A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

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I told my wife that I was going to stop running around my local roads and join a gym instead.

“Why?” she asked. “You’re in much better shape than you were before, and it hasn’t cost a cent!”

“Yes” I replied, “But I’m tired of having to outrun that fucking coyote.”

If you can’t beat em join em

I lost my whisk, so I jumped into the bowl with the eggs!

I joined a math contest the other day

And against all odds,



I was severely outnumbered

A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening. They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.

EDIT; Thank you for all the awards, I guess I pasta test!

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

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How easy is it to join the piss kink club?

Just show up and urine

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Two marines played a mean prank on an army soldier: after boarding a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston, they decided to put their plan into action... one sat in the window seat, and the other sat in the middle seat waiting for their buddy to join them, and pretty soon he did...

Just before take-off, an army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two marines. The soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the soldier, "I'll get it for ...

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the new reality tv show called “Embarrassing Bodies”.

Three, to be exact.

I was going to join the debating team

but somebody talked me out of it.

I joined the neighborhood watch program last night...

There’s 7 of us, so I get to wear it 1 day a week.

Which part of the army do the child soldiers join?

The infantry

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In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: “what God has joined let no man put asunder.” The groom interrupted: “what’s asunder?”

The preacher said “apart.” The farmer said “a part of what?” “Apart from your wife” said the now frustrated minister. The groom said “shit! I already got a part from her.”

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A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew.

A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew. He goes to the Captain's quarters and meets the Pirate Captain. He's a grizzled man with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch.

Swabbie: Ahoy Captain, it's looks like you've had quite the history.

Cpt: Aye, I've been sailing these seven seas sinc...

An electrical current joins the air force

He was too afraid to fly over enemy ohmland because he was worried he'd be grounded.

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I realize I've put on some weight, so I joined an aerobics class.

When I got there I jumped and gyrated and bent and twisted. But by the time I got my gym shorts on the hour was over.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?

” He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

The Easter Bunny joined the Olympics

He heard first place gets 24 carrots.

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Breaking News: Elon Musk & Bill Gates have joined hands

to make a Penis Enhancer.....They will call it
ELONGATES

2 men discussing why they joined the army....

"I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.

The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace."

I applied to join an LGBT comedy group, but I got rejected.

I guess their routine doesn't need a Straight-Man after all.

Just joined a dating group for arsonists....

Got a match straight away.

Me: Would you like to join us for some beers after work?

Coworker: No, my Faith doesn’t allow that.

Me: Oh sorry, are you a Christian?

Coworker: Yes, but Faith is my wife’s name.

Did you hear about the bird that joined a reggae band?

'e was flappin' de bass mon

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I wasn't allowed to join the Trump campaign because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

Erectile Dysfunction

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with an traditional healer, who was well known to have a very good naturopathic cure for erectile dysfunction!

As he despised western medicine, believing the conspiracy theo...

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his ...

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Hello! Mr. Hussein?

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam...

I joined a religion where flatbread tells us about god.

Its a naan prophet organization.


I have no idea why this was the first thing my brain did when I woke up this morning.

I joined a debate club today, when I arrived everyone was pleasuring themselves

They were mass debating.

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How easy is it to tell a joke 1 year after joining Reddit?

A piece of cake.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

For the geeks

An SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says ‘Can i join you?’

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people.

He's a terrible nurse.

What do you call a college student who joined the paratroopers to pay off his student loans?

Debt from above.

Why did the necrophiliac join the navy?

So he could enter the marine corps.

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?""No," replied the trainee."It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"T...

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

Recently joined a Styx cover band

We play the same songs, but heavier. We’re called Logz.

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A Man Joins A Monastery, And Takes A Vow Of Silence, Only Allowed To Say Two Words Every Christmas

Every day, they grow their own food and maintain the monastery, all while silently praying.

On the first Christmas, he goes to the abbot and says, "Food's cold." The abbot nods and blesses him.

On the second Christmas, he tells the abbot, "Work's hard." The abbot nods and blesses him....

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A young monk joins a monastery.

The an older monk shows him around, as they visit the Library he says.

"We have a vast collection of books, if we don't have it here, it can be delivered within a day. You can use the library every day, except on Thursday."

