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Discuss Jokes

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

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Three guys discuss whose wife is the most stupid.

"Mine bought a kitchen for $10,000 - and she cannot even cook!"

"Yeah, mine bought a car for $20,000 - and she cannot drive!"

"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 100 condoms for a business trip - and she does not even have a penis!"

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

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Husband and wife are discussing ways to improve their sexual communication.

Wife says, “If you want to have sex, touch my left breast. If you don’t want to have sex, touch my right breast.”

Husband replies, “Ok. And if you want to have sex, touch my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, touch my penis two hundred times.”

Two men are discussing habits.

The first man says, "Do you smoke?"

The second man replies, "Why of course, two joints a day! Why do you ask?"

The first man says, "Well how much do they cost?"

The second man says, "Only 20 each!"

"And how long have you been smoking?"

"A few years, why?"

"S...

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?" asked the one.

"Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

A Rabbi and his friend, a Catholic priest, were having a discussion

when the rabbi asked "Could you ever be promoted withing your church?"

The priest responded, "Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop."

The rabbi asked, "And then?"

The priest though for a second and responded, "Well, then I might become a cardinal."

The rabbi again aske...

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.

The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone. I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too, I hardly use the home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I use the cell phone given to me b...

Three engineers were discussing who created the human body.

The mechanical engineer said “Clearly it was a mechanical engineer. Look at all the joints, levers and moving parts.”

“No” said the electrical engineer, “Look at the wired central nervous system and brain to process everything.”

The civil engineer said “You are both wrong. It was a civ...

Two men, both new to the town, was discussing their new home.

"What a strange place," said one of them. "I went to check out the stock exchange yesterday, and it turned out to be all about soups and sauces. Very disappointing."

"You think that's disappointing?" replied the other. "I went to check out the brothel!"

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner....

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean...

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin…

“The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.”

After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news…

“A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland…”

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Donald Trump was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”.

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs ove...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look con...

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Women are discussing their sex life.

- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it’s going to be when it’s ready.

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A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men...

The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The gener...

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Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you si...

A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening. They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.

EDIT; Thank you for all the awards, I guess I pasta test!

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Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONT...

Three men are discussing Adam and Eve

The Frenchman says "Adam and Eve must be French. They are beautiful, and naked, and have all the world's beauty before them."

The Englishman says "Not at all. They are residing in the most beautiful, perfect Garden. They must be English."

The Russian says "They are without clothes, ...

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

A man goes to discuss his test results with his doctor.

The doctor enters and tells the man, "I have good news and bad news."

The man asks to hear the good news first.

"You're going to have a disease named after you."

Two friends are discussing...

"Look, I have this thing going," says John. "I fell in love with our pastor's wife so we're having an affair. I haven't seen her for few days and I'm urging to do so. Could you be a buddy and keep our pastor occupied while I... go do the thing?"


His friend, Bill, reluctantly agrees. It's ...

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A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

The man says, “D.D.D.D.D. Doctor. I.I.I.I. I can’t stop st.st.st. stuttering. P.P.P.P.P. Please help.”

After a thorough exam, the doctor tells the man, “We’ve found that your penis is 14 inches long and weighs 3 pounds. The strain of t...

The Pope and an Athiest discuss God

The Pope and an atheist decided to debate the existence of God. At first the debate was reasonable and reasoned, but after some time it became more and more heated; until finally the Pope snapped at the Atheist:

"How can you deny the existence of the Almighty when you can see the mystereies ...

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. ...

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village....

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just be...

Is there a right way to discuss mutism?

Hard to say.

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[OC] Three married women are discussing blowjobs.

"My husband always asks for them," the first woman complains, "but I can't stand the taste."

"Make him swallow whole chunks of pineapple," suggests the second woman. "It will change the flavor of his semen."

The third woman perks up at this. "Wait, the taste changes depending on what m...

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Three couples are meeting with their pastor to discuss joining the leadership team.

The pastor told them to be part of the ministry team they must learn sacrifice. To sacrifice their earthly desires. He asks that if they are truly felt lead to be in the ministry they must forgo sexual intimacy for one month. They shared glances all around and agreed, and closed the meeting in pray...

