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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"

"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."

"How do you know this?" the student asked.

The psychic replied,

"It's mo...

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I once went to visit Japan and I haven't seen a single ninja.

Impressive.

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

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The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

A POLITICIAN visited a village and asked what their needs were

”We have 2 basic needs, sir,” replied the villager.
“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s not the doctor.”

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then aske...

Aliens decide to finally visit Earth…

They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.

When it's the Pope's turn, he asks "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"
...

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl... One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor.

After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and...

I went to visit my wife in hospital, and took her flowers.

My girlfriend will love them.

President Biden visits a fully vaccinated senior home

After a heartful speech in which he thanked the staff for their effort and the residents for their sacrifices he was doing the hand-shaking round. As he greeted a particular old woman who appeared to be quite "out of it", he asked her, "Do you know who I am?". Her response was simply, "No, but there...

An American white guy visits India.

Wanting to get a more authentic experience, he goes to an Indian restaurant and tells them to serve him their specials, no questions asked. After eating a few bites, he calls the waiter and says, "Hey, this is brilliant food, but I just have a tiny request. This is a tad bit too spicy for my taste, ...

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died.

With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very...

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A visit to my grandmother

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:


"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.
There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, th...

My friend was visiting from Barcelona, and he asked me if he could crash on my couch.

I wasn't expecting some kind of Spanish imposition!

A man decides to visit Germany with his dog for 2 weeks.

He wishes to experience German culture during the winter. So, he visits an ice rink. As soon as the man steps foot on the ice, the dog darts forward, excited about his new surroundings. The dog proceeds to fall through a thinner patch of ice. The man leaps forward to save his dog, but another man di...

I met my girlfriend whilst visiting the London Zoo.

Straight away I knew she was a keeper.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

What do you call a Pterodactyl after if it visits the loo?

A terodactyl.

An African man visits his friend in the US

“I just flew in yesterday” the African man says “And boy are my arms tired!”

“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America” replied his friend.

“Joke?” The African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country”.

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A student visits the principal's office one day

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name ...

Jack and John decided to go skiing.

They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have thi...

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

One guy goes to India and visits a monastery

He saw some old monks meditating around the garden but was perplexed not to see any young monks around. "Is Buddhism dying?", he thought. Right after that, he sees a young monk entering a building with some bags of flour and sugar and decides to follow him.

What he found was stunning. On one...

Aliens visit earth

People were found by extraterrestrials. Aliens descended from the skies on the earth surface. Humanity wondered who should they sent to talk to the aliens. Top scientists from around the world agreed to send prominent biologist and well-known religion critique Richard Dawkins. He approached the spac...

An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me.

Its felt like a sine from God

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A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community.

All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" (Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I ...

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A world known pair of thieves were visiting the Escoffier Museum of Culinary Arts in France.

They were looking to make their final steal the biggest yet. They walk up the pearly white steps and into the old yellow plastered building.

As they walk in, the man turns to the woman and asks, "What do you think we should take? I want our last job to be remembered for years!"

The wo...

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A Japanese couple is visiting America for the first time

When they arrive at the airport, it's just past dawn. The girlfriend, who doesn't speak any English, says in her native tongue "Good morning!"

To which the boyfriend tells her "No, babe, this is Nebraska."

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A man visits a therapist

"I work long hours to support my family. When I finally get home, my wife hands me the baby and the other kids are waiting for me to help them with their homework. After dinner, it's my job to clean up and help put the baby to bed. I have an endless list of things to fix around the house on weekends...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

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Guy visits his favourite Dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he...

A young boy asked his dad “why does Santa only visit once a year?”

The dad replied “because he’s in jail the rest of the year for breaking and entering”.

A pregnant lady visits her doctor for a check-up

Doctor: Do you wish for the baby's father to be present during the delivery?

Lady: NO, my husband already doubts him a lot.

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A woman goes to visit her neighbour...

... and says she caught her daughter and the neighbours son wrestling.

"Well," the mother of the son says "It's only natural for them to explore sexuality at that age."

"Sexuality?!" The first woman cries, "She powerbombed him through a flaming table!"

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Why was the FBI argent happy after he visited a glory hole?

