Cardi B has a sister that's a fitness instructor.

Her name is Cardi O

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

How do you fit 1,000,000 elephants in a Safeway?

You take the S from Safe and the F from Way

What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?

A drama dairy.




\[My brother answered "A male one", which might be funnier.\]

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it still actually fit!

So Proud of myself.
It was a scraf, but still. Let’s be positive here.

What is six inches long, fits in your mouth, and is more fun when it vibrates?

A toothbrush, you perverts.

What do you call a fit Muslim man?

Moe Slim!

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How much can you fit in a triple D bra?

Large quantitties

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I needed a new way of saying, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

I was in an argument with someone and didn't want to say, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

And I came up with

"If the dildo fits then go fuck yourself."

:)

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What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

Fitted sheets were the original USB plug

You put it on and it’s wrong. You turn it once and it’s still wrong. You turn it back and then it’s right.

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

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Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.



The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."



The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older ...

I used to be Fat and rejected, but then I thought things had to change so I went to the gym every day for 6 months and I got fit. And now I am

Just Rejected!!!!

How does a cat land on its feet and fit through small places?

Mew-tonian physics.

An athiest, vegan, and cross fit mother walk into a bar.

We know this because they all announced it during their first five words they said to anyone


My friend told me this and I laughed so hard

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic

Why do demons hate fitness?

They don't like being exorcised.

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,

but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot...

Why do dancers like loose fitting trousers?

They’re better for ball room.

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A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?”

The man replies “Like a glove.”

Cardi B hired a fitness trainer to plan her diet. He was a master of

CardiOgraphy

What’s it called when a 3 year old antivaxx kid starts having a fit?

A midlife crisis

I bought this old Russian car from a guy down the street from me... Little did I know it was fitted with a bomb and warning sound.

The explosion was like Lada-bing, Lada-Boom.

Illnesses are very fit.

Especially if they run in your family

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

what does a devil do to stay fit?

>!exorcise!<

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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.

Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.<...

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Uranus can fit 63 Earths

64 if you relax.

I'm opening a fitness center for females only.

It's called Gymnecology.

My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

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The blue whale has a vagina large enough to fit around 5-7 men. That makes her the second biggest pussy right behind

The kid who said his not playing just before he was about to be tagged

Two engineering students were walking across campus...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off...

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My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits..

"Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!"

"Babe, it's a fucking scarf!"

When the Hulk goes into an uncontrollable fit of rage he's "incredible"

When I do it I'm an "alcoholic"

It's important to keep fit as you get older,

my granny started walking 5 kilometres
a day when she was 60.
Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

I was on a date with this really fit girl.

Well, it wasn't a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie..


Then the jet landed.

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

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Headache & testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition...

Cats are really flexible. They can fit just about anywhere and go into any position, it seems.

If you had that flexibility, what’s the second thing you’d do?

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Hitler mustn't have been very fit,

I mean he couldn't even finish off one race.

In a fit of rage I smashed my keyboard til all the keys popped off.

I guess you could say I lost Ctrl.

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him ...

Like the old saying goes: "If the shoe fits ..."

"... like a poorly made glove, then it's probably on the wrong ear."

Why does it take many hands to fit a lightbulb ?

Because many hands make light work.
(This is my first attempt at a joke on here)

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

Do you know someone who can fit all the animals in a ship?

I noah guy

Why couldn't the flat-Earther fit his luggage in his car?

No space.

I invented a small fan that fits in your ear.

It’s mind-blowing.

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A condom company hosts a fitting at a local grocery store...

and a hot blonde is there to measure penises and tell the guy what size he needs. One guy walks up and she says “Drop your pants.” She measures him and says “You need size extra large.” Another guy walks up, pulls down his pants and says, “You need size extra small.”

In the next aisle over, a...

People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.

But I think his death was a fitting metaphor for apples attitude to battery life.

A man and a woman are having their firstborn child

Several hours after the baby is delivered the doctor rushes out to the waiting room where the man is and says “SIR WE’VE DISCOVERED YOUR BABY CAN FLY!!! Come quickly!!” The man, astonished by this news, rushes with the doctor to the room where his wife and child are. The doctor picks the baby up and...

How did Jesus get so fit?

Crossfit!

What happens when you win a lawsuit against Planet Fitness?

Heads explode because you've just won a judgement against the judgement free zone.

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I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,

"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did yo...

I was asked to fit new flooring in an Egyptian pharaohs tomb, they asked me to start at the bottom and work my way up to the top.

It wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme but it was multi level carpeting.

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Religion is like a movie

The Torah is the first one, the New Testament is the sequel. The Qur'an is a reboot of the second - there's still Jesus, but he's not the main character anymore.

* Jews like the first movie, but ignore the sequels.
* Christians like the first two, but the third doesn't count.
* Muslims...

Why are priests always super fit?

They exorcise a lot.

How do you fit an elephant in the fridge in three simple steps?

* How do you fit an entire elephant in the refrigerator in three simple steps?
* *How?*
* You open the door, you stick the elephant in, and you close the door



* How do you fit a giraffe in the refrigerator in four easy steps?
* *How?*
* You open the door, you take the elep...

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According to my new fitness smart watch

I’ve masturbated for 4 miles already today.

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How many buttholes can fit round a barstool?

Four of you flip it over.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

When building a brick oven it’s important to make the hole big enough to fit a chicken

And also to use a door, so he can’t get out

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish

What are the ways you can describe your motorcycle but not your girlfriend?