Two women are discussing their love lives

Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."

Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."

"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."

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Three fathers are discussing their son's success.

The first one says "My son started off with very little money, but he is a genius in the stock markets, and became rich just like that! Recently he even bought a friend of his a new Ferrari."

The second one says "That's nothing! My boy started working as a cleaner in a large company, and over...

Two women discuss their husband's...

"My Herbert snores so loud I just can't sleep. I don't know what to do.."
Her friend says, "well I don't know if helps but when our dog snores we tie some laurel around his tail"

It's morning, Herbert wakes up, completely hang over, looks down, sees the laurel wreath down there, calls his ...

DJ Khaled, Dr Dre and Andre 3000 are discussing a new joint project

DJ Khaled says he'll produce

Dr Dre says he'll handle all the performers

Andre 3000 says I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write

Three Aliens are discussing the fate of earth.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

Two businessmen meet up and start discussing their assistants.

Two businessmen meet up and start discussing their assistants.

Businessman 1: You know, my assistant is an idiot.

Businessman 2: Oh, you think that's bad? My assistant is the worst! I haven't seen anyone more stupid than him.

Businessman 1: Let's bet on it. Bring your assistant ...

Two men discuss vasectomies...

First: "I'm thinking about getting a vasectomy, but I'm worried about performance..."
Second:" I had one, I was worried at first but after a while I realized there just wasn't a vas deferens"

Never discuss Infinity with a Mathematician.

They can go on about it forever.

German, American, and Russian discuss their traveling habits.

The German says: "We have very well developed railways, and when going to a neighboring country we take the train."

The American then goes: "Well, my country is very large, and traveling on a train is not efficient. When we are traveling to a neighboring county we fly in a plane".

The ...

It's 1987 and an Englishman and a Frenchman are discussing the Channel Tunnel.

The Frenchman is saying how wonderful it is that this co-operative venture is taking place, and that he never expected the English to go to such trouble to be united to the mainland of Europe.

"Oh that's nothing," says the Englishman, "You should have seen the trouble we had digging the...

Three kids are discussing who has the taller dad...

Tim: My dad is so tall that he can reach the top of a tree!

Bob: Well, my dad is so tall that he can reach the clouds!

Little Johnny: When your father reaches the clouds, does it feel soft?

Bob: I think so...

Little Johnny: Yeah, that's my father's balls.

Joke I heard on a Russian political discussion show.

Do honest politicians exist?
Of course! But they are the most expensive!

Two cannibals are discussing life…

One asks the other who was recently married, “Hey, how’s the married life treating you?”. The other cannibal says, “Not too bad, but my wife doesn’t know how to cook!”. The other cannibal says, “I just got a new cookbook. I’ll loan it to you. Give it a try!”.

A few weeks pass, and the first...

Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo discussion topic...

...now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow

Three engineers are discussing God...

They argue over what kind of engineer God would be. The first engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how the body moves with all its muscles, bones, joints, ligaments and tendons. The amount of coordination it takes to stand upright, walk and run! He's a mechanical engineer."...

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren’t sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

“Wow” said someone in the back. “Imagine the score he co...

"Discussions about identity politics are often unproductive," said my friend.

"You're wrong," I replied. "Look at all the arguments, distrust and frustration they produce."

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The leaders of the free world gather to discuss the problems of a struggling nation

The French start: "The Age of Enlightenment started here. We'll help spread progressive ideas."

The Germans follow: "We have a very stable economy, we'll help lower national debt."

The Japanese join in: "Our scientist are the best in the world. We pledge to help battle the spreading di...

Three Engineers are Discussing God

So, three engineers are sitting around a table at lunch, discussing God.

The first engineer says, "I think God must be a mechanical engineer." and proceeds to explain in depth how only a mechanical engineer could've built the muscle and skeletal system to work so beautifully together.
...

I'm starting a group to play basketball and then discuss philosophy

It's called "shoot first, ask questions later"

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Two dudes discuss another dude's sister, who has a rare congenital condition.

\- Haven't you heard, she has no vagina!

\- No fucking way!

