Why didn’t aliens visit our Solar system yet?

Because they saw the reviews and it only had one star.

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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

Three KGB inspectors decide visit a Siberian prison

They decide to check on three young prisioners who started working recently but were put in prison, and ask them some questions.

The first inspector asks the first prisoner:"How did you get in here?

He answers:"For the past week my clock would wake me up early so I came into work early...

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

Little girl at the hospital: "Nurse, you've been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?"

Nurse: "Nah, graveyards give me the creeps"

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

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First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

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A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor.

The counselor asks the wife, “What's the problem?”

She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

The husband replies, “Well not exactly; it’s her that suffers, not me.”

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A woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about it.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. You see, I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"...

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".



"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".



"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

I went to visit a psychic,

I knocked on her front door and she yelled

“Who is it”?

So I left

What if the real reason aliens don't visit us is because...

...we're a one star planet?

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An anthropologist visits a local translator in Zimbabwe.

"I'd like to set up a meeting with the nearby Xhosa tribe," he says. "But I haven't had any luck finding them. Can you help me send a message?"

The translator smiles. "Ah yes, it is difficult to find them. This particular tribe has little interest in Westerners. But they will still meet with ...

God, bored one day, decides to visit one of his most loyal followers and grant him one wsh.

Follower: Wow, anything I want!?!?

God: Yes, as long as it is in reason.

Follower: OK, can I get a highway from my house to Hawaii?

God: I'm sorry, that would interfere with other people and nature, so I'm afraid I cannot do that.

Follower: Alright, I wish to be able to u...

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

A British man visits a small American family farm... [Long]

And he's impressed at just how much food the farmer is able to grow on his small plot. "This is most impressive!" he says. "It seems like more than one family could eat, old boy! How do you deal with the excess?"

The farmer, a man of few words, replies: "We eat what we can, and what we can't,...

A priest is sent to Alaska. After a few years the bishop goes to visit him. “How are you doing up here?” the bishop asks. “It’s really cold,”

The priest answers. “If it weren’t for my Rosary and my two martinis every evening, I wouldn’t make it. By the way, would you like a martini?”

“Sure,” the bishop says.

The priest says, “Rosary, bring the bishop a martini.”

An old Russian man wants to visit his old friend in Germany.

An old Russian man remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up. He doesn't have enough money for a plane, however, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving. Several hours go by on the empty road and af...

Did you know if you visit musicians graves, you can hear their music backwards?

It's because they're decomposing.

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I went to visit my old hometown the other day and found the house I grew up in. I knocked on the door and asked the owners if I could have a look around. They said "NO!" and closed the door in my face.

My parents can be such jerks sometimes.

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding...

A villager visits a city

He sees two people sitting and having a chat in a wide store that has only a table and a few chairs. He wonders and goes in.

-Hello

-Hi, how can we help?

-I was just wondering... What do you sell here?

The seller wants to have some fun with the villager and replies wit...

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Donald Trump decided to take a break from presidency and visit Greenland..

He's put up in a nice hotel with the best service in the region.

However, there is a problem.

Every time he goes out to do some sightseeing, someone keeps calling him "Cunt".

He comes back to the hotel and asks the manager about this strange phenomenon.

The manager says, ...

A old man's children visit him at the same time by car.

His children are parking their vehicles.


The man has parkinsons.

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

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Dr Visit

My Doctor told me that I had to stop masturbating. I asked her "Why". She said "Because I'm trying to do an exam here!"

(Now I need to find a new dentist)

What's a Catholic priest's favorite town to visit?

Du Bois

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A Man Visits His Friend In The Psych Ward

A man went to visit his friend in a psych ward. On the way to his room, he sees a patient facing a wall, pretending to swing a tennis racket. He asks him, "What are you doing?" and the guy says back "I'm a pro tennis player, and when I get out of here, I'm going to play in the Grand Slam." The man s...

An adorable old woman visits the doctor.

“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.”

The doctor say...

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Donald Trump visits the Queen of England

Donald Trump visits the Queen of England and is amazed how nice everything is. He asks her: How do you run your country in such a nice way?

She answers: Oh that's easy. I surround myself with smart people. Could someone send in my prime minister please?

Boris Johnson enters the room an...

Aliens finally visit the earth

And they're talking about their civilization and planes in universe with a human representative, the subject of Jesus gets mentioned

Aliens: Oh yes, he often visits our planet every now and then

HR: He does? He never came a second time to ours

Aliens: Well, he must not have like...