# It's small, but it makes a hell of a noise.

# If you really push up tight, you can fit three people on it.

# It's ok... If you don't mind the bugs in her teeth.

# Sure you can ride her, everyone else has.

What’s the difference between an epileptic clam shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?

The clam shucker shucks between fits.

I used to be a researcher for a hard drive manufacturer. I was the first person ever to fit 1000 megabytes into an SSD. Looking back...

It was a solid gig.

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Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real*...

3 hookers are chatting in a bar

The first says "I've worked it so much I can fit a squash up there." The second says "that's nothing, I can stick a melon up mine." The third just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool.

In the end, I had to deactivate my malfunctioning fitness avatar.

It just wasn’t working out for me.

What does someone with no hands say after buying a condom that doesn't fit?

"Fits like a glove."

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

What do you call a good fitting bra?

A girl's breast friend

What was Jesus' workout regimen?

CrossFit

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An anthropologist visited a local translator in Zimbabwe.

"I'd like to set up a meeting with the nearby Xhosa tribe," he said. "But I haven't had any luck finding them. Can you help me send a message?"

The translator smiled. "Ah yes, they are difficult to find. This particular tribe has very little interest in Westerners. But there is a way to arran...

How Do You Fit 8 Elephants In a Car

2 in the front, 3 in the back and the bottle from an earlier joke in the middle.

The only difference between fit and fat is one letter

It's u

I was going to join the marines, but I couldn't pass the final exam

No matter how hard I tried, my head just wouldn't fit into that jar

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

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what elongates when you pull on it, fits perfectly in a hole and good between breasts?

a dick.

what did you think i was gonna say, a seatbelt?

Did you know you can fit any boat over your head like a hat, if you just flip it over?

That's how you make it cap-sized...

The Legend of Curtis

So imagine a dude named Curtis. Curtis had a marker, and a billion sheets of paper. On each of the sheets, he drew the letter E as big as he can fit it into the page. When he finished, he scattered each and every one of those pages all over Earth. They’re pretty much everywhere, there may even be on...

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3 wives walk into a bar.

Three wives walk into a bar talking about their sex life. The first one smiles and mentions she can fit a cucumber. The second one, not so impressed, says she could fit her whole arm, then, both of them turn to ask the third one, but she was sliding down the stool.

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What's difference between excess and surplus? [NSFW]

Excess: The part of the boob which does't fit in your mouth


Surplus: The second boob

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Given the terms: drum, meat, egg, blowjob which one doesn't fit?

Blowjob. You can beat a drum, beat an egg, beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob.

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Given the words 'wife', 'odds', 'egg', and 'blowjob' which one doesn't fit the category?

Ans: (First, change the above term "wife" to "traffic" so that the good people are happy.) Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat the traffic, but you can't beat a blowjob.

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3 prostitutes were drinking in a bar

After a few too many drinks the women began to boast about how much they can fit inside themselves.

The first woman took a sip of her drink and proceeded to push her fist up to her wrist into her pussy, confident that she had won the competition she sat back and smiled.

The second woma...

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

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Johnny Five Dicks made a personalised condom

It fits like a glove

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A very fit, attractive man is jogging along the beach one morning...

...and he comes across a old, handicapped woman in a wheelchair, sobbing.


The man stops, and with concern in his voice, politely asks the woman what’s the matter.


She waves him off, but he insists. He wants to help.


“Well, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a whee...

Son: Daddy can you put on my shoes?

Me: I can try, but I don't think they will fit!

Yo momma so fat...

She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

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I am doing a bra giveaway.

Send me pics of your boobs and I'll see if I have something that fits you.

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My wife told me today "Look! I've had this since high school and it still fits perfectly!"

Me: "Yeah, it's a fucking scarf."

I asked the clerk at the store if a body would fit in this suitcase

I'm just kidding, i'm going to cut it up.

My friend dropped a pear into the toilet bowl

Friend: I’ll just flush it down, I’m too lazy to take it out and wash it along with my hands

Me: How do you know it’ll fit go down without getting stuck?

Friend: Don’t you know? A flush always beats a pear!

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A guy goes to a convenience store to buy a pack of condoms.

The woman behind the counter asks him what size he needs.

"Gee, I guess I'm not sure." Replies the guy.

The woman tells him, "Go out around the corner and you'll find a fence with three holes in it. Stick your penis in to each one and tell me which size fits best. "

The guy walk...

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How do you fit 100 Jews in a car?

You build a very large car.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig

and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fittin...

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I don't understand my wife. She seemed enthusiastic when I suggested we make some homemade porn, then she throws a fuckin' fit…

…when I start auditioning women for her part.

How many superheroes can you fit in one car?

Five

Two in the front

Two in the back

And Peter Parker in the ash tray

Did you know? All eight planets can fit in between the earth and the moon?

That's 5 CVS tickets long!

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

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I was playing Hangman with a friend...

...and he threw at me what he said was a truly challenging word - a proper noun no less! Said it was someone who was all over the news a lot as of late. All I had to go on were an i and a couple e's. Not a lot of *ease* that *I* could really glean from that! Now, I was sipping some tea at the time, ...

A boy asks a girl to prom

So there's this boy in highschool, around 16 years old and he very nervously and timidly asks this beautiful girl out to prom. Out of his league and the most beautiful I'm the school. He's shocked and quite startled when he hears "id love to go!" Leave her lips.
Short on time with days till or, h...

I applied for a job at a company that makes puzzles.

But, I am worried I may not be a good fit!

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, I haven't found anybody who fits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW My wife brought me a fitness watch for Christmas....

Apparently I wanked for 5 miles last night

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