I joined a religion where flatbread tells us about god.

Its a naan prophet organization.


I have no idea why this was the first thing my brain did when I woke up this morning.

How easy is it to tell a joke 1 year after joining Reddit?

A piece of cake.

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?""No," replied the trainee."It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"T...

My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people.

He's a terrible nurse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn't allowed to join the Trump campaign because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Joins A Monastery, And Takes A Vow Of Silence, Only Allowed To Say Two Words Every Christmas

Every day, they grow their own food and maintain the monastery, all while silently praying.

On the first Christmas, he goes to the abbot and says, "Food's cold." The abbot nods and blesses him.

On the second Christmas, he tells the abbot, "Work's hard." The abbot nods and blesses him....

Trump Supporters are demanding to join the LGBTQ+ community.

They say they identify as Non-Bidenary

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No one wanted to join me on the difficult mountain trail.

They all said it was a hard pass.

I can't decide whether to join the bard's college or the thieves' guild...

I guess I'll just have to weigh the prose and cons. :)

What do you have to do to get Germans to join a war?

You don't have to do anything, they're already at the front.

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 17k members! Come see reposts in real time!

https://discord.gg/jokes

My friend Will joined the army.

He's very uncomfortable with the phrase


"Fire at will"

A man learns that he has a Terminal Illness, and decides to go back to school to pursue his lifelong dream of being a Comedian, and joins a Comedy School.

He earned his Degree Post Humorously.

Do you really enjoy joining pieces of sheet metal together all day long?

Yes, it's riveting.

An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment

They are wanted for dessertion

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress

I’m going there in-person to see what’s going on

I joined a club...

It's called Fight Club. I was a little late to the first meeting so I missed the introductory rules, but I highly recommend it for everyone and would love to discuss it with anyone who's interested.

How many successful jumps do you need to do to join the parachute club?

All of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man decided to join the army

During his first day of weapons training, a Platoon Sergeant chose him to be an example of the platoon.

Sergeant: "Alright private, what's your name?"
Private: "Jackson Parts, sir!"
Sergeant: "Okay private Parts! Show us what you got!"

The whole platoon laughed for a while, but s...

Join in on a Pun Thread

Hello Pun enthusiasts,

Comment a subject and let fellow redditors make puns about that subject

I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren't even related.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The founders of Tesla and Microsoft have joined forces to create their new brand of Viagra...

Elon Gates.

I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every week.

Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests

Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.

If a foreign enemy attacked the United States and killed 180K+ citizens, the whole country, Republicans and Democrats, would most likely join together into defeating it...

Oh wait, never mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decided to join a biker gang to see what it was like...

After talking with the club president, a burly tough-looking guy, she was told that she was going to be asked some questions that would be used to decide if she qualified. She had never done anything illegal and had no idea what they expected, so she decided to put on her best bad girl act to impres...

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

A typographer joined the military

He was trained in Arial combat

I told my ex to join the anti-vax community.

Clearly, he needs to be surrounding by other people who don’t last long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex & Good Grammar NSFW

**On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.** **The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who** **was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medic...

I joined an emotional support group for people without pets...

But they kicked me out for talking about my felines.

Netflix and Disney should just join forces to create the most controversial movie ever: a young girl becomes infatuated with makeup and skimpy outfits, but first she must save China from the threat of the Uighur.

Call it *Mulan Rouge*

Danny joined the French Foreign Legion to forget a girl.

Unfortunately, the girl he was trying to forget was Sandy.

A group of robed people stopped me whilst I was shopping the other day and were really persistently trying to convince me to join the fight for good bacteria, eventually I got really sick of them, looked em in the eyes and said.. .

I'm not interested in Yakult

I've joined a band called the foreskins

We mostly play cheesy covers

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Johnson joined a bowling team. "We meet at 8:00 every Saturday morning," said the captain. "Okay," said Mr. Johnson, "but I might be five minutes late for the first game."

That Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a turkey with his right hand. When he left the bowling alley, he said, "Next week, I might be five minutes late."

The next Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a six-pack with his left hand. When he left the bow...

My printer just told me it was joining a band

Which makes sense.

It loves to jam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the airline stewardess say to the passenger who whispered in her ear that his last dying wish was to join the mile high club? (NSFW)

"I don't give a flying fuck!"

Don't bother joining the rat race.

Even if you win, you're just a rat...

How did little Timmy know what gang to join?

He went for a Blood test

A recruiter asks an octopus if he wants to join the Army

The octopus says no thanks I’m army enough as it is.

What do you call a bunch of squid joining the military?

The kalim-army

Did you hear about the guy who joined a blind community?

He was never seen again

A man joined the Navy and was stationed on a sub

A man went to the Navy and was stationed on a sub.

This submarine had a system in which service members were stationed at a certain place.

On the third day of his career, he was moved to a different station for work.

