My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is through the roof and that he's going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution.

I told him my door is always open.

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren’t sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

“Wow” said someone in the back. “Imagine the score he co...

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look con...

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives.

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans.

The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

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Two 5 yr old twin brothers are laying in bed one night discussing how to act more grownup around mom and dad.

Suddenly one of the brothers says, "why don't we curse like grownups"? The other brother says, "great idea, what should we say". "I'll curse like daddy and say Aw Hell". "Oooh, good one I'll say You bet your sweet ass like mom says". They decide to surprise their mom the next morning at breakfast an...

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

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My teacher failed me in SexEd because I didn't want to discuss the subject.

Worst part of homeschooling...

Two Philosophers and a YouTuber Meet in the Dead of Night to Discuss their Darkest Secrets

They begin by releasing their darkest secrets in exchange for more secrets. After each of them let out their darkest secrets, the YouTuber asks for a break.

The philosophers tell him that he can take a break, so the YouTuber wanders off while the philosophers remain at the table. With just th...

Scott Morrison was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Morrison if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs o...

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked...

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

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Three guys discuss whose wife is the most stupid.

"Mine bought a kitchen for $10,000 - and she cannot even cook!"

"Yeah, mine bought a car for $20,000 - and she cannot drive!"

"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 100 condoms for a business trip - and she does not even have a penis!"

I'm starting a group to play basketball and then discuss philosophy

It's called "shoot first, ask questions later"

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Three women are sat at a bar, discussing the damage done by childbirth

Three women are sitting at a bar, all discussing life post childbirth. They get into a heated debate regarding who has the most stretched up pussy. Woman one claims that post childbirth she’s able to fit 4 fingers into it.

“That’s nothing!” Claimed woman 2, who proceeds to disclose she’d bee...

The Pope discussing the existence of god with an out and out atheist

As the discussion goes on it gets more and more heated and at one point the annoyed Pope hollers -

"You are like a man who is totally blindfolded in a dark room looking for a black cat that is not there"

And the fella said,
"With all respect, Your Holiness, I think there is a great...

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
...

Three pastors were discussing how they decide how much of the contribution of believers is allocated to God and to the activities of the church, and how much of it is for their personal benefits.

The first said: “it is simple, I just put everything on the table, close my eyes, and prays. After the prayer, I toss everything in the air, whatever lands on the table is for God, and whatever falls on the floor is for my personal use. The second said: “instead of a table, I draw a circle around ...

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

Governor DeSantis and Raul Castro are walking on a beach in Miami discussing immigration policy.

Castro stumbles on something, but DeSantis picks it up. It's a magic lamp! The genie pops out and decides
they each get one wish.

DeSantis goes first goes first. "Build an indestructible 50 ft wall all around Florida. That will keep the Cubans, Mexicans, and storm surges out." No soon...

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The leaders of the free world gather to discuss the problems of a struggling nation

The French start: "The Age of Enlightenment started here. We'll help spread progressive ideas."

The Germans follow: "We have a very stable economy, we'll help lower national debt."

The Japanese join in: "Our scientist are the best in the world. We pledge to help battle the spreading di...

A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening. They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.

EDIT; Thank you for all the awards, I guess I pasta test!

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one

"Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

A professor and his student were discussing Newtons Laws of motion...

They were having a conversation of momentum.

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A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

The man says, “D.D.D.D.D. Doctor. I.I.I.I. I can’t stop st.st.st. stuttering. P.P.P.P.P. Please help.”

After a thorough exam, the doctor tells the man, “We’ve found that your penis is 14 inches long and weighs 3 pounds. The strain of t...

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into...

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were in their obstetrician's waiting room discussing their pregnancies.

The brunette said she was certain she was going to have a boy, because she was on top when she got pregnant!

The red head said she was certain she was going to have a girl because she was in the missionary position when she got pregnant!

All of a sudden the blonde burst into tears. Bet...

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Experienced vs Less Experienced Nurse Discussion

Older Nurse talking to younger collogue: "Did you see the man in Rm 14? He has 'Adam' tattooed on his penis."

Younger prettier nurse: "It says Amsterdam."

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

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Two men were discussing their favorite sex styles

Man 1: I usually go doggy style or cowgirl. It’s just the easiest for me.

Man 2: Then you never had it in machinists style. You gotta try that it’s the best.

