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What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

what does a devil do to stay fit?

>!exorcise!<

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My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits..

"Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!"

"Babe, it's a fucking scarf!"

I was on a date with this really fit girl.

Well, it wasn't a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie..


Then the jet landed.

I invented a small fan that fits in your ear.

It’s mind-blowing.

In a fit of rage I smashed my keyboard til all the keys popped off.

I guess you could say I lost Ctrl.

When the Hulk goes into an uncontrollable fit of rage he's "incredible"

When I do it I'm an "alcoholic"

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

How did Jesus get so fit?

Crossfit!

Why couldn't the flat-Earther fit his luggage in his car?

No space.

My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

Why does it take many hands to fit a lightbulb ?

Because many hands make light work.
(This is my first attempt at a joke on here)

I was asked to fit new flooring in an Egyptian pharaohs tomb, they asked me to start at the bottom and work my way up to the top.

It wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme but it was multi level carpeting.

How do you fit an elephant in the fridge in three simple steps?

* How do you fit an entire elephant in the refrigerator in three simple steps?
* *How?*
* You open the door, you stick the elephant in, and you close the door



* How do you fit a giraffe in the refrigerator in four easy steps?
* *How?*
* You open the door, you take the elep...

Why are priests always super fit?

They exorcise a lot.

My fashion advisor is really bad at finding me clothes that fit

I think I will have to take some measures

How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

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How many buttholes can fit round a barstool?

Four of you flip it over.

I used to be a researcher for a hard drive manufacturer. I was the first person ever to fit 1000 megabytes into an SSD. Looking back...

It was a solid gig.

What does someone with no hands say after buying a condom that doesn't fit?

"Fits like a glove."

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I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,

"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."

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what elongates when you pull on it, fits perfectly in a hole and good between breasts?

a dick.

what did you think i was gonna say, a seatbelt?

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

How Do You Fit 8 Elephants In a Car

2 in the front, 3 in the back and the bottle from an earlier joke in the middle.

Did you know you can fit any boat over your head like a hat, if you just flip it over?

That's how you make it cap-sized...

90s Boygroup Songs are a Perfect Fit to the current UK Relationship with Europe...

Tell me why

Ain't nothin' but a heartache

Tell me why

Ain't nothin' but a mistake

Tell me why

I never want to hear you say

I want Brexit that way

I asked the clerk at the store if a body would fit in this suitcase

I'm just kidding, i'm going to cut it up.

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My wife told me today "Look! I've had this since high school and it still fits perfectly!"

Me: "Yeah, it's a fucking scarf."

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Did you hear about the man with 5 penises?

His pants fit him like a glove.

The only difference between fit and fat is one letter

It's u

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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

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Given the terms: drum, meat, egg, blowjob which one doesn't fit?

Blowjob. You can beat a drum, beat an egg, beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob.

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I don't understand my wife. She seemed enthusiastic when I suggested we make some homemade porn, then she throws a fuckin' fit…

…when I start auditioning women for her part.

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A very fit, attractive man is jogging along the beach one morning...

...and he comes across a old, handicapped woman in a wheelchair, sobbing.


The man stops, and with concern in his voice, politely asks the woman what’s the matter.


She waves him off, but he insists. He wants to help.


“Well, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a whee...

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How do you fit 100 Jews in a car?

You build a very large car.

Today I had an interview for a job at Microsoft, and the recruiter asked me "Why do you think you are a good fit for our company?"

I replied: "because I too am micro and soft right now"

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Given the words 'wife', 'odds', 'egg', and 'blowjob' which one doesn't fit the category?

Ans: (First, change the above term "wife" to "traffic" so that the good people are happy.) Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat the traffic, but you can't beat a blowjob.

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Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real*...

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Three hookers were sitting in a bar...

The first hooker says: "My pussy is so big men can fit an entire fist up there!"

The second one says: "Oh that's nothing, most men can fit *two* whole fists up mine!"

The 3rd hooker just starts sliding down the barstool.

How many Egyptians can you fit in a pyramid?

A pharaoh mount.

Our one-year-old throws a complete fit if his breakfast doesn't include toast.

We think he might be lack toast intolerant.

If the shoe fits...

She's probably a man.

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How many cocks can the average man fit in his ass?

I don't know, but I'm not allowed at my uncle's farm anymore.

Why would Jesus not fit well in this sub?

Because he came up with something original

How many superheroes can you fit in one car?

Five

Two in the front

Two in the back

And Peter Parker in the ash tray

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"It'll never fit in" she said, a worried look on her face.

"It's far too big".
I pushed, and it slid right in through the back, as far as it could go.
"Oh", she said, with a slight smile and a gasp.

Fucking knew I'd fit that table in the car.

Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

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Did you know: Blue whales have vaginas that can fit up to 5-6 grown men...

which makes them the 2nd biggest pussies in the world right after France in WWII

My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

She's 70 now and I have no goddamn idea about where she is.

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

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A cop notices a young fit man pull into a handicap parking spot and approaches him as he is getting out of the car.

“Excuse me sir, what exactly is your disability?”

The man replied, “Tourette’s. Now fuck off asshole.”

Two engineers meet each other on their way into work ]

One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it. "Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'" "Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn...

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

What's black and white and red all over and can't fit through a revolving door?

a NUN, with a SPEAR through her head.

Tried to buy a psychic a small shirt. It didn’t fit

He was a medium

What did they do with the politician who couldn't fit in his coffin?

Gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box

How do you fit 300 cows into a barn?

Easy. Put up a "BINGO" sign

He wasn't the most fit or handsome guy, but she loved him for what he is.

A Millionaire.

What is red and and won’t fit in your pocket?

Mars.

What's perfectly round and fits into round holes perfectly well?

A square peg in denial.

(Stolen idea but funny) My kid embarrassed me by throwing a huge fit and rolling around on the floor when I took him shopping.

That's the last time I take an epileptic kid to the strobe light store

How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag?

You take the 's' out of 'Safe' and the 'f' out of 'way'.

I can fit the amount of times I have visited Chernobyl on my fingers

12

Wife: "Look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits."

Husband: "For God’s sake woman, it’s a scarf!"

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

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Anal sex keeps my wife really fit.

Every time I mention it she runs a mile.

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You know you can fit 63 Earths in Uranus.

I don't think I'll ever be mature enough to not laugh at that.

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic.

I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt...

So, I made a move on her.

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