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Confront Jokes

Vladimir Putin confronts his speechwriter after giving a speech.

“You said my speech would be 15 minutes long, but I had to speak for 45 minutes!” Putin exclaims.

His speechwriter replies: “Mr President, I gave you three copies.”

I saw my girlfriend with another guy at the mall. I was about to confront them but I managed to calm myself down.

That wouldn’t be a good example to set in front of my wife and kids.

A behavioral scientist confronts her lab's receptionist:

'For the last time, I'm analyzing simulated populations. Not "playing with my imaginary friends"!'

(Shamelessly plagiarized from New Scientist)

A lad named Jack confronts his alcoholic father

“You stupid old man, our last name is Inoff you did this on purpose!”

His father replies “Nah I named you after Jack Daniels. But that’s pretty damn funny too!”

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,,.

only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" ...

Charles reached the Pearly Gates and was confronted by Saint Peter

\-*Welcome my dear, what's your name so I can check on the list?*

Charles gave him his name and Saint Peter looked it over and said:

\-*I'm sorry to inform you, but you are not on my list.*

Charles started to sweat and tried to argue:

\-But I was good, I did a lot of good...

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The navy trains dolphins

An elderly man rear ends a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!”

“Oh my” says the old man, I don't have that ...

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A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someon...

I confronted my housekeeper after she lied about servicing my house.

I just wanted her to come clean.

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

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Husband and wife go through tough times…

A husband confronts his wife about their financial situation….

Husband: “We’re broke, dear. We need to somehow make money fast…you might have to do some things you’ve never thought you’d have to do…”

The wife nods in agreement. She knows what needs to be done

The next day she go...

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Frog

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks...

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I tried to confront my friend about his sexual attraction to plants

But he kept on beating behind the bush

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

There once lived a Mr. Wrong

Since he was a wee lad, Mr. Wrong had it tough. He was a bright, brilliant young boy, but to his mother he would never be enough. Worse still, she'd make all sorts of outlandish statements to rub it into him that he would never amount to anything.

Mr. Wrong was tenacious though, as he'd delib...

A man walks into a bar to drink his sorrows away

Upon getting seated he is met by the bartender who shows him a magical 12 inch box, seating inside is a magical man playing the most soul touching piece on a mini grand piano.

Curious he asks the bartender, "wow where did you get this? What even is this?" The bartender told him there's a gen...

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Condom question

A girl is talking to her guy friend: "I found condoms in my boyfriend's jacket. We don't use condoms and when I confronted him, he told me he uses them to masturbate. Do you ever do that??"

"Sure", her guy friend replies.

"Really?? You masturbate into condoms??!"

"Oh", he respon...

I was eating a cheeseburger when I was confronted by a vegan.

The vegan said I should give up killing and eating cows, he said I should start eating vegan. If prepared right, you will get more vitamins and enjoy it more.

At the end of the day, he was right, cooked properly, he was delicious.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

After having failed his exam in Logic, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as is and go. If you howev...

King

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? The trembling monkey says, You are, mighty lion!Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals? The ...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18.
<...

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

What do the Danish do when confronted with consequences?

Cope and Häagen-Dazs

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I noticed my friend Ted had been doing drugs a lot recently, so I decided to confront him

I said to Ted, "You're addicted" He said: "I'm not a dick, what do you mean"

"I've never been good at dealing with confrontation."

"Pardon?"

"Nothing."

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The hunting license

A hunter went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hunters.

The game warden ordered to the hunter to show his hunting license, a...

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A young priest is new to a confregation

And he strikes up a conversation with a young nun. He tells her that on his studies in The Vatican he’s come to understand an important teaching that’s been neglected. Basically, it turns out the kingdom of heaven is sealed with an earthly lock. Luckily, men posses the key and women, the lock itself...

After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

After days of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, Larry finally confronted her.

"Admit it," he said. "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me a million dollars."

"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left the money with you."

A man walks in his front door, and is confronted by his wife, friends, parents. Everyone he loves is in this room. His wife comes up and hugs him...

“Honey. We all love you, but we need to talk to you.” She says gently.

“About what?” He asks, still in a bit of shock.

“You’re addicted to gambling.” She lets a single tear trickle down her cheek, forcing a weak smile.

He pauses for a long moment...

“FIVE BUCKS SAYS I’M ...

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Halloween party

Bob decides to throw a costume party for Halloween. He has an excellent turnout and the party is packed wall to wall. Everyone is dressed up... well almost everyone. Bob sees his co-worker George across the party just wearing a pair of jeans, no shirt shoes or socks, just jeans. So Bob decides to co...

