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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

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What's worse than waking up at a party with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out that it was traced.

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A man walks into a bar...

... and says to the bartender “I’ll take a whiskey coke please.”

The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter.

The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.” 

The bartender says “take a bite.”

The man ta...

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There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

I want to get a race horse, and name it My Face.

Just so I can hear people in the stands yell, “Come on, My Face!!”

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‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’

“Now that’s an old one.” The chicken smiled to himself as he looked across the barren road in front of him, the age old question repeating itself in his mind.

On one side, the chicken stood. The other, a lone bar in the middle of nowhere. And yet, at some point, it was once the most bustling ...

I did an IQ test and when i got the results the doctor in an extremly disturbed face said :

I'm sorry sir your results came back as negative

What happened to the guy who got a boombox launched at his face?

He faced the music.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One of them draws a line in the dirt and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”

That was the punchline.

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out. It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

My face is so oily

That America tried to invade it

I bought a racehorse today, I called it “My Face”

I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want a bunch of people shouting “Come on my face”

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes int...

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The horse not understanding English shits on the floor and leaves

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Did you hear about the guy who had a penis coming out of the middle of his face?

He couldn’t stop blowing his nose.

Sometimes I lightly run my finger in a circular motion around my lower face..

It’s called *a lip tickle*

I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's your scenter.

Whenever my mom sees me, she just can’t keep a straight face

Since the stroke.

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Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

A couple roommates squabble over the only phone charger in the house. One punches the other square in the face. The cops show up.

He is charged with battery.

Every time I toss five coins, they would come up on the same face.

Must be a coin-cidence.

One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble.

But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"

My friends probably don’t think I would hit them in the face with an obscure vegetable just to get a laugh

Let’s just say they are in for a rutebega’ning

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"

said Anatoly, aged 6.

What's the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?

Having to clean the monitor.

Why did Bruce Willis die with a smile on his face?

Because he died hard.

If a boy is washing his face, then he is ready to go somewhere

If a girl is washing her face, then its confirm she's not going anywhere

Why do r/Jokes reposters never face negative repercussions for their actions?

Because they have good Karma.

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A vampire walks into a vampure bar with his face covered in blood

His friends start going crazy, asking where he got that much blood from.

Knowing they will not let up, thinking his life was at stake, he leads them through valley, into a forest.

"You see that oak tree over there?" he says.

"Yep" reply the others.

"Well I fucking didn't!...

At the risk of getting egg on my face and being too cheesy.

Omelette au fromage.

I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

A husband and a wife are shopping

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” says the wife. “There on sale, 24 cans for $10” says the husband. “Put it back we can’t afford it” demands the wife. They continue shopping. A few isles later, the woman picks up a $20 face cream and ...

I accidentally stabbed my teacher in the face with a pencil.

I thought I would be in big trouble, but she turned a blind eye.

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing I'm a believer by The Monkees, because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face.

A man went to the doctor’s in an awful state. Cuts and bruises to his face and a suspected broken arm.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor.

“It’s my wife, she had one of her dreadful nightmares.”

“Do you mean she did this to you while she was asleep?”

“Oh no, doctor, it was when she shouted out in her sleep, ‘Quick, get out, my husband’s coming home,’ that, without thinking,...

I'm going to make 2 companies. Competing with Microsoft will be Megahard. Competing with The North Face will be The South End.

Now to make the logos...

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.

By taking down the Christmas tree.

A blonde is pulled over for speeding.

Turns out the officer is also a blonde woman.

"Let's see your license"

"What's that?'

"The thing in your purse with your face on it"

The Blonde pulls out her compact mirror, looks at it, and hands it to the blonde policewoman.

The policewoman looks at it and says,<...

This morning I made sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face

I'm not allowed Sharpies in the bedroom anymore.

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"Did...did you draw on my face while I was passed out?"

Friend: "Yes, yes I did."

"Why did you draw a dick?"

Friend: "Made me laugh."

"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."

Friend: "Well, I traced it."

