Ever Jokes - 146 Hilarious Ever Jokes

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

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Ever had sex while camping?

It's fucking in tents.

Ever since Bader Ginsburg died…

… The American Supreme Court has been Ruthless.

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Worst "joke" I've ever heard.

This is a "joke" told by one of my coworkers Jake. There was me him and 2 other coworkers sitting in the work truck.

Jake: You know how geese always fly in a V?

Me: Yeah

J: Well you know how sometimes the goose in the lead will switch and another goose will fly in the front?
...

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and...

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

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What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the n...

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

Ladies...No guy has ever said...

I'd screw her, if her eyelashes were a little longer.

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My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

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My favorite joke I’ve ever read on Reddit, one of the first I’ve ever read here too: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

Wife: Am I the only one you've ever slept with?

Husband: Yes. The others were sixes and sevens.

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Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?

It was great

If you ever feel useless...

Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...

the Taliban

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation

Years ago, when one could actually enjoy travel, a man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem and while they were there, the wife unfortunately passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped bac...

If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...

Then plug me back in, see if that works.

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

Have you ever noticed how most Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus

Why didn't barbie ever get pregnant?

Because Ken always came in another box.

Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl?

Because you don't turn your back on family.

If you ever feel lonely...

just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

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Adam Sandler told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about Shaq.

So Sandler relays the story below:

I was playing basketball and got the opportunity to play with Shaq. It was great. Afterward it just so happens that I'm in the showers and it's just him and me in adjoining showers. So I think to myself, I've got to see his penis. This is my one chance. I've...

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NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?

Cause its a place to eat.

My girlfriend says she is having the worst period ever.

I respond with “Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?”

What is the best or funniest insult you have ever heard or said to someone?

A buddy told a horse-faced girl at the bar after she wouldn't stop trying to pick him up: "you look like you want to nuzzle a sugarcube out of my hand"

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

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Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and sm...

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

Poll: Have You Ever Watched Malcom in the Middle?

[YES]

[NO]

[MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW]

[CAN YOU REPEAT THE QUESTION?]

My dad always said to me, “If you ever meet a girl with a terrible tattoo, try to marry her.”

“She makes bad decisions, but sticks with it.”

A genie granted me 2 out of my 3 wishes, and my third wish was for him to forget he ever met me

He replied with “I am a genie, and I shall grant you 3 wishes”

Have you ever seen a fish bowl?

Have you ever seen…

…a barn dance?
…a fire escape?

Please help. When I was a kid I had a large joke book that I loved to read over and over. One page had a pretty long list of this type of joke (where the end could be read as a “noun verb” instead of a “noun”). Now that book is long...

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The best chicken joke ever!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.

The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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Best Salesman Ever!

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he...

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Don't ever underestimate a Scottish police officer?

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Sco...

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

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If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she's ever felt...

She's probably pulling your leg.

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

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My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.

Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says:
.

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.

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.

.

“You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

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This is the first dirty joke my dad ever told me

So Dopey and the other seven dwarves go to visit the pope. Doc goes up to the pope and asks, "Pope can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"

He thinks for a moment. "No", he says, "There are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican."

The other dwarves chuckle.

"Well can yo...

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

If I ever have twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate..

....and the second one Duplikate.

Best son ever

5 year old son after reading a story of a king

Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing

Mom : which one will put you to sleep?

Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son

Mom : who...

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).

Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her...

My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

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"You are the first woman that has ever given me an orgasm," I told the prostitute.

"That's not true," she replied.

"Of course it is," I laughed. "What do you mean?"

She said, "I'm a man."

You ever heard of silent tennis?

It’s essentially tennis but without the racket.

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While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to ...

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My wife left me, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/gonewild.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules.

They don't allow reposts.

So she told me that I was the worst she has ever had on bed.

How could she make that judgement on 30 seconds ?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

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Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...

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The dirtiest joke my Grandma ever told me.

A mother puts her two sons to bed, before they fall asleep.

The older brother tells his little brother, "I think it's time we started cussing."

The younger brother asks, "Well what are you going to say?"

The older brother responds, "I'll say, Hell."

The younger brother sa...

Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble.

You have my Word.

Fellas if you ever meet a woman who takes the time to take care of bees, marry her.

She's a keeper.

Best Husband Ever!

The Perfect Husband:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

...

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

Why don't you ever see a group of Johnny Depp fans?

They don't like Heards.

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Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

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Do I ever fail to satisfy my girlfriend sexually?

