"so are you having an affair with the postman?" I confronted my wife

"so typical of you to be jealous of someone who is in and out in 2 minutes" she replied.

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed:
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the Meat each week, came into the shop and said. "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know." Said the Butcher with a smi...

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I tried to confront my friend about his sexual attraction to plants

But he kept on beating behind the bush

What's the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear?

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear confrontations, the Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be alert for bears while in the field. …We advise that outdoorsmen wear small bells on their clothing so as not to startle b...

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

A couple moves into an apartment and decides to paper the living room.

They ask their neighbor, who has the same size living room, if he had ever papered his room and how many rolls he bought. The neighbor answers "Eleven".

So the couple buys 11 rolls of expensive wall paper and gets to work. To their surprise, after 8 rolls the living room is finished. Annoyed,...

What do the Danish do when confronted with consequences?

Cope and Häagen-Dazs

After having failed his exam in Logic, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as is and go. If you howev...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he ask...

"I've never been good at dealing with confrontation."

"Pardon?"

"Nothing."

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Even this is nothing

A kid roaming in the market with his mom saw a horny donkey with erected d\*ck. Pointing at that he asked "Mom, what is that ? "



Hesitatingly, she replied "Nothing" and took him away to home.



Somedays later, when moving around with his dad, he again saw that donkey with...

Sibling rivalry

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.

The eldest son bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.

The second son bought her a beautiful Rolls ...

A man asks his fiancee to get married...

She happily accepts his proposal, but he sets out a clear condition if they're to marry.

"I have a closet at the end of the hall, and I keep it locked. That is my personal space and I don't want anyone, including my wife, to ever enter. Can you agree to that?"

She thinks his request a ...

I was eating a cheeseburger when I was confronted by a vegan.

The vegan said I should give up killing and eating cows, he said I should start eating vegan. If prepared right, you will get more vitamins and enjoy it more.

At the end of the day, he was right, cooked properly, he was delicious.

A young teacher confronts her math class of young kids with a simple question: “Three birds are sitting on a tree when a hunter comes and shoots one down, how many birds are left on the tree?”

“None!” shouts a boy across the classroom.

“Come here” says the teacher while the kid is approaching her through the weird looks of their classmates. The teacher calmly repeats the question again this time holding three fingers up for the sitting birds and removing one for the hunter’s victim...

No smoking

A guy walks into a bar and immediately goes to the bartender to complain. "Did you know there are a couple of guys standing out front right by your door smoking?" the guy asks. "There was no way to come inside without being covered in smoke." "Dang it, not again!" the bartender exclaims as he heads ...

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vagina.

a woman was sitting at home when there was a knock at the door, she opened the door and a man asked her, "lady, do you have a vagina?"

she slams the door in shock.

the next day, the man knocks on the door again, he asks her, "lady, do you have a vagina.?"

she slams the door agai...

Paddy was spending too much time down the pub….

… returning home drunk every night.

Finally, Paddy’s wife decided enough was enough and told him if he ever came home drunk again she would leave him.

The next night, Paddy met up with Seamus at their usual bar. Unfortunately, one thing led to another and by the end of the evening Pa...

A man walks in his front door, and is confronted by his wife, friends, parents. Everyone he loves is in this room. His wife comes up and hugs him...

“Honey. We all love you, but we need to talk to you.” She says gently.

“About what?” He asks, still in a bit of shock.

“You’re addicted to gambling.” She lets a single tear trickle down her cheek, forcing a weak smile.

He pauses for a long moment...

“FIVE BUCKS SAYS I’M ...

Why men don't write advice to the lovelorn columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's hel...

A wife confronts her husband while doing the laundry.

"Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar?" she demands.

"No," he says, looking puzzled. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."

After days of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, Larry finally confronted her.

"Admit it," he said. "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me a million dollars."

"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left the money with you."

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go a...

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

3 dirty Star Wars jokes

1) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he finally got inside Princess Leia?

Because it was Luke warm

2) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he was eating Princess Leia?

Because she felt chewy

3) Did Han do the right thing when he confronted Leia about these?

No, that nig...

People in Finland aren’t typically violent during confrontations.

So while they may not start the fights, they sure do Finnish.

