Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?

Because they are well organized

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in”

However, the guy on the next table said, “My brother is epileptic and had a fit in the bath, and died."

If the ground could have swallowed me up I'd of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"

He said, "No, he choked on a sock"

What monster fits on the end of your finger?

The bogeyman!

Cardi B's sister is a fitness instructor

Cardi O

What does Speedy Gonzales put down before fitting carpet?

Underlay! Underlay!

Did you know that Cardi B has a twin fitness trainer?

Her name is Cardi O

Adele is going to release a single to fit the mood of 2020...

I hear it’s going to be titled “Rolling in the Deep State”

A fitness freak is out for a run one day. She's having a great run, tunes playing through her ear buds, sun shining.

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ...

What's blue and doesn't fit properly?

A dead epileptic

How many Muslims fit in a Mosque

Allaht

How many Russians can you fit in a lift?

As many as you can Put-In.

How many birds can fit into a cage at once?

Toucan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Playgrounds in the UK have been fitted with advanced paedophile detection systems to help protect children

The company behind the technology has called it NonceSense™

A friend once told me how many cars fit in a Walmart parking lot on average.

I don't remember the exact number but it was a lot.

How can you tell if someone does cross fit?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

"Can you fit any more Milky Way Chocolate Bars into your desk drawer there, Jim?"

"Nope, all outer space."

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what gets longer when pulled, fits between brests, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

My wife's cooking is fit for a King.

"Here King! Here King!"

I'm really fit and skinny

Too bad this is the only subreddit I can say this on

Four years ago to this day I asked out the most beautiful girl that I had a crush on. Fitting, today was the day I decided to propose to her...

...and she still said no both times.

how does a priest get fit?

he exorcises.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a fitness blog and a porn site?

One's all about proteins, whilst the other is more about amateur teens

"Social credit system , censorship of any info that does not fit their narrative , Demonization of people with wrong think " You know who I am talking about.

Reddit

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Mr. Johnson was sitting on a plane, waiting for it to take off, when one last person boarded the plane and sat down next to him. Mr. Johnson realized, much to his surprise and delight, that it was social media fitness star Michelle Lewin.

"This is amazing!" he said. "How lucky is it that I sit right next to one of the hottest women on social media?"

"I'm on my way to a fitness conference," said Michelle. "I'm going to tell my fellow women some of my best-kept secrets on getting and staying fit like me."

"Wow!" said Mr. ...

How do you fit Pikachu on a bus?

Poke him on

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

Today I heard 24-hour Fitness filed for bankruptcy.

I guess they ran out of time.

What is the dog version of "if it fits I sits"?

"If it throws I goes"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 girls are sitting in a bar

They are having a competition of vagina width

One girl says: my pussy is so wide, my husband can fit 2 fists in it
The second girl replies with: wow, that’s impressive, but mine is even wider. My boyfriend can fit 2 fists and both his feet.
The third girl, after hearing all this just sm...

An almost blind guy walked into Lover's Lane to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $500 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit.

But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.
So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

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An extremely wealthy man invited his high school friends to his big estate for a reunion.

Aside from being extremely wealthy, he is also extremely arrogant and prideful. As he welcomed his friends to his house, he gave them a tour of his estate, showing his cars, helicopters, private jets, and even his own yacht, all the while bragging about all his assets and wealth. Finally, at the end...

Have you ever noticed that Jesus on the cross always looks great, with amazing abs?

He was the original cross-fit.

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

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A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicle...

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Two old ladies were smoking a cigarette while waiting for a bus. It started to rain, so one of them took out a condom from her purse..

and cut off the tip, slipped it over cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, 'Hey thats a good idea! What is it that you put over ur cigarette?' The other old lady said, "It's a condom". "A condom? Where do u get those?". The lady replied, "You can purchase them at pharmacy. ...

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father is called into the principle's office because his son is in big trouble.

The father sits down next to his son with the principle across at his desk.

"We caught your son selling pot for 15 dollars a joint out back. He's permanently expelled. You're lucky we didn't call the cops."

The father looks at his son with horror and disgust. He gets up quickly and dra...

What do you call a smelly fitness center

A gym-nauseam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love this joke but it's in Venetian dialect so I'll try to translate it see if you like it

A man goes in this new place that matches you up with the prostitutes that fits you perfectly.

So he goes in, he pays the 100€ and gets in front of 2 doors.

One says "blonde" the other "brunette".

"Oh fam I'm all for that brunette puss ayy".

And he goes into the "brunett...

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Did you know that Uranus can fit 63 earths?

Relax and we could probably squeeze in 64

How does wind get fit?

Air Conditioning

Take what you want

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes an...

