A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.

I was in shambles.

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We were forced to attend a sex ed lesson on how to hold orgasms

Nobody came

Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.

The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders. Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this...

What party can you attend without an invitation

Your funeral

My coworker is unable to attend next week’s innuendo seminar

I have to fill her slot instead

I wanted to attend the seminar on vomit control.

Unfortunately, something came up.

What do you call it when you attend a tree's funeral?

Mourning wood.

Why did the kelp attend Pride?

Because it was part of the algae-BT community.

A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass.

The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner.

The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”

The pastor questions, “Then ...

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Today my jerk colleague from work asked me to cover his ass so that he can attend a pool party with his friends

I refused with anger and told him to use swimming trunks like everyone else does.

A husband and wife attend the same fair every year for 50 years

Every year the husband asks his wife if they can go on the helicopter tour for $50 and she says no, because $50 is $50.

On the 50th year at the fair the husband is arguing with his wife about going on the ride and she gives him the same response: "no, $50 is $50."

This year the pilot ...

A woman visits her son at the uni he attends

A woman visits her son at the uni he attends, he invites her into his dorm and introduces her to his roommate. The mother instantly suspects that they are dating. So she asks her son Mother: “are you guys dating?” Son: “no mom, she’s just my roommate, we even have separate beds” The mother was st...

A man and his wife attends an air show

The man sees a small aeroplane with an open roof and beautiful aesthetics. On a sign beside the plane wrote "100 dollars for a flight per person"
The man asked his wife "can we take a flight? It is my dream to take a flight in this beautiful plane."
His wife said "No, 200 dollars is too much ...

A man and his wife were going on a vacation but the wife had to attend a conference at work so he decided to go before her and she would meet up with him him after.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to the widow of an elderly preacher who had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email,...

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A priest was friends with Stephanie, a blonde woman who regularly attends his services.

As the priest was strolling through town one day, he noticed Stephanie's father holding hands with another man. Shocked, the priest calls his friend later that day to verify what he saw.

"Hey Stephanie, I think your dad might be homosexual. Is this true?"

"No way, are you serious? I ca...

One day, Einstein has to attend a really important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

What time does Sean Connery attend the Wimbledon?

Tennish

Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?

They prefer a casual tea.

Jasmine tried to attend a "Disney Prince Only" gathering

She wasn't Aladdin.

This is the third time my friends have agreed to attend a Whitesnake concert and haven't turned up

Here I go again on my own.

I never attend the funerals of my friends...

Because they won’t be there at mine

A man attends the funeral of an old friend

He sees the grieving widow and asks if he could say a word. The widow allows it, and the man stands up and yells “PLETHORA!”

The widow looks up at him and with a smile says “thank you, that means a lot.”

A Scotsman goes to America and attends his very baseball game.

He’s never been to a game in Scotland, nor watched a game on TV, or seen movies such as Bull Durham, The Babe or Eight Men Out.

He figures out players need to beat out the throw to first base before arriving to first base

The visiting teams pitcher throws 4 pitches out of the strike zo...

Why didn't Bach attend Vivaldi's concert?

He was baroque.

A young couple attend a dance together...

A young couple attend a dance together. When the two arrive at the dance, there is a long line to enter the dance hall.

After waiting and waiting, the couple make it to the front entrance.

They are told they can’t enter the dance hall unless they have a ticket.

The line for t...

I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today.

Turns out it was a Miss Steak.

I heard Shrek opened a new church so I decided to attend.

First thing they told us to do was open our bibles to Psalm: body once told me.

A man and his wife had plans to attend a costume party.

The night of the party, the wife suddenly got a headache and said she couldn't go, but encouraged her husband to attend. He reluctantly put on his mask and headed to the party.

The wife suddenly woke up from a nap feeling much better. She got an idea - she went and bought a different costume ...

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A mother allowed her daughter to attend a friend's party.

The mother wanted to make sure that her daughter would be safe that night. She taught her that if boys ever approached, ask them "What will be our baby's name?" to keep them away.

At the party, a boy got close to the daughter but was immediately asked, "What will be our baby's name?". The bo...

What do you call a last minute Catholic Church service that everyone needs to attend?

Critical Mass

I thought about attending an orgy...

But if I wanted to disappoint many people at once, I could just post this joke on Reddit.

England will in fact attend the World Cup.

They have, however, agreed to not go past the group stage.

I needed a woman escort to attend an event but I couldnt find one

So I had my buddy dress up as Iron Man, that way he was Fe male.