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

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3 men appear at the heavens gate. Next to them an angel appears and starts asking them how they got there

The first one starts telling: “I came home early from a day of work. When I suddenly hear my wife scream upstairs. I rush upstairs and see her laying in bed very frightened.I was going to confront her later but first I needed to catch the bastard. I also see the window open and rush to it only to se...

A woman confronts her stalker.

The woman says, "I'm getting a restraining order so you'll legally have to stop following me!"
The man, outraged, yelled, "You can't do that! I haven't done anything wrong!"
"Watch me!", said the woman.
"Well, which is it?", replied the stalker.

A woman confronts her husband.

"Before we got married, you used to buy me gifts and expensive jewelry... how come you don't do that anymore?"

The husband pondered this question for a moment.

"Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to a fish that he already caught?"

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Bar owner confronts the bartender.

Owner: Have you been sleeping with the waitress?

Bartender: No!

Owner: Good, then YOU fire her.

A joke I was told by an old man I golfed with.

A man was at the bar with a couple of his neighbors. One of his friends says "Have you seen that new pool boy the Johnsons hired? I heard he's had his way with all the women in the neighborhood except one."

Worried, the man goes home and confronts his wife. "Honey I heard the new pool bo...

A man was arrested for stabbing..

when the police confronted him he said, officer, I was standing on the corner cleaning my nails with my knife, and this man came running. He ran right into my knife, eight times.

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I noticed my friend Ted had been doing drugs a lot recently, so I decided to confront him

I said to Ted, "You're addicted" He said: "I'm not a dick, what do you mean"

After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

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I have eurotophobia (fear of women genitalia) and my therapist tells me I should confront my fear more

But every time I try I always end up beating around the bush

I confronted a mime today.

He did unspeakable things.

Trump talking about buying Greenland is having Americans confront their biggest adversary...

...geography.

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A man goes to a bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over himself...

... He starts panicking because he was worried his wife was going to leave him for this.

Another person at the bar told him to say someone puked all over him, and put $20 in your shirt and tell him he gave you that to cover the cleaning. The man thinks it's a good idea and decides to give it ...

A father confronts his son...

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

What does an anti-vaxxer say when confronted with logical reasoning?

“BEGONE, THOUGHT!”

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The case of the missing condoms

A girl I was friends with in high school called me crying today. She had a question she needed to ask a guy friend. She said her boyfriend had just bought a box of a dozen condoms and now there are only six left, but they only had sex three times. When confronted her boyfriend said that sometimes...

Beware the viper

A man arrives home and checks his messages. He got one by someone with a creepy sounding voice, saying, “This is the viper. Tomorrow I am coming to your house!” The man is pretty frightened by this. Who is this Viper; a serial killer? A prank caller?

The man hopes it’s a prank call and...

A researcher is startled to find that 90% of the internet is bots

When confronted that this was realistically impossible, he exclaimed “But all they do is quote movies, books, and shows, and EACH OTHER! No human could possibly be this unoriginal!”

Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife

and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday a...

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge bear.

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, t...

Whenever I try to confront my wife about blueballing me, she always cuts me off

I hate it that she never lets me finish

Batman goes to a party

To his surprise, he sees that the Joker is there too.

"He must be up to something," he thinks.

And so he sneaks up behind him, knocks him out, and puts him in a back room.

When walks out, he sees the Joker again.

"How did he recover so quickly?"

Once again he kno...

A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"

She: "I will do that right away, officer."

The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.

He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"

She: "That was yester...

A panda walks into a restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After the meal the waiter comes to the table to give the panda the check. Without a word the panda draws a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He then gets up nonchalantly and heads for the door. Seeing what just transpired the manager confronts the pan...

God vs Satan

In contrast to popular beliefs, Heaven and Hell dont lie above each other, but next to each other.
Because God didnt want people be tempted to cross sides, he came to an agreement with Satan: they would have a wall build and split the bill afterwards.
Ofcourse as you could imagin when the wal...

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Three men are confronted by the grim reaper [NSFW]

The grim reaper says to the three men, "I will spare your lives if you can each collect 12 pieces of fruit for me." All three men go their separate ways, and a few minutes later guy 1 comes back with 12 oranges.


The grim reaper says "before I can spare your life, you must complete one fin...

Beware of DNA tests!

In England, young Robert Keystone Townsend II, was given a DNA test from a friend for his birthday, which revealed a terrible family secret: His father was not his actual father, but still related somehow. When confronted with the question of why this horrible truth was hidden from him for so long, ...

