Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So ...

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

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A guy hadn't gotten any action for a while so he decides to visit a local brothel

"What would you like tonight?” his entertainer asked him.
"Well, I'm not really sure, what do you recommend?” he replied.
"I could give you the best hand job you've ever had, if you don't believe me just look out the window... do you see that Mercedes? I bought that with the money I made just ...

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Two men visit a prostitute

Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know? Your wife is better."

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My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

While visiting the old folks home, little Charlie asks his grandmother, "Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."

Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"

His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"

Char...

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that co...

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

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A WW2 pilot visited a girls school.

He was talking to the pupils about his time in the battle, and he said, “I was flying in formation when three fuckers came up behind me”.

The teacher quickly interjects, “young ladies, you must understand the ‘Fokker’ is a type of German aeroplane”.

The pilot replies, “yes, but these...

My doctor cancelled my visit today.

I was Disappointed.

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".

"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".

"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

What State is best to visit for a small drink?

Mini Soda

Biden visits a nursing home.

He goes over to an elderly woman and asks, “Do you know who I am?” She replies, “No, but if you go to the front desk, they’ll tell you.”

Mario, Wario and Luigi went to northern Norway to visit Father Christmas.

Luigi read a big book of Norwegian ethnography before the visit. Wario read a big book about Father Christmas. Mario read a big book about Scandinavian languages.

They had a great time meeting Father Christmas and visiting the workshops, where they spent a little time watching the elves doin...

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

some tourists are visiting Egypt and they go to see the sacred bull

While they're there the caretaker comes and grabs the bull and says

"sorry I need to take apis".

The tourists are shocked so they ask "on the bull"?!

I went to visit my 100-year old grandfather the other day

I’ve been concerned because he told me that he will be getting married to his lovely 25-year-old private nurse.

“Gran’ pa, ” I said, “aren’t you worried about a heart attack on your honeymoon?”

“Heart attack?” he laughed back at me “if she dies, she dies…”

When the pope was visiting America

He told the driver of his limo that he had the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope’s authority. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80km/h, ...

A German man was visiting the UK.

A German man was visiting the UK. He asked a local if they knew what the number for the police was. The local said 999. The German man walked away and asked another local for the number. Again, he got the same response. Confused, he complained about how no one knew the police number.

I went to visit the wife's grave today...

She still thinks it's going to be a fishpond.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.

"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,

"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"

The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."

The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.

...

Once, when I visited America I saw a Crab walking along the Pavement



Sorry I meant to say Sidewalk

He was Sidewalking along the pavement

I’ve always wanted to visit Taiwan

Guess I have a Taipei personality

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”

“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the...

A lady visits a doctor

“Doctor, I was eating some potato chips, and there was a small bag that said ‘DO NOT EAT’, and I accidentally ate that too, am I going to die?..”

“Well, we’re all going to die at some point…” Starts the doctor.

“We’re all gonna die?! OMG, WHAT HAVE I DONE!”

Guy visits doctor with pain all over body.

Man: "Doctor! my whole body aches, everywhere I touch hurts."

Doctor: Sir your finger is broke

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In 1944, Germany was losing WWII and was desperate for money. Nazi party officials secretely visited Switzerland bankers and offered to trade an entire division of Panzers in exchange for precious metals.

Tanks for the gold!

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"

"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."

"How do you know this?" the student asked.

The psychic replied,

"It's mo...

A rich guy visits a doctor for a little blue pill

The doctor gives him a sample to try out. He tells him to take it now and by the time you get home it should be working.

20 minutes later the guy calls the doctor to tell him his wife isn't home but the maid is there.

Doctor says, well... try it out with the maid.

Patient rep...

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I once went to visit Japan and I haven't seen a single ninja.

Impressive.

An old man visited a doctor

"What's the problem sir?" asked the doctor. He replied "It's my joints".
Do they hurt??. " No, I suck at rolling them "

Doctor twin visits pastor twin

A couple has identical twin sons.

After they finish school, they go to separate cities for university: one studies medicine and eventually gets his MD degree; the other decides to become a man of the cloth and gets his DD (Doctor of Divinity).

The doctor settles down near the city wher...

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp-puss.

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John visited his 90-year old grandpa who lived way out in the country.

On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lu...

Why have aliens never visited our solar system?

We’ve only got one star!

An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.

