What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?

You become Megadeaf

I don't tell jokes about metal

They're too ironic

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What do porn and heavy metal have in common?

Both used to have a lot more hair back in the 70's and 80's

I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.

It was a *huge* ore chasm.

Looking to join a Heavy Metal band...

...I play the lead guitar.

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My girlfriend is a metal fan

The last time when we had sex, she got turned on and chopped my dick off

What do you call a metal head who’s into banging fat chicks?

Down with the Thiccness

A detective goes to a metal manufacturing plant...

He is there to investigate the death of a factory owner. The man was an esteemed author and visionary, who unfortunately was crushed to death in his factory. The detective approaches a worker for information.

“What was the product of this facility?”

“The owner loved words, and was obs...

Heavy Metal Icon Rob Halford abandoned fame to live as a monk in a Tibetan monastery...

Buddhist Priest.

What did the Janitor call his safety warning inspired metal band?

Slip not.

I'm in a Medieval-themed metal band

We're called "Bards of Prey."

I used to have a pair of shoes made of a lightweight metal.

I called them my tinny shoes.

What is Santa’s favorite metal band?

Sleigh-er.

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What do metal heads do when they masturbate?

They slipnut

A man is a millionaire from buying metal rods and reselling them

His friend asks "how do you buy them for so cheap allowing you to make 7 figure salary?"

The man replies "I'm just good at bar gaining"

Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded.

There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

What you say when a heavy metal artist die?

Rust in peace

A weird little German kid just handed me a bunch of yellow metal

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder

As a metal worker, I always get blamed for passing gas....

Because whoever smelt it, dealt it.

I came up with this while welding a base for a table.

There was two windmills in a field

One asked the other “What type of music do you like?”

The other replied “Well I’m a big metal fan”

A plastic bucket vs. a metal bucket . . .

Pails in comparison

Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal.

Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.

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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

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Gus the Accountant

Gus has been doing accountancy for like 35 years and he's sick of it.

So Gus decides he wants some adventure in his life, so he's going to become a prospector.

Everyday he studies geology, he learns how to drive a big truck and operate an excavator and he starts selling up everything h...

Why do shovels hate digging up metal?

Because of the irony
I guess you couldn’t handle the joke
I’m gonna dig up some more
I’ll spade you of any more puns
If you couldn’t handle that you’re a tool
This is comedy gold!
Please don’t steel the joke
I’m probably just digging my own grave with this joke

Where does wire wool come from?

Sheep metal (my apologies)

I'm thinking of creating a new heavy metal band.

Osmium should do it.

I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.

Riveting stuff.

I don’t think wind turbines like classical music.

I hear they’re big metal fans, though.

[NSFW] A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

After handing his the keys, the sales man hands him a jar of Vaseline and says “if you want to keep the fender looking shiny you will want to rub some Vaseline on the fenders before it rains. It’...

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The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter wha...

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My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

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Two rednecks are at work, digging a trench

Two rednecks, Billy and Bob, are at work digging a trench. The sun is beating down on them, sweat is dripping off their faces, and their hands are blistered from the shovels.

After slogging away at this for days, they start to grumble at the misery of their lot. Eventually Billy says to Bob,...

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.

I said ether/ore.

How do you describe a person's breath that smells like metal coins?

Minted fresh

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What did Himmler tell Hitler when they had too many metal ores to use?

Mine fewer.

I tried to impress a girl recently by putting the pedal to the metal

Turns out she had seen a bin open that way before

My bank just released a card that rewards me with precious metals like gold and silver when I spend money!

They’re calling it the Creddit Card.

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?

Because it has rust issues!

A captain in the navy is assigned a new post on a submarine.

As he explores his new vessel, he notices that almost everything is falling apart with varying degrees of rust.

He decides to check the hull, and sees plates of metal with varying dates, some of which seem to come from before world war 2.

He decides to ask someone in his crew if they k...

I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

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Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.

Chuckling to Himself abou...

What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

I thought I saw a sheet of metal working out

It was just a curling iron

What kind of security do they hire for metal concerts?

Coppers

I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics.

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids.

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

Karen walks into a heavy metal bar...

"Ow" Karen exclaimed,"that hurt"

A man comes home after a long day at work...

He walks up to his bedroom and noticed next to the feet of his wife under the sheets, there are another pair of legs.

Out of anger he picks up his metal bat and viciously murders his wife and her lover.

As he was fleeing the scene, he found his wife sleeping on the couch.

She go...

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

[Political] What's a pro-choicer's favorite metal band?