A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant

He heard there was a fishy business.

Man visits doctor for deteriorating eyesight.

Man: My eyes are getting worse and now I can't even read books.

Doctor, pointing out the window: Can you tell me what is that?

Man: It's.. the Sun, doc.

Doctor: You can go home, your eyes are good.

Man, confused: What do you mean? You haven't conducted any test.

Do...

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I took a visit to Russia and a random person accused me of being gay.

Shocked, I asked who are you?

He replied Uben,

Uben GettinKok.

What do you call it when a team of ghostbusters visit a children’s hospital?

Spawn camping.

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Why is Japan reluctant on letting Trump visit?

Last time a fat man visited 80'000 people died.

A man visits the house of a new acquaintance.

In the gate to the yard there is a "Beware of Dog" sign and he starts hearing barks. He gets in and locks the gate behind him while he hears the barks getting louder. Looking all around him he can't see a dog so he goes to the door while the barks seem to get closer. At the last second he sees a tin...

Trump visits London and buys a souvenir.

The cashier says, "That will be 10 pence."

He responds with, "But I only have 1..."

One day, I decided to visit my local comic book store...

It ended up having issues.

The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.

He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!

Why did the blonde woman show up at the federal penitentiary and ask to have a conjugal visit with Jeffrey Epstein?

She heard that he was well hung.

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A man in the military recently broke up with his ex, so he decided to visit a bar to meet some women.

The man notices a seductive looking woman sitting at the bar.

He introduces himself and she introduces herself likewise.

The woman has a strong sex drive, so she asks him a sexual question to get straight to the point. She asks, “Hey cutie, what’s your body count?”

The man repli...

A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.

He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?"

"For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies.

"That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.

He extends...

An American missionary visits a small farming village in Africa...

He's giving his fire and brimstone speech, preaching to all the locals, and they are INTO IT. "He is the light and the way," he says, "without whom we would all be damned to eternal hellfire!"

"Hazunga!" Yell the natives.

"Accept Christ as your lord and savior, or be cast down!"
...

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An elderly couple visit the doctor for their check up...

The doctor says to the husband, " I will need a stool sample, a urine sample, a blood sample, and a semen sample."

The husband does not hear well asks several times for the doctor to repeat.

Finally the wife speaks up, "Oh honey, just give him your underwear! "

Man visits a doctor.

Man: Doc, i keep thinking that I am invisible.

Doctor: Who said that?

Why did the Pharaoh visit the dentist?

Because Egypt his tooth...

Man visits Afghanistan 2 decades apart.

A man visits Afghanistan and during his visit he got to witness the culture and the differences from his own country. One curious thing that he noticed was that when married couples went for a walk, the men walked in front and the women follows 10 yards behind. His trip ended and he went home.
...

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

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A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer replies "That...

My wife says "why dont you come visit me anymore?"

Me: "Because you put a restraining order on me"

Went to visit my farmer friend and noticed a three-legged pig in the barnyard...

When I asked him what happened he said, “A couple of years ago, we had a fire in the cellar and that pig went to squealing and screaming and raising holy hell to wake us all up in time. Saved all our lives.

“Then, last summer, that pig saw a rattlesnake was sneaking up on little Timmy as he w...

A man comes back to his doctor for a follow-up visit.

He tells the doctor, "Hey Doc, I'm really not feeling too well. I hope you've got good news for me."

The doctor replies, "I do, but I also have some bad news. Which do you want first?"

"Give me the good news first."

"Well, I'm going to have a disease named after me and it migh...

An Australian visits a chess-themed restaurant

Once he finishes, he calls to his waiter,
"Checkmate."

A man visits the doctor, telling him, “When I touch my knee, it hurts, when I touch my arm, it hurts, when I touch my nose, it hurts.”

The doctor says, “Well of course that all hurts, your finger is broken!”

Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.

"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."

Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredib...

Man visits doctor.

Doctor: What's your problem?

Man: Nobody believes a word I say.

Doctor: Tell me what's your REAL problem.

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2 men visits a prostitute

First guy went into the bedroom, came back out 10 minutes later disappointed
Second guy asked "What's wrong?" First guy says "She's not even worth it, even my wife's better than that." The second guy wanting to go a round for himself, walks into the bedroom. Shortly after 10 minutes, the second ...

