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I'm organizing a convention for a charity that develops and donates devices which provide audible alerts for deaf/mute individuals at their moment of orgasm.

We'll let you know who's coming.

In an effort to provide a calmer and more peaceful experience, Mark Zuckerberg is renaming and reformatting Facebook...

He's going to call it: Metastasis.

What is a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Sir or Ma'am,


we are cutting your internet connection due to illegal downloading and copyright violations.


Sincerely, Internet Provider

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

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A physicist and a biologist were arguing as a mathematician was walking by.

He asked the two what they were arguing about.

The biologist, pointing to a flagpole, said they were trying to guess the height of it.

The surprised mathematician proceeded to remove the pole from its mount, took out a tape measure, measured the length of the flagpole and told the tw...

I work as the lead singer in a U2 tribute band that provides free performances for charities and at protests

I'm a pro bono pro Bono

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery..

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the ...

Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

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What’s the difference between an escort and a student loan provider?

An escort will stop fucking you when you run out of money

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One day god thought “damn those Estonians don’t give a fuck about anything”

So the next day he goes down there and says “tommorow youre all gonna be hanged. Any questions?”

One estonian raises his hand and asks: “will the rope be provided or do we have to bring our own?”

Teacher: Please provide the ethical definition of copying.

Student:

From one person it's cheating.

From many people it's research.

What do you suggest I do?

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this ...

Did you hear about that new Netflix series about a chemistry teacher that finds out he has cancer and secretly opens a bakery to provide for his family when he's gone?

It's called Baking Bread.

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MacGregor

A young man was drinking in a bar when he noticed an older gentleman sitting alone and clearly deep in thought. He asked the man, “Sir, with all your years of experience, what wisdom can you give me?”

The man replied, “Always do that which you would want to be remembered for.”

“I’m not...

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I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

Kim Jong-un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

When my girlfriend’s father asked me what I do for a living, I was embarrassed to say that I work at McDonald’s, so instead, I said …

"I handle transactions for a multi-billion-dollar company and industry on a daily basis
and help provide around $2 billion to the US economy each year"

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

Palm trees don’t provide much shade

That’s why they’re fronds without benefits.

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18.
<...

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

Call me crazy, but I think if someone tells you how they feel they should also be required to provide you with a common food seasoning.

That's just my opinion though, so take it with a grain of salt.

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[Nsfw] A man trying act smart in front of an insurance agent asks him “Do you provide penis insurance ?”

Agent : “Yes , sir , we do provide penis insurance”

Man got surprised and asked “You replace with a new one when it stops working?”

Agent : “No , sir . Once it stops to work , we ensure free service to your wife for the rest of your Life”

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An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

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Hotel.

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel:

Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir." The clerk told him apologetically. "But down the hall from your room is a vendi...

The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...

It'll be known as the National Elf Service.

I'm a reproductive health provider. A female patient came in for a pelvic exam.

I told her "give me a few minutes, I'll be at your cervix"

How many calories does going down on your girl provide?

It depends on which way she wipes.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

The Pope takes his first trip to New York City...

The Popemobile didn't fit on the plane, so he gets an armored limousine. The driver, a Catholic, is eager to please, so he asks the Pope if there's anything he can provide, to which the Pope says:

"If it's not a bother, I'd actually love to drive, it's the only thing I miss about my pre-Pope ...

A soldier's wife has just returned from her insurance provider and is looking very, very unhappy

"What's the matter?" Her friend asked.

"I went to get my husband covered privately, but the fine print stated: no payouts when the holder dies as a result of an explosion and/or from injuries sustained in an explosion," she replied.

"Oh? So why would that make you unhappy?" Her friend ...

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit you can eat that provides your daily requirement of potassium?”

My wife: That’s bananas.

Me : I know. I couldn’t believe it either.

An old man was given a jar and asked to provide a sperm sample for his doctor. The next day he returned with the empty jar and explained,

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left. I asked my wife to help. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door. Nothing." The doctor was shocked. He said, "You asked your neighbour?" "Yep," the old man replied. "None of us could get the jar open."

What do you call a fish that provides woodland services, primarily pruning and treatments to preserve old or damaged trees.

A tree sturgeon

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

Abraham asked Issac to upgrade his home computer

Issac reviewed the system and stated "Forgive me, Father but the system just doesn't seem to have enough memory."

and Abraham said "My son, God will provide the RAM."

Thanks to my internet service provider, I was finally able to read a book....

They had an outage

After years of never having enough hot water, and countless cold showers, we finally had an on-demand water heater installed, that provides unlimited hot water.

And although the plumber did an excellent installation and worked quickly, we did not express our appreciation.

It was a tankless job.

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

Garden of Eden

So after God created Adam he spent a lot of time by himself in the garden, and became bored and lonely.

God noticed Adam seemed a little down so he asked what was wrong. Adam told him he was lonely and that he could use some company. God told Adam he could create the perfect companion for hi...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...