Man 1: What do you do in the machinist style?

Man 2: Screw, nut and bolt.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

Two monks werewere discussing humility.

"I have been praying and fasting, meditating and studying religion for 20 years. I have finally reached the level of humility. I am truly a nothing." said one monk.

The other monk nodded gravely. "I too have spent my life devoted to serving God. I am also a nothing."

At that moment a j...

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The ole cowboy

An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would yo...

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A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men...

The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The gener...

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Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on. From Todays GCFL

Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on.


The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Eve...

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...

Batman invited all the superheros to an evening discussing bitcoin investments

Superman didn't go because it was a crypto-night.

A teenage boy passes his driving test ...

.. asked his father when he would discuss using the car.

His father said he was making a deal with his son, "You raise your grade from C to B average, learn your Bible a little, and cut your hair. Then let's talk about the car."Decided and they agreed to it.

About six weeks later, his ...

I went to the doctor to get a vasectomy.

The doctor said, "This a really big decision you know. Have you discussed it with your wife and kids?”

I said, "Yes, they’re in favor 14 to 3.."

three men were sitting in a prison in moscow

they discuss why they were arrested
the first one says ”I showed up ten minutes late to work and was arrested for sabotage”
the second one says “I showed up five minutes early to work and was arrested for espionage”
the third one says “I showed up to work on time and was arrested for ownin...

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A jew, a black guy and a redneck are stranded on a desert island.

A jew, a black guy and a redneck are stranded on a desert island. They've been there for a few weeks, they're running out of food and their signal fire was extinguished by a freak storm.

Then one day, the jew returns to the others from scavenging and takes the various things he found out of a...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife...

Two dwarf brothers are walking home with one girl each...

Two dwarf brothers are walking home with one girl each, to do you know what.
The first dwarf goes to a room and gets in bed with one of the girls, but things don't go their way and after a while they give up. But the first dwarf can clearly hear the second dwarf yelling: "I'm coming, I'm coming!...

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster:

The Great Composers!
"I wanna be Beethoven," said Stallone.
"I gotta be Mozart," retorted Willis.
"What about you, Arnie?" they asked....

Two elitist gamers meet each other and discuss their favorite online games

Gamer 1: "You play WoW? LoL"

Gamer 2: "You play LoL? WoW"

Guy and his comforter.

A newly married guy from a village went back to the city for his job. He went alone so that he could make living arrangements for him and his wife and then he'd take his wife as well. Once he got a decent apartment, he wrote a letter to his father in the village saying that father, please send my wi...

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven (flagging it NSFW just in case)

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

An Indonesian ambassador and a Polish ambassador are meeting in America to discuss international relationships when the American embassy worker gets confused.

"Their country flags are so similar and confusing," the American embassy worker thought to himself, "How can I tell the Indonesian flag and the Polish flag apart?"

"Is the white strip located above the red stripe?" The embassy worker asked the ambassadors.

"Tak" replied the ambassadors...

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A nun and a priest were travelling across the desert...

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of waiting,...

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A couple goes to therapy

A couple goes to therapy to discuss their issues.

The therapist asks. So, why are we here today?

The husband quickly try to explain.

So what happened was, that I was cleaning up in the kitchen, while putting something away I spilled a bunch of dried herbs all over the place. My...

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Four surgeons are discussing their favorite patients to work on.

The first surgeon to speak says "librarians are my favorite; when you cut them open, everything inside is alphabetical filed."

The next surgeon replies "I prefer to work on accountants, because everything is in numerical order."

The third surgeon rebuttles "electricians are the best, w...

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about.

Terrorist: We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.

Waiter: Why a donkey?

Then one terrorist says to the other, “See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people”.

Two old women are discussing the disgusting habits of their husbands.

"Even after all these years, my husband will not stop biting his nails," the first woman explains.
"My husband had the same habit," the second woman explained, “but I fixed that. I just hid his teeth."

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”


Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife w...

Kermit the Frog is in an interrogation room and refuses to say anything.

Two interrogators are discussing what to do. One of the men excitedly turns to the other and says, "shove your hand up his ass, that'll make him talk!"

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[NSFW] Three men are discussing their sex lives

James said "My sex life is amazing! I have threesomes every day."

Jack said "Lucky you. I'm stuck with twosomes."

They both turn to John expectantly. "So John, how is your sex life?"