Next they go to the kitchen.
"We have a world renowned chef...

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[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.

'Dear Dad,

Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'

Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.

'Dear son ,

I just transferred $200 mi...

I'm thinking of joining a gym.

I'm keeping mentally active.

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An old paratrooper joke

the original one (at least the one that I know) is in Hebrew.
The son is joining the army and his father wants him to become a paratrooper just like he did.

He is not in fit and he is afraid of heights, but his father told him that if he won't become one, he won't be allowed to enter his...

Once upon a time, there was a pirate who never lost a battle...

He was so courageous. His strategy was simple, lead by example, as long as he was at the front of the battle his crew were motivated.

But he had a trick up his sleeve. A new crew member joins this pirate to study him as he is so fascinated by his victories.

First battle comes along, hi...

I joined the local gym’s swim class

Only to find out that breast stroke was not what I thought it would be.

I once had an offer to join a secret club, where anyone who asked questions would be permanently banned.

I said, "Sure, why not?"

I can't decide whether to join the bard's college or the thieves' guild...

I guess I'll just have to weigh the prose and cons. :)

Trump Supporters are demanding to join the LGBTQ+ community.

They say they identify as Non-Bidenary

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat.

He says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please?" The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!" The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"

Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests

Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.

I went to join a health club today and saw a sign on its door that said ‘Look better in 10 days or your money back.’ I then wrote out a check and handed it over to the girl at the front desk.

The girl looked at me and said, “Keep it. We’re gonna mail it back to you anyways.”

An atheist decides he was to be Jewish...

An atheist is inspired by the Jewish philosophy and approach to religion, how it's built around questioning and responding with more and deeper questions. He's not sold on the God stuff, but decides he can look past that if it means getting to engage with a thoughtful, inquisitive community.

...

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress

I’m going there in-person to see what’s going on

Why’d the Jedi get charged with police brutality shortly after joining the police academy?

He used excessive force

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

A musician starts talking to a couple of girls in a bar.

Much to his surprise they turn out to be Siamese twins, joined at the hip. One thing leads to another and the girls wind up back at the man's apartment. They have more drinks and the man eventually talks the twins into bed. He makes love to one girl, then starts to make love to the other. The first ...

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No one wanted to join me on the difficult mountain trail.

They all said it was a hard pass.

Oh, you’re dyslexic? You should join the DNS

The national dyslexia society!

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought o...

What do you have to do to get Germans to join a war?

You don't have to do anything, they're already at the front.

It’s 10pm when the phone rings in Dr. Stein’s house.

"It’s Dr. Gold," says his wife, passing him the phone, "I do hope it’s not another emergency."

Dr. Stein takes the phone and says, "Hi, what’s up?"

"Don’t worry, everything’s OK," replies Dr. Gold. "It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a little game...

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I asked a stewardess if she wanted to help me join the mile high club...

She informed me she didn't give a flying fuck.

Joining two words together is called a portmanteau. If one of the words is a celebrity's name, however...

it's a Natalie Portmanteau.

Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers.

But his aunt May.

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Who's the toughest

A group of old men were sitting at the local VFW, downing beers and trading war stories.

They were joined by another old man, who was new to their club, so they took their turns trying to prove who was the toughest.

First the Navy guy stood up: "I was on the USS Indianapolis, when it g...

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Mr. & Mrs. Johnson live on a farm by themselves. One day, an Alien spaceship lands in front of their house.

As the Johnsons go to investigate, the ship’s doors open and two aliens that look similar to humans walk out. Speaking perfect English, the aliens make a proposition to the Johnsons to trade partners for the night to understand human sexual behavior. The Johnsons, curious of what the experience woul...

Finally broke down and joined Christian Mingle.

My user name is: “CumGetPsalmOfThisDick” if you’re looking for a good time.

If an acquaintance asks if you’d like to join them for the afternoon picking oval, reddish-yellow fruit...

...it’s a date.

I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every week.

I recently joined a nudist colony..

The first week was the hardest

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My british friend tried joining the ultimate frisbee team....

but he didn't get along with anyone cause he thought they were all tossers.

Join in on a Pun Thread

Hello Pun enthusiasts,

Comment a subject and let fellow redditors make puns about that subject

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

Fellow bad speller and dyslexic let's join forces:

Bad Spellers Untied!

