This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

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I couldn't join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn't pure enough

Turns out, my parents weren't even related.

I tried to join a Jewish society but they didn't let me in

I guess I just didn't make the cut

- Honey, I go to the GYM! You wanna join?

\- Do I look fat or what?

\- If you don't wanna go, don't go.

\- So now you say I'm lazy.

\- Calm down, I didn't say that.

\- So you think I'm hysteric, right?

\- No. I didn't say that!

\- Aha, so I'm a liar too.

\- OK. You don't go.

\- Wait a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A jew and a goy are seated together in a train compartment. No one else joins them and as the train gets underway, the goy decides to engage the jew in a conversation.

The goy asks the jew all sorts of questions about his religion. The jew patiently answers them all.
Eventually they take out their pack lunches and continue the conversation. The goy asks:

« Why is it you people are so smart? »

The jew thinks about it for a while and responds:
...

A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."

The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Somebody asked me if I'd ever join the "Mile high club"

I said I couldn't give a flying fuck

There’s a group of kids outside my house having a water fight, I’ve decided I’m going to go and join them

I’m just chilling on reddit waiting for the kettle to boil

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ole and Lena want to join the local church

So they go meet the pastor. The pastor says “This church very high standards for our members. In order for me to accept you as new members, you will have to prove you are worthy by abstaining from sex for 30 days”.

Ole and Lena look at each other and said “Ya, sure, vee vill give it a try”...

Some people say “if you can’t beat them, join them”

I say “if you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise

A woman joins the army....

A woman was walking through a store when she noticed a colorful flyer pinned to a billboard. It reads:

JOIN THE ARMY NOW! You will receive benefits such as:
• Free college education
• Many veteran benefits
• Experience in many fields of work
• Travel
• Any free car after a sp...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man joins the French Foriegn Legion...

..to forget something. After a while, he had certainly forgotten why he joined, but being a lifetime commitment, he decided to make due.

Nothing was horrible, except for the fact that his small desert outpost was totally devoid of women. After a couple of weeks of build up, he went to his se...

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

I tried to join in on #trashtag, but now I'm in jail.

Apparently it doesn't matter how annoying they are, you can't just clear out white trash.

If you know anyone who wants to join the debate team

You should try to talk them out of it.

Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join...

She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

John, a high school student, wants to join an afterschool club.

He looks through the catalog and decides on Yearbook. One day after school, he walks through the halls but realizes he doesn't know which room is Yearbook.

Finally, after looking around for 10 minutes, he gives up. He sees a room which has people editing photos inside. Thinking it must be Ye...

What do you do if you're too stupid for the Army?

Join the special forces.

How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Anyone wanna join my prayer group for woodworkers?

It's called "Oh, Ye of Whittle Faith."

An Australian Man Joins the U.S. Army

As they present themselves at boot camp, the drill sergeant walks up and down the line, looking for signs of weakness.

He stops and gets in the Australian's face and asks "Did you come here to die soldier?"

The Australian calmly responds, "No sir, I came here yester-die."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The KKK recently announced that male Asian porn stars are welcome to join the Klan

As they too are a part of he supreme cockasian race

Join the flat earth society! We don’t discriminate, because...

We have members all around the globe.

Yes. Flat earth is truly a global movement with a great “sphere” of influence.

A Hippo wants to join the local hippo gang

While speaking with the gang leader he's told in order to join the gang he must have respect for his brothers and impeccable manners.
He nods his head and let's the leader know he was raised in a noble, high class family. These things came easy to him.

The hippo struts out of the leaders r...

They say us british people like to join queues

We dont and i will be first in line to tell you that

A monk joins an abbey

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand. After the first day though he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake," he points out. "It would be i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

And he goes to one place, but he doesn't realise that it hasn't changed since the days when segregation was acceptable, and doesn't allow black people to be members. So he goes up to the reception and says, "Hi, I'd like to join this golf club."

