My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

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A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face

The bartender says “why are you so happy?”

The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position...

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Once.

What's the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?

Having to clean the monitor.

So my friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character

You should've seen the Luke on her face.

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Some asshole on the bus just sneezed in my face

I'm now feeling kinda ill

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Doctor: Do you watch your husband's face during sex?

Lady: I did once, he looked very angry.
Doctor: Why?
Lady: Because he was watching from the window.

Your face is like the sun

It burns my eyes

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A lion and a lioness and resting in a shade of a tree. All of a sudden a rabbit comes, slaps the lion in the face and runs off.

The lion just chuckles.

The Lioness is pissed: "Why did you let him slap you? Are you not the king of the animals? This is a major disrespect. Go kill that little shit!"

The lion replies calmly: "Dear, the rabbit is small and stupid - he doesn't know what he is doing...".

In a ...

A man walked into the bedroom and he wife was packing a bag of clothes with a scowl on her face

"Where in the hell are you off to?" He asked

The wife replied, "Im off to New York!"

"Whats so special about New York?" The man asked

"In New york i could get paid 400$ for what i do for you for free!" She shouted

The husband didnt say a word and started slamming clothes ...

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What do you call it when a guy cums all over a girls face?

Genetic makeup

When Trump said "We're going to put a man on the face of the moon" last night, he meant he wants his Space Force to laser-etch his face onto the moon

Get ready for Moont Rushmore

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his very young mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent ...

I didn't want to believe the racist man in the brown face was the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau!

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I went to visit my old hometown the other day and found the house I grew up in. I knocked on the door and asked the owners if I could have a look around. They said "NO!" and closed the door in my face.

My parents can be such jerks sometimes.

I can't face my problems.

Because my face is the problem.

There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.

"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.

I walked past a temple in Nepal and a Monk blew smoke in my face. I couldn’t believe it.

I was incensed.

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, with tears rolling down my face. “It’s a boy! I don’t believe it!”

And it was at that point that I resolved never to visit Thailand again.

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

“Who was that?”

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face.

I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that.

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

Trudeau's black face picture has gotten a lot of attention

But should we care if it's Trudeau?

I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.

Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.

A group of pirates walked out of a strip club with disappointed looks on their faces.

They were hoping to find some booty, but all they got were sunken chests.

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A young Arab boy asks his dad....

A young Arab boy asks his dad "what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed...

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A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "why the long face"?

Unable to speak, the horse shits on the floor and leaves.

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug...

Saw the headline: "Justin Trudeau cannot remember how many times he wore black face"

And thought to myself, boy does Justin Trudeau have a dark past

Whether she kicks you in the groin or sits on your face...

Taint gonna happen either way.

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John's face was burned in an accident

John was in an accident and his face was badly burned. The doctors couldn't reconstruct his face with John's own skin because he was so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed John's fa...

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

The doctor looked at me with a concerned look on his face and rasped, "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards."

I screamed, "AND!?"

My wife was really scared when I said: Police! Freeze! She kicked me in the face.

Guess I won’t go undercover again.

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What’s worse then waking up at a party and finding a dick drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it

My dating profile says I’m an adrenaline junky who laughs in the face of danger and my hobbies include walking on thousands of blades bare footed for fun. I just love the way the blades tickle my feet and there is no way I’m going to be stopped

by a “Keep off the Grass” sign.

Turned on the radio to hear "Shallow". I'm not a fan so switched stations and got "Bad Romance". I also don't like that so tried a third station and got "Poker Face".

It seems that, all I hear is radio Gaga.

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What do you call a woman with a great body but an unattractive face? Butterface. What do you call a woman with a beautiful face but unattractive breasts?

Buttercups

Ever get punched in the face by someone wearing a ring?

It leaves a lasting impression

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Caught Skinny Dipping

A priest and a rabbi are good friends and one night they get talking about Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. The conversation leads them to try skinny dipping and under the light of the moon, they find themselves in swimming in a lake with their clothes hung from a tree. A car pulls up right next...

