"Rain is merely a temporary obstacle in life, it's a metaphor of the inevitable downfall before success."

- Incy Wincy Spider

What's a metaphor?

It's for jokes that reference themselves.



^(I'll see myself out...)

Have you heard that really convoluted metaphor about poorly constructed bridges?

It's hard to get across.

There's a gray line between getting a metaphor right or wrong

And in the fine area there's a punch line

A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan...

Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat.

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?

Because they take everything, literally.

Why LOTR is a metaphor for life.

Man puts ring on finger, slowly goes insane!

How do poets say hello?

*"Hey, haven’t we metaphor?"*

What do you call a really long metaphor?

It's like, a metafive

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"Grow a pair" is a terrible metaphor for toughen up because testicles can't take a beating

Instead people should say "Grow a dick" because men beat theirs every night, and every morning it's standing back up harder than it was before

Snowflakes are actually the perfect metaphor for people.

Each one is unique, but we all have the same structure and are pretty similar in spite of our differences. And really, with as many around as there is, no one is going to notice your differences unless they care enough to look closely.

Also, people are similar to snowflakes in that it is diff...

Every time I come up with a new metaphor it makes me sneeze.

It really sets off my analogies.

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The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible...

I'm sad as a coconut.



Due to popular demand, **EDIT**: metaphors*... Freakin' grammar nazis... On a second thought, maybe grammar also played a role in my rejection, who knows...

My friend is very literal

He trips on every metaphor he stumbles across

Why is it so hard to explain metaphors to a kleptomaniac?

Because they always take things... Literally

A bad metaphor

is like a cucumber with a parachute.

Some say that Steve Jobs died too early

Personally I think it’s a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude towards battery life

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Trump's wall is a metaphor for his penis

Nobody wants to see it and he can't get it up

Metaphors aren't like similes.

Metaphors are similes.

I have this weird problem where I can't understand metaphors, unless they are also ladder-related puns.

My psychologist keeps is trying to find some Holy Rail of a solution, but I'm pretty content to continue to sweep it under the rung.

Don’t be afraid of a little metaphor.

It won’t bite you.

A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

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English Literature Class

Professor starts the literature class. "Today's lesson is metaphors. A metaphor conceptualizes and exaggerate a big thing into a small creative image. As an example you can say 'The snow is a white blanket' instead of saying that snow is white. Can anyone say a similar metaphor ? "

"Tom Crui...

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An English teacher and a poet walk into a bar...

The English Teacher, " The bar is a metaphor for the poet's alcoholism"

The poet, slamming his 7th drink on the table, "**No it fucking isn't**"

I've got a horrible memory.

I couldn't remember what onomatopoeia or metaphor meant and then BAM it hit me like lighting. It was like the time I remembered similes and realized I am dumb as a box of rocks.

Helpful Grammar tips

Farther is for physical distance.

Further is for metaphorical distance.

And Father is for emotional distance.

I hate it when people confuse reality with metaphors...

It makes my head literally explode!

I sneezed in front of my stuttering friend and said, "man, my sinuses are on fire".

"i-i-is i-i-it an-an-allergy?" he asked

I said, "no, it's a metaphor".

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Some good tips for your English class.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It...

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

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A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Anyone else confused by these new sexual metaphors?

Harry Potter is invited to a... "gathering" at Hogwarts one night.

He is told to go through the door marked by a gryphon. As he does so, he wonders what this is all about. When he enters the room, he is stunned to see Malfoy obviously inebriated on the floor, just slitherin' over to the side, towards a guy who would repeatedly huff 'n' puff clouds of smoke. Next to...

I went on a date with a woman who spoke in similes all night......

...... I now don’t know what i metaphor.

What do Jedi Knights say to encourage the use of analogies?

Metaphors be with you

A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.

So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.

The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.

The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine,...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side is the most common answer, however this answer leaves a great deal of room for interpretation. As noted historian and sociologist Ian Ormwell stated, "A joke cannot be taken at face value; all jests are subjective in their appearance and impact." Contrasting this view, the p...

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What happens if you go around a pole at the speed of light?

You will fuck yourself both literally and metaphorically.

"Man, my sinuses are on fire!"

"An allergy?"

"No, a metaphor".

Knock-Knock Joke given to me by a Star Wars fan

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Metaphors

Metaphors who?

Metaphors be with you

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Tell me how you died and I'll let you pass

Saint peter is standing at the gates of heaven, now its been a long day and an uneventful one at that, so when he sees 3 men walking towards him he has an idea. Saint peter says to the men "Tell me how you died and I'll let you pass".
So the first man walks up and says: "Well I came home early be...

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Your ass and mouth are connected.

Biologically, of course, but also metaphorically in your case.

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You got an ass like jesus

Holy and I want to nail it.

My girlfriend and I are in a battle to see who can come up with the best your ass is (insert metaphor for how awesome it is). Any chance ya'll can help me win this shit?!

But what is Vsauce?

You are in a room with Michael.

Michael is staring into your eyes.

His lips part.

He speaks the sweet, golden words.

"But... what are, eyes?"

His head tilts slightly downwards, and to the left.

His eyebrow raises slightly.

He gestures with his hands.<...

I finally saved up enough money that I could afford to listen to my heart.

It turns out that's just a metaphor.

Anyway, I have a stethoscope for sale.

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A man goes to a bar

A man goes to a bar. He just had a fight with his wife and he want to drown his worries in whisky.

As he drinks, his worries fade away. Soon enough, he is piss-drunk and then he realizes: "Holy shit, my wife is going to kill me! It's almost the middle of the dawn and I'm here, shitfaced and f...

I have just read an interesting dictionary.

It had literally no metaphors.





I'll ^show^myself^out...

Making an analogy that references itself is like good word play.

You don't do it anytime you want. You have to have a good reason to go metaphor.

I once went out with this girl called simile..

..it was a waste of time, I don't know why I metaphor.

I was watching Star Wars in English Class

And a classmate says "metaphors be with you"

Figurative digits

When is a 2 literally a 6? When it has metaphor.

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