What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?

You become Megadeaf

Two windmills are in a field.

One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?"

The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"

I found an enormous ravine filled with so many precious metals, I climaxed.

It was a huge ore chasm.

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What do porn and heavy metal have in common?

Both used to have a lot more hair back in the 70's and 80's

I tried to impress a girl recently by putting the pedal to the metal

Turns out she had seen a bin open that way before

How do you describe a person's breath that smells like metal coins?

Minted fresh

I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.

Riveting stuff.

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What did Himmler tell Hitler when they had too many metal ores to use?

Mine fewer.

A plastic bucket vs. a metal bucket . . .

Pails in comparison

What you say when a heavy metal artist die?

Rust in peace

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

What kind of security do they hire for metal concerts?

Coppers

What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

My bank just released a card that rewards me with precious metals like gold and silver when I spend money!

They’re calling it the Creddit Card.

I thought I saw a sheet of metal working out

It was just a curling iron

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?

Because it has rust issues!

I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

[Political] What's a pro-choicer's favorite metal band?

Dying Fetus

What did the Blacksmith say to his apprentice after hammering down the metal bar

"That's upsetting"

Karen walks into a heavy metal bar...

"Ow" Karen exclaimed,"that hurt"

If you ever wonder what kind of music windmills like

I can guarantee you that they are huge metal fans

Two metal heads don't marry

They weld

I just watched the World Heavy Metal Knitting Championship in Finland.

It was pretty knots!

What do you call a baby metal band?

Ultrasound

I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics.

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids.

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

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I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

A hypnotist once convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82

I’m easily lead

What do a metal roof and a woman have in common?

If you don't screw enough she'll wind up at the neighbor's

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that also makes Christmas music?

They're called sleigh-er

Plastic. Metal. Big red. Ice. Ash. Industrial.

My bucket list.

Why do shovels hate digging up metal?

Because of the irony

Sorry I guess you couldn’t handle the joke

I’m gonna dig up some more

I’ll spade you of any more puns

If you couldn’t sit through that you’re a tool

(Please don’t steel this joke it took me a long time to come up with it (credit to u/ImToastedB...

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

Ever wondered why there's no metal-made toilets?

Ask George R.R. Martin.

I have a friend who's partially made of metal

Guess you can call him my alloy

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A Russian metal worker named Yetzel lives in the countryside.

Every day he does back-breaking work at a factory, pounding metal slabs and preparing them to be sold. He make 2 rubles a month, and goes through many hardships daily, what with barely having enough money to feed his 29 children and provide clothes for them all.

One day, Yetzel goes to the re...

What do you get when you mix multiple metals and a reptile

An alloy-gator

There used to be big 5 of thrash metal!

One was Suicidal.

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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

Saw a group of Sikh men jamming out to heavy metal the other day

They were definitely Down With The Sikhness

Metal medal

There was once an extremely handsome, gorgeous doctor Jones. Apart from his good looks he was extremely skilled. One day, he was the only doctor in the hospital, and yet he still managed to tend to and medicate every single patient who needed his help! The community decided to recognize his achievem...

I walked into a shop and asked for contraception. The store clerk gave me a huge metal disk instead...

"I'm sorry, but I think there's been a misunderstanding" I said.

The clerk replied "I thought you asked for a condom?"

I nodded

The clerk responds "That's why I gave you a man hole cover"

Heavy metal is a lot like jazz....

It's the lyrics you DON'T hear

Imagine you're a slug of metal rolling down a conveyor belt. A massive die drops on you and you're stamped into a shiny, perfect coin...

Are you moved and impressed?

What do you call when a metal shares the negative energy to his non-metal bestfriend?

an ionic bonding moment

You know, I stole some metal the other day.

I told a good friend of mine, Pewter, and he said 'That's worth a Nickel or two, how'd you get it?'

I told him I stole it and he said 'Well that's ironic, becuase it's steel!'

'

A new heavy metal Christian Rock band has started up.

They're called Nuns 'n' Moses

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

What do you get when you cross nu metal with professional networking?

LinkedIn Park

Germany owed a massive debt to France after the treaty of Versailles

One day, Germany couldn't afford to pay the weekly payment to France. So France gathered a band of soldiers and rode into a small town in Rhineland on trucks, hoping to find anything valuable as reparation. After inspecting the town for a brief moment, they took its tram tracks and street lamps back...

Penguin at the bar

A guy walks into a pub. He orders a pint at the bar and looks around the place. Suddenly, he noticed a penguin in a corner, reading a newspaper. The penguin then downs a pint next to him and leaves. The guy's so shocked he couldn't do anything. He runs to the bartender and goes:-What the hell was th...

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Taking The Bait

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You da...

I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

A metal roadie gets stopped at the airport...

