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Contact Jokes

I was attempting to get in contact with a contortionist for an interview earlier today.

Fortunately, she was very flexible.

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Two aliens land on Earth in the middle of nowhere near a gas station and one of them gets out to make first contact.

He goes to the gas pump and says "Hello, we're from outer space, and we'd like to establish relations, how can I find your leader?"

Obviously, the pump doesn't respond so the alien is rather annoyed by such rudeness but he tries again.

"Yeah so we're just trying to get in touch with yo...

If you are ever looking for some advice, you should contact a surgeon specialising in circumcision.

They have plenty of tips.

In my contacts, I should rename my crush to potassium

Because she is always responding with "K"

The contact lens is mans greatest invention

At least in my eyes

A British trawler is sailing off the coast of Germany when suddenly the ship starts taking in water.

The ship is sinking fast and the captain immediately gets on the radio to contact the German coast guard.

"Help!" he exclaims, "We're sinking! We're sinking!"

A hesistant voice comes from the radio. "Um...v-vot are you sinking about?"

A man’s wife doesn’t come home one night.

The next morning, the wife tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house. The husband then contacted all of his wife’s friends asking about it: none of them said that she was staying the night.

A few nights later, the husband doesn’t come home one night. Just like his wife, the...

A guy with no arms……. (Long)

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, ‘I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.”

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near t...

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

Want to contact the spirit of a dead Italian?

Use a Luigi board.

There once lived a homeless man

The homeless man is wandering about a riverbank one day, when he spots a young woman whose tripped and fell into the river.

Being the kind soul he is, he doesn't hesitate to jump in and rescue her.

All is well, as he managed to save her from drowning.

Suddenly, the richest man ...

Two sisters inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 available.

The older sister says, "I’m going t...

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Classic gift

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, as they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note... romantic, but not too personal.


Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went...

Psychic medium: So you would like to contact your late wife?

Me: Yes

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: Oh my god, it’s her!!

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

“How did you do it?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

As the alien onslaught continued, linguists were working furiously to translate the only message they’d received in response to our plea to understand why they were attacking.

The President was in his bunker trying to figure out where the first contact went wrong. He told his aide, “They landed and I went up to the leader and greeted him in peace. They immediately ran back back to their ship, and started their assault.”

Just then, the lead linguist ran into the r...

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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

A slender woman met her friend for brunch. Talk turned to the renovations the friend was doing on her very old home.

The friend complained that, due to the very old carpentry and fixtures in the home, she needed a pair of oversized drill bits but couldn't find them anywhere. The first friend pulled out a pair of huge drill bits from her purse and asked if they would do. The second friend was thrilled and asked whe...

Hi-Tech Tire Flat Joke, revisited

I got a flat in a high-tech tire on my bicycle.

I contacted the manufacturer, and they downloaded a patch.

Unfortunately, it was a cheap, 2-bit patch

Only covered a quarter of the byte the dog took out of my tire.

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A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke in...

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A professional singer was contacted by a priest who asked if she would sing at the funeral of a homeless man with no family, who had recently passed away.

Moved with compassion, the singer agreed. The priest informed her that, since he had no relatives or money, the man would be buried in a paupers grave in the countryside, and informed the singer she would have to drive herself. On the day of the funeral, the singer set out in her car following the d...

How do they contact the dead in Scandinavia?

With a Norwegia-board





I'll see myself out.

Local MILFs in your area want to contact you

Your mother called you

Arab student in Germany.

An arab student studying in Germany contacts his father saying "I feel ashamed that I come to college on a Lexus and the Doctors who teach me come by train".

His father sends him a check with 100 million $ and a note saying "here go buy yourself a train and don't embarrass us with the Germans...

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Why do doctors recommend avoiding sexual contact with the ears

Hearing Aids

This guy walks into a bar...

...bellies up to the bar and orders a beer. The place is mostly empty, just him at the bar, and he's been there a short while when in walks a gorgeous brunette. She looks around, not seeing him and then marches straight to the back of the joint and sits down at a corner table in the back with a cru...

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Was very nearly on a gameshow.

