This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the n...

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...

It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

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A young man is heading home from a big night in the town. As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.


As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.


He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"


The sex wo...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...

"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."

"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

A year ago today, I was informed via email that 2020 would be the best year ever if I forwarded a prayer to 10 people.

My bad, y’all.

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

Medusa was the hottest girl ever

Just one look and you were hard forever

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My wife insisted that I list every woman I’d ever been with...

so I started with the woman I lost my virginity to, all the way up to her. And that is where I should have stopped.

~Jimmy Carr

It my Reddit bday. Celebrate and sing with me the dirtiest clean song you’ll ever sing!

Sing this out loud:

There once was a farmer who lived by a crick,
And every morning he played with his banjo,
In the moonlight, to the lady next door,
And you could tell just by looking that she was a,
Decent young lady who lay in the grass,
And when she rolled over you could s...

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

My wife is the only one I have ever been with.

Everyone else has been a nine or a ten

If you ever think your job is pointless, just remember...

You could be the guy who installs indicators on BMWs.

What is the dumbest band ever?

Moron 5.

According to my sewing instructor, I'm easily the worse student She's ever had..

Oops... sorry, wrong thread.

If all the parallel universes ever contacted each other, they’d all have names like “Universe 1, Universe A, Universe ⍺, etc”.

There’ll definitely be a programmers’ universe, which’ll annoy everyone else by calling themselves “Universe 0”.

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

Best dad joke I ever came up with: What do you call a resistor that doesn't work?

Ohm-less

Ever since I was a child I’ve wanted to be a doctor, but my horse keeps telling me I can’t.

He’s such a naysayer.

Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?

You don't know what you missing.

The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

Ever wonder why fire engines are read?

Because newspapers are read too.
Two plus Two is four.
Four plus four is eight.
Eight plus four is twelve.
There are twelve inches in a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth was a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth was a ship.
Ships sail in the sea.
There are fish in the sea.
Fish ...

Did you ever hear of the Cannibal who figured out how to clone humans?

He's so full of himself.

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After having sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" was not the correct response.

I have had enough!!! I will never help anyone again...EVER!!!

Yesterday it was so cold out that we took a man into our home out of the kindness of our heart. We felt so sorry for him. Poor thing was trembling out in the cold, but this morning he had just vanished. Not a word...not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!! The last straw?!?! When I rea...

Do you ever speak in absolutes?

No. Never.

Have you ever heard of the illusion of choice?

Never mind, of course you have.

Will transparent coffins ever catch on?

Remains to be seen

I went to the worst escape room ever.

Its called IKEA.

Ever tried to eat a clock?

It's time consuming.

Why do tennis players not ever get married?

They think that love means nothing.

If Edward Cullen ever went down on Bella during her period.......

......... Won't that be called dessert?

I didn't think my pet bat would ever learn echolocation...

But it eventually clicked.

"Have you ever had a mango?"

"Yes"

"Have you ever had a mango in your mouth?"

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The piano playing in “Eyes Wide Shut” may be the most unnerving thing I’ve ever heard...

...and I’ve heard my parents having sex

Ever since quarantine, my pubes have gotten really long,

But think about all the money I've saved on dental floss.

If you ever feel like your life has no meaning

Just remember that there is a guy in the BMW factory installing turn signals.

100% True Story - Funniest Thing That Ever Happened to Me

Not long after my younger son was born I left the Army and, not having a new job to go to and my wife having a great job, I looked after the house and my two boys for some years.

When my older son started school, we would walk home together and discuss what he'd learned and talk about life. ...

A man goes to a restaurant and has the most delicious turkey he's ever tasted...

He asks the chef, "How do you prepare the turkeys?"

The chef replies, "Oh, nothing special, we just tell them they're gonna die."

You ever notice all the feathers left after a game of chess?

It's like only Toucan play at a time.

I bought a world map for my wife, and gave her a dart. I said, "Where ever this lands, that's where I am taking you after this pandemic is over."

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Worst joke ever.

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

What’s yours?

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

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If you've ever sexted with a flip phone...

