What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?

You become Megadeaf

Two windmills are in a field.

One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?"

The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"

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What do porn and heavy metal have in common?

Both used to have a lot more hair back in the 70's and 80's

If you ever wonder what kind of music windmills like

I can guarantee you that they are huge metal fans

Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?

Because it has rust issues!

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

I found an enormous ravine filled with so many precious metals, I climaxed.

It was a huge ore chasm.

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics.

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids.

Plastic. Metal. Big red. Ice. Ash. Industrial.

My bucket list.

What do you call a bird that sits atop a tall metal tower

A crane

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A Russian metal worker named Yetzel lives in the countryside.

Every day he does back-breaking work at a factory, pounding metal slabs and preparing them to be sold. He make 2 rubles a month, and goes through many hardships daily, what with barely having enough money to feed his 29 children and provide clothes for them all.

One day, Yetzel goes to the re...

What you say when a heavy metal artist die?

Rust in peace

What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

[Political] What's a pro-choicer's favorite metal band?

Dying Fetus

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What did Himmler tell Hitler when they had too many metal ores to use?

Mine fewer.

What kind of security do they hire for metal concerts?

Coppers

What do a metal roof and a woman have in common?

If you don't screw enough she'll wind up at the neighbor's

What do you call a baby metal band?

Ultrasound

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

I have a friend who's partially made of metal

Guess you can call him my alloy

What did the Blacksmith say to his apprentice after hammering down the metal bar

"That's upsetting"

A hypnotist once convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82

I’m easily lead

I just watched the World Heavy Metal Knitting Championship in Finland.

It was pretty knots!

Two metal heads don't marry

They weld

Why do shovels hate digging up metal?

Because of the irony

Sorry I guess you couldn’t handle the joke

I’m gonna dig up some more

I’ll spade you of any more puns

If you couldn’t sit through that you’re a tool

(Please don’t steel this joke it took me a long time to come up with it (credit to u/ImToastedB...

What do you get when you mix multiple metals and a reptile

An alloy-gator

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

Karen walks into a heavy metal bar...

"Ow" Karen exclaimed,"that hurt"

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that also makes Christmas music?

They're called sleigh-er

Ever wondered why there's no metal-made toilets?

Ask George R.R. Martin.

What do you get when you cross nu metal with professional networking?

LinkedIn Park

Saw a group of Sikh men jamming out to heavy metal the other day

They were definitely Down With The Sikhness

I walked into a shop and asked for contraception. The store clerk gave me a huge metal disk instead...

"I'm sorry, but I think there's been a misunderstanding" I said.

The clerk replied "I thought you asked for a condom?"

I nodded

The clerk responds "That's why I gave you a man hole cover"

You know, I stole some metal the other day.

I told a good friend of mine, Pewter, and he said 'That's worth a Nickel or two, how'd you get it?'

I told him I stole it and he said 'Well that's ironic, becuase it's steel!'

'

Metal medal

There was once an extremely handsome, gorgeous doctor Jones. Apart from his good looks he was extremely skilled. One day, he was the only doctor in the hospital, and yet he still managed to tend to and medicate every single patient who needed his help! The community decided to recognize his achievem...

What do you call when a metal shares the negative energy to his non-metal bestfriend?

an ionic bonding moment

Imagine you're a slug of metal rolling down a conveyor belt. A massive die drops on you and you're stamped into a shiny, perfect coin...

Are you moved and impressed?

Heavy metal is a lot like jazz....

It's the lyrics you DON'T hear

#1 Tip for both fastening metal together and streakers:

Pull out your nuts and bolt

I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

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I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

A new heavy metal Christian Rock band has started up.

They're called Nuns 'n' Moses

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A drunk brings home a friend after a night of drinking

Immediately upon entering the friend notices a large metal plate hanging on the wall, with a sledgehammer on the floor underneath it.


"What's that?" he asks the drunk.


"Th-tha's my talking clock!" The drunk stutters. "It's a little vulgar, though."


The friend wants t...

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

What’s a police officer’s favorite metal?

Copper.

I don't always listen to heavy metal, but when I do...

...so do the neighbors.

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

My hearing impaired son has finally come up with a name for his own thrash metal band.

Megadeaf.

A metal roadie gets stopped at the airport...

He was travelling with Anthrax.

I paid $3 for a block of metal yesterday

It was really quite the steel

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circum...

I tired to impress a girl by putting the pedal to the metal

But she'd seen transhcans open like that before

I used to know everything there was to know about metal oxidation...

... but now I’m a bit rusty

As a true metal head, I like my coffee like I like my metal...

Black, with a little Meshuggah.

What do you call someone who writes death metal instrumentals?

A decomposer

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

A metal band comprised of Chernobyl survivors

6 Finger Death Punch

I hate heavy metal.

I was walking down the street and passed these guys talking about heavy metal.

I walked by them and said under my breath, “God I hate heavy metal.”

One of them heard me and yelled back, “why do you gotta hate the best music ever?”

So I said, “because all these ingots in my bag ...

I introduced a miner to some heavy metal.

The Miner really digs the music.

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I started a heavy metal tribute band with guys from my Macroeconomics class

We are Guns & Butter

I grew up in a house with metal floors. It wasn't much fun though...

I was grounded all the time.

Ever heard of that Hebrew metal band?

Guns N' Moses

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

Fullmetal Alchemist is so unrealistic

I mean how can they draw such perfect circles?

What is a criminal's least favourite metal?

The copper.

My father was a commercial miner his whole life, but he only mined silver and gold. On his deathbed, I asked him what his favorite metal to mine was... he said

“Either ore.”

TIL listening to metal music can give you heavy metal poisoning

It's because of the lead singer.

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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal testicles?

Sparky

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[NSFW] [Long] Three men are stranded in the middle of the desert. Each one of them is starving, thirsty, and desperate to get home...

As they trudge through the endless desert, one of them spots a small cottage in the distance with scrap metal and junk all around it. He told the others and they all thought it was just a mirage. But as they drew near the cottage, they learned that it was very real.

They all get excited. C...

What do you tell a metal head who's walking on an icy street?

Slip not.

What would someone in the 13 hundreds say if you told them we fly in giant metal birds all around the world?

You mean across?

What sound does a red metal rod make when it hits a white metal rod?

*PINK!*

Titanium is a most amorous metal...

When it gets hot, it'll combine with anything.

What kind of metal was the Titanic made out of?

Zinc

Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?

I think he just did it for a tin chin.

The cops shot my friend who works with metal...

Just coz he was a black smith..

TIL that the government is selling military equipment for precious metals.

Edit: Tanks for the gold!

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

A hobbyist robot builder attempted to satirize the American public by building a 300 pound hunk of metal that sat in front of the TV all day long.

In the end, he had difficult maintaining it, because it didn't work out.

A captain in the navy is assigned a new post on a submarine.

As he explores his new vessel, he notices that almost everything is falling apart with varying degrees of rust.



He decides to check the hull, and sees plates of metal with varying dates, some of which seem to come from before world war 2.



He decides to ask someone in hi...

A roofer gets to choose how to get onto the roof. He can either use a scissor lift or a series of steps between two metal poles.

He chose the ladder.

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