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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven...

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they...

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.

"I'm a turtle", he says.

"Oh... who's on your back?"

"That's Michelle", he replies.

So the Pope arrives at heavens gate

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

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The police arrive to find two Irishmen with a dead Pakistani.

The Police ask, “Do you know how this man died?”
The Irishmen reply, “No we don’t know anything about the man!”
The police then ask, “Do you know what his name was?”
The Irishmen reply again, and they say “I told you I don’t know anything about the man! We just went drinking with him a lot ...

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss “Wow that’s an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!”

The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says “Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really har...

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she s...

A lady arrives at a post office...

...and asks the postman:

"Hi, can I call my mom? I'm out of cash and I need to talk to her urgently".

The postman says "No money, no phone call, miss".

"I will do everything you want, please I really need to call my mother!" - the lady proceeds.

"Music to my ears" - the p...

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: “You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.”

So, his wife lies down on the bed…and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor....

A mathematician arrives at work on a bike

His colleague asks "Where did you get the bike?"

"That's really curious. Imagine, I was walking down the road, suddenly that young woman comes along on this bike, jumps off, takes her dress off 'til she's naked and says "Take what you want". So I took the bike."

"Makes sense", his coll...

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A new monk arrives at the monastery ...

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be...

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A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her.”

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, “So… did y...

What kind of dinosaur is always quick to arrive?

A pronto-saurus

Sean Connery arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by St. Peter, who says:

Sean! We’ve been waiting for a while, sorry you had to leave, but the big man can’t wait to meet you. He’s gonna come a see you about ten-ish.
Sean thinks for a second an replies,
“Tennish? But I didn’t bring a racquet”


RIP Lgend. You were the best bond by far.

Aliens arrive to earth, "Let's invade that area first, humans called it Poland"

"Why that area first?"



"It seems a habit around here..."

A woman arrives to the gates of heaven

While she was waiting for God to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been wai...

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Ten-ish.

RIP Mr Connery.

A vulture arrives at the airport check-in. He's carrying a dead rabbit under one wing.

"Return ticket to Death Valley please."
"Pleasure trip?"
"Yup, sort of a u-pick kind of thing."
"LOL, very good! Ok, here you go. Are you checking the rabbit?"
"No, this is carrion."

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Why did the eyewitness arrive to trial with one less testicle and a bag full of cash?

They were told to give teste-money

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A sex therapist arrives at his premature ejaculation clinic and finds a single patient waiting for him. What does the therapist say?

"You're early"

What did the emperor's dog say to guests who had just arrived?

bow.

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"*No*" replied the Irishman "*I've lost all me luggage!*"

"*How'd that happen?*"

"*The cork fell out!*" ...

A guy arrives home early...

Father: you’re home early...

Son: *sigh* yeah, I got kicked out.

Father: What?! Why?!

Son: the prettiest girl in my math class offered to give me a handjob and I just couldn’t say “no”

Father: I don’t think they’re going to let you teach there anymore

A man arrives in heaven laughing

A man approaches St. Peter in a fit of laughter.

St. Peter: whats so funny
Man: some jam band thats playing tonight is looking for an easy Eddie Van Halen song to play to honor me.
St. Peter: Well go see god right away, prince just quit as his guitar tutor.

Rip to a legend

A farmer is expecting his 3 daughters dates to arrive, so he hears a knock on a door, decides to grab his shotgun for intimidation, and opens it.

The first date arrives and says,
“Hello there! My name is Lance, and I’m here to take Chance out to the dance.”

So, the farmer calls his daughter, Chance, and they go off together. The another knock is heard, so he answers it again, shotgun in hand.

“Hey there, it’s me, Dave, and I’...

A group of Franciscan Monks arrived at the front of the Playboy Mansion

They all started setting up shops. One by one, they would close down, and the only carts that remained sold flowers.

The police and the media started to show up, amazed that the monks were able to sell flowers on the Playboy Mansion front steps. Passers by would buy a rose, and pass the house...

A husband says to his wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.”

A husband says to his wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.”

The wife replies, “Why not wear silver and come second for a change?”

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

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3 men get sent to heaven and they arrive at Saint Peter’s gate.

St. Peter tells them they can have all the golfing and fun they want but when golfing to NEVER hit a duck. One of the guys asks, “why is hitting a duck a problem?” Saint Peter replies, “If you hit a duck it will start quacking then another will start quacking, then all the ducks start quacking and e...

Why did the McDonalds cashier beat up the customer and then strut around bragging about it until police arrived?

Someone ordered a McGregor

A businessman arrives in Boston and hails a cab at the airport.

Being a great lover of fish and hoping to try out a local speciality for dinner, he says to the driver, "Say, could you tell me please, where's the best place in town to get scrod?"

The cabbie says, "Well, sir, I must get asked that question ten thousand times a year, but never before in the ...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead arrive at work and get into the lift(/elevator for my friends in the US).

The brunette spots a white puddle in the corner and exclaims "ew, that looks like cum!"

The redhead bends down closer, sniffs and announces, "it smells like cum."

The blonde gets on all fours, licks it, thinks for a moment and states: "it's no-one from this building."

Three nuns die and arrive at the pearly gates

Saint Peter is there, the gates are closed, and he says to the first nun, "To enter Heaven, you must first answer a question: What was the name of the first man?" She says, "Why, that would be Adam". Ding-ding-ding-ding, the gate opens and she goes in. Saint Peter turns to the second nun and asks, "...

A guy on the red scooter arrives at the monastery where 1024 monks lived...

The monk opens the door.


-How can I help you? - he asks.


-Could I sleep here tonight?


-OK, come in.


While he was sleeping, the roof has fallen, killing half of the monks. Now there are 512 left.


The next day, a guy on the red scooter returnes.<...

A time traveler arrives in the year 2069 and decides to check in with Reddit to see if it's still around.

To his surprise it is. So he heads to /r/jokes to see what has developed in the world of humor.

To his surprise, each post consisted of just a number. Scrolling through, he saw that each vote had a hundreds of upvotes while 3527 had thousands and several awards to boot.

Puzzled, he ...

Taxi driver picks up a hooker. They arrive at her destination & she confesses she doesn’t have any money. She says “Will this do?”

Cabbie looks in his rear view mirror & sees the hooker spreading her legs with no panties on & he says “Got anything smaller?”

A monk dies and arrives at the pearly gates...

Allowed to enter, he notices a book prominently displayed behind Saint Peter. The monk asked what the book was. Saint Peter replied, "That's the bible as it was *supposed* to be written. The bible on Earth is close, but there are a few minor differences between the two."

"I was a biblical scr...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

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A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University ...

A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University and found himself lost in the yard. He stopped a professor who was walking by and said to him, "Howdy Pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"

The professor couldn't believe his ears. "What did you say?" he said.
...

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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

A detective story

11:45 - arrived at crime scene

11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle

11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain

11:45 - Realised watch was broken

Did you hear about the new manned mission that just arrived on venus?

They're under a lot of pressure.

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk...

His wife was up waiting for him...

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

Last night, I dreamt of going to Germany with my family. When we arrived, the airport guards pinned us down and started beating us with sausages.

It was truly my wurst nightmare.

Husband and wife are having marriage trouble. Husband is often unfaithful. One day the wife died an early death and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one.

It was her grandmother.

Wife: grandmother what must I do to get through Heavens gate?

Grandmother: it's easy honey, all you have to do is spell one word.

Wife: what is it?

Grandmother: Love

After many years and multiple wives later the husband dies and arrives at ...

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Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time.

As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them.

"The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in."

The first man steps forward.

"Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floo...

One evening, an Army Major Arrived at a Base

Feeling hungry, he went to the Officers' Club for supper. He sat at the bar and asked the waiter.

"What's good here, Soldier?"

The waiter snapped to attention, "Discipline, Sir!"

(This is supposedly a true story.)

A Chinese restaurant owner arrives home very drunk.

He crawls into bed next to his wife and shakes her awake, whispering, " Hey honey, how about a little 69?"

She jumps out of bed, livid, and yells at him, "You come home at 3am, stinking of whiskey, wake me up, and have the nerve to ask me for some pork fried rice, chicken chow mein, and an eg...

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Three men arrive to the Heaven's Gates...

...and are asked by St. Peter, how did they found their final fate.
The 1st man steps forward:
"Well,see, I long suspected that my wife been cheating on me, so today I "left for work", only to come back half an hour later. And what do I see -- my wife naked in bed, and some asshole below our w...

Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived h...

There are two sisters...

...one is blonde and hte other is brunette and they inherit the family farm.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed ...

It’s 1975 and a zebra from the Bronx zoo dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St. Peter said "That's a question only God can answer.”

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked "God, please - I must know... am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are.”

The zebra...

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A bus full of Catholics and a coach load of Jews all arrive at the same church

There was mass confusion.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

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A man's wife sends him out to get some cigarettes

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.<...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man...

...and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says.

The Mexican responds, “How a...

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A politician vists a town in one of his electoral districs.

It is a small, remote town deep in the mountains.
When he arrives he is greeted by the towns people, the mayor, and a camera crew. He waves and shakes his supporters hands while smiling for the camera.
Finally he walks up to the mayor of the small town and asks:

"So mayor, what problems...

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet and goes out. As she looks at her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.


Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and sl...

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[Nsfw] I was planning to buy a SUV for while. My birthday arrived and my wife said "Surprise, I got you SUV"

Elated I jumped "wow honey, you are the best....cant wait to go out and check it out!"

She said "No need. Its in the bag here. Socks Underwear & Viagra"

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An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

Walking through Chinatown, a backpacker saw a Chinese laundry with the sign: "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"

'Sigurd Kristiansen? How the hell does that name fit in here?' he wondered.
So he decided to check it out. He entered to see an elderly Chinese man behind the counter.
'How did this Chinese laundry get a name like "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"?' the backpacker asked.
The elderly Chinese re...

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A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

A man gets arrested for selling alcohol without a permit. He gets a lawyer who tells to not to worry, he’s got a fool-proof defense. The day of the trial arrives, and the lawyer address the jury. “Ladies and gentlemen, take a good long look at my client...

...do you think, if he had even a drop of alcohol in his possession, that he would sell it?”

Why did the cops arrest the two crows before more could arrive?

Attempted murder.

There was probable caws.

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

Brother Mark arrives at the monastery where he intends to devote his life to servitude to the Lord.

When he arrives, he discovers that the other brothers are creating new books by copying from previous copies.

So he asks Brother John, 'Do you ever proofread these copies against the original? How do you know that someone isn’t copying a mistake?

Brother John ponders this and decides, ...

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

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A man arrives in heaven...

A man arrives in heaven and St. Peter asks him how he died.

"I came home from work early," the man says, "because I suspected my wife was having an affair."

"Sure enough, there she was in bed naked, obviously caught in the act. She was alone, but I knew her lover had to be close by. T...

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

I recently ordered a Grandfather clock online. I was surprised how small the package was when it arrived.

I really need to learn to check my spelling.

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

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A woman and baby were in The doctors examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the babies first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both br...

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.



At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”



The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the...

An Atheist in Hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

Coronavirus arrives in the USA.

Mexico: So, about that wall......

A US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. “What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend et...

A man dies and arrives at the pearly gates where St. Peter greets him.

He asks St. Peter to let him enter.

**St. Peter**: You can enter only at one condition.

**Man:** What condition my lord?

**St. Peter:** You have to spell one world correctly and only then you can enter.

**Man:** What word?

**St. Peter:** Love!

**Man:** L-O-V...

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A Christian Priest arrives at the gates of Hell

"How'd you die?" asked a demon.
The priest replied, "I had a heart attack."
D: Well what happened?
P: Someone broke my windows, popped the tire on my Harley, and stole all my tools out of my shed.
D: Well that'd give anyone a heart attack. But you're a priest! Why are you in hell...

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A huge soccer fan arrived at the Vatican

There, he saw the pope. He approached His Holiness and said: 'Mr. Popeman, there is one thing I have always wondered: do they have soccer in heaven?'

'Good question', says the Pope, 'Let me get back to you on that. Meet me here in a week.'

A week later, the Pope and the man meet each o...

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The Gorilla Remover

A man wakes up one morning and sees a gorilla on the roof of his house. So he looks up the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Gorilla Removers.” He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be there in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s g...

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Husband arrives home from work to his wife with a broken leg

Hubby: How are you doing??

Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.

Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..

Sisters: Prove it!<...

