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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Once.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

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I went to visit my old hometown the other day and found the house I grew up in. I knocked on the door and asked the owners if I could have a look around. They said "NO!" and closed the door in my face.

My parents can be such jerks sometimes.

A man has been at the Pub all night drinking

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door...

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

“Who was that?”

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A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "why the long face"?

Unable to speak, the horse shits on the floor and leaves.

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A young Arab boy asks his dad....

A young Arab boy asks his dad "what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed...

My wife was really scared when I said: Police! Freeze! She kicked me in the face.

Guess I won’t go undercover again.

I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it

The doctor looked at me with a concerned look on his face and rasped, "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards."

I screamed, "AND!?"

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What’s worse then waking up at a party and finding a dick drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.

"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, with tears rolling down my face. “It’s a boy! I don’t believe it!”

And it was at that point that I resolved never to visit Thailand again.

Finally found a new job after being unemployed for a long time. I work at a clock tower, using a long straw to remove water that accumulates behind the glass so the giant clock face doesn't rust.

The pay is good, but the work sucks big time.

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug...

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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks; "Why the long face?"

A few local barflies laughed into their glasses, hunched over like a waning reed in the wind, rosy cheeked and bleary eyed.

The horse walked up the bar and awkwardly sat down on a stool which creaked loudly under their weight.

"I'll tell you why" the horse said in a perfect English acc...

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. D...

Turned on the radio to hear "Shallow". I'm not a fan so switched stations and got "Bad Romance". I also don't like that so tried a third station and got "Poker Face".

It seems that, all I hear is radio Gaga.

Why is the nose in the middle of your face?

Because its the scenter

That new face app is cool

Anti vax parents can see what their kids woudlve look liked


Inspiration Credit: @funnymanfields

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Caught Skinny Dipping

A priest and a rabbi are good friends and one night they get talking about Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. The conversation leads them to try skinny dipping and under the light of the moon, they find themselves in swimming in a lake with their clothes hung from a tree. A car pulls up right next...

When my wife wanted me to stop singing stayin’ alive I just laughed in her face

Ah, ha, ha, ha

My wife has a new thing. She likes me to blow on her face while we make love...

I'm not a fan

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground....

....Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't...

A horse walks into a bar... The barman asks "Why the long face?"

The horse replies "I just found out I've got AIDS."

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Remember girls, if a man calls you pretty, he likes your face, if a man calls you hot,he likes your body , if a man calls you beautiful, he likes your soul ..

All three of them still want to fuck you though....

A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival.

The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said,

"I always do."

The face of a child can say it all.

Especially the mouth part of the face.

I used to have freckles on my face, but they faded over time...

I now draw them back, one by one. I think self-respeck is important.

There is only one vegetable righteous enough to face judgement day and for good reason!

Lettuce pray.

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

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People are all worried about the bad things that will come with face recognition...

And here I am in my moms basement wondering what the big deal is

Anyone can bring a smile to your face

Especially when you push them down the stairs

Punched someone in the face dressed as the Duracell Bunny

Got charged with battery

I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos

Now they won't post m'loan.

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There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One of them takes a stick, draws a line in the sand, and says to the other, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”

That was the punchline.

I heard a loud scream and ran as fast as I could to our bathroom. Man, you should have seen the look on my wife's face as she stared at the mirror in disbelief after seeing some grey hair...

I thought for sure she was gonna dye...

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Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

The police were called to a sperm bank yesterday, after the receptionist was reportedly shot in the face

They arrived to a sticky hostage situation

A horse walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Why the long face?"

The horse responded, "I finally realize that my alcoholism is disrupting my life at home and driving my family apart."

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My Pal drew a penis on my face while I was sleeping

I told him he drew it pretty well. He said “thanks I traced it”.

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Three school teachers go to the nude beach: the math teacher, the history teacher, and the logics teacher. Suddenly, the female principal goes by them. So the math and history teacher put their newspapers on their private parts, while the logics teacher puts it on his face.

After the principal leaves, the first two ask the logics teacher: Why did you put your newspaper on your face? She clearly saw your junk!

That's the thing! I'm mostly recognised by my face!

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A man walks into a bar...

... and says to the bartender “I’ll take a whiskey coke please.”

The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter.

The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.” 

The bartender says “take a bite.”

The man ta...

I bought a racehorse today, I called it “My Face”

I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want a bunch of people shouting “Come on my face”

My friend decided to use balloons to propose to his online girlfriend, but then he met her face to face for the first time.

He immediately popped the question.

My daughter wanted to photoshop over my face, but I wouldn’t let her...

I’d feel too E-mask-ulated.

I want to get a race horse, and name it My Face.

Just so I can hear people in the stands yell, “Come on, My Face!!”

I did an IQ test and when i got the results the doctor in an extremly disturbed face said :

I'm sorry sir your results came back as negative

My face is so oily

That America tried to invade it

Every time you get sick, slap yourself in the face until you get better.

After some time, you'll stop getting sick because your body has been trained that this is bad behaviour.

Where do Egyptians go when they don't want to face reality

De-nile River

How do you wake up Lady Gaga

P-p-p-p-p-poker face

What happened to the guy who got a boombox launched at his face?

He faced the music.

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

What's the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?

Having to clean the monitor.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

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"Did...did you draw on my face while I was passed out?"

Friend: "Yes, yes I did."

"Why did you draw a dick?"

Friend: "Made me laugh."

"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."

Friend: "Well, I traced it."

Messi's face

when Origi scored his second goal.

My friends probably don’t think I would hit them in the face with an obscure vegetable just to get a laugh

Let’s just say they are in for a rutebega’ning

I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party.

Everyone came, you should have seen her face.

I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.

If a boy is washing his face, then he is ready to go somewhere

If a girl is washing her face, then its confirm she's not going anywhere

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “...

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Did you hear about the guy who had a penis coming out of the middle of his face?

He couldn’t stop blowing his nose.

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even m...

Sometimes I lightly run my finger in a circular motion around my lower face..

It’s called *a lip tickle*

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A vampire walks into a vampure bar with his face covered in blood

His friends start going crazy, asking where he got that much blood from.

Knowing they will not let up, thinking his life was at stake, he leads them through valley, into a forest.

"You see that oak tree over there?" he says.

"Yep" reply the others.

"Well I fucking didn't!...

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

Whenever my mom sees me, she just can’t keep a straight face

Since the stroke.

Every time I toss five coins, they would come up on the same face.

Must be a coin-cidence.

A blonde is pulled over for speeding.

Turns out the officer is also a blonde woman.

"Let's see your license"

"What's that?'

"The thing in your purse with your face on it"

The Blonde pulls out her compact mirror, looks at it, and hands it to the blonde policewoman.

The policewoman looks at it and says,<...

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing I'm a believer by The Monkees, because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face.

A couple roommates squabble over the only phone charger in the house. One punches the other square in the face. The cops show up.

He is charged with battery.

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An ugly guy enters a bar with a big grin on his face.

“Why are you so happy?” ask the bartender.

“Well”, the man answers, “I live close to the railroad tracks and when I got home last night I saw a woman laying there, tied down. So I untied her, brought here inside and then I banged her all night ... until the morning light."

“I can t...

One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble.

But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"

At the risk of getting egg on my face and being too cheesy.

Omelette au fromage.

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"

said Anatoly, aged 6.

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