What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?

You become Megadeaf

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What do porn and heavy metal have in common?

Both used to have a lot more hair back in the 70's and 80's

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys ...

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

People like to share their musical taste with their neighbors these quarantine days. My neighbor has been listening to death metal the entire day at full volume.

Whether he likes it or not.

What's the most important part of a heavy metal band?

The lead singer.

I like my death metal like I like my coffee.

Dark and with lots of Meshuggah.

Ninja 1: Hey bud, could you throw me that little metal star?

Ninja 2: Shuriken

I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.

It was a *huge* ore chasm.

What is a heavy metal musician's favorite dessert?

Ice cream!

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

What do you call a metal head who’s into banging fat chicks?

Down with the Thiccness

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My girlfriend is a metal fan

The last time when we had sex, she got turned on and chopped my dick off

When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them.

Call that a defense magnesium

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

How efficient is shipping goods in a large metal container?

Semi

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What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

I don't tell jokes about metal

They're too ironic

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Three families are driving along a mountain road, all collide and die in a wreck of twisted metal and fire. (Long)

All of them end up in a line standing before St. Peter and the pearly gates.

St. Peter motions the first head of the family forward. "What have you done to deserve to get into heaven?"

The man dressed in a business suit said, "My family never wanted for anything and I provided whateve...

My friend says I don't understand the meaning of "irony"

Despite the fact I keep telling him it's "metallic"

I'm in a Medieval-themed metal band

We're called "Bards of Prey."

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What do metal heads do when they masturbate?

They slipnut

What is Santa’s favorite metal band?

Sleigh-er.

What you say when a heavy metal artist die?

Rust in peace

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Job Opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two
men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follo...

Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded.

There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

What did the Janitor call his safety warning inspired metal band?

Slip not.

A detective goes to a metal manufacturing plant...

He is there to investigate the death of a factory owner. The man was an esteemed author and visionary, who unfortunately was crushed to death in his factory. The detective approaches a worker for information.

“What was the product of this facility?”

“The owner loved words, and was obs...

Heavy Metal Icon Rob Halford abandoned fame to live as a monk in a Tibetan monastery...

Buddhist Priest.

It took me quite a while to iron out this joke

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. Hi...

Two wind turbines were talking

One asked the other, "What's your favorite kind of music? "

The other replied, "Well I'm a big Metal Fan"

A plastic bucket vs. a metal bucket . . .

Pails in comparison

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite metal band?

*Suicide Silence*

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A pregnant woman was walking past the bank one day when she heard three gun shots...

The woman awoke to the sound of small voice cooing as she slowly tried to grasp her surroundings. As she awoke, laying in a hospital bed, in pain and confusion, the doctor explained that she was caught in the crossfire of an active bank robbery and was shot in the stomach 3 times. Miraculously, the...

A man is a millionaire from buying metal rods and reselling them

His friend asks "how do you buy them for so cheap allowing you to make 7 figure salary?"

The man replies "I'm just good at bar gaining"

A weird little German kid just handed me a bunch of yellow metal

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder

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My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal.

Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.

As a metal worker, I always get blamed for passing gas....

Because whoever smelt it, dealt it.

I came up with this while welding a base for a table.

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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.

Riveting stuff.

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.

I said ether/ore.

Why do shovels hate digging up metal?

Because of the irony
I guess you couldn’t handle the joke
I’m gonna dig up some more
I’ll spade you of any more puns
If you couldn’t handle that you’re a tool
This is comedy gold!
Please don’t steel the joke
I’m probably just digging my own grave with this joke

I played bass on the original Scooby Doo theme song in 1969, then joined Metallica. AMA!

Fine, I didn’t actually play the bass on the Scooby Doo theme song, or in any band, but I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you metaling kids!

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What did Himmler tell Hitler when they had too many metal ores to use?

Mine fewer.

I'm thinking of creating a new heavy metal band.

Osmium should do it.

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde entered into a high-stakes TV culinary contest of the ages...

After the three women finished their cooking procedures, they individually lined up behind the curtain of the main stage and each rolled out a cart with their respective dish. To elaborate, three judges would be grading these women on their cooking capabilities.

When the time came for the pre...

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

She kept her promise!

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me...

Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?

Because it has rust issues!

There was two windmills in a field

One asked the other “What type of music do you like?”

The other replied “Well I’m a big metal fan”

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

I tried to impress a girl recently by putting the pedal to the metal

Turns out she had seen a bin open that way before

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

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I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

Karen walks into a heavy metal bar...