Because he received an anonymous tip.

All my friends came to visit me in the place I'm in for vacation even tho I warned them the weather is terribly cold

I was clear in my message "It's cool here, I'm chillin"

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A man comes to visit his friend...

...and notices a huge, asian gong in his living room. So he asks him, why does he have such a huge gong. "Oh, that is no gong, it's a talking clock! Here, let me show you!"

He grabs a mallet and hits the gong with full force. And from the next apartment could be heard: **"ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS...

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A family goes to visit the zoo...

Among the exhibits, they come upon the elephant enclosure where a giant bull elephant stands before them. The young son, seeing the bull’s massive penis points directly at it and exclaims- “Holy cow! What’s that, Mom?”
The mother, embarrassed, seeks to draw his attention away from the spectacle:...

A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.

Upon reaching it, one of the first thing he did was go into a department store.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

“Quiero calcetines, (I want socks)" said the man.

“I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over ...

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

They checked the reviews... but we only had one star

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I hadn't had sex in over two years, so decided to bite the bullet and visit a prostitute..

"Err, how much to let me cum in your mouth?" I asked, nervously.

"Well that depends." She purred, sexily. "How much have you got?"

"About a litre and a half, I reckon."

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal:

- Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million.
No one dared to move for awhile, and then suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.
With enormous luck came, taking everyone's admiration a...

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A man reads the prices during his first visit to a brothel

20 bucks for a hand job, 40 for a blow job, 120 for intercourse. Everything makes sense until he reaches the end of the list. He asks the proprietor why double penetration is only $20.

“Oh, well because they say one in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

The weirdest thing happened today when I visited an American prime time tv studio. There was a blocked off zone guarded by police with signs saying “no comedians allowed, untalented people only”.

I was surprised to see they’d Cordened off the area.

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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner....

When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husban...

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Timothy was visiting his grandparents

for the weekend. He had just turned 3 years old, and his parents was happy to get a weekend off. His grandparents was very religious people, and did not take care for foul language. Grandma Betty Lou and her friends, Gabby, Millie and Martha had taken Timothy to the playground. Timothy was sliding, ...

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A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer replies "That...

I went to go visit my wife but when she saw me she got scared and locked the door.

I'm not surprised. I am pretty angry that she didn't come to my funeral.

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

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A Texan visits Harvard ...

He meets a student and asks, "Say there, do you know where the bathroom's at?" The student replies, "Sir, here at Harvard we speak properly, and certainly don't end our sentences with prepositions."

Texan replies, "OK, where's the bathroom at, asshole?"

Thor visits a Quaint little village disguised as a traveler.

In the village he meets a young maiden and they spend the night together.

The next morning, he's standing by the window when the maiden hobbles over.

He decides to come clean, so he turns to her and says "I'm Thor".

"You think you're thor? I can hardly walk"

George comes home to his apartment, drunk as a skunk, and says to his roommate Ted, "I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"

"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.

"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"

Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he ...

Sam Adams decides to pay Thomas Paine a visit ...

He knocks, and Tom comes to answer the door. Sam says, "I notice that you use the New York Times instead of a doormat. "Yes," says Tom. "These are the Times that dry mens' soles."

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A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

A blind man visits Texas.

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The barte...

I wasn't going to visit my family this Easter, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

A poor woman visits a priest to ask for help...

... she says that her family is doing so bad financially that they can't afford to heat their house. The priest knows that the woman and her husband are farmers and asks her if they have a goat, the woman replies with yes.
"Well then let the goat sleep inside your house, this will keep you warm ...

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A woman visits her mother and tell her she's divorcing her husband.

The mother replies:

But why? Your husband is super kind, good looking and is a millionaire. You're living in a castle, you're driving a rolls royce, you even have butlers!

Yes mother, but he is obsessed with anal sex. Everyday ha wants to put it in my ass.

Before i met him my as...

German tourist visits Poland

Guy at the airport: Nationality?

German dude: German

Guy at the airport: Occupation?

German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.

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Kinky guys visits a prostitute and says surprise me

She removes her left eye and tell him go fuck her in the eye socket. He does and it's the best he ever had.

As he's leaving he tells her that he will certainly see her again.