On the fourth day, it happened again.

On the fifth day,...

The village of idiots.

There is a village of idiots. Every month the village gathers in the town square, where 3 people from the neighboring town each bring in an object so,the town's folk can guess what it is. It's great fun for the whole town women, men, young and old alike join the festivities. The first person walks t...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate

I now live in constant fear

Join my new national campaign and ban pre-grated cheese.

so we can make Britan grate again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kim Jong Un was sitting in his office wondering whom to irritate next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Kim!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Kim replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said ...

A US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. “What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend et...

I recently joined a nudist colony..

The first week was the hardest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sure, joining the Mile High Club is great, but have you ever broken the sound barrier while sounding?

It seems tight at first, but then the cock pit widens.

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew.

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m ...

Electricians should join the army

They'll make great solders

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the fir...

I've just joined a rock band that play the same songs in the same order at every gig.

We're OC/DC

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fat businessman joins a gym... [NSFW]

As he emerges from the shower in the locker room one of the trainers notices him toweling off.

"You must be a new member here", the trainer says. "What caused you to join our gym?"

"Well," says the businessman, "I've been getting out of shape for so long, I realized one day that it's b...

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

A chemistry professor was taking the first class for a new batch of students who just joined the college.

So, he made all of them stand infront of a table that had a beaker with some liquid in it.

"Observation is very crucial in Chemistry.. the more you observe, the better you can learn", he said as he dipped his left index finger into the beaker containing the liquid.

After 15 seconds, he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man decides to join the US Marine Corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the Sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flies past him out of cont...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was but a wee boy, I found it funny, so I joined the "I have yet to fuck a goat!" group.

Now I am older, and no longer find it funny, but I dare not leave it.

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for a interview to join the Royal marines. As a test, the interviewer says to the Englishman "Here's a gun, your wife is in the next room, I want you to go in and shoot her."

The Englishman is obviously disgusted at the thought, so he gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Next up is the Scotsman. He's told the same and he reacts the same, gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Finally its the irishmans turn. He's offered the gun, to shoot his wife to prove he's ...

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.

Her daughter immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, afte...

You know, I thought about joining the Navy SEALs when I was younger.

Then I heard people were clubbing new ones and I wimped out.

I wanted to join the Navy.

But that ship has sailed.



I’ll sea myself out.

What is the first thing French soldiers learn, when joining the military ?

The phrase "I surrender" in german

I joined a volunteer group to help stab victims

Didn’t have a sharp knife, so I had my work cut out for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wrote this one a few years ago

A priest, Father John Mclanahan is walking down the street when he bumps into an old friend, Rabbi John Goldman. They haven’t seen each other since college. They happen to be heading to the same part of town, so they decide to walk together and catch up on old times. They reminisce about their frien...

A golfer is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole...

...when a second golfer approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.


Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a ...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Donald Went Down to Georgia

The Donald went down to Georgia.

He was lookin' for a vote to steal.

He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind.

He was willing to make a deal

When he came across this old man givin' a speech and doin' it hot.

And the Donald jumped upon a hickory stump and said "Man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They need the money.

Two poor friends can't get jobs during the pandemic. They got fired from a lumber yard during layoffs. They decide they should join the armed forces. The Air Force pays the most so the both go to the recruiting office the next day. The first guy goes in and the recruiter asks him what his former job...

Helicopter ride

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter, flight for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Friday on Dec 25th morning from Kochi and will fly to Kavarathi (Lakshadweep), where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then we’ll do a flight to...

Last year, I joined a support group for procastinators

We haven’t met yet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trio of golfers are waiting for their fourth at the course one morning, when he calls and tells them he can't come.

Turns out his pregnant wife has been put on bed rest effective immediately, and he will have to be around her 24/7 until the baby is born in two months. The other three wish him and his wife well, then discuss whether or not to play without him, when an attractive woman in her mid-30s, carrying a b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man joins a soccer team.

His new teammates inform him,

"At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex.


" The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.


When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends are sitting in a coffee shop.

One glances up and sees an Asian man sitting at a table nearby and says to his buddy, "I reckon that's a Japanese man over there. With his business suit and laptop."

"Hmmm, I think they're Chinese. His ponytail and long mustache gives it away." Replied his friend.

Luckily a third frien...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a hotel restaurant this weekend, I noticed an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket.

It hurls by me, and I snatch it from the air and hand it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

My father almost joined the Berlin Wall Brigade but couldn't because he broke his arm

That was a lucky break

IRL Accidental joke story

IDK where to post this but I figured I'd make some people chuckle before it gets taken down. But if someone in comments could point out a subreddit for funny stories, thanks that'd be awesome.

Was working on a neighbors overhang/pergola and roof (damages, old house). His 4 year old kid was as...