Pantera

If Dimebag Darrell joined a bank as an employee, he'd break a lot of records cos his processing time is 5 minutes a looooooooooooooooan

\m/

If a foreign enemy attacked the United States and killed 180K+ citizens, the whole country, Republicans and Democrats, would most likely join together into defeating it...

Oh wait, never mind.

My friend Will joined the army.

He's very uncomfortable with the phrase


"Fire at will"

Just a Little too Much, I'd say....

An iguana is walking through the jungle and stops when he smells weed being smoked. He looks up and sees a monkey smoking a joint. Iguana says, "Hey monkey can I join you? I'm having a bad day."

Monkey tells him yes and he climbed up and joined the monkey. Halfway through the monkey asks the...

A man gets sent to prison and is placed in a cell with two elderly inmates, Bob and Larry.

After a few weeks of listening to his cell mates talking, he learns that they've told eachothers jokes so many times that they've numbered them, Larry would say "47", and Bob would laugh hysterically, then Bob would say "89" and Larry would have a chuckle. The new cell mate, wanting to befriend his ...

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

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Speed demon Grandma

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually join...

A dog in a hard hat walks into a bar

The dog says "I'll have a beer. I'm on lunch break from the construction site across the street."

The bartender says "Wow, a talking dog! You should join the circus!"

The dog replies "Why? Do they need construction workers?"

I couldn't join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn't pure enough

Turns out, my parents weren't even related.

I joined a club...

It's called Fight Club. I was a little late to the first meeting so I missed the introductory rules, but I highly recommend it for everyone and would love to discuss it with anyone who's interested.

How many successful jumps do you need to do to join the parachute club?

All of them.

Do you really enjoy joining pieces of sheet metal together all day long?

Yes, it's riveting.

I’m not saying my wife is tight fisted with money..

But I had to join her only fans to see her naked .

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A man decided to join the army

During his first day of weapons training, a Platoon Sergeant chose him to be an example of the platoon.

Sergeant: "Alright private, what's your name?"
Private: "Jackson Parts, sir!"
Sergeant: "Okay private Parts! Show us what you got!"

The whole platoon laughed for a while, but s...

An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment

They are wanted for dessertion

A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate

I now live in constant fear

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A bodybuilder takes public transport to work..

Bus conductor ask him to buy a ticket

Bodybuilder "I never buy ticket!"

Bus conductor was a thin fella so he couldn't argue much with him.

Next day Bodybuilder again takes the same Bus to work.

Same story he again denies to buy the ticket.

Conductor was very frust...

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The founders of Tesla and Microsoft have joined forces to create their new brand of Viagra...

Elon Gates.

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Things I've learned from video games

My mother has been fucked to death many times.

I'm really a cigarette in disguise.

I'm also actually of African descent, my father will be very upset to find that one out. Though my real father is probably one of those random people who fucked her to death.

A lot of people are m...

A priest, a lawyer, and an engineer, were each sentenced to death by guillotine.

The priest went first, and he says "Please. Allow me to lie facing up, so that I might face towards God as I am about to join him."

The guards allow it, and place his head through the slot.

The guard pulls the lever and the blade comes down but stops just inches short of the priest's h...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

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A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

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A woman decided to join a biker gang to see what it was like...

After talking with the club president, a burly tough-looking guy, she was told that she was going to be asked some questions that would be used to decide if she qualified. She had never done anything illegal and had no idea what they expected, so she decided to put on her best bad girl act to impres...

While walking his new dog through the park, a man throws a stick in the pond. He is utterly amazed to see his dog walk across the surface of the water and fetch the stick.

He calls a friend to immediately come and see his new dog. After his friend joins him in the park he says: "Watch this!" and he throws the stick in the pond. And lo and behold, the dog walks across the surface again.
His friend looks on with wide eyes and says: "That's insane, your dog can't swim...

A typographer joined the military

He was trained in Arial combat

I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite

I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.

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A man driving down the road sees a sign in front of a house that says “$5 for talking dog”

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to th...

I've joined a band called the foreskins

We mostly play cheesy covers

Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join...

She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

Did you hear about the racist chemist?

He joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

I told my ex to join the anti-vax community.

