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I don't always listen to metal, but when I do...

so do the neighbors.

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I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

I went out in a thunderstorm carrying a metal pipe

What happened next shocked me

I once had 4 blowouts at once, but managed to drive on the metal of my rims from New York to New Jersey. I did pretty good, but the hero of the moment was my car.

It worked tirelessly.

What's the name of the nu-metal band reaching the billboard top 100?

PopKorn.

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

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A nazi walks into a bar...

How someone can hit their head multiple times on a metal bar lying on the ground is a mystery, but that's what the eyewitnesses all claim happened.

My maize garden thrives when I play nu metal music

Korn

did you hear about the guy stuck in a heavy metal box?

don't worry, he's safe now.

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Which famous wrestler went into the scrap metal business?

Macho man Randy Salvage

What do you call a metallic Russian chamber pot?

Vladimir Poo-tin.

What do you call a heavy metal band With financial problems?

Megadebt

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

A magnet walks into an elemental singles bar and tries a pickup line on a pretty slab of metal.

"Is your name *Beryllium*? 'Cause you can alka-***lie*** next to *my* earth metal!"

The slab of ***lead*** says "Nah. You don't *attract* me."

Ba dum TSS!

Once I tried to start a metal band...

...but gave up as I couldn't find a good conductor.

I went metal detecting in Germany hoping to find an old coin.

I missed the mark though.

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

Can't decide if I want to steal some bikes or visit a heavy metal legend..

Either way I'm going to rob Halfords

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As a man and a woman lay on a beach, the man notices someone with a metal detector.

"I wonder if he's found anything," he says to his wife, "I'm gonna to go ask him."

"C'mon honey, leave the loser alone."

But he was already up and walking over. "Found anything?" the man calls out.

"Oh yes," says the detectorist. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a ring. "I ...

What's the one note a black metal band will never play?

Gsus.

I like my death metal like I like my coffee.

Dark and with lots of Meshuggah.

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What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

The bin out the back of the breast cancer clinic.

in the 1980s they blamed heavy metal music for violent youth.

Now it's 2022 and their still blaming the doors.

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An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise

when he sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. “Hey boy, what do you have there?”

“Chicken wire.”

“What you gonna do with that?”

“Gonna catch some chickens.”

“You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” says...

What’s a policeman’s favourite metal?

Copper

Why don’t they play heavy metal over the radio?

Because the it’s too heavy for the antenna to pick it up

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron

Which is ironic.

I found a Land Rover whilst metal detecting today

It was a lovely discovery

All of a sudden, the Marvel, DC, and Image Comics universes merged into one.

In no time at all, the superheroes joined forces and managed to capture all of the villains and throw them in prison with those special de-powering collars they used in Deadpool 2.

Imagine Magneto's frustration as he was led into a cell and locked up behind metal bars, which normally would be...

How do metal heads drink their coffee?

With Meshuggah.

Ever seen a blacksmith join two metal sheets?

It's riveting

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My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

Why does windmills like heavy metal?

Because they are a huge metal fan

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together.

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

I saw a movie where a guy tried to shoot open a lock, but the heat from the bullet actually fused the metal together so the door wouldn't budge.

Now that's what I call a shotgun welding.

A man walks into a bar and is immediately knocked out

It’s a metal bar

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

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A group of aging Rockstars are hanging out and comparing who has received the most impressive gift…

They are in Roger Daltrey’s house and he is showing off an exquisite pinball machine.
“This Custom Tommy Pinball Machine was given to me by the Prime Minister of Sweden. He loved Tommy so much he had it specially made. The balls and all the metal fixtures are made of real Sterling Silver!”
<...

I bought a book today about how to attach permanent metal fasteners.

It’s riveting.

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year-long expedition and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help. The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle. "Why doesn't that just defeat the w...

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An Amish kid has a medical issue...

An Amish kid has a medical issue that necessitates a hospital visit in the big city. The family travels to the big city for the very first time, and the mother heads to the check-in desk at the hospital.

Meantime the father and son see a metal door on a wall. An elderly woman on crutches push...

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Perhaps a holdup too..

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took the first man to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will foll...

Somali Pirates Can't Find Hidden Treasure Buried in 2007

A bunch of Somali pirates lost their hidden treasure. They last saw their hidden treasure in 2007. They tried everything, bloodhounds, radar, metal detectors, sonar. But they couldn't find their treasure.

One day, one of the pirates had a suggestion.

"Captain, we should break R ...

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?

Sparky

People like to share their musical taste with their neighbors these quarantine days. My neighbor has been listening to death metal the entire day at full volume.

Whether he likes it or not.

I just started a new job I'm metal grinding

Not sure if I love it or not, but sparks sure are flying

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I went to the Worst Strip Club in Texas

There was only one other person there, a 80-something year old woman with flabby tits and makeup so thick it caked up around her eyes. She was sitting on the edge of the stage, smoking a rolled up cigarette between her dentures with her prosthetic metal hook hand.

When she saw me, she stood u...

What do you call a group of blacksmiths?

