This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pastor in church once made eye contact with me while giving a fiery sermon on how masturbators will burn in hell

Reluctantly, I put my penis back in my pants.

I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses on last night...

My dreams never have been clearer.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

Why is it best not to try to contact the German Coast Guard when your ship is going down?

When you tell them you're sinking, they will just ask you what you are sinking about?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend was mad because she found out that her contact name was “Bitch” on my phone.

Good thing she didn’t notice that it was “Bitch #3”.

I tried to contact my grandad using a Ouiga board but I had no luck.

I just called his cellphone instead to be honest.

How did Mario contact his dead brother?

A Luigi board.

​

^(I'm so sorry.)

An alien was sent to earth to make contact with the human race...

He crash lands in the woods of Siberia. Wandering around, he spots two men sitting by a tree, drinking.He thinks what's the best way to make contact. After a while, he approaches them:

"I am Salurn".

"Pour him some vodka, Ivan. It's quite cold. Let him warm up"

He accepts the dr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

I got a new phone, and lost all my contacts.

Thank god.

A doctor contacts his patient, John, over the phone.

“I’ve got bad news and worse news, John.” He tells his patient grimly.

“Oh no! What is it?” John asks.

“Well, the bad news is that you have a day to live.”

“That’s awful! How can there be any worse news?”

“I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

My wife got mad at me just because I accidentally hoovered up her contact lenses.

To be fair, she was wearing them at the time.

Anyone have contact info for a girl named Celine?

Doctor said I have to shoot inceline three times a week to control my diabetes.

My daughter refused to wear her contacts

I told her, "No daughter of mine is going out looking like that!"

As a true American Patriot I always put phone numbers I want to ignore under the contact "Freedom"

Because I always let Freedom Ring.

I'm really afraid of human contact

It's a bit of a touchy subject

I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.

Now I'm Hanns free.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

When he gets ill, and old man contacts a daughter he hasn't seen in years and convinces her to bring her family to meet him before he dies.

The woman and her son spend the better part of the day with him in the hospital, while her husband spends the day cleaning the old man's house and taking care of various logistical concerns.

When he arrives, he notices that while his wife is quite happy, their son looks miserable, so he pulls...

Since Luigi died in the Smash direct, what do we have to use to contact him?

A Louija board

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Accidents can happen. I once accidentally sent a dick pic to every person in my contact list.

The stamps costed me a fortune.

Apparently a girl likes you if they make eye contact, face towards, or smiles at you.

I think my mom likes me...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guys wife is in a coma. He goes in one day to see her and decides to sneakily grab a handful of boob. The alarms at the nurses desk go off. Doctors come in and tell him that more physical contact could wake her from the coma. They advise he should attempt oral sex to wake her up...

Minutes pass and the alarms go off again but the doctors discover that she’s now dead. They ask the man what happened?

“She choked”

When I got eye contacts it really improved my social life

Now I can recognize people's faces

I decided to stop wearing my contact lenses...

I look better without them.

How do prisoners contact each other?

Cell Phones!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 very spiritual lovers make plans to contact one another through a seance if one of them dies.

they live with this goal in mind, for another happy 20 years of marriage, and then the husband gets crushed by a bus.

the wife arranges a seance exactly 3 months later, as pre-arranged, and contacts the deceased

"oh darling, are you ok? are you in heaven?"

"oh yes. I cannot beli...

I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm...

I think I might be artistic.

Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard

You just gotta eyeball it

I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone

Now it's Hans-Free

I messed up today by sending a picture of my junk to everyone in my contact list.

Cost me a fortune in stamps too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are a few nuns that go to a priest for confessions. The priest goes to the first nun and says," Answer honestly, have you ever been in contact with a human penis?"

The 1st nun says," Once I accidently opened the
door when a guy was changing and saw his penis."

The priest says," That's fine, go and wash your
eyes in the holy water. Next!"

The 2nd nun says," Once I accidently touched a
guy's penis."

The priest says," Okay, just...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does it mean when a man makes eye contact with a woman while she speaks?

Her tits aren't nice

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the G...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.

&#x200B;

On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - wh...

Liars tend not make eye contact,

which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don’t have eyes.

I don't like trying to contact our unborn child.

But my wife gets a kick out of it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

What do black guy's have that is twice the size of white men's, and expands upon contact with a woman?

A criminal record.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

First Contact

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

First "Contact"

In the years that followed first contact between humanity and an alien race, individuals from both species took steps to integrate their two cultures. At one of several social conventions held to further this goal, a human couple and an alien couple meet and discuss their common traits. They eventua...

How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail?

They exchange cell numbers.

WARNING! To whom ever took my glasses!!!

I will find you, I have contacts!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.

So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I ...

In light of the Pope allowing aliens into the catholic church...aliens make contact with humanity

upon hearing the news, the Pope arranges to meet with the leader of the aliens.

Once the two are seated and have enjoyed a short bit of pleasant conversation, the Pope asks the alien leader, "tell me, have you heard of Jesus?"

