I was about to make a joke on Hydrides of Alkali metals but I thought...

NaH

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron,

which is ironic.

I went out in a thunderstorm carrying a metal pipe

What happened next shocked me

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together.

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

Did you see the show about metal fasteners?

It was riveting.

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?

Sparky

Do you really enjoy joining pieces of sheet metal together all day long?

Yes, it's riveting.

What do you call a Metal Can renting an apartment?

A tinant.

I just found a canyon full of precious metals. I got so excited, I accidentally came in my pants.

It was quite an ore chasm.

Which metal do we need the soonest?

Silver, it's *argent*

I was supposed to pay $500 for a single chunk of metal

what a steel....

The special ed students made a metal band.

It’s called Syndrome of a Down.

What's the difference between metal breakdown and what I go through everyday?

The letter N

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that started a huge protest but without shouting or talking? They ended up destroying a bunch of property, though...

It was a quiet riot

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Why do metal heads love blowjobs so much?

‘Cause that’s when they headbang.

I tossed and turned as I heard metallic sounds coming from the next bedroom.

It was a restless knight.

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A metal music joke - Met a cool dude at a show last night

Him: "Never seen these guys before. What do they sound like?"

Me: "They're blackgaze."

Him: "....What's their race and sexual orientation have to do with their sound?"

I just listened to a heavy metal band singing about norse gods

Now that's what I call Ragna-rock!

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What do pornography and Heavy Metal have in common?

There was a lot more hair in the 1970’s and 1980’s.

I like my death metal like I like my coffee.

Dark and with lots of Meshuggah.

What is the hardest metal on your body?

Tongueskin.

People like to share their musical taste with their neighbors these quarantine days. My neighbor has been listening to death metal the entire day at full volume.

Whether he likes it or not.

How do frogs fasten sheet metal?

Ribbets

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

After years of digging, two gold rush enthusiasts finally found a small amount of the precious metal

It was a miner success

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

What is a windmill's favorite kind of music?

I've heard they're huge metal fans...

What's common between tall people and rock/metal music lovers ?

They both head bang a lot.

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The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the ci...

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys ...

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Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?

“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”

“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird

next door.”

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One day the king had to go for a year-long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.
"Why, doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose?" asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole.
"SNAP!", the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! "...

A miner moves out west to California...

A miner moves out west to California. Having spent a few years in Colorado, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dawn 'til dusk in the mines, and then up from dusk 'til dawn drinking and playing card games.

So, to his surprise, when he moves to Bluster's Bl...

A solar panel, a wind turbine and a hydro dam are all getting to know each other.

‘What kind of music are you into?’ asks the dam.
‘I’m into trance’, replies the solar panel.
‘Ooh, too intense for me’, dam says, ‘I much prefer classical melodies, maybe a little 60s soul at the weekends.’
‘What about you Mr Turbine? What are you into?’
‘Me?’ He replies, ‘I’m a huge met...

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Giving praise is important.

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I hav...

In my day, schooling was so severe.

If we got answers wrong in class, teachers would hit us with unbreakable metal rulers.

Tough measures.

What do you call a metal head who’s into banging fat chicks?

Down with the Thiccness

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My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

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My girlfriend is a metal fan

The last time when we had sex, she got turned on and chopped my dick off

I don't tell jokes about metal

They're too ironic

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I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

Why do metal detectors always go off when Russian men pass through it even if they’re buck naked?

It’s because of their iron will and golden balls.

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

Assuming this is funny.....

A physicist , chemist and an economist are shipwrecked. They have retrieved a box full of canned food but they don't have a can opener. The physicist
says "let's determine an angle at which if the can is thrown we can get it opened up"
The chemist chips in "let me think what metal is used to ...

Two giant wind turbines are standing in a field

One turns to the other and asks “what of music do you like?”
The second one says, “well, I’m a huge metal fan”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

What is Magneto's favourite rock music genre?

Heavy Metal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three families are driving along a mountain road, all collide and die in a wreck of twisted metal and fire. (Long)

All of them end up in a line standing before St. Peter and the pearly gates.

St. Peter motions the first head of the family forward. "What have you done to deserve to get into heaven?"

The man dressed in a business suit said, "My family never wanted for anything and I provided whateve...

When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them.

Call that a defense magnesium

What did the Janitor call his safety warning inspired metal band?

Slip not.

What you say when a heavy metal artist die?

Rust in peace

Ninja 1: Hey bud, could you throw me that little metal star?

Ninja 2: Shuriken

I went to the doctor the other day because I was having bad gas.

It wasn't bothering me because I'm Anosmic (no sense of smell), but my wife and kids were complaining.

By the time doctor came into the examination room, I had passed gas at least four times. They felt like smelly farts, but I couldn't really tell.

I told the doctor about my problem, ...

Why did the heavy metal group rent a wrecking ball for their upcoming concert?

They wanted to bring the house down

A heavy metal fan was diagnosed with coronavirus

He’s down with the sickness

What kind of music do hearing-impaired people listen to?

Deaf Metal

A man goes to the fruit market to buy oranges.