Dying Fetus

What do you get when you mix multiple metals and a reptile

An alloy-gator

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I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

Ever wondered why there's no metal-made toilets?

Ask George R.R. Martin.

What did the Blacksmith say to his apprentice after hammering down the metal bar

"That's upsetting"

I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic.

But thankfully I’m cured.

I’m ex-static!

What do a metal roof and a woman have in common?

If you don't screw enough she'll wind up at the neighbor's

Two metal heads don't marry

They weld

I just watched the World Heavy Metal Knitting Championship in Finland.

It was pretty knots!

I have a friend who's partially made of metal

Guess you can call him my alloy

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that also makes Christmas music?

They're called sleigh-er

Plastic. Metal. Big red. Ice. Ash. Industrial.

My bucket list.

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

You know, I stole some metal the other day.

I told a good friend of mine, Pewter, and he said 'That's worth a Nickel or two, how'd you get it?'

I told him I stole it and he said 'Well that's ironic, becuase it's steel!'

'

A wind generator in Iowa says asks the wind generator next to him "What is you favorite music?"

The wind generator responds: "Well, I'm a Heavy Metal Fan"

Saw a group of Sikh men jamming out to heavy metal the other day

They were definitely Down With The Sikhness

What language do metallic fruits periodically speak?

Manganese.

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down next to a guy with a peg leg, a metal hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.

He orders a beer, looks at the guy next to him, and asks "What are you supposed to be, a pirate?"

"Yarr, I am" replies the pirate.

"You must have some crazy stories about your leg, your hand, an...

Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “what music do you listen to? I like pop myself”.

The other turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”.

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A man is going on vacation

A man is going on vacation to a far away island and has to fly there. The man wants to bring drugs with him on the flight, but knowing he isn’t allowed he shoves them up his butt in hopes to conceal them. When he is sent through the x-ray scanner, the security agents notice something is wrong. They ...

There used to be big 5 of thrash metal!

One was Suicidal.

I walked into a shop and asked for contraception. The store clerk gave me a huge metal disk instead...

"I'm sorry, but I think there's been a misunderstanding" I said.

The clerk replied "I thought you asked for a condom?"

I nodded

The clerk responds "That's why I gave you a man hole cover"

In the 1980s, Gorbachev was adored by the West...

... But very much hated by his own people. All of Russia despised the man who caved in to the West and weakened the mighty Soviet Union. Many wanted to have his head, even his officials and the KGB.

One day at the Red Square, Gorbachev was giving a speech in front of the public. The KGB deci...

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

What do you call a very well mannered metal guitarist?

A Djentleman

What do you call when a metal shares the negative energy to his non-metal bestfriend?

an ionic bonding moment

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A thief breaks into a house...

As he is looting the house, he realizes that the home owner returned, so he decided to hide.

As he is looking for a hiding spot he find four large metal containers with various things in them, he hides in the last one and waits for the owner to leave again.

As the owner returned he kno...

Metal medal

There was once an extremely handsome, gorgeous doctor Jones. Apart from his good looks he was extremely skilled. One day, he was the only doctor in the hospital, and yet he still managed to tend to and medicate every single patient who needed his help! The community decided to recognize his achievem...

Imagine you're a slug of metal rolling down a conveyor belt. A massive die drops on you and you're stamped into a shiny, perfect coin...

Are you moved and impressed?

What do you get when you cross nu metal with professional networking?

LinkedIn Park

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagi...

A man goes hiking

He brings with him a backpack with a water pouch for easy hydration and, as a back-up, a metal straw that had a filter so he could drink from any body of water he wanted.


After a couple of hours he realizes that he is already out of water. Being the conservative drinker he was, he figured...

I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

I scared a German the other day

I was in Berlin at a beer garden, so I decided to get a brew in one of their traditional mugs (with the metal tippy cap). After the beer, I got hungry and went for a sausage. The guy was horrified when I told him to save a plate and just put the sausage in my mug. I guess Germans really are afraid o...

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Why was a piece of scrap metal liked by everyone?

Because it was ex-scythe-thing.

I paid $3 for a block of metal yesterday

It was really quite the steel

#1 Tip for both fastening metal together and streakers:

Pull out your nuts and bolt

If you ever wonder what kind of music windmills like

I can guarantee you that they are huge metal fans

What kind of music do chiropractors like?

Hip hop.

What kind of music does the grim reaper like? Death metal and Soul.

I'm sorry.

What’s a police officer’s favorite metal?

Copper.

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