This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn't allowed to join the Trump campaign because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren't even related.

I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every week.

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 17k members! Come see reposts in real time!

https://discord.gg/jokes

If a foreign enemy attacked the United States and killed 180K+ citizens, the whole country, Republicans and Democrats, would most likely join together into defeating it...

Oh wait, never mind.

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

Old McDonald’s son joined the Army

G-I-G-I-Joe

Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests

Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.

I told my ex to join the anti-vax community.

Clearly, he needs to be surrounding by other people who don’t last long.

A typographer joined the military

He was trained in Arial combat

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

My printer just told me it was joining a band

Which makes sense.

It loves to jam.

What do you call a bunch of squid joining the military?

The kalim-army

Did you hear about the guy who joined a blind community?

He was never seen again

I've joined a band called the foreskins

We mostly play cheesy covers

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What did the airline stewardess say to the passenger who whispered in her ear that his last dying wish was to join the mile high club? (NSFW)

"I don't give a flying fuck!"

How did little Timmy know what gang to join?

He went for a Blood test

Don't bother joining the rat race.

Even if you win, you're just a rat...

Join my new national campaign and ban pre-grated cheese.

so we can make Britan grate again

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Mr. Johnson joined a bowling team. "We meet at 8:00 every Saturday morning," said the captain. "Okay," said Mr. Johnson, "but I might be five minutes late for the first game."

That Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a turkey with his right hand. When he left the bowling alley, he said, "Next week, I might be five minutes late."

The next Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a six-pack with his left hand. When he left the bow...

I've just joined a rock band that play the same songs in the same order at every gig.

We're OC/DC

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Sure, joining the Mile High Club is great, but have you ever broken the sound barrier while sounding?

It seems tight at first, but then the cock pit widens.

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the fir...

A man joined the Navy and was stationed on a sub

A man went to the Navy and was stationed on a sub.

This submarine had a system in which service members were stationed at a certain place.

On the third day of his career, he was moved to a different station for work.

On the fourth day, it happened again.

On the fifth day,...

A recruiter asks an octopus if he wants to join the Army

The octopus says no thanks I’m army enough as it is.

Electricians should join the army

They'll make great solders

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew.

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m ...

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

A chemistry professor was taking the first class for a new batch of students who just joined the college.

So, he made all of them stand infront of a table that had a beaker with some liquid in it.

"Observation is very crucial in Chemistry.. the more you observe, the better you can learn", he said as he dipped his left index finger into the beaker containing the liquid.

After 15 seconds, he...

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When I was but a wee boy, I found it funny, so I joined the "I have yet to fuck a goat!" group.

Now I am older, and no longer find it funny, but I dare not leave it.

You know, I thought about joining the Navy SEALs when I was younger.

Then I heard people were clubbing new ones and I wimped out.

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine Corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the Sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flies past him out of cont...

I joined a volunteer group to help stab victims

Didn’t have a sharp knife, so I had my work cut out for me.

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A fat businessman joins a gym... [NSFW]

As he emerges from the shower in the locker room one of the trainers notices him toweling off.

"You must be a new member here", the trainer says. "What caused you to join our gym?"

"Well," says the businessman, "I've been getting out of shape for so long, I realized one day that it's b...

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for a interview to join the Royal marines. As a test, the interviewer says to the Englishman "Here's a gun, your wife is in the next room, I want you to go in and shoot her."

The Englishman is obviously disgusted at the thought, so he gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Next up is the Scotsman. He's told the same and he reacts the same, gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Finally its the irishmans turn. He's offered the gun, to shoot his wife to prove he's ...

A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate

I now live in constant fear

What is the first thing French soldiers learn, when joining the military ?

The phrase "I surrender" in german

I wanted to join the Navy.

But that ship has sailed.



I’ll sea myself out.

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

My father almost joined the Berlin Wall Brigade but couldn't because he broke his arm

That was a lucky break

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard ...

Last year, I joined a support group for procastinators

We haven’t met yet

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So a duck walks into a bar...

So a duck walks into a bar a says, "hey can I get a beer?". Bartender says "holy shit a talking duck"

Duck: look man I've been doing construction all day and I really just want a beer

Bartender: you should join the circus, you'd make a killing

Duck: what the fuck is the circus g...

I wanted to join the National Mens Association

But got rejected because I was born a broad

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

We have passed 10 million subscribers. Thank you very much for joining us.

Sincerely Coronavirus

I recently joined a nudist colony..