John thought for a while, then said "Wholesome, I guess."

A hunter on vacation

He had travelled far from the city and into the country side, and payed a man to hunt deer on his grounds. After many hours he saw the biggest deer he had ever seen, just on the boundary to the neighbouring farm.

He decided to shoot and he hit the deer. However it staggered onto the neighbour...

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I was trying to discuss dihorrhea medications with my friends

It ended shortly after they started talking crap.

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A rich man and his butler discuss what they’re getting their wives for Valentine’s Day

The butler asks the rich man, “what are you getting your wife?”

The man says,”I’m going to get her a Range Rover and a pair of diamond earrings!”

The butler was impressed but asked, “why two gifts for your wife, sir?”

“So she can wear her diamond earrings while driving her Range...

Real happiness

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing the meaning of real happiness


The English said "real happiness is reading a good book on a rainy night with a hot cup of tea by your side"

The Frenchman said : "non mon ami, real happiness is to meet a beautiful girl make lov...

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A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one afternoon discussing who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to philosophy.

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the G...

Three guys were sleeping on a single mattress

When they wake up the guy on the left whispers to the other two, "Dudes, I just had a dream I was getting a handjob...It was friggin awesome."

Then the guy on the right says, "Get outta here! I had a handjob dream too!"

While they high fived and discussed the odds, the guy in the cente...

Three foetuses in a uterus. Two of them want to have a private discussion. Where do they go?

A breakout womb.

A smoking room in a big tech corporation

A smoking room in a big tech corporation (because the equipment is so fragile and sensitive that smoking is not allowed nearby). A lot of smoke and talk - circuits, chips, boards, punch cards and so on.

Then a young technician suddenly says, "Why we're always talking about tech things only? W...

Daryl was sitting in his house when came a loud knock on his door. He went to the door and a salesman was standing there with an unfamiliar object in his hand. “What’s that?” asked Daryl. “It’s a Thermos.”

Intrigued, Daryl asked, “What does it do?”

Shifting into the sales pitch he said, “This little jewel is amazing. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

After some discussion Daryl purchased one thinking it would really help with his lunch situation at work. The next day he arr...

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Two old men discuss their sex lives. (Long)

Mort and Saul meet every two weeks in the park and one day Mort says so, how's with you? Saul says Not so good, my sex life is not so good. What's wrong Mort asks. I haven't had sex in a long time Saul says. To which Mort says you should go see this hooker I know and ask for the bagel treatment. Wh...

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Doctor breaking the news

A patient is at the doctors office, it is the end of his appointment and he is discussing the results with his doctor. The doctor says: “Why don’t you go downstairs to the vending machine and buy yourself a drink on me, this next bit of news might be tough to hear.” The doctor rummages around his po...

Girls who discuss about girl's problems are great

But girls who discuss about environmental problems are Greta.

Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.

DiCaprio says, “I’ll be the lead actor.”

Clooney says, “I guess I’ll be the director.”

McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories

After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

Three men are discussing what they think is the fastest thing in the world

The first man says “The fastest thing in the world is a thought... I think something and pops into my head”

The second man says “The fastest thing in the world is light... I turn on the light switch and the room lights up instantly”

The third man thinks for a second and says “you are b...

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At a conference a sex therapist was discussing his book Sex in a Marriage

The therapist asked the audience “how many couples have sex daily” about 20% of the audience raised their hands

then he asked “how many couples have sex weekly”about 30% raised their hands

then he asked “how many couples have sex monthly” the remaining audience raised their hands
...

Two men are discussing how they'll reach a lightbulb that needs to be changed.

Man 1: would you like the ladder or the step stool?

Man 2: I prefer the ladder.

Man 1: ok, step stool it is.

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Two guys are sitting at a bar discussing what they got their wives for Christmas

“I got Sheila a nice pearl necklace from that new jewelry store down the street. I think she’ll like it. What did you get Angie?”

“Well I got her two things this year. I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.”

“Why’d you get her two things? Don’t you guys usually just do one?”

...

A politician who did absolutely nothing good or bad in his life died... God and Satan are discussing what to do with him. God says "He's done nothing great in his life, so he cant possibly go to heaven."

Satan responds "Well, he did nothing to deserve eternal damnnation either."
So they let the man spend one day in each heaven and hell to decide where he wanted to spend eternity.
In heaven, the politician spends the entire time sitting in a comfortable chair, fighting to stay awake as angels f...