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Make sure the intercom is switched off!

The plane lands and the pilot gives his usual speech, but he forgets to switch off the intercom.

The co-pilot asks the pilot what he has planned for the evening.

The pilot replies, “first I am going to shit, then I am gonna bang the shit out of the new stewardess”

The stewarde...

Inheritance

Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, call out other men'...

A catholic missionary is baptizing people in a river near an African village.

He pushes Mutombo under water and raises him again. Then he tells him:
"You are now Christian, and so you are no longer called Mutombo, you are now Joseph.
Oh and one more thing. Since you are Christian, you are no longer allowed to eat meat on fridays. "

The next friday, the priest...

Three Men stand before the gates of heaven

The angel who was the keeper of the pearl gates then asks how each of the three mean died. The first man, a big burly individual said "I'd suspected my wife of cheating for some time now, so I came home early to confront her when I was positive the other man was somewhere in our apartment. And when ...

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A performer finishes their act and gets a standing ovation.

Everyone in the theatre is clapping. Except one guy. He's just standing there with his arms folded.

Later that evening, the perturbed performer finds the man in the lobby and confronts him about his standing no-vation.

"You are mistaken, I was indeed clapping. When I see brilliance, ...

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A boss is confronted with the difficult decision of downsizing one of his employees.

He spends all week reviewing employee files and records and finally narrows it down to two candidates, Jack Wilson or Betty Sims.

Friday comes around and he still hasn't made the decision. They're both equally qualified in every way, and neither has any real black marks on their record. Final...

Crabs

A guy picks up a five-dollar hooker and gets the crabs from her. Seeing her the following week, he confronts her and says, "You gave me the crabs!" She replies, "What did you expect for five bucks, lobster?"

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There was a man that bought a new pair of boots.

He was so proud of them, when he got home he walked up to his wife and said "notice any thing different?" she looked him over and just shrugged her shoulders. Mad as hell he stormed into the bathroom to admire them in the tall mirror, then took off every stitch of clothing bar the new boots. Butt na...

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The three Billy Goats and their endowment

I heard this one in high school; I believe from an ostensible lab partner who mostly told lewd jokes instead of doing assignments:

You might remember the old fairy tale of the three Billy Goats who were confronted by a troll while crossing a bridge. Well it was a day just like that one, wher...

My friends know me as sweet, funny, and non-confrontational

And my enemies know me as sweet, funny, and non-confrontational

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.

Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was e...

Joseph confronts Mary...

Joseph: "Mary, I've heard you've been prostituting your body through the town!"
Mary: "Don't worry, Joseph. I was just trying to make a little prophet."

After 20 years of marriage.....

A woman finds out that her husband has been using a strap-on for the entirety of the marriage, so she confronts him. "What's with the strap-on?"

To which the man replies, "What's with the kids?"

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Well, there was this tiger who woke up one morning, and just felt great

(yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).

Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A...

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The boy got his ass kicked by his bully after he followed his father’s advice.

The boy thought forsure that playing a nice tune on his violin would dissuade his bully from attacking him through the power of music.

He didn’t understand why it didn’t work, his father was a wise man. The father’s advice advice to the boy was:

“Son, sometimes you must respond to a ph...

I finally confronted the colleague drinking whole pot of common office coffee

How do you even sleep at night?

What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

Why did the vegan avoid the confrontation?

He didn't want any beef.

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An angry man enters a bar.

The man begins shouting that all lawyers are assholes, exclaiming “give me a lawyer, I’ll show you there an asshole.”

This goes on until finally a man sitting at the bar comes over and confronts him.

He states “you know, I resent that.”

To which the angry man responds “what, ...

What do you do when an angry pack of clowns confronts you and tries to fight?

Go straight for the juggler.

Not This Time

A man is blessed with four beautiful daughters but he always wanted a son. So he and his wife get to work and they try and try and finally are able to conceive a son. When the son is born, it's one ugly baby. The husband is visibly upset and suspects his wife cheated on him and decides to confront h...

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A man driving down the road sees a sign in front of a house that says “$5 for talking dog”

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to th...

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My wife confronted me about my infidelity, so I told her "For me, sex is like an ocean."

"No man ever steps in the same sea twice."

