My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

What religion did the witch DJ follow?

Wicca Wicca

What’s the worst path you can follow?

A psychopath!

(Sorry)

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands.

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands. He begins with a healthy, four-legged frog, and says, “Jump, frog, jump!”

Right on command, the frog jumps.

He then cuts off one of the frog’s legs says “Jump, frog, jump!”, the frog still ju...

I always follow what my dad says to my other dad

Another mans junk is another mans treasure

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance,

Then why doesn’t lightning only hit France?

People are always telling me to follow my dream.

But when you've been arrested for stalking and need bail money, they're nowhere to be found.

What do you eat to make your farts follow people?

Ghost peppers.

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints.

Your taste buds change every month. Want proof? Follow these steps.

1. Take a piece of bread or a fruit of your choice.

2. Take a bite of said food.

3. Wait a month.

4. Take another bite of that *same* piece of food.

If all goes correctly, you should have tasted something different.

My wife and I wanted to follow tradition and give our children respectable names from the Bible...

Our boys Cain, Lucifer, and Judas are truly a blessing.

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What planet follows Jesus ?

The Jew Peter

A cat follows his owner to work at a police station.

He is a copy cat.

A man comes back to his doctor for a follow-up visit.

He tells the doctor, "Hey Doc, I'm really not feeling too well. I hope you've got good news for me."

The doctor replies, "I do, but I also have some bad news. Which do you want first?"

"Give me the good news first."

"Well, I'm going to have a disease named after me and it migh...

I heard that BBC is making a prequel to Pride and Prejudice that follows the Bennet girls when they hit puberty

It's a period drama.

I live in knowledge that no matter what I do, there is someone who will always remember me and follow me through my entire life.

The taxman.

What do you call bamboo clusters that follow you?

Stalkers.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine Learning algorithm: yes.

A buddy of mine looked troubled, so i decided to follow him. For a couple of weeks, without him knowing.

Now he is diagnosed as paranoid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to follow a soft skills course “How to give constructive criticism”.

It was total shit.

When interacting with police follow their instructions carefully

Me: [hears knock on door] "Who is it?"

Trooper: "State Police identify yourself."


Me: "Police identify yourself"

Trooper: "State Police"

Me: "Police"

A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

There is a term used to describe Mongolians who follow Buddha's teachings.

They are referred to as "nomads."

Schools are always telling you to "follow your dreams..."

But my teachers never let me sleep in class.

What follows 16 sodium atoms?

Batman

When I have a headache, I take an Advil and follow the instructions on the bottle:



"KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"



(based on Kauffman, G. and Blakeley M. eds. 1980. Pulling Our Own Strings. Page 51)

A young man follows in his father's footsteps... (Long)

The father chopped wood


The son chopped wood


The father built the family home


The son helped expand it


The father did many manual labor jobs to feed the family


The son sacrificed schooling to help at these jobs


The father and son did ...

I don’t follow English soccer, but if I did, I’d be a supporter of West Ham.

The two things ISIS hates the most.

They say that if you do what you love, the money will follow.

And it's true: I love driving a Brink's truck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bad smell follows the bastard

A woman came home from work one day, and her husband of fifteen years had a rather dramatic message for her: he wanted a divorce.

Understandably, she was quite devastated by the news, and to make matters worse he demanded she move out of their home before the end of the month. He offered her ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, suspicious that his wife has been cheating on him hires a private investigator to follow her.

One night she tells her husband that she’s going out to see her mother.

The private investigator springs into action and follows her to the local bar. The private investigator then calls the husband and lets him know where she is.

Angry, the husband decides to load up his revolver, dr...

Follow that chicken

A guy was driving down the road one day when he sees some sort of creature coming up from behind him on the shoulder. As the thing goes past he realizes that is a chicken that is running alongside the road. Somehow managing to maintain a speed of over 40 miles per hour. Fascinated the guy decides ...

If one's wealth was determined by how closely one follows a moral code

Evangelicals would finally be as poor as Jesus wants them to be

What type of exercise plan did Jesus follow?

Crossfit.