[NSFW] "Are you having an affair with the postman" I confronted my wife.

"I'm not surprised that you would be jealous of a guy who is in and out of the house in 2 minutes". She replied

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I have eurotophobia (fear of women genitalia) and my therapist tells me I should confront my fear more

But every time I try I always end up beating around the bush

A young teacher confronts her math class of young kids with a simple question: “Three birds are sitting on a tree when a hunter comes and shoots one down, how many birds are left on the tree?”

“None!” shouts a boy across the classroom.

“Come here” says the teacher while the kid is approaching her through the weird looks of their classmates. The teacher calmly repeats the question again this time holding three fingers up for the sitting birds and removing one for the hunter’s victim...

A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar full of £20 notes and a large piece of meat hanging from the ceiling

He confronts the bartender about it, and he explains.

'You put your £20 note in the jar, and then you get 3 jumps where you can try and grab that beef on the ceiling. If you get it, you can keep it and all the money in the jar.'

The man thought about for the moment, shook his head reg...

Trump talking about buying Greenland is having Americans confront their biggest adversary...

...geography.

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

Whenever I try to confront my wife about blueballing me, she always cuts me off

I hate it that she never lets me finish

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"

She: "I will do that right away, officer."

The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.

He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"

She: "That was yester...

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge bear.

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, t...

A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “how would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or ...

A mechanic was drinking brake fluid at work

Every now and then he would drink a pint of it!

When the boss confronted him he said

"It won't become a problem now I can stop at any time!"

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Three men are confronted by the grim reaper [NSFW]

The grim reaper says to the three men, "I will spare your lives if you can each collect 12 pieces of fruit for me." All three men go their separate ways, and a few minutes later guy 1 comes back with 12 oranges.


The grim reaper says "before I can spare your life, you must complete one fin...

A wife confronts her husband while doing the laundry.

"Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar?" she demands.

"No," he says, looking puzzled. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."

I confronted a mime today.

He did unspeakable things.

A woman confronts her husband.

"Before we got married, you used to buy me gifts and expensive jewelry... how come you don't do that anymore?"

The husband pondered this question for a moment.

"Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to a fish that he already caught?"

A woman confronts her stalker.

The woman says, "I'm getting a restraining order so you'll legally have to stop following me!"
The man, outraged, yelled, "You can't do that! I haven't done anything wrong!"
"Watch me!", said the woman.
"Well, which is it?", replied the stalker.

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A boss is confronted with the difficult decision of downsizing one of his employees.

He spends all week reviewing employee files and records and finally narrows it down to two candidates, Jack Wilson or Betty Sims.

Friday comes around and he still hasn't made the decision. They're both equally qualified in every way, and neither has any real black marks on their record. Final...

Bar owner confronts the bartender.

Owner: Have you been sleeping with the waitress?

Bartender: No!

Owner: Good, then YOU fire her.

A father confronts his son...

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

My friends know me as sweet, funny, and non-confrontational

And my enemies know me as sweet, funny, and non-confrontational

Whenever I confront the messy baker

I'm always walking on eggshells.

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There was once a Japanese man named Fuk

Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.

Tragedy struck however, upon finis...

What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

A woman with a baby and she decides to take the bus...

When she enters the bus, the bus driver says "thats an ugly baby." The now furious woman goes to sit in the back of the bus, the man beside her notices that she is mad and he askes what the problem was. The woman said "the bus driver insulted me" so the man responded with "really... you should go co...

Why did the vegan avoid the confrontation?

He didn't want any beef.

I finally confronted the colleague drinking whole pot of common office coffee

How do you even sleep at night?

I confronted my friend when I suspected him of cheating with my partner.

He firmly denied being my friend.

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A man obsessed with trains gets a job driving one in a faraway country...

Some day, for absolutely no reason, he goes a little crazy and starts speeding up more than he should. In a winding curve, he loses control and the train goes off track killing hundreds of people. He goes to court and is sentenced to the capital punishment for the murder. On the death row, the execu...

What's the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear?

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear confrontations, the Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be alert for bears while in the field. …We advise that outdoorsmen wear small bells on their clothing so as not to startle b...

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Just been confronted by my next door neighbour, apparently there's been items going missing from her washing line.

I nearly shit her pants!

Joseph confronts Mary...

Joseph: "Mary, I've heard you've been prostituting your body through the town!"
Mary: "Don't worry, Joseph. I was just trying to make a little prophet."

They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead...

Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...

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My wife confronted me about my infidelity, so I told her "For me, sex is like an ocean."

"No man ever steps in the same sea twice."

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My roommate confronted me yesterday...

