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How does Super Mario contact his brother?

With a Luigi board.

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A professional singer was contacted by a priest who asked if she would sing at the funeral of a homeless man with no family, who had recently passed away.

Moved with compassion, the singer agreed. The priest informed her that, since he had no relatives or money, the man would be buried in a paupers grave in the countryside, and informed the singer she would have to drive herself. On the day of the funeral, the singer set out in her car following the d...

Psychic medium: So you would like to contact your late wife?

Me: Yes

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: Oh my god, it’s her!!

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

Local MILFs in your area want to contact you

Your mother called you

How do they contact the dead in Scandinavia?

With a Norwegia-board





I'll see myself out.

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

“How did you do it?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

The New Secretary

The CEO of a large company was in need of a secretary. He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he though...

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

An airliner is in the middle of its flight when pilot is contacted by air control

"Delta 627, you need to reduce your altitude 5.000 feet." "What for?" is the pilot skeptical. "Noise avoidance." responds the controller. "Noise? What noise? We are at 35.000 feet, what noise could there be?" responds our pilot, now curious. So the air controller humours him: "Have you ever heard ho...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with ...

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Why do doctors recommend avoiding sexual contact with the ears

Hearing Aids

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I find it difficult too make eye contact with women because I'm very shy

I also can't stop staring at their tits

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

How do people in Italy contact the dead?

With a Louija board.

A man went to doctor as his legs were getting blue

A man goes to a doctor and tells him that his legs are slowly turning blue
Doctor checks his leg and tells him that his legs have came in contact with something poisonous and should be cut off else it will spread in his whole body.

Doctors then chop off his legs and he goes back to his hom...

Did you know that ants can't contact COVID-19?

Because they have anty bodies.

I once saw a couple of coders get into a fight

It was so vicious they almost made physical contact.

Why can't football players wear glasses?

It's a contacts sport

Chuck Norris came into contact with the Coronavirus

The virus is now in quarantine for at least 14 days.

Two men are having a fight

First guy swings, but there's no contact.

Second guy swings, no contact.

First guy swings, no contact.

Second guy swings, no contact.

Some dude sitting on a bench nearby sees these two fools swinging and missing, he walks over and takes a swing at the first guy. He doe...

The last time I went through a TSA checkpoint at an airport I was wearing my contact lenses.

The TSA guy looked at my driver's license, looked at me, and looked at his my driver's license again. He started to turn to get his supervisor. I said "if you want, I'll put my glasses on, I have them with me." He looked bewildered, but he cleared me through all by himself.

Now I understa...

At the meeting location, why did the spymaster keep looking up, rather than scanning the crowd for his contact?

He was told the informant would be “in de skies”.

Three College Graduates in McDonald's

Three recent college graduates met in McDonald's, and the engineering major said, "Did you see the new wind turbines going up on the east side of town? They had asked our class to run some stress studies during windstorms as an exercise".

"Yes", the geology graduate said, "They also contacte...

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An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

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Why did Adolf Hitler wear contacts?

Because he could Nazi.

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Call from the Afterlife

Bill and Ted are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.

Ted dies. Bill doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Ted.

‘So there is an afterlife! W...

Want to contact a dead Italian....

Use a Luigi board.

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An Arabian oil tycoon met this very attractive lady and fell absolutely in love with her. so he proposed to her, claiming he would be able to grant her anything in the world. The lady not wanting to offend him by rejecting him outright, thought of ridiculous requests that are near unfulfillable

For the first request she said she'll only marry him if he buys her a 1000 acre mansion, thinking that there isn't and give up. Surprisingly the tycoon said "Ok, I build I build" and immediately gets his butler to contact a construction company to build it.

Next the lady decided to make her ...

The last joke I heard from my grandfather before he passed away. Paraphrased because it was so long ago. Still my favorite joke.

You know, I wasn't always the strong Christian man I am today. I was a little wild before I met your gram, but we all have club stories, right? Some better than others, but they're all an important part of our history. Anyway, one night I went out to a club. It was a weeknight, so it wasn't like it ...