How do you fit 1,000,000 elephants in a Safeway?

You take the S from Safe and the F from Way

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

How do you know when your girlfriend is getting too fat?

She fits into your wife's clothes.

On my 18th birthday my friend introduced me to his fit sister.

I was happy to meat her.

2 Blondes walk into a bar...

The first blonde proclaims to the second one, “I can fit 3 fingers in my ass!”

So of course, the second blonde retorts, “I can fit my entire fist!”

A third blonde walks in and sits down at the bar. They ask, “Hey, we’re talking about how much we can fit in our asses. How much can you f...

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What is the easiest way to fit an entire peanut butter sandwich into your mouth?

You jam it.

I can fit the lyrics of the song 'Uptown Funk' into any conversation.

Don't believe me? Just watch!

What's E.T. short for?

So he can fit in his spaceship.

My wife said she wants to donate her old clothes to the Salvation Army, so starving people can buy and wear them.

I told her that anyone who can fit in her clothes certainly isn't starving.

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Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.



The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."



The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older ...

A man meets a beggar

One day a man is coming back from work and he sees a beggar.
The beggar appears to have only one arm.
The man gives him a £10 note.
The beggar thanks him.

The next day he sees the beggar again.
The beggar looks at him and smiles.
The man gives him £5.
The beggar thanks him.<...

[OC] A man wakes up one morning not feeling well.

He decides to go and see the doctor because he has some symptoms he’s heard are related to the virus all over the news. On the way to his appointment, his car breaks down and he has to walk the rest of the way. He’s exhausted by the time he finally arrives at the Doctor’s office, 15 minutes late....

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A fat man goes to a unique Health Centre that advertises weight loss and sex.

Intrigued by the ad, he goes in and asks the receptionist what this is all about.
She replies 'Well sir, it's exactly as we said, we have several formula and you can lose weight and have sex'
'Oh my' he says 'Let me try the first option then'
'Fair enough, that will be the door on your l...

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An attractive young woman is showering when she hears a knock at the door.

She runs to the bathroom window and shouts, “Who's there?” “It's the blind man.” comes the reply. Obviously she now doesn't need to get dressed as it's just a blind man at the door, so she runs down and opens the door, stark naked. He says: “Nice tits. I'm here to fit your blinds.”

An old Russian joke

An American spy infiltrates Soviet Russia. To fit in he becomes a regular at the local bar. He calls himself Sasha and he makes new friends.

One day his friend tells him, "Sasha, you are not one of us, you are an American spy."

"How could you say that Ivan? What would make you believe ...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines hims...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

Am elderly gentleman with hearing problems goes to the doctor and gets fitted with hearing aids.

After a month he goes back for a checkup and the doctor asks him how things are going now that he can hear everything and if his friends and family have said anything.

The gentleman replied, "I haven't told anyone yet I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will f...

Two engineering nerds were walking across their college campus.

One of them had a bike:

Nerd 1: Where did you get that bike, man; it looks pretty well made.

Nerd 2: Yesterday I saw a beautiful woman riding this bike in the park, and I winked at her. She came over, threw the bike down, took off her clothes, and said to me 'take what you want'.
...

I spent $80 on a belt that didn't fit...

My wife said it was a huge waist.

Little Johnny and little Susie were in Sunday school.

Johnny, thinking he was being funny, kept poking Susie in the back with a pencil.

Up front, the teacher was asking some questions, "What did lucifer say after falling from heaven?" She asked. Just then Johnny jabbed Susie with the pencil.

"Cut it out." She hissed over her shoulder....

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Rubber and Stick

A man lived with his wife, his old father and his 5 children. One day they decided to go to an amusement park but the car could only fit 6 people. So his wife drove the kids and he and his father was left to walk towards their destination.

The father’s walking cane was rubbing against the con...

Two elderly widows, Dolores and Mary, met at a restaurant after a heavy rain.

Both were smokers, but they arrived drenched from head to toe. Dolores noticed that Mary’s cigarette was still dry because it had a covering. Dolores said "Mary, what's that on your cigarette?" Mary responded "It's a condom. I buy them at the drugstore to keep my cigarettes dry on rainy days." D...

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The wooden eye and the hunch back

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....
The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his fri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

I'm starting a new get-fit routine

I'll get this pizza to fit in my mouth, I'll get this taco to fit in my mouth, I'll get this burger to fit in my mouth...

Day three of quarantine. I can feel my fitness level depleting and my body fat increasing.

I have not been to the gym for three years.

It is fitting that Coronavirus started in communist China

because everyone is going to get it.

My grandfather turned 65 and started running a mile a day to stay fit.

He’s 70 now and we still have no idea where he is.

