I went out in a thunderstorm carrying a metal pipe

What happened next shocked me

Why dont peple fish for non metals?

Because it is very boron

I just found a canyon full of precious metals. I got so excited, I accidentally came in my pants.

It was quite an ore chasm.

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron...

Which is ironic.

What's the one note a black metal band will never play?

Gsus.

What do you call a metal basketball player?

LeBronze

I just saw a theater performance called "The Woodpecker and the Metal Pole"

The performance was impeccable!

What does a metal frog say?

Rivet.

Which metal do we need the soonest?

Silver, it's *argent*

People like to share their musical taste with their neighbors these quarantine days. My neighbor has been listening to death metal the entire day at full volume.

Whether he likes it or not.

I like my death metal like I like my coffee.

Dark and with lots of Meshuggah.

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?

Sparky

Which metal can only be taken by force?

Cesium

What should you do when you want to employ a dishonest man with wings to purchase threads of metal that transfer electricity across dangerous swamps?

Hire liar flyer Sire Dire Mire Wire Buyer!



(I thought of this several years ago. My girlfriend doesn't like it, possibly because I am overly proud of it. Hoping some of you get some enjoyment out if it though!)

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Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

I want to make a lord of the rings themed metal band called

Nightmare on helms deep

Did you see the show about metal fasteners?

It was riveting.

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves.

Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket.

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A Redditor accidentally trips and sets off an explosion in a precious metal mine. What’s the first thing they say?

Holy crap this blew up!

Uhhh thanks for the gold stranger!

I was supposed to pay $500 for a single chunk of metal

what a steel....

I once told the family I like heavy metal

I got an iron anvil. Best gift ever.

The special ed students made a metal band.

It’s called Syndrome of a Down.

What do you call a Metal Can renting an apartment?

A tinant.

How do frogs fasten sheet metal?

Ribbets

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What do pornography and Heavy Metal have in common?

There was a lot more hair in the 1970’s and 1980’s.

What do you call a drummer in a heavy metal band who doesn’t have a girlfriend?

Homeless

One wind engine asks an other: What music do you like?

The other one answers: I'm a big metal fan.

The Oblivious Miner

A miner moves out to Colorado. Having spent a few years in California, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dusk 'til dawn in the mines, and then from dawn 'til dusk drinking, playing card games and occasionally have some great night with them lady(or ladies).
...

Do you really enjoy joining pieces of sheet metal together all day long?

Yes, it's riveting.

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

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Why do metal heads love blowjobs so much?

‘Cause that’s when they headbang.

I tossed and turned as I heard metallic sounds coming from the next bedroom.

It was a restless knight.

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A metal music joke - Met a cool dude at a show last night

Him: "Never seen these guys before. What do they sound like?"

Me: "They're blackgaze."

Him: "....What's their race and sexual orientation have to do with their sound?"

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My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

What is the hardest metal on your body?

Tongueskin.

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I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

In a protestant church

I saw a large metal contraption with smoke coming from it.
I asked "Is that an organ?"
They said "No, it's a catholic converter."

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that started a huge protest but without shouting or talking? They ended up destroying a bunch of property, though...

It was a quiet riot

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys ...

After years of digging, two gold rush enthusiasts finally found a small amount of the precious metal

It was a miner success

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Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?

“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”

“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird

next door.”

What's common between tall people and rock/metal music lovers ?

They both head bang a lot.

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My girlfriend is a metal fan

The last time when we had sex, she got turned on and chopped my dick off

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A woman was having sex in an apartment on the 20th floor with another Man

As She heard her Husband coming... She told her Lover to stay like a Robot and not to move...

Husband :
What is this???

Wife :
This is a Robot...
I bought it to have Sex with when you are travelling...

Husband :
Okay darling in that case let's have Sex now......

Remember when Smeagol choked his own cousin to death to get at the One Ring?

Yeah, it was pretty metal.

My American Clock

A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard and is able to buy for his very first home, a condominium apartment. So he throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks...

A man spots an empty beach as he frantically searches for a place to land his plane.

He's run out fuel but he is a skilled enough pilot to guide his aircraft down and gracefully crash into the sand. He comes in at a small angle and exits his vehicle without a scratch on him.

"Damn it, what could have gone wrong?" He ponders for a short while before he starts assessing the da...

A person is driving on a road, his radio blasting 'Children of the Grave' at max volume.

What is the last thing that goes through his head while he crashes into oncoming traffic at 80 miles per hour?




Heavy metal.

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What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

What do you call a metal head who’s into banging fat chicks?

Down with the Thiccness

What is a windmill's favorite kind of music?

I've heard they're huge metal fans...

I don't tell jokes about metal

They're too ironic

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into th...

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

What's The Tin Man's favorite type of music?

He's a big heavy metal guy.

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A man walks into a bar.

He walks up to a bartender and tells her he is a recovering alcoholic and needs a beer as soon as possible.

Bartender: Are you really in recovery? Because you just ordered a beer, friend.

