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Metal Jokes

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I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

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My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron

Which is ironic.
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I went out in a thunderstorm carrying a metal pipe

What happened next shocked me
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What do you call a heavy metal band With financial problems?

Megadebt
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What does a metal frog say?

Rivet.
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Why is Metallica the safest band to listen to in an airport?

Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1989.
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Two windmills are in a field.

One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?"

The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"
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An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...
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What do you call someone who writes Death Metal music?

A Decomposer
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a man and a woman lay on a beach, the man notices someone with a metal detector.

"I wonder if he's found anything," he says to his wife, "I'm gonna to go ask him."

"C'mon honey, leave the loser alone."

But he was already up and walking over. "Found anything?" the man calls out.

"Oh yes," says the detectorist. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a ring. "I ...

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What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

The bin out the back of the breast cancer clinic.

In a few minutes, a hypnotist convinced me that I’m a metal with atomic number 82.

Turns out I’m ….easily lead.
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Did you hear about that new heavy metal themed sandwich shop?

It's called Pantera Bread
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Holey metal bowl, batman

For the last time, Robin, it's called a colander
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When people use metal detectors, they’re treasure hunters…

but when _I_ do it, I’m “a thief” and I “need to leave the war memorial.”

Double standards, man. I swear
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Once I tried to start a metal band...

...but gave up as I couldn't find a good conductor.
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All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together.

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.
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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

What is quantum metal smelted from?

Either ore
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Just had a Metal Gear Solid shit.

Solid Snake.

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A nazi walks into a bar...

How someone can hit their head multiple times on a metal bar lying on the ground is a mystery, but that's what the eyewitnesses all claim happened.

I don't always listen to metal, but when I do...

so do the neighbors.
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My poem about a heavy metal band's best album is being read on British radio

ABCB on ACDC's ace CD on BBC

How do metal heads drink their coffee?

With Meshuggah.
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Ever seen a blacksmith join two metal sheets?

It's riveting
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I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.
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My new neighbor practices the trumpet at 6 in the morning, then listens to thrash metal at max volume after midnight.

Don't worry though. I've let him know that if he stops doing the first thing, I'll let him stop the second too.
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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

Got a date tonight with a lady who makes metal supports for gates.

There's a lot hinging on this.
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Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinnin...
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What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band?

Sleigher
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After years of digging, a gold prospector finally found a small amount of a precious metal

It was a miner success.
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I found a Land Rover whilst metal detecting today

It was a lovely discovery
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What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.
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The special ed students made a metal band.

It’s called Syndrome of a Down.
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Why dont peple fish for non metals?

Because it is very boron
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I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.

It was a *huge* ore chasm.
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What's the one note a black metal band will never play?

Gsus.
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I don't tell jokes about metal

They're too ironic
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What is Jesus Christ's favorite metal band?

Nine Inch Nails
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Why does windmills like heavy metal?

Because they are a huge metal fan
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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

What do you call a metallic Russian chamber pot?

Vladimir Poo-tin.
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Did you see the show about metal fasteners?

It was riveting.
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I went metal detecting in Germany hoping to find an old coin.

I missed the mark though.
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I bought a book today about how to attach permanent metal fasteners.

It’s riveting.
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So an IT guy is really bad at his job and decides to quit and start a Nu Metal band.

It was named: System Always Down
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Can't decide if I want to steal some bikes or visit a heavy metal legend..

Either way I'm going to rob Halfords
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What do pornography and Heavy Metal have in common?

There was a lot more hair in the 1970’s and 1980’s.

I was supposed to pay $500 for a single chunk of metal

what a steel....
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in the 1980s they blamed heavy metal music for violent youth.

Now it's 2022 and their still blaming the doors.
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I just started a new job I'm metal grinding

Not sure if I love it or not, but sparks sure are flying
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How did the metal beam break?

Shear force.
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A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys ...
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Which type of metal do you need to be careful of?

Stainless Steel. Because they are SUS.
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What's a Pixar editors favorite metal song?

Down with the Thiccness.
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A magnet walks into an elemental singles bar and tries a pickup line on a pretty slab of metal.

"Is your name *Beryllium*? 'Cause you can alka-***lie*** next to *my* earth metal!"

The slab of ***lead*** says "Nah. You don't *attract* me."

Ba dum TSS!
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How do frogs fasten sheet metal?

Ribbets
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I went through airport security and the alarm went off

The TSA agent asked if I had any metal on me.

