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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug...

“It’s a boy!”, I exclaimed, tears rushing down my face.

It was that precise moment I decided to never visit Thailand again.

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Caught Skinny Dipping

A priest and a rabbi are good friends and one night they get talking about Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. The conversation leads them to try skinny dipping and under the light of the moon, they find themselves in swimming in a lake with their clothes hung from a tree. A car pulls up right next...

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

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What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

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There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

What is the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

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My Pal drew a penis on my face while I was sleeping

I told him he drew it pretty well. He said “thanks I traced it”.

My wife has a new thing. She likes me to blow on her face while we make love...

I'm not a fan

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

Every time you get sick, slap yourself in the face until you get better.

After some time, you'll stop getting sick because your body has been trained that this is bad behaviour.

My friend decided to use balloons to propose to his online girlfriend, but then he met her face to face for the first time.

He immediately popped the question.

Why is the nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the in the scenter.

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A man walks into a bar...

... and says to the bartender “I’ll take a whiskey coke please.”

The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter.

The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.” 

The bartender says “take a bite.”

The man ta...

I bought a racehorse today, I called it “My Face”

I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want a bunch of people shouting “Come on my face”

Where do Egyptians go when they don't want to face reality

De-nile River

Messi's face

when Origi scored his second goal.

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Three school teachers go to the nude beach: the math teacher, the history teacher, and the logics teacher. Suddenly, the female principal goes by them. So the math and history teacher put their newspapers on their private parts, while the logics teacher puts it on his face.

After the principal leaves, the first two ask the logics teacher: Why did you put your newspaper on your face? She clearly saw your junk!

That's the thing! I'm mostly recognised by my face!

I want to get a race horse, and name it My Face.

Just so I can hear people in the stands yell, “Come on, My Face!!”

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‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’

“Now that’s an old one.” The chicken smiled to himself as he looked across the barren road in front of him, the age old question repeating itself in his mind.

On one side, the chicken stood. The other, a lone bar in the middle of nowhere. And yet, at some point, it was once the most bustling ...

My face is so oily

That America tried to invade it

I did an IQ test and when i got the results the doctor in an extremly disturbed face said :

I'm sorry sir your results came back as negative

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Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

How do you wake up Lady Gaga

P-p-p-p-p-poker face

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says 'why the long face?'

The horse said 'my wife has terminal cancer'

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One of them draws a line in the dirt and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”

That was the punchline.

What happened to the guy who got a boombox launched at his face?

He faced the music.

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Did you hear about the guy who had a penis coming out of the middle of his face?

He couldn’t stop blowing his nose.

I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.

Sometimes I lightly run my finger in a circular motion around my lower face..

It’s called *a lip tickle*

Whenever my mom sees me, she just can’t keep a straight face

Since the stroke.

Every time I toss five coins, they would come up on the same face.

Must be a coin-cidence.

What's the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?

Having to clean the monitor.

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

If a boy is washing his face, then he is ready to go somewhere

If a girl is washing her face, then its confirm she's not going anywhere

My friends probably don’t think I would hit them in the face with an obscure vegetable just to get a laugh

Let’s just say they are in for a rutebega’ning

A couple roommates squabble over the only phone charger in the house. One punches the other square in the face. The cops show up.

He is charged with battery.

One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble.

But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"

said Anatoly, aged 6.

I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

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A vampire walks into a vampure bar with his face covered in blood

His friends start going crazy, asking where he got that much blood from.

Knowing they will not let up, thinking his life was at stake, he leads them through valley, into a forest.

"You see that oak tree over there?" he says.

"Yep" reply the others.

"Well I fucking didn't!...

Why did Bruce Willis die with a smile on his face?

Because he died hard.

At the risk of getting egg on my face and being too cheesy.

Omelette au fromage.

A man went to the doctor’s in an awful state. Cuts and bruises to his face and a suspected broken arm.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor.

“It’s my wife, she had one of her dreadful nightmares.”

