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I went out in a thunderstorm carrying a metal pipe

What happened next shocked me

Why does windmills like heavy metal?

Because they are a huge metal fan

What’s a policeman’s favourite metal?

Copper

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What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

The bin out the back of the breast cancer clinic.

How do metal heads drink their coffee?

With Meshuggah.

Ever seen a blacksmith join two metal sheets?

It's riveting

What's the one note a black metal band will never play?

Gsus.

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I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

What do you call a heavy metal band With financial problems?

Megadebt

I just started a new job I'm metal grinding

Not sure if I love it or not, but sparks sure are flying

I found a Land Rover whilst metal detecting today

It was a lovely discovery

I saw a movie where a guy tried to shoot open a lock, but the heat from the bullet actually fused the metal together so the door wouldn't budge.

Now that's what I call a shotgun welding.

What was the Vegan Metal Bands name?

Plantera

Which type of metal do you need to be careful of?

Stainless Steel. Because they are SUS.

What is the procedure best fitting for metal heads in The Navy?

The Dokken Procedure

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As a man and a woman lay on a beach, the man notices someone with a metal detector.

"I wonder if he's found anything," he says to his wife, "I'm gonna to go ask him."

"C'mon honey, leave the loser alone."

But he was already up and walking over. "Found anything?" the man calls out.

"Oh yes," says the detectorist. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a ring. "I ...

I bought a book today about how to attach permanent metal fasteners.

It’s riveting.

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron

Which is ironic.

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The issu...

Why can't you improve the efficiency of wind farms by playing country music around them?

Because they're really just big heavy metal fans.

I like my death metal like I like my coffee.

Dark and with lots of Meshuggah.

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together.

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

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In 1944, Germany was losing WWII and was desperate for money. Nazi party officials secretely visited Switzerland bankers and offered to trade an entire division of Panzers in exchange for precious metals.

Tanks for the gold!

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year-long expedition and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help. The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle. "Why doesn't that just defeat the w...

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Amish man and his son go to a big shopping mall for the first time

They're staring in wonder at all of the shiny big buildings and the massive panes of glass when the two come across two big shiny metal doors.

"What is it, dad?" asked the son.

"I have no idea." replied the father. I have never seen anything like this in all my life.

They watch...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you got...

What is the sub-genre of metal preferred by most tuna fish?

Alba-core.

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3 students at a high school get into trouble and are put on detention after school.

But instead of just sitting in a classroom they are tasked with helping the school Janitor clean the school basement.

So they set about clearing the basement. They find loads of old junk, which had accumulated over the 80 years the school had been open.

After about an hour of movi...

God and the devil chat about music

The god and the devil were chating, as they usually do when the concept of music came up.
With a bit of intrigue God asked the devil how he'd managed to get into every genre of music, from rock & rap to hip hop & metal ect .
The devil chuckled no no no , music is too special, too human...

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

How did the metal beam break?

Shear force.

What do you call a sample of gold that used to be lead?

A transition metal.

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In the next few months, Jeff Bezos plans to go into space. There he will be forced to stay inside a small metal room and piss in a tube.

I guess he is just trying to relate to his employees.

What happens when you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal

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My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

People like to share their musical taste with their neighbors these quarantine days. My neighbor has been listening to death metal the entire day at full volume.

Whether he likes it or not.

What is a 100-year-old's favorite metal band?

Age Against the Machine.

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Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.



It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.

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After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assassin position — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for...

The Story of Chekhov's Gun

A man brought his date back to his apartment.

"And this is my apartment. Would you like some alcohols? My roommate, Chekhov, has a whole bunch of alcohols. He likes to buy them."

"No thanks," said the woman who was wearing a red scarf.

"He also has a gun that is usually right th...

Soviet joke about russian army. Still relevant.

Give a private two metallic spheres. After a while one will be broken, one - lost.

What two secret organizations rule the world through control of important metallic elements?

The Aluminati and the Tinplars.

Not all construction work is created equal.

For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

emos and goths should wear more gold

its pretty metal

Which metal do we need the soonest?

Silver, it's *argent*

A man walks into a bar

Ouch




It was a metal bar

What do you call a metal basketball player?

LeBronze

What's a Pixar editors favorite metal song?

Down with the Thiccness.

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My friend is a stripper, I'm a warehouse associate. She asked how her job is any different than mine if we both use our bodies.

I said "well it's simple really; I grind metal and you grind wood."

I just saw a theater performance called "The Woodpecker and the Metal Pole"

The performance was impeccable!

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.

One asks, "What’s your favorite kind of music?"

The other says, "I am a big metal fan."

Ten years into the war, both sides ran out of bullets for their guns.

They decided to use bows and arrows instead.

But ten years later, still strong in the war, both sides ran out of arrows and flint. So both sides used swords and axes.

But a decade after that, both sides ran out of metal, and they had to resort to weapons made of wood, like bo- staffs ...

I was supposed to pay $500 for a single chunk of metal

what a steel....

I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.

It was a *huge* ore chasm.

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What do pornography and Heavy Metal have in common?

There was a lot more hair in the 1970’s and 1980’s.

Why dont peple fish for non metals?

Because it is very boron

What does a metal frog say?

Rivet.

An Amish man and his son are at a mall.

They're taken aback as they look around. The son points to an elevator and asks his father, "What is that?" The man says, "I don't know, son, but let's watch." An old, fat woman gets on and the metal doors slide shut. A few moments later the doors slide open and a gorgeous young blonde gets off....

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?

Sparky

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A Redditor accidentally trips and sets off an explosion in a precious metal mine. What’s the first thing they say?

Holy crap this blew up!

Uhhh thanks for the gold stranger!

I used to build vessels for the US Navy

I had just arrived at my a new assignment, a typical underwater craft that was partially constructed in a special facility underground.