She responds. OK, I'll keep an eye out for you.

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An older man with a younger wife, visits his therapist.

"Doc," he says, "It seems that no matter what I do, I can't seem to give my wife real satisfaction when we make love."


"Well," the therapist says, "She is entitled to satisfaction just as you are. So try this: Hire a strapping young man and the next time you and your wife make love, hav...

Visited the Soviet Union so I could decide if I want to move there or not.

Didn't like it there, too many red flags

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My neighbor visited my house the other day

He said: Isn't your house the same as mine? How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your living room when you moved in?

12 I said.

A few days later he came back, pretty pissed. "I just finished, and I have 7 rolls of wallpaper left!"

Yeah, so did I.

\*Heard in Dutch a...

I visited my Great-Grampa yesterday and found him in tears with emotion

When I asked what was going on, He answered:

So many years ago, I fought in World War I. At some point, I saw a German, he saw me, we both aimed at each other but he was quicker and shot first. He missed me. In shock, I just ran away, never to see him again… or so I thought.

You see, s...

A band visited the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone without a guide.

Everyone suffered from radiation poisoning, except the lead guitarist.

An Arabic man goes to visit his friend in Canada.

First they go out to lunch and the Arabic man orders “a Bebsi and a bizza”. His friend corrected him and said it was Pepsi and pizza.
The next day, they went to camp in the woods. The Arab goes to pee and comes running back.
“What happened?!” exclaimed his friend.
“I saw a pear!”

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An American visit Russia

and walks into a bar., saying “I’ve heard that Russians drink a lot, but I’m going to bet $500 that none of you will chug a whole bottle of vodka in one go.”.
Suddenly the bar goes quiet, no one takes the bet, one drunk even left. A few minutes later the drunk comes back and asks “Is your bet sti...

Mikhail Kalashnikov visits the United States (based on true story)

For the first time, the legendary father of the AK-47 visits the United States. On his first day there he goes to a shooting range and meets up with Eugene Stoner, the father of America's M16. They discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each of their creations to which Eugene Says:

"My ...

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...

When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.

Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide to speak to their rabbi ab...

My friend and I make frequent conjugal visits to a local female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

Just had a very Trump like bathroom visit

A whole lot of hot air, and hardly anything of real substance.

A man visits an old friend.

Suddenly, a little girl runs across the room. "Diploma," the friend calls, "bring us two cups of coffee." "Where did she get that name?" asks the astonished visitor.

The friend sighs, "I sent my daughter to university, and that's what she came back with."

A man sent love letters to his crush for years, and even one day wrote, that he was going to be visiting her house, when he showed up, she asked “who are you”

The man should have considered that he was a doctor and all she knew was his handwriting

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hel...

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Farmer Joe decides to go down the road to visit his friend Eb.

When he arrives at Eb's farm he hears music coming from Eb's barn.

Going to take a look Joe finds Eb dancing naked around his John Deer!

Taking a step back Joe asks Eb what the heck he's doing?

Eb explains, "Well to be honest me and my woman's been having problems in the bedroom...

A man with a family and a 5 year old daughter frequently visited his hot neighbour at her house in morning.

But the neighbour had a son who was about 6 years old. One day, as a way to distract and have some private time with his mother, he said

A: Go to the patio and look at my house to see if anyone's there. If you find anyone inform me.

The son went as usual to check the neogbour's hous...

I visited my friend at his new house.

He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

An elderly man visited his doctor and asked if he’ll live to be a hundred.

“Do you smoke or drink?” asks the doctor.

“Those things have never and will never touch my lips,” says the man.

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?”

“Nope, don’t believe in doing any of that, either.”

“Well then,” says the doctor, “what do you wan...

A woman visits the doctor...

As she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers”.

She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, “what do you all want to be when you grow up?”

“A farmer,” shouts one.

“An astronaut,” shouts another.

“The President of the United States,” confidently says a little girl.

“Who sa...

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A woman always has a visit from her lover while her husband is at work.

One day the nine-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what the two are doing ... Suddenly the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet.

The son whispers: "Dark in here ..."

The man: "Oh... it's you! Ehm... yes, you are right. It is dark in here."