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells hi...

A Navy recruit has his first day in the submarine.

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings o...

My New Year’s Resolution is to stop making commitments that I can’t follow through with.

I guess I already failed.

I bought a package with pre-measured ingredients to make Vietnamese soup, but the instructions were so hard to follow I gave up.

No surprise, I guess--it was called PhoKit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What religion do porn stars follow?

They're sac-religious.

Why shouldn't you follow female leader?

because she's "Miss Leading"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill had finally had it with his wife...

During a poker game one night, Bill, about four beers deep, tells his buddies that he’s had it with his wife and has decided to hire someone to kill her for $1,000

The other guys laugh, assuming that he’s joking, and Larry says “Shit, my buddy Artie just got out of prison and he’s the meanest...

Be careful when you follow the masses

Sometimes the M is silent.
.
I read it somewhere.

For my wife's birthday, I got a guy to follow her all day making bee noises.

She really wanted a hummer.

Request from a worried P*nis

I, the P\*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:



1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. In fact holidays and weekends are when I to...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To have a successful marriage, every man has to follow these four steps...

1. Find a woman who will love you unconditionally.
2. Find a woman who will always cook for you.
3. Find a woman who will always want to have sex with you.
4. And most importantly, ensure that none of these women ever meet.

What religion do Saudi Arabian cows follow?

Mooslim

I've never seen an Ole and Lena Joke on this sub. So here's some Norwegian?American humor.

Ole is a farmer in Bismarck, North Dakota. One day his cow dies and he needs to buy a new one. He looks in the paper and finds a cow for sale for $500. That a pretty good price, but it's all the way in Fargo. He doesn't really want to go to Fargo to buy the cow, but he decides it's worth it if h...

Whom do the inches follow?

Their ruler.

A man goes to the doctor for a follow-up on his Deep Vein Thrombosis

Doctor: "So I prescribed you blood thinners last month, have you been taking them?"

Man: "No. I have a great reason why not though"

Doctor: "Aaah! The clot thickens!"

Lenin, on his death bed, said to Stalin: How will you rule if so many do not wish to follow you?

Stalin calmly smiled at him: Don't worry, those who won't follow me, I'll make them follow you

A Chinese journalist is interviewing a riot officer about the protests occurring in his city.

Journalist: Do you find it difficult to follow orders that may harm the people protesting?

Riot Officer: I do, some of these people are my friends and neighbors. When given such a choice, the only thing I can really do is listen to my heart.

Journalist: And what does your heart say?...

What's the toughest commandment for IV drug users to follow?

Don't take God's name in vein.

Father: "Son, you shall follow in my footsteps of escorting climbers up Mt Everest."

Son: "Sher pa."

US follows Britain

BRITAIN: "Hey, America, watch this!"

*BRITAIN SETS ITSELF ON FIRE*

USA: "Cool. Can I borrow your lighter?"

Follow your dreams.........

Text them. Text them again. Show up at their job. Find out if their exes are prettier than you.

What did the cow say when his joke didn't follow the rules?

[remooved}

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circum...

We must follow our policy. . .

I was at the airport the other day to pick someone up but their flight was delayed so I wandered around a bit. I noticed a big scene at one of the airline check ins. there was this agitated vulture holding a couple of dead possums arguing loudly with a whole group of ticket agents. I kinda felt ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man on his deathbed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...

"To my son, David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East End of London. To my other son, Michael, I leave the 4 penthouses in Chelsea, and finally to my eldest son, Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge."

With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said, ...

Video: Finnish Navy and Yle mistakenly follow Russian nuclear submarine

Whoops. Wrong sub.

When is it bad luck to have a black cat follow you?

When you are a mouse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus sits down one day and considers the high rate of drug abuse that will follow long after his time on earth.

He thinks it is a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sends his apostles out to see what drugs they can find.

A couple of days later Jesus hears a knock at the door. “Who is it?”. “Paul.”Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring, Paul?”. “Hashish f...

Hey, do you follow /r/piratejokes?

Arr, there's not much to sea!

What climate scientist does Disney follow on twitter?