A man goes to the fruit market to buy oranges. He comes across the orange stand and is surprised to see the lack of customers compared to the other stands. He proceeds to ask the vendor about it. He then answers:

"Well, the sign leading to my shop was stolen and the staff refused to provide m...

John was a police officer known for being brutal and unjust.

He was a malicious man, injuring people for shoplifting and killing robbers. His partner, a blonde officer, never called him out for it, always blinded by her own ignorance. After work one day, he and she heard something in the closet. John moved in to investigate, when a man in a pig mask jumped ou...

I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.

Riveting stuff.

I'm in a Medieval-themed metal band

We're called "Bards of Prey."

I played bass on the original Scooby Doo theme song way back in 1969 and then went on to play with Metallica. AMA!

Fine, I didn’t actually play the bass on the Scooby Doo theme song, or in any band for that matter, but I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you metaling kids!

A plastic bucket vs. a metal bucket . . .

Pails in comparison

What's the most important part of a heavy metal band?

The lead singer.

What do you call a cyborg who's also the lead singer of a Nu Metal band?

A White Noise Machine

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

What is a heavy metal musician's favorite dessert?

Ice cream!

Heavy Metal Icon Rob Halford abandoned fame to live as a monk in a Tibetan monastery...

Buddhist Priest.

A detective goes to a metal manufacturing plant...

He is there to investigate the death of a factory owner. The man was an esteemed author and visionary, who unfortunately was crushed to death in his factory. The detective approaches a worker for information.

“What was the product of this facility?”

“The owner loved words, and was obs...

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A guy strikes up a conversation with the guy next to him in an ER waiting room.

A guy is sitting in an ER waiting room. The guy next to him is complaining because he has a sliver of metal in his eye. The first guy says, “That’s got to be the worst thing that’s ever happened to you!” The second guy says, “No, actually, this one winter I was up at my hunting shack, and I had to ...

Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded.

There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

What is Santa’s favorite metal band?

Sleigh-er.

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For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

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What did Himmler tell Hitler when they had too many metal ores to use?

Mine fewer.

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

I just saw a dude chug from a beaker labeled ‘Fe’

That’s metal.

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal.

Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.

I said ether/ore.

Wash. Biol. Surv.

A biological survey team based in Washington State University were studying the migratory habits of crows, so they caught a number of the birds in several states, tagged them with a metal tag marked WASH. BIOL. SURV. along with a box number and serial number, and released them.

After a while ...

I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics.

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids.

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

As a metal worker, I always get blamed for passing gas....

Because whoever smelt it, dealt it.

I came up with this while welding a base for a table.

A man is a millionaire from buying metal rods and reselling them

His friend asks "how do you buy them for so cheap allowing you to make 7 figure salary?"

The man replies "I'm just good at bar gaining"

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite metal band?

*Suicide Silence*

I'm thinking of creating a new heavy metal band.

Osmium should do it.

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

A frog goes into a bank

“What can I help you with?” asks the Teller.

“I’d like to apply for a loan” says the frog.

“Oh” says the Teller “you need to speak with our Loan Officer, Miss Whack”.

The Teller leads the frog to Miss Whacks office and, informs her that the frog wants to apply for a loan. “What ...

What happens when you eat aluminium foil?

You sheet metal

Have you heard the joke about the steel rod?

No? Let metal you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Joke my Dad told that Im pretty sure I heard a comedian do once

So theres these three guys on a construction crew. Every day at lunch they compare what they get. Everday the italian guy gets pizza and he says " if I get this one more timea Ima jumpa offada buildinga!!!"

The irish guy pops open his metal box, lo and behold hes got mashed potatoes loaded wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An auntie kimber classic. I was 5 when I heard this lol

There was a young man Fredrick in the last course of his psychology major. His final exam was to assess the mental conditions of 3 patients down in the deepest depth of the mental ward. It was 1966.
With his clipboard in hand, he walks down the dim lit hallway and gets to a giant metal door. The ...

I tried to impress a girl recently by putting the pedal to the metal

Turns out she had seen a bin open that way before

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

My parents both hated their metallurgist jobs, so it's strange they named me Steele.

They choose it because it's irony.

Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?

Because it has rust issues!

Karen walks into a heavy metal bar...

"Ow" Karen exclaimed,"that hurt"

I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

What do you get when you mix multiple metals and a reptile

An alloy-gator

My bank just released a card that rewards me with precious metals like gold and silver when I spend money!

They’re calling it the Creddit Card.

Ever wondered why there's no metal-made toilets?

Ask George R.R. Martin.

I thought I saw a sheet of metal working out

It was just a curling iron

A man walks into a bar

“Why is there a metal bar in the middle of a sidewalk?” He asks

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My kidnappers enjoyed torturing me

It was days before one of them allowed me to finally drink any water. When he gave me the jug of discolored water, the grin on his face had me terrified to drink it, and I instantly imagined it was full of poison. But I couldn't help myself; I was too thirsty. I drank it all.

Still I couldn't...

My friend says I don't understand the meaning of "irony"

Despite the fact I keep telling him it's "metallic"

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

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