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In which profession the service providers never receive thanks from the people being served?

Executioners
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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her… As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions."First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees."What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, l...
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What’s the difference between an escort and a student loan provider?

An escort will stop fucking you when you run out of money

Did you see the news about Jonathan Ross, dressing up in a blue uniform and trying to provide antenatal care?

They say he’s having a midwife crisis.
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What do you call a dog that provides the bass for speaker systems?

A subwoofer
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God will provide

My daughter brought her fiancée home to meet her mother and me. I asked the young man, "How do you intend to support my daughter?"

He replied, "Well, sir, I didn't go to college and have had trouble finding a job but I know that God will provide."

I then asked, "Do you have any savings...

Teacher: Please provide the ethical definition of copying.

Student:

From one person it's cheating.

From many people it's research.
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A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...

She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".

Joke provided by my ten y...
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Palm trees don’t provide much shade

That’s why they’re fronds without benefits.
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In an effort to provide a calmer and more peaceful experience, Mark Zuckerberg is renaming and reformatting Facebook...

He's going to call it: Metastasis.
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How many calories does going down on your girl provide?

It depends on which way she wipes.
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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer

to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day.

Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult
for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, I will create a compa...

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I'm organizing a convention for a charity that develops and donates devices which provide audible alerts for deaf/mute individuals at their moment of orgasm.

We'll let you know who's coming.

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

What is the fastest cell phone service provider?

Sprint.

I'll see myself out.
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What type of insurance does a florist provide?

Wife insurance.
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When does Sean Connery's accent provide more information than regular English?

When he's sitting on a toilet.

(and you just read that in his voice)
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When I was ill, this woman kept me safe and provided me with a hot beverage made from a stallion's urine that she found in a narrow place.



Lady...if you're reading this,

thanks for the horse piss alley tea.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...
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The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...

It'll be known as the National Elf Service.
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What internet service provider do prostitutes prefer?

Cox, because they keep going in and out, sometimes they're fast, sometimes they're slow, and they bend you over when your bill arrives.

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.
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[Nsfw] A man trying act smart in front of an insurance agent asks him “Do you provide penis insurance ?”

Agent : “Yes , sir , we do provide penis insurance”

Man got surprised and asked “You replace with a new one when it stops working?”

Agent : “No , sir . Once it stops to work , we ensure free service to your wife for the rest of your Life”

I'm a reproductive health provider. A female patient came in for a pelvic exam.

I told her "give me a few minutes, I'll be at your cervix"
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I work as the lead singer in a U2 tribute band that provides free performances for charities and at protests

I'm a pro bono pro Bono
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Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.
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My new internet provider is owned by a fisherman

Terrible service, takes all day to get a byte
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Thanks to my internet service provider, I was finally able to read a book....

They had an outage
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Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousan...
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I provided for a homeless blind person

It was really touching!
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Always plead idiocy, if you can provide evidence.

It's foolproof!
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A soldier's wife has just returned from her insurance provider and is looking very, very unhappy

"What's the matter?" Her friend asked.

"I went to get my husband covered privately, but the fine print stated: no payouts when the holder dies as a result of an explosion and/or from injuries sustained in an explosion," she replied.

"Oh? So why would that make you unhappy?" Her friend ...
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Some day I'm going to provide everyone with free eye care. you'll see.

YOU'LL ALL SEE!!
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Our local planned parenthood refuses to provide homeless women with abortions.

They say beggars can't be choosers.
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I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

Who provides tech support for Israel?

RabbIT
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Call me crazy, but I think if someone tells you how they feel they should also be required to provide you with a common food seasoning.

That's just my opinion though, so take it with a grain of salt.
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An old man was given a jar and asked to provide a sperm sample for his doctor. The next day he returned with the empty jar and explained,

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left. I asked my wife to help. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door. Nothing." The doctor was shocked. He said, "You asked your neighbour?" "Yep," the old man replied. "None of us could get the jar open."
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Why don't undertakers provide free services?

That would be a dead giveaway.
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My wife asked me to provide her with encouragement as she attempts to lose weight next year.

I said, “Don’t worry. It’ll be a piece of cake.”
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Surgery can now provide you with the attributes of animals as body enhancements, such as gorilla arms for strength.

A complaint was filed, however, when a man got an elephant trunk to replace his penis:

"It's great and all but now I can't hang out with my friends much at taverns cuz while we're seated the trunk grabs some peanuts from the bar and sticks them in my asshole."

