A man receives a message from a neighbour.

"Sorry sir I am using your wife...day and night... When you are not present at home...In fact, much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies." The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to the hospital

The next day ...

The Wife just rang to tell me "Three girls in the office have just received flowers from their Men, they're absolutely gorgeous"

I said......... "Thats probably why they received flowers!"

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth - and won a toaster.

What's the one compliment women hate to receive?

"Hey, nice moustache!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead.

The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three hol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man placed an advertisement, "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: You can have mine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young ranch hand receives his first paycheck

A whopping $1.50. He immediately runs to the nearest brothel and asks the head maiden what he can do with a buck fifty...
She dubiously eyes him.
“I don’t have anything that cheap.”
“Please!” He begs “it’s my first time!”
Taking pity she says
“Well, there’s a chicken out back...”...

A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas.

She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.

"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves...

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

The local dentist received an award for being the best dentist in town. Know what they gave him?

A little plaque.

I've received my first COVID vaccination this morning!

Although my doctor told me I had to get it in my leg.

I said I didn't mind at the time, but now my Pfizer killing me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently received a letter about my donkey dying, but as I was reading it, a gust of wind caught it and blew it up into the sky.

It became an ass ending sending ascending.

The first high definition photos have been received from the Mars rover, Perseverance.

As I predicted, it has found a McDonalds with a drive-thru lane, and a Walmart Supercenter.

It has also started receiving calls from telemarketers.

Everyone's making a big deal about how the second person to receive the Covid 19 vaccine was named William Shakespeare

But I think it's much ado about nothing.

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

Friends, just a reminder to those who received a book from me at Christmas...

They are due back in the library this Friday.

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

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Received a call from the recruitment consultant. She said to me: "Sir i have two openings for you".

I replied: Yes. I know

There was a long silence and then she said: asshole

I replied: I prefer the other one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The following add in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls

“Single female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have ...

Just received this one from my Dad

I bought your mother a horse, finally. He’s all white, so she calls him mayo. Sometimes mayo neighs.

We'll receive our Christmas presents on the 8th of Jan

Coz Santa needs to quarantine for 14 days.

Hermione doesn't receive her mail from Hograwrts

She grows older

Gets married

Has a son

And one day her son picks up a mail and reads it...

He rushes to Hermione and says

You are a Witch mother

and Hermione replies in shock

EMMA WAT SON???

What did the winner of the muscle loss contest receive as a prize?

Atrophy

OCD patients don't receive transplants in hospital

They get reorganised.

What kind of shoes did the punster receive?

UGHs

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A blonde woman receives an eviction notice after falling behind on rent.

She goes to her landlord's office to talk to him. "Look, I've lost my job and have no money to pay the rent," she says. "But, please don't kick me out. I have nowhere else to go. I'll do anything if you let me stay."

"Anything?" asks the landlord.

"Yes, absolutely anything."

The...

Garbagemen never receive actual training

They just pick things up as they go

A doctor received a call from his colleague.

"We need a fourth to join us for a game of golf," said his friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting his pants on, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," he answered gravely. "In fact, they are three doctors there already."

A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later, he received this letter:

Most Honorable Sir,

You leave house, he come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee

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I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

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To everyone who received photo of my penis!!!

I've been hacked! So there will be no mailings this and next week, sorry

Once a monk told me the best way to receive from life

but i dont remember it clearly, it had something to do with a cake and karma

If Trump succumbs, the first phone call President Pence receives...

...should be from the Mexican government offering to pay for his gravestone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you receive a blow job from Donald Trump?

Anal Sex.

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

A guy returns to his house and receives a phone call

“We have your wife kidnapped! She is worth 100K$!”

The guy then responds:
“So when I’m getting the money?”

If you receive a picture of some meat in a tin from me to your email address...

... don't worry, it's just spam.

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”

Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.

DONE! You are the owner of one ...

You hear about the cop that found a glory hole in a public bathroom?

He received an anonymous tip

Why did the Scarecrow receive a pay raise?

Because he is an upstanding man in his field.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

I received my degree in calligraphy today...

I don’t think it's going to help me get a job, but it looks good on paper!

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

**The doctor says**, "I have some **good news** and some **bad news**."
**The man says**, "OK, give me the **good news** first."
**The doctor says**, "The good news is, you have **24 hours** to live."
**The man replies**, "Oh no! If that's the **good news**, then what's the **bad news...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What award did the cat who sniffed the most butts receive?

Catastrophe.

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

The political parties can't agree on what a second economic stimulus package should look like. Democrats want every American to receive a $1,200.00 check, while Republicans favor giving everybody 10 pounds of Parmesean cheese.

