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Metaphor Jokes

What do you call a really long metaphor?

It's like, a metafive

PS I made this up myself and I'm really proud of it

"Rain is merely a temporary obstacle in life, it's a metaphor of the inevitable downfall before success."

- Incy Wincy Spider

I tried to explain a concept to my friend using a metaphor about the shallow water along a shoreline.

Didn't work. He took it littorally

There's a gray line between getting a metaphor right or wrong

And in the fine area there's a punch line

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Trump's wall is a metaphor for his penis

Nobody wants to see it and he can't get it up

What's a metaphor?

It's for jokes that reference themselves.



^(I'll see myself out...)

Every time I come up with a new metaphor it makes me sneeze.

It really sets off my analogies.

my wife told me to stop making animal metaphors because it makes me a bad person

she should get off her high horse!

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"Grow a pair" is a terrible metaphor for toughen up because testicles can't take a beating

Instead people should say "Grow a dick" because men beat theirs every night, and every morning it's standing back up harder than it was before

Snowflakes are actually the perfect metaphor for people.

Each one is unique, but we all have the same structure and are pretty similar in spite of our differences. And really, with as many around as there is, no one is going to notice your differences unless they care enough to look closely.

Also, people are similar to snowflakes in that it is diff...

Why LOTR is a metaphor for life.

Man puts ring on finger, slowly goes insane!

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?

Because they take everything, literally.

What's a metaphor?

Increased revenue!

A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan...

Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat.

A prose met a metaphor at a junction and asked what style are we using for the form papers to which the simile who just happened to walk by responded with

The subjective object of not writing :)

"Farther" is physical distance, while "further" is metaphorical distance. And...

"Father" is emotional distance.

I hate it when people use metaphors that are physically impossible.

It makes my blood boil.

A man struggles to not use Train metaphors

"No more!" he swore to himself. "Today's the day I finally change my one-track mind! Oh. Ok, I'll let that one go, but no more!"

He entered the meeting. Several minutes passed.

"Everyone let's try not to get off track." **Damnit! I did it again. That's the last one!**

"What I me...

Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee.

I met a few of his cousins too;

The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee.

The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee.

The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee.

The one who is always throwing shade, Sarcastic Lee.

The one who is so sure of himsel...

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A guy goes to see his doctor

The doctor, as per routine, asks, "What brings you in today?"

The guy sighs and says, "My penis is orange."

The doctor looks up from his chart, slightly confused and askes, "Is that a metaphor or...."

The guy stops him and says, "No, doctor. My dick is bright orange."

Eve...

So I went on a date with this woman who didn’t stop using similes all evening...

I don’t know what I metaphor.

Have you heard that really convoluted metaphor about poorly constructed bridges?

It's hard to get across.

Don’t be afraid of a little metaphor.

It won’t bite you.

Metaphors

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

A bad metaphor

is like a cucumber with a parachute.

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

Drug Metaphors

Here's the great thing about raising a kid in a rough neighborhood. You don't have to have these little metaphors about why not to do things. If I don't want her to do drugs, I just go, 'Look, see? That's why -- 'cause Crackhead Phil lives in my hallway.'

A good analogy is like a box of chocolates-

you never know when you’re going to get a mixed metaphor.

A man goes to the doctor and complains,

"Doc I have a problem, my wife is cheating on me, but I'm not growing any horns!"

The doctor, amused, explains to him that the whole cheating and horns thing is only a metaphor.

The man breaths in relief.

"Thank god! I thought I was low on Calcium!"

I've got a horrible memory.

I couldn't remember what onomatopoeia or metaphor meant and then BAM it hit me like lighting. It was like the time I remembered similes and realized I am dumb as a box of rocks.

I went on a date with a girl called simile.

I don't know what I metaphor.

Why do hypocrites avoid mixed metaphors?

The don't count their chickens in the same basket.

How do poets say hello?

Hey, haven’t we metaphor?

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English Literature Class

Professor starts the literature class. "Today's lesson is metaphors. A metaphor conceptualizes and exaggerate a big thing into a small creative image. As an example you can say 'The snow is a white blanket' instead of saying that snow is white. Can anyone say a similar metaphor ? "

"Tom Crui...

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An English teacher and a poet walk into a bar...

The English Teacher, " The bar is a metaphor for the poet's alcoholism"

The poet, slamming his 7th drink on the table, "**No it fucking isn't**"

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Some good tips for your English class.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It...

Metaphors aren't like similes.

Metaphors are similes.

Why is it so hard to explain metaphors to a kleptomaniac?

Because they always take things... Literally

I have this weird problem where I can't understand metaphors, unless they are also ladder-related puns.

My psychologist keeps is trying to find some Holy Rail of a solution, but I'm pretty content to continue to sweep it under the rung.

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

I sneezed in front of my stuttering friend and said, "man, my sinuses are on fire".

"i-i-is i-i-it an-an-allergy?" he asked

I said, "no, it's a metaphor".

My friend is very literal

He trips on every metaphor he stumbles across

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side is the most common answer, however this answer leaves a great deal of room for interpretation. As noted historian and sociologist Ian Ormwell stated, "A joke cannot be taken at face value; all jests are subjective in their appearance and impact." Contrasting this view, the p...

I hate it when people confuse reality with metaphors...

It makes my head literally explode!

A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.

So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.

The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.

The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine,...

People say Steve Jobs died too soon.

But I think its a fitting metaphor for his company's attitude to battery life.

"Man, my sinuses are on fire!"

"An allergy?"

"No, a metaphor".

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You got an ass like jesus

Holy and I want to nail it.

My girlfriend and I are in a battle to see who can come up with the best your ass is (insert metaphor for how awesome it is). Any chance ya'll can help me win this shit?!

A son asks his father why gardeners have green thumbs...

The father replied with, "Well son, it's a metaphor, their thumbs aren't REALLY green. Kinda like when someone says they caught the thief red handed when their hands are actually black."

Knock-Knock Joke given to me by a Star Wars fan

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Metaphors

Metaphors who?

Metaphors be with you

I finally saved up enough money that I could afford to listen to my heart.

It turns out that's just a metaphor.

Anyway, I have a stethoscope for sale.

Making an analogy that references itself is like good word play.

You don't do it anytime you want. You have to have a good reason to go metaphor.

Figurative digits

When is a 2 literally a 6? When it has metaphor.

What do Jedi Knights say to encourage the use of analogies?

Metaphors be with you

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Your ass and mouth are connected.

Biologically, of course, but also metaphorically in your case.

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A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Anyone else confused by these new sexual metaphors?

A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...

I have just read an interesting dictionary.

It had literally no metaphors.





I'll ^show^myself^out...

Harry Potter is invited to a... "gathering" at Hogwarts one night.

He is told to go through the door marked by a gryphon. As he does so, he wonders what this is all about. When he enters the room, he is stunned to see Malfoy obviously inebriated on the floor, just slitherin' over to the side, towards a guy who would repeatedly huff 'n' puff clouds of smoke. Next to...

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What happens if you go around a pole at the speed of light?

You will fuck yourself both literally and metaphorically.

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A man goes to a bar

A man goes to a bar. He just had a fight with his wife and he want to drown his worries in whisky.

As he drinks, his worries fade away. Soon enough, he is piss-drunk and then he realizes: "Holy shit, my wife is going to kill me! It's almost the middle of the dawn and I'm here, shitfaced and f...

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Tell me how you died and I'll let you pass

Saint peter is standing at the gates of heaven, now its been a long day and an uneventful one at that, so when he sees 3 men walking towards him he has an idea. Saint peter says to the men "Tell me how you died and I'll let you pass".
So the first man walks up and says: "Well I came home early be...

I was watching Star Wars in English Class

And a classmate says "metaphors be with you"

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