As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any strip clubs while you're in New York?"

The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"

When he ...

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I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night.

She ended up being friendly, but upon seeing her, at first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Vladimir Putin visits a primary school one day

And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says
“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”
Putin: “go ahead”
Sasha: “Why did Russi...

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A story is told that in the mid 1990s, two men go to visit a doctor who is acclaimed for his ability to treat melancholia.

"We can’t eat, we can’t sleep,” say the men. “We feel contantly miserable. Please help us, doctor.”

“Laughter is the best medicine, my friends,” says the doctor. “Take yourself off to The Gathering of the Juggalos, where you will find Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of the Insane Clown Posse perf...

A charity collector paid a visit to the town miser.

"I know you made a profit of more than $500,000 last year alone. Yet you haven't made one donation to our charity!" he berated the miser.

The miser looked up in anger.
"Well, did you also know about my elderly mother, who is currently undergoing an expensive, prolonged treatment for her he...

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A Frog Visits A Fortune Teller

A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
The frog asks for the good news first.

The fortune teller says, "You are go...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

A man who had lost his leg in the war needed to visit the bank

“What do you need?” Said the Banker.

“I need to check my balance.” Said the man.

A politician visits a remote village to garner some votes. He gathers a group of villagers and ask what problems they face.

One guy says crying "sir, we have not had water for months, our crops are dying, we are suffering"

On hearing this the politician takes out his phone and talks into it. "I want all the fields washed with water poured from helicopters." He puts the phone back in his pocket and asks " Ok, what...

My mother in law came for a visit so I asked her - How long do you plan to stay?

Just until I start getting on your nerves, she replied.

Oh, so you won't even stay for a coffee?

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

A father thought of surprisingly paying a visit to his son at his apartment he was renting, he came to know that....

his son was renting the place alongwith a girl, he gave his son 'the look' and his son clarified that it's not what he thinks and they're just housemates.
The father didn't say anything and he asked if he could crash for one more day and both the boy and the girl were fine with it.
Next day he...

A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

"Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems," says one of the leaders

The politician pounds his table, "Ok tell me what they are,...

For my wife's 30th birthday I got a man called David to visit our house.

While we were sat on the sofa, David walked around, looking at us occasionally.

"There's a definite tension between the two of you," David began, "but behind it all there's a certain desire, a lust. Yes, there's a craving for the physical. And there's friendship, too. Warmth, lots of warmth i...

A fruit bat is visiting a vampire bat's house. Suddenly he hears his friend call out from the kitchen: "could you help, I've lost a lot of blood." He starts to call for the doctor, but suddenly he hears his friend say "wait, nevermind..."

"I just didn't notice it in the back of the fridge."

A Rich Wall Street trader visits a village

During his stay, he sees a young man sleeping everyday and doing nothing outside his house. So he decides to persuade him to change his life and goes on to talk to him.

Trader: Hello young man, looks like you have nothing to do. I suggest you come with me to New York.

Man: What happ...

Visiting Nan's for Halloween

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.

The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.

“Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry!” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

“Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have just thought it was one of the horses!"

Jeffery Dahmer visits his optometrist.

Doc says, ”you should never rub your eyes”.

Jeffrey contemplates.

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

When I was visiting France, my French friends kept insisting I stay up every night and do drugs.

I was under a lot of Pierre pressure.

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

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Woman visits the antique store

And find a beautiful wardrobe. She decide to buy, but says, that it is too big and won't fit through her door.

The clerk tells her that they can disassemble it, deliver to her house and then assemble it again. She accept so they do just that.

Next day woman calls to the store explainin...

What happens when you visit the mausoleum?

Remains to be seen

A blonde visits her brunette friend at her home and finds out that she's sick.

The brunette asks "Could you please call the doctor? I'm too sick to go on the phone."

She does so, and calls a doctor. When the doctor comes and visits, the brunette finds out he is a veterinarian.

Confused, the brunette asks, "Why did you call a veterinarian to come see me?"

A...

An African man visits his friend in the US

“I just flew in yesterday” the African man says “And boy are my arms tired!”

“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America” replied his friend.

“Joke?” The African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country”.

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The Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals

and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my God!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your Majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the t...

Rabbi of Jerusalem visits the Pope …

at the Pope’s private desk, the Rabbi sees a very ornate phone. The Pope says it is a direct line to God and invites the Rabbi to use it.

Rabbi makes the call and it is God! They have a nice conversation. After the call, the Pope says, “That will cost €100.” The Rabbi pays for the call....

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A nice visit to America as German guy

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by..
She saw my penis and shouted 'GROSS!'
I shouted back 'DANKE!'

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

While visiting London an American.....

While visiting London an American entered a Vietnamese soup restaurant and proceeded directly to the counter to place an order.  A line of customers off to the side began groaning and mumbling.  A man at the front pointed to the back of the line and angrily said "Pho Queue!"

"Comrade Stalin! A fortune-teller has come to visit you!"

"Execute him. If he were a real fortune-teller, he wouldn't have come."

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Doctor's visit

A man visited his doctor for a prostate exam. The doctor warned him it might cause a strong erection. When the doctor inserted a finger in his ass no erection occurred and he let the doctor know. "Oh, I didn't mean it would happen to you!"

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The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

I recently visited a US state north of Texas and south of Kansas.

It wasn’t great, but it was OK.

Putin

It was in the news recently that Putin was visiting a school in Moscow to promote the nations power on the world wide stage.
The children were allowed to ask questions before lunch.

Little Alina speaks up and says to Putin...

“I have two questions”

“Why did Russia take Crim...

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

Scott Morrison was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Morrison if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs o...

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The Home Minister, the Minister of Defence and the Minister of Fisheries are on a state visit to the Vatican.

As a courtesy, the Pope dines with them that night. The food is good, and the conversation still better. As the evening wears on, the Home Minister notices that her cup has run dry, and uses the opportunity to show off her inexhaustible wit. "Pope the divine," she says, turning to the solemn head of...

Soviet financial inspector visits a synagogue

Soviet financial inspector visits synagogue with a mission to prove that local Jewish community hides some profits from tax authorities.

As he looks through the books and find nothing suspicious - an idea comes to his mind.

He asks rabbi:

\- Rabbi, soviet authorities sent you 10...

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead all went in to visit with college admissions.

Their moms all sat in the waiting room holding their daughters purses. The brunettes mom starts snooping through her daughters purse and finds a lighter. She said " I knew my daughter was smoking. I'm going to have a talk with her".
The redhead's mom saw this and started digging through her daugh...

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A man visits his doctor for an exam.

"Well, Mr.Brown." Says the doctor. "I have just discovered that you have one testicle made of wood and another made of steel."

"But that's impossible." Says Mr.Brown. "I've never had any operations and apart from that I have perfectly healthy children."

"How old are your children?"
...

A Frenchman Visits Texas

A French man came to Texas to visit an old friend from WW2. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the b...

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Back in the 1980's, two young Aussie tourists visit the Vatican as part of a Kontiki tour...

Typical of the day, beer is the main refreshment, so they have an Esky (a cooler) chock-a-block with ice and ice cold beers to keep them refreshed while viewing the sights. Due to the beers being consumed, they soon lose contact with the main tour group and decide to investigate the Vatican by thems...

Why did the clairvoyant visit the psychologist?

He was suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Why does Bruce Lee get excited when he visits Texas?

Because that means he can eat at WA-TAAAAburger

Grammerly

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a miracle man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, ha...

It was Ho Choo’s first time in America, and he was excited to visit an “American bar”.

He quickly locates one and finds a seat by the counter, where two other men are already seated.

The surly bartender tilts his head at the first man, who says “Jack Daniels, single.”

The bartender nods and looks towards the second man, who says, “Johnny Walker, single.”

The bart...

An Estonian visits russia

He departs from Tallinn, the journey goes as planned until, 2 hours and a half in, he realizes he needs petrol otherwise he won't get to russia, so he stops at a gas station near narva, and decides to get a snack and go to the bathroom. So before filling up his car he gets off, walks to the gas stat...

Tony Dungy visits Bill Belicheck to try and learn the Patriots secrets.

He asks Bill about how he always wins no mater what is going on.

Bill calls Tom Brady into his office and asks him "who is you father's brother's nephew?"

Brady responds "Me"

Bill turns to Tony and says "see you, need smart players"

The next day at practice Tony calls ove...

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I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country

but don't want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl... One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor.