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Of Ted

Me, Ted and the rest of the homies would meet every week no matter what and game at each other's house.

However as the weeks passed by, Ted became less excited about these sessions. It turned out that he had gotten himself hooked to smoking. It got so bad to the point whereby he even made ex...

A police officer confronts a man who he thinks is high on marijuana.

"How high are you?" He asks.

"No,you said it wrong, it's 'Hi! How are you?'"

They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead...

Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...

Hugh Laurie was confronted by a police officer at his door.

It was a House arrest.

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Just been confronted by my next door neighbour, apparently there's been items going missing from her washing line.

I nearly shit her pants!

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A guy walks into a confession booth...

The joke is not in English but ill try to translate it the best i can.

A man goes to the church and tells the priest that he would like to confess something. They go into the booth and sit down, the guy tries to confess but he hesitates and leaves the booth. The priest tries to encourage the ...

Whenever I confront the messy baker

I'm always walking on eggshells.

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My roommate confronted me yesterday...

Do you think I'm a nosy bastard?

No! Of course not!

Then why did you write that in your diary!

Parrot

A woman walks by a pet store everyday on her way to work and everyday the parrot out front calls her ugly!! Finally she confronts the store owner her apologizes profusely. He scolds the bird and promised that it wouldn’t happen again. Next day she walks by the store and again the parrot calls her ug...

A man named Rick walks into his room after a long day of work and sees his wife crying on their bed.

He askes her what it was all about and she said that she had been threatened by someone she thought was her friend earlier that evening.

Now, Rick has no idea how to handle this, so goes to confront his friend Lee, who has some experience with things like this.

After a long discussion...

I was confronted by an angry man today. I told him I come in peace

Apparently that's something you shouldn't say to Peace's boyfriend

When you are in the kitchen you don't hear anything except your name

George is a house boy who drinks his boss' wine and then adds water for cover up.​ ​His boss became suspicious and decided to buy pasties ( A french wine that change colour if water added)​.

​As usual, George drank the pasties and topped it up with water. ​Unfortunately for him, the pasties c...

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A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, Sandy tells his mo...

What does a college kid do when confronted by an evil spirit?

He drinks it just like he drinks every other kind of spirit.

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Oldie but goodie.

A man walks into a bar, and immediately notices a man on the other end of the bar with a tiny guy playing a tiny piano in front of him. Intrigued by this, the man walks up and asks where the hell the dude got the little guy playing a piano. The man said, "Oh, well, there's this cave out in the deser...

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Guy was driving in the outback.

He decides he needs a break and finds a bar off the beaten track and parks his truck..


He goes in and was confronted by a lot off pissed up bikers.


They started insulting him, so he had one beer then left.

The bikers started shouting, he was not such of a man was he.?...

A re-purposed religious joke for current events

A man went out without a mask, and was met with glaring eyes everywhere he went. He finally got to the store when someone confronted him as he got in.

"Sir, I'm going to need you to put on a mask. It's policy to wear one when you come in" said the guard blocking the doorway.

"No! I d...

Once there was a man and he had 5 dogs.

Once there was a man and he had 5 dogs. Every day he went walking with the dogs. Once day, he met a woman with 5 cats. They got talking and soon they were meeting everyday. They walked from the local supermarket, past the bar and down to the church. They got married and all five dogs married a cat e...

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Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

A man thinks that his wife is losing her hearing

He is getting very frustrated with her because of it, but she denies it when he confronts her about it. So one day he decides to set up an experiment to prove it to her.

He takes her out to the field behind their house and he places his wife at 100 yards away from him and shouts “Dolores!” H...

A worried father confronted his daughter

A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Rick's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month....

In an alternate reality, bears speak and coexist with humans.

A prominent electrician (who happened to be a bear) employed several humans for various positions within his company. Some were in customer service, handling the phones. Others were on-site technicians who drove around town from job to job. One human, Mike, was hired to do two different jobs inside ...

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A man went to his doctor because he had trouble peeing...

He complained about how he had to struggle to even get a few drops out. Frowning for a brief moment, the doctor assures him that a simple surgery would fix the problem.
The next day, the man returns to the hospital for the surgery and the doctor proceeds, the only issue being that the man's testi...

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I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

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The Kid's Betting Habits

A father was very upset about his young son's betting habits, so went up to school to talk to the boy's teacher, who promised to have a word with him.

