I'm really fit and skinny

Too bad this is the only subreddit I can say this on

"Social credit system , censorship of any info that does not fit their narrative , Demonization of people with wrong think " You know who I am talking about.

Reddit

how does a priest get fit?

he exorcises.

What is the dog version of "if it fits I sits"?

"If it throws I goes"

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What's the difference between a fitness blog and a porn site?

One's all about proteins, whilst the other is more about amateur teens

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

What do you call a smelly fitness center

A gym-nauseam

An almost blind guy walked into Lover's Lane to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $500 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit.

But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.
So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

Cardi B has a sister that's a fitness instructor.

Her name is Cardi O

How does wind get fit?

Air Conditioning

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Did you know that Uranus can fit 63 earths?

Relax and we could probably squeeze in 64

On my 18th birthday my friend introduced me to his fit sister.

I was happy to meat her.

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What is the easiest way to fit an entire peanut butter sandwich into your mouth?

You jam it.

I can fit the lyrics of the song 'Uptown Funk' into any conversation.

Don't believe me? Just watch!

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What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic!

I hope Planet Fitness really is a judgement free zone

Gonna be taking my dumps there for the next couple weeks.

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Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?

He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

How do you fit 1,000,000 elephants in a Safeway?

You take the S from Safe and the F from Way

My wife's cooking is fit for a King

Here King! Here King!

Day three of quarantine. I can feel my fitness level depleting and my body fat increasing.

I have not been to the gym for three years.

I'm starting a new get-fit routine

I'll get this pizza to fit in my mouth, I'll get this taco to fit in my mouth, I'll get this burger to fit in my mouth...

Am elderly gentleman with hearing problems goes to the doctor and gets fitted with hearing aids.

After a month he goes back for a checkup and the doctor asks him how things are going now that he can hear everything and if his friends and family have said anything.

The gentleman replied, "I haven't told anyone yet I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will f...

I spent $80 on a belt that didn't fit...

My wife said it was a huge waist.

It is fitting that Coronavirus started in communist China

because everyone is going to get it.

My grandfather turned 65 and started running a mile a day to stay fit.

He’s 70 now and we still have no idea where he is.

My jean jacket doesn't fit right

I can only fit my arms in the leg holes but I don't have torso or back coverage

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Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.



The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."



The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older ...

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A plane is flying over the Amazon when it crashes...

...three men survive the plane crash (German, French, American).

They crash near a village and get captured by the tribe. The villagers tell the three men that: "We aren't cannibals, and we're normally peaceful and wouldn't kill you, but our canoes are riddled with holes, and we need your sk...

When the doctor told me he had fitted a thermostat instead of a pacemaker, I was livid.

Made my blood boil.

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A psychiatrist and a man are touring a mental hospital to see if it would be a good fit for his brother.

They are walking down a hallway when they pass a door the man looks in. Inside there is this young man who his holding his hands up to his stomach, raising his leg and then lunges forwards in a pitching motion. "Oh! Hey! I'm practicing my pitch, I'm going to be a famous pitcher for the Los Angeles D...

Why shouldn't you use a fitting room in a store run by Team Rocket?

They might try to take a Pikachu!

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How much can you fit in a triple D bra?

Large quantitties

Wife: I have bag full of clothes I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in trash? It's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use the clothes

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits in your clothes is not starving.

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it still actually fit!

So Proud of myself.
It was a scraf, but still. Let’s be positive here.

What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?

A drama dairy.




\[My brother answered "A male one", which might be funnier.\]

Asked my girlfriend who’s into fitness and nutrition, to take a break and have a cheat day

She slept with her best friend

I think Harry Potter would fit in well working at the post office...

Apparently he's got the rare gift of being able to speak Parceltongue.

Some people can't even fit kitchen appliances through their front door.

Just let that sink in.

Dr Ian Malcolm isn't sure how to fit his favorite cereal in the grocery cart

But Life finds a way

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

My meth head friend told me drugs help him fit his whole day into a four hour period

"Take some more", I told him. "You could fit your whole life in one afternoon!"

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3 married prostitutes were having an argument about their abilities.

The first says that her vagina is so wide that her husband can fit his entire forearm in it. She calls her husband for proof who comes and does exactly that.

Not to be outdone, the second prostitute says that her husband can fit his head in it who comes over and proves her right.

Final...

A Fox, a Rabbit and a Bear are about to be drafted into the military.

The Fox says “There is no way I’m the world I’m letting myself get drafted, we need to find a way for us to get excused. Are you guys with me?”
The Bear and the Rabbit agree.
The Fox, quickly thinking, suggests: “I’ll cut off my own tail. A Fox without a tail is useless, right?”
The Rabbit ...

The past tense of fat is

fit.

Why are kenyans so fit and run so fast?

They do Naerobics.

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I needed a new way of saying, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

I was in an argument with someone and didn't want to say, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

And I came up with

"If the dildo fits then go fuck yourself."

