The 116+ Best Fit Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real*...

What’s purple and doesn’t fit anymore?

A dead epileptic

Cardi B has a sister that's a fitness instructor.

Her name is Cardi O

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her fitness trainer.

Me: "Okay, this isn't working out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What gets long when you jerk it,fits between boobs,slides in a hole and loves to be pulled?

A seat belt you pervert

"We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given."

I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"

My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and...

In a fit of rage, a friend of mine ran over a pedestrian with his electric car.

He will be charged with battery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me."

I said, "It's a fucking scarf."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Given the words 'wife', 'odds', 'egg', and 'blowjob' which one doesn't fit the category?

Ans: (First, change the above term "wife" to "traffic" so that the good people are happy.) Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat the traffic, but you can't beat a blowjob.

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

How do you fit five elephants in a fiat 500?

Easy! Two in the front and three in the back!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,

"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Many Animals Can You Fit In a Pair of Pantyhose?

An Ass, a Pussy, two calves, ten piggies and god knows how many hares! I heard this joke from my aunt in the 70's. Wondered if it was well known.

Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.

A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacua...

Luke Skywalker took a hissy fit in a restaurant. Try as he might, using Chopsticks was seemingly far beyond his fledgling Jedi skills. Embarrassing himself and causing a bit of a scene, Ben Kenobi leans over and offers some wisdom:

"Use the forks, Luke!"

My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

Wife: "Look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits."

Husband: "For God’s sake woman, it’s a scarf!"

Shouldnt all yogurt be light and fit?

Since they are an active culture?

My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in the back seat of my car so...

I had to pop the trunk.

What kind of tree fits in your hands

A palm tree

My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

She's 70 now and I have no goddamn idea about where she is.

When the doctor told me that he had fitted me with a thermostat instead of a pacemaker, I was livid

It made my blood boil.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anal sex keeps my wife really fit.

Every time I mention it she runs a mile.

A sick Australian ornithologist was 60 feet up a tree, engrossed in two Jackdaws performing a convoluted mating dance in defiance of all known observations of the species, when he had a sudden coughing fit.

They say he died of corvid complications.

What’s black, white and red and can’t fit through a revolving door?

A nun with a javelin through her head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife came to me all happy, saying, “Look darling, you got me this 40 years ago on our honeymoon, and it still fits!"...

I love her so I let it pass. It was a scarf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Astronomy Fact: You can fit 63 Earths inside Uranus

64 if you relax.

How do know when a punchline doesn’t fit the set-up in a joke?

A frog in a blender.

Just made the most audio copies to ever fit on one vinyl disc.

It was a record record record!

If someone is a vegan and does CrossFit...

Which do they have to tell you first?

I have a shirt with 120 tiny pockets that fit exactly one mint each....

It's my Tic Tactical vest.

When the Hulk goes into an uncontrollable fit of rage he's "incredible"

When I do it I'm an "alcoholic"

How do you fit an Elephant in a refrigerator ?

Open the door, shove in the Elephant, close the door.

*How do you fit a Giraffe in a refrigerator?*

Open the door, take out the Elephant, shove in the Giraffe, close the door.

*A plane has 20 bricks on the right hand side and 21 bricks on the left side. How do you balanc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my employees today complained that the sundae lids won’t fit.

I told her “Well duh, that’s because it’s Monday!”

They are so done with my bullshit today. Lol.

"God Save the Queen" seems an ill-fitting anthem following the coronation of King Charles III

The obvious choice for the replacement is the "Charles in Charge" theme song.

What makes a bathroom fit for a Prince?

A raspberry bidet.

A vegan bitcoin investor who does CrossFit and didn't vote in the 2016 election walks into a bar.

Now everyone's wondering what he's gonna bring up first.

I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt...

So, I made a move on her.

How many dwarves can fit in a box?

I'm not sure you should ask Snow White

Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once met a man with 5 penises. I said "That must be rough"...and "how does your underwear fit?"

He said "Like a glove!"

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people are like a fit ass.

They look good from the outside, but really vile and shitty on the inside.

If you meet a vegan who’s into CrossFit…

What won’t they shut up about first?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a lap dog is a dog small enough to fit on your lap...

I'd hate to see what animal qualifies as a "pussy cat".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a fitness blog and a porn site?

One's all about proteins, whilst the other is more about amateur teens

When I moved to Florida, I couldn't fit in

Finishing 3rd Grade really affected my social life there.

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app.

It just sent an ambulance to my house.

How do you fit 1,000,000 elephants in a Safeway?

You take the S from Safe and the F from Way

How many clowns can you fit in a Honda?

One more.

Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model

...they hired me as the "before" picture.

Fitness is important

Being healthy and in good shape is important. My grandmother understood this better than anyone. When she turned 75 she started walking 5 miles a day.
She's 90 now, and we have no idea where the hell she is.

Just spent £100 on a belt that doesn’t fit.

Huge Waist.

My girlfriend is really helping me to keep fit.

Every time she mentions marriage, I run a mile.

Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?

Because they are well organized

My girlfriend, Lorraine, dumped me when she found out I was cheating on her with her fit friend, Claire Lee

Good news, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

How many women of god can you fit in a standard size brothel?

Nun!