Do you think I'm a nosy bastard?

No! Of course not!

Then why did you write that in your diary!

Hugh Laurie was confronted by a police officer at his door.

It was a House arrest.

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Two guys are working a roofing job for a high rise condo

One guy is on the roof and the other is on the ground

The foreman on the roof realizes he forgot to grab his hand saw, so he goes to the edge to yell to his partner to bring it up.

"Hey! I need my hand saw!"

His partner cups his ear as if he didn't understand.

"**I NEED ...

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vagina.

a woman was sitting at home when there was a knock at the door, she opened the door and a man asked her, "lady, do you have a vagina?"

she slams the door in shock.

the next day, the man knocks on the door again, he asks her, "lady, do you have a vagina.?"

she slams the door agai...

I was confronted by an angry man today. I told him I come in peace

Apparently that's something you shouldn't say to Peace's boyfriend

What does a college kid do when confronted by an evil spirit?

He drinks it just like he drinks every other kind of spirit.

What do you do when an angry pack of clowns confronts you and tries to fight?

Go straight for the juggler.

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

Come in

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in."

Upon e...

3 dirty Star Wars jokes

1) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he finally got inside Princess Leia?

Because it was Luke warm

2) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he was eating Princess Leia?

Because she felt chewy

3) Did Han do the right thing when he confronted Leia about these?

No, that nig...

A police officer confronts a man who he thinks is high on marijuana.

"How high are you?" He asks.

"No,you said it wrong, it's 'Hi! How are you?'"

No smoking

A guy walks into a bar and immediately goes to the bartender to complain. "Did you know there are a couple of guys standing out front right by your door smoking?" the guy asks. "There was no way to come inside without being covered in smoke." "Dang it, not again!" the bartender exclaims as he heads ...

A couple moves into an apartment and decides to paper the living room.

They ask their neighbor, who has the same size living room, if he had ever papered his room and how many rolls he bought. The neighbor answers "Eleven".

So the couple buys 11 rolls of expensive wall paper and gets to work. To their surprise, after 8 rolls the living room is finished. Annoyed,...

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Make sure the intercom is switched off!

The plane lands and the pilot gives his usual speech, but he forgets to switch off the intercom.

The co-pilot asks the pilot what he has planned for the evening.

The pilot replies, “first I am going to shit, then I am gonna bang the shit out of the new stewardess”

The stewarde...

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The case of the missing condoms

A girl I was friends with in high school called me crying today. She had a question she needed to ask a guy friend. She said her boyfriend had just bought a box of a dozen condoms and now there are only six left, but they only had sex three times. When confronted her boyfriend said that sometimes...

A man asks his fiancee to get married...

She happily accepts his proposal, but he sets out a clear condition if they're to marry.

"I have a closet at the end of the hall, and I keep it locked. That is my personal space and I don't want anyone, including my wife, to ever enter. Can you agree to that?"

She thinks his request a ...

A joke I was told by an old man I golfed with.

A man was at the bar with a couple of his neighbors. One of his friends says "Have you seen that new pool boy the Johnsons hired? I heard he's had his way with all the women in the neighborhood except one."

Worried, the man goes home and confronts his wife. "Honey I heard the new pool bo...

Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, Sandy tells his mo...

A man named Rick walks into his room after a long day of work and sees his wife crying on their bed.

He askes her what it was all about and she said that she had been threatened by someone she thought was her friend earlier that evening.

Now, Rick has no idea how to handle this, so goes to confront his friend Lee, who has some experience with things like this.

After a long discussion...

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Even this is nothing

A kid roaming in the market with his mom saw a horny donkey with erected d\*ck. Pointing at that he asked "Mom, what is that ? "



Hesitatingly, she replied "Nothing" and took him away to home.



Somedays later, when moving around with his dad, he again saw that donkey with...

A worried father confronted his daughter

A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Rick's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month....

Sibling rivalry

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.

The eldest son bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.

The second son bought her a beautiful Rolls ...

Three Men stand before the gates of heaven

The angel who was the keeper of the pearl gates then asks how each of the three mean died. The first man, a big burly individual said "I'd suspected my wife of cheating for some time now, so I came home early to confront her when I was positive the other man was somewhere in our apartment. And when ...

Paddy was spending too much time down the pub….

… returning home drunk every night.

Finally, Paddy’s wife decided enough was enough and told him if he ever came home drunk again she would leave him.

The next night, Paddy met up with Seamus at their usual bar. Unfortunately, one thing led to another and by the end of the evening Pa...

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Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.

Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was e...

After 20 years of marriage.....

