And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

John came fifth and won a blender

A dentist receives an award.

It’s the only plaque allowed in his house.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new law is passed in the wild west, which states: “For every Indian scalp one shall receive $10 as a reward.” Two cowboys agree to go bounty hunting the next day.

They set out early in the morning but spend the whole day without any luck. Finally, tired and exhausted, the two cowboys wander upon a lone Indian, obviously lost from his tribe.

Out of desperation they catch him, cut off his scalp, throw it in a bag and leave the body lying there.

Th...

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

How long do those mail in DNA tests take to receive back?

My son was born with a different skincolor than myself and wife. Just wondering what Recessive traits we're passed down to him. I mailed it off over 6 months ago and still no response....

A man receives a call from a hospital...

"Come quickly, you're now a dad of a boy who can fly!"
The man rushes to the hospital and is greeted by a doctor holding a baby...
"I received a call about a flying boy, where can I see him?"

The doctor smiles and says: "This is the boy, check it yourself!"
Within seconds, the do...

Whats the feeling you get when you receive a bad gift?

Simple present tense.

A student receives a bad grade on his exam

And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.

He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"

The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".

The student...

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A client receives his bill from his lawyer in the mail.

He’s livid at the amount and calls the lawyer to berate him for charging such ridiculous fees. The lawyer listens for a moment before stopping the client midsentence.

​

“You know,” the lawyer says, “you’re being a real jerk about this and I’m beginning to regret naming my fi...

A comb is the best present a bald man can receive

He’ll never part with it.

The President of the U.S. receives a call from the Treasury Department.

-Madam President, we are upgrading the vaults where we keep the gold reserve. Three designs are finalists, but you need to select the one we will use.

-What are the options?

-The first one is a made of reinforced concrete surrounding a steel cage with a nickel content of 8%. The second...

Be careful out there, there is a scam going on where you receive a phone call saying that you have won Elvis tribute tickets or money, it then says.

Press one for the money or two for the show.

WH advisors: Mr. President federal employees didn’t receive their last check, they can’t even afford to buy their families bread!

Trump: I have the most tremendous solution, let them eat cake.

What award did Gregor Mendel receive for his work in the field of Genetics?

The Nobel Peas Prize.

Why do jails receive more funding than nursing homes?

The politicians who make the budget don't worry about ending up in nursing homes.

A man receives a phone call

He answers it, only to find out it's his doctor

The doctor says "I have good news and bad news, which one do you want to hear first?"

"Suck it", the man replies, "tell me the bad news first"

"You have only 24 hours to live"

"Goddamit, only 24 hours? What about the good ne...

What does every Tickle Me Elmo doll receive before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles...

Please disregard any messages you receive from Lizzie Borden's parents...

They've been hacked

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Italian man lived alone in the country

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to...

A man goes to the doctor's office and receives a bill of $15,000.

Man: C'mon doc. You could've gave me a discount since were colleagues.

Doctor: Wait, you're a doctor too?

Man: No. I'm a thief just like you.

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...

...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

I hate when a generation refuses to work and still expect to receive government checks

Those baby boomers in Congress sure are entitled snowflakes

I know the shutdown is done, but I think this joke is funny and I made it up myself.

The psychiatrist was excited to receive a wicker attache.

He always wanted a basket case.

The police receive a noise complaint from a nearby tennis equipment factory

They were making a racket.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man receives a call from the hospital letting him know his wife was in an accident.

Upon arriving at the hospital the doctor informs him that his wife is in a coma and they cannot be sure when she will wake up.

Distraught, the husband asks, "Is there nothing we can do?"

The doctor replies, "Well, we have had some success with oral sex bringing people out of comas in t...

What did the Russians receive when they lost the space race?

A constellation prize

Trump receives a message

Last week Trump received a coded message, reportedly from Chinese Hackers.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Trump was stumped and asked Pence what the message could mean. Pence was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top American programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and chips, and receives an apple

"What is this?!" He says

"Take a bite" the bartender replies

He begrudgingly obliges and bites the apple

"Wow!" He exclaims "This takes just like a cold beer!"

The bartender nods and says "Turn it around"

The man does, and when he takes a bite he exclaims "This tas...

PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.

It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

18th Century Arms Dealer Receives Concussion on First Day at Work

A burgeoning blunderbuss broker braved and bore the brunt of a bludgeoning to the brain.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr. Richard Messina, an elementary-school principal, receives a phone call one morning.

The caller says, "Mr. Messina, my son Johnny will not come to school today, because he's sick."

Mr. Messina asks, "Who am I speaking to, please?"

The caller responds, "I am my father."

What does the Dentist of the Year receive?

A little plaque.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Working on an airline, you receive free or reduced-priced flights.

Such was the case when Roger Gay took the opportunity of a free flight from London to Manchester. He boarded the flight some minutes before it was due to leave the terminal. The flight was filling up. Roger's allocated seat was already taken, so he sat in another, vacant seat.