"I'm sorry, sir", says the receptionist, "but I...

A sailor leaves his wife to join the navy.

He writes to his wife that he is on an island surrounded by beautiful women and while he will try to be faithful, he needs something to distract himself from the war.
His wife writes back but sends a package along with her letter. The letter reads, "here's an accordion. I want you to practic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a new guy joins the navy...

And when he gets on his first boat, the captain welcomes him. “What’s up new guy, lemme show u around the ship.” For the next few hours they tour the ship going from bunks to the corridors, everything you can imagine. Eventually the new guy stops him with a question in mind.
He asks, “ Hey, it’s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina.

Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.

A frail old lady wanted to join a biker club...

She knocked on the door of a local biker club, and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.

She proclaimed proudly, "I want to join your biker club."

The man was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain requirements before she was allowed...

Why did Yukon Cornelius join Reddit?

He heard there was Silver and Gold.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Retired nurse wants to join biker gang

This retired nurse wanted to join a biker gang. It was in the 70’s and times were different. They had to interview her first, to see if she was tough enough. They said that they had to ask her 3 questions. The biker asked her if she drank. She replied “Hell yes I drink! I was at the bar last night...

My best friend: “There’s a really hot girl coming over, you gotta join us.”

So I go over there, and we go hard for like 40 minutes.


Then I was like: “Yo timeout... When does that girl get in here bro?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously ver...

Why was William afraid to join the army?

He was scared of the command “fire at will”

Women are finally being allowed to join the SAS!

About time as well, there's no way those brave lads should be cooking their own meals.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

In order to join our club, you must perform the dance

It's called 2 step verification

I tried to join a gymnastics class, once.

I had to bend over backwards just to get in.

Thank you to the dad I overheard telling his daughter this on public transport... a genuine dad joke.

By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this

I know, I'm not very original. This is a re-post. But it's apparently a good one since it's always at the top of the list.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man joins the crew of a sailing ship.

After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?"

The others direct him to a large barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the d...

Maybe the only way to join Illuminati..

Is to buy WinRAR License?

A young man wants to join the Navy. "Can you swim?" the recruiter asks him.

"Why, don't you have boats?"

What is the hardest religion to join?

The diffi-cult.

What group do racist chemists join?

Potassium Potassium Potassium

what does it feel like to join a suicide bomb squad?

I don't know, you'll have to C4 yourself!

What do you call a musician who joins the military

A Major

A sailor has just signed up to join a Transatlantic trade crew for their latest voyage...

The rest of the crew have worked together for years, so he's the only newbie. Initially, it seems to be a pretty ordinary job.

However, after the initial work of loading the ship and leaving the harbor was done, he noticed something weird.

During lunch or dinner, whenever most of the c...

I watch the Boston Marathon every year with my best friend. This year his girlfriend decided to join us, but she just couldn't understand why we were laughing.

It was a running joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My best friend invited me to join a threesome

I've never been one for Male, Male, female threesomes because it's basically gay sex with a witness. However, my best friend who has been my best friend all my life, told me he had this smokin' hot chick coming over who wanted another guy. Being my best friend I felt like I couldn't say no. I show ...

A dog is being interviewed to join MI6

The agent in charge of the process is irritated by this, but he is relieved that the agency provides a set of guidelines that dictates whether or not a candidate passes. So the agent takes the dog for the first test.


“Your first task is to type at 60 words a minute.”


To the age...

What grades do you need to join the navy?

7 C’s

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew. After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.
<...

Why did the electrician join Facebook?

So he could post his current status.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two brothers are forced to join the military.

Both don't want to go. The oldest brother says don't worry i got this, we just gotta make sure we don't pass the medical exam. During the exam the oldest puts a hundred dollar bill between his buttcheeks. The doctor asks him to bent over, looks and says oh you are very sick defenitely not in good sh...

A man joins an order of Monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been f...