I said hell yeah I do, pulled out a Metallica CD and slammed it on the table.

I was detained and strip searched but it was worth it.
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As a true metal head, I like my coffee like I like my metal...

Black, with a little Meshuggah.
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?

Sparky
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What is the hardest metal on your body?

Tongueskin.
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A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if ther...

What do you call a metal basketball player?

LeBronze
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What is the sub-genre of metal preferred by most tuna fish?

Alba-core.
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Metal medal

There was once an extremely handsome, gorgeous doctor Jones. Apart from his good looks he was extremely skilled. One day, he was the only doctor in the hospital, and yet he still managed to tend to and medicate every single patient who needed his help! The community decided to recognize his achievem...
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I once told the family I like heavy metal

I got an iron anvil. Best gift ever.
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TIL listening to metal music can give you heavy metal poisoning

It's because of the lead singer.
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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...
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What sound does a red metal rod make when it hits a white metal rod?

*PINK!*
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What do you call when a metal shares the negative energy to his non-metal bestfriend?

an ionic bonding moment
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Why do metal heads love blowjobs so much?

‘Cause that’s when they headbang.

Ever heard of that Hebrew metal band?

Guns N' Moses
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Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?

“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”

“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird

next door.”

I'm in a Medieval-themed metal band

We're called "Bards of Prey."
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A heavy metal fan was diagnosed with coronavirus

He’s down with the sickness
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A heavy metal fan walks into a heavy metal bar.

He gets a concussion.
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What two secret organizations rule the world through control of important metallic elements?

The Aluminati and the Tinplars.
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Two metal heads don't marry

They weld
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What do you call a Metal Can renting an apartment?

A tinant.
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A plastic bucket vs. a metal bucket . . .

Pails in comparison
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Why do shovels hate digging up metal?

Because of the irony

Sorry I guess you couldn’t handle the joke

I’m gonna dig up some more

I’ll spade you of any more puns

If you couldn’t sit through that you’re a tool

(Please don’t steel this joke it took me a long time to come up with it (credit to u/ImToastedB...
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I just saw a theater performance called "The Woodpecker and the Metal Pole"

The performance was impeccable!
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I've got a joke about metal.

Actually, no... Scrap that.

I want to make a lord of the rings themed metal band called

Nightmare on helms deep
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Titanium is a most amorous metal...

When it gets hot, it'll combine with anything.
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I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money
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Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

I once had 4 blowouts at once, but managed to drive on the metal of my rims from New York to New Jersey. I did pretty good, but the hero of the moment was my car.

It worked tirelessly.
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What's common between tall people and rock/metal music lovers ?

They both head bang a lot.
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[Political] What's a pro-choicer's favorite metal band?

Dying Fetus
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What is a heavy metal musician's favorite dessert?

Ice cream!
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Ever wondered why there's no metal-made toilets?

Ask George R.R. Martin.
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I hate heavy metal.

I was walking down the street and passed these guys talking about heavy metal.

I walked by them and said under my breath, “God I hate heavy metal.”

One of them heard me and yelled back, “why do you gotta hate the best music ever?”

So I said, “because all these ingots in my bag ...
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Windmills love metal music

They're huge metal fans
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The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves.

Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket.
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Welder joke

A welder sees an ad for help and a metals shop. $18-$25 per hour. He goes in and asks about the job. They give him some metal to weld and tells him to bring it back when he's done. The welder brings back two welds. The first one is beautiful. Pristine beads, straight as an arrow. The shop owner comp...
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Do you really enjoy joining pieces of sheet metal together all day long?

Yes, it's riveting.
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3 blonde women walk out of a building.

When they reach their car they realize that they forgot the keys in the car.

The first one said:"I'll go see if anyone has a metal coat hanger to pick the lock".

The second one objected: "If you do that people will think we are stealing the car".

The third one exclaimed:"Hurry u...
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Ninja 1: Hey bud, could you throw me that little metal star?

Ninja 2: Shuriken
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Plastic. Metal. Big red. Ice. Ash. Industrial.

My bucket list.
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I'm thinking of creating a new heavy metal band.

Osmium should do it.
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Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...
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How efficient is shipping goods in a large metal container?

Semi
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What language do metallic fruits periodically speak?

Manganese.
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As a metal worker, I always get blamed for passing gas....

Because whoever smelt it, dealt it.

I came up with this while welding a base for a table.
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