The s...

During my recent office visit, my doctor was visibly upset, and he told me to cancel my upcoming annual physical. But it was a piece of advice he gave me that concerns me the most.

"Don't buy any green bananas."

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

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A Couple visit a doctor

A couple ask the doctor to test them while they make love.

Doc says, I cannot find anything wrong.

This happens a few more times.

The doctor asks why they keep asking him to test them as they are obviously in good sexual health.

Well, doc. We are both married, not to each...

I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef.

That meant the steaks were just too high for me.

Mr Trump was invited to visit a poor African country.

A soccer match was arranged between two local teams in honour of Trump's visit. During the match, the Prime Minister of the country explained about the poverty his country was facing. Trump listened intently and said

"Mr PM, I've seen enough and I fully understand the extent of the poverty yo...

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Chuck Norris once visited Virginia

Now it's called just "ia"

The Pope is visiting America

The Pope is visiting America and is being driven around in a limousine. He strikes up a conversation with his chauffeur and says “Did you know that when you become Pope, they don’t let you drive anymore?”
The chauffeur shrugs and the Pope continues, “I really miss being able to drive. Do you thin...

Why did the Scotsman visit the urologist?

Because he had a wee problem.

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him.

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that he found him on. The next town wasn’t for miles, so he’d have to stay the night ...

Valerie

The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhap...

A school district superintendent, known for his fiery temper, visits a high school one day. He becomes so annoyed with the staff's incompetence that he yells without thinking, "Half of this school's staff is unfit to work in a high school!"

Naturally, everyone stops and stares as the superintendent. "I'm sorry," he says sheepishly. "What I meant to say was that half of this school's staff is *not* unfit to work in a high school!"

A Muslim couple visit a restaurant known for serving exotic food. As they peruse the menu, the husband exclaims, "Wow! That gorilla burger sure looks good!"

His wife looks up in surprise. "That's haram, bae!" she admonishes.

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

I visited the National Air and Space Museum.

I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him

I asked him “Are you the friar?”

He replied “No, I’m the chip monk...”

My mum told me, when I visit grandma in hospital, I should take her flowers.

So, when grandma wasn't looking, I took them.

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[NSFW] When I visit my urologist I make sure he checks my whole body.

Sometimes I can be a dick.

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Why did a guy with flatulence kink visit r/interestingasfuck?

Because he misread it.

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Trump is visiting a class

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my bes...

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A nun comes to visit

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers, and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked...

On a bitter cold day, Hank visited Lou

"I had a rough time getting here", said Hank, "for every step forward forward I slid back two!"

"But if you slid back two steps for every step you took forward, how'd you get here?", asked Lou.

"I almost didn't, but then I said to myself 'forget it', and turned around and started back ...

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An old jew visits the pope

The pope was sitting in his office one day when his secretary came running in.

“Your Holiness, there’s an old jew who’s been sitting outside your door every day for the last few weeks. He said he wants an audience.”

The pope was surprised by this statement, but seeing as the jew had w...

What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation?

Returning to the scene of the crime.

A sumo wrestler once came to visit, and ended up sleeping on my couch for a month!

It left a negative impression.

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Sherlock’s visit to the doctor

Sherlock went to visit his doctor after his butt was itchy, more so than usual. After a few checkups, it was concluded that he would lose his ass because it was infected, and would need to have it cut off. Frustrated, he went home to complain to his roommate about the situation.

“Watson, I c...

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A big-city doctor visits a Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."



The doctor not knowing what to do stands cluelessly until a tribesman explains to him: ...

An American man is visiting Sydney Australia. Going around seeing all the sites.

Suddenly he is struck by a car, injuring him, and putting him into a coma for 24 hours. He wakes up in the hospital, dazed and disoriented, he just sees the all white room. He hears a voice, and asks the nurse, "Did I come here to die?"
She turns and flatly responds, "Nah mate, you came here yes...

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Death visits Earth one day to claim the life of John the lawyer

Death visits Earth one day to claim the life of John the lawyer. When He enters John's office, John figures out what's going on and starts laughing hysterically. "What's up with the scythe? You look like an out-of-work farmer", he says. Red with embarrassment, Death storms out.