The GOP wants to "Make America Grate Again".

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

Mike Tyson just received a graduate level certification in advanced calculus.

He calls it his Mathsters Degree.

After elections president Putin receives a call

- Mr. President I have two news, a good one and a bad one.
- Start from the good one.
- You got elected president again.
- And the bad one?
- No one voted for you.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discre...

The sand pit

Dylan was playing in the sand pit with Ellie. He comes back from recess and speaks to his teacher.

She asks him "What did you do in recess today?"
"I played in the sandbox with Ellie" he says.

"That's great! If you can write the word "sand" on the board, I'll give you a cookie."<...

Little Johnny's mother receives a note from his teacher

"johhny is a very clever boy, but he spends too much time thinking about girls and it distracts him from matters that are really important"

The mother replies: "please inform me right away if you ever find a solution. His dad is having the same problem"

A man receives a phone call late in the evening...

He picks up the phone and there is a strange voice at the other end. The voice says “I am the Vinder Viper, and I am coming in one year” he writes the call off as a prank.

But in six months, he gets another call. It says the same thing, “I am the Vinder Viper, and I am coming in six months”. ...

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any...

If you receive an email with the subject ‘Knock Knock’...

Don’t open it, it’s just Jehovah’s Witnesses working from home!

The Mars rover has detected the first signs of life on Mars.

It seems that it has received signals from 'Hot MILFs in it's area'

The animals were bored.

Finally the lion had an idea. He tells the other animals how he's seen the humans play a game called American football. He proceeded to tell them how it's played and explained its rules. This got them excited.

They chose their teams and went out to an open field. The lion's team received, and...

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An Asian walks into a currency exchange and get $100 back for his exchange

Next day he goes there again and for the same amount of money he receives $94 this time.

He asks the teller "why $6 less today compared to yesterday"

The teller say "fluctuations"

The Asian man get up angrily and storms out slamming the door, turns around and shouts "fluc you Am...

Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair

His staff was nothing less t...

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

Three women meet at the pearly gates

After dying, three women end up at the pearly gates and are questioned by St. Peter. He asks if they believe they are worthy of entering heaven; to which all answer that they are but they don’t know if someone is waiting for them on the other side.

St. Peter let’s them choose between the unk...

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant...

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford"

The man says to the doctor "Ok, what are they?"

The doctor s...

Not sure how it'll be received now. Something from back when their costumes were different

Q: Who's smarter? Batman or Superman?
A: >!Batman. They both wear their underwear outside of their pants but Batman covers his face.!<

I ordered contact lenses last week and only received an empty box

Apparently it was a contactless delivery

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.

The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.

Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.

"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred si...

I made a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless...

PS: I actually didn't, but it's my favourite bad joke, and it's my cake day, so I can do whatever I want!

Edit #1: If you didn't see my comment somehow, I feel scammed, because at the time of posting this, I yet had like 2 hours of my cake day left. I guess Reddit d...

A blonde is on a 2 seater aeroplane when the pilot suddenly passes out.

Not knowing how to fly the plane she grabs the radio and says: "Mayday, mayday, my pilot just died!"

Ground control received her call for help and replies: "Don't worry maam I'll talk you down, just do as I say.”

First I need you to give me your height and position? Blonde: "I'm 5'2 an...

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Once Abdul's wife had a severe stomach ache..

He tried Google, asked his friends and relatives, but no respite from the pain for his wife. Finally, someone suggested to him a reputed Gastroenterologist, and he called him.

Abdul: "Doctor! Please help my wife. She has a severe stomach ache, and I tried everywhere, and nothing is helping. W...

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a...

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with the wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truely Yours,
Acme Costume Co

The man thinks this is terrilbe because they have just emphasized his wooden leg an...

I am so sorry Bob

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife gave me anal sex for Christmas

It was the shittiest gift I ever received.

Lately, my jokes haven't been received well

This pandemic thing is hitting the shipping business hard

Ordered a European cabinet from Wayfair and received a girl instead

Not what I expected when the description said Swedish maid

What do you call two nuns and a hooker playing football?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country ...

He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it...

Graybeard engineer

The Graybeard engineer retired and a few weeks later the Big Machine broke down, which was essential to the company’s revenue.  The Manager couldn’t get the machine to work again so the company called in Graybeard as an independent consultant.

Graybeard agrees. He walks into the factory, take...

There once was a wide receiver who didn't run

That's why he was wide

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Porn is porn

So, I overheard this conversation in a hotel lobby:

A guest arrives in a hotel quite late, goes to the desk and ask for a room which he gets. The guest receives the keys, and goes off to his room. Just before taking the stairs he turns around and asks the clerk: "Oh just one question. Is the ...