\- That's right!

My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals...

and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."

A rabbit town hall meeting was held to discuss recent events...

A wolf had been coming to the meadow at night, and had killed and eaten a rabbit every night for the past week. They decided to put a watchrabbit on watch. When the wolf came, the watchrabbit would shout "wolf", and they would all hide. Naturally, they chose Roger, who the best eyesight.

Unfo...

Zelensky and Putin meet in Belarus to discuss a possible armistice when a suddenly a bomb goes off

There is a lot of confusion and when security finally manages to get to the presidents, both of them are in a horrible shape and need to be put in an artificial coma.

After 10 years, they both wake up in the hospital and are visibly confused. No doctor or nurse was around, so they decide to p...

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away."

The second lady said, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can't remember whether I was on ...

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Two old men discuss their sex lives. (Long)

Mort and Saul meet every two weeks in the park and one day Mort says so, how's with you? Saul says Not so good, my sex life is not so good. What's wrong Mort asks. I haven't had sex in a long time Saul says. To which Mort says you should go see this hooker I know and ask for the bagel treatment. Wh...

Two elitist gamers meet each other and discuss their favorite online games

Gamer 1: "You play WoW? LoL"

Gamer 2: "You play LoL? WoW"

A pair of cannibals were discussing their recent meals

One said "I found some Catholic monks when I was in the woods; took home the meat and boiled it up. Tasted TERRIBLE!"

The other said "Idiot. You don't boil monks- those are friars!"

Girls who discuss about girl's problems are great

But girls who discuss about environmental problems are Greta.

Two European frogs discuss their ancestry

"So, are you a complete french frog?"

"No. I'm a tad-pole."

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I lost my penis in an accident and they took me to the hospital.

The doctor said "don't worry we have a range of penises we can surgically attach. We have small, medium and big. They all cost £10,000. I'll leave you to discuss it with your wife" 20 minutes later the doctor comes back in and asks for a decision.
"I've discussed it with my wife and we've decide...

This is a discussion about the safety of 4-wheelers/ATVs.

I'm sick and tired of hearing about the deaths and serious injuries related to these vehicles. In fact, if you plot those terrible outcomes against speed and operator inexperience, you can see that those events are clustered in the top right corner of the graph.


In other words, this is a ...

I’ve been trying to lure people to discuss which Liam Neeson movie is the best…

But no one’s Taken debate.

I don't like discussing sunglasses with other people....

I find it to be a very polarizing subject

The entire neighborhood got together to discuss what to do about that crazy guy on our street ...

... I'm a bit annoyed that I was the only one not invited.

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My teacher failed me in SexEd because I didn't want to discuss the subject.

Worst part of homeschooling...

After a long discussion and practical evaluation, my wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids...

We’ll be telling them tomorrow, after dinner.

Two Urologists were discussing the results of a scan...

"These images look very similar, but if you you look closely you can see there's a vas deferens."

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I was trying to discuss dihorrhea medications with my friends

It ended shortly after they started talking crap.

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Let's discuss nuclear power

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What w...

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Two guys in a bar discuss their occupations

Guy 1 - What's your job?

Guy 2 - I work in construction. How about yours?

Guy 1 - I'm a chicken farmer.

Guy 2 - Oh I see. What kind of tasks does that involve?

Guy 1 - Well, just yesterday, I filmed two gorgeous women having sex and put it on my porn business website.<...

A group of seniors were sitting at a table together at Starbucks, discussing their ailments.

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! W...

Three Engineers are Discussing God

The structural engineer says "I think God must've been a structural engineer. The musculoskeletal system is perfectly designed to allow us to walk upright."

The electrical engineer says "Interesting, but you are obviously wrong. God is an electrical engineer. The nervous system is so compl...

True story: my org is discussing the new name for our next project...

Our current project "Servicing 2" is finishing soon. There is discussion around naming the next version, and "Servicing X" came from a "trendy" exec. I mentioned a good abbreviation could be "ServX". I'm waiting for either a commendation or a write-up.

Two lice meet after many years and discuss about their lives.

The first one looks very healthy, while the other one is very sick.