You've 6-T9'd

It might sound unbelievable that the current Prime Minister of Canada is both the second youngest PM ever, AND the first to be related to a former Prime Minister.

It’s Trudeau

My friend asked if I would ever date the queen of rock, Tina

I was like hell yeah! I’d never Turner down!

My teacher told me I was the worst student ever

I said thanks mom

Did you ever notice the word “dumbass” upside down looks like a car??

Dumbass

One day, the first ever nun put on a silly hat.

She put it on the next day, too.
And the next.
And the next.
It became a habit

Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dogs?

It rings a bell doesn’t it?

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lonely superman

So one day superman is flying around lonely when he noticed wonder women naked on the beach having what looks like a wet dream.

He figures if he can fly down at the speed of light and do his business she would never even notice. After a few minutes he finally builds the courage and boom he go...

Why can't a British person ever lose a chess game?

Their Queen never dies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the best I've ever heard: "The Graveyard Couple"

Mr. and Mrs. Thompkins, who've been very happy together for 12 years, currently, are experiencing a phase of boredom and stagnation. To change things up, Mr. Thompkins gets an idea: Have sex in a near-by graveyard.

With a mix of reluctance and excitement, Mrs. Thompkins agrees and they go off...

Amal and Juan repost a joke on /r/jokes but no one ever upvotes Juan's posts

Because once you've seen Amal, you don't wanna see another Juan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

If Steve Harvey ever get into a fight with his wife...

>!It'd be a family fued...!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"You ever play the game Fuck, Marry, Kill?"

"In real life, I've done two of those things."

"You were married?"

"No."

^(\*lovingly stolen from Myq Kaplan)

Best birthday gift ever

A guy turns 50 and his friends find the perfect gift for him, a 1 hour session with a hooker that can sing and give head at the same time.

The birthday arrives and after he hears what his gift him he gets all excited, goes to the specified house and knocks on the door.

The lady on the ...

What did Zeus use to make the best fries ever?

Ancient Greece

When people write liKe tHIs i alwayS hopE to fiNd hiDdeN clUes. Don't evEr Seem to find any tHOugh.

Epstien didn't kill himself.

Don’t ever get married.

Just find someone you hate and buy them a house.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

Do you ever looked at someone and think, "DAMN this guy is UGLY as F**K"?

Anyway, I'm getting rid of all the mirrors in my house.

Have you ever bought a piece of furniture to rest your feet on?

Well... you oughta, man!

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

Have you ever smelled moth balls?

How did you get their legs apart?

They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker.

It's a pretty big deal.

Have you ever heard of the kid who got lost mid sentence?

Me neither

Have you ever been to Lake McConaughy in Nebraska?

Great place to visit, I just got back from a trip myself. I've always loved hunting, fishing, boating, just being out in nature...and it's all there for you to enjoy! There's one thing you should know before you visit though, and I found out the hard way.

Early one morning I'd taken my boat o...

You ever look at your ex's ex's?

And they all look kinda weird, like totally not he cream of the crop. Like, one works at a 7-11 and talks almost exclusively about Mexicans.

And you think hey maybe I'm an upgrade for her glad she's moving up in the world. She's finally found her taste in men.

But then she leaves you....

If you ever think you're useless

Remember you can always be used as someone's bad example.

An African man visits his friend in the US

“I just flew in yesterday” the African man says “And boy are my arms tired!”

“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America” replied his friend.

“Joke?” The African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country”.

The world’s first great fisherman possessed something that no man before him ever had.

Allure.

If you're ever bored

Just go punch an orphan, what is he gonna do? Tell his parents?

If Satan ever lost his hair

There would be hell toupee

Dad, did you ever fall in love?

\- "Yes son. I did once."

\- "And, what happened?"

\- "In the beginning it was fantastic but then your mother found out."

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

President Trump was recently handed a document, which he claims shows the most amount of red, ever, during an election year.

What he didn't tell you was that it was the balance sheet of his most recent IRS business filings.

Have any of you ever played quiet tennis?

It's regular tennis, but without the racket.

Why can’t Will Smith ever get away with murder?