Why did the vampire join the circus?

To become an acrobat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wanted to join the premature ejaculation club

I wanted to join the premature ejaculation club but I got the times mixed up and came too early

A man looking to join the Texas sheriffs is being interviewed for the job

The deputy doing the interview says, "Well all of your referrences check out and your qualifications are good. The only thing left is to see how you do on the attitude test."

The deputy slides a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk. "Take this and go shoot 6 illegal Mexicans, 6 bl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence

...but he is allowed to speak two words every decade. After ten years go by he goes up to the abbot and says carefully: "bad food."

Ten more years go by and he again goes up to the abbot and thinks carefully and says: "hard bed."

Finally at the end of ten more years he goes up to the ...

I’ll never join one of those online dating services because I prefer to meet someone the good old-fashioned way...

Through alcohol and poor judgement...

The vow of silence

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Hard bed," he says.

They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask f...

A man gets tired of the rat race and decides to join a monastery...

...

On his first day the Monsignor tells him, "Brother, to be a monk here you must take a vow of silence that will only allow you to speak two words every 10 years. Do you consent?"

The man agrees and is assigned various duties to perform along with his meditations and such.

Af...

A blonde joins a book club.

She goes along to the first meeting and it's her turn to share what she's been reading this week.

"Well, it took me a while to finish, but this was a brilliant read and I highly recommend it". She pulls out a bookmark and shows it to the group.

One of the members says, "Um... That's no...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy tried to get me to join the movement to ban porn.

I told him I'll give you my porn when you pry it from my warm, lubed hands.

A wallhacker joins a COD game,

he comes a cross this one guy who is pretending to be a soldier. The soldier says "Alright, men. We need to step it up", the wallhacker replies: "I don't see any men here, just a bunch of squares."

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

People who are Dyslexic should join the DNA

The National Dyslexic Association.

Why did the ghost have to join AA?

He had a problem with BOOze

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Being circumcised, I couldn't join a fraternity...

Apparently you have to be complete dick.

James Earl Jones joins the U.S. Naval Academy.

Once there, he takes a Calculus II class notorious for its difficulty. Unlike his classmates, he isn't worried, but that all changes when he gets his first exam grade back.

"37%?! How did I do that badly?!" he asks his teacher, Admiral Smith.

"I suggest you study harder, cadet." he re...

Warning, Do not join any of the new super market dating services, I signed up.

And ended up with a bag for life.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately

To an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the...

50Cent says Trump offered him $500,000 to join presidential campaign

Only Trump would pay $500k for $0.50

Such a deal maker.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three married couples want to join a church

There is a young newlywed couple, middle aged couple, and older couple. They talk to the priest, and he informs them that they have to remain abstinent for 2 months before they can join the church.

They all agree and return 2 months later to talk to the priest.

Priest asks the elderl...

A telecoms engineer joins the army...

On the shooting range the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back "You haven't hit it at all!" The telecoms guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger ...

Mike joins a new school.

After school is over he returns home to his mother.

Mom: So Mike, how was your day today?

Mike: It was great! We learned about explosive materials in our lab today.

Mom: That sounds interesting, so what will you learn in school tomorrow?

Mike: What school?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three couples want to join a church

Three couples want to join a church, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple, and newlyweds. They’re in a meeting with the pastor and he tells them that if they want to join, they need to abstain from sex for 2 weeks to prove their devotion to the church.

Two weeks go by, and the couples mee...

I wouldn’t join the navy.

Seamen everywhere.

Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?

Atmospheric Pressure.

Join Islam and you’ll get seventy virgins in the afterlife

Join Oxfam and you’ll get Haiti.

The International League of Bakers is inviting countries which mainly export baked goods to join.

They're accepting dough nations.

A girl asked me if I wanted to join her in yoga at 6 am

I told her, "namaste in bed".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

WHY PEOPLE HATE SCHOOL RE-UNIONS

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey...