What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?

You become Megadeaf

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What do porn and heavy metal have in common?

Both used to have a lot more hair back in the 70's and 80's

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A Russian metal worker named Yetzel lives in the countryside.

Every day he does back-breaking work at a factory, pounding metal slabs and preparing them to be sold. He make 2 rubles a month, and goes through many hardships daily, what with barely having enough money to feed his 29 children and provide clothes for them all.

One day, Yetzel goes to the re...

What you say when a heavy metal artist die?

Rust in peace

I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics.

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids.

Ever wondered why there's no metal-made toilets?

Ask George R.R. Martin.

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

What did the Blacksmith say to his apprentice after hammering down the metal bar

"That's upsetting"

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

I walked into a shop and asked for contraception. The store clerk gave me a huge metal disk instead...

"I'm sorry, but I think there's been a misunderstanding" I said.

The clerk replied "I thought you asked for a condom?"

I nodded

The clerk responds "That's why I gave you a man hole cover"

What do a metal roof and a woman have in common?

If you don't screw enough she'll wind up at the neighbor's

Two metal heads don't marry

They weld

A hypnotist once convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82

I’m easily lead

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

Karen walks into a heavy metal bar...

"Ow" Karen exclaimed,"that hurt"

I have a friend who's partially made of metal

Guess you can call him my alloy

What do you get when you mix multiple metals and a reptile

An alloy-gator

Saw a group of Sikh men jamming out to heavy metal the other day

They were definitely Down With The Sikhness

What is a cows favorite heavy metal band?

Moo-tallica

Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm. One of them turns to ask the other, "What kind of music are you into?"

The other replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

What do you call when a metal shares the negative energy to his non-metal bestfriend?

an ionic bonding moment

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What do you get when you cross a metal concert and oral sex?

A whole lotta headbanging

Imagine you're a slug of metal rolling down a conveyor belt. A massive die drops on you and you're stamped into a shiny, perfect coin...

Are you moved and impressed?

There used to be big 5 of thrash metal!

One was Suicidal.

I just watched the World Heavy Metal Knitting Championship in Finland.

It was pretty knots!

Why do shovels hate digging up metal?

Because of the irony

Sorry I guess you couldn’t handle the joke

I’m gonna dig up some more

I’ll spade you of any more puns

If you couldn’t sit through that you’re a tool

(Please don’t steel this joke it took me a long time to come up with it)

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that also makes Christmas music?

They're called sleigh-er

Metal medal

There was once an extremely handsome, gorgeous doctor Jones. Apart from his good looks he was extremely skilled. One day, he was the only doctor in the hospital, and yet he still managed to tend to and medicate every single patient who needed his help! The community decided to recognize his achievem...

I read this really intense book about a metal contraption that clips off parts of the body...

It was truly a nailbiter.

I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

What do you call a baby metal band?

Ultrasound

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

A new heavy metal Christian Rock band has started up.

They're called Nuns 'n' Moses

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A drunk brings home a friend after a night of drinking

Immediately upon entering the friend notices a large metal plate hanging on the wall, with a sledgehammer on the floor underneath it.


"What's that?" he asks the drunk.


"Th-tha's my talking clock!" The drunk stutters. "It's a little vulgar, though."


The friend wants t...

What do you get when you cross nu metal with professional networking?

LinkedIn Park

What’s a police officer’s favorite metal?

Copper.

#1 Tip for both fastening metal together and streakers:

Pull out your nuts and bolt

I tired to impress a girl by putting the pedal to the metal

But she'd seen transhcans open like that before

My hearing impaired son has finally come up with a name for his own thrash metal band.

Megadeaf.

Heavy metal is a lot like jazz....

It's the lyrics you DON'T hear

I hate heavy metal.

I was walking down the street and passed these guys talking about heavy metal.

I walked by them and said under my breath, “God I hate heavy metal.”

One of them heard me and yelled back, “why do you gotta hate the best music ever?”

So I said, “because all these ingots in my bag ...

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

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What is a homosexual's favorite Metal Gear Solid game?

Snake Eater.

I paid $3 for a block of metal yesterday

It was really quite the steel

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

What do you call someone who writes death metal instrumentals?

