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Contact Jokes

A woman entered the pharmacy, approached the pharmacist, made direct eye contact, and began to speak.

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's...

My employer asked me who to contact in case of an emergency...

I said "an ambulance". This place is run by idiots. I'm sure I'll be in charge soon.

The contact lens is mans greatest invention

At least in my eyes

How do they contact the dead in Scandinavia?

With a Norwegia-board





I'll see myself out.

Why did the toilet have to contact HR?

Because it was forced to relive multiple employees of their duties

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Accidents can happen. I once accidentally sent a dick pic to every person in my contact list.

The stamps costed me a fortune.

How do detained criminals contact their families?

They face time

The first woman on the Moon contacted Houston.

"Houston, we have a problem."

*"What is it?"*

"Never mind."

*"What's the problem?"*

"It's nothing."

*"Please tell us."*

"I'm fine."

In my contacts, I should rename my crush to potassium

Because she is always responding with "K"

I deleted all the German contacts out of my phone...

now its Hans free

If you are ever looking for some advice, you should contact a surgeon specialising in circumcision.

They have plenty of tips.

How does Super Mario contact his brother?

With a Luigi board.

I was attempting to get in contact with a contortionist for an interview earlier today.

Fortunately, she was very flexible.

Want to contact the spirit of a dead Italian?

Use a Luigi board.

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First Contact

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

Th...

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Why do doctors recommend avoiding sexual contact with the ears

Hearing Aids

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A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

Did you know that ants can't contact COVID-19?

Because they have anty bodies.

Kirk and Spock are on a first contact mission.

The planet's natives serenade them with drumbeats upon hollowed-out tree trunks.

"Mister Spock, it sounds like the notes follow an exponential progression."

"Logical, Captain, when one uses log rhythms."

Local MILFs in your area want to contact you

Your mother called you

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Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:
“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”
“Yeah,” says the guy… “Your nose is really huge, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the interviewer, bu...

Before telephones, how did Bears contact each other?

Teddygrams.

Psychic medium: So you would like to contact your late wife?

Me: Yes

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: Oh my god, it’s her!!

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Why did Adolf Hitler wear contacts?

Because he could Nazi.

No Contact?

Places seems to be advertising “No contact delivery”, and “No contact click n collect” a lot these days. Was there ever a contact option?..

“Thanks for the pizza, ready for the cuddle?”.

Chuck Norris came into contact with the Coronavirus

The virus is now in quarantine for at least 14 days.

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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

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Two aliens land on Earth in the middle of nowhere near a gas station and one of them gets out to make first contact.

He goes to the gas pump and says "Hello, we're from outer space, and we'd like to establish relations, how can I find your leader?"

Obviously, the pump doesn't respond so the alien is rather annoyed by such rudeness but he tries again.

"Yeah so we're just trying to get in touch with yo...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

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I find it difficult too make eye contact with women because I'm very shy

I also can't stop staring at their tits

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Eye contact

The only time I made eye contact with my girlfriend during sex was when she unexpectedly entered the bedroom.

My daughter refused to wear her contacts

I told her, "No daughter of mine is going out looking like that!"

To whoever stole my contact lens

I will always have my eye on you

My wife tried to order contact-less delivery.

But I guess that's not how having a baby works.

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An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

A man’s wife doesn’t come home one night.

The next morning, the wife tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house. The husband then contacted all of his wife’s friends asking about it: none of them said that she was staying the night.

A few nights later, the husband doesn’t come home one night. Just like his wife, the...

An airliner is in the middle of its flight when pilot is contacted by air control

"Delta 627, you need to reduce your altitude 5.000 feet." "What for?" is the pilot skeptical. "Noise avoidance." responds the controller. "Noise? What noise? We are at 35.000 feet, what noise could there be?" responds our pilot, now curious. So the air controller humours him: "Have you ever heard ho...

I ordered contact lenses last week and only received an empty box

Apparently it was a contactless delivery

Why the Martians haven't contacted us?

They missed the opportunity

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

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My girlfriend was mad because she found out that her contact name was “Bitch” on my phone.

Good thing she didn’t notice that it was “Bitch #3”.

Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19

Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19. She called the number and her own phone rang.

Husband is now in isolation.

My girlfriend asked me where her contact lenses were.

I said they were right in front of her eyes

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First "Contact"

In the years that followed first contact between humanity and an alien race, individuals from both species took steps to integrate their two cultures. At one of several social conventions held to further this goal, a human couple and an alien couple meet and discuss their common traits. They eventua...

My nose is like all the boys I make eye contact with-

It started running and won’t stop.

Electrician goes into coma after coming in contact with power lines.

“He should be fine,” say the doctors. “He’s just taking a power nap.”

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A man finally decides to give contact lenses a try...

An Ontario man finally decides to get rid of his glasses and give contact lenses a try. He gets them in the mail, tries them on and is astounded at the results. To celebrate, he decides to take a long drive into Quebec to admire the changing leaves.

He crosses the border and gets very excited...

Eye doctor: Have you been sleeping with your contacts?

She: No no, not all of them!

How do prisoners contact each other?

Cell Phones!

I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently.

I used a Squeegee board.

At the meeting location, why did the spymaster keep looking up, rather than scanning the crowd for his contact?

He was told the informant would be “in de skies”.

I tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal

But the line was always busy

The last time I went through a TSA checkpoint at an airport I was wearing my contact lenses.

The TSA guy looked at my driver's license, looked at me, and looked at his my driver's license again. He started to turn to get his supervisor. I said "if you want, I'll put my glasses on, I have them with me." He looked bewildered, but he cleared me through all by himself.

