The 119+ Best Metal Jokes

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I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

I went out in a thunderstorm carrying a metal pipe

What happened next shocked me

In a few minutes, a hypnotist convinced me that I’m a metal with atomic number 82.

Turns out I’m ….easily lead.

Did you hear about that new heavy metal themed sandwich shop?

It's called Pantera Bread

Got a date tonight with a lady who makes metal supports for gates.

There's a lot hinging on this.

What is Jesus Christ's favorite metal band?

Nine Inch Nails

What does a metal frog say?

Rivet.

When people use metal detectors, they’re treasure hunters…

but when _I_ do it, I’m “a thief” and I “need to leave the war memorial.”

Double standards, man. I swear

Why is Metallica the safest band to listen to in an airport?

Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1989.

After years of digging, a gold prospector finally found a small amount of a precious metal

It was a miner success.

What do you call someone who writes Death Metal music?

A Decomposer

Holey metal bowl, batman

For the last time, Robin, it's called a colander

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Just had a Metal Gear Solid shit.

Solid Snake.

I once had 4 blowouts at once, but managed to drive on the metal of my rims from New York to New Jersey. I did pretty good, but the hero of the moment was my car.

It worked tirelessly.

There are two wind turbines in a field...

And one day, one asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" "Well," says the other, "I'm a big metal fan."

What do you call a heavy metal band With financial problems?

Megadebt

I don't always listen to metal, but when I do...

so do the neighbors.

My maize garden thrives when I play nu metal music

Korn

I like my death metal like I like my coffee.

Dark and with lots of Meshuggah.

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My poem about a heavy metal band's best album is being read on British radio

ABCB on ACDC's ace CD on BBC

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

So an IT guy is really bad at his job and decides to quit and start a Nu Metal band.

It was named: System Always Down

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A neo-nazi walks into a bar…

How someone can hit their head multiple times on a metal bar while lying on the ground is a mystery, but that’s what the eyewitnesses are saying.

What happens when you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal.

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An attractive blonde was failing math class...

She approached the professor, distraught, and asked if she could speak with him.

He, of course, was eager to assist.

She then sat down, and started to explain ...

'Professor, when I was 8, my appendix burst and they had to take it out.

I then wrecked my bike and they had...

I went through airport security and the alarm went off

The TSA agent asked if I had any metal on me.

I said hell yeah I do, pulled out a Metallica CD and slammed it on the table.

I was detained and strip searched but it was worth it.

What's the name of the nu-metal band reaching the billboard top 100?

PopKorn.

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There was an opening for an assassin in the CIA

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the ci...

What music do wind turbines like?

They’re big metal fans.

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An oldie but a goodie, for my dad

No, my dad's not dead! But he loves a good joke and this one leapt into my mind 40 years after I first heard it.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender is like hey, we don't allow dogs in here! But this guy is super posh and his dog is absolutely stunning! He says "This is a p...

Did you guys hear about the hippie heavy metal cover band?

They release a song today called, “Enter the sand, *man*.”

A man crashes his car next to a monastery...

The monks help him to fix his car but it'll take at least a day, so he's offered to stay for the night in a good warm bed and with good warm food.

During the night, he can hear strange noises coming from the caves, loud enough to wake him up. He asks the nearby monks what those noises are, bu...

Once I tried to start a metal band...

...but gave up as I couldn't find a good conductor.

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron

Which is ironic.

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As a man and a woman lay on a beach, the man notices someone with a metal detector.

"I wonder if he's found anything," he says to his wife, "I'm gonna to go ask him."

"C'mon honey, leave the loser alone."

But he was already up and walking over. "Found anything?" the man calls out.

"Oh yes," says the detectorist. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a ring. "I ...

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My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

What's the one note a black metal band will never play?

Gsus.

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What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

The bin out the back of the breast cancer clinic.

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together.

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

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Which famous wrestler went into the scrap metal business?

Macho man Randy Salvage

3 blonde women walk out of a building.

When they reach their car they realize that they forgot the keys in the car.

The first one said:"I'll go see if anyone has a metal coat hanger to pick the lock".

The second one objected: "If you do that people will think we are stealing the car".

The third one exclaimed:"Hurry u...

A magnet walks into an elemental singles bar and tries a pickup line on a pretty slab of metal.

"Is your name *Beryllium*? 'Cause you can alka-***lie*** next to *my* earth metal!"

The slab of ***lead*** says "Nah. You don't *attract* me."

Ba dum TSS!

What do you call a metallic Russian chamber pot?

Vladimir Poo-tin.

What’s the difference between venom and poison?

One is black metal, the other glam…

I went metal detecting in Germany hoping to find an old coin.

I missed the mark though.

in the 1980s they blamed heavy metal music for violent youth.

Now it's 2022 and their still blaming the doors.

Can't decide if I want to steal some bikes or visit a heavy metal legend..

Either way I'm going to rob Halfords

How do metal heads drink their coffee?

With Meshuggah.

Ever seen a blacksmith join two metal sheets?

It's riveting

People like to share their musical taste with their neighbors these quarantine days. My neighbor has been listening to death metal the entire day at full volume.

Whether he likes it or not.

Why does windmills like heavy metal?

Because they are a huge metal fan

What’s a policeman’s favourite metal?

Copper

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

I found a Land Rover whilst metal detecting today

It was a lovely discovery

I bought a book today about how to attach permanent metal fasteners.

It’s riveting.

Which type of metal do you need to be careful of?

Stainless Steel. Because they are SUS.