A rabbi, a priest and an imam discuss about what they do with the money their community put into their offering bag.

The rabbi says “I draw a small circle onto the ground, then I throw all the money into the air. The coins that land in the circle I keep for myself. The rest is for Jehovah and the synagogue”

The imam replies “I do almost the same. I draw a big circle onto the group, throw the money and every...

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Grave side discussion.

A man goes into his back yard to relax and enjoy some sun. As he is about to sit down he hears some crying coming from the other side of the fence. He goes and looks over, seeing the neighbors little girl crying as she finishes shoveling the last bit of dirt into a hole.

‘Sorry, but I heard ...

I had a heated discussion with an art historian yesterday

We disagreed on whether I ordered curly fries or mozzarella sticks with my burger

A man, a terrible worrier and procrastinator, is sitting with his doctor, anxiously discussing the results of a medical...

After an hour or more of waiting and hesitating and prevaricating and generally delaying the inevitable, finally the man draws a deep breath.

"Look doc - my chances - can't you tell me without telling me?"

The doctor looks at him in surprise. "What do you mean?"

Well," says the...

I was discussing my final wishes with my adult children when I said "Regarding disposition of my ashes ...

I have no burning desires about what you do with them"

(This actually happened tonight IRL, and it was not a Dad Joke, just an inadvertent pun)

Internet Discussion

user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE!

user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock.

user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

Three sons left home, went out into the business world and all prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Lexus with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how much Mom enjoys reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the enti...

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3 men decided to take a walk down a nature trail

They all had long work weeks and just wanted some peace and quiet. After some walking together, the trail branched off into 3 separate paths. They discuss what they wanted to do next and decided they all wanted some alone time, and that the paths would meet back up anyways. They go their seperate wa...

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Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

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Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.

"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"

"Yes we have, it was easy," re...

Three gentlemen were discussing about the oldest job in the world...

A doctor, an electrical engineer and a lawyer were talking about who had the most ancient profession.

The doctor said: "Well, god was the first doctor, for he created life itself, so my profession is the oldest!"

The electrical engineer replied: "But wait, before that, God said 'may t...

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I got into a discussion with my coworker today about surnames. How they originated from what people were known for. Smith, shoemaker, etc.

Well my great great great great great great grandfather's name was Horace P. Horsefucker.
He got a bad rap. It was consensual...though the horse said neigh.

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So I did some research...

and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...

Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.

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Two rednecks discussing the election

Jimmy Bob: I don't believe Biden won by those margins. I voted, my wife voted, my sister voted, my aunt voted, and my daughter voted!

Bobby Jim: Dang, and y'all still lost?

Jimmy Bob: You betcha, our two votes didn't count for shit.

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Two guys in a bar discuss their occupations

Guy 1 - What's your job?

Guy 2 - I work in construction. How about yours?

Guy 1 - I'm a chicken farmer.

Guy 2 - Oh I see. What kind of tasks does that involve?

Guy 1 - Well, just yesterday, I filmed two gorgeous women having sex and put it on my porn business website.<...

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A divorced man and a vet walk into a bar

They start discussing about their lifes.
The divorced man rants
" My first wife was a bitch who only cared about my money.
My second wife was a bitch who only cared about herself.
My third wife was a bitch who only cared about my dick size."

The vet replies
"bitches huh, tell ...

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Mickey meets with his lawyer to discuss getting a divorce from Minnie

The lawyer looks over Mickey's requested divorce terms for the house no alimony.

"Mickey I just don't think you have a case you can't divorce Minnie just because she's a little odd"


Mickey turns to his lawyer and says "I didn't say she was odd I said she was fucking Goofy"*

...

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Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except  Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm s...

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a "Living Will"

Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer

Fastest thing in the Universe

Three scientists were discussing what was the fastest thing in the universe.

"Light! Light is the fastest thing in the Universe. You turn the light switch and light comes instantly!", said the first one.

"No, you are wrong", said the second one. "Thought is fastest. You think and it's ...

After a long day at a conference a group of weary professionals met up at a famous bar.

After much discussion of the awesome array of gins, vodkas, whiskeys, wines, imported beers and ales, everybody ordered alcohol except for one guy. He ordered a cup of coffee.

One of his companions asked him "no offense, but why aren't you drinking?" The coffee drinker said, "I'm a recover...