It was called Number Quest and involved answering math based question while standing in large numbered circles.

Anyway, just before I went on, I really needed to pee, but the producer was shouty and intimidating, so I was too afraid to ask. Plus it was live, so I didn’t think I had time.
...

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I find it difficult too make eye contact with women because I'm very shy

I also can't stop staring at their tits

A man, Jones, had an accident resulting in both of his ears being ripped off.

Despite his handicap, he is able to start up his own company that is moderately successful and it is soon time to recruit a new employee. After a long selection process, he is left with 3 candidates to interview.

The first candidate walks in, and Jones ends the interview by asking him, "Do yo...

The whole family are having breakfast together when…

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.


His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer,"...

An airliner is in the middle of its flight when pilot is contacted by air control

"Delta 627, you need to reduce your altitude 5.000 feet." "What for?" is the pilot skeptical. "Noise avoidance." responds the controller. "Noise? What noise? We are at 35.000 feet, what noise could there be?" responds our pilot, now curious. So the air controller humours him: "Have you ever heard ho...

Did you know that ants can't contact COVID-19?

Because they have anty bodies.

Dave’s military experience

Dave just got a promotion in the army, but unfortunately this new position put him at the forefront of bearing the bad news. After 30 days in service, he is informed by HR that John’s wife died, and he should inform him kindly of the event.
Next day at morning call, Dave goes :
-John, your wi...

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

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An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker .

**He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.**
**“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.**
**This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d...

At the meeting location, why did the spymaster keep looking up, rather than scanning the crowd for his contact?

He was told the informant would be “in de skies”.

Chuck Norris came into contact with the Coronavirus

The virus is now in quarantine for at least 14 days.

Two soldiers in a forest

Two soldiers are patrolling a forest, suddenly one of them collapses to the ground and the other begins to panic.

He picks up his walkie talkie and contacts his captain, he says "I need help! my partner collapsed to the ground and isn't moving, I think he's dead!"

The Captain responds:...

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

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Why did Adolf Hitler wear contacts?

Because he could Nazi.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing golf.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest sa...

The last time I went through a TSA checkpoint at an airport I was wearing my contact lenses.

The TSA guy looked at my driver's license, looked at me, and looked at his my driver's license again. He started to turn to get his supervisor. I said "if you want, I'll put my glasses on, I have them with me." He looked bewildered, but he cleared me through all by himself.

Now I understa...

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

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Sal the boxing promoter gets a call Saturday morning of fight night

“Hey boss, it’s Joe at the gym. Big Frank’s had an accident and broke his thumb. He can’t fight for a month”
Sal goes into a melt down. Big Frank was his heavyweight prospect and the headline of that nights card in the Big Apple. Faced with refunding the tickets he gets on the phone to all the ot...

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

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A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

After hundreds of years of speculation, aliens have finally contacted earth. They prepare a simultaneous broadcast to all humans to give us their message:

*Hello people of Earth! We have been trying to reach you about your planet’s extended warranty*

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My girlfriend was mad because she found out that her contact name was “Bitch” on my phone.

Good thing she didn’t notice that it was “Bitch #3”.

The New Secretary

The CEO of a large company was in need of a secretary. He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he though...

Having worn contacts for the past few years, it’s become really easy to put them in.

So easy that I bet I could do it with my eyes closed.

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Well, I accidentally sent a nude photo of me to everyone in my contacts list

It cost me a small fortune in stamps.

I ordered contact lenses last week and only received an empty box

Apparently it was a contactless delivery

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When carriages were first invented they had the donkey constantly backing up so they could maintain eye contact with the driver and remain calm.

Soon afterwards however they realized that the idea was completely ass backwards.

A Doctor tells his patient I have bad news and worse news.

Oh dear! What’s the bad news? Asked the patient. The doctor replied, you only have 24 hours to live. That’s terrible! Said the patient, but how could the other news possibly be worse? The doctor replied, well I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday!

Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19

Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19. She called the number and her own phone rang.

Husband is now in isolation.

A Farmer leaves his farm in the care of the farmhand

A farmer has to travel for a week, so he leaves his farm in the care of his farmhand. Before he goes, he instructs him: 'Do not call me for every little issue or problem you have. Only if it's a big issue, contact me!'

