What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?

You become Megadeaf

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do porn and heavy metal have in common?

Both used to have a lot more hair back in the 70's and 80's

Last week a hypnotist convinced me I am a light malleable metal with an atomic number of 82

I'm easily lead.

Two metal heads don't marry

They weld

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

What do you get when you mix multiple metals and a reptile

An alloy-gator

I have a friend who's partially made of metal

Guess you can call him my alloy

Why do shovels hate digging up metal?

Because of the irony

Sorry I guess you couldn’t handle the joke

I’m gonna dig up some more

I’ll spade you of any more puns

If you couldn’t sit through that you’re a tool

(Please don’t steel this joke it took me a long time to come up with it)

What do you call when a metal shares the negative energy to his non-metal bestfriend?

an ionic bonding moment

Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm. One of them turns to ask the other, "What kind of music are you into?"

The other replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

Saw a group of Sikh men jamming out to heavy metal the other day

They were definitely Down With The Sikhness

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a metal concert and oral sex?

A whole lotta headbanging

What is Santa's favorite metal band?

Sleigher

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that also makes Christmas music?

They're called sleigh-er

I just watched the World Heavy Metal Knitting Championship in Finland.

It was pretty knots!

What do you call a very well mannered metal guitarist?

A Djentleman

Metal medal

There was once an extremely handsome, gorgeous doctor Jones. Apart from his good looks he was extremely skilled. One day, he was the only doctor in the hospital, and yet he still managed to tend to and medicate every single patient who needed his help! The community decided to recognize his achievem...

Imagine you're a slug of metal rolling down a conveyor belt. A massive die drops on you and you're stamped into a shiny, perfect coin...

Are you moved and impressed?

What do you get when you cross nu metal with professional networking?

LinkedIn Park

I read this really intense book about a metal contraption that clips off parts of the body...

It was truly a nailbiter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk brings home a friend after a night of drinking

Immediately upon entering the friend notices a large metal plate hanging on the wall, with a sledgehammer on the floor underneath it.


"What's that?" he asks the drunk.


"Th-tha's my talking clock!" The drunk stutters. "It's a little vulgar, though."


The friend wants t...

I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

A metal roadie gets stopped at the airport...

He was travelling with Anthrax.

What does a metal frog say?

Rivot rivot

#1 Tip for both fastening metal together and streakers:

Pull out your nuts and bolt

What’s a police officer’s favorite metal?

Copper.

What do you call a baby metal band?

Ultrasound

I tired to impress a girl by putting the pedal to the metal

But she'd seen transhcans open like that before

A new heavy metal Christian Rock band has started up.

They're called Nuns 'n' Moses

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why was a piece of scrap metal liked by everyone?

Because it was ex-scythe-thing.

I hate heavy metal.

I was walking down the street and passed these guys talking about heavy metal.

I walked by them and said under my breath, “God I hate heavy metal.”

One of them heard me and yelled back, “why do you gotta hate the best music ever?”

So I said, “because all these ingots in my bag ...

Why was a member kicked from the metal band?

He would always steel everyone’s equipment

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

I paid $3 for a block of metal yesterday

It was really quite the steel

My hearing impaired son has finally come up with a name for his own thrash metal band.

Megadeaf.

What do you call someone who writes death metal instrumentals?

A decomposer

Fullmetal Alchemist is so unrealistic

I mean how can they draw such perfect circles?

I introduced a miner to some heavy metal.

The Miner really digs the music.

I used to know everything there was to know about metal oxidation...

... but now I’m a bit rusty

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

As a true metal head, I like my coffee like I like my metal...

Black, with a little Meshuggah.

OJ Simpson has a new death metal band called:

Black Stabbeth

My father was a commercial miner his whole life, but he only mined silver and gold. On his deathbed, I asked him what his favorite metal to mine was... he said

“Either ore.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The FBI had an open position for an assassin

**The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you wil...

A metal band comprised of Chernobyl survivors

6 Finger Death Punch

I grew up in a house with metal floors. It wasn't much fun though...

I was grounded all the time.

I don't always listen to heavy metal, but when I do...

...so do the neighbors.

Ever hear about the guy who ate metal ingots at a pub?

He had bar stools.

TIL listening to metal music can give you heavy metal poisoning

It's because of the lead singer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal testicles?

Sparky

Ever heard of that Hebrew metal band?

Guns N' Moses

What do you call when two metals get married?

A welding.

A man walks into a bar with a little sliver of metal on his tie...

The barman says "sorry, we don't want your tie-pin here"

The cops shot my friend who works with metal...

Just coz he was a black smith..

So, there was a horse who saw a metal music video...

So, there was a horse who saw a m**e**tal music video, and he thought the guitarist looked really cool.

He said to himself "I want to do that!" and went to the phone book right away. He found som**e**body advertising electric guitar lessons and called the number.

"Hello, I'd like to l...

What sound does a red metal rod make when it hits a white metal rod?

*PINK!*

What kind of metal can stop any car?

A Copper

What kind of metal was the Titanic made out of?

Zinc

What is a criminal's least favourite metal?

The copper.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I started a heavy metal tribute band with guys from my Macroeconomics class

We are Guns & Butter

What would someone in the 13 hundreds say if you told them we fly in giant metal birds all around the world?

You mean across?

TIL that the government is selling military equipment for precious metals.

Edit: Tanks for the gold!

A hobbyist robot builder attempted to satirize the American public by building a 300 pound hunk of metal that sat in front of the TV all day long.

In the end, he had difficult maintaining it, because it didn't work out.

A snail is going somewhere...

...one day, when he comes upon a shiny metal object in his path. Undeterred, he climbs on it and goes on, when suddenly the object shakes and a blue being comes out of the smoke and proclaims, "I am the genie of this lamp, snail, and you have rubbed it by going across it. However, since your "rubbin...

A roofer gets to choose how to get onto the roof. He can either use a scissor lift or a series of steps between two metal poles.

He chose the ladder.

What do you tell a metal head who's walking on an icy street?

Slip not.

Why didn't the other metals want to hang out with the hard steel?

Because of his hot temper

Titanium is a most amorous metal...

When it gets hot, it'll combine with anything.

What do you call a metal detective?

Magnesium PI

Lot's of people know about Will Smith and rap, but did you know he's good with metal too?

Because he's a black Smith.

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

Notre Dame joke: A priest advertises a job to ring the bell at Notre Dame and the only applicant is a hunchback with no arms...

The priest asks "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower to where the bell is." So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. The priest says "Ok, what's your plan?"

The hunchback runs and jumps at the b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a laptop that ejaculates metal?

Computer

[OC] Three little kittens are sliding slowly of a slanted metal roof. Which one hits the ground first?

The one with the littlest mew.

(This is a physics joke, by the way. I posted it to /r/physicsjokes shortly after I wrote it, but I thought I'd try here)

A man lived for ten years eating only tiny pieces of metal

It was his staple diet

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What metal does a Japanese robot consist mostly of?

*Manga*nese

Metal fans don't rest in peace,

they RUST in peace.

A blonde walks into a metal bar

Ouch

The first time out with my metal detector I found a beautiful wedding ring!!

But the bride was still wearing it, so the police came and now they won't give it back.

What's up with that big metal thing in Paris?

It's a right eyefull.