:)

Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy.

That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

Can you help me with my wife's bra fitting?

Sam goes into Macy's, to the lingerie department, and he says to the salesgirl, "My wife has sent me in for a Jewish bra, size 34B, and she said that you'd know what I meant."

The saleslady says, "Boy, it's been a long time since anybody's asked me for a Jewish bra. They usually ask me for a...

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Old ladies

Two old ladies were sitting outside a pharmacy smoke a cigarette when it starts to rain. One old lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom, snips the tip off, slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking. The other old lady looks shocked and says, "I'm gonna have to try that."
So ...

Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.

I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:

Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

A. You throw in your washing.

Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My br...

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#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

I joined a fitness group where the main objective is to always take the stairs.

It's a 10,000 step program.

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

Wanna get a Jesus bod? Ever wonder how the Lord got so ripped?

CrossFit

A punishment should always fit the crime.

If someone cuts in line, you cut their brake line.

An athiest, vegan, and cross fit mother walk into a bar.

We know this because they all announced it during their first five words they said to anyone


My friend told me this and I laughed so hard

What’s it called when a 3 year old antivaxx kid starts having a fit?

A midlife crisis

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A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration.
“You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the test...

Fitted sheets were the original USB plug

You put it on and it’s wrong. You turn it once and it’s still wrong. You turn it back and then it’s right.

When the Hulk goes into an uncontrollable fit of rage he's "incredible"

When I do it I'm an "alcoholic"

what does a devil do to stay fit?

>!exorcise!<

Sometimes I wonder how many Egyptians...

Sometimes I wonder how many Egyptians you could fit in a pyramid...

It's probably a pharaoh mount!

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What's the difference between a condom and a cockpit?

You can only fit one prick in a condom.

What do you call a fit Muslim man?

Moe Slim!

I used to be Fat and rejected, but then I thought things had to change so I went to the gym every day for 6 months and I got fit. And now I am

Just Rejected!!!!

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The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.

Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose.

Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?"

She says she doesn't know.

He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!"

The teacher, surprised by th...

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

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Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real*...

Why do dancers like loose fitting trousers?

They’re better for ball room.

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager said, 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goe...

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My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits..

"Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!"

"Babe, it's a fucking scarf!"

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King Arthur's shortest Knight.

Once there was a man who wanted be a Knight of the Round table. He had all the qualifications, but he was under 3 feet tall. He journeyed to Camelot to gain audience with King Arthur.

When he appeared before the court, all the other knights made fun and heckled him mercilessly. He though...

I was trying to find a place in the clothes shop to try on some shirts. Finally found somewhere just right.

It was a fitting room.

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I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,

"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."

A young man drives to his friend with a new Porsche

The friend is surprised and wants to know how he got the cool car.

He replies: "So I was taken by a woman as a hitchhiker. Suddenly she stops at a rest area, pulls her panties down, wags it in front of my nose and tells me that I can now have everything I want from her. Said , done. And here ...

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Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tyre...

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way. A few minutes later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the fuck happened?" asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and bejaysus she takes her knickers off, lies on the ground and says, ‘take what you want big boy!’ So I took ...

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.



Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wan...

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

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What's the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a dysentery prostitute?

The corn husker shucks between fits

Why do demons hate fitness?

They don't like being exorcised.

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A gentleman on his way to a job interview in Brooklyn breaks the sole of his shoe.

Not wanting to arrive at the interview with a broken shoe, he asks some by-standers where the closest cobbler is.

“You’ll want Olaf Von Gundersen.” says one gentleman. “He isn’t very close by but he’s quick and his prices are just right.”

Having no choice, the man with the broken shoe...

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Another 'Walk into the Bar' joke.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine." The bartender asks about his wooden leg. "You didn't have that before?" The pirate says, "Well, we were in a battle and I go...

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Little Johnny was under foot all morning while his mother was trying to clean the house.

She tells him to go across the street where they are building a house to see if he might learn something.

A few hours later Johnny returns home, the mother asks, “What did you learn?”
He replies, “Well, you hang the damn door up there and it doesn’t fit, of course. So you take it down and ...

A Thai family moves to China to evade poverty in Thailand

The father and son find a job in a manufacturing plant. The days are long, the work gruesome, their clothes dirty and torn. The pay is low, but just enough to provide their family with food and shelter.

A few years pass, and the son, now 20, became really skilled. He has a good relationship ...

Guy walks into the pharmacy

Guy walks into the pharmacy and asks for a packet of SSX condoms. The chemist brought a pack and asked,"Are you sure you want this size, they wouldn't fit a mouse?"

"I hope so",said the guy"I'm over run with them".

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I'm doing a free Bra give away.

Send me a picture of your tits and I'll see if there's something that fits you.

Dad, can you put my shoes on?



**No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.**

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The blue whale has a vagina large enough to fit around 5-7 men. That makes her the second biggest pussy right behind

The kid who said his not playing just before he was about to be tagged

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An American spy goes to Russia

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband lo...