"Ow" Karen exclaimed,"that hurt"

My bank just released a card that rewards me with precious metals like gold and silver when I spend money!

They’re calling it the Creddit Card.

I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics.

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids.

What do you get when you mix multiple metals and a reptile

An alloy-gator

I thought I saw a sheet of metal working out

It was just a curling iron

What kind of security do they hire for metal concerts?

Coppers

I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

I don’t think wind turbines like classical music.

I hear they’re big metal fans, though.

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that also makes Christmas music?

They're called sleigh-er

Where does wire wool come from?

Sheep metal (my apologies)

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Gus the Accountant

Gus has been doing accountancy for like 35 years and he's sick of it.

So Gus decides he wants some adventure in his life, so he's going to become a prospector.

Everyday he studies geology, he learns how to drive a big truck and operate an excavator and he starts selling up everything h...

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An old joke popular with engineers and other neckbeards

A man dies and surprise! he finds himself in the sky and surrounded by clouds and in front of an old man who asks, ”Heaven or Hell?”

Guy goes, "what kind of question is that?" and the old man sighs and goes, “oh another one. Well allow me to show you and then you can make your decision ...

Ever wondered why there's no metal-made toilets?

Ask George R.R. Martin.

I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic.

But thankfully I’m cured.

I’m ex-static!

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

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Two rednecks are at work, digging a trench

Two rednecks, Billy and Bob, are at work digging a trench. The sun is beating down on them, sweat is dripping off their faces, and their hands are blistered from the shovels.

After slogging away at this for days, they start to grumble at the misery of their lot. Eventually Billy says to Bob,...

I have a friend who's partially made of metal

Guess you can call him my alloy

I just watched the World Heavy Metal Knitting Championship in Finland.

It was pretty knots!

[NSFW] A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

After handing his the keys, the sales man hands him a jar of Vaseline and says “if you want to keep the fender looking shiny you will want to rub some Vaseline on the fenders before it rains. It’...

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

Two metal heads don't marry

They weld

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Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.

Chuckling to Himself abou...

What language do metallic fruits periodically speak?

Manganese.

Plastic. Metal. Big red. Ice. Ash. Industrial.

My bucket list.

Saw a group of Sikh men jamming out to heavy metal the other day

They were definitely Down With The Sikhness

What do a metal roof and a woman have in common?

If you don't screw enough she'll wind up at the neighbor's

There used to be big 5 of thrash metal!

One was Suicidal.

What do you call when a metal shares the negative energy to his non-metal bestfriend?

an ionic bonding moment

What do you call a very well mannered metal guitarist?

A Djentleman

You know, I stole some metal the other day.

I told a good friend of mine, Pewter, and he said 'That's worth a Nickel or two, how'd you get it?'

I told him I stole it and he said 'Well that's ironic, becuase it's steel!'

'

I walked into a shop and asked for contraception. The store clerk gave me a huge metal disk instead...

"I'm sorry, but I think there's been a misunderstanding" I said.

The clerk replied "I thought you asked for a condom?"

I nodded

The clerk responds "That's why I gave you a man hole cover"

A man comes home after a long day at work...

He walks up to his bedroom and noticed next to the feet of his wife under the sheets, there are another pair of legs.

Out of anger he picks up his metal bat and viciously murders his wife and her lover.

As he was fleeing the scene, he found his wife sleeping on the couch.

She go...

What's The One Ring made of?

Preciousssss metals

A captain in the navy is assigned a new post on a submarine.

As he explores his new vessel, he notices that almost everything is falling apart with varying degrees of rust.

He decides to check the hull, and sees plates of metal with varying dates, some of which seem to come from before world war 2.

He decides to ask someone in his crew if they k...

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

Metal medal

There was once an extremely handsome, gorgeous doctor Jones. Apart from his good looks he was extremely skilled. One day, he was the only doctor in the hospital, and yet he still managed to tend to and medicate every single patient who needed his help! The community decided to recognize his achievem...

What do you get when you cross nu metal with professional networking?

LinkedIn Park

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down next to a guy with a peg leg, a metal hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.

He orders a beer, looks at the guy next to him, and asks "What are you supposed to be, a pirate?"

"Yarr, I am" replies the pirate.

"You must have some crazy stories about your leg, your hand, an...

I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

I read this really intense book about a metal contraption that clips off parts of the body...

It was truly a nailbiter.

Imagine you're a slug of metal rolling down a conveyor belt. A massive die drops on you and you're stamped into a shiny, perfect coin...

Are you moved and impressed?

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