The cops always find the fresh prints!

You ever notice how ripped Jesus is on the cross?

That's how I know Crossfit works.

Do you ever feel like eating something because it's there?

Today I got fired from my job as a gynaecologist.

Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a book?

Because he always gets stuck at Chapter 11

I just thought up what is probably the worst pickup line ever...

Are you a mirror? 'Cause I can see myself in you.

My Pops Asked If I Had Ever Done Anything Brave

I said.....Hell Yeah, I farted once when I had diarrhea

Yesterday my wife shouted down to me from up stairs. ‘Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest, like someone’s got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it with a needle?’

'No,' I called back.

She shouted, ‘How about now?’

Never ever call a lady fat!

Because elephants don't forget.

Did you ever think that..

the guy/girl that invented the umbrella just wanted to call it Brella but hesitated?

I got a PS5 for my brother.

Best trade ever.

Injustices make me very mad: My grandfather destroyed a German Airplane and nobody ever thanked him

Actually they kicked him out of the museum

Why doesn't Rick Harrison ever commit a crime and then pin it on another person?

Because he'd have to get a buddy of his, and frame him. He's taking all the risk here.

I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics...

But then I came to my census

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I'm ever on Family Feud

I'm going to make one of my answer "Your butthole." That way I can hear the host yell out, "Show me your butthole!"

Ever tried to pick up a pile of books?

It's pretty heavy reading

"I got everything I ever wanted for Christmas, and Santa brought you nothing!!" said little Sam to his elder brother.

"But at least I do not have Leukemia"

My wife always said, "If anything ever happens to me I want you to meet someone new."

Turns out that her getting stuck in traffic doesn't count as "anything".

If I ever have a rabbit, I’ll name him Cab Calloway.

Because if he ever gets scared, he’ll crawl into his Hi-Di-Hi-Di-Hi-Di-Hole!

Why dont you ever see beggers over 65?

Because old people hate change

If you ever need a friend, look no further than trees.

They wood never leaf you and always stick together.

Have you ever noticed that Jesus on the cross always looks great, with amazing abs?

He was the original cross-fit.

My neighbor has found out the scariest Halloween front yard decoration ever

Its a vote for trump sign

Did Judy Garland ever figure out how much a pie weighs?

Apparently, somewhere over the rainbow you can weigh a pie.

Ever stop to think that

The eraser has been sacrificing its life slowly because of your mistakes?

Amongst the dumbest things I've ever purchased...

was a 2020 year planner.

Ever wondered why "I hate my life" is millennial humor?

As a Zoomer, I'm here to say that the phrase actually applies to members of Gen Z as well.

The only difference is that for millennials, it's funny.

I'm serious.

A lady is walking to the store when the sees the most beautiful garden shes ever seen....

She askes the man wattering his garden

"Excuse me sir, how do you get such red tomatoes?"

"Well" he said, "it's a bit embarrassing, but every morning I get up and come outside in just my robe and flash my tomatoes. Then the tomatoes blush and turn redder! You should try it sometime!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The craziest job I ever had was cleaning the monkey cages in our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

You ever wondered why toothpaste is minty?

Because ain't no one would use flamin' hot teeth cleaners

If you ever feel worthless, just remember

It's someones job to install blinkers on BMW's

The first ever contact between space aliens and humans

A space alien asks a human: "Why are so many of humans starving despite that there is plenty of food?"

"We don't have enough money."

"Why are so many humans homeless despite there being enough of homes?"

"We don't have enough money."

"Why are so many people ill despite th...

If you ever bump into a fridge there is no need to be sorry

The fridge is cool with it

Have you ever woken up, kissed the person beside you and thanked the Lord you’re alive?

I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you seen a 20 dollar bill crumpled up?

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the c...

Have you ever wanted to feel like you own a jet?

Buy a PS4.

Two Canadians Die and End Up In Hell

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hel...

I think that one puppet from Sesame Street is my favorite vampire ever.

Some people claim he doesn't count, but I'm certain that he does.