A woman finds out that her husband has been using a strap-on for the entirety of the marriage, so she confronts him. "What's with the strap-on?"

To which the man replies, "What's with the kids?"

Beware the viper

A man arrives home and checks his messages. He got one by someone with a creepy sounding voice, saying, “This is the viper. Tomorrow I am coming to your house!” The man is pretty frightened by this. Who is this Viper; a serial killer? A prank caller?

The man hopes it’s a prank call and...

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There was a man that bought a new pair of boots.

He was so proud of them, when he got home he walked up to his wife and said "notice any thing different?" she looked him over and just shrugged her shoulders. Mad as hell he stormed into the bathroom to admire them in the tall mirror, then took off every stitch of clothing bar the new boots. Butt na...

A catholic missionary is baptizing people in a river near an African village.

He pushes Mutombo under water and raises him again. Then he tells him:
"You are now Christian, and so you are no longer called Mutombo, you are now Joseph.
Oh and one more thing. Since you are Christian, you are no longer allowed to eat meat on fridays. "

The next friday, the priest...

A panda walks into a restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After the meal the waiter comes to the table to give the panda the check. Without a word the panda draws a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He then gets up nonchalantly and heads for the door. Seeing what just transpired the manager confronts the pan...

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A guy walks into a confession booth...

The joke is not in English but ill try to translate it the best i can.

A man goes to the church and tells the priest that he would like to confess something. They go into the booth and sit down, the guy tries to confess but he hesitates and leaves the booth. The priest tries to encourage the ...

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A man driving down the road sees a sign in front of a house that says “$5 for talking dog”

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to th...

Inheritance

Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, call out other men'...

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A performer finishes their act and gets a standing ovation.

Everyone in the theatre is clapping. Except one guy. He's just standing there with his arms folded.

Later that evening, the perturbed performer finds the man in the lobby and confronts him about his standing no-vation.

"You are mistaken, I was indeed clapping. When I see brilliance, ...

Beware of DNA tests!

In England, young Robert Keystone Townsend II, was given a DNA test from a friend for his birthday, which revealed a terrible family secret: His father was not his actual father, but still related somehow. When confronted with the question of why this horrible truth was hidden from him for so long, ...

Once there was a man and he had 5 dogs.

Once there was a man and he had 5 dogs. Every day he went walking with the dogs. Once day, he met a woman with 5 cats. They got talking and soon they were meeting everyday. They walked from the local supermarket, past the bar and down to the church. They got married and all five dogs married a cat e...

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A man goes to a bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over himself...

... He starts panicking because he was worried his wife was going to leave him for this.

Another person at the bar told him to say someone puked all over him, and put $20 in your shirt and tell him he gave you that to cover the cleaning. The man thinks it's a good idea and decides to give it ...

A researcher is startled to find that 90% of the internet is bots

When confronted that this was realistically impossible, he exclaimed “But all they do is quote movies, books, and shows, and EACH OTHER! No human could possibly be this unoriginal!”

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I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.

"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."

He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bo...

When you are in the kitchen you don't hear anything except your name

George is a house boy who drinks his boss' wine and then adds water for cover up.​ ​His boss became suspicious and decided to buy pasties ( A french wine that change colour if water added)​.

​As usual, George drank the pasties and topped it up with water. ​Unfortunately for him, the pasties c...

Not This Time

A man is blessed with four beautiful daughters but he always wanted a son. So he and his wife get to work and they try and try and finally are able to conceive a son. When the son is born, it's one ugly baby. The husband is visibly upset and suspects his wife cheated on him and decides to confront h...

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A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

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God vs Satan

In contrast to popular beliefs, Heaven and Hell dont lie above each other, but next to each other.
Because God didnt want people be tempted to cross sides, he came to an agreement with Satan: they would have a wall build and split the bill afterwards.
Ofcourse as you could imagin when the wal...

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The boy got his ass kicked by his bully after he followed his father’s advice.

The boy thought forsure that playing a nice tune on his violin would dissuade his bully from attacking him through the power of music.

He didn’t understand why it didn’t work, his father was a wise man. The father’s advice advice to the boy was:

“Son, sometimes you must respond to a ph...

A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mu...

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..' Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.. To...

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Of Ted

Me, Ted and the rest of the homies would meet every week no matter what and game at each other's house.

However as the weeks passed by, Ted became less excited about these sessions. It turned out that he had gotten himself hooked to smoking. It got so bad to the point whereby he even made ex...

Crabs

A guy picks up a five-dollar hooker and gets the crabs from her. Seeing her the following week, he confronts her and says, "You gave me the crabs!" She replies, "What did you expect for five bucks, lobster?"

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