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

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A farmer strolls over to visit his neighbor, and finds him dancing, naked, in the barn in front of the farm equipment.

The farmer gasps, "Whoa! What are you doing?!"

His neighbor replies, "Well, me and the wife haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and our therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

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A young sailor about to on his first ever around the world cruise" visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

"Gramps, I'm so excited to go on my first cruise," he says.



"Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you're taking everything you need," says the grandfather.



The sailor goes and grabs his suitcase. He opens it for his grandfather to inspect, only to get smac...

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Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:

\-My, what big red eyes you have!

The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same fo...

I often act out the names of places that I visit.

For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming. When I went to Rugby, I played rugby. When I went to Bath, I took a bath.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.

I forgot to visit my depressed girlfriend

I kind of left her hanging

A woman visits her son at the uni he attends

A woman visits her son at the uni he attends, he invites her into his dorm and introduces her to his roommate. The mother instantly suspects that they are dating. So she asks her son Mother: “are you guys dating?” Son: “no mom, she’s just my roommate, we even have separate beds” The mother was st...

College girl visits the doctor for an exam...

Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra."

So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest.

Doctor says: "What caused this?"

Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love."

Doctor: "Ok you're finished, ...

"Whale whale whale look who it is." My buddy hates when I visit him at the aquarium.

He says I'm not using the word for its intended porpoise.

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I'm flying to Philadelphia to visit my parents today.

My husband, being the sick individual he is, said he'll miss me so much that when I come back he'll want to cum in my eyes.

Laughing but disgusted, I told him that I don't want semen in my eyes and I'd possibly just stay in Philly forever.

"Oh, come on," he said, "If it's between livin...

So my ex wife was sick in the hospital and I decide to visit her.

She was complaining that her body temperature has dropped below 30. So I told her not to worry since it's a standard body temperature for snakes.

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An Asian person visits a therapist.

A "I feel like I have 100 problems"

T "Really? What do you think the root of your problems is"

A "10"

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A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as ...

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

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A man visits a lady of the night, she only wants 5 dollars.

The next day he wakes up, and realizes he has crabs. The man goes back to the prostitute and tells her “Hey, you gave me crabs”. She responds, “for 5 dollars did you expect Lobster?”

Sorry just watching the office for the first time.

Man visits doctor.

Doctor: What's your problem?

Man: Whenever I drink coffee, I get this sharp, excruciating pain that goes down my throat to my stomach.

Doctor: Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking the coffee.

On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listens as she goes on and on about the cost of living.

“When I was a young girl,” she moans, “you could go to the store with a dollar and come home with enough food to feed your family for weeks!”



“Well, Grandma,” the boy replies, “we learned about that in school recently, and that’s called inflation.”



“Inflation nothing!” ...

A guy visits NYC for the first time and decides to go see Chinatown.

As he’s walking around, amongst all the Chinese shops he spots a bakery called “Hans Olufsen’s Bakery”. Feeling curious, he walks in. Inside he sees an all Chinese staff, with several Chinese pastries on display. Even more curious, he notices the guy who looks like the manager and talks to him:
<...

Why did the snooker player visit the bathroom?

He wanted to pot the brown.

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A man visits the doctor for a checkup.

"Your vitals look fine," he said. "But it looks like your sperm count is a bit low. Have you felt any changes in sexual desire or had difficulty in bed?"

"Now that you mention it, the last few times I've had an orgasm, I've felt like my entire testicle was being sucked through my dick!"
...

I was ecstatic to finally visit Chernobyl.

Afterwards I spent weeks glowing and radiating happiness.

I've always wanted to visit the Grand Canyon

I hear it is just gorges.

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle.

For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.


Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, ...

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So a man is waiting to visit someone in prison...

So a man is waiting to visit someone in prison, while in the waiting area he sees an smiling old lady with a scrapbook. So he goes to the lady and says "hello Ma'am, we're in a prison what are you smiling about?" So the lady replies. "You see I have 2 sons. When they were young I told them to pick a...

During a family visit, my 6 y/o nephew showed me his handicrafted kite.

Then I showed him my Apple watch and said "Nice, but look what kids in China can do at your age."

My in-laws are coming for a visit. Just call me "Misery"....

Because I LOVE company!!!!!!! Whoo-hooooo!

I went on a visit of a postcard factory.

It was okay. Nothing to write home about.

