What do my dms and a vegan get together have in common

There's a whole lot of unwanted meet

A crow was arrested during lockdown for trying to organise a get together with many other fellow crows.

The police said he was arrested for attempted murder.

Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas

The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything

Two hobos get together at the end of the day to see how much money they have.

Hobo 1: "I only have 1 dollar, what are we going to do?"

Hobo 2: " I have nothing. Okay, let's buy a Bologna sausage and then go to a bar, I have an idea."

So they buy a bologna sausage and go to a bar and drink a couple of beers on the tab. They have a great time, but it's getting qui...

I’m going to a friends get together dressed up as Bob Ross

I hope the night doesn’t lead to any “happy little mistakes”

George Clooney Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a new film.

George Clooney says he’s gonna direct Leonardo DiCaprio says he’s gonna be the producer and Matthew McConaughey says I’ll write I’ll writte I’ll write

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of friends decide to get together and go on a hunting trip in Georgia to get away for a few days. The arrangements are made and a few days later they are being picked up by their guide 'Bubba' at the airport and off to the hills of Georgia they go.

Bubba decides to hold a little church call before they take off on the hunt: "Now you city boys be real careful with them thar guns and don't go shooting each other in the foot and don't shoot nothing till I tell ya its all right. Now listen up real good to this here, you see them bunch of Hound dog...

What do you call a bunch of pandemic flu victims that all ignore social distancing and get together for a party?

A murder of crovids

At a family get together I asked my 14 year old nephew, " Ryan did you blow bubbles when you were growing up?"

"No"

"Well he's in town and he said he was looking for you".

A group of deaf people get together to protest

The group begins chanting

“What do we want?”

“Hearing aids!”

When do we want them?”

“Hearing aids!

#299: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis get together at a bar and have drinks.

After catching up, Stallone says, "I think we should make a movie with all of us."

Bruce Willis says, "That's a great idea, but I'm tired of action movies. How about we make a movie about classical composers?"

Stallone says, "I like that idea, Bruce. I can be Mozart and you can be Beet...

How did Father Time and Mother Earth get together?

Only Time will tell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."

So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodg...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple's children get together to ask their him about the origin of their names.

"I suppose you're all old enough that we can tell you the real story. Each of you were named according to the circumstances surrounding your conception," the father said.

"What about me?" asked his first child.

"Well, Breckenridge, your father and I took our honeymoon to go skiing and ...

What is the favorite instrument when two sheep get together?

....a tu-baaaaaaaaaaaa

Some crocodiles decided to get together and sing parody songs.

It's a pun-croc band.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look...

My local prison started a program where inmates get together once a week to read poetry

they're calling it "Prose and Cons"

Made this one up years ago....What do they call it when a psychiatrist and a rapper get together for a talk?

Shrink wrap!

Three different tribesmen get together in a meeting..

The First Tribesmen: My People Can touch the SKY

Other Two: The Sky?

The First Tribesmen: Well... a little lower than that

The Second Tribesmen: Well our people can touch the deepest part of the eart

The Other two: The deepest part?

The Second Tribesmen: Well... a ...

All blonde women gets together and try to prove that they are smart

So all the blonde women get together and decide that they have to prove that they are smart. They call all the blond women in their town for a convention. They also called news papers and a math professor from a local University. The professor have picked out one blonde and ask her a question in ord...

I had plans to get together with a buddy of mine who's a clock hobbyist, but he never showed up.

When I asked him where he was he said he was busy binge watching.

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some big shots get together for a gentleman's night during Easter holidays.

Three CEO's of some big companies get together to smoke cigars and drink expensive whiskey.

They gathered at a chalet and brought a waiter with them to serve the drinks.

"Finally some alone time" says the first CEO. Sent my wife to an all inclusive spa in Austin. It cost me $10k but it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Get together

Son: Dad there's a small get together at school tomorrow !!!

Father: small get together.? ..how small

Son: only me...you...and principal

Dave, Einstein, and the bus driver get together to write OC for this sub and they send me the material to proof. My response is always the same though.

Already Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't testicles and prostates ever get together?

They have a vas deferens between them.

My friend and I make dad jokes when we get together, but neither of us are dads.

We're just social faux pas.

These three priest get together to compare notes;

They are discussing how they decide what portion of the collections goes to God (Back into the church) and what they keep for themselves.