A man had a party where all the rich people attend.

And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.

But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.
...

What do you call it when Argon, Neon, Krypton, Xenon, Radon, and Helium frequently attend church?

Noble Masses.

Why didn’t Pence attend the biathlon?

He opposed all the biathletes

Students are excited to attend the geology class at the local school.

They say it totally rocks.

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I don't think I'll attend Christmas dinner this year.

My wife gave me a haircut this morning, and now she said she's going to make Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.

When I was young I decided I wanted to attend medical school...

At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the following alphabets:
 

P  N  E  I  S
 

The question asked us to rearrange the letters in a way that it would spell the most important part of the body that is most useful wh...

Where do physicists attend church?

At the center of mass.

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Donald Trump decided that he doesn't want to attend intelligence briefings anymore. Coincidentally, he took notice how the Jews always have the inside scoop before anyone.

So he consulted his cabinet of advisors how the Jews always were the first to know everything. And after much research by the intelligence community, the findings were very peculiar to say the least.

"Mr. President, we've found that any time a Jew greets another, they always start with a secr...

What kind of church does a triangle attend?

Anglican.

A man attends his wife's funeral.

His wife had been hit by a car. Incredibly, the car screeched around the block and struck her once more before speeding off, never to be found.

The man was accepting condolences after the service. An old friend said to him, "I know you'll miss her."

"*Miss* her?" the man replied. "I go...

A Hillbilly is the First in his Family to Attend Ninth Grade...

Jethro is the first in a long line of hillbillies and bumpkins to attend schooling beyond the eighth grade. After his first day of high school, the whole family is bursting with pride to see him swaggering up the driveway.

His father says, "Jethro, come tell us about that fancy high school! ...

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3 Mothers attend a psychiatrist

As the 3 mothers sit with their children the psychiatrist begins to make his observations.

To the first woman he says, "You have an obsession with money, that is why you named your daughter Penny."

To the second woman he says, "You have an obsession with alcohol, that is why you named ...

Why didn't the sun have to attend university?

It's already got thousands of degrees.

An old man attends his grandson's little league game

He buys a Coke and hotdog. He sits at the top of the bleachers and puts his Coke and hotdog down. As he is about to unwrap the hotdog he hears someone yell HEY CLARENCE!. The old man grabs his Coke and hotdog and stands. He looks around but doesn't see anyone. He sets his Coke and hotdog down and si...

Heard at Mass today that the government is providing scholarships to students who'd like to attend religious institutions...

Someone Alert the Masses!

Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?

The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"

So why don't Southern Belles attend orgies any more?

Too many thank-you notes to write

An old Italian father from New York attends his sons wedding.

"Congratulations son! I'm gonna buy you a gun as present!" The son says, "Dad! I don't need a gun." "Yes you do!" The son replies "No I don't. Get me a watch." Confused, the father asks "A watch?" Son says "Yeah dad, a watch." Still confused, the father says "What the hell are you gonna do with a wa...

A pregnant woman and husband attend a pregnancy class together.

The doctor is explaining to the class how to make pregnancy and delivery easier on the couples. He goes on to explain how it's very beneficial to walk during the pregnancy, as it is good for exercise and such. The doctor explains to the husbands they should encourage it by accompanying them on their...

An American woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "An English girl."

The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airpor...

A White House aide tells Donald Trump that one hundred people will attend his next event.

"A hundred thousand people?" Trump asks, "Do we even have enough room for 1.5 million people?"

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I had to attend a seminar for psychics and fortune-tellers.

Unfortunately, it has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.

A priest was invited to attend a house party.

Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.

Little Johnny kept staring at him the entire evening.

Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
Little Johnny pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realised what the boy...

I don't attend funerals, even if I was close with the deceased.

I'm just not a mourning person.

A farmer lies unconscious in his field after an apparent farming accident. An ambulance pulls up and two EMTs attend the farmer.

EMT1 <walks into corn field, snaps on glove>: "Whadda we got?"
EMT2: "Man, probably a farmer, left leg's been hit with a tiller. ID in the wallet says he's..."
EMT1: no-NO! Don't!
EMT2: ...Lou-is Cz-...zew...ski. Louis Czyzewski.
EMT1: <sighs, pulls glove off> "...cal...

Whats the worst the thing about having to attend a funeral?

The guest of honor always shows up late!

This woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at...

The doctor said "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconson University?"

The girl says "Why do ask?"

The doc says "I'm not just a doctor- I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazo...