The first week was the hardest

3 Irishmen and 3 Englishmen are buying train tickets

The Englishmen all buy a seperate ticket, 3 in total. The Irishmen however buy only one ticket for the three of them.

One of the Englishmen asks: "Won't you guys get thrown off the train?"

"You'll see," say the Irish.

After riding the train for half an hour, the six men see the ...

The wife and I joined opposite ends of a tug of war

It's created a lot of tension between us

What did the Redditor that joined ISIS say?

Edit: Wow, this blew up!

A man joins a very exclusive Nudist Club

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man re...

Dad and Son have a conversation about joining the Navy.

Dad: You wanna join the navy? You can’t even swim!


Son: But then in the Air Force no one can fly either.

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A sinner dies and goes to Hell...

He is greeted by the Devil who says "You've got an eternity of suffering ahead of you to pay for your sins; but I'm in a good mood today, so I'll let you choose your punishment. Come along."

They walk down a path between the pits. In the first pit, sinners are being slowly roasted on a giant ...

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A young boy ran away to the docks and joined a pirate ship to begin his new life as a cabin boy.

He met the captain, which had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. The captain, glad to have another crew member on board immediately put the new cabin boy to work, mostly doing dishes and cleaning and such.

The young boy worked for a month without a single complaint, but the capta...

I applied to join the police but they said I was ineligible

My parents are married

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Mr. and Mrs. Johnson wanted to join a very conservative church.

"When was the last time you had sex?" asked the minister.

"Just this morning," said Mr. Johnson.

"At our church," said the minister, "we do not tolerate it when people have sex more than once every three months. Today is May 1st. Please come back by August 1st. If you have not had sex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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Why did the horny fish join the Peace Corps?

He wanted to build some schools.

I played bass on the original Scooby Doo theme song in 1969, then joined Metallica. AMA!

Fine, I didn’t actually play the bass on the Scooby Doo theme song, or in any band, but I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you metaling kids!

Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces

And are now fed-up

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

I'm inviting everyone reading this, to join me in a session to think about Stephen King's iconic shape-shifting clown.

Come to think of it.

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme...

Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have have two dollars AT LEAST. And the guy above me? He’s got tons of dollars.

What is the criteria to join a nightclub for ghosts?

No body is allowed in

So I joined a wrestling league

I joined an underground wrestling league, and spent the whole week before the first meeting preparing; getting in shape, practising moves from the internet, etc.

When I got there, I was very surprised to discover that although a bout was going on in the middle of the room, it wasn't between t...

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

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[OC] A sketchy looking guy asks a stripper if she'll join him on a spiritual quest in the Las Vegas desert.

She knows she would be dumb to accept the invitation, but she asks her manager for advice first just in case. His response is simple:


"There are no stupid quest shuns; only stupid dancers."

So, two hot girls asked me to join them for a threesome

No thanks, if i want to disappoint two people at the same time i will just talk to my parents

Two hobos...

were walking down a set of railroad tracks one hot afternoon when they walk up on a dead animal. The first hobo says " alright! something to eat, I haven't eaten in days. Are you going to join me? There is plenty to go around" the second hobo politely declines.

After the first hobo has his f...

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A monk joins a monastery...

...and he’s only allowed to say two words every ten years

After the first decade, he goes to the father to say his two words

Monk: “bed hard”

Father: “okay, I’ll make some changes”

Another decade goes by and the monk sees the father

Monk: “food bad”

Father: ...

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

It seems I’ve joined a church run by the Thieves’ Guild.

We’ve been reading the Bribe-al.

The most NSFW one-liner.

You wanna join a union?

I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite

I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.

I joined a naked wolf hunting group.

But it turns out only the wolf is naked.

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A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

Might have to join a gang to survive this

I didn't realize staying at home in self isolation with my kids was going to be this tough.

The military was trying to ban transpeople from joining..

..which I find wasteful considering a portion of them are x-men.

I have joined reddit on april 1st

so I guess you can say

I'm the joke.

Turkey can now finally join the EU

Why? Well because now that the UK has left, there's 1 GB of free space

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

A strapping young man joins the sheep camp, but soon feels an ache in his loins.

Being up in the mountains, far from the nearest brothel, he asks the other shepherds what they do. They all say, "pick a sheep and have yer fun!" Turning beet red, he's sure they're messing with him, so he decides to wait.

A couple weeks later, he's really desperate, so he asks again. Again, ...

Looking to join a Heavy Metal band...

...I play the lead guitar.

College would cost me an arm and a leg...

But I joined the U.S. Military, so it only costed me an arm and a leg!

It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. ...