After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and...

when a dictator's son visit the ZOO

when the manager of a Zoo heard that the president (Dictator) and his son are coming for a visit

he went and called one of his worker and asked him to wear a Deer costume and sit in their place because all of them died and the dictator president's son love Deers.

when the president cam...

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My mother-in-law is visiting. Emotions, like a stoner late for class....

...are running high.

President Biden visits a fully vaccinated senior home

After a heartful speech in which he thanked the staff for their effort and the residents for their sacrifices he was doing the hand-shaking round. As he greeted a particular old woman who appeared to be quite "out of it", he asked her, "Do you know who I am?". Her response was simply, "No, but there...

I visited an art gallery.

"Absolutely gorgeous, don't you think?" I asked the fellow next to me. "The way the yellow combines with the grey...the way the colours intertwine. Truly beautiful."



He slowly stepped away from the urinal and left.

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If you wish to visit Outer Space, you're an Astronaut

If you wish to visit Uranus, you're an Ass-tronaut

The Russian president is on a visit to the USA.

So he is taken on a tour of various tech companies to show him their superiority.

"This," says Bob, "is the smartest computer in the world. Ask it any question, and it will answer you correctly."

The Russian president is intrigued. So he decides to trick the computer and asks: "Who wil...

Aliens decide to finally visit Earth…

They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.

When it's the Pope's turn, he asks "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"
...

A POLITICIAN visited a village and asked what their needs were

”We have 2 basic needs, sir,” replied the villager.
“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s not the doctor.”

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then aske...

I went to visit my wife in hospital, and took her flowers.

My girlfriend will love them.

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A man was unsatisfied with his small penis

He expressed his problem to a friend. His friend suggested that he should go and visit a wizard who was living on a cliff just outside the town. So the man, in hopes, went to visit that wizard. He reached the base of that cliff and started searching for ways to climb his way up. Luckily he found a r...

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

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A doctor is visiting a remote village

A man comes to him and says, "Big Chief, no shit"

The doctor pours him a small amount of castor oil and tells him it should solve the problem.

Next day, the man goes to the doctor again and says, "Big Chief, no shit"

The doctor pours a little more castor oil and tells him it wi...

Union Dues

A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she says. "Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps o...

After some pressure from his family a man who is hard of hearing visits his doctor.

After a lengthy examination, the doctor identifies the problem and prescribes the solution. He takes it and the doctor tells him to come back in a week to check that everything is A-OK.

A week later he revisits. The doc announces, "You're hearing is perfect. Your family must be delighted."...

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A man goes to visit his elderly father in a nursing home.

He's running late, so arrives later than normal. The nurse on duty tells him visiting hours are nearly over but he can sit with his father while she gives him his medication. He agrees and the nurse comes back a few minutes later with a glass of water and three pills. The man eyes the pills curiousl...

An old joke in my native language.

In a country, all the idiots lived together in a big town. One day, their leader dies. He had two children. Both of them were eligible to be the leader. They were quite confused who should be their leader. So, they visit a saint for advice.

The saint says: "Whoever will answer my question cor...

There once was an Irishman that wanted to immigrate to America

His name was Tom Dunn. He lived in Ireland his whole life, but wanted to see what better opportunities America had to offer him.

He decided to make the trip, promising his mother he will write to her every day and that she should come visit him when he is all squared away. “I’ll be the Presid...

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...

When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.

Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide to speak to their rabbi ab...

An American white guy visits India.

Wanting to get a more authentic experience, he goes to an Indian restaurant and tells them to serve him their specials, no questions asked. After eating a few bites, he calls the waiter and says, "Hey, this is brilliant food, but I just have a tiny request. This is a tad bit too spicy for my taste, ...

I met my girlfriend whilst visiting the London Zoo.

Straight away I knew she was a keeper.

An american fellow visiting at an English bar notices two attractive women with thick Irish accents sitting at the booth next to him....

out of curiousity, He approaches them and asks "Excuse me, are you two ladies from England?
One of the women gets mad and yellls "ITS WALES, YOU IDIOT!!!"

So after a Deep shock.... the gentleman responds "Excuse Me, are you two Whales from England"?

Went to visit my ol dad at the nursing home.

We sat quietly on the porch as he never was much of a talker. A nurse diligently stood by his side keeping an eye on him, every so often he'd start to slide sideways and she'd give him a gentle push to prop him up. I asked how he was doing and he said the place was fine, they just won't let him fart...