"Maybe if he lost heavily on a bet, it would cure him," she suggested. That night after school she asked the boy to stay behind and confronted...

A man is sitting at home...

It's almost 22:00 and he's watching TV just about to go to bed. As he is heading upstairs, he hears a knock at the door and goes ahead to answer it.

It's a homeless man and the homeless man asks: "Can I please borrow a fork?" The man thinks nothing of it and gets the fork and hands it to the ...

Dad dates a lot of Denise’s

So true story that I laugh about from time to time: as I sit here on the thrown I thought would share with the world...

My father dated three woman for various years but they just so happen to have the same name... Of course we noticed this poked fun at him about it but these are years apart...

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A punk youngling and an old man on a bus (REALLY NSFW)

The old man sat next to the punk, then looked at him curiously, specially his mohawk hair.

After some seconds, the punk got irritated and confronted him with a glare "What? What's with people nowdays thinking i am crazy just because of my haircut and livestyle?" he growled "Haven't you made a...

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A Man Has Promised His Wife He Wouldn't Get Drunk Anymore

But his best friend is getting married and he decides to have just one drink at the bachelor party during the toast.

Well, one drink leads to another and the man falls off the wagon ... HARD! He's singing and dancing and stumbling his way around the party without a care in the world (or his h...

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TIL that McDonald's and police use the same training material.

It's a 5 step de-escalation procedure. You know, a kind that some corporate HR would come up. Ones with corny, forced acronyms. But this one actually works pretty well:

1. Believe
2. Listen
3. Apologize
4. Satisfy
5. Thank the customer

So when a customer gets all pissy abou...

A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mu...

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

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After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s boy,

the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. “It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age,” the neighbor said. “Sexuality?! ” the mother yelled. “He took out her appendix!”

A Mother found out her daughter is pregnant

A Mother found out her daughter is pregnant, she confronted her.





"How did this happen? I told you to take measures"





"I did took measures and went with the longest one."

A minister of a church meets with the church council

A minister of a church meets with the church council

The council says, “These are dire times. The church only has $5 million and we need about $10 million to survive”.

They all sit quietly, looking sad about this news. The minister then gets up and leaves the room.

The minister ...

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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.

"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."

He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bo...

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An old farmer and his neighbor butt heads

An old farmer lives in a world that is always a few generations behind the modern era. As the city grows, the suburbs encroach upon the rural countryside inhabitants that have stewarded these hills for the last 3 centuries. The farmer has a city-folk neighbor that moved in last year who often visits...

White priest goes and lives with an African tribe. He spends his days teaching the way of the lord.

After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further.

"Ok chief. See that flock of shee...

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

A sinful engineer dies and goes to hell

The first thing he notices is how hot it is, so he builds an air conditioner. He then proceeded to build more and more over time and thanks to this engineer, Hell is completely air conditioned and has a booming economy in a few years. One day, God decides to check on Hell and is baffled at how much ...

A stand-up comic gets a gig to perform at a old age home.

Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.

So he gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same joke for half an hour and towa...

I didn’t want to believe my friend was stealing from the road construction site.

But I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there.

Jim Bob Trains A Parrot

Jim Bob is walking to work and passes a pet store. There is a new parrot on a perch outside of a pet store.

“Squawk! Hello handsome!” Said the bird to Jim Bob.
Jim Bob smiles and goes inside to buy the bird.

“$1000 dollars” said the owner. Jim Bob doesn’t have the money but the ow...

If you're looking for a needle in a haystack...

...you should probably be more concerned about confronting your horse concerning his drug problem.

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Lost virginity

An 18 year old son promised his parents to return from prom by 2 AM the latest.

Time goes by as his parents eagerly waiting at home to hear how it went. Soon it is 2:00 and still no sign of the son. Then 2:30. The parents get a little worried because there is no sign of their son. At 3:00 th...

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A princess wanted to get married...

Deep in the German forests, there was a huge castle. It housed the king, his beautiful daughter and some servants. One day, the princess decided that she wanted to get married to a man. When she confronted her father and told him about her decision, he got very displeased and denied her request. Aft...

Grandpa was right...

"...when he told me not to go to the strip club, because there I'd be confronted with things I didn't want to see."

"Why, what did you see there?"

"My grandpa."

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