How do you assemble a computer?

Bit by bit

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the ...

A confused blonde asks her boyfriend to help her assemble a puzzle she bought in the supermarket.

She tells her boyfriend that the puzzle formed a chicken, since a picture of a chicken was on the box.

Eager to help, her boyfriend asked her to bring him the puzzle as soon as possible.

The blonde brings the puzzle to her boyfriend's house. When she sees her boyfriend, she shows him t...

A blonde called her boyfriend and said,

“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “ According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decide...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The artist and the museum (long)

An artist is approached by a man who says he's to be the curator of a new museum dedicated to General George Custer and he wanted to hire the artist to paint a mural that was to be the centerpiece of the largest display.

The artist agrees and asks the curator if he had any particular subject...

A guy goes to Ikea for a job interview

“Welcome sir, nice to have you. Please assemble that chair over there and take a seat.”

If you watch a movie with Jackie Chan backwards...

You will get a documentary about a Chinese guy who assembles furniture with his feet.

Sharing...

An elderly couple stands at the counter at the local burger joint. The man orders a deluxe burger, large fries, and a cup of decaf. The counter clerk turns to the woman and asks her what she would like.

“Oh, nothing for me, deary. My husband and I share everything.'”

The clerk hits a k...

So the “Wolf of Wall Street” has the f word used 569 times making almost 3 times a minute

That record was broken by my dad this afternoon while trying to assemble an ikea tv stand

Thor, Iron Man and Hulk walk into IKEA...

Avengers... Assemble

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"A razor up the queen's vagina"

In a kingdom far far away, there lived a king and a queen. The king was always under the suspicion that the queen might be cheating on him with some of the knights of his court.

One day, he needed to go to the neighbouring kingdom to meet with the king who ruled over there. Before setting of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Didn't you hear about that scandal at NASA's JPL in Pasadena?

hey guys, did you hear about that story that came to light a few years ago? At Caltech's Jet Propulsion Laboratory (where they assemble a bunch of the spacecraft that they go on interplanetary missions on, such as Voyager 1 & 2, all of the mars probes, and Cassini, for a few examples) round 2010...

Prom is near.

So prom is near.
A couple named Jacob and Scarlet have been dating for a few months and Jacob asks her if she wants to go to prom.

"Of course!" she says. "But I require three things first. A limo, flowers, and you must wear a tux."

"Okay" says Jacob.

He has procrastinated t...

A company of the French Foreign Legion are lost in the desert...

The Captain assembles his men and says: "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is... we have run out of food and there is nothing to eat but sand. The good news is... there's plenty."

Military Humor

I had to translate. You can help me fix it.


Lieutenant Colonel to Major:
“There is a total solar eclipse coming tomorrow at 9am, which does not happen every day. Assemble all soldiers on exercise field, I will provide explanation. In the event of rain, since we won’t be able to see it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl just got her new mirror and asks it...

Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the most beautiful of all?

And the mirror answers:
"Yiu err hte meost beutifel off ael"

...every fucking time I try to assemble this IKEA shit

Man overboard!

An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he ditched his escorts and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a seaman, and decided to ask a few questions to check the level of training aboard.

"Sailor," he asked, "what would you do if someone fell over the rail?...

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