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In the next few months, Jeff Bezos plans to go into space. There he will be forced to stay inside a small metal room and piss in a tube.

I guess he is just trying to relate to his employees.

I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.

It was a *huge* ore chasm.

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?

Sparky

Which metal do we need the soonest?

Silver, it's *argent*

I saw a movie where a guy tried to shoot open a lock, but the heat from the bullet actually fused the metal together so the door wouldn't budge.

Now that's what I call a shotgun welding.

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year-long expedition and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help. The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle. "Why doesn't that just defeat the w...

As a metallurgist, I find it a lot easier to work with metal than people.

When I hit metal, it does what I want.

What Nu Metal band do sad adults listen to?

LinkedIn Park.

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In 1944, Germany was losing WWII and was desperate for money. Nazi party officials secretely visited Switzerland bankers and offered to trade an entire division of Panzers in exchange for precious metals.

Tanks for the gold!

What is the sub-genre of metal preferred by most tuna fish?

Alba-core.

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An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise

when he sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. “Hey boy, what do you have there?”

“Chicken wire.”

“What you gonna do with that?”

“Gonna catch some chickens.”

“You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” says...

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Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.

It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.

How did the metal beam break?

Shear force.

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If you’ve never seen a weathervane on the roof of a barn, it’s a device designed to tell the farmer the wind direction.

And very often, the top of it is a metal rooster (or a cock, if you prefer).

And do you know why they put a cock on a weathervane?

Because if they put a cunt up there, the wind would blow right through it.

*thanks to George Carlin*

I was supposed to pay $500 for a single chunk of metal

what a steel....

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What do pornography and Heavy Metal have in common?

There was a lot more hair in the 1970’s and 1980’s.

I just started a new job I'm metal grinding

Not sure if I love it or not, but sparks sure are flying

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys ...

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

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Little Johnnie Strikes Again

A new grade school teacher was trying to get acquainted with her class, by asking them what their parents did. She started with Billy, who said that his mother was a doctor.

"Very good, Billy," the teacher said. "Mary, I believe you're next."

Mary stood and said, "My daddy's a lawyer...

Two people walk onto a stage, both holding metal tubes. One sings and the other raps. How do you tell which is which before they start performing?

Easy: The singer’s got pipes, and the rapper’s got bars.

What do you call a metal basketball player?

LeBronze

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A Redditor accidentally trips and sets off an explosion in a precious metal mine. What’s the first thing they say?

Holy crap this blew up!

Uhhh thanks for the gold stranger!

Why dont peple fish for non metals?

Because it is very boron

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

What's the most important part of a heavy metal band?

The lead singer.

A man walks into a bar and is immediately knocked out

It’s a metal bar

The special ed students made a metal band.

It’s called Syndrome of a Down.

What two secret organizations rule the world through control of important metallic elements?

The Aluminati and the Tinplars.

I just saw a theater performance called "The Woodpecker and the Metal Pole"

The performance was impeccable!

Somali Pirates Can't Find Hidden Treasure Buried in 2007

A bunch of Somali pirates lost their hidden treasure. They last saw their hidden treasure in 2007. They tried everything, bloodhounds, radar, metal detectors, sonar. But they couldn't find their treasure.

One day, one of the pirates had a suggestion.

"Captain, we should break R ...

What's a Pixar editors favorite metal song?

Down with the Thiccness.

What do you call a metal head who’s into banging fat chicks?

Down with the Thiccness

I tossed and turned as I heard metallic sounds coming from the next bedroom.

It was a restless knight.

What is the hardest metal on your body?

Tongueskin.

I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

What's the difference between metal breakdown and what I go through everyday?

The letter N

The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves.

Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket.

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A group of aging Rockstars are hanging out and comparing who has received the most impressive gift…

They are in Roger Daltrey’s house and he is showing off an exquisite pinball machine.
“This Custom Tommy Pinball Machine was given to me by the Prime Minister of Sweden. He loved Tommy so much he had it specially made. The balls and all the metal fixtures are made of real Sterling Silver!”
<...

I want to make a lord of the rings themed metal band called

Nightmare on helms deep

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.

**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled

**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

What do you call a group of blacksmiths?

The metalclergy.

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:

-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!

The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,

-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

A plastic bucket vs. a metal bucket . . .

Pails in comparison

I once told the family I like heavy metal

I got an iron anvil. Best gift ever.

How do frogs fasten sheet metal?

Ribbets

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

Do you really enjoy joining pieces of sheet metal together all day long?

Yes, it's riveting.

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I went to the Worst Strip Club in Texas

There was only one other person there, a 80-something year old woman with flabby tits and makeup so thick it caked up around her eyes. She was sitting on the edge of the stage, smoking a rolled up cigarette between her dentures with her prosthetic metal hook hand.

When she saw me, she stood u...

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An Amish kid has a medical issue...

An Amish kid has a medical issue that necessitates a hospital visit in the big city. The family travels to the big city for the very first time, and the mother heads to the check-in desk at the hospital.

Meantime the father and son see a metal door on a wall. An elderly woman on crutches push...

Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded.

There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

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Why do metal heads love blowjobs so much?

‘Cause that’s when they headbang.

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What did Himmler tell Hitler when they had too many metal ores to use?

Mine fewer.

Ninja 1: Hey bud, could you throw me that little metal star?

Ninja 2: Shuriken

Heavy Metal Icon Rob Halford abandoned fame to live as a monk in a Tibetan monastery...

Buddhist Priest.

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.

I said ether/ore.

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