A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

Don't ever attend Thanksgiving with a group of comedians...

...They'll never stop roasting the turkey.

Which concert costs $0.45 to attend?

50 cent feat. Nickelback

Man paid 100 dollars to attend seminar called "How to make 10000 dollars in five minutes"

He enters the hall. There's about one hundred people in the audience. The presenter walks up to the mic, says "Approximately like this" and leaves.

Passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended “Just once.”

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

We had a marriage to attend at 8 pm. My wife started applying make up at 6pm

The previous day

Why is it risky for kids with dairy allergies to attend Christmas Eve church services?

There's a whey in the manger.

Last week I attended an event where I got to see a lot of people from highschool that I haven't seen and talked to in a long time.

Anyway, it was a nice graduation.

Something to ponder: Some people theow parties where they don't allow bathroom fixtures to attend.

Let that sink in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once attended a 50s music themed table tennis festival in a far east country, hosted by an Asian dictator where all the participants were dressed as famous movie gorillas...

It was Kim Jongs Honk Kong Honky Tonk King Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong

I'll see myself out.

An Irishman is at the top of the diving board about to dive in when the attendant yells out "Stop! The pool has no water in it!"

"That's OK" says Paddy. "I can't swim".

Why doctors also need to attend Anger Management course?

A woman comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

WOMAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No, you don't unde...

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?

Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!

I used a MeetUp app and attended a BDSM meetup...

but left the meetup a little blue :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the longest time I refused to attend PTA meetings because I couldn't stand the fact that each one ended with an orgy.

But eventually, I had to come on principal.

I got up from my desk at work and said “I’m sorry, I have a funeral to attend”

My boss said, “I’m so sorry for your loss! Why are you still here?”

I said, “cause it’s not mine”

I once attended a sermon at a church in Finland.

The congregation must have been huge Mortal Kombat fans because they were singing a Finnish hymn.

[A cinema ticket office attendant told me this] Q. How does Reese eat ice cream?

A. Witherspoon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

A teacher was taking attendance

She noticed one student was missing and marked him absent. She continues on with her lesson until, about a half hour in, the student walks in. She says to him, “You’re late.” He says nothing and instead pulls out a clock, “No,” he says and proceeds to sit on the clock, “I’m right on time.”

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.

I was in shambles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We were forced to attend a sex ed lesson on how to hold orgasms

Nobody came

Elsa got an award for perfect attendance

Because a cold never bothered her anyway

A Boeing 737 Max flight attendant walks into a bar and orders a martini

. "You're here later than usual," the bartender comments. "Problems at work?" "Yes, just as our flight was about to take off we had to turn around and wait at the gate for an hour." "What was the problem?" the bartender asks. "The pilot was bothered by a noise in the engine," she replies. "It took u...

I got fired from my job as a changing room attendant for opening doors uninvited. They called me “the Knock Less monster.”

Because I was always lookin for free tiddy.

What party can you attend without an invitation

Your funeral

Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.

The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders. Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this...

I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old she attended medical school

She’s a cadaver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with perfect work attendance calls in sick one day...

His boss is really worried about him, as he'd never missed a day of work in 15 years. So he gets in his car and drives over to his house to make sure he's okay.

He knocks, but there's no answer. He puts his ear to the door and hears moaning. "Oh no! He's dying!" the boss says. He busts in the...

A widow is attending her husbands funeral.

The dead mans best friend leans over to the widow and asks.

“Can I say a word”

“I would greatly appreciate that“

“Plethora”

“Thank you, that means a lot”

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?

Pilot Error.

I attended the funeral today of the man I hit with my car...

I can’t believe I said “I’ll miss him” to his survivors.

I attended a comedy seminar once... It was horrible, they needed more trees.

Because comedy comes in trees.

A woman visits her son at the uni he attends

A woman visits her son at the uni he attends, he invites her into his dorm and introduces her to his roommate. The mother instantly suspects that they are dating. So she asks her son Mother: “are you guys dating?” Son: “no mom, she’s just my roommate, we even have separate beds” The mother was st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau attended the Assembly of First Nations annual summer meeting in Whitehorse.

Trudeau said he wasn't there to speak to the chiefs but to listen.