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A Soviet Strip Club

In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow


They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.

The Americans look around for a m...

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A daughter takes her old father to a retirement home

A daughter takes her old father in a wheelchair to a retirement home for the first time. The nurse, expecting their arrival, greets them with, "Welcome to the Johnson family retirement home! We think you'll feel quite at home here! Please follow me and I'll show you around." The nurse pushes the...

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Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONT...

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I walked out of my Sex Ed class when they started discussing masturbation

I found it to be a very touchy subject.

Two men are discussing a business transaction.

Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"

Seller: "You mean a choir?"

Buyer: \**visibly frustrated*\* "Fine, how much does it cost to *acquire* a singing ensemble?"

A Russian cosmonaut and a Russian brain surgeon were discussing religion.

A Russian cosmonaut and a Russian brain surgeon were discussing religion. The brain surgeon was a Christian but the cosmonaut was an atheist. The cosmonaut said, "I've been out in space many times but I've never seen God or angels." The brain surgeon said, "And I've operated on many clever brains bu...

The Pope and an Athiest discuss God

The Pope and an atheist decided to debate the existence of God. At first the debate was reasonable and reasoned, but after some time it became more and more heated; until finally the Pope snapped at the Atheist:

"How can you deny the existence of the Almighty when you can see the mystereies ...

Two Chinese guys are sitting somewhere in Hongkong, discussing about their country's politics.

yeah that's actually the joke

Complicated Concept!

A professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does ph...

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Favourite Sex Styles

Two cowboys were discussing about their favorite sex styles
Cowboy 1: My Favorite sex style is doggy style.
Cowboy 2: My favorite sex style is rodeo style.
Cowboy 1: Whats that?
Cowboy 2: Well it starts of just like doggy style.....then grasp her tits from behind and tell "this titties ...

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

A Grandfather just died and his son and his son's wife is discussing where to spread his ashes.

Wife: We should scatter it in the shore of his favorite beach.

Husband: I think we should scatter it in his favorite fishing spot.

Grandchild: I think we should scatter grandfather's ashes by the dam.

Husband and Wife: Why?

Grandchild: Because that's his favorite word.

A rabbit town hall meeting was held to discuss recent events...

A wolf had been coming to the meadow at night, and had killed and eaten a rabbit every night for the past week. They decided to put a watchrabbit on watch. When the wolf came, the watchrabbit would shout "wolf", and they would all hide. Naturally, they chose Roger, who the best eyesight.

Unfo...

I hate comments

They discuss me

A group of fans are discussing their favorite band members

The newest fan of the group can’t decide whether they like the guitarist or vocalist more. Both are hot and both are great musicians.

One of the older fans chimes in, “Well, then consider who’d be better in bed.”

Confused, they respond,” How do I do that?”

“Do you prefer someone...

[NSFW] Two women are discussing about their husbands...

Woman 1- It's been such an awfull week, first I burned my hand on the stove and then I found out my husband is 100% impotent.

Woman 2- What do you mean by 100% ?

Woman 1- Well... His dong isn't working anymore.

Woman 2- Relax, my husband is 300% impotent, you're doing fine.
<...

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Two men are sitting in the pub discussing who has the laziest son...

"My son...", says the first "... is so lazy, that when I sent him three minutes down road to the chip shop to get a couple bags of fish and chips with a twenty pound note and told him he could keep the change- the lazy bugger still wouldn't go."
"That's nothing..." says the second, "...I got in l...

Two European frogs discuss their ancestry

"So, are you a complete french frog?"

"No. I'm a tad-pole."

An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer are discussing the nature of God

"God is an electrical engineer" says the EE. "Look at the nervous system! It's all electrical impulses."

"Nonsense," says the ME. "God's a mechanical engineer. Look at the muscles and bones. That's mechnical engineering."

The civil engineer demurs.

"God is a civil engineer. Who ...

Never discuss the concept of Infinity with a mathematician

they can go on about it forever.

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" an...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

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The Medicran (long)

Fair warning: I heard this from my Dad years ago, so…dad joke ahead. Consider yourself warned.

Long ago, a tribe of the northlands was being savaged by the fearsome Medicran. A council of the tribes elders, after some discussion decided something needed to be done. They charged the tribe’s b...

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Therapists only want one thing

and it's fucking discussing.

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