Clearly, he needs to be surrounding by other people who don’t last long.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

A recruiter asks an octopus if he wants to join the Army

The octopus says no thanks I’m army enough as it is.

I wrote this joke about a joke shop

A man sees a Joke Shop. He goes in.

There are three lines.

He joins one and slowly moves up the queue.

He sees all three lines head towards a big sign that says: "The End of the Joke"

He sees the guy at the end of the first line get given a tonne of cash and he runs out l...

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers.

When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it.

When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it.

When they got to the t...

How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

So there was a huge line of animals, waiting for a store to open.

They were all waiting patiently, until the rabbit came. This rabbit was very impatient and wanted to join the store first.

So he tried sneaking under everyone. Although that didn't work because the lion, found him and furiously said "HEY! No cheating!" and punched the rabbit so hard that he f...

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Mr. Johnson joined a bowling team. "We meet at 8:00 every Saturday morning," said the captain. "Okay," said Mr. Johnson, "but I might be five minutes late for the first game."

That Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a turkey with his right hand. When he left the bowling alley, he said, "Next week, I might be five minutes late."

The next Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a six-pack with his left hand. When he left the bow...

I joined an emotional support group for people without pets...

But they kicked me out for talking about my felines.

Three men go walking their dogs to go to the bar

Three men walking their dogs together walk to a bar that has a big sign saying "no dogs allowed"

The first man says "I'll have a drink" and walks in and when the bouncer points to the sign the man sticks his arm out straight and says "it's a seeing eye dog" and gets in

The second man,...

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

A man joined the Navy and was stationed on a sub

A man went to the Navy and was stationed on a sub.

This submarine had a system in which service members were stationed at a certain place.

On the third day of his career, he was moved to a different station for work.

On the fourth day, it happened again.

On the fifth day,...

Netflix and Disney should just join forces to create the most controversial movie ever: a young girl becomes infatuated with makeup and skimpy outfits, but first she must save China from the threat of the Uighur.

Call it *Mulan Rouge*

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

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A fat businessman joins a gym... [NSFW]

As he emerges from the shower in the locker room one of the trainers notices him toweling off.

"You must be a new member here", the trainer says. "What caused you to join our gym?"

"Well," says the businessman, "I've been getting out of shape for so long, I realized one day that it's b...

So a rabbit is enjoying some earl grey in his garden when his friend arrives.

His friend says, "Please come back to us."

The rabbit, formerly Jewish, says, "No, sorry, I don't believe anymore."

His friend grabs him by one arm and tugs, saying, "Come with me, come on! You have to join us down at the synagogue! You used to lead us and we miss you!"

Almost d...

Danny joined the French Foreign Legion to forget a girl.

Unfortunately, the girl he was trying to forget was Sandy.

A Scotsman was competing in the highland games...

Carothers had a few pints after the caber toss and wanted to take a nap before all the dancing started. So he headed out to the woods and found a nice meadow to take a wee snooze.

Two young and beautiful lasses were picking flowers in the meadow when they stumbled upon him. Being curious on...

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew.

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. Proceeds to the bar, and asks the bartender if he can sit and have a few beers as his monkey joins him.

It’s slow, so the bartender says “sure.”

After a few drinks, the guy asks the bartender if he would keep an eye on his monkey while he uses the...

How did little Timmy know what gang to join?

He went for a Blood test

A group of robed people stopped me whilst I was shopping the other day and were really persistently trying to convince me to join the fight for good bacteria, eventually I got really sick of them, looked em in the eyes and said.. .

I'm not interested in Yakult

Electricians should join the army

They'll make great solders

I wanted to join the Navy.

But that ship has sailed.



I’ll sea myself out.

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for a interview to join the Royal marines. As a test, the interviewer says to the Englishman "Here's a gun, your wife is in the next room, I want you to go in and shoot her."

The Englishman is obviously disgusted at the thought, so he gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Next up is the Scotsman. He's told the same and he reacts the same, gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Finally its the irishmans turn. He's offered the gun, to shoot his wife to prove he's ...

Don't bother joining the rat race.

Even if you win, you're just a rat...

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme...

Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have have two dollars AT LEAST. And the guy above me? He’s got tons of dollars.

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