The next day,...

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An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician

To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's Viagra dissolv...

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An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another woman holding his penis.

"What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's"

I just got off the phone with my European friend visiting Buffalo.

He said make it quick he's roaming.

City Man Visits the Farm

A farmer's sister and her husband come and visit from the city. After unpacking the husband asks the farmer what he is planning to do.

"Wait," the husband says let me guess, "You are going to jump in your tractor, program the GPS, turn on the AC, crank up the radio and cruise around all day....

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

A Serbian politician visits Mexico

There he meets their president and gets invited to a diner at the president's house... There he sees a magnificient villa and he asks how did you build it... Mexican president points at the bridge few kilometres away and says 'Do you see that bridge'... Serbian politician says 'Yes', and the Mexican...

My dad only eats Eggs Benedict at Christmas, and only when we visit Grandma and Grandpa.

He says there's no place like home for the hollandaise.

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A Hypnotist Visits a Senior’s Home.......

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you ...

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John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country.

On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lu...

I had no freaking idea!

I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 ye...

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I visited a cannibal restaurant during my time in the South Pacific.

On the menu I saw there was missionary soup for $5. Below it was politician soup for $1000.

So I asked the waiter, "why's the politician soup so expensive?"

And he said to me "you ever tried to clean one of the bastards?"

An elderly lady visits the doctor for a regular checkup...

After the checkup the doctor asks "anything else?" The old gal replies that yes, indeed there is something else but it's quite embarrassing. The doctor assures her that being a doctor, nothing fases him. So she continues "you see doctor, I've got terrible gas, funny thing is its silent and odorless....

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

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An American visiting Spain visited a local restaurant on Sunday. He asked the waiter about the the "Daily Special Cojones".

An American visiting Spain visited a local restaurant on Sunday. He asked the waiter about the the "Daily Special Cojones".

The waiter says, "Señor, every Sunday during bullfight season, we sell Cojones in honor of the bull fights. So yes, today we are selling bull testicles. We know the spor...

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A young boy is visiting his Grandpa for a weekend.

When the young boy arrives he is treated to a great barbeque dinner. Smoked ribs smothered in a homemade southern BBQ sauce, coleslaw, steak fries, and biscuits slathered in butter.

The next morning the boy comes down for a hearty breakfast of bacon, sausage, eggs, and fried potatoes. Before ...

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: ”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.”“In all that tim...

A woman visits a gynecologist

A woman goes to see a gynecologist for an exam. She is a new patient for the doctor so he has to ask her a few questions. She also happens to be very attractive which flusters the doctor.

"So...uh, when was...when was the last time you had...uh, a check up...uh, a check up there?", he asks...

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On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ...

Lawyer Joke

A man is visiting a seaside town and walks into a pawn shop. He sees a large statue of a rat. “How much for the rat statue?” he asks. The pawnbroker responds, “It’s $10 for the statue, but $20 if you want the story that goes with it,” to which the customer replied, “I only want the statue.”

H...

A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer.

The customs officer asks: "Name?"
The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"
The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"
The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."

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Two statues get visited by statue genie

And they get a wish. First one says they want to be alive. And poof! alive they are. Next one thinks about it long and hard and then tells it to genie. Genie nods, statues give each other a wink and they disappear behind some bushes. Couple of moments later there is some grunting heard and it goes o...

My friend asked me how I was enjoying my visit in Oklahoma's state capital

I said, "It's an OK city."

His visit to the eye doctor.

A man was scheduled to go to an eye exam, so he walks in and gets it done. When the doctor walks into the office, he has a concerned look on his face. “What’s wrong?” the patient asks. “Well, your test results don’t look too good” said the doctor. The patient replied, “well can I see them?” The doct...

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.

"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says

"Kajol, my daughter, are...

An alien with magical powers visits earth and announces that he will grant one wish for each person. However, if more than one person makes the same wish, their wishes will not come true.

For example, if eight people wish to become married to the most beautiful woman in the world, none of them will get to do that. Anyone who gets their wish canceled will not get to try again.

The alien sets up thousands of wishing stations throughout the world. Each person will be allowed to t...

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