Now I understa...

Liars tend not make eye contact,

which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.

A boys called 911 in order to contact the police

Operator: Hello, can you please state your emergency.

Boy: I need help, two girls are fighting over me.

Operator: So what's the problem here?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

“How did you do it?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

Having worn contacts for the past few years, it’s become really easy to put them in.

So easy that I bet I could do it with my eyes closed.

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Had to contact amazon, my sex toy wasnt delivered by drone.

They said they dont give a flying fuck.

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Well, I accidentally sent a nude photo of me to everyone in my contacts list

It cost me a small fortune in stamps.

A psychic goes into an opticians to get his contact lenses replaced.

Upon learning his customers profession, the optician asks what next year has in hold for him.

The psychic replies "Alas, I cannot tell you"

The optician, who has had a terrible year up to this point, begs him for just a basic reading, even offering free contact lenses for a year.
...

Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard

You just gotta eyeball it

Last night I slept with my contact lenses on.

My dreams have never been clearer.

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A soldier was seriously ill with malaria he contacted while serving at Guadacanal.

Because of his serious illness, he was evacuated to a hospital located in Austrialia. When he woke up, and found himself in a bright room, with an angelic faced nurse looking down at him.

Seeing this, he thinks he's in heaven, and through his cracked lips, he stammered "ddddddid you bring me...

Pokemon go should contact Hillary Clinton.

I hear she has some servers

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Since getting Coronavirus symptoms, the doctor advised my wife to avoid sexual contact with me.

As if she needed the reminder.

I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.

Now I'm Hanns free.

I got a new phone, and lost all my contacts.

Thank god.

How do truckers contact each other in Wisconsin?

They use a Milwaukee-Talkie

Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that...

Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home.

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail?

They exchange cell numbers.

I don't like trying to contact our unborn child.

But my wife gets a kick out of it.

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A professional singer was contacted by a priest who asked if she would sing at the funeral of a homeless man with no family, who had recently passed away.

Moved with compassion, the singer agreed. The priest informed her that, since he had no relatives or money, the man would be buried in a paupers grave in the countryside, and informed the singer she would have to drive herself. On the day of the funeral, the singer set out in her car following the d...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money. She wants to write an e-mail to her mother so that her mother can send her some. She goes to an internet café and goes up to the guy at the desk.

She says: "I'm sorry, but I'm broke and I really need to contact my mother. Is there any way I coul...

When I got eye contacts it really improved my social life

Now I can recognize people's faces

Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

The whole family are having breakfast together when…

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.


His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer,"...

An alien was sent to earth to make contact with the human race...

He crash lands in the woods of Siberia. Wandering around, he spots two men sitting by a tree, drinking.He thinks what's the best way to make contact. After a while, he approaches them:

"I am Salurn".

"Pour him some vodka, Ivan. It's quite cold. Let him warm up"

He accepts the dr...

Apparently a girl likes you if they make eye contact, face towards, or smiles at you.

I think my mom likes me...

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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

My wife got mad at me just because I accidentally hoovered up her contact lenses.

To be fair, she was wearing them at the time.

I want to pay respects to the Mars Rover that NASA lost contact with.

It's a missed Opportunity.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

I have used contact lenses my whole life...

I can apply them with my eyes closed.

Why is it so hard to contact comedians?

Because their marketing is a joke.

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Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Daniel...

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When carriages were first invented they had the donkey constantly backing up so they could maintain eye contact with the driver and remain calm.

Soon afterwards however they realized that the idea was completely ass backwards.

Since Luigi died in the Smash direct, what do we have to use to contact him?

A Louija board

These days, iron and steel are traded on the international commodity market, and if you need some, you just need to contact a trader.

Formerly, if you wanted iron or steel, you would need to go to an ironworks or even a blacksmith's and negotiate directly with the men who made it.

Whoever smelted, dealt it.

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My friend and his girlfriend loved sexting, so I bought him a gift so they could always stay in contact.

In hindsight her funeral probably wasn’t the best time to give him the Ouija Board.

Was having a problem with one of my contact lenses.

Fortunately, my wife had the solution.

As a true American Patriot I always put phone numbers I want to ignore under the contact "Freedom"

Because I always let Freedom Ring.

A bankers mother died recently and he contacted his socially isolated brother to see if he could help in any way.

Leave me a loan, the brother said.

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What does it mean when a man makes eye contact with a woman while she speaks?

Her tits aren't nice

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Some women enjoy eye contact during oral sex on a gentleman

Others say it stings.

How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to say it.

I messed up today by sending a picture of my junk to everyone in my contact list.

Cost me a fortune in stamps too.

A man contacts a company through Facebook to schedule a job interview for working with Photoshop.

When he arrived for the interview, he was immediately hired.

In light of the Pope allowing aliens into the catholic church...aliens make contact with humanity

upon hearing the news, the Pope arranges to meet with the leader of the aliens.

Once the two are seated and have enjoyed a short bit of pleasant conversation, the Pope asks the alien leader, "tell me, have you heard of Jesus?"

The alien leader looks at the pope before smiling in realiz...

I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm...

I think I might be artistic.

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

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Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

3 blondes walk into a police station...

And we're looking for jobs as detectives.

They meet with the police chief who says, "I'm going to show you a side mugshot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."

He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says, "He's only got one eye". The police chief...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

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A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says "Talking Dog: $10:

He walks up to the gate, and there's a beautiful labrador retriever in the front yard.

"Hello, how are you?" says the dog.

"Oh my goodness. You really can talk!"

"Yep, sure can," says the dog.

"So what's your story?" he asks.

"Well, I discovered I could talk when ...

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