A brunette and her blonde sister live in the rural Southwest US, having inherited their family ranch.

The Great Depression hit them hard, and they only have $600 left.



Fearing that their ranch would be repossessed, the brunette goes to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. She tells her sister "I'll come and contact you when I make the purchase", and promptly departs.

<...

Any glue experts who can help me?

I needed to attach a velvet Elvis painting to a pink flamingo lawn ornament, so I grabbed a bottle of contact cement. The instructions said to apply to both surfaces and wait until they’re no longer tacky before putting them together. That was 6 months ago, and they’re still tacky. How much longer d...

There is a medieval town with a group of friars.

You know the ones, balding on top, fringe of hair, gray-robed religious folks. They are having a meeting to discuss the lack of donations to the church.

"Donations are at an all time low, it just isn't enough to support the church any more! Anyone have any ideas of how we could make more mone...

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

After hundreds of years of speculation, aliens have finally contacted earth. They prepare a simultaneous broadcast to all humans to give us their message:

*Hello people of Earth! We have been trying to reach you about your planet’s extended warranty*

My wife and I have reached that difficult decision. We do not want children.

So, If anybody does, please just send me your contact details

and we can drop them off even tomorrow.

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

Having worn contacts for the past few years, it’s become really easy to put them in.

So easy that I bet I could do it with my eyes closed.

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A man needs a Christmas gift for his new girlfriend. . .

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal.

He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she’...

The frog population in the Okeefenokee Swamp was declining...

Biologists determined it was due to the frogs inability to stay coupled while mating. They contacted an organic chemist at MIT who came up with a solution. He mixed some plasticizers with some adhesive and most importantly one part sodium. The concoction worked perfectly and the swamp was soon re-po...

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The Admiral

An Admiral, whom lost one of his ears in an accident and was very
sensitive about his appearance, was interviewing a Navy Master Chiefs,
an Aviation Master Chief and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal
staff...


The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it w...

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

These days, iron and steel are traded on the international commodity market, and if you need some, you just need to contact a trader.

Formerly, if you wanted iron or steel, you would need to go to an ironworks or even a blacksmith's and negotiate directly with the men who made it.

Whoever smelted, dealt it.

I got pulled over by a state trooper the other day.

Trooper: Your license states that you're required to wear corrective lenses. Where are your glasses?

Me: It's ok. I've got contacts.

Trooper: Listen pal, I don't care who you know!

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When carriages were first invented they had the donkey constantly backing up so they could maintain eye contact with the driver and remain calm.

Soon afterwards however they realized that the idea was completely ass backwards.

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Hiking advisory

Hikers who visit this forest should be aware that both black bears and grizzly bears can be found here. We suggest the following precautions for your safety.

Please wear small bells on your clothing to alert wildlife of your presence so they stay away. Please have pepper spray with you at all...

a mexican was kidnapped and taken to one of the florida keys as prisoner, one day he found a phone and was able to contact the authorities, when asked where he was, he said:

Akey

My wife tried to order contact-less delivery.

But I guess that's not how having a baby works.

Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19

Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19. She called the number and her own phone rang.

Husband is now in isolation.

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Well, I accidentally sent a nude photo of me to everyone in my contacts list

It cost me a small fortune in stamps.

I ordered contact lenses last week and only received an empty box

Apparently it was a contactless delivery

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A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

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My girlfriend was mad because she found out that her contact name was “Bitch” on my phone.

Good thing she didn’t notice that it was “Bitch #3”.

I always thought people wore contacts because it doesn't change your appearance...

... but when I look in the mirror and put on my contacts I always get uglier.

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Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Daniel...

My nose is like all the boys I make eye contact with-

It started running and won’t stop.

Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to say it.

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When are all of you people going to understand that the government...

