This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend was mad because she found out that her contact name was “Bitch” on my phone.

Good thing she didn’t notice that it was “Bitch #3”.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

I tried to contact my grandad using a Ouiga board but I had no luck.

I just called his cellphone instead to be honest.

Anyone have contact info for a girl named Celine?

Doctor said I have to shoot inceline three times a week to control my diabetes.

My wife got mad at me just because I accidentally hoovered up her contact lenses.

To be fair, she was wearing them at the time.

How did Mario contact his dead brother?

A Luigi board.

​

^(I'm so sorry.)

I got a new phone, and lost all my contacts.

Thank god.

A doctor contacts his patient, John, over the phone.

“I’ve got bad news and worse news, John.” He tells his patient grimly.

“Oh no! What is it?” John asks.

“Well, the bad news is that you have a day to live.”

“That’s awful! How can there be any worse news?”

“I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

What's the worst part about trying to contact a bingo player?

You have to send them a letter with your number B4 they'll respond.

Apparently a girl likes you if they make eye contact, face towards, or smiles at you.

I think my mom likes me...

I want to pay respects to the Mars Rover that NASA lost contact with.

It's a missed Opportunity.

An alien was sent to earth to make contact with the human race...

He crash lands in the woods of Siberia. Wandering around, he spots two men sitting by a tree, drinking.He thinks what's the best way to make contact. After a while, he approaches them:

"I am Salurn".

"Pour him some vodka, Ivan. It's quite cold. Let him warm up"

He accepts the dr...

As a true American Patriot I always put phone numbers I want to ignore under the contact "Freedom"

Because I always let Freedom Ring.

I'm really afraid of human contact

It's a bit of a touchy subject

I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.

Now I'm Hanns free.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

It used to be if you wanted to buy large quantities of coke you contact Pablo Escobar.

Today however, you can get all you can drink for 1$ at McDonalds.

When he gets ill, and old man contacts a daughter he hasn't seen in years and convinces her to bring her family to meet him before he dies.

The woman and her son spend the better part of the day with him in the hospital, while her husband spends the day cleaning the old man's house and taking care of various logistical concerns.

When he arrives, he notices that while his wife is quite happy, their son looks miserable, so he pulls...

Since Luigi died in the Smash direct, what do we have to use to contact him?

A Louija board

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Accidents can happen. I once accidentally sent a dick pic to every person in my contact list.

The stamps costed me a fortune.

My daughter refused to wear her contacts

I told her, "No daughter of mine is going out looking like that!"

When I got eye contacts it really improved my social life

Now I can recognize people's faces

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guys wife is in a coma. He goes in one day to see her and decides to sneakily grab a handful of boob. The alarms at the nurses desk go off. Doctors come in and tell him that more physical contact could wake her from the coma. They advise he should attempt oral sex to wake her up...

Minutes pass and the alarms go off again but the doctors discover that she’s now dead. They ask the man what happened?

“She choked”

How do prisoners contact each other?

Cell Phones!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 very spiritual lovers make plans to contact one another through a seance if one of them dies.

they live with this goal in mind, for another happy 20 years of marriage, and then the husband gets crushed by a bus.

the wife arranges a seance exactly 3 months later, as pre-arranged, and contacts the deceased

"oh darling, are you ok? are you in heaven?"

"oh yes. I cannot beli...

Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard

You just gotta eyeball it

I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm...

I think I might be artistic.

I messed up today by sending a picture of my junk to everyone in my contact list.

Cost me a fortune in stamps too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.

&#x200B;

On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - wh...

I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone

Now it's Hans-Free

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are a few nuns that go to a priest for confessions. The priest goes to the first nun and says," Answer honestly, have you ever been in contact with a human penis?"

The 1st nun says," Once I accidently opened the
door when a guy was changing and saw his penis."

The priest says," That's fine, go and wash your
eyes in the holy water. Next!"

The 2nd nun says," Once I accidently touched a
guy's penis."

The priest says," Okay, just...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does it mean when a man makes eye contact with a woman while she speaks?

Her tits aren't nice

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the G...

Liars tend not make eye contact,

which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don’t have eyes.

What do black guy's have that is twice the size of white men's, and expands upon contact with a woman?

A criminal record.

I don't like trying to contact our unborn child.

But my wife gets a kick out of it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

First Contact

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

First "Contact"

In the years that followed first contact between humanity and an alien race, individuals from both species took steps to integrate their two cultures. At one of several social conventions held to further this goal, a human couple and an alien couple meet and discuss their common traits. They eventua...

Pokemon go should contact Hillary Clinton.

I hear she has some servers

Last night I slept with my contact lenses on.

My dreams have never been clearer.

How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail?

They exchange cell numbers.

After long consideration, my wife and I have decided we do not want to have children.

If anybody here does want children, just leave your contact info and we'll drop them off tomorrow

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.

So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I ...

Warning to the person who stole my glasses.

I have contacts!

In light of the Pope allowing aliens into the catholic church...aliens make contact with humanity

upon hearing the news, the Pope arranges to meet with the leader of the aliens.

Once the two are seated and have enjoyed a short bit of pleasant conversation, the Pope asks the alien leader, "tell me, have you heard of Jesus?"

The alien leader looks at the pope before smiling in realiz...