The alien leader looks at the pope before smiling in realiz...

Three blondes are trying to enter a police academy.

In order to do so, they have to pass an entrance exam.

The examiner takes the first blonde into a secure room and shows her a picture for ten seconds, and then asks: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”

“Easy,” the first blonde responds. “He only has one eye!”
...

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.

&#x200B;

In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I rea...

How do truckers contact each other in Wisconsin?

They use a Milwaukee-Talkie

A man with only one ear interviews candidates for a job

He is kinda' sensitive about his missing ear, so he asks to the first candidate "do you notice anything different about me?"


The guy hesitates and says "yes, sir, you have only one ear". He is dismissed on point.


The man asks the same question to the second candidate, which rep...

A man has been riding through the desert for months without any female contact...

...he is trying to ignore the urges but they are getting worse with time. After a while he has a sudden idea, jumps off the camel, walks to the back, lifts the tail and lets out a happy shriek because the camel is female!
However the target is quite high up. So the man starts collecting sand unti...

Was having a problem with one of my contact lenses.

Fortunately, my wife had the solution.

You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

I have used contact lenses my whole life...

I can apply them with my eyes closed.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to anothe...

Three Idiot Detectives

Three idiots were training to become detectives. Their superior decided to test them by having them catch an escaped criminal.

He showed the first idiot a picture of the criminal and asked, “How would you catch this man?”

“That’s easy,” said the first idiot. “He’s only got one eye, so...

Are you tired of people bothering you? Do you just want to be left alone? L

Carry a clip board around and try to make eye contact with people.

How do you contact dead window cleaners?

Use a squeegee board.

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

What do you call an Asian wearing contacts?

Customization. GET IT?? CUSTOM EYES ASIAN!!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Abdulla tried to contact the soul of his cousin, Naved, who had exploded himself as a suicide bomber

Abdulla tried to contact the soul of his cousin, Naved, who had exploded himself as a suicide bomber.

Abdulla wanted to know whether the 'Jihad' legend is true. Especially about the 72 virgins they get.

So he asked ' how is the social life bro?'

Naved said ' amazing bro. I can...

After long consideration, my wife and I have decided we do not want to have children.

If anybody here does want children, just leave your contact info and we'll drop them off tomorrow

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some women enjoy eye contact during oral sex on a gentleman

Others say it stings.

Why is it so hard to contact comedians?

Because their marketing is a joke.

A hundred year-old man and his 98 year-old woman contact a lawyer to arrange a divorce...

...and lawyer asks them "how long have you been married?"

"80 years" the man replies.

"Why do you want a divorce after all this time?" the lawyer asks.

"We hate each other. I hate everything about her. I hate how she talks, how she walks, how she sleeps, how she chews her food...

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

Here are three ways to tell if someone isn't attentive:

1)They don't make eye contact
2)They interrupt
3)They don't learn from mistakes
4)They miss important details

Why don't any American football players wear glasses?

Because it is a contact sport!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Birhtday Present

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy 10 stories up needs a saw

He's working on a construction crane, and he yells down to a worker below. He gets no reply. They do make eye contact, however. So he tries sign language. He points to himself, points to his knee, and then makes a sawing motion. "I kneed saw" The guy below gets the idea, rips his belt off, throws hi...

Why did the smartphone need glasses

It lost all it's contacts

I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming...

A local Scientist recieves an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

A man and a woman are out to dinner at a fancy restaurant

Right around when the appetizers they hear a loud sound like galloping hooves on the marble floor.

They both turn to see a half-man half-horse jogging around the restaurant

Eventually it stops running and stands at attention.

They stare

A loud trumpet sounds and the Head ...

3 blondes walk into a police station...

...looking for a job as a detective. They meet with the police chief who says "I'm going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."

He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says "He's only got one eye". The police chief respo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to a brothel for the first time.

He is a bit shy, talks to the Madame in charge and quietly ask if he can spend some time with a girl with big tits and a tight pussy. The Madame assures him this is indeed possible and invites him to take a seat in the bar area and have a drink first, while the girl gets ready. The guy sits down and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with no ears is conducting 3 interviews.

He needs to find very observant candidates, but is very
sensitive about his ears.

He asks the 1st candidate, "We need very observant people. What is something you observe about me?"

He replies, "Well, you have no fuckin ears..." The interviewer gets angry and throws him out.
...

4 engineers repairing a car

*there are 4 engineers in a car but it doesn't start*

Mechanical engineer: the spark plug must be broken

Chemical engineer: there must be impurities in the gas

Electrical engineer: the contact must be broken

Computer engineer: what if we exit and enter the car ano...

Why can't someone who wears glasses get a job?

They don't have any contacts!

A fly flew into my boyfriend's eye...

Told him they'd stop bugging him if he made less eye contact.

A man goes to the doctor for blood tests [long]

After extended testing and an agonizing wait, he finally gets a call from the doctor to immediately come into the office and to have as little contact with others as possible.
On arrival he is greeted by a nurse in full bio suit and whisked into a barren room.
The doctor comes in, also in fu...