The visit to Jerusalem

Mr Goldman & his nagging wife of 30 years once went on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. Through out the plane ride, down to the taxi ride to the hotel she nagged him persistently.
While in bed , the nagging continued. The next day Mr Goldberg woke up to discover his wife had died peacefully in her...

An old lady went to visit her dentist,

When it was her turn, she squatted in the chair and lowered her underpants.

The dentist freaked out and looked at her and said

“Madam, I’m not a gynaecologist.”

“I know” she replied,

“I need you take my husbands dentures out.”

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My sister and I went home to Alabama for mothers day to visit and we were out shopping for a gift for mom when a guy walks by and slaps my sister in the ass. I reacted quick and gave him the ol' one two.

Because no one slaps my girls ass but me.

On my visit to Chicago, the weather forecast said it was muggy.

The forecaster was right. I went outside and someone stole my shoes.

I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I’m going home for the hollandaise.

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The Avengers went to go and visit a child in the hospital on Friday.

The lucky kid gets to meet Stan Lee on Saturday.

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A small coastal Australian church gets word the Pope is coming for a visit.

The church committee quickly gets together to discuss arrangements and the topic quickly turns to what food they will serve the Pope.

One of the nuns suggests a serve of fish would be appropriate. The committee agrees and one of the priests is nominated to source a fresh fish.

The pr...

President Obama goes to visit the Queen of England.

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama is warmly welcomed by the Queen. They are driven in a car to the edge of central London, where they get into a magnificent seventeenth-century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on toward Buckingham Palace and wave to the...

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A man goes to the nursing home to visit his eighty-four-year-old father.

While there he notices the nurse hand his father a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill. The man asks the nurse, “Why are you doing that? At his age, what will either do for him?”



“The hot chocolate,” the nurse explains, “will help him fall asleep faster.”



“All right,...

I went to visit my 80 year old grandfather who lives in a rural area [long]

He made me breakfast and as I was eating I noticed the plates had a film-like residue on them.

"Grandpa are these plates clean?", I asked him.

He responded, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Now hurry up and eat your food."

Later that day he made hamburgers and as w...

A mom visits her anti-vaxxer friend

He asks: "so you decided not to vaccinate your child?"

\-oh yeah, it's way healthier. I did the same for all my other kids.

\- And he is doing ok?

\- well, right now, he cries a lot.

\- Really? How come?

\- Well, he just turned two: you know how middle-life crisis ...

A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time

He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger,
“Oi! What animal is that then?”
“That’s a moose,” the ranger replied.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”

A boyfriend paid a visit to his cancer-stricken girlfriend in the hospital.

"How are you babe?" He asked

"Good, can you do something for me?"

"Anything"

"Give me the bucket I feel like throwing up" she said.

So he gave her the bucket which was right beside the hospital bed and his girlfriend threw up in it.

"Do you love me?" She asked afte...

Passing through his son’s college town late one night, a father decides to drop in and pay his kid a visit.

The father knocks on the fraternity house door. No one answers. He knocks louder, but still no answer. He begins to bang angrily on the door. Finally, a head pops out of a window on the second floor. “You need something, pal?” a frat brother asks from the window.



“Yes, does Billy Powe...

I was honored at my dentist's office for "Most Infrequent Visits"

My reward was a gift card and plaque.

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I went to visit my mum yesterday and noticed her cat wasn't around.

"Where's old Ginger?" I asked.

"He's gone to Pussy Heaven" she sniffed.

"Wow!" I said, "I was there last night, I didn't know he was a member."

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A distressed woman visits a healer.

“Please, you have to help me. Every day when my husband comes home from work, he beats the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

The healer says: “You see, in every man’s soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger....

So a doctor visits a mental hospital...

He shows up, and the lady at the front desk directs him to an interesting duo. Two men, one of which is hanging from the ceiling and another who is seemingly sawing air. The doctor asks the man sawing away, "what is it that you are doing?" The man replies, "I'm building a ladder to sneak out of this...

Two men visit a pastor

The first is named Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith has recently suffered a car accident, and his legs show no signs of ever working properly again.

The other man is Danny, a young man who has always spoken with a lisp.

Both have visited the pastor because the pastor has assured them that, with G...

A 50 year-old woman visits her doctor

and reveals to her doctor that when she goes to the bathroom, pennies come out of her. The doctor replies, "Don't worry about it for now, but come back next week if it continues." The next week, she is back. "Now I go to the bathroom and out come nickels! What is going on?"