Then he spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing the Liberal Party back into the hearts of the Canadian people and how he was going to legalize marijuana and the many ways that he was going to help the Firs...

My coworker is unable to attend next week’s innuendo seminar

I have to fill her slot instead

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."

The doctor says, "Mine is."

A man and his wife attends an air show

The man sees a small aeroplane with an open roof and beautiful aesthetics. On a sign beside the plane wrote "100 dollars for a flight per person"
The man asked his wife "can we take a flight? It is my dream to take a flight in this beautiful plane."
His wife said "No, 200 dollars is too much ...

Mandatory Attendance

A drunkard walking on the street, is approached by the police at 3:00 AM.


The policeman asks: "Where are you going at this hour?"


The drunkard answers:
"I am going to attend a conference on alcohol abuse and the lethal effects on the body, the bad example it creates on chi...

Attending Jihadi terrorist school

has really been a blast.

An old woman passed away. Her 25 children attended the funeral.

The priest spoke of her extraordinary life.

“She married John and they had had 13 children before he passed. Then she remarried. She and her beloved Richard had 7 children. But he sadly died as well. But she married again and had 5 children with Michael. Now she is at rest. Thank you, Lord f...

Inspired by “Vulture Culture”: two vultures are boarding a plane, one of them is dragging a dead chicken. The gate attendant stops them and says:

I’m sorry sir, but this airline does not allow carrion.

I came to the realization that my 5 year old was watching too much reality TV when we attended a wedding

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle to the altar, he asked, "Is this where the groom picks the one he wants to marry?"

So I attended a salsa class today

The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips

I wanted to attend the seminar on vomit control.

Unfortunately, something came up.

I asked the flight attendant what my options were for dinner.

She replied, "Yes or No."

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

I've been a nun all my life, but recently I quit and began attending so many orgies that I can't even remember who's been there.

I just don't know what's gotten into me lately.

What do you call it when you attend a tree's funeral?

Mourning wood.

Why did the kelp attend Pride?

Because it was part of the algae-BT community.

300 Bricks on a plane

There are 300 bricks on a plane, 1 falls off. How many are left? Pretty simple, 299.


What are the 3 steps to put an elephant in a fridge? Easy, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, and close the fridge.


What are the 4 steps to put a Giraffe in the fridge? Easy, open the fr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was very undecided about attending the LGBT+ Pride march today and I ended up with a sore butt....

...It’s what I get for sitting on the fence!

I’ve noticed a severe lack of African-American students attending Hogwarts...

... I guess they don’t like black magic.

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

"Put me in coach"

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

Feel old yet?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.". Well . . . you'll love this one..The stuff is from a lady called Amy

"My name is Amy. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his ...

A husband and wife attend the same fair every year for 50 years

Every year the husband asks his wife if they can go on the helicopter tour for $50 and she says no, because $50 is $50.

On the 50th year at the fair the husband is arguing with his wife about going on the ride and she gives him the same response: "no, $50 is $50."

This year the pilot ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass.

The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner.

The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”

The pastor questions, “Then ...

I attended many weddings in the past within my extended family.

At the reception, the old folks always came to me telling: "You're next! You're next!"

This suddenly stopped after I started doing the same at funeral services.

A recent wedding I attended was very emotional...

Even the cake was in tiers.

A man attends the funeral of an old friend

He sees the grieving widow and asks if he could say a word. The widow allows it, and the man stands up and yells “PLETHORA!”

The widow looks up at him and with a smile says “thank you, that means a lot.”

What's the difference between a plane engine and a flight attendant?

The engine stops whining after take-off.

I attended my first cannibal wedding the other day

Favorite part was when the best man roasted the groom. It was savage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today my jerk colleague from work asked me to cover his ass so that he can attend a pool party with his friends

I refused with anger and told him to use swimming trunks like everyone else does.

The best part of being a flight attendant

Has to be when you walk the aisle saying "trash" to everyone's face.

He Knows You

A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:



Attendant: How may I help you?



Old Man: Please fill it up.



Old Lady: What did he say?



Old Man \[yelling\]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.



Attendant: So, where ...