My first job of the day was to install markers along the starboard side of the vessel at 5 meter intervals.

The markers were metal posts that must be...

This time of year reminds me of that time I spent Christmas on the road ...

I stopped into a little diner for breakfast, and ordered the Christmas Eggs Benedict. The waitress came and delivered it on a shiny metal plate. I said, "This is fancy." She replied, "Well hon', you know there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

The special ed students made a metal band.

It’s called Syndrome of a Down.

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys ...

I want to make a lord of the rings themed metal band called

Nightmare on helms deep

The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves.

Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket.

I tossed and turned as I heard metallic sounds coming from the next bedroom.

It was a restless knight.

What is the hardest metal on your body?

Tongueskin.

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My girlfriend is a metal fan

The last time when we had sex, she got turned on and chopped my dick off

So a young man walks into a bar…

and notices a an unfamiliar patron sitting in the corner. This person looks completely normal, except that he has an extremely large, bright orange, spherical head. The young man asks the bartender,

“Do you know that fellow over there?”

“Oh, him? Yeah, that’s Andy.”

“What on e...

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A Russian moves to America

(Mild swearing at the end)

A young man from the depths of Siberia, Dmitri, moves to America hoping to start a new life. He buys a nice apartment, lives comfortably and integrates himself into the community, as a fine, upstanding citizen of New York.

6 or 7 months later, his old friends...

What's the difference between metal breakdown and what I go through everyday?

The letter N

What's the most important part of a heavy metal band?

The lead singer.

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Anna gets a call from the hospital

Anna gets a call from the hospital letting her know that her husband has been in a freak accident. She hurriedly drops what she's doing and rushes over to the hospital. Concerned and nervous, nearly in tears the doctor escorts her to the hospital room. Completely unprepared for the worst she takes a...

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Julia was organizing a cat show

Julia was organizing a cat show and needed a trophy for the first prize. So she contacted a sculptor to create a trophy that resembled a beautiful persian cat.

Julia and the sculptor got together to discuss the plans for this trophy. She wanted the base to be made of the finest white marble w...

Two windmills stood on a hill with a radio.

One turned to his friend and asked, “What’s your favourite music?”

The other windmill said, “I’m a big metal fan.”

I once told the family I like heavy metal

I got an iron anvil. Best gift ever.

How do frogs fasten sheet metal?

Ribbets

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Why do metal heads love blowjobs so much?

‘Cause that’s when they headbang.

What do you call a metal head who’s into banging fat chicks?

Down with the Thiccness

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What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

I don't tell jokes about metal

They're too ironic

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

Do you really enjoy joining pieces of sheet metal together all day long?

Yes, it's riveting.

3 scientists a boat driver and a crocodile are in a dingy

A material scientist, a biologist, a physicist, and a boat driver are in dingy in the middle of a river with a crocodile in a cage.

The boat driver is nervous and is worried the crocodile might brake out of the cage and eat them all.

The material scientist says he doesn’t need to worry...

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Once a month, I have a woman in my mouth.

Hands, latex, sometimes metal, I have no preference. In fact, I even sometimes let men do it to me too, either one works. They use me for an hour or so, putting their shit in my mouth, and complaining about my tongue technique, until they finally just finish, and send me on my way. I have to admit, ...

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that started a huge protest but without shouting or talking? They ended up destroying a bunch of property, though...

It was a quiet riot

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A metal music joke - Met a cool dude at a show last night

Him: "Never seen these guys before. What do they sound like?"

Me: "They're blackgaze."

Him: "....What's their race and sexual orientation have to do with their sound?"

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Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?

“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”

“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird

next door.”

What's common between tall people and rock/metal music lovers ?

They both head bang a lot.

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

After years of digging, two gold rush enthusiasts finally found a small amount of the precious metal

It was a miner success

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

A plastic bucket vs. a metal bucket . . .

Pails in comparison

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What did Himmler tell Hitler when they had too many metal ores to use?

Mine fewer.

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

Ninja 1: Hey bud, could you throw me that little metal star?

Ninja 2: Shuriken

Heavy Metal Icon Rob Halford abandoned fame to live as a monk in a Tibetan monastery...

Buddhist Priest.

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

A coin leaves the USSR to go to the USA

Its a metal-defector

Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded.

There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.

I said ether/ore.

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Three families are driving along a mountain road, all collide and die in a wreck of twisted metal and fire. (Long)

All of them end up in a line standing before St. Peter and the pearly gates.

St. Peter motions the first head of the family forward. "What have you done to deserve to get into heaven?"

The man dressed in a business suit said, "My family never wanted for anything and I provided whateve...

A heavy metal fan was diagnosed with coronavirus

He’s down with the sickness

Why do metal detectors always go off when Russian men pass through it even if they’re buck naked?

It’s because of their iron will and golden balls.

Washing Machine Repair

So my washing machine has been broken for a few weeks now. When you'd run it, it would get off balance during the spin cycle, causing it to make loud, metallic thumps and scoot across the laundry room.

I spent last weekend disassembling it to find the problem. I located the faulty part and or...

As a metal worker, I always get blamed for passing gas....

Because whoever smelt it, dealt it.

I came up with this while welding a base for a table.

A man is a millionaire from buying metal rods and reselling them

His friend asks "how do you buy them for so cheap allowing you to make 7 figure salary?"

The man replies "I'm just good at bar gaining"

A detective goes to a metal manufacturing plant...

He is there to investigate the death of a factory owner. The man was an esteemed author and visionary, who unfortunately was crushed to death in his factory. The detective approaches a worker for information.

“What was the product of this facility?”

“The owner loved words, and was obs...

What is a heavy metal musician's favorite dessert?

Ice cream!

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