3 Warsaw Pact generals are sitting around a table..

discussing military rations for their armies.

The East German General says "For a East German soldier he needs 2500 calories a day to be combat fit for battle!"
The Soviet General scoffs and says "Pfft for Soviet soldier to be combat fit he only needs 2200 calories a day!"
The Polis...

Why does it take many hands to fit a lightbulb ?

Because many hands make light work.
(This is my first attempt at a joke on here)

I gently slid her panties to the left...

So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer

[Long] Theodore was once a wild horse, happily roaming amongst the sagebrush of Nye County, NV. But he wandered into Area 51 one day.

After the sensors detected his presence, Theodore was captured by scientists and used for experiments. One day, through a highly unethical and bleeding-edge process utilizing CRISPR, he was transformed into a human male.

Not everything carried over well between life as a horse and life as a ...

Save me, Doc

A man just back from a long trip through the tropics starts feeling very unwell. He goes to see his doctor, but passes out in the office and is rushed to hospital for tests.

The man wakes up alone in a private room, feeling awful, wondering what is happening to him. Soon, a phone by his bed r...

Illnesses are very fit.

Especially if they run in your family

I was on a date with this really fit girl.

Well, it wasn't a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie..


Then the jet landed.

I bought this old Russian car from a guy down the street from me... Little did I know it was fitted with a bomb and warning sound.

The explosion was like Lada-bing, Lada-Boom.

In a interview, my boss asked me, "Why do you think you should work here?"

I said, "My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I then tried crushing cans for recycling, but I quit because it was soda-pressing....

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife's clothes.

Dude is getting ready for prom night

He thinks to himself; "I'm gonna need to make this night perfect so I can get laid!".

He thinks about what he'll need. "I'll need a perfectly fitted tuxedo so I look good so I can get laid!" So he goes to the tailor and sees an incredibly long line. It's prom day so he's not the only one thin...

It's important to keep fit as you get older,

my granny started walking 5 kilometres
a day when she was 60.
Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

In a fit of rage I smashed my keyboard til all the keys popped off.

I guess you could say I lost Ctrl.

Parker seeks the help of International Rescue for something out of the ordinary...

"You have to help me, Mr. Tracy. It's Lady Penelope. She has gone crazy! "

"Gone crazy, Parker? What do you mean by that?"

"It's her drinking....She cannot restrain herself. Every evening for five months she's been in the bar, drinking heavily, disturbing everybody and being utterly un...

A man in his late twenties was in a car accident... (Long)

The windshield shattered and a piece flew into his eye, blinding him and causing irreparable damage to the eyeball itself. As this man had substantial student loan debt, his doctor could only find one prosthetic eye in his price range and it happened to be made out of wood. To help him deal with thi...

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A man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.

For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy.

Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.

The next morning h...

Things you can say about a Home, But not your spouse.

You can fit a family of 4 in there! even the in laws!


Just come in the back door it's no big deal.


Dangit we got another leak....

A man calls his doctor because he suspects he has Corona

They discuss his symptoms and conclude that he indeed has the disease.

Doctor: you will need to start the 3P diet.

Man: the 3P diet? What's that?

Doctor: pizza, pancakes, and panini

Man: but doctor, why?

Doctor: because they fit under the door

There’s a new gym in town that’s religious

It’s called Jehovah’s Fitness

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Hitler mustn't have been very fit,

I mean he couldn't even finish off one race.

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Given the words 'wife', 'odds', 'egg', and 'blowjob' which one doesn't fit the category?

Ans: (First, change the above term "wife" to "traffic" so that the good people are happy.) Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat the traffic, but you can't beat a blowjob.

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,

but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot...

Following a particularly good year, the circus decided to spend their profits on a human cannonball exhibit

After the cannon was delivered, they realized that the manufacturer got the dimensions all wrong. The barrel was so narrow that only a child could fit inside, and a child would never be allowed to perform such a dangerous act.


Months went by and the cannon remained unused, until one day...

I'm opening a fitness center for females only.

It's called Gymnecology.

Three women met up in a bar.

After talking about what they've all been through, and they've all had a few drinks, their conversation takes a personal turn and they start talking about how loose they are.

One says, "I can fit a while sausage."

Another says, "I can fit a cucumber. "

The third woman says nothi...

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A biker walks into a bar.

As he made his way to the bartender, he spotted a 30-ish y/o man sitting in his table with a serious look in his face, staring daggers at the cup of drink before him.

Feeling great for the day, the biker made his way to the sitting man and directly took his cup, and drank the whole thing as a...

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How Bangkok became the capital of Thailand

Long ago there was a king of Thailand, and he unfortunately passed away due to old age. However the people of Thailand saw this as an opportunity to grow and create a capital and have a new young robust leader.

The people decided to go to the surrounding tribes and select a few fit young men ...

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