The rogue one

I used to wonder why my dog always follows me to the toilet

Then I noticed I always go with her when she goes, she probably thinks its some awkward bonding thing I am into and does not want to hurt my feelings.

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

“Where your clothes at, Slim?”

“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’

So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she tak...

A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar...

...and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them.
He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.”
He then turns to the second priest and say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male and female whale were swimming...

...off the coast of Japan when they noticed a
whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the
same ship that had harpooned his father many
years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets
both swim under the ship and blow out of our air
holes at the same time and it should cause th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Number 69

A Chinese couple get married and the new bride is a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to reassure her: "My darring" he says, "I know dis you...

What do you call those people who follow musicians around and try to hang with them after the show?

Drummers.

A wife accompanies her husband to a follow up appointment at his doctor.

Things go normally, but as they are about to leave the doctor asks if he can talk to her privately. The husband goes to the waiting room.

The doctor tells the woman, "I didn't want to scare him, but your husband has a very serious heart condition. As long as he is treated properly, he should ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by causing a massive fight at our families Labor Day BBQ

Now, a bit of background for you all.
Every year, my grandparents invite the entire family over to their place for their annual Labor Day barbecue.
Very rarely, my cousin Samuel decides to come along, and usually only if he's that desperate for a free meal.
Everyone in my family talks mad s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor…

The doctor looked him over and declared, “Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring…a BANANA.”
….
The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over, then doctor puts in...

Why do you always follow your instinct when doing trigonometry?

Beacuse you might have secant thoughts and go off on a tangent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is goo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Johnson walks into a Bank

He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?

BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Bor...

I just tried to follow Tim Howard on twitter...

I got blocked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife decide that each can give the other one 3 rules they have to follow.

The wife starts. ´First of all, I want to watch a movie togheter once every week. And I get to decide which one´ Her husband says: ´Of course I agree honey.´ The wife continues: ´Second of all, I want the house to smell nice. You need to make sure there are always 3 scented candles on.´ Her husband ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a brothel...

A distinguished gentleman addressing the matron: Madam, I have only $5, and the lady says to a girl: "Dolores, make a penguin to the gentleman".
The gentleman, hesitant, unaware of what a "penguin" was, follows the sweet damsel up the room, The girl begs him to lower his pants and so, standing ...

A man has been in a bar throwing them back all night.

Since he is a regular and never causes any trouble, the bartender lets him stay well past closing time.

The bartender has washed all the glasses, swept the floors, wiped the bar and tables down, and has closed down for the night. The bartender finally kicks him out just as the sun is coming ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at th...

Remember when glaciers were cool?

That's all. What's a good follow up? It's a climate change joke. Idk.

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a hung man asks his friend for advice

There is a man with a huge penis, 50 centimeters. He talks to his friend about the struggles he has with his big penis and that his wife would love him to have a smaller penis, as it hurts so much when they have sex.

The friend tells him there is an old lady living at the end of a near forest...

I can't follow these instructions on how to apply fake eyebrows

They are way over my head

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”



The woman says, “Just wait and see.”



She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.



The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”



The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”



The boss th...

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon.I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony o...

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar hysterical. He runs up to the bartender and says "help there's a wizard on a horse who's trying to kill me! Please I need to use your phone!" The bartender, thoroughly confused, studders and says "okay." The crazed man calls his wife, "honey, there's a wizard on a horse who's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man moves to Alaska...

He was offered a new job on a remote site in the cold wilderness. After a few weeks he is getting pretty bored and ask one of his coworkers was there anything to do for fun there for which he replied, "meet me after work I'll show you how we get our kicks here"
He meets him in a cold barren ice...

She doesn't follow Newton's law

I give her a stare but she doesn't give me an equal and opposite reaction

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old couple has decided to take their vacation in a foreign land

They've made a tight itinerary so they can see everything and left their valuables behind to keep safe. Unfortunately, neither thought to bring a watch. Worried about their schedule, they spot a man sitting next to a donkey and ask him the time. He happily assures them he can help.

Reaching u...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.