A man and his wife were going on a vacation but the wife had to attend a conference at work so he decided to go before her and she would meet up with him him after.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to the widow of an elderly preacher who had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a ...

A rich man was driving in his Cadillac when he sees a poor man eating grass on a hill

“What are you doing” - Says the rich man.

“I have 3 days without food for me and my family, so the grass on this hill is our last resource”

“Daaaammmm, say no more, get in” -Says the rich man, exited.

“Ohhh, thank you very much. Do you mind if I tell to my wife and 2 kids about...

A politician visited a village ahead of an election

When asking the local residents what is the two biggest issues are someone spoke up from the crowd “we have a hospital but no doctor”

The politician immediately pulled out his phone, dialled a number, spoke briefly, hung up, then told the village attendants a doctor has been sourced and will ...

A group of 5 college freshmen are going away for holiday by train when they runs into another group of 5 seniors that are taking the same train.

Both groups goes into the ticket booth. The freshmen purchased 5 tickets while the seniors only purchased 1 ticket for the entire group. Puzzled, the freshmen ask the seniors why the other four of them doesn't have any tickets. The seniors simply say: you will see.

On the train when the train...

A well renown heart surgeon has passed away.

All of his familiy members, colleagues and former students attend at his funeral service. Near the end of the ceremony, his well decorated coffin is being lowered into a heart shaped patch of red flowers, which opens up just before the coffin is being lowered. During that process, a man amongst the ...

A Russian man, an Italian man, and a Jewish man all move into town.

A Russian man, an Italian man, and a Jewish man all move into town. They all want to start their own business, so each of them goes to the richest man in town and asks for a loan.
The Russian man asks, "I want to start my own business here, and I need a loan of $20,000". The rich man replies, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest was friends with Stephanie, a blonde woman who regularly attends his services.

As the priest was strolling through town one day, he noticed Stephanie's father holding hands with another man. Shocked, the priest calls his friend later that day to verify what he saw.

"Hey Stephanie, I think your dad might be homosexual. Is this true?"

"No way, are you serious? I ca...

Mark is a gynecologist

but he is out of work, having messed up one too many times, so he decides he will do what his father did and become a mechanic, he applies to a technical school, gets accepted, and attends all his classes. He seems to be incredible at it as well, just as his father had said he would be. His final in...

A flight attendant walks up to a passenger and says, "Excuse me, would you like some headphones?"

Passenger smiles and replies, "How'd you know my name was Phones"?

A man went to a conference in a rural town. On the way back, his car broke down.

Looking around, he saw a monastery sitting on a hill. He decided to ask to stay the night. The monks were welcoming and gave him a room to stay in. In the middle of the night, the man woke to hear strange, beautiful, haunting music. It captivated him. He lay still, crying for the whole hour in which...

I thought about attending an orgy

But if I wanted to disappoint many people at once, I could just repost this joke on Reddit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone is shitting on Trump for not attending the ceremony, but they all forget that

fake tan and rain don't go well together.

Hawaii is hosting a party for all the states. Hawaii says, “be there or be square!”

Unfortunately, Colorado and Wyoming didn’t attend.

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.

We have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this and anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so th...

Three old men have just arrived in heaven and are attending an orientation meeting.

They are all asked, "When you are at the funeral and your friends and families are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?"



The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."



The second guy says, "I would...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse wants to start a band

A horse wants to start a band. However, he can’t sing; So he goes to a vet.



He asks the vet, “Can you give me vocal cords so I can sing?” The vet agrees and gives the horse vocal cords.

A chicken sees this and wants to join the band, so he asks the vet, “can you give me lips so...

Flight Attendant: Please don't forget to activate 'airplane mode'

Me: Running around with my arms spread making airplane noises.

What time does Sean Connery attend the Wimbledon?

Tennish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John had a mistress...

John had a mistress from another country. One day his mistress calls and tells John that she booked a flight and was coming to meet him and spend a day there.

John wakes up early in the next morning and tells his wife that his uncle had passed away. He needed to go to the airport and meet s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always tip the bathroom attendant...

Because I know he's seen some shit.

I recently attended a really wild Pagan Religions Festival

People got really into it! They were worshiping anyone that wasn't nailed down

Stop complaining!