AND companies like Bridgestone, Windsor Salt and Big Shovel are BRAINWASHING you into believing that winter and snow is real thing. It is completely FALSE and made up to KEEP us pinned down in our houses during the winters. I for one am SICK AND TIRED of being told that I need to shovel my driveway ...

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An employee at a supermarket

An overworked and underpaid employee was stocking shelves at his local supermarket. Naturally, he was very tired and didn't care about anything going on around him. Out of nowhere, an old woman with a Karen haircut comes up to him and says "hey you, tell me what those little green things in the pods...

A plane crashes in the pacific ocean. The only survivors are five men and a gorgeous woman

After a few days they end up on a desert island. After several failed attempts to get in contact with the outside world, they give up and come to terms with the fact that they have to spend the rest of their lives on this island.

They quickly acquire the necessary skills to build houses and l...

Electrician goes into coma after coming in contact with power lines.

“He should be fine,” say the doctors. “He’s just taking a power nap.”

Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that...

Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home.

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Julia was organizing a cat show

Julia was organizing a cat show and needed a trophy for the first prize. So she contacted a sculptor to create a trophy that resembled a beautiful persian cat.

Julia and the sculptor got together to discuss the plans for this trophy. She wanted the base to be made of the finest white marble w...

A desperate zoo

The leading zoologist gets a phone call one day from a desperate zoo, asking him to come right away and they will pay double.

He gets to the zoo and talks to the head keeper who explains that unfortunately while they were moving the animals around it seems like one of the zebra’s has got preg...

I deleted all the German contacts out of my phone...

now its Hans free

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

To whoever stole my contact lens

I will always have my eye on you

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Since getting Coronavirus symptoms, the doctor advised my wife to avoid sexual contact with me.

As if she needed the reminder.

No Contact?

Places seems to be advertising “No contact delivery”, and “No contact click n collect” a lot these days. Was there ever a contact option?..

“Thanks for the pizza, ready for the cuddle?”.

I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently.

I used a Squeegee board.

Hot woman gets on a full bus

There are several guys sitting, and as the bus leaves, none of them offer her a seat. They won't even make eye contact.

After a few seconds, to no-one in particular, she says, "I can't believe how rude men are today. To leave a woman in... my condition, standing on a bus! My grandma would be ...

The first woman on the Moon contacted Houston.

"Houston, we have a problem."

*"What is it?"*

"Never mind."

*"What's the problem?"*

"It's nothing."

*"Please tell us."*

"I'm fine."

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

A bankers mother died recently and he contacted his socially isolated brother to see if he could help in any way.

Leave me a loan, the brother said.

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A man finally decides to give contact lenses a try...

An Ontario man finally decides to get rid of his glasses and give contact lenses a try. He gets them in the mail, tries them on and is astounded at the results. To celebrate, he decides to take a long drive into Quebec to admire the changing leaves.

He crosses the border and gets very excited...

My daughter refused to wear her contacts

I told her, "No daughter of mine is going out looking like that!"

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My friend and his girlfriend loved sexting, so I bought him a gift so they could always stay in contact.

In hindsight her funeral probably wasn’t the best time to give him the Ouija Board.

I tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal

But the line was always busy

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Dog goes into a bank….

Dog goes into a bank, looking to secure a loan to expand his doghouse.

One of the bank loan officers comes over to assist, a Mrs Black. She sits down with the dog and starts into the loan process. Mrs. Black asks the dog, “What do you need the loan for?”

To which the dog responded,...

Eye doctor: Have you been sleeping with your contacts?

She: No no, not all of them!

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A soldier was seriously ill with malaria he contacted while serving at Guadacanal.

Because of his serious illness, he was evacuated to a hospital located in Austrialia. When he woke up, and found himself in a bright room, with an angelic faced nurse looking down at him.

Seeing this, he thinks he's in heaven, and through his cracked lips, he stammered "ddddddid you bring me...

Apparently a girl likes you if they make eye contact, face towards, or smiles at you.

I think my mom likes me...

A psychic goes into an opticians to get his contact lenses replaced.

Upon learning his customers profession, the optician asks what next year has in hold for him.