A small part of me says yes.

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The only "B" word you should ever call a girl is beautiful.

Bitches love being called beautiful.

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

Why haven't I ever met a full blooded Jew?

All the ones I have met have been Jew-ish

My friend asked me if I had ever tried blindfolded archery, I replied I hadn’t

He said it’s great ! You don’t know what you are missing !

why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?

because they like the taste of defeat.

i'm not even sorry.

Hilary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected in to office.

Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...

Does money even matter?

Smartest president ever

A plane with 4 people on board suffers an engine failure. There are only three parachutes. The pilot stands up and says: „I’m Brad Pitt, my kids needs me, my fans needs me, I have to survive.“ he takes one of the parachutes and jumps out of the plane. The first passenger stands up and says: „I’m Don...

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it’s rare.

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

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Worst joke I've ever heard

What is the difference between Hitler and the Boston Bombers?

One of them actually ended a race.

I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had.

It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

Why does nobody ever talk about how tall the average dwarf is?

Because it’s a little mean.

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Why didn't Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?

Because he fucking hates Carols.

Never ever marry a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys.

They probably have the same names

To who ever put the "L" in Noel

Is it that hard to follow simple instructions?

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Have you ever noticed what a woman's asshole does when she has an intense orgasm?

He's probably out, drinking with his buddies...

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...

...with my bear hands...

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My girlfriend asked me if I ever take a Piss while in the Shower....

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the Shower.
I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."
She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"
"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're taking a shit."

Inventor displays the first knife ever.

His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"

Why won't Congress ever impeach Trump?

Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

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The Worst Mother In Law Ever

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

Ever tried blindfolded archery?

You don't know what you're missing

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My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen.

Shit....wrong thread.

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My date for Valentines told me I had the biggest Willy she’d ever felt.

Turns out she was pulling my leg.

My wife just described me as the 2nd least inquisitive person she's ever met

"Fair enough." I said.

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

Most preposterous joke ever

An Irishman walks out of a bar

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

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Three guys are talking about the best bars ever.

First guys says, I know a bar where you order a drink and the next one's free.
Second guy says, I know a bar where you order a drink and next two are free.
Third guy says, I know a bar where you order a drink and they take you out back and fuck your brains out. One guy asks, Where is this ba...

Why don't bananas ever adopt children?

Bananas foster

Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well..

All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

Never, EVER be late

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words wh...

If Satan ever loses his hair...

...there will be hell toupee.

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

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The easiest abortion I've ever performed was on a stripper.

It was like taking a baby from Candy.

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Why don't you ever see black people on cruises?

They'll never be tricked into that one again...

Ever since I became an archeologist

My career has been in ruins

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If you ever stick your dick inside a peanut butter jar...

You're fucking nuts

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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

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First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done.

I've quit hundreds of times.

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My doctor said I should jerk off when ever I want

Girlfriend: "No, he said you could have a stroke at anytime.."

I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.

I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

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I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

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Young mans first-ever around-the-world cruise

A young sailor about to go on his first-ever around-the-world cruise, visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

“Gramps, I’m so excited to go on my first cruise,” he says.

“Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you’re taking everything you need,” says the grandfather.
...

You ever hear the one about the gas lighter?

No, you didn't.

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

My girlfriend asked me if I ever wake up grumpy.

I told her I usually just let her sleep in.

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My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.

Me: Yes, twice, accidentally.

Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower?

Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.

y’all ever heard any monorail jokes?

i hear they make good one-liners.

Ever wonder why Ariel wears seashells?

Because she outgrew the B-shells

Wife asks her husband: “How many women have you ever slept with?”

Husband responds: “One, two, three, four, you, five, six… six total”

Would i ever consider taking protein supplements?

No whey

Why don’t pretzels ever go out of style?

Because they are usually kneaded

Tom Hanks is the rudest celebrity I have ever met

I asked for an autograph and all he wrote was Thanks.

Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it

A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...

"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."

"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."

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If I ever catch a necrophile in the act

They're fucking dead

Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a book?

Because he keeps repeating Chapter 11.

Ever heard of the third eye pressure point?

Its a spot between the eyebrows that can help alleviate stress and tension. Explains why talking to certain people makes me wanna bang my forehead against a wall.

My wife broke up with me yesterday because I'm a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about is...

...how to win her back.

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?.....

.... Because they have no body to go with.

If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck...

...it'll be a vacuum!

Anyone ever been to Kyoto?

It's the anagram lover's Tokyo

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