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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

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A famous explorer visits a tribe of all-male natives in the Amazon and asks “how do you guys sexually satisfy yourself?”

The chief replies: “Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s...

Days ago, i learned how to crack neck. The sound and feeling are really satisfying.

Although the bodies are starting to pile up.

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

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A burglar entered a bedroom, tied up the husband and wife,

kissed the wife's ear and went to the bathroom.. The husband said to the wife "satisfy him or he will kill us, be strong. I love you" Wife said "he didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay, he needs vaseline and I told him it's in the bathroom. So be strong, I love you too.

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Do I ever fail to satisfy my girlfriend sexually?

A small part of me says yes.

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wi...

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An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

How many men does it take to satisfy my wife

Just one, as long as it’s not me

You do the Math

A lawyer writes a letter to his wife Janie...

My Dear Janie,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not...

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I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.

He told me to give her a handjob.

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A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a Jack and coke. The bartender says “I’ve got you” and hands him an apple.
“Youve got to be joking” said the man
“Just do it. Trust me” said the bartender

The man shrugged. What could be the harm in eating an apple anyway? He took a satisfying crunch from the...

How did the pervert find the sheep in the tall grass?

Very satisfying.

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A man on an airplane notices this very attractive blonde sitting next to him... (Long)

As the flight begins she removes a book from her bag and starts to read. The man immediately notices the title; "Confessions of a Nymphomaniac" and he's instantly transfixed.

After a few moments, she pauses her reading to take a drink and the man seizes his opportunity... "so" he says, "I ju...

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

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A Drive in the Country

A man and a woman meet at a bar and are having a great time. The woman says, "I know a place a few miles outside of the city where we can get loud and crazy.

They get in his car and drive about 10 miles. The woman teases his cock the whole time he is driving. When they arrive the woman says,...

[LONG] A guy was shipwrecked and ended up on an island..........

A guy was shipwrecked and ended up on an island. After wandering
around for a few hours he was captured by the local tribe of cannibals and
taken back to the village. After a good meal and a rest he was taken before
the king and told that, as it was the king’s birthday, he would get a ch...

What's 3 inches and can satisfy a woman?

Your credit card.

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The Three Challenges

**TL;DR:** Jokes don't have TL;DRs.

A man named Andrew walks into a bar, makes his way to the stool and asks the bartender for some Whiskey, on the rocks.

As the bartender serves Andrew his order, his eyes fall on a relatively large jar of money filled with $100 bills. He gets curious...

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TIL that McDonald's and police use the same training material.

It's a 5 step de-escalation procedure. You know, a kind that some corporate HR would come up. Ones with corny, forced acronyms. But this one actually works pretty well:

1. Believe
2. Listen
3. Apologize
4. Satisfy
5. Thank the customer

So when a customer gets all pissy abou...

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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

How do you satisfy a graphic designer in the bedroom?

Bring out the GIMP

Husband files for divorce. In the court, judge asks why, he says - she doesn't satisfy me.

The wife replies - the entire neighborhood is satisfied, he is the only one always complaining.

A wife accompanies her poorly husband to see the doctor. After the check up the doctor asks to have a quiet word with the wife. He tells her that her husband is in a really poor way and unless she does the following her husband will surely die. ...

“Firstly, you must make him a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner daily. Try to be pleasant and make sure he stays in a good mood. Don’t ask him to do chores around the house. Allow him to relax in front of the TV with a glass of his favourite brew each day. Make love to him daily and satisfy his...

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Unemployment

A young fella with his pants hanging half off his arse, no front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local unemployment office to pick up his benefit money.

He strolled up to the counter and said:
"Hi there, you know what... I really HATE claiming benef...

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Love at first sight

A guy and woman were sitting in a bar, their eyes met from across the room and it was love at first sight. They stood up together and approached each other. After a few drinks the man said "I know this is crazy but lets get married". The woman responded with "It is crazy but i was thinking the exact...

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

Ole has not been satisfying Lena lately, so he goes off to the doctor

When he comes back he is wearing pinstripe trousers, ruffled shirt with silk tie, a frock coat and a tall hat. He has a huge gold pocket watch and is smoking a cigar the size of a dachshund, and he is leaning on a silver-mounted ebony walking stick.

"Ole!" yells Lena, "what on earth are you d...

I was finally able to satisfy my wife last night.

I let her choose the new kitchen design

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex

To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.

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I've always been worried that my penis isn't big enough to satisfy my wife.

But I've never heard her moan.

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A group of soldiers are walking in the woods, lost and in need of shelter

After hours they stumble across an old shack, with smoke coming out of it. The leader goes inside to check and hopefully find someone who can help them. Inside is an old woman, all dirty. The man explains their situation and she makes a deal with him. She says: “I haven’t had a good fucking in a lon...

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A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this

She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special...

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A farmer loses his only cow and is now struggling to makes ends meet.

He has 3 sons who work with him in the fields. Let's call them A, B, and C with A being the oldest and C the youngest.

Later that night, unbeknownst to them, the father walks into the woods to commit suicide but he meets an Angel instead.

The Angel asks, "why are you crying, old man?"...

A zoo has the most amazing gorilla specimen, but no mate for her...

They cannot find someone to satisfy this amazing female gorilla but cannot find any gorillas strong enough to withstand her.

Eventually they realize the janitor, Hank, is a very big, strong and hairy man. The zoo owner approaches him and says:
“Hey Hank, you know Lucy the gorilla? Woul...

For those who don't know how to satisfy a woman...

The 'G' spot is located at the end of the word shopping.

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What kind of night is it, during which you get satisfying oral sex?

A suckcessful one!

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A man can't satisfy his wife in bed..

He only lasts about 5 seconds. So on the way to work one day, he stops by the doctor and tells him his problem. The doc tells him to jerk off before having sex and that should help him last longer. So the man leaves and goes to work. The wife calls him later that day at his desk and reminds him that...

A mans life

So a lonely gentleman finds himself a attractive lady of the night to help satisfy his physical desires. After some negotiations they retire to a nearby hotel to consummate their business. While disrobing the young lady sees that the gentleman is rather unendowed, pointing and laughing she asks, “Wh...

I went to the doctor and told him that I’m having trouble ‘satisfying’ the wife. He told me I should do what he does, so I asked, “What’s that, then?”

He chuckled, “Earn 100k a year!"

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Factual Headlines

Day 1: A famous priest arrives in Seattle airport gets accosted by a reporting asking, "Sir, what are your thoughts about Seattle prostitutes?"

The priest responded, "There are prostitutes in Seattle?"

*News headline the next day: "Famed priest asks about prostitutes upon arriving Seat...

How many black Oscar nominees would it take (compared to white nominees) to satisfy the boycotters?

Three-fifths as many seems like a generous offer.

Why is pickle flavored bread so satisfying?

Because it's made with a dill dough.

Do you want to satisfy your hardcore food fetish?

Buy my new book: 50 Shades of Grey Poupon

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Park Ranger

A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare
species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla
became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination,
the park veterinarian determined the problem: The gorilla was
in heat. To make matters worse, there...

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

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