The first one says, no matter how much money we get after collections, I only keep 10% for myself. The rest goes to God.

The second one says, no ma...

What is it called when kitchen appliances get together for a meeting?

A cabinet.

A schoolyard bully asked all of his usual victims to get together and be waiting for him so he could get through all of his beatings quickly this time, but none of them showed up.

End of joke. There was no punchline.

Eminem, 50 Cent and Andre from Outkast get together to produce a new single.

50 Cent says, 'I'll make the beat.'


Eminem says, 'I'll release it on my label and deal with the promo.'


Andre says, 'I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll ...

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life

They had a good time. One day, one of the men, Harry, started talking about a fantastic restaurant. He went to this restaurant the other night with his wife.
“Really?” one of the men said, “What’s it called?”
Harry thinks for a few seconds and says, “What are those good-smelling flowers called...

Why did Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia never get together?

Because Luke was looking for love in Alderaan places!!

Dyslexic procrastinators, it's time to get together and rise up

Get on your work boots and untie

My wife and I are hosting a get together tonight that ends at 11:30..

We're calling it a before New Year's leave party.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two smut writers get together...

That night there was a lot of fanfriction.

What happens when two normal people get together?

Pair-a-normal activity

Three women get together for coffee

and the topic of conversation turns to contraception.

The first woman says: "We've used the rhythm method for years. The Holy Father approves of it and its surprisingly effective - it's only ever failed us twice."

The second woman says: "Holy Father, Shmoly Father. We don't go for ...

Sometimes me and my friends get together to talk about chicks

It's a poultry slam.

Gabe Newell and Bill Gates should get together.

Not only would there be some epic games, they could comfort each other's inability to count.

Three best friends get together at the bar.

All three get crazy drunk and then head home. The next weekend they meet up again.

Guy #1: "Guys, my life is ruined. I got so drunk last week that I was pulled over driving home and got a DUI. I'm probably going to have to go to jail."

Guy #2: "Damn, that sucks. But my night was worse....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman with a gas problem and a man without a sense of smell get together.

It only happened at night while she slept, she couldnt control it and heard it was bad. She was hesitant to tell him at first, but finally did. The man, who thought she was the most beautiful thing he has ever seen said "That wont bother me, because luckily enough I dont have a sense of smell!". The...

What do you call it when Lenin, Trotsky, and Stalin get together for a drink?

A communist party

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

The Man Who Knows Everyone

Dave was bragging to his boss one day. "You know," he said, "I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama, boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to the same bar every saturday and orders three glass of whiskey...

and after quickly drinking the whiskey, he leaves the bar.

After doing this more than a year, bartender gets curious and asks him:

"If you dont mind me asking, why do you always order three shots?"

"I got me a two brother, mate. We used to get together and order one glass of wh...

A Group of Guys Were All Turning 30...

A group of guys were all turning 30, so they decided to go somewhere and celebrate. After some discussion, they finally settled on TJ's Tavern over in Summersville, because the prices were good and it stayed open late.

Ten years later, they were all turning 40, and they thought it might be fu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to Hell.

When he gets there, a demon tells him that he has to choose a room that he's going to stay in for the rest of all time.

The first room is big, with a few hundred people standing in piles of shit up to their waists. Other than that, nothing else is happening. They all seem to be having small ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

So there's this village on the Black Sea coast in Turkey

Over time a pothole in the road has got so big that people are falling into it and getting injured.

It get so bad that all the villagers get together to decide what to do about the hole in the road.

One of them says, "We should have an ambulance standing by ready to take people to the ...

A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain

While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man’s body parts having a meeting to decide how to survive the pandemic.

Brain has the chair.

He starts: Ok Everyone. Things looking bleak: a deadly virus is going around, the master is sitting home all day and not getting enough sun or exercise, he lost his job and started drinking – so The hard times are ahead. We need to get together and think how we can survi...

Covid Christmas in Canada

You can get together with your family on Christmas and smoke weed and the only illegal part is getting together with your family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Its legal to screw an animal in Washington, DC....

Because that's where all the pigs get together and fuck us

Daft Punk calls it quits

Maybe if we get lucky, they will get together one more time.

You know you're poor when..

the Flies get together and fix the holes in your screens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one bum cheek say to the other bum cheek?

Whenever we get together we have a crack up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.