I managed to slap Trump in the face, but didn't get away...

..they caught me orange handed.

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even m...

A Silver sister can't remember your face

But a Silver Bromide

What's the difference between a priest and pimples?

Pimples wait for puberty to come onto your face

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

Who was that?

What's black and white and has two faces?

Micheal Jackson

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can say “nut juice” with a straight face.

Two bats sat in a tree...

...One was hungry for blood, so he flew out.

A minute later he came back with his whole face covered in blood.

"Where did you get all that blood?" Asked the second bat eagerly.

"You see that tree over there?"

"No..."

"Me neither."

Why does Santa Claus have a smile on his face?

He has a list of all the naughty girls

I saw the face of Jesus in my bowl of sugar!

I took a picture but it's very grainy.

I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party.

Everyone came, you should have seen her face.

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

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Come and sit on my face.

I don't know if this is common response and if everyone else has heard it but it was the first time I heard it and couldn't stop laughing.

This was real situation and not a joke. Man and a woman started arguing outside my store I am not sure over what. Parking space most likely. As the argume...

Albert Einstein walked into a bar at 99 percent the speed of light.

The bartender said, "Why the short face?"

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An ugly guy enters a bar with a big grin on his face.

“Why are you so happy?” ask the bartender.

“Well”, the man answers, “I live close to the railroad tracks and when I got home last night I saw a woman laying there, tied down. So I untied her, brought here inside and then I banged her all night ... until the morning light."

“I can t...

After Harriat Tudman's face gets put on the $20 bill, it will not be valued as much...

...due to inflation you racist.

Which sultry-voiced singer will happily spit in your face?

Llama Del Rey.

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

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There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk.

When the bar closes he gets up to go home.

He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door.

As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by.

He stumbles over to her and punches her in the face.

The nun is shocked beyond belief, but bef...

A man walked into a bar. The bartender asked him "so, why the long face?"

The man said, "Well, my grandpa died. We had the funeral yesterday".

"Oh, I'm so sorry", said the bartender. "Here, have this one on the house".

&#x200B;

"Well thanks, but that's not all," said the man. "You see, today morning, his will was read. I used to think that I was h...

I just asked my wife if she could make and ugly face...

And she just looked at me.

What kind of cat looks super fierce, but runs off scared to pieces when you blow air in its face?

A dandy lion.

Daddy Daddy! There's a man at the door selling ugly faces!

Tell him you already have one son.

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What's with the long face, Joe?

A man walks into the local bar one Friday afternoon when he gets out of work. As he steps up to the bar, he sees his good friend Joe throw down 2 shots. He noted that Joe had a frown on his face.

“What’s with the long face, Joe?” he asks. 

Joe responds, “My wife told me today that sh...

I got slapped in the face for asking a girl if she was interested in one night stand.

Pretty rude, considering I was going to give her a discount on it as well.

Why did the man get a bruised face while attempting to grab the pitcher in the kitchen?

It threw a 105mph fastball.

With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, “What’s that?!”

He whispered, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

I don’t celebrate Halloween but if I did I’d be carving your face

Cause I always make my pumpkin smile

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I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

My daughter asked me, "Daddy, why is your nose in the middle of your face?"

I smirked and replied, "Because it's the scenter."

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Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could respond, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a little smile, Sally's mother asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty."

You have the perfect Face!

For Radio

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the s...

I met someone with a fake boil on their face.

I wasn't sure how they made it, or what it con-cysted of.

Apparently a girl likes you if they make eye contact, face towards, or smiles at you.

I think my mom likes me...

I had to take my mother to hospital yesterday after a giant bee landed on her face

Thankfully it didn't actually sting her, I was too quick with the shovel

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

An arab man found the face of Mohammed in his margarine jar

He showed it to his Chinese neighbor who said " I can't believe it's not Buddha"

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I was walking down the street when all of a sudden there was this guy in my face screaming about premature ejaculation.

I swear, he came out of nowhere.

My face reminds of me of David Copperfield

Because it makes beautiful women disappear