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Guy visits his favourite Dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he...

An old lady goes to visit her husband in his new care- home.

She asks the nurse at the desk "How is my husband settling in?"

The nurse sighs "Oh, he's like a fish out of water."

"Oh no, in what way?" The concerned lady asks.

"He's dead." replies the nurse.

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A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community.

All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" (Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I ...

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The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.


"You need to use \`big people' words," she'd always remind them.


She then asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.


"I went to visit my Nana."


"No, you went to v...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

German tourist visits Poland

Guy at the airport: Nationality?

German dude: German

Guy at the airport: Occupation?

German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.

My friend was visiting from Barcelona, and he asked me if he could crash on my couch.

I wasn't expecting some kind of Spanish imposition!

Harry & Hermione go to Hogsmeade

Since school had started back up in September, hogsmeade visits once again became something to look forward to.

There was the 2nd week of September and then, luckily, one on Hermione's Birthday, just in time to buy her something nice.

Things the next month were the same as usual; Harry...

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A visit to my grandmother

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:


"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.
There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, th...

A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.

Upon reaching it, one of the first thing he did was go into a department store.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

“Quiero calcetines, (I want socks)" said the man.

“I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over ...

Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know

Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.


One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.


Gladys, the innovator s...

A man decides to visit Germany with his dog for 2 weeks.

He wishes to experience German culture during the winter. So, he visits an ice rink. As soon as the man steps foot on the ice, the dog darts forward, excited about his new surroundings. The dog proceeds to fall through a thinner patch of ice. The man leaps forward to save his dog, but another man di...

I visited a Catholic church yesterday

It was a little unorthodox

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died.

With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very...

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A man comes to visit his friend...

...and notices a huge, asian gong in his living room. So he asks him, why does he have such a huge gong. "Oh, that is no gong, it's a talking clock! Here, let me show you!"

He grabs a mallet and hits the gong with full force. And from the next apartment could be heard: **"ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS...

A North Korean go to Poland...

Kim Jong Un goes to Poland for a diplomatic visit but his car break in the Polish countryside.

He meet a farmer that ask him :

"Kim jesteś?" (Who are you?)

And Kim reply :

"No, Kim Jong Un."

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An Australian joke (but it may translate..)

ScoMo (the Australian Prime Minister, right wing, evangelical, ex marketing specialist) is visiting a remote indigenous village, surrounded by the fawning Murdoch press. He speaks to the village elder and asks him how he can make the locals lives better.

"Well," says the elder, "We've got two...

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MD Visit



A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a Gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress, and after she had disrobed, the doctor

began to stroke her thigh.



Doing so, ...

A inspector visits a sanatoriun to check its conditions.

During the tour the director takes him to one of their newly designed test rooms, claiming its foolproof.

"We fill up this bathtub to the brim see? Then we hand to the inmate a spoon and a cup and ask him to empty the tub" Says the director

The inspector nods and replies with a smile "...

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A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

One guy goes to India and visits a monastery

He saw some old monks meditating around the garden but was perplexed not to see any young monks around. "Is Buddhism dying?", he thought. Right after that, he sees a young monk entering a building with some bags of flour and sugar and decides to follow him.

What he found was stunning. On one...

A young boy asked his dad “why does Santa only visit once a year?”

The dad replied “because he’s in jail the rest of the year for breaking and entering”.

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A world known pair of thieves were visiting the Escoffier Museum of Culinary Arts in France.

They were looking to make their final steal the biggest yet. They walk up the pearly white steps and into the old yellow plastered building.

As they walk in, the man turns to the woman and asks, "What do you think we should take? I want our last job to be remembered for years!"

The wo...

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A woman goes to visit her neighbour...

... and says she caught her daughter and the neighbours son wrestling.

"Well," the mother of the son says "It's only natural for them to explore sexuality at that age."

"Sexuality?!" The first woman cries, "She powerbombed him through a flaming table!"

An elderly Australian woman is visiting her son in the US for his birthday.

She arrives at LAX early in the morning and arranges to drive to his house, in New Orleans, in order to “take in the scenery” and see what the American South has to offer.

She drives at a leisurely pace, and stops at scenic viewpoints whenever possible, knowing she has some time to get to he...

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...

But there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed S...

What time did Sean Connery go to bed when he visited Wimbledon?

Tennish

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