Four days pass and the farmhand calls him at his hotel: "Boss, the broom ...

a mexican was kidnapped and taken to one of the florida keys as prisoner, one day he found a phone and was able to contact the authorities, when asked where he was, he said:

Akey

Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

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"Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Dani...

I deleted all the German contacts out of my phone...

now its Hans free

These days, iron and steel are traded on the international commodity market, and if you need some, you just need to contact a trader.

Formerly, if you wanted iron or steel, you would need to go to an ironworks or even a blacksmith's and negotiate directly with the men who made it.

Whoever smelted, dealt it.

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Quit Your Job. Sell Your House. Go to Vegas.

This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Las Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep.

The next day h...

My nose is like all the boys I make eye contact with-

It started running and won’t stop.

The first woman on the Moon contacted Houston.

"Houston, we have a problem."

*"What is it?"*

"Never mind."

*"What's the problem?"*

"It's nothing."

*"Please tell us."*

"I'm fine."

My wife tried to order contact-less delivery.

But I guess that's not how having a baby works.

Electrician goes into coma after coming in contact with power lines.

“He should be fine,” say the doctors. “He’s just taking a power nap.”

To whoever stole my contact lens

I will always have my eye on you

My daughter refused to wear her contacts

I told her, "No daughter of mine is going out looking like that!"

Did you know that people wearing glasses aren't allowed to play american football?

That's because it's a contact sport.

I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently.

I used a Squeegee board.

Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that...

Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home.

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Since getting Coronavirus symptoms, the doctor advised my wife to avoid sexual contact with me.

As if she needed the reminder.

No Contact?

Places seems to be advertising “No contact delivery”, and “No contact click n collect” a lot these days. Was there ever a contact option?..

“Thanks for the pizza, ready for the cuddle?”.

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A man finally decides to give contact lenses a try...

An Ontario man finally decides to get rid of his glasses and give contact lenses a try. He gets them in the mail, tries them on and is astounded at the results. To celebrate, he decides to take a long drive into Quebec to admire the changing leaves.

He crosses the border and gets very excited...

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My friend and his girlfriend loved sexting, so I bought him a gift so they could always stay in contact.

In hindsight her funeral probably wasn’t the best time to give him the Ouija Board.

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Accidents can happen. I once accidentally sent a dick pic to every person in my contact list.

The stamps costed me a fortune.

A bankers mother died recently and he contacted his socially isolated brother to see if he could help in any way.

Leave me a loan, the brother said.

Where did Epstein keep his friends’ contact info?

PDF files

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A soldier was seriously ill with malaria he contacted while serving at Guadacanal.

Because of his serious illness, he was evacuated to a hospital located in Austrialia. When he woke up, and found himself in a bright room, with an angelic faced nurse looking down at him.

Seeing this, he thinks he's in heaven, and through his cracked lips, he stammered "ddddddid you bring me...

Apparently a girl likes you if they make eye contact, face towards, or smiles at you.

I think my mom likes me...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

Why is it best not to try to contact the German Coast Guard when your ship is going down?

When you tell them you're sinking, they will just ask you what you are sinking about?

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Three men go to Hell [Long]

One random night 3 men went out drinking and having a good time. Drunk, swaying side to side, they decided it was a good idea to walk down the middle of a road. As they get further down the road a truck came through and didn't see them. All three men were hit and died instantly. These 3 men were al...

I tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal

But the line was always busy

It used to be if you wanted to buy large quantities of coke you contact Pablo Escobar.

Today however, you can get all you can drink for 1$ at McDonalds.

My girlfriend asked me where her contact lenses were.

I said they were right in front of her eyes

Any glue experts who can help me?

I needed to attach a velvet Elvis painting to a pink flamingo lawn ornament, so I grabbed a bottle of contact cement. The instructions said to apply to both surfaces and wait until they’re no longer tacky before putting them together. That was 6 months ago, and they’re still tacky. How much longer d...

Why the Martians haven't contacted us?

They missed the opportunity

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

A psychic goes into an opticians to get his contact lenses replaced.