I've been watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel...

...but for the life of me, I can't figure out how it fits into the MCU.

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How much can you fit in a triple D bra?

Large quantitties

Three girls talking in a bar

Three grils are talking in a bar, bragging about how loose they are.

One says she can fit a sausage.

One says she can fit a cucumber.

And the last one just slides down the bar stool.

Why are cowboy hats curled up on the side?

So they can fit three in the pickup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde is putting together a puzzle.

She calls her boyfriend at work and tells him that she needs him to come home to help her.

He keeps telling her that he can’t leave work right now, but she’s very insistent.

“Well, what’s the picture on the box?” He asks.

“It’s a tiger.” She says.

“Then just try to make a...

What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?

A drama dairy.




\[My brother answered "A male one", which might be funnier.\]

My jean jacket doesn't fit right

I can only fit my arms in the leg holes but I don't have torso or back coverage

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it still actually fit!

So Proud of myself.
It was a scraf, but still. Let’s be positive here.

Imagine if people started calling DPs as PPs (short for profile picture)

"OMG your PP is so cute!!"

"Your PP sucks, change it asap"

"Drag and Resize your PP to fit the frame"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three ladies are at a bar

One lady boasts that her vagina is so big, her husband can fit his whole fist inside. The other lady scoffs and claims her husband can fit up to his elbow inside. The third lady has been silent so far. "So? What about yours?" the first lady asks, but the third lady just smiles, as she slides down he...

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Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?

He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.

Asked my girlfriend who’s into fitness and nutrition, to take a break and have a cheat day

She slept with her best friend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychiatrist and a man are touring a mental hospital to see if it would be a good fit for his brother.

They are walking down a hallway when they pass a door the man looks in. Inside there is this young man who his holding his hands up to his stomach, raising his leg and then lunges forwards in a pitching motion. "Oh! Hey! I'm practicing my pitch, I'm going to be a famous pitcher for the Los Angeles D...

What is Jesus's favourite workout?

CrossFit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real*...

My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

Why shouldn't you use a fitting room in a store run by Team Rocket?

They might try to take a Pikachu!

I think Harry Potter would fit in well working at the post office...

Apparently he's got the rare gift of being able to speak Parceltongue.

My meth head friend told me drugs help him fit his whole day into a four hour period

"Take some more", I told him. "You could fit your whole life in one afternoon!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a sex worker with diarrhea?

One of them shucks between fits...

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

What is six inches long, fits in your mouth, and is more fun when it vibrates?

A toothbrush, you perverts.

Dr Ian Malcolm isn't sure how to fit his favorite cereal in the grocery cart

But Life finds a way

Some people can't even fit kitchen appliances through their front door.

Just let that sink in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I needed a new way of saying, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

I was in an argument with someone and didn't want to say, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

And I came up with

"If the dildo fits then go fuck yourself."

:)

Two Irishmen, Paddy and Colm, are sitting in a pub discussing religion.

Paddy says "I love the idea of religion but I can never really get into it. I never find the one that I feel I can fit into to, I've tried everything. I've tried Catholicism, Protestantism, Buddhism, Mormonism, even tried that Islamic one that I can't remember the name of."

"Shiite?" inquires...

I saw a five legged woman crying and I asked her why.

She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said “at least your knickers fit like a glove”

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Why is a waist called a waist?

Another pair of boobs could have easily fit there

Why are kenyans so fit and run so fast?

They do Naerobics.

When the Hulk goes into an uncontrollable fit of rage he's "incredible"

When I do it I'm an "alcoholic"

What’s it called when a 3 year old antivaxx kid starts having a fit?

A midlife crisis

I tried really hard to enjoy my job at a shoe factory.

But I just didn't fit in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to get a lip tattoo that said micropenis

but it couldn't fit in my mouth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,

"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."

Can you help me with my wife's bra fitting?

Sam goes into Macy's, to the lingerie department, and he says to the salesgirl, "My wife has sent me in for a Jewish bra, size 34B, and she said that you'd know what I meant."

The saleslady says, "Boy, it's been a long time since anybody's asked me for a Jewish bra. They usually ask me for a...

Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy.

That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.

3 men venture into the forest and come upon a cannibal tribe.

The cannibals capture the three men and bring him to their leader.

King cannibal: I will allow you to leave without being eaten if you can complete my challenge. Find 10 fruits in the forest, and bring them back. Then you will hear it.

The men leave, get their fruits. The first back b...

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

An athiest, vegan, and cross fit mother walk into a bar.

We know this because they all announced it during their first five words they said to anyone


My friend told me this and I laughed so hard

what does a devil do to stay fit?

>!exorcise!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

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