"You look terrible", says the first one. "Why is that?".

"Well, I live in the mustache of a Harley Davidson motorcyclist, who rides all the time and the cold wind makes me get sick. How about you? You look so healthy"....

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Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except  Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm s...

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is through the roof and that he's going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution.

I told him my door is always open.

I learned the hard way not to discuss politics around a lazy Susan

All of a sudden the whole table just turned on me

Two men are discussing a business transaction.

Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"

Seller: "You mean a choir?"

Buyer: \**visibly frustrated*\* "Fine, how much does it cost to *acquire* a singing ensemble?"

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

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Mickey meets with his lawyer to discuss getting a divorce from Minnie

The lawyer looks over Mickey's requested divorce terms for the house no alimony.

"Mickey I just don't think you have a case you can't divorce Minnie just because she's a little odd"


Mickey turns to his lawyer and says "I didn't say she was odd I said she was fucking Goofy"*

...

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The mayor is worried about juvenile crime in the city, so he orders various groups to do something about it. Half a year later, they meet to discuss their results.

"We reached out to local schools and started youth programs to keep children busy and educate them on better behaviour. Our studies show that crime among participants fell by 15% compared to the control group."

"We increased police presence in affected areas to deter unlawful behaviour. Our o...

Gorbachev and Reagan met to discuss security.

They started to argue about who has the best personal security. Naturally Gorbachev said he does, and Reagan said he does. They were meeting at the Grand Canyon, so they went outside to settle this.
Gorbachev told Reagan, "look". He ordered his security detachment beside him to jump off the canyo...

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An Italian, a Thai and a Jew are discussing lubricants.

The Italian says: "I am using olive oil from an ancient family grove. My wife is so pleased that she continues to shout for 10 minutes after we are done."

The Thai says: "I am using coconut oil made from cocnuts grown on a secret island. My wife is so pleased that she continues to shout for a...

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A snobby young couple was walking through Central Park, discussing their massive credit card and mortgage debt.

As they worried about how to continue their rich lifestyle, a grubby homeless guy appears from behind a bush. He says, “Pssst! hey! I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you let me lick your wife’s boobs.”

The couple were appalled and hurry away. After a few seconds, the wife whispers, “You kn...

My friend used to run a website where he discussed the pros and cons of taking different hallucinogenic drugs.

He was the original trip advisor.

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

Why is the political discussion in Alabama so respectful among the entire population?

It's all relative.

A judge calls opposing council into his chambers . . .

. . . and says "Gentlemen, I've called you here to discuss a very serious matter. Both of you have given me bribes to influence my decision".

The lawyers begin to squirm in their seats.

"Mr. Morgenstern, you have given me $40,000 to rule in your favor, and Mr. Atkinson, you have given ...

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

Two Racehorses Were Discussing Why They Never Win

Racehorse 1: "I don't get it. We eat the best food, have the best training, the best racehorse genes, are so so fast, and yet we never win."

Racehorse 2: "It's heart-breaking, I simply don't understand."

A dog overheard them and said: "If I may interject, I have watched you two closely...

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[NSFW] Three men are discussing their sex lives

James said "My sex life is amazing! I have threesomes every day."

Jack said "Lucky you. I'm stuck with twosomes."

They both turn to John expectantly. "So John, how is your sex life?"

John thought for a while, then said "Wholesome, I guess."

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about.

Terrorist: We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.

Waiter: Why a donkey?

Then one terrorist says to the other, “See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people”.

2 men discussing why they joined the army....

"I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.

The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace."

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Four 'Older' ladies are sitting in the tearoom of an exclusive country club, discussing their families.

Marjorie Puts down her tea and says "I am so proud of my son. He's a respected heart Surgeon. Just last month he performed a transplant on a famous billionaire and, In gratitude, the gentleman gave him a new Porsche sports car"

Mildred addresses her companions. "Of course, I am also very prou...

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Two prostitutes are discussing the hazards of their job

One says, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No, but I've been slung around by the tits."

Two men are discussing how they'll reach a lightbulb that needs to be changed.

Man 1: would you like the ladder or the step stool?