My wife has a new thing. She likes me to blow on her face while we make love...

I'm not a fan

Whenever you face a problem in life, just clear your head and take a walk.

Walking away from your problems is much less tiring than running away from them.

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Remember girls, if a man calls you pretty, he likes your face, if a man calls you hot,he likes your body , if a man calls you beautiful, he likes your soul ..

All three of them still want to fuck you though....

Why is the nose in the middle of your face?

Because its the scenter

Finally found a new job after being unemployed for a long time. I work at a clock tower, using a long straw to remove water that accumulates behind the glass so the giant clock face doesn't rust.

The pay is good, but the work sucks big time.

When my wife wanted me to stop singing stayin’ alive I just laughed in her face

Ah, ha, ha, ha

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Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

Punched someone in the face dressed as the Duracell Bunny

Got charged with battery

A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival.

The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said,

"I always do."

A horse walks into a bar... The barman asks "Why the long face?"

The horse replies "I just found out I've got AIDS."

That new face app is cool

Anti vax parents can see what their kids woudlve look liked


Inspiration Credit: @funnymanfields

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground....

....Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't...

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There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

I used to have freckles on my face, but they faded over time...

I now draw them back, one by one. I think self-respeck is important.

Anyone can bring a smile to your face

Especially when you push them down the stairs

I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos

Now they won't post m'loan.

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People are all worried about the bad things that will come with face recognition...

And here I am in my moms basement wondering what the big deal is

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One of them takes a stick, draws a line in the sand, and says to the other, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”

That was the punchline.

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

I bought a racehorse today, I called it “My Face”

I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want a bunch of people shouting “Come on my face”

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A man walks into a bar...

... and says to the bartender “I’ll take a whiskey coke please.”

The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter.

The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.” 

The bartender says “take a bite.”

The man ta...

The police were called to a sperm bank yesterday, after the receptionist was reportedly shot in the face

They arrived to a sticky hostage situation

The face of a child can say it all.

Especially the mouth part of the face.

I heard a loud scream and ran as fast as I could to our bathroom. Man, you should have seen the look on my wife's face as she stared at the mirror in disbelief after seeing some grey hair...

I thought for sure she was gonna dye...

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Three school teachers go to the nude beach: the math teacher, the history teacher, and the logics teacher. Suddenly, the female principal goes by them. So the math and history teacher put their newspapers on their private parts, while the logics teacher puts it on his face.

After the principal leaves, the first two ask the logics teacher: Why did you put your newspaper on your face? She clearly saw your junk!

That's the thing! I'm mostly recognised by my face!

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My Pal drew a penis on my face while I was sleeping

I told him he drew it pretty well. He said “thanks I traced it”.

A horse walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Why the long face?"

The horse responded, "I finally realize that my alcoholism is disrupting my life at home and driving my family apart."

Every time you get sick, slap yourself in the face until you get better.

After some time, you'll stop getting sick because your body has been trained that this is bad behaviour.

I want to get a race horse, and name it My Face.

Just so I can hear people in the stands yell, “Come on, My Face!!”

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"Did...did you draw on my face while I was passed out?"

Friend: "Yes, yes I did."

"Why did you draw a dick?"

Friend: "Made me laugh."

"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."

Friend: "Well, I traced it."

My friend decided to use balloons to propose to his online girlfriend, but then he met her face to face for the first time.

He immediately popped the question.

I did an IQ test and when i got the results the doctor in an extremly disturbed face said :

I'm sorry sir your results came back as negative

My face is so oily

That America tried to invade it

I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party.

Everyone came, you should have seen her face.

Where do Egyptians go when they don't want to face reality

De-nile River

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

Messi's face

when Origi scored his second goal.

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even m...

What happened to the guy who got a boombox launched at his face?

He faced the music.

How do you wake up Lady Gaga

P-p-p-p-p-poker face

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