The metalclergy.

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In 1944, Germany was losing WWII and was desperate for money. Nazi party officials secretely visited Switzerland bankers and offered to trade an entire division of Panzers in exchange for precious metals.

Tanks for the gold!

What is the sub-genre of metal preferred by most tuna fish?

Alba-core.

Two windmills stand on a hill.

The first says, "So what kind of music do you like?"

The other answers, "I'm a big metal fan."

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

How did the metal beam break?

Shear force.

What is a crane operators favourite music genre?

Heavy metal

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

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In the next few months, Jeff Bezos plans to go into space. There he will be forced to stay inside a small metal room and piss in a tube.

I guess he is just trying to relate to his employees.

I was supposed to pay $500 for a single chunk of metal

what a steel....

I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.

It was a *huge* ore chasm.

Which metal do we need the soonest?

Silver, it's *argent*

What is a 100-year-old's favorite metal band?

Age Against the Machine.

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Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.



It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.

Two people walk onto a stage, both holding metal tubes. One sings and the other raps. How do you tell which is which before they start performing?

Easy: The singer’s got pipes, and the rapper’s got bars.

What do you call a metal basketball player?

LeBronze

Some Engineering Teachers Sat In a Plane

A group of engineering teachers were invited to sit in a plane. Once everyone was comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by their engineering students. Immediately, all the teachers scrambled to get out of the plane- all but one. When asked why, the teacher responded:
...

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The issu...

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What do pornography and Heavy Metal have in common?

There was a lot more hair in the 1970’s and 1980’s.

What does a metal frog say?

Rivet.

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

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A Redditor accidentally trips and sets off an explosion in a precious metal mine. What’s the first thing they say?

Holy crap this blew up!

Uhhh thanks for the gold stranger!

What's a Pixar editors favorite metal song?

Down with the Thiccness.

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys ...

I just saw a theater performance called "The Woodpecker and the Metal Pole"

The performance was impeccable!

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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

The special ed students made a metal band.

It’s called Syndrome of a Down.

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

Why can't you improve the efficiency of wind farms by playing country music around them?

Because they're really just big heavy metal fans.

What happens when you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal

Why dont peple fish for non metals?

Because it is very boron

I tossed and turned as I heard metallic sounds coming from the next bedroom.

It was a restless knight.

What is the hardest metal on your body?

Tongueskin.

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

Instructions

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv. " until the agency received th...

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Amish man and his son go to a big shopping mall for the first time

They're staring in wonder at all of the shiny big buildings and the massive panes of glass when the two come across two big shiny metal doors.

"What is it, dad?" asked the son.

"I have no idea." replied the father. I have never seen anything like this in all my life.

They watch...

What's the most important part of a heavy metal band?

The lead singer.

What's the difference between metal breakdown and what I go through everyday?

The letter N

I want to make a lord of the rings themed metal band called

Nightmare on helms deep

The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves.

Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket.

I once told the family I like heavy metal

I got an iron anvil. Best gift ever.

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3 students at a high school get into trouble and are put on detention after school.

But instead of just sitting in a classroom they are tasked with helping the school Janitor clean the school basement.

So they set about clearing the basement. They find loads of old junk, which had accumulated over the 80 years the school had been open.

After about an hour of movi...

How do frogs fasten sheet metal?

Ribbets

What do you call a metal head who’s into banging fat chicks?

Down with the Thiccness

Do you really enjoy joining pieces of sheet metal together all day long?

Yes, it's riveting.

God and the devil chat about music

The god and the devil were chating, as they usually do when the concept of music came up.
With a bit of intrigue God asked the devil how he'd managed to get into every genre of music, from rock & rap to hip hop & metal ect .
The devil chuckled no no no , music is too special, too human...

What do you call a Metal Can renting an apartment?

A tinant.

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that started a huge protest but without shouting or talking? They ended up destroying a bunch of property, though...

It was a quiet riot

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Why do metal heads love blowjobs so much?

‘Cause that’s when they headbang.

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Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?

“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”

“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird

next door.”

A plastic bucket vs. a metal bucket . . .

Pails in comparison

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What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

An Amish man and his son are at a mall.

They're taken aback as they look around. The son points to an elevator and asks his father, "What is that?" The man says, "I don't know, son, but let's watch." An old, fat woman gets on and the metal doors slide shut. A few moments later the doors slide open and a gorgeous young blonde gets off....

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

After years of digging, two gold rush enthusiasts finally found a small amount of the precious metal

It was a miner success

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A metal music joke - Met a cool dude at a show last night

Him: "Never seen these guys before. What do they sound like?"

Me: "They're blackgaze."

Him: "....What's their race and sexual orientation have to do with their sound?"

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

Ninja 1: Hey bud, could you throw me that little metal star?

Ninja 2: Shuriken

Heavy Metal Icon Rob Halford abandoned fame to live as a monk in a Tibetan monastery...

Buddhist Priest.

Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded.

There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

Not all construction work is created equal.

For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.

I said ether/ore.

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