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Metallica Jokes

My dad asked me which Metallica songs I know

I told him I only know one and nothing else matters.

Why do wind turbines like Metallica?

Because they're huge metal fans!

My friends make fun of me for only being able to play one Metallica song on guitar

It's Sad But True

What do Spider-Man and Metallica have in common?

Both have had an experience of entering Sandman

I went through airport security and the alarm went off

The TSA agent asked if I had any metal on me.

I said hell yeah I do, pulled out a Metallica CD and slammed it on the table.

I was detained and strip searched but it was worth it.

I hear Metallica have an upcoming show in Amsterdam

"We're off to Nether-netherlands"

Why is Metallica the safest band to listen to in an airport?

Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1989.

I was air drumming some Metallica at a stop light.

I lost a drumstick out the window and quickly changed to Def Leppard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know Metallica has a new album about the leader of Kermit’s church?

It’s called Pastor of Muppets

How would Metallica be called if they sold beds?

Nothing else matress

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men get their wives birthday presents.

The first man, a lawyer, tells the other men “I got my wife a trip to the Bahamas and a pearl necklace. She loves pearls, so if she doesn’t enjoy the trip, I know she’ll like the necklace.”

The second man, a doctor, says “I got my wife a brand new 2017 BMW and a Louis Vuitton handbag she’s ha...

I'm surprised Metallica hasn't been on Sesame Street,

After all they are the Master of Puppets.

My new neighbours listen to Metallica really loud all hours of the night!

I mean, they may not want to, but they do.

What do you call a Metallica song after being transcribed?

Sheet metal.

Was playing air drums in my car to Metallica

when I dropped a stick so I had to switch to Def Leppard.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

Metallica should open up a chain of mattress discount stores

And name it "Nothing else Mattress"

Dear Charlie, We’ve been neighbors for 6 tumultuous years.

When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces.

When I was sick, you blasted Metallica.

And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed.

I could go on, but I’m not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire.

Co...

How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

I played bass on the original Scooby Doo theme song in 1969, then joined Metallica. AMA!

Fine, I didn’t actually play the bass on the Scooby Doo theme song, or in any band, but I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you metaling kids!

Here's a Metallica joke for you.

St. Anger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to buy a new car...

The salesman at the dealership talks with him for a while and sets him up with a car that suits his needs. As he's leaving the lot, he wants to listen to some music and discovers there isn't any buttons on the stereo. He beckons over the salesman and asks "what's the deal with the stereo, I can't tu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

Roses are red, violets are blue

When I listen to Metallica, my neighbours do too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim's Birthday Hat

Jim's birthday was coming up, and as much as he enjoyed his birthday, he dreaded the obligations that came with it. Despite his vehement protests, his wife had arranged lunch with the whole family, including his witch of a mother-in-law. But Jim was a good man and said he'd be on his best behaviour....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voice activated radio.

I just bought a voice activated stereo for my car. Whatever genre of music you say, it will play the most popular artist from that genre of all time.


I told my radio "Rap"

2 Pac started playing on the stereo.

I then told my stereo "Heavy Metal"

It blared Metallica...

Why can't you hear the bass on Metallica's And Justice For All album?

Because they threw the bass player under the bus.

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