He was travelling with Anthrax.

#1 Tip for both fastening metal together and streakers:

Pull out your nuts and bolt

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The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room...

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

What’s a police officer’s favorite metal?

Copper.

My hearing impaired son has finally come up with a name for his own thrash metal band.

Megadeaf.

I paid $3 for a block of metal yesterday

It was really quite the steel

Ed Smith was a famous but rude ore trader in the area.

ED SMITH'S SHOP.

It was one of the biggest landmarks in the town. You could just look at that big metal sign and see how proud the man was of his trade.

No matter how good a businessman he was, Ed's arrogant behavior was loathed by pretty much everyone. He was too proud of his riches, ...

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Little rabbit opens a public musical toilet in the forest.

The animals are all queuing to try it. First comes the fox.
"What kind of music would you like?", the little rabbit asks.
"Definitely heavy metal", the fox answers.
"2 dollars", says the rabbit and he presses some buttons on the machine. The fox hands over the money, enters the toilet, and ...

What do you call someone who writes death metal instrumentals?

A decomposer

What did the old man say when the local blacksmiths caught him trying to scare everyone away from town so he could buy up all the property for himself?

I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you metaling kids.

I don't always listen to heavy metal, but when I do...

...so do the neighbors.

As a true metal head, I like my coffee like I like my metal...

Black, with a little Meshuggah.

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So my mate was welding the other day

While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.

Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.

Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.

After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creep...

A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

A metal band comprised of Chernobyl survivors

6 Finger Death Punch

The pope is travelling through Canada...

...watching the wonderful landscape flying by as his chauffeur drives him across the seemingly endless roads through the wilderness.
Eventually though, he grows bored and asks his chauffeur if he can drive for a bit.
"Listen", the pope says, "I'll drive for an hour, nobody will see. You can ...

I introduced a miner to some heavy metal.

The Miner really digs the music.

Hi funny people I need your help.

I have a credit card that is made of metal and is very heavy. People frequently comment on how heavy it is and I have been trying to come up with a witty response for nearly two years now. I've tried, I'm hard on things, I think they are concerned I would wear it out and I take spending seriously bu...

I used to know everything there was to know about metal oxidation...

... but now I’m a bit rusty

A guy walks into a bar

“Ouch,” he says, because it was a heavy metal bar, and his ears are accustomed to jazz.

Twenty-five years.

Twenty-five years, and I never killed a single person until a few months ago. Now I'm on death row for multiple charges: manslaughter, murder, negligence.

After the first, I thought it was over. I thought nothing of the fact that the Sheriff warned me I would be sentenced to death if it happe...

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Tiger tank

WW2 is raging and 3 Jews are walking along a road and they see a German tiger tank in the middle of the road.
One of them says " Let's push this tank to our village and sell it for scrap metal"
So they start to push the tank along the road and after 30 minutes one of them falls to the ground ...

My father was a commercial miner his whole life, but he only mined silver and gold. On his deathbed, I asked him what his favorite metal to mine was... he said

“Either ore.”

What happens whan you eat tin foil?

You sheet metal

Ever heard of that Hebrew metal band?

Guns N' Moses

A man walks into a doctor's clinic and says, “I think I'm going rusty.”

The doctor takes a look and replies, “It seems you've developed a common metal disorder.”

I grew up in a house with metal floors. It wasn't much fun though...

I was grounded all the time.

A science teacher takes his young student aside...

A science teacher takes his young student aside in the lab one afternoon and tells him he wants to teach him a new way of discovering knowledge and developing understanding. He is an excellent student but tends to get caught up in the strictness of the scientific method.

"It's all very well t...

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The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

What is a criminal's least favourite metal?

The copper.

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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal testicles?

Sparky

Why did Ozzy Osbourne retire from touring?

He had metal fatigue.

A snail is going somewhere...

...one day, when he comes upon a shiny metal object in his path. Undeterred, he climbs on it and goes on, when suddenly the object shakes and a blue being comes out of the smoke and proclaims, "I am the genie of this lamp, snail, and you have rubbed it by going across it. However, since your "rubbin...

A scientist is asked by the government to create the first teleporter.

Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.

First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they ...

I went to a fan convention

It was very interesting with a large range of fans, including metal, plastic and even wooden. Quite Frankly, I was blown away

A man working at the Federal Reserve

A man working at the Federal Reserve was hired to manufacture pennies. On his first day, the supervisor walked him around the manufacturing area.

“This first machine melts down large blocks of metal. The liquid metal is then poured into a mold that makes a smaller block. That smaller block ...

TIL listening to metal music can give you heavy metal poisoning

It's because of the lead singer.

Ever hear about the guy who ate metal ingots at a pub?

He had bar stools.

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