I started a Facebook group for people who love bicycling

But apparently nobody wants to join the Pedalphiles.

A bass player dies and goes to hell

when he gets there, he’s surprised to find Keith Moon immediately greeting him.

“Hey man, you’ve gotta join our band. We’ve got Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughn on guitar, and Im on drums”

the bassist looks confused and says “wait, this is hell right? that sounds awesome!”

“we...

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

" The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?...

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Back in the U.S.S.R.

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the member...

So I decided to join the space force today...

I immediately got promoted because I have apparently been a space cadet for most of my life.

Why was the tiny ghost asked to join the football team?

They needed a little team spirit.

A poor South Korean man decided to join the military

He really did not want to join the military because he knew his wife was a loose woman, but he had no other choice.

After his posting of 6 months at the North Korean border, he comes back to his house only to see his wife ditch him for another man.

Really upset about the fact that serv...

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What's one reason you should not join the Nazi party?

It is just nazi reich thing to do! ^^^^Also, ^^^^fuck ^^^^nazis

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A man tries to join the Big Dick Club...

He goes to the front desk and they ask him how big his dick is. "15 inches." He replies with a proud grin. But the guy at the desk just laughs. Everyone in the room just laughs at this poor guy. He sulks. Ashamed, he heads toward the door, but a janitor stops him. "Hey, don't feel bad. They deny a l...

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers.

When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it.

When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it.

When they got to the t...

I don't see how deaf people dont join gangs.

They'd be good at the gang signs

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

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3 nuns die and go to heavens gate

3 nuns died and went to Heavens Gate. St. Peter comes out and says "before you can enter the gates of heaven you must answer me this one question".
"What part of your body last touch a man's genitals?"

The first nun steps up and says, "Well, I used to work in an orphanage with babies and ...

Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join...

She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

What part of the army do babies join?

The infantry.

"Sorry Moses, but you can't join Greenpeace..."

"...We're a non-prophet organization."

Google Plus was the gym of social networking

We all joined but no one ever used it

A man joins the navy...

As he’s being shown around, the commanding officer tells him that from now on he’ll work in laundry. Thirty minutes later the commanding officer came back and took the recruit to the boiler room, telling him he’ll work there. After another thirty minutes the officer comes back and tells the recruit ...

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A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

Two young, slightly speech-impaired brothers decide to join a class that will teach them fencing.

After a good while in the class, these brothers were exceptional when it came to their offense. However, they noticed their instructor avoided all non-combative techniques.

One of the brothers, Phineas, decided he would confront the instructor on this issue. However, due to the previously men...

A young monk joins a monastery

After 2 weeks or so, he starts craving for a fap session and confesses about it to the head monk, thinking he would help him through a rough patch.
The head monk looks left and right and says carefully: "follow me"
He then proceeds to take him to the library, pulls a few books and a secret ent...

Nursing Home Police

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up
to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her, and some of the male...

I think one of the the club leaders at my school is blackmailing me

They told me I would be great in their club, I didn’t even know what it was so I said no. They then told me “Come on, I’ve seen you mass debating all over the school, are you sure you don’t want to join? I am now in a club, if anyone knows how to get me out of this situation help.

The monk at the monastery

There was a man who joined a silent order monastery as a monk. Vow of silence. He was permitted 2 words every 10 years. So for 10 years, he meditated, prayed, painted, cleaned. After 10 years, he stands before the head monk to utter his 2 words:

"Rooms Cold"

He returns to his life of m...

If you ask my son why he joined the Army he will proudly tell you he joined to military to kill people.

He's a terrible doctor.

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The Tale of the Animal Band

So there was this horse, and recently he had gone through some tough times. His wife left him, he lost his job, and rent day was coming ever closer. This is when he had a brainwave: He was going to get his childhood band back together. So the first member to convince was the cow. Now the cow was pre...

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What is it called when Australia join in during ww3?

A firefight

(All jokes aside go donate to help Australia what's going on is fucking terrible)

What happened when the flu joined instagram?

She became an influenza!

I paid good money and joined a gym 6 months ago, and so far no results.

Tomorrow I am going down there personally to see what the hell is going on......

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are reading a script at lunch...

It's for Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism. Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun."

"Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'...

Who else hates labels?

If you do, consider joining our group. We call ourselves antilabelists.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two race horses are talking after a big race.

One horse says to the other,” Man, when I was running I started to feel a sharp pain in my backside and it made me start running way faster for some reason.”

The other horse replies,” The same exact thing happens to me too, man. I’ll be running and I get a stinging sensation on my ass and I s...

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