UPJOKE
frontconfrontheadcheeklookvisagecountenanceforeheadnoseeyepresentbrowhumanface upside

Face Jokes

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...
AI Image Generator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than waking up with a dick drawn on your face?

Someone telling you it was traced on.
[edits up: guys i gotta say something - HOLY SHIT MY PHONE EXPLODED FROM REPLIES]
[edits up again: have the credits
https://youtube.com/shorts/hSK1Vyoimps?feature=share this joke was too funny not to tell]

My woman asked me “which one do you like best, my beautiful face or my gorgeous body?

To which I replied: “your self-confidence”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"


She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Once.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wayne Gretzky is going down on his wife, she cums all over his face and says messy eh?

He looks up at her and says loudly no it’s me Wayne.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks “why the long face?”

Horse replies, “The bank denied my home loan because I don’t have stable income.”

My wife woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face.

I love Sharpies.

It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He had a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again......back and forth....in and out.......She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end…

...her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!! I can't park the car!!! You do it, you smug fucking asshole!!!"

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

Who was that?

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Did...did you draw on my face while I was passed out?"

Friend: "Yes, yes I did."

"Why did you draw a dick?"

Friend: "Made me laugh."

"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."

Friend: "Well, I traced it."

"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"

It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the wom...

Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed?

Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

If you see someone drinking a Sierra Mist, punch them straight in the face...

...that's the first rule of Sprite Club.

My wife woke up with a big smile on her face...

I'm not allowed to bring Sharpies to bed any longer.

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Do you look at your wife’s face when you are having sex?”

“I did once and she looked really angry.”


“Why angry?”


“Because she was watching from the window!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks: 'Why the long face?''

The horse, incapable of human speech, shits on the floor and leaves.

It's the First World War, and a French Battalion and a German Battalion face each other in the trenches.

It's a rather slow day, and the Krauts sit bored in their trenches. Then, a young corporal speaks: "We really need to kill more frenchies! What can we do to lure them out?"
A young recruit asks, "What is a typical french name?"
Another answers, "Pierre."
The young recruit gets up, puts his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..

The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"

She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.

He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.

He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
...

PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.

CDC studies have shown they provide no defense

I was trying to figure out why someone would throw a pie in my face.

And then it hit me.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde girl in second grade comes home one day really excited with a large grin on her face,

Running to her mother she says, "Mom!! mom! Today the teacher asked what letter comes after S, and i was the first in class to say T! Is it because I'm smarter?" Her mom sighs, "Yes honey."

The very next day she runs home from school and with a large proud smile on her face she tells her moth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A child is sitting on a park bench, stuffing his face with candy. A middle-aged man walks by, and says to the boy with disgust...

..."Boy, you'll rot your teeth and your mind eating sweets like that."



The boy replies "well, my grandfather lived to 109."


"By eating candy like that?" asks the man.


"No," says the boy. "By minding his own fucking business."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I pissed off some people and they started taking turns to punch me in the face...

That's it. That's the punch line.

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the drive...

Why did Steve Jobs' face always look so calm and collected?

Because he used eye-pads before sleep

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face

The bartender says “why are you so happy?”

The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position...

What did the tornado tell his son when his son faced a hardship?

Dude, just suck it up.

“Hey, do you care if I punch myself in the face?” “No, not at all…

…knock yourself out.”

A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"

"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."

The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"

"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you no...

Face is a four letter word…

But preface is a foreword letter…

Did you hear about the flutist who got hit in the face with a dessert?

He's now called the pie'd piper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could respond, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a little smile, Sally's mother asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty."

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

My wife just shoved a key lime pie in my face and stormed out of the house!

I've been desserted!

I had to take my brother to the hospital after a hornet landed on his face and it swelled up massively.

It didn't sting him, or anything. I was just a little too late with the shovel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I followed Dwayne Johnson for an hour and when he wasn't looking I slapped his arse. He turned around and punched me in the face.

That's what happens when you hit rock bottom.

If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face...

If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother

I hit a clown car once. I faced 10 counts of manslaughter.

Damn autocorrect. I meant man's laughter. Everyone was fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

What do you call a Roman with a hair between his teeth and a smile on his face?

Gladiator

A priest, a drunkard and an engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine. The executioner as the priest if he wants to be face up or down when he meets he fate. The priest says he’d like to die face up looking towards heaven...

... The blade comes down and stops just before the priest’s neck. This is seen as a sign from God and the priest is set free. The drunkard is asked the same question and responds with face up hoping he’ll be saved like the priest. The blade again stops inches from the neck and the drunkard is f...