A man with only one ear interviews candidates for a job

He is kinda' sensitive about his missing ear, so he asks to the first candidate "do you notice anything different about me?"


The guy hesitates and says "yes, sir, you have only one ear". He is dismissed on point.


The man asks the same question to the second candidate, which rep...

How do truckers contact each other in Wisconsin?

They use a Milwaukee-Talkie

A man has been riding through the desert for months without any female contact...

...he is trying to ignore the urges but they are getting worse with time. After a while he has a sudden idea, jumps off the camel, walks to the back, lifts the tail and lets out a happy shriek because the camel is female!
However the target is quite high up. So the man starts collecting sand unti...

Was having a problem with one of my contact lenses.

Fortunately, my wife had the solution.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy 10 stories up needs a saw

He's working on a construction crane, and he yells down to a worker below. He gets no reply. They do make eye contact, however. So he tries sign language. He points to himself, points to his knee, and then makes a sawing motion. "I kneed saw" The guy below gets the idea, rips his belt off, throws hi...

I have used contact lenses my whole life...

I can apply them with my eyes closed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some women enjoy eye contact during oral sex on a gentleman

Others say it stings.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

How do you contact dead window cleaners?

Use a squeegee board.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Abdulla tried to contact the soul of his cousin, Naved, who had exploded himself as a suicide bomber

Abdulla tried to contact the soul of his cousin, Naved, who had exploded himself as a suicide bomber.

Abdulla wanted to know whether the 'Jihad' legend is true. Especially about the 72 virgins they get.

So he asked ' how is the social life bro?'

Naved said ' amazing bro. I can...

Why is it so hard to contact comedians?

Because their marketing is a joke.

A missionary on a mission trip to Africa saves a baby elephant from sure death.

Long time past since then and he is back home with his kids at the zoo one day. There was an elephant show when suddenly this one elephant stops and looks very carefully at this man. Slowly comes up to his seat maintaining the eye contact. Then all of a sudden he picks the man with his trunk throws ...

A hundred year-old man and his 98 year-old woman contact a lawyer to arrange a divorce...

...and lawyer asks them "how long have you been married?"

"80 years" the man replies.

"Why do you want a divorce after all this time?" the lawyer asks.

"We hate each other. I hate everything about her. I hate how she talks, how she walks, how she sleeps, how she chews her food...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to a brothel for the first time.

He is a bit shy, talks to the Madame in charge and quietly ask if he can spend some time with a girl with big tits and a tight pussy. The Madame assures him this is indeed possible and invites him to take a seat in the bar area and have a drink first, while the girl gets ready. The guy sits down and...

Why don't any American football players wear glasses?

Because it is a contact sport!

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with no ears is conducting 3 interviews.

He needs to find very observant candidates, but is very
sensitive about his ears.

He asks the 1st candidate, "We need very observant people. What is something you observe about me?"

He replies, "Well, you have no fuckin ears..." The interviewer gets angry and throws him out.
...

4 engineers repairing a car

*there are 4 engineers in a car but it doesn't start*

Mechanical engineer: the spark plug must be broken

Chemical engineer: there must be impurities in the gas

Electrical engineer: the contact must be broken

Computer engineer: what if we exit and enter the car ano...

A fly flew into my boyfriend's eye...

Told him they'd stop bugging him if he made less eye contact.

A man goes to the doctor for blood tests [long]

After extended testing and an agonizing wait, he finally gets a call from the doctor to immediately come into the office and to have as little contact with others as possible.
On arrival he is greeted by a nurse in full bio suit and whisked into a barren room.
The doctor comes in, also in fu...

How is France like francium?

They both burst into flames when coming in contact with anything.

3 blondes walk into a police station...

...looking for a job as a detective. They meet with the police chief who says "I'm going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."

He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says "He's only got one eye". The police chief respo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been in a couple of threesomes.

Usually the other guy will be getting oral and I'll be hitting it from behind. I've found that as long as I don't make eye contact with the guy on the other end, or the guy in the middle, it doesn't feel gay.

What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?

A Catholic will make eye contact with you at the liquor store.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men are walking on the beach.

They come across a strange looking vase in the sand and one of them tries to pick it up. However it is very brittle and crushes to dust as soon as it is touched, and a genie pops out.

"I don't normally grant wishes to more than one person, but I'll make an exception," the genie says. "Each of...

Brown bears vs. grizzly bears

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see an...

A man goes into a Massage Parlor for his first Thai Massage

He's a little nervous because he's never gotten one before.

Before they start the woman asks him if he has any questions.

He says, "What should I expect?"

She replies, "Well you'll wear loose, comfortable clothing and lie on a mat. Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotio...

The boss with no ears

Three men are waiting outside the office of an executive for a job interview. The first man goes to walk in, but the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits...

Does anyone need an Ark?

If so contact me, I Noah guy.

Why can't someone who wears glasses get a job?

They don't have any contacts!

A plumber

is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber make eye contact with the lady in the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contac...

The three blonde detective trainees

A police officer was tasked to train three blonde women to become detectives.

He showed them a picture of a man for five seconds before asking the first blonde how she would recognize him in the streets. "Oh, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The police officer exclaimed: "Are you stu...

Told my crush I like girl with glasses

The next day, she invented contact lenses.

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

Nighttime Prayers

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

&#x200B;

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"... The little girl said, "I do...