I went out in a thunderstorm carrying a metal pipe

What happened next shocked me

What's the one note a black metal band will never play?

Gsus.

I like my death metal like I like my coffee.

Dark and with lots of Meshuggah.

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron

Which is ironic.

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year-long expedition and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help. The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle. "Why doesn't that just defeat the w...

How did the metal beam break?

Shear force.

What two secret organizations rule the world through control of important metallic elements?

The Aluminati and the Tinplars.

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Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.



It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.

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In the next few months, Jeff Bezos plans to go into space. There he will be forced to stay inside a small metal room and piss in a tube.

I guess he is just trying to relate to his employees.

Why dont peple fish for non metals?

Because it is very boron

Which metal do we need the soonest?

Silver, it's *argent*

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

What's a Pixar editors favorite metal song?

Down with the Thiccness.

Not all construction work is equally enjoyable.

For instance, drilling a large hole is boring, but fastening two pieces of metal together is riveting.

What do you call a metal basketball player?

LeBronze

I just saw a theater performance called "The Woodpecker and the Metal Pole"

The performance was impeccable!

Two windmills stood on a hill with a radio.

One turned to his friend and asked, “What’s your favourite music?”

The other windmill said, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Did you see the show about metal fasteners?

It was riveting.

A man was walking home one night.

A young man was walking home one night. The street was pitch black. As he passed the gates of a small cemetery, he felt as if he was being followed. Suddenly, he heard a bump behind him. Afraid to look back, he increased his pace.

Bump, bump, bump.

The bumping behind him continued, ge...

I was supposed to pay $500 for a single chunk of metal

what a steel....

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What do pornography and Heavy Metal have in common?

There was a lot more hair in the 1970’s and 1980’s.

People like to share their musical taste with their neighbors these quarantine days. My neighbor has been listening to death metal the entire day at full volume.

Whether he likes it or not.

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I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

What does a metal frog say?

Rivet.

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?

Sparky

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After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assassin position — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for...

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A Redditor accidentally trips and sets off an explosion in a precious metal mine. What’s the first thing they say?

Holy crap this blew up!

Uhhh thanks for the gold stranger!

I want to make a lord of the rings themed metal band called

Nightmare on helms deep

My brother told me to make a bucket list so i did

Bucket List :

1. Plastic Bucket
2. Metal Bucket
3. Mop Bucket

The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves.

Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket.

What a morning..

What a morning...
I was following an ambulance when I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned right the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the curb.
I of course pulled over and snagged the box. When I opened the box there was a human...

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

What do you call a drummer in a heavy metal band who doesn’t have a girlfriend?

Homeless

A man completely blindsided his wife of 2 years, asking her for a divorce.

Although she was shocked and heart-broken, she asked the man *why* he wanted a divorce.

**Man:** Do you remember when we first met?

**Wife:** Yes…

**Man:** Well back then I had awesome long hair, I didn’t have a car but I had a janky motorcycle that I loved, I worked in a Bar,...

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Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

The special ed students made a metal band.

It’s called Syndrome of a Down.

I once told the family I like heavy metal

I got an iron anvil. Best gift ever.

What do you call a Metal Can renting an apartment?

A tinant.

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My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

What is the hardest metal on your body?

Tongueskin.

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A husband and his pregnant wife were sleeping

Suddenly, a robber enters their room and shoots the wife in the stomach 3 times
The husband gets his gun under the bed and shots the robber right in the head
They rush to the hospital where they put his wife on the surgery table, after 30 minutes the doctor comes to the husband and says:
<...

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

Do you really enjoy joining pieces of sheet metal together all day long?

Yes, it's riveting.

What's the difference between metal breakdown and what I go through everyday?

The letter N

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I just saw a truck with one of those metallic pairs of testicles dangling from the back, and I started thinking “OK I see its balls, but where’s its dick?”

“Oh yeah,” I thought, “in the driver’s seat.”

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My cousin was on his first leave since he went to boot camp to become a paratrooper.

We had a big gettogether at my aunt's house. My cousin had always dreamed of being a paratrooper, but there was one big problem: he was deathly afraid of heights. None of us ever thought he would go through with it, so when he came home for a break, we were all dying to know how it went. We gathe...

How do frogs fasten sheet metal?

Ribbets

I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.

It was a *huge* ore chasm.

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Why do metal heads love blowjobs so much?

‘Cause that’s when they headbang.

I tossed and turned as I heard metallic sounds coming from the next bedroom.

It was a restless knight.

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A metal music joke - Met a cool dude at a show last night

Him: "Never seen these guys before. What do they sound like?"

Me: "They're blackgaze."

Him: "....What's their race and sexual orientation have to do with their sound?"

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My girlfriend is a metal fan

The last time when we had sex, she got turned on and chopped my dick off

I don't tell jokes about metal

They're too ironic

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys ...

Pedro gets a New Secretary.

Pedro gets a New Secretary.
He faces a volley of rapid fire questions from his wife, who is always a bit suspicious of her husband’s roving eye.

Dora (Pedro's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?"

Pedro: “Didn’t quite notice."

Dora: "What color are her eyes?"
...

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that started a huge protest but without shouting or talking? They ended up destroying a bunch of property, though...

It was a quiet riot

After years of digging, two gold rush enthusiasts finally found a small amount of the precious metal

It was a miner success

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Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?

“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”

“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird

next door.”

What's common between tall people and rock/metal music lovers ?

They both head bang a lot.

What do you call a metal head who’s into banging fat chicks?

Down with the Thiccness

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What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

The Oblivious Miner

A miner moves out to Colorado. Having spent a few years in California, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dusk 'til dawn in the mines, and then from dawn 'til dusk drinking, playing card games and occasionally have some great night with them lady(or ladies).
...