The psychic replies "Alas, I cannot tell you"

The optician, who has had a terrible year up to this point, begs him for just a basic reading, even offering free contact lenses for a year.
...

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Accidents can happen. I once accidentally sent a dick pic to every person in my contact list.

The stamps costed me a fortune.

Why the Martians haven't contacted us?

They missed the opportunity

Why is it best not to try to contact the German Coast Guard when your ship is going down?

When you tell them you're sinking, they will just ask you what you are sinking about?

I recently attempted to contact the mods of r/anarchy...

But I couldn't find any!

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

A boys called 911 in order to contact the police

Operator: Hello, can you please state your emergency.

Boy: I need help, two girls are fighting over me.

Operator: So what's the problem here?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

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One day a woman was checking her husband's phone.

One day a woman was checking her husband's phone.

There were three contacts of ladies saved in it, The Lady that is tender, The lady that is Amazing, and the lady of my dreams.

The wife called the lady that is tender and her husband's mother answered.

Then she called the lady th...

Someone dropped their contact lens in the parking lot. I can see why they didn't pick it back up...

But they can't.

As a true American Patriot I always put phone numbers I want to ignore under the contact "Freedom"

Because I always let Freedom Ring.

My wife got mad at me just because I accidentally hoovered up her contact lenses.

To be fair, she was wearing them at the time.

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Eye contact

The only time I made eye contact with my girlfriend during sex was when she unexpectedly entered the bedroom.

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Had to contact amazon, my sex toy wasnt delivered by drone.

They said they dont give a flying fuck.

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl... One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor.

After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and...

I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm...

I think I might be artistic.

I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.

Now I'm Hanns free.

Since Luigi died in the Smash direct, what do we have to use to contact him?

A Louija board

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A guys wife is in a coma. He goes in one day to see her and decides to sneakily grab a handful of boob. The alarms at the nurses desk go off. Doctors come in and tell him that more physical contact could wake her from the coma. They advise he should attempt oral sex to wake her up...

Minutes pass and the alarms go off again but the doctors discover that she’s now dead. They ask the man what happened?

“She choked”

I want to pay respects to the Mars Rover that NASA lost contact with.

It's a missed Opportunity.

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Not again...

There was a boy who was born without a body, just a head. HIs mother searched far and wide for a doctor that could help him. One day she she was contacted by a specialist that promised he could attach a body to the boy. His mother was so excited and rushed to her son's room to tell him she had a ...

did i ever tell you about the time that i was contacted by a former partner who was working in italy via the money transfer service i was using?

I was not ready when my ex communicated by the paypal authority

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First Contact

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

Th...

An alien was sent to earth to make contact with the human race...

He crash lands in the woods of Siberia. Wandering around, he spots two men sitting by a tree, drinking.He thinks what's the best way to make contact. After a while, he approaches them:

"I am Salurn".

"Pour him some vodka, Ivan. It's quite cold. Let him warm up"

He accepts the dr...

A dog walks into the unemployment office..

"I need a job." He said, in perfect English.

Surprised, the clerk says "I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?"

"If you like." Replied the dog. "But why would the circus need an architect?"

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

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There are a few nuns that go to a priest for confessions. The priest goes to the first nun and says," Answer honestly, have you ever been in contact with a human penis?"

The 1st nun says," Once I accidently opened the
door when a guy was changing and saw his penis."

The priest says," That's fine, go and wash your
eyes in the holy water. Next!"

The 2nd nun says," Once I accidently touched a
guy's penis."

The priest says," Okay, just...

I'm really afraid of human contact

It's a bit of a touchy subject

When he gets ill, and old man contacts a daughter he hasn't seen in years and convinces her to bring her family to meet him before he dies.

The woman and her son spend the better part of the day with him in the hospital, while her husband spends the day cleaning the old man's house and taking care of various logistical concerns.

When he arrives, he notices that while his wife is quite happy, their son looks miserable, so he pulls...

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