Man 2: I prefer the ladder.

Man 1: ok, step stool it is.

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Try the subreddit

Two golden -agers were discussing their husbands.....

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."

A professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.

A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the...

Two monks werewere discussing humility.

"I have been praying and fasting, meditating and studying religion for 20 years. I have finally reached the level of humility. I am truly a nothing." said one monk.

The other monk nodded gravely. "I too have spent my life devoted to serving God. I am also a nothing."

At that moment a j...

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

Internet Discussion

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An American and a Soviet Russian were discussing the benefits of each country.

The American says "I like America because if I don't like the way things are going, I can walk into the White House, go up to the president's desk, and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running this country'
The Russian says "It's the same in the USSR! If I don't like the way thin...

An elderly lady went to the doctor to discuss her stubborn husband's erectile dysfunction

Upon explaining the situation to the doctor, he told her to take these little blue pills, slip one in his coffee, and he would be good to go in no time. So later that day, the elderly lady and her husband are having coffee and she slips a pill into his without him noticing. Shortly after, he picks u...

I have been meaning to discuss erectile dysfunction with my wife.

But it hasn't come up yet.

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3 elders were discussing issues with their age.

The first man says “60 is the worst age to be. You always feel like you have to pee, but then whenever you go to the toilet, nothing comes out!. It’s so frustrating!”

The second woman says “Ah, that’s nothing. 70 is way worse. I always feel like I have to poop, but whenever I go to the toilet...

So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.

"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.

Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."

The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave...

Three cats discuss which one of them is the laziest...

First cat starts, “I can’t eat food unless my owner chews the food for me and puts it in front of me.”

Second cat responds with a smug smile,
“Hah, that is nothing! My owner has to chew my food then put it in my mouth and even then I don’t swallow the food. He cries and begs in front of m...

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

Presurgery discussions

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the Operating Room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing t...

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "...

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Experienced vs Less Experienced Nurse Discussion

Older Nurse talking to younger collogue: "Did you see the man in Rm 14? He has 'Adam' tattooed on his penis."

Younger prettier nurse: "It says Amsterdam."

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Grave side discussion.

A man goes into his back yard to relax and enjoy some sun. As he is about to sit down he hears some crying coming from the other side of the fence. He goes and looks over, seeing the neighbors little girl crying as she finishes shoveling the last bit of dirt into a hole.

‘Sorry, but I heard ...

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing...

...whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I lik...

Obama and a general are discussing how to attack ISIS

Obama: “We need to get boots on the ground to attack them. Send in soldiers, artillery, and trucks.”

General: “You are forgetting something important sir.“

Obama: “No I am not.”

General: “Tanks, Obama.”

A rabbi and a priest are discussing their dreams

"I dreamt of the jewish heaven the other night" says the priest "It was horrible, a slum overflowing with people! It was chaos, I tell you, all the people talking and walking around! And making so much noise... Thank God I woke up from that nightmare!"

"Interesting" says the rabbi "The other ...

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

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Two men were discussing their favorite sex styles

Man 1: I usually go doggy style or cowgirl. It’s just the easiest for me.

Man 2: Then you never had it in machinists style. You gotta try that it’s the best.

Man 1: What do you do in the machinist style?

Man 2: Screw, nut and bolt.

Discussing sea creatures

"A narwhal is the unicorn of the sea, what other sea creatures have a land counterpart?"

"Well a seahorse is the monkey of the sea"

"What? it's called a sea*horse*! what would you call sea monkeys then?"

"A waste of good money"

Why should white blood cells never discuss God?

Because they would be using the lord's name in vein

An Indonesian ambassador and a Polish ambassador are meeting in America to discuss international relationships when the American embassy worker gets confused.

"Their country flags are so similar and confusing," the American embassy worker thought to himself, "How can I tell the Indonesian flag and the Polish flag apart?"

"Is the white strip located above the red stripe?" The embassy worker asked the ambassadors.

"Tak" replied the ambassadors...

I met with my lawyer to discuss my will...

During the meeting he asked me about funeral arrangements. I told him I was thinking of having an open casket funeral. Remains to be seen.

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