A decomposer

Fullmetal Alchemist is so unrealistic

I mean how can they draw such perfect circles?

I introduced a miner to some heavy metal.

The Miner really digs the music.

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I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

I used to know everything there was to know about metal oxidation...

... but now I’m a bit rusty

A metal band comprised of Chernobyl survivors

6 Finger Death Punch

I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

My father was a commercial miner his whole life, but he only mined silver and gold. On his deathbed, I asked him what his favorite metal to mine was... he said

“Either ore.”

OJ Simpson has a new death metal band called:

Black Stabbeth

I grew up in a house with metal floors. It wasn't much fun though...

I was grounded all the time.

As a true metal head, I like my coffee like I like my metal...

Black, with a little Meshuggah.

I don't always listen to heavy metal, but when I do...

...so do the neighbors.

TIL listening to metal music can give you heavy metal poisoning

It's because of the lead singer.

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The FBI had an open position for an assassin

**The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you wil...

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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal testicles?

Sparky

Ever heard of that Hebrew metal band?

Guns N' Moses

What is a criminal's least favourite metal?

The copper.

Germany owed a massive debt to France after the treaty of Versailles

One day, Germany couldn't afford to pay the weekly payment to France. So France gathered a band of soldiers and rode into a small town in Rhineland on trucks, hoping to find anything valuable as reparation. After inspecting the town for a brief moment, they took its tram tracks and street lamps back...

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

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I started a heavy metal tribute band with guys from my Macroeconomics class

We are Guns & Butter

The pope is travelling through Canada...

...watching the wonderful landscape flying by as his chauffeur drives him across the seemingly endless roads through the wilderness.
Eventually though, he grows bored and asks his chauffeur if he can drive for a bit.
"Listen", the pope says, "I'll drive for an hour, nobody will see. You can ...

The cops shot my friend who works with metal...

Just coz he was a black smith..

So, there was a horse who saw a metal music video...

So, there was a horse who saw a m**e**tal music video, and he thought the guitarist looked really cool.

He said to himself "I want to do that!" and went to the phone book right away. He found som**e**body advertising electric guitar lessons and called the number.

"Hello, I'd like to l...

Ever hear about the guy who ate metal ingots at a pub?

He had bar stools.

Any guy who plays heavy metal at work…

Is office rocker...

Why did the anti vax mom not take her teenage son to a concert?

She was afraid of the heavy metal.

A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

What sound does a red metal rod make when it hits a white metal rod?

*PINK!*

Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?

I think he just did it for a tin chin.

What kind of metal was the Titanic made out of?

Zinc

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So my mate was welding the other day

While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.

Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.

Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.

After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creep...

What would someone in the 13 hundreds say if you told them we fly in giant metal birds all around the world?

You mean across?

Titanium is a most amorous metal...

When it gets hot, it'll combine with anything.

A man walks into a bar with a little sliver of metal on his tie...

The barman says "sorry, we don't want your tie-pin here"

A man walks into a doctor's clinic and says, “I think I'm going rusty.”

The doctor takes a look and replies, “It seems you've developed a common metal disorder.”

A guy walks into a bar

“Ouch,” he says, because it was a heavy metal bar, and his ears are accustomed to jazz.

TIL that the government is selling military equipment for precious metals.

Edit: Tanks for the gold!

What happens whan you eat tin foil?

You sheet metal

What do you tell a metal head who's walking on an icy street?

Slip not.

A roofer gets to choose how to get onto the roof. He can either use a scissor lift or a series of steps between two metal poles.

He chose the ladder.

A hobbyist robot builder attempted to satirize the American public by building a 300 pound hunk of metal that sat in front of the TV all day long.

In the end, he had difficult maintaining it, because it didn't work out.

Lot's of people know about Will Smith and rap, but did you know he's good with metal too?

Because he's a black Smith.

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Tiger tank

WW2 is raging and 3 Jews are walking along a road and they see a German tiger tank in the middle of the road.
One of them says " Let's push this tank to our village and sell it for scrap metal"
So they start to push the tank along the road and after 30 minutes one of them falls to the ground ...

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

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What do you call a laptop that ejaculates metal?

Computer

A man lived for ten years eating only tiny pieces of metal

It was his staple diet