I wanted to join the National Mens Association

But got rejected because I was born a broad

What did the Redditor that joined ISIS say?

Edit: Wow, this blew up!

Jesus crucified on the cross yelled out Peter's name

Peter! Peter! Peter!

Peter wasn't allowed to go near the cross by the soldiers, so with great difficulty he fought them all off.

With tears in his eyes eventually he reached the cross and joined both his hands,
"What is it my lord?"

"Peter, i can see the roof of your house."

I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite

I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.

We have passed 10 million subscribers. Thank you very much for joining us.

Sincerely Coronavirus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

Dad and Son have a conversation about joining the Navy.

Dad: You wanna join the navy? You can’t even swim!


Son: But then in the Air Force no one can fly either.

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme...

Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have have two dollars AT LEAST. And the guy above me? He’s got tons of dollars.

King Charles the First gets beheaded

By some miracle, he's still alive and can put his head back on. He runs off to his house as quickly as possible before he is caught. When he arrives home, he sees his wife, in which he explains what had just happened. His wife says, "We should celebrate this miracle! Perhaps you can join me in the b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy ran away to the docks and joined a pirate ship to begin his new life as a cabin boy.

He met the captain, which had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. The captain, glad to have another crew member on board immediately put the new cabin boy to work, mostly doing dishes and cleaning and such.

The young boy worked for a month without a single complaint, but the capta...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin

& orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you ...

Celebs at the Pearly Gates

Queen Elizabeth II and Dolly Parton are standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter approaches and greets them.

He says "Greetings! It's not often that we have such women of notoriety join us at the same time! However we're swamped today and can only let one of you through, so you're going to...

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl

She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A American businessman takes a trip to Japan

An American businessman travels to Japan for a very important business meeting that will make or break his career. He realizes that sealing the deal for their business will not happen in the board room and so he agrees to join them afterwards for a night out on the town.

After a night of dri...

I just joined a band called 1023 Megabytes.

We haven't gotten a gig yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a duck walks into a bar...

So a duck walks into a bar a says, "hey can I get a beer?". Bartender says "holy shit a talking duck"

Duck: look man I've been doing construction all day and I really just want a beer

Bartender: you should join the circus, you'd make a killing

Duck: what the fuck is the circus g...

A doctor received a call from his colleague.

"We need a fourth to join us for a game of golf," said his friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting his pants on, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," he answered gravely. "In fact, they are three doctors there already."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson wanted to join a very conservative church.

"When was the last time you had sex?" asked the minister.

"Just this morning," said Mr. Johnson.

"At our church," said the minister, "we do not tolerate it when people have sex more than once every three months. Today is May 1st. Please come back by August 1st. If you have not had sex...

3 Irishmen and 3 Englishmen are buying train tickets

The Englishmen all buy a seperate ticket, 3 in total. The Irishmen however buy only one ticket for the three of them.

One of the Englishmen asks: "Won't you guys get thrown off the train?"

"You'll see," say the Irish.

After riding the train for half an hour, the six men see the ...

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard ...

A new general was allotted to a new army base

After some time in the base he realised how there were two army men guarding an empty bench all the time. He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about. A colleague said “I don’t know but it’s been happening since I joined 35 years ago.” The general confused as he was went through th...

I applied to join the police but they said I was ineligible

My parents are married

Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces

And are now fed-up

I played bass on the original Scooby Doo theme song in 1969, then joined Metallica. AMA!

Fine, I didn’t actually play the bass on the Scooby Doo theme song, or in any band, but I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you metaling kids!

So, two hot girls asked me to join them for a threesome

No thanks, if i want to disappoint two people at the same time i will just talk to my parents

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers.

When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it.

When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it.

When they got to the t...

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join...

She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

Pregnant wife says to husband that she has a weird craving for snails (to eat)

Being the loving husband he is, he tells her that he’ll walk down to the shop and buy her some. He gets to the store and buys a glass jar of snails that he will cook when he gets home.

As he walks out of the shop he bumps into a very old friend that he hasnt seen in ages. They catch up and t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the horny fish join the Peace Corps?

He wanted to build some schools.

What is the criteria to join a nightclub for ghosts?

No body is allowed in

I'm inviting everyone reading this, to join me in a session to think about Stephen King's iconic shape-shifting clown.

Come to think of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sinner dies and goes to Hell...

He is greeted by the Devil who says "You've got an eternity of suffering ahead of you to pay for your sins; but I'm in a good mood today, so I'll let you choose your punishment. Come along."

They walk down a path between the pits. In the first pit, sinners are being slowly roasted on a giant ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A celebate man was about to get married...

He had been "saving himself" for marriage, and had never watched pornography or had any remotely sexual encounters. He was incredibly nervous about being able to perform on his wedding night, and went to his best man to talk about it.

His best man tried to give him a pep talk, but ultimately...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.