What weighs 40 tons, fits seven guys and is just getting towed away by 2 rednecks in a tractor?

Your Mum.

What summer sport is most popular with fit albinos?

Bleach volleyball.

I just can't fit an upside boat on my head, and I just don't know why...

...it was clearly capsized

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

How to stay lean and fit

I once asked a 60 year guy what his secret was for staying lean and fit was?

He said, "find a fun lady, who's active, likes to do stuff outside ... and is a terrible cook."

The fitness trainer asked me "What kind of squats are you accustomed to doing?

I said, "Diddly !!"

How do you fit a body in a trunk?

Take the first two out.

Did you know; you can fit 35 bananas in a kangaroos pouch

Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore...

I thought my drier was shrinking my clothes because they don't fit any more.

Turns out, it was my refrigerator all along.

Apple fitness products don't work.

I tried the iHop and it only made me gain weight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Given the terms: drum, meat, egg, blowjob which one doesn't fit?

Blowjob. You can beat a drum, beat an egg, beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob.

An almost blind guy walked into Lover's Lane to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $500 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit.

But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.
So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

I was hanging out with my Scizophrenic friend and all of a sudden he bursted into fits of laughter

I asked what was so funny and he said "you wouldn't get it, it's an inside joke"

A guy driving a Kia.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says s...

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

How many Mexicans can you fit in the trunk of a BMW?

I need the answer asap. I am about to cross the border.

What is the procedure best fitting for metal heads in The Navy?

The Dokken Procedure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A middle-aged guy decides it’s time to get fit so he heads down to his local gym.

When he gets there he sees a poster promising “6 month super motivational packages, available in Silver, Gold and Platinum”.

Intrigued the guy asks for more information.
The guy from the gym says “OK” and calls for someone to come out from the back office. A beautiful fit woman comes out a...

How many superheroes can you fit in one car?

Five

Two in the front

Two in the back

And Peter Parker in the ash tray

Q: What do you call the advice given by an idiot not fit to live in polite society?

A: A Q-tip

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As long as it fits

So, one day, these elderly ladies are sneaking a cigarette behind the old folks home. It starts to rain so most of the women throw their cigarettes out. But one of them pulls out a condom, bites the end off, and rolls it down the cigarette and continues to smoke. All of the other ladies look on in a...

What’s it called when a 3 year old antivaxx kid starts having a fit?

A midlife crisis

How many birds can you fit under a Scotsmans kilt?

Depends how big the perch is.

What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body?

You wake up.

My granma got my granpa a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle".

When I looked confused, he explained, "no ballroom"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman finds out her husband has been cheating on her. In a fit of rage she chops his penis off..

She jumps in the car and starts speeding down the highway and throws his penis out the window.

Little did she know, two nuns were driving in their car on the opposite side of the road.

The penis hits their windshield and flies off.

Nun 1: Oh my goodness!! What kind of bug was ...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

I saw on this girl's dating profile that she's a "health and fitness junkie." So that's cool...

We've got one of those three things in common.

Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.

Unfortunately, they didn't catch on at that time since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.

My fitness has been great these past years despite the COVID lockdowns.

I even maxed out the weight on the assisted pull-up machine.

What do you call the ppl who only monkey around when you go to the fitness center to workout?

Gym pansies

Why could the petit clairvoyant never find a dress that fits?

Everyone thought she was a medium

What do you call an elephant small enough to fit in your ear?

It's earelephant.

I remember the time my cousin completely lost it and threw a giant fit at her 12th birthday party. After she changed her outfit she was fine...

It was a post dramatic dress

what does a devil do to stay fit?

>!exorcise!<

How many debutantes can you fit in the grand ballroom of the Waldorf Astoria?

About a cotillion of 'em

Do you know which app is best fit to be used in the delivery room?

Discord!

I once dated a girl who was a fitness freak

It didn't last long, our relationship didn't work out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So fucking proud of myself! Yesterday I wore something from 20 years ago, and it fit!

What a great scarf!

Why are motion capture actors no longer allowed to pick the tightest fitting mocap-suit?

Because it constantly turned on the cameras.

Why couldn't the psychic fit in the small shirt?

Because he was a medium

It was mine and my wife's 25th wedding anniversary the other day and she said to me "Did you know i wore this on our first date and it still fits me"...

I said "Its a scarf"...

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A great fitting suit

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like thi...

I'm really fit and skinny

Too bad this is the only subreddit I can say this on

For centuries the catholic church censored everything that wouldn‘t fit with their teachings.

You know what I call that?

Chancel culture!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much can you fit in a triple D bra?

Large quantitties

I asked a fitness trainer at my local gym what would be the best machine to use in order to impress girls

Apparently it’s the ATM machine at my local bank.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many cocks can the average man fit in his ass?

I don't know, but I'm not allowed at my uncle's farm anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sign outside the drug rehab facility was very fitting

"Stay off the grass."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very fit, attractive man is jogging along the beach one morning...

...and he comes across a old, handicapped woman in a wheelchair, sobbing.

The man stops, and with concern in his voice, politely asks the woman what’s the matter.

She waves him off, but he insists. He wants to help.

“Well, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a whee...

How does this name fit?

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsen's Laundry.
Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How in the world that name fits in here? So he decides to walk into the shop and s...

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.