Man: Of course I'm recovering. I just walked into a metal fucking bar.

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are called to investigate a murder at a quarry one day...

When they arrive at the scene of the crime, it's already been taped off and other investigators are there. Holmes and Watson push their way to the front as they typically do and start going to work.

"Holmes, look at this, what is it?" Watson asked.

"Why that's the butt end of a cigar o...

Just made up a 100-year-old joke:

What do you call a metal dog?

>!Rin Tin Tin!<

A navy officer on a submarine was doing his rounds and noticed something odd...

There was what looked like a frying pan handle sticking out of the floor of the sub! The officer did some more looking around, and saw more strange things sticking out of the floor: golf clubs, clothes irons, car bumpers, and even half a bicycle!

Alarmed by this, he went up to the sub command...

What you say when a heavy metal artist die?

Rust in peace

Why do metal detectors always go off when Russian men pass through it even if they’re buck naked?

It’s because of their iron will and golden balls.

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Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news.

"Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first."
"We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play."
"That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!"
"You balls are 3 inches from the pin."

Yesterday I called my engineer friend and asked him what he was up to

He said, “I’m working on a hydrothermic treatment of porcelain, glass and metals in an environment under controlled pressure.”

His response impressed me but I had no idea what he was talking about and so I asked him to elaborate.

He answered, “I’m doing the dishes and my wife is super...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

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Three families are driving along a mountain road, all collide and die in a wreck of twisted metal and fire. (Long)

All of them end up in a line standing before St. Peter and the pearly gates.

St. Peter motions the first head of the family forward. "What have you done to deserve to get into heaven?"

The man dressed in a business suit said, "My family never wanted for anything and I provided whateve...

A heavy metal fan was diagnosed with coronavirus

He’s down with the sickness

I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.

Riveting stuff.

What did the Janitor call his safety warning inspired metal band?

Slip not.

Ninja 1: Hey bud, could you throw me that little metal star?

Ninja 2: Shuriken

What's the most important part of a heavy metal band?

The lead singer.

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

Heavy Metal Icon Rob Halford abandoned fame to live as a monk in a Tibetan monastery...

Buddhist Priest.

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

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A group of five park wardens decided to start a band together...

... They all agreed on playing music of a rock subgerne kind, mixed in with symphonic elements, fantasy based subject matter and strong choruses. However they could not agree on a specific aesthetic, as each one of them turned up for their first practice session with a different color scheme.
...

Why did the heavy metal group rent a wrecking ball for their upcoming concert?

They wanted to bring the house down

Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded.

There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

A plastic bucket vs. a metal bucket . . .

Pails in comparison

When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them.

Call that a defense magnesium

I'm in a Medieval-themed metal band

We're called "Bards of Prey."

What is Santa’s favorite metal band?

Sleigh-er.

What do you call a cyborg who's also the lead singer of a Nu Metal band?

A White Noise Machine

What is a heavy metal musician's favorite dessert?

Ice cream!

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

A detective goes to a metal manufacturing plant...

He is there to investigate the death of a factory owner. The man was an esteemed author and visionary, who unfortunately was crushed to death in his factory. The detective approaches a worker for information.

“What was the product of this facility?”

“The owner loved words, and was obs...

In my day, schooling was so severe.

If we got answers wrong in class, teachers would hit us with unbreakable metal rulers.

Tough measures.

A solar panel, a wind turbine and a hydro dam are all getting to know each other.

‘What kind of music are you into?’ asks the dam.
‘I’m into trance’, replies the solar panel.
‘Ooh, too intense for me’, dam says, ‘I much prefer classical melodies, maybe a little 60s soul at the weekends.’
‘What about you Mr Turbine? What are you into?’
‘Me?’ He replies, ‘I’m a huge met...

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.

I said ether/ore.

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

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What did Himmler tell Hitler when they had too many metal ores to use?

Mine fewer.

I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics.

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids.

As a metal worker, I always get blamed for passing gas....

Because whoever smelt it, dealt it.

I came up with this while welding a base for a table.

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Giving praise is important.

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I hav...

Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal.

Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.

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Chemical Analysis of Women

Item: Chemical Analysis



Subject: Women



Symbol: Wo



Discovered by: Adam



Atomic Weight: Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb.


Occurrence: Surplus quanti...

Karen walks into a heavy metal bar...

"Ow" Karen exclaimed,"that hurt"

What do you get when you mix multiple metals and a reptile

An alloy-gator

A man is a millionaire from buying metal rods and reselling them

His friend asks "how do you buy them for so cheap allowing you to make 7 figure salary?"

The man replies "I'm just good at bar gaining"

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite metal band?

*Suicide Silence*

I'm thinking of creating a new heavy metal band.

Osmium should do it.

I tried to impress a girl recently by putting the pedal to the metal

Turns out she had seen a bin open that way before

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

Ever wondered why there's no metal-made toilets?

Ask George R.R. Martin.

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?

Because it has rust issues!

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