"I'm still not qui...

A tourist visits an Indian reservation...

...where he finds an old chief who claims that he remembers everything that has ever happened in his life.

The tourist is curious and asks the chief "What did you have for breakfast on your 5th birthday?"

Without hesitation the chief replies "eggs".

Impressed, he continues his v...

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Why did the French chef visit the sex therapist?

Boner Petite

Three friends decided to visit the African Savanna and make a little tour all by themselves.

Let's call them Jack, Mark and Clark.

And to make it more thrilling and exciting, they decided to make it a tour by foot. So they chose the route and dates and they met at the airport when the day had come.



As they arrived at the place where they would be spending the first nig...

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Group of middle school students visit the Vatican

The teacher guides them through the hallways and tells them about the paintings.

Teacher: "This famous painting made Michelangelo represents the God creating Adam. Can someone tell us what they see here?"

Susan decides to speak:

"Nice muscles", she says

Teacher is furiou...

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

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One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.

On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop.

Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?”

“I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?”

With a smile on his fa...

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

A physicist, a biologist and a chemist visit the local beach on a fine day.

The physicist says, "I want to do reasearch about the fluid dynamics of the ocean water."

He walks into the ocean and does not come back.

The biologist says, "I want to do research about the flora and fauna of the ocean."

He, too, walks into the ocean and does not come back.
...

A friend Served me no food but only cold water when I went to visit his house on his invitation.

so, it made me angry and I wanted to take revenge on this.

so, I invited him to my house and he came.

I served him nothing but ice in front of him.

surely, " Just ice has been served"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is getting dressed after her visit to the doctor

"So, Doctor", she says, "How about a kiss goodbye?"

"I'm sorry", the doctor replies, "But that would be terribly unethical. Hippocratic Oath and all that. I really shouldn't have even had sex with you".

A man visits a counselor

The counselor says "You should look to improve your life, but it'll take a lot of work on your part."

Months pass, and the man comes back.

"What brings you in today?" asks the counselor.

"Two things. First, thanks for the advice it totally worked!"

"What... that was fast,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe visits his favorite museum's new exhibit.

Joe was on his way to his favorite museum. The museum had announced a new exhibit and he was extremely excited to be one of the first people to ever see it, since he got some early access tickets. When he got there, there were about 12 other people who had also gotten a ticket for today, so he assum...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A refugee visits a doctor

So after fleeing from his home country a young midlle eastern refugee ends up in a nice wealthy north european country. Everything seems to look good for him, till he starts to feel sick. He has no idea what could be the problem so he goes to visit a doctor.

After he told the doctor his symp...

After rounds of extensive life saving operations, I asked my nurse if she’d visit me when I finally get out.

She told me she doesn’t like cemeteries.

a lady visits her husband in a prison

A lady visits her husband in a prison. After talking to him she talks to a prison administrator:
"Shouldn't my husband be treated better? All this hard work he has to do!"
"What hard work?" asks the administrator "he's a librarian here."
"Well," replies the lady, "he was telling me so...

Today I went to visit my dead grandparents but I accidentally visited the wrong tomb

It was a grave mistake

A man visits the doctor because he’s suffering from a miserable winter cold.

His doctor prescribes some antibiotics, but they don’t help. On his next visit, the doctor gives the man a shot, but it doesn’t do any good. On his third visit, the doctor tells the man to go home and take a steaming hot bath. As soon as he gets out of the bath, he should open all of the windows in ...

An Australian ventriloquist visits NZ

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid...

A 90 Year Old gentleman visits the doctor's office and says

**"Doc, I want to live another 20 years"**

The Doctor asks:

*"Do you drink?"*

**"No"**

*"Do you smoke?"*

**"No"**

*"Do you do any drugs?"*

**"No"**

*"Do you chase women?"*

**"No"**

*"Then why do you want to live another 20 years?!...

A guy goes to visit his friend who lives on the 100th floor

At the reception, the friend welcomes him with a grim news "The elevator is not working so we have to take the stairs."

The guy afraid says "But that's a long climb.."

"Don't worry" His friend replies "We can tell each other horror stories while we climb up. That way we can be entertai...

An american farmer visits Germany

In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer.



"Are you a farmer?" he asks the man.



"Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies.



"How big is your farm?" the...

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

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