“Do you mean she did this to you while she was asleep?”

“Oh no, doctor, it was when she shouted out in her sleep, ‘Quick, get out, my husband’s coming home,’ that, without thinking,...

I accidentally stabbed my teacher in the face with a pencil.

I thought I would be in big trouble, but she turned a blind eye.

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"Did...did you draw on my face while I was passed out?"

Friend: "Yes, yes I did."

"Why did you draw a dick?"

Friend: "Made me laugh."

"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."

Friend: "Well, I traced it."

A husband and a wife are shopping

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” says the wife. “There on sale, 24 cans for $10” says the husband. “Put it back we can’t afford it” demands the wife. They continue shopping. A few isles later, the woman picks up a $20 face cream and ...

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

A blonde is pulled over for speeding.

Turns out the officer is also a blonde woman.

"Let's see your license"

"What's that?'

"The thing in your purse with your face on it"

The Blonde pulls out her compact mirror, looks at it, and hands it to the blonde policewoman.

The policewoman looks at it and says,<...

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing I'm a believer by The Monkees, because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face.

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even m...

I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party.

Everyone came, you should have seen her face.

This morning I made sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face

I'm not allowed Sharpies in the bedroom anymore.

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.

By taking down the Christmas tree.

I'm going to make 2 companies. Competing with Microsoft will be Megahard. Competing with The North Face will be The South End.

Now to make the logos...

I managed to slap Trump in the face, but didn't get away...

..they caught me orange handed.

Two bats sat in a tree...

...One was hungry for blood, so he flew out.

A minute later he came back with his whole face covered in blood.

"Where did you get all that blood?" Asked the second bat eagerly.

"You see that tree over there?"

"No..."

"Me neither."

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

Who was that?

Why does Santa Claus have a smile on his face?

He has a list of all the naughty girls

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can say “nut juice” with a straight face.

What's black and white and has two faces?

Micheal Jackson

A Silver sister can't remember your face

But a Silver Bromide

My face is a 2 and my personality is a 8

so basically i’m a 10

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An ugly guy enters a bar with a big grin on his face.

“Why are you so happy?” ask the bartender.

“Well”, the man answers, “I live close to the railroad tracks and when I got home last night I saw a woman laying there, tied down. So I untied her, brought here inside and then I banged her all night ... until the morning light."

“I can t...

Albert Einstein walked into a bar at 99 percent the speed of light.

The bartender said, "Why the short face?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Come and sit on my face.

I don't know if this is common response and if everyone else has heard it but it was the first time I heard it and couldn't stop laughing.

This was real situation and not a joke. Man and a woman started arguing outside my store I am not sure over what. Parking space most likely. As the argume...

After Harriat Tudman's face gets put on the $20 bill, it will not be valued as much...

...due to inflation you racist.

Which sultry-voiced singer will happily spit in your face?

Llama Del Rey.

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There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk.

When the bar closes he gets up to go home.

He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door.

As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by.

He stumbles over to her and punches her in the face.

The nun is shocked beyond belief, but bef...

A man walked into a bar. The bartender asked him "so, why the long face?"

The man said, "Well, my grandpa died. We had the funeral yesterday".

"Oh, I'm so sorry", said the bartender. "Here, have this one on the house".

&#x200B;

"Well thanks, but that's not all," said the man. "You see, today morning, his will was read. I used to think that I was h...

I just asked my wife if she could make and ugly face...

And she just looked at me.

With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, “What’s that?!”

He whispered, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the s...

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What's with the long face, Joe?

A man walks into the local bar one Friday afternoon when he gets out of work. As he steps up to the bar, he sees his good friend Joe throw down 2 shots. He noted that Joe had a frown on his face.

“What’s with the long face, Joe?” he asks. 

Joe responds, “My wife told me today that sh...

Daddy Daddy! There's a man at the door selling ugly faces!

Tell him you already have one son.

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I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

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