A few minutes l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After sexy time, the man receives a text message. The woman asks "Who's texting?"

He replies "My wife. She says she's at the movies with you."

A professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife...

"My dearest wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hote...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

How do gangsters receive communications?

Gmail

What do you call it when you receive a shipment of iron?

*Fe mail.*

A suicide bomber goes to heaven to receive his 72 virgins...

But all he sees are other men just like himself.

Confused, he asks one of them where his virgins are.
The man replies, "Brother, we are all virgins."

An Army captain receives a message

The message says, that the father of one Private Miller just died. So after morning drill he yells: "Private Miller step forward!"

The private does as ordered and the captain yells: "Miller, your father died. Now get back in line so I can continue the drill!"

A general overhears this a...

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A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him.

"Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."

Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"

God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixt...

So, the wife receives her lover at home and her son arrives early from school and go to the bedroom's wardrobe to watch

So, the wife receives her lover at home and her son arrives early from school and go to the bedroom's wardrobe to watch.


When they were already both naked, the husband arrives early too and the wife puts the lover in the wardrobe too without noticing her son was already in there.

<...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid receives an assignment from his teacher..

.. To write down 3 commonly used phrases, from around his house.

So the kid goes home and tries to ask his dad, who replies 'fuck off, i'm busy working!'.

So the kid writes that down.

Next, he goes to his younger brother, who is watching batman for the 20th time that day and sin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

What does a Greek say when he receives his salary?

Danke schön.

Woman receives a phone call from local hospital...

"Hello Mrs Smith, this is Dr Trimble calling - I have some good news and bad news for you - which would you like first"? "Well the bad news I guess replies Mrs Smith". "Very well", replies Dr Trimble, "your husband has been in a horrible car accident, he has broken both his legs and arms, his pelvis...

What do you receive when you win a grammar contest?

An Apostrophey!

What did the inventor of the knock knock joke receive?

The No Bell prize

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 soldiers receive their payment

The war is over. It all depended on one mission.

After the 3 remaining survivors received their medals the president says: "I can not thank you enough. For your payment, you will choose any length from one body part to another and I will give you one thousand Dollars for every inches I measu...

When I'm a hiring manager and I receive a pile of CVs

I throw half of the pile in the trash. I don't want unlucky people working in my department.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital, where his pregnant wife is.

Doctor: Is this Mr.Smith?

Smith: Yes, what is the problem?

Doctor: Sir, your wife is in labour, get here immediately!

Smith races to the hospital, runs into the waiting room where the doctor is waiting.

Smith: Where is she? How is my baby?!

Doctor: She is okay sir,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men go to heaven and St. Peter receives them

St. Peter doesn't know why they're there, they weren't supposed to die today, so 1 by 1, he takes them into his office and hears their story

Man 1 suspected his wife was cheating on him so one day he comes back from work early, only to find his wife laying on the bed, sweaty and heavy-breathi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Nazi walks into a bar

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a na...

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency

looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise conce...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to f...

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”

&#x200B;

The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”

&#x200B;

Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

&a...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

What did the Ukrainian Scientist receive after discovering the dangers of radiation?

A Chernobel Prize.

A lawyer's dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog...

Caitlyn Jenner receives ESPY Arthur Ashe Award for Courage

Courage? More like a lack of balls

3 guys go to heaven

Three guys go to heaven, and are greeted by Saint Peter. Now, to get to heaven, they had to cross a large bridge. “The quality of the vehicle you will drive across this bridge with will be determined by how many times you cheated on your spouse” says St. Peter. The first guy walks up and St. Peter s...

Kellyanne Conway can't receive PDF's in her email so she uses an alternative:

Fax

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his land

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.


The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!

He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!"

Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my ex...

A man posted an ad "I want a wife", he received more than 5000 answers

They all was from men offering their wives.

What letters did not receive presents from Santa this year?

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y and Z.

They've always been Not T.

A man receives marriage-saving advice from his buddy on how to hide his drinking shenanigans, and here's how he uses it.

John comes home stumbling drunk with vomit on his jacket.

His wife is tired of this behavior, and gives him an ultimatum, "John, you're my husband and I love you. I don't even mind that you drink. But I swear to god if you come home this drunk again, I'm leaving you."

John nods his he...

The Captain of an American Airliner receives a message from a few miles ahead...

The Captain of an American Aircraft Carrier is sailing his ship through a deep fog, so much that he can barely see anything. They are moving slowly, and all crew members are instructed to be on high alert, ready to act at a moment's notice. Suddenly, he receives a call from something just a few mile...

A man is at a hotel with his wife's friend when he receives a message and gets surprised.

The mistress asks: "who was it my love?". He answers scratching his head: "it was my wife, she said she is going to be late because she went to the movies with you".