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider
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Did you hear about that new Netflix series about a chemistry teacher that finds out he has cancer and secretly opens a bakery to provide for his family when he's gone?

It's called Baking Bread.
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I asked the hotel checkout girl, "Do you provide turndown service?"

She said, "Sure. I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last guy on earth after the zombie apocalypse and your saliva contained the antidote."
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Why I Chose my Internet Provider

I chose Cox. At least they are honest about who they are.
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What do you call a fish that provides woodland services, primarily pruning and treatments to preserve old or damaged trees.

A tree sturgeon
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I rang my telecom provider.

Before I got through , I had to say "Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!"

They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.
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My student loan providers said that they're going to "garnish" my wages?

I guess it's true that thyme is money
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The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

A woman is calling her cell provider...

Woman: I don't get my text messages

Tech support: Have you tried reading them again?
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I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit you can eat that provides your daily requirement of potassium?”

My wife: That’s bananas.

Me : I know. I couldn’t believe it either.
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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...
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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

Dad, does the moon provide light and heat to support all life on Earth through the process of Nuclear fusion?

No sun.
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A couple's young daughter went to college.

After 6 months she happily let them know she was engaged to a student who is studying to be a pastor, and is bringing him home for the holidays.

And after the introductions the father and the boy sat and the father asked: " How old are you?"

Fiance:"19"

Father: "And where are yo...
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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.
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What’s the name of the cheapest vasectomy provider?

UnderCutters
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TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...
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Kim Jong-un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...
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I'm beginning to think Pornhub should become a news provider.

At least they're honest when they plan on fucking you.

After years of never having enough hot water, and countless cold showers, we finally had an on-demand water heater installed, that provides unlimited hot water.

And although the plumber did an excellent installation and worked quickly, we did not express our appreciation.

It was a tankless job.
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Why do internet service providers try to end Net Neutrality every few years?

The intent is to provide citizens with a sense of pride and accomplishment in fighting for their rights.
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A farmer gets a letter

A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.

"Dear Ronald J. Kse,

This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.

Thanks, you...

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I had to provide a stool sample to my doctor the other day to check why I haven’t been feeling good.

The nurse just called me and said they can’t find it. I’m so mad that I totally lost my shit!!

What happens when you work as a firearms provider and you don't do your job so well at all?

You get fired
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When asked to provide proof that he had cirrhosis, what did OP do?

OP de-livered.
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Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!

Way fewer bars!!!
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A woman introduces her boyfriend to her parents.

A woman has her boyfriend meet her parents.

The father of the woman and the boyfriend then have a discussion at a Catholic Bible Study:

Father: “What do you do for a living?”

Boyfriend: “I am a Biblical Scholar.”

Father: “A Biblical scholar, huh? How will you provide for ...
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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

ICE provided us a list of all the undocumented immigrants in our neighborhood

[removed]
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Periodic abstinence as contraception can be successful, provided one meets three very strict conditions:

1. The woman must have a very regular menstrual cycle.
2. You must be able to count well.
3. And you must really love children.

Loosely translated from Herman Finkers. My favorite dutch comedian.
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Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.


A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacua...
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An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in whic...

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An Army officer was arrested completely nude, chasing a woman through a hotel lobby.

His lawyer was shrewd and got him freed on a technicality. Army regulations specifically state an officer need not be in uniform, provided he is properly attired for the activity in which he is engaged.

Why have U.S. healthcare providers embargoed the entire team behind the "The Land Before Time" movie series?

Because they don't cover pre-existing conditions.
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A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

“I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.

The clerk nods and climbs up a la...
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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...
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A girl brings her new fiance home to meet her parents for the very first time.

So a girl brings her new fiancee home to meet her parents. Boy looks like a hipster (scarf, big bushy beard, etc.) Understandably, her father would like to know the boy better and so he takes him to his study for a private conversation.

Dad: "So, John. What do you do for a living?"

Fia...
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An anti-Establishment joke from India

A vagrant, finding no place on the pavement, parked himself at the feet of a statue of Mahatma Gandhi. At midnight he was woken up by someone gently tapping him with his stick. It was the Mahatma himself. ‘You Indians have been unfair to me,’ complained the benign spirit. "You put my statues everywh...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...
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What would you call an addendum to burglary laws that would state that it's legal to break and enter into someone's house, provided you leave them with a gift?

The Santa clause
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PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.

CDC studies have shown they provide no defense
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...
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