With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, “What’s that?!”

He whispered, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”

A lawyer walks into a doctor’s office with a huge tumor on his face.



“Why didn’t you come sooner?” asks the doctor.

“To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house,” the tumor says.

Thoughts go out my Mother-in-law. She's been taken to hospital after a bee landed on her face

Luckily she wasn't stung as I was too quick with the spade.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Wonder Woman is laying naked, face down, on a rooftop...

...when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened."

So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off.
<...

I talk a lot about women in my jokes, because let's face it –

if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

Hey, have you heard of the guy with a completely flat face?

No?

I didn't think so, he likes to keep a low profile.

What did the police find after dusting Chris Rocks face after the show?

Fresh Prince

Why was Seal’s face covered in Mexican rice?

Because he was kissed by arroz.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once made the mistake of making fun of a Florida man's wife; he walked up, slapped me in the face, and said...

KEEP MY COUSIN'S NAME OUT YO FUCKIN MOUTH!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were plans to have Chuck Norris's face on Mt. Rushmore

Unfortunately, the plans had to be scrapped because the granite was too soft to make his beard.

The crowd was tense with excitement as the final three Samurai faced off;

After a long day of competing it was the final round of competition to find who was indeed the master swordsman.

In a final challenge the three men had to show their prowess and concentration by slicing the finest of targets, a mere fly.

The first Samurai steps up to the stage a fly is...

I'll never forget the look on the cashier's face...

when she scanned the packet of bird seed, and I asked her if she knew how long it took for the birds to grow once the seeds have been planted.

A Republican walks up to a Democratic with a face mask and say, “do you know what I say to sheep like you?...

Whatever the Republican Party tells me too say.”

I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper, and a very strange look on his face yesterday

I think he may be plotting something.

So my friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character

You should've seen the Luke on her face.

Do look at the funny thing that man's got over his face. Is it a bird cage?

Said the young woman at her first baseball game.

Friend: "Not exactly. It's to keep the fouls out."



Source: 1913 Newpaper

My wife came home with flowers, shoved them in my face and said "Look, peonies!"

I told her I didn't need to go, and even if I did I'd rather not.

My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: ‘You’re on drugs again!!!’ She could be right..

I’m an only child.

A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face and orders a beer.

The bartender brings it and asks him what the problem is. The guy responds, "I dunno. I just feel unhappy and unfulfilled. What do you do when you're unhappy?"

"Well," responded the bartender, "I do a few shots then make mad love to my wife. That always does the trick for me." The sad guy say...

A guy punches a kid in the face.

This resulted in a "minor" injury.

Imagine this, you’re in a queue to be hit in the face

That’s the punch line

They’re running out of face masks in China

No big supplies there.

Jimmy was watching his mum put on face cream. "What's that for?" he asked.

"It's to make me look beautiful," she told him.

After a couple of minutes she started to wipe it off.

"Oh," said Jimmy, "Giving up already?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I’m watching porn, I don’t care if they have big breasts, big butts or a pretty face.

I'm a jack off all traits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So they say a Harriet Tubman's face is going on the $20 bill.

Excellent, I can't wait to start using black people as currency again.

Someone glued a mustache to my face.

I can't pull it off...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?

Having to clean the monitor.

It’s not racist for a white person to put on white face

That’s just clowning around!

Manufacturing of the first coin to enter circulation carrying the image of King Charles is underway at the Royal Mint. As is tradition, Charles faces left on the new 50p

As when it comes to things involving her children, the Queen always looked the other way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They said I have a face that only a mother could love.

But so far none of the mothers in my basement do, I guess I will keep looking.

A man faced execution by firing squad and was asked by the officer in charge if he had any last words...

Safely behind his men, the officer shouted, "SQUAD! PREPARE TO FIRE ON MY MARK! I WILL COUNT DOWN AND GIVE THE ORDER TO FIRE! PRISONER, DO YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS? THREE!"

The prisoner said, "Yes sir, I do."

The officer shouted, "WHAT ARE THEY? TWO!

The prisoner shouted "ABOUT....

I am 110% sure that I am FAR from the first person to think of this joke, but I promise I came by it independently. What did Chris Rock have on his face when he left the Oscars?

Will Smith’s Fresh Prints.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to visit my old hometown the other day and found the house I grew up in. I knocked on the door and asked the owners if I could have a look around. They said "NO!" and closed the door in my face.

My parents can be such jerks sometimes.

A girl told me to blow my load on her face...

But when I tried, it just dribbled out and she started laughing.

I said "Hey! Don't make fun of my shortcomings."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.

His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do ...

Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.

Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all hi...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.