A Child Didn't Attend School

Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "M...

A mosquito had a very tough upbringing

His father was an alcoholic. Many afternoons his father would come drunk and beat his wife and only son, John. John was traumatised by his father’s acts. Every day when he went to school he would cry. Everyday he thought himself that he will be a better mosquito than his father one day.

He c...

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

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I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

Mandatory Attendance

A drunkard walking on the street, is approached by the police at 3:00 AM.


The policeman asks: "Where are you going at this hour?"


The drunkard answers:
"I am going to attend a conference on alcohol abuse and the lethal effects on the body, the bad example it creates on chi...

Why wouldn't the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade?

There were too many vets.

A math professor, Dave, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

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Put to sleep

So this inquisitive pan-dimensional space monster is out on vacation and decides to check out this little dive bar on Earth (in Detroit) that had some decent reviews on Yelp.

In order to do so he had to first take on a suitable corporal form adhering to local biological esthetics and so he c...

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Cannibals hold a grudge.

I was invited to attend a cannibal banquet, but showed up late. Apparently they were pissed because all I got was the cold shoulder.

I am a happy father of 5 unvaccinated children...

Edit: 4 unvaccinated children*

Edit: 3 unvaccinated children*

Edit: 2 unvaccinated children*

There were once a man that was claimed to be the laziest man on earth

Nobody had seen him ever do anything but lay on his bed and breath. That's it.

On one day the people from the city where he lived wanted to know if he was actually the laziest person on earth. So they created a contest where the laziest person won a lot of money.

People from the whole ...

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A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner, who was also the sister of a highly respected Admiral:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-m...

Funeral homes really need spoiler warning signs on the front of their doors.

In case any baby attends.

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WHY PEOPLE HATE SCHOOL RE-UNIONS

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey...

Every Sunday service the priests whip the children.

I attend an unorthodox church

I once wrote down a list of puns.

There was a gathering of friends I was supposed to attend but before I went I wrote down a list of about 10 puns. The intentions of this list were try to get some old friends to laugh. When we all got together I started saying all of my puns hoping one of them would make someone someone laugh.
B...

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A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum...

Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks. Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began. After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said,...

A guy had his car stolen

In the morning, he went to report the incident, then continued to his work. He came back at night to find the car parked in his driveway, with a note: "Sorry i had to borrow your car because my wife was in labor and i had to use it to take her to emergency. Please accept my sincerest apologies and,...

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

Three men are sitting on a hill...

They decide to have a competition. The goal is to throw your watch up in the air, run down the hill, and catch it.
The first man prepares himself and throws up his watch. He runs as fast as he can down the hill, but the watch gets there before he does.
The second man (who is much faster than...

One day co-workers Alice and Bob were talking over the water cooler. Soon the conversation turned to Alice's husband Walter and his plans for the future.

"He's up for a promotion, but he's kinda screwed. He'd be moving up from the mail room to a position with some management responsibilities, but he never actually graduated college and that's usually a requirement. They like him though, so there's just one course he has to take and get a good grade i...

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A businessman travelled to japan

...to attend an important meeting with a local company's CEO. The evening before the meeting, he was anxious and decided to find some distraction by ordering a prostitute to his hotel room. The sex was good and the woman kept yelling "Hai to, hai to, hai tooooo!" until they were finished. He did not...

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There was a man named Ivan, born and raised in the Soviet Union.

From the moment he was born, he lived in oppression and poverty. His rations were meager, his work in the coal mines hard. But one day, he gets a ray of hope, solace from his hardships, when, as he’s driving his Lada from his home to the local coal mine, he sees a sign.

“Swimming Lessons: Imp...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi were arguing as to who were the best at their job. So they decided to go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it to their respective religion. After several hours, they met up again at a local disco to share the result of their venture.

The priest...

Why’d the blonde math major only apply to colleges in South Africa?

She wanted to attend a party school where she couldn’t fail at integrating.

My go-to joke...

500 bricks on a plane and one falls out, how many are left ?

499.



How do you put an elephant in the fridge ?

Open the door, put in the elephant, clse the door.



How do you put a giraffe in the fridge ?

Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the...

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A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school...

A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school he attends.

His parents try putting him in Jewish schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in public school. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Montessori schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Military s...

There are 500 bricks being transported by plane...

One brick falls out. How many are left?
499

What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?
Open the door, insert the elephant, close the door.

What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in the fridge?
Open the door, remove the elephant, insert the giraffe, close the...

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