She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".

Joke provided by my ten y...

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

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A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores i...

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

When does Sean Connery's accent provide more information than regular English?

When he's sitting on a toilet.

(and you just read that in his voice)

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The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

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Surgery can now provide you with the attributes of animals as body enhancements, such as gorilla arms for strength.

A complaint was filed, however, when a man got an elephant trunk to replace his penis:

"It's great and all but now I can't hang out with my friends much at taverns cuz while we're seated the trunk grabs some peanuts from the bar and sticks them in my asshole."

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God will provide

My daughter brought her fiancée home to meet her mother and me. I asked the young man, "How do you intend to support my daughter?"

He replied, "Well, sir, I didn't go to college and have had trouble finding a job but I know that God will provide."

I then asked, "Do you have any savings...

Have you ever heard of Roko's Basilisk? (contains a small amount of existential dread)

It's a thought experiment provided by a user named "Roko" on a philosophy forum-based website.

Suppose a machine is invented that can simulate the whole world from the past to the future, becoming practically omniscient. The scientists who made this obviously want this to help the world, so ...

You wouldn't happen to be a consultant now, would you?

One day, a shepherd was out grazing his sheep when a stranger came up to him and made him a proposition:

Stranger: If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have without counting them, will you let me have one of them as a prize?

The farmer, out of curiosity , agreed.

So the ...

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousan...

What is the fastest cell phone service provider?

Sprint.

I'll see myself out.

Father's Promise from His Three Sons

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them to college. “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”
...

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how much time you provide.

The Poacher and the Bishop of Ely

One day, Sam the poacher is off doing his thing in the fields, when he sees the Bishop of Ely, on his way home from a banquet, urgently looking round for a bush- any bush. Sam, seeing this, only goes and hides behind the same bush as the Bishop. Realising what the Bishop is up to, quick as a flash...

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My coworker is a goat herder

I had a meeting the other day at work and we were waiting for a few others to show up. I told him a few things I had been doing and he told me that him and his family are goat herders on the side from their actual jobs. Have been for generations.

The goats provide milk and meat, they can sel...

Some day I'm going to provide everyone with free eye care. you'll see.

YOU'LL ALL SEE!!

My wife asked me to provide her with encouragement as she attempts to lose weight next year.

I said, “Don’t worry. It’ll be a piece of cake.”

Dad, does the moon provide light and heat to support all life on Earth through the process of Nuclear fusion?

No sun.

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer

to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day.

Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult
for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, I will create a compa...

What type of insurance does a florist provide?

Wife insurance.

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A Scouser walks into the local benefits office, walks up to the counter to collect his fortnightly giro and say's to the woman.

"You know something?
I just hate being on the dole, I'd really rather have a job".

The benefits worker behind the counter tells him.
"Your timing is excellent.
We have just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man.
He wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomani...

I'd much rather live in Norway than Denmark so I don't have to switch insurance providers.

Denmark doesn't have a Blue Cross as far as I know.

Our local planned parenthood refuses to provide homeless women with abortions.

They say beggars can't be choosers.

My new internet provider is owned by a fisherman

Terrible service, takes all day to get a byte

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I had to provide a stool sample to my doctor the other day to check why I haven’t been feeling good.

The nurse just called me and said they can’t find it. I’m so mad that I totally lost my shit!!

What happens when you work as a firearms provider and you don't do your job so well at all?

You get fired

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

Priorities

A guy starts his new job and makes it a habit to get coffee from the nearby cafe and give some of the change to the same homeless guy. As the time progressed the homeless guy notices that over the years the amount he received was going down. He stops the guy one day and asks if everything is going ...

I provided for a homeless blind person

It was really touching!

My student loan providers said that they're going to "garnish" my wages?

I guess it's true that thyme is money

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TIL that Viagra is provided without charge by the Chinese Government

They're the only free elections the citizens get

Always plead idiocy, if you can provide evidence.

It's foolproof!

I asked the hotel checkout girl, "Do you provide turndown service?"

She said, "Sure. I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last guy on earth after the zombie apocalypse and your saliva contained the antidote."

Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!

Way fewer bars!!!

The EA community team has now provided a feeling of pride and accomplishment to about 520,000 gamers...

By allowing us to Downvote them into Reddit hall of shame

Why do internet service providers try to end Net Neutrality every few years?

The intent is to provide citizens with a sense of pride and accomplishment in fighting for their rights.

Hotel bill

Jack checks out of his hotel after 3 nights, but can't believe the size of the bill. "Why so much?"
Manager: "It's not just the luxury bedroom, we also provided you with a swimming pool, gym, games room..."
Jack: "But I didn't use any of those!"
Manager: "Maybe, but you could have!"
Ja...

What would you call an addendum to burglary laws that would state that it's legal to break and enter into someone's house, provided you leave them with a gift?

The Santa clause

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