The l‌‌ocal c‌‌harity r‌‌ealized t‌‌hat i‌‌t h‌‌ad n‌‌ever r‌‌eceived a‌‌ d‌‌onation f‌‌rom t‌‌he c‌‌ity's m‌‌ost s‌‌uccessful l‌‌awyer.

So a‌‌ v‌‌olunteer p‌‌aid t‌‌he l‌‌awyer a‌‌ v‌‌isit i‌‌n h‌‌is l‌‌avish o‌‌ffice. T‌‌he v‌‌olunteer o‌‌pened t‌‌he m‌‌eeting b‌‌y s‌‌aying, "‌‌Our r‌‌esearch s‌‌hows t‌‌hat e‌‌ven t‌‌hough y‌‌our a‌‌nnual i‌‌ncome i‌‌s o‌‌ver t‌‌wo m‌‌illion d‌‌ollars, y‌‌ou d‌‌on't g‌‌ive a‌‌ p‌‌enny t‌‌o c‌‌harit...

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My girlfriend told me that i had the biggest penis she'd ever seen.

I finally put my photoshoping skills to work

A dumb one, ever for already low dad-joke expectations...

True story (makes this even more pathetic) that happened last night:

Wife: The fan is too high
Me: It's like that so we don't bump our heads

Please enjoy my best ever Star Wars themed joke...

Irving was proud of his daughter Faith. She was the prettiest, smartest, most charming girl in all the Empire. And when Faith was asked to attend the Winter Gala by Conan Antonio, Irving was justifiably pleased, for Conan was a well-decorated and many-times-promoted military man of great respect....

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

My wife apologized for the first time ever today. .

She said she’s sorry she ever married me

Why don't vampires ever get women pregnant?

Because they can't come inside without an invitation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only dick pic I have ever sent was to my doctor to get something checked.

But then someone told me that dentists aren't doctors.

Have you ever had an orange slice in your beer before?

Once, in a Blue Moon.

Why don't ants ever get sick?

Because they have anty-bodies :)

When I was bar tending I would tell people this was the worst joke they’ll ever hear that will still make them laugh. I always just called it. “Grandma”

A boy comes home from school one day skipping football practice cuz he isn’t feeling well.
When he gets home he grabs a snack and sits down to watch some TV.
During the show he hears some noises coming from his parents room.
His parents not being home at that time normally he walks down ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just can't ever see myself putting anything up my own butt

So I got a mirror.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during sex.

I accidentally shouted out my sister’s name last week…

My mum was not happy!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got the worst blue balls ever today.

Man, I hate back splash from porta-potties

A guy asks his friend " have you ever used a telescope ?"

" No, is it fun ?" Answers the latter
" yeah you should look into it "

If I'm ever in a fight, you better hold me back.

Because I can not fight

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife...

"Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for...

The best graffiti I ever saw said “Go home Dad, you’re drunk again”

It was written right below the words “I f*cked yer mother”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever had sex with an acorn?

Its fucking nuts!

Ever had sex while camping? Its fucking intents!

Ever heard of a brain prostitute? It'll blow your mind!

Every date I’ve ever had has been like my WiFi signal.

No Connection.

Have you ever seen ....

I've been saving these to send to my grandsons. The more the merrier - feel free to add your own.

A horse *fly*?

A goldfish *bowl*?

A shoe *box*?

A floor *mop*?

A cat *fish*?

A spelling *bee*?

A chimney *sweep*?

A chicken *strip*?

A monk...

The Sistine Chapel ceiling may not be the greatest work of art ever, but

it's definitely up there.

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

This is my 5th cake day which means

My reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be

What’s the dirtiest thing ever said on television

GEE ward you were awfully rough on the beaver last night

‌‌A R‌‌oman s‌‌oldier i‌‌s b‌‌ragging t‌‌o h‌‌is f‌‌riend, "‌‌You'll n‌‌ever g‌‌uess w‌‌ith h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌omen I‌‌'ve s‌‌lept!"

"Mmm?"

"Nah, n‌‌ot t‌‌hat m‌‌any"

Ever hear about the deaf guy who walked into a bar?

Neither did I, but I have one hell of a bruise now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

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