Upon learning his customers profession, the optician asks what next year has in hold for him.

The psychic replies "Alas, I cannot tell you"

The optician, who has had a terrible year up to this point, begs him for just a basic reading, even offering free contact lenses for a year.
...

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

Eye doctor: Have you been sleeping with your contacts?

She: No no, not all of them!

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

What's the worst part about trying to contact a bingo player?

You have to send them a letter with your number B4 they'll respond.

A boys called 911 in order to contact the police

Operator: Hello, can you please state your emergency.

Boy: I need help, two girls are fighting over me.

Operator: So what's the problem here?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

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4th of July bash

A career Wall Street stockbroker was burnt out and decided to go off the grid completely. He had enough of that dog-eat-dog lifestyle, the stress, the non-stop rat race of NYC, the constantly fluctuating stock market, and his many irate clients.

So, he decided to leave New York and buy a cabi...

As a true American Patriot I always put phone numbers I want to ignore under the contact "Freedom"

Because I always let Freedom Ring.

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First Contact

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

Th...

I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm...

I think I might be artistic.

My wife got mad at me just because I accidentally hoovered up her contact lenses.

To be fair, she was wearing them at the time.

Someone dropped their contact lens in the parking lot. I can see why they didn't pick it back up...

But they can't.

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Eye contact

The only time I made eye contact with my girlfriend during sex was when she unexpectedly entered the bedroom.

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An Arabian oil tycoon met this very attractive lady and fell absolutely in love with her. so he proposed to her, claiming he would be able to grant her anything in the world. The lady not wanting to offend him by rejecting him outright, thought of ridiculous requests that are near unfulfillable

For the first request she said she'll only marry him if he buys her a 1000 acre mansion, thinking that there isn't and give up. Surprisingly the tycoon said "Ok, I build I build" and immediately gets his butler to contact a construction company to build it.

Next the lady decided to make her ...

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Had to contact amazon, my sex toy wasnt delivered by drone.

They said they dont give a flying fuck.

A man went to doctor as his legs were getting blue

A man goes to a doctor and tells him that his legs are slowly turning blue
Doctor checks his leg and tells him that his legs have came in contact with something poisonous and should be cut off else it will spread in his whole body.

Doctors then chop off his legs and he goes back to his hom...

Since Luigi died in the Smash direct, what do we have to use to contact him?

A Louija board

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A guys wife is in a coma. He goes in one day to see her and decides to sneakily grab a handful of boob. The alarms at the nurses desk go off. Doctors come in and tell him that more physical contact could wake her from the coma. They advise he should attempt oral sex to wake her up...

Minutes pass and the alarms go off again but the doctors discover that she’s now dead. They ask the man what happened?

“She choked”

I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.

Now I'm Hanns free.

Two men are having a fight

First guy swings, but there's no contact.

Second guy swings, no contact.

First guy swings, no contact.

Second guy swings, no contact.

Some dude sitting on a bench nearby sees these two fools swinging and missing, he walks over and takes a swing at the first guy. He doe...

How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to say it.

Last night I slept with my contact lenses on.

My dreams have never been clearer.

An alien was sent to earth to make contact with the human race...

He crash lands in the woods of Siberia. Wandering around, he spots two men sitting by a tree, drinking.He thinks what's the best way to make contact. After a while, he approaches them:

"I am Salurn".

"Pour him some vodka, Ivan. It's quite cold. Let him warm up"

He accepts the dr...

Respect people who wear glasses.

They paid money to see you and some have contacts.

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There are a few nuns that go to a priest for confessions. The priest goes to the first nun and says," Answer honestly, have you ever been in contact with a human penis?"

The 1st nun says," Once I accidently opened the
door when a guy was changing and saw his penis."

The priest says," That's fine, go and wash your
eyes in the holy water. Next!"

The 2nd nun says," Once I accidently touched a
guy's penis."

The priest says," Okay, just...

I want to pay respects to the Mars Rover that NASA lost contact with.

It's a missed Opportunity.

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

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What does it mean when a man makes eye contact with a woman while she speaks?

Her tits aren't nice

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