My daughter recently went on a trip with some friends. While she was out, they went to the museum, attended a wedding (the reason for the trip), and went to see a movie, Frozen 2, as long as she promised not to spoil it for our family.

When she got back after her weekend, it seemed that bein...

A man is mortally wounded on a plane

The flight attendant asks "Is there a doctor on this plane?"

A woman nods and follows the flight attendant. She quickly announces the man is dead.

My dad whispers to me "That should have been you"

I tell my dad that I am a doctor of philosophy, not medicine

My dad respon...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

This is the third time my friends have agreed to attend a Whitesnake concert and haven't turned up

Here I go again on my own.

Why did the deaf airplane passenger panic?

They saw the flight attendant yawn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's this blonde.

She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat.
The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.
She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane"
Th...

Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?

They prefer a casual tea.

Jasmine tried to attend a "Disney Prince Only" gathering

She wasn't Aladdin.

A man walks up to the counter at the airport holding a dead possum. The attendant asks “Sir, will you be checking that?”

The man replies “No, it’s carrion.”

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

We just flew into Atlanta, and the landing was HORRIBLE.

After the overhead bins quit popping open and the bouncing stopped and the dust settled, the flight attendant got on the intercom and explained.

“I just want to apologize for that terrible landing, but keep in mind that it wasn’t the pilot’s fault. And it wasn’t the airplane’s fault. It was ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A failing zoo was desperate to drive attendance.

After much discussion, they finally purchased a gnu from Africa.

In anticipation of its arrival, the zoo built a new exhibit for the hard-to-obtain animal. It was a beautiful indoor/outdoor enclosure and contractors worked diligently to meet the deadline of the animal’s arrival.

Unfort...

Me to the Pet Store Attendant: "Do you have any chameleons?"

Pet Shop Attendant: "I have no idea"

I have been banned from attending the local nudist beach.

Apparently I was inappropriately dressed.

I never attend the funerals of my friends...

Because they won’t be there at mine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ask Your Mother

A mother and her young son were flying on Virgin Australia, from Brisbane to Melbourne. The son turned to his mother and asked: “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?”
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the f...

I recently attended a funeral where the casket was driven to the cemetery on a practice run before the ceremony and procession.

It was a rehearsal.

Why didn't Bach attend Vivaldi's concert?

He was baroque.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Ro...

A Scotsman goes to America and attends his very baseball game.

He’s never been to a game in Scotland, nor watched a game on TV, or seen movies such as Bull Durham, The Babe or Eight Men Out.

He figures out players need to beat out the throw to first base before arriving to first base

The visiting teams pitcher throws 4 pitches out of the strike zo...

Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...

They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.

The Cheerio Story

They call it... the Cheerio Story

So there's this Cheerio walking down the street one day when he finds a magic lamp. He gives it a rub, and a genie popa out and says
> Mortal Cheerio, for freeing me from my prison, I shall grant you three wishes.

The cheerio thinks on this... an...

An Old man attended a Faith Healing session

The preacher said "Stand up and walk"
Then the old man proceeded to stand up from his wheelchair and slowly walked. The shocked crowd yelled in praise.
The preacher asked him: "How are you feeling now?"
The old man replied: "I still can't see"

My English friend called me from the Storm Area 51 event.

According to him, all they got for attending was a bloody t-shirt.

After years of avoiding social commitments, I finally attended my book club meeting.

Turns out I hadn't missed out on much, they were still stuck on the same book- The Bible

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today.

Turns out it was a Miss Steak.

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction...

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "They gave those away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. Th...

A young couple attend a dance together...

A young couple attend a dance together. When the two arrive at the dance, there is a long line to enter the dance hall.

After waiting and waiting, the couple make it to the front entrance.

They are told they can’t enter the dance hall unless they have a ticket.

The line for t...

A man and his wife had plans to attend a costume party.

The night of the party, the wife suddenly got a headache and said she couldn't go, but encouraged her husband to attend. He reluctantly put on his mask and headed to the party.

The wife suddenly woke up from a nap feeling much better. She got an idea - she went and bought a different costume ...

Despite what people think, it's not all doom and gloom being a morgue attendant.

This morning I had a right little Chuckle.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.