This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.



The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."



The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Uranus can fit 63 Earths

64 if you relax.

What’s it called when a 3 year old antivaxx kid starts having a fit?

A midlife crisis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The blue whale has a vagina large enough to fit around 5-7 men. That makes her the second biggest pussy right behind

The kid who said his not playing just before he was about to be tagged

Cats are really flexible. They can fit just about anywhere and go into any position, it seems.

If you had that flexibility, what’s the second thing you’d do?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits..

"Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!"

"Babe, it's a fucking scarf!"

My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

Like the old saying goes: "If the shoe fits ..."

"... like a poorly made glove, then it's probably on the wrong ear."

I was on a date with this really fit girl.

Well, it wasn't a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie..


Then the jet landed.

what does a devil do to stay fit?

>!exorcise!<

It's important to keep fit as you get older,

my granny started walking 5 kilometres
a day when she was 60.
Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

When the Hulk goes into an uncontrollable fit of rage he's "incredible"

When I do it I'm an "alcoholic"

Do you know someone who can fit all the animals in a ship?

I noah guy

In a fit of rage I smashed my keyboard til all the keys popped off.

I guess you could say I lost Ctrl.

I invented a small fan that fits in your ear.

It’s mind-blowing.

Why couldn't the flat-Earther fit his luggage in his car?

No space.

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler mustn't have been very fit,

I mean he couldn't even finish off one race.

How did Jesus get so fit?

Crossfit!

Why does it take many hands to fit a lightbulb ?

Because many hands make light work.
(This is my first attempt at a joke on here)

I was asked to fit new flooring in an Egyptian pharaohs tomb, they asked me to start at the bottom and work my way up to the top.

It wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme but it was multi level carpeting.

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

How do you fit an elephant in the fridge in three simple steps?

* How do you fit an entire elephant in the refrigerator in three simple steps?
* *How?*
* You open the door, you stick the elephant in, and you close the door



* How do you fit a giraffe in the refrigerator in four easy steps?
* *How?*
* You open the door, you take the elep...

When building a brick oven it’s important to make the hole big enough to fit a chicken

And also to use a door, so he can’t get out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

Why are priests always super fit?

They exorcise a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many buttholes can fit round a barstool?

Four of you flip it over.

How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish

What does someone with no hands say after buying a condom that doesn't fit?

"Fits like a glove."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what elongates when you pull on it, fits perfectly in a hole and good between breasts?

a dick.

what did you think i was gonna say, a seatbelt?

The only difference between fit and fat is one letter

It's u

How Do You Fit 8 Elephants In a Car

2 in the front, 3 in the back and the bottle from an earlier joke in the middle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,

"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."

Did you know you can fit any boat over your head like a hat, if you just flip it over?

That's how you make it cap-sized...

I asked the clerk at the store if a body would fit in this suitcase

I'm just kidding, i'm going to cut it up.

90s Boygroup Songs are a Perfect Fit to the current UK Relationship with Europe...

Tell me why

Ain't nothin' but a heartache

Tell me why

Ain't nothin' but a mistake

Tell me why

I never want to hear you say

I want Brexit that way

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me today "Look! I've had this since high school and it still fits perfectly!"

Me: "Yeah, it's a fucking scarf."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real*...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Given the terms: drum, meat, egg, blowjob which one doesn't fit?

Blowjob. You can beat a drum, beat an egg, beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the man with 5 penises?

His pants fit him like a glove.

Did you know? All eight planets can fit in between the earth and the moon?

That's 5 CVS tickets long!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Given the words 'wife', 'odds', 'egg', and 'blowjob' which one doesn't fit the category?

Ans: (First, change the above term "wife" to "traffic" so that the good people are happy.) Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat the traffic, but you can't beat a blowjob.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand my wife. She seemed enthusiastic when I suggested we make some homemade porn, then she throws a fuckin' fit…

…when I start auditioning women for her part.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you fit 100 Jews in a car?

You build a very large car.

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

How many superheroes can you fit in one car?

Five

Two in the front

Two in the back

And Peter Parker in the ash tray

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very fit, attractive man is jogging along the beach one morning...

...and he comes across a old, handicapped woman in a wheelchair, sobbing.


The man stops, and with concern in his voice, politely asks the woman what’s the matter.


She waves him off, but he insists. He wants to help.


“Well, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a whee...

Today I had an interview for a job at Microsoft, and the recruiter asked me "Why do you think you are a good fit for our company?"

I replied: "because I too am micro and soft right now"

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

You take the ‘s’ out of ‘safe’ and the ‘f’ out of ‘way.’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three hookers were sitting in a bar...

The first hooker says: "My pussy is so big men can fit an entire fist up there!"

The second one says: "Oh that's nothing, most men can fit *two* whole fists up mine!"

The 3rd hooker just starts sliding down the barstool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many cocks can the average man fit in his ass?

I don't know, but I'm not allowed at my uncle's farm anymore.

Two engineers meet each other on their way into work ]

One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it. "Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'" "Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn...

Our one-year-old throws a complete fit if his breakfast doesn't include toast.

We think he might be lack toast intolerant.

Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

How many Egyptians can you fit in a pyramid?

A pharaoh mount.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know: Blue whales have vaginas that can fit up to 5-6 grown men...

which makes them the 2nd biggest pussies in the world right after France in WWII

My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

She's 70 now and I have no goddamn idea about where she is.

If the shoe fits...

She's probably a man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"It'll never fit in" she said, a worried look on her face.

"It's far too big".
I pushed, and it slid right in through the back, as far as it could go.
"Oh", she said, with a slight smile and a gasp.

Fucking knew I'd fit that table in the car.

Why would Jesus not fit well in this sub?

Because he came up with something original

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop notices a young fit man pull into a handicap parking spot and approaches him as he is getting out of the car.

“Excuse me sir, what exactly is your disability?”

The man replied, “Tourette’s. Now fuck off asshole.”

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “...

He wasn't the most fit or handsome guy, but she loved him for what he is.

A Millionaire.

What did they do with the politician who couldn't fit in his coffin?

Gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box

Tried to buy a psychic a small shirt. It didn’t fit

He was a medium

What's black and white and red all over and can't fit through a revolving door?

a NUN, with a SPEAR through her head.

How do you fit 300 cows into a barn?

Easy. Put up a "BINGO" sign

Question: Would you know what actions to take if someone had an epileptic fit in the bath?

"Throw the Laundry in"..

Wife: "Look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits."

Husband: "For God’s sake woman, it’s a scarf!"

(Stolen idea but funny) My kid embarrassed me by throwing a huge fit and rolling around on the floor when I took him shopping.

That's the last time I take an epileptic kid to the strobe light store

What's perfectly round and fits into round holes perfectly well?

A square peg in denial.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.