Three men died and went to heaven

Three men died and went to heaven. Where it has been decreed that each person gets a vehicle according to their deeds.
The first man arrives and god asks "How long were you married for?"
"20 Years" said the first man
"And how many times did you cheat on your wife?" God asked
"Uhh... 5 ti...

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.

"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead." So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you lef...

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A man arrives to the airport with three bags

A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?”

The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossibl...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

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A woman arrived at a party.

While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the ...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns hoem and he's now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens,thinks for a moment and says,‟That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a...

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did yo...

Two men go hiking

And one of them has a stutter and extreme trouble saying words that begin with a T.
They are walking on a popular hiking trail long 2000m, and they will camp at the destination.
700m into their walk the man with a stutter starts
saying : " T T T T T"
His friend, annoyed with this says ...

A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them

As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear: "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands....

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A woman ordered a dildo on Amazon and it finally arrived and she couldn't wait to use it.....

It was called The Magic Dildo. The instructions said that all you have to do is say "Magic dildo my vagina" and then it will do its thing.

So she eagerly said "Magic dildo my vagina" and sure enough the dildo floated in the air and flew up her skirt and started giving her pleasure.

I...

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An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That...

Aliens arrive on earth, and the Catholic Church arranges a meeting with them.

They ask the aliens if they believe in god. The aliens respond, “That’s why we came here! Mount Olympus is on Earth, right?”

3 people try to escape a mental institution

They decide to kill the three guards and leave. One guard is in the room with them, another in the hallway, and another guarding the gate. They kill the one in the room, kill the one in the hallway, and then make their way down to the main gate. When they arrive at the main gate, they find out the g...

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My book on herbal erotica finally arrived today.

It’s about fucking thyme.

The one with the Exterminator

A woman is in bed with his
Lover when her husband arrives home. The lover immediately hides inside the closet, while the woman covers with a sheet.
The husband changes clothes and opens the closet, finding the naked man.
“what are you doing in this closet?”, the husband asks.
- well,...

A man awakens in the middle of the night to find that his house was being robbed.

He calls up the local police to ask for someone to help stop them.

"Help, my house is being robbed!" He says to the dispatcher.

"We're sorry, but there are no cars available to help you right now. Please lock yourself in your room and we will send an officer by in the morning to take a...

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4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.
St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"
The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Ho...

My boss has arrived with a brand new ferari. "Wow" I said amazed. He told me then :

"If you work hard enough and put all your effort to strive for excellence without taking hours break, i might get another one next year."

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A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says...

Paddy had just arrived in New York from Ireland and was invited by one of his American cousins to go to his first baseball game.

Seated in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, he watched as a man swung a
stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag
down the line. Everyone stood up and yelled,
"Run, run!"
Then a second guy came up to the plate,
whacked the ball and started down toward the
white bag. Everyone sto...

The Egyptian police arrived to arrest a tourist for trespassing.

The police said, "Sir, you're in the Nile river. Come out now."

The man shouted, "I'm not in the Nile, you are!"

In a hurry to get to a special dinner party, the guest speaker arrives and sat down, only to realize he'd forgotten his false teeth.

He explained his dilemma to the man sitting next to him.
The man said, "No problem," reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of false teeth. "Try these,"he said.
"Too loose," the speaker said.
The man pulled out another pair.
"Too tight," the speaker told him.
"I have one mo...

A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain

While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calor...

The teacher arrived in class and told me to leave

She said I was outstanding

making a baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door ...

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A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone ...

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
...

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A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them ou...

Two clever nuns

There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and...

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

An old preacher was dying.

He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, s...

Best birthday gift ever

A guy turns 50 and his friends find the perfect gift for him, a 1 hour session with a hooker that can sing and give head at the same time.

The birthday arrives and after he hears what his gift him he gets all excited, goes to the specified house and knocks on the door.

The lady on the ...

Cinderella

What did Cinderella do when she arrived at the ball?







She Gagged!!

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An elderly British couple are vacationing in Africa.

An elderly British couple have just arrived in Africa for a safari vacation and are being shuttled by taxi to their hotel. They drive by a rural village, and a man is outside, completely naked, with a ruler up against his penis.

"Blimey!" exclaims the wife, "what on earth is that bloke doing!...

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