A man goes to see a doctor about a gas problem he's been having for awhile.

The Doctor's office is in the old market section of town and the man is impressed with the old marble walls, bronze accents and the tall, paned windows with hinged transom windows above them.

The doctor asks, "what's the trouble"?

The man say, "Well, I have this frrrrt gas problem. I ...

A pastor dies and get into heaven



He arrives at the pearly gates. Saint Peter is sitting high atop a chair at a podium greets him. "John H Smith, welcome to Heaven. We have seen your life's work. Here is a key to your mansion with 10 rooms, silver gilded windows & golden walls. 20 angels to help you with your daily lifes...

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

In a protestant church

I saw a large metal contraption with smoke coming from it.
I asked "Is that an organ?"
They said "No, it's a catholic converter."

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My X-ray experience

Just went for an x-ray and the radiologist asked if I had any metal implants.



I replied: nothing much just balls of steel.

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

What's The Tin Man's favorite type of music?

He's a big heavy metal guy.

I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.

Riveting stuff.

A heavy metal fan was diagnosed with coronavirus

He’s down with the sickness

What is a windmill's favorite kind of music?

I've heard they're huge metal fans...

Ninja 1: Hey bud, could you throw me that little metal star?

Ninja 2: Shuriken

What's the most important part of a heavy metal band?

The lead singer.

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

Why do metal detectors always go off when Russian men pass through it even if they’re buck naked?

It’s because of their iron will and golden balls.

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into th...

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Three families are driving along a mountain road, all collide and die in a wreck of twisted metal and fire. (Long)

All of them end up in a line standing before St. Peter and the pearly gates.

St. Peter motions the first head of the family forward. "What have you done to deserve to get into heaven?"

The man dressed in a business suit said, "My family never wanted for anything and I provided whateve...

Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded.

There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

What did the Janitor call his safety warning inspired metal band?

Slip not.

What is a heavy metal musician's favorite dessert?

Ice cream!

Heavy Metal Icon Rob Halford abandoned fame to live as a monk in a Tibetan monastery...

Buddhist Priest.

A detective goes to a metal manufacturing plant...

He is there to investigate the death of a factory owner. The man was an esteemed author and visionary, who unfortunately was crushed to death in his factory. The detective approaches a worker for information.

“What was the product of this facility?”

“The owner loved words, and was obs...

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A woman was having sex in an apartment on the 20th floor with another Man

As She heard her Husband coming... She told her Lover to stay like a Robot and not to move...

Husband :
What is this???

Wife :
This is a Robot...
I bought it to have Sex with when you are travelling...

Husband :
Okay darling in that case let's have Sex now......

Remember when Smeagol choked his own cousin to death to get at the One Ring?

Yeah, it was pretty metal.

A person is driving on a road, his radio blasting 'Children of the Grave' at max volume.

What is the last thing that goes through his head while he crashes into oncoming traffic at 80 miles per hour?




Heavy metal.

A man spots an empty beach as he frantically searches for a place to land his plane.

He's run out fuel but he is a skilled enough pilot to guide his aircraft down and gracefully crash into the sand. He comes in at a small angle and exits his vehicle without a scratch on him.

"Damn it, what could have gone wrong?" He ponders for a short while before he starts assessing the da...

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are called to investigate a murder at a quarry one day...

When they arrive at the scene of the crime, it's already been taped off and other investigators are there. Holmes and Watson push their way to the front as they typically do and start going to work.

"Holmes, look at this, what is it?" Watson asked.

"Why that's the butt end of a cigar o...

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

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A man walks into a bar.

He walks up to a bartender and tells her he is a recovering alcoholic and needs a beer as soon as possible.

Bartender: Are you really in recovery? Because you just ordered a beer, friend.

Man: Of course I'm recovering. I just walked into a metal fucking bar.

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.

I said ether/ore.

When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them.

Call that a defense magnesium

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What did Himmler tell Hitler when they had too many metal ores to use?

Mine fewer.

I'm in a Medieval-themed metal band

We're called "Bards of Prey."

What is Santa’s favorite metal band?

Sleigh-er.

I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics.

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids.

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

As a metal worker, I always get blamed for passing gas....

Because whoever smelt it, dealt it.

I came up with this while welding a base for a table.

A man is a millionaire from buying metal rods and reselling them

His friend asks "how do you buy them for so cheap allowing you to make 7 figure salary?"

The man replies "I'm just good at bar gaining"

My American Clock

A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard and is able to buy for his very first home, a condominium apartment. So he throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks...

A navy officer on a submarine was doing his rounds and noticed something odd...

There was what looked like a frying pan handle sticking out of the floor of the sub! The officer did some more looking around, and saw more strange things sticking out of the floor: golf clubs, clothes irons, car bumpers, and even half a bicycle!

Alarmed by this, he went up to the sub command...

Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal.

Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.

Just made up a 100-year-old joke:

What do you call a metal dog?

>!Rin Tin Tin!<

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Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news.

"Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first."
"We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play."
"That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!"
"You balls are 3 inches from the pin."

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite metal band?

*Suicide Silence*

Karen walks into a heavy metal bar...

"Ow" Karen exclaimed,"that hurt"

Yesterday I called my engineer friend and asked him what he was up to

He said, “I’m working on a hydrothermic treatment of porcelain, glass and metals in an environment under controlled pressure.”

His response impressed me but I had no idea what he was talking about and so I asked him to elaborate.

He answered, “I’m doing the dishes and my wife is super...

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

I'm thinking of creating a new heavy metal band.

Osmium should do it.

Ever wondered why there's no metal-made toilets?

Ask George R.R. Martin.

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

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