Future generations increasingly find it harder to receive sympathy as they get sick

My grandchild was sick the other day and I asked him if it was the flu.

“No, it’s the new COVID-69.”

All I could say was, “nice.”

An enormously popular and beloved Pope, after a long reign, dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.

He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

The pope, having always loved the bible, decides that he wants to read all of the original records of God's communications with humanity before they were re...

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What does Snoop Dogg call it when he receives oral sex?

A blow jizzle.

An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.

The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lor...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

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A school teacher, a police officer, and a hedge fund founder are trapped on a deserted island.

After scavenging for days with little success, they come across a magical lamp. The officer decides to give it a quick rub and out pops a genie.

"Hello, I am here to grant each of you an imperishable supply of food and water as you await your rescue. Be warned, it can only be consumed only ...

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A man walks into a coffee shop

And orders a shot of espresso with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. When he receives his order, he's dismayed to find only a shot of espresso.

"Hey!" he asks the barista, "why didn't you add the ice cream?"

"Sorry sir" he says, "affagato."

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

Mr Trump was invited to visit a poor African country.

A soccer match was arranged between two local teams in honour of Trump's visit. During the match, the Prime Minister of the country explained about the poverty his country was facing. Trump listened intently and said

"Mr PM, I've seen enough and I fully understand the extent of the poverty yo...

A man is having issues with his wifi

As any self-loathing individual would do he calls up his service provider who tell him that they’ll have someone look at the router at 10am the next day.

“Odd, this seems like good customer service” he thought to himself. The next morning he wakes up, grabs a cup of coffee and waits, 10am lea...

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A guy comes in to his doctor's offices having symptoms of tennis elbow. The doctor tells him to go home & pee in a cup & return it for analysis.

The patient thinks this is ridiculous so decides he'd mess with the doctor by taking a pee sample a from his wife. Gets some out of the unflushed toilet after his teenage daughter pee'd. Added some changed oil from his car. Even going so far as to put his sperm in it. The guy returns it for analysis...

What kind of combat training do the recruits in the Israeli army receive?

Jew-Jitsu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Captain in Afghanistan receives a letter from his wife.

The letter contains a photo.

A nude photo of his wife, spreading her legs open. Captioned - honey, when you come back, I'll be waiting for you like this.
The captain immediately becomes happy and excited that his wife loves him so much and is thinking about him. He sleeps satisfied that ni...

TIL the government has a minimum height requirement for workers to receive Coronavirus relief payments. I was so angry...

but I'm over it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

A student receives a bad grade on his exam

And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.

He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"

The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".

The student...

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A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constructio...

A young couple in poverty give birth to identical twins.

After much consideration they decide that the best thing for the baby boys would be to give them up for adoption so that they can have a better shot in life. One boy goes to a Spanish family who name him Juan, the second goes to an Indian family who name him Amal.

18 years pass when the birth...

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar

They all begin discussing their own churches and synagogue. As the night goes on, they drink more and more, and the discussion starts to turn competitive. Each starts to boast about how eloquent they are, and how great they are at converting non believers. Eventually, the bartender gets sick of it. ...

For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my granny dies, now this?

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....


NAME - Greg Bulmash


DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be a...

Don't know if this is a scam or not...

... But I've just received a phone call saying I've won £250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It said press one for the money, or two for the show.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...

He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He than looks to see...

if the lion is still chasing them and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.

“Who was that?” asks his wife.
“Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife once said, “Sex is better during vacation”.

That was not a nice postcard to receive.

I once had a 2nd shift job, 3pm-11pm.

They even had a shift differential!

After my first couple weeks I received a case of hotdogs along with my paycheck. I thought nothing of it, but then it happened again next payday, and honestly the paycheck felt a little short.

I approached my boss and asked him what the deal was....

Three men died and went to heaven

Three men died and went to heaven. Where it has been decreed that each person gets a vehicle according to their deeds.
The first man arrives and god asks "How long were you married for?"
"20 Years" said the first man
"And how many times did you cheat on your wife?" God asked
"Uhh... 5 ti...

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.

I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm.

A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm. She came across a church settled near the top of a mountain far away from civilization, and decided to ask for them to lend hospitality to her. A nun greeted her at the entrance when she approached the church, and lead her inside. There, she was g...

A 75 year old person goes to the doctor.

Doctor: We've received your reports. And I have a very bad news for you. You have Cancer and Alzheimer!

Patient: Oh! Well... At least, I don't have Cancer!

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