A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.

When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.

The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide they should...

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.

Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish o...

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.

No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Man visits his psychiatrist with Saran Wrap around his legs instead of pants

Doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"

Why didn’t aliens visit our Solar system yet?

Because they saw the reviews and it only had one star.

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

A politician visited a village ahead of an election

When asking the local residents what is the two biggest issues are someone spoke up from the crowd “we have a hospital but no doctor”

The politician immediately pulled out his phone, dialled a number, spoke briefly, hung up, then told the village attendants a doctor has been sourced and will ...

A German man visits America for holiday.

The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"

The man says: "No, only holiday!"

What do you call it when someone isn’t sure they want to make plans to visit an Indian Casio?

A reservation reservation reservation.

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

"We have two basic needs, honorable Sir", replied the village leader.


"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."


On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not to worry, a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the ...

I’ve been in the army for the last year and I’m home visiting my girlfriend. I come home and find my friend that is an electrician’s work truck outside my girlfriends house.

I guess he’s fixing a “clap-on,clap-off” light bulb because I can hear them clapping from outside.

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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”

“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

An Amish family visits a mall...

...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into th...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.

First visit to Australia

Ken: "What do you think of Australia so far?"

Barbie: "Get these damn shrimp off me!"

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First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

Called my local sperm bank clinic to know what's the best time to pay them a visit.

They said, “Whenever you feel like coming.”

A friend from school came to visit my parents farm. He saw their horse and asked if he could go for a ride. The horse had no saddle so I asked, "You going to ride bareback?"

He replied, "I just want to ride, I don't care what the horse's name is."

What did Santa say when he visited the Kardashian sisters?

Ho, ho, ho.

I visited a monastery the other day...

....and as I walked passed the kitchen, I saw a man frying chips. I asked him, "Are you the Friar?" He replied, "No, I'm the chip monk."

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Doctor Visit

A guy goes to his doctor and complains that he can't get an erection anymore when trying to have sex with his wife.

The doctor ponders the situation, and then asks the patient to come to his office the next day, and bring his wife along.

The next day the guy, and his wife arrive, and m...

A family of cannibals visit China

"What's for dinner, mom?"

"Chinese!"

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

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I visited my sick grandfather the other day to rub butter all over his back...

... after that he went down hill really quickly

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers”.

She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Why didn't the family visit the Louvre?

They didn't have the Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh.

I had to visit a gang member in the hospital

I asked the doctor how bad it was, he was throwin up Blood

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.


Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."


Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"


Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the...

What do you say to a cannibal when he visits the nursing home?

Eat your vegetables

If I was to visit just one capital city it would be Seoul.

If I decided on another one, that would be Dublin. And if I added a third it would be Tripoli.

My friend told me to visit the chiropractor and I was sceptical at first...

...but now I stand corrected.

Doctor's Visit

A man walks into a doctor's awaiting some test results.

The doctor sits him down and says, 'Pick a star sign, any star sign'

The man replies, 'Capricorn.'

And the doctor goes, 'Nah, you got cancer.'

A young boy goes and visits his grandfather for a few days

During the first meal the boy says to his grandfather: "Are these plates clean? They feel kind of gooey."



"They are as clean as coldwater gets them." The grandfather replies.



During the next meal the young boy notices the same thing again and asks "Are these plates cl...

A woman goes to the senior center to visit their father who has Alzheimer’s

She sees him sitting at a table by himself, staring vacantly out of a window. She approaches him, hoping longingly that maybe this time he’ll remember her.

She sits down across from him and asks “How are you today?”

His face lights up and he says “Actually I’m feeling great! How are y...

SO said the new grandkids were coming to visit for the first time! I spent three days child-proofing the house..

They still got in.

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A visiting professor at the University of West Virginia gives a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start," says the professor. "How many have seen a ghost?"

About 20 students raise their hands.

The professor asks, "Has anyone ever...

Two Scottish women are visiting Canada..

When they come across a skunk.
“Ahh look a’this wee thing, it’s well cute!”
“Aye a know but leave it be”
“No but I think I wantit like yoo know as a pet”
“Y’canny be serious lass?”
“I’m taking it home wimme!”
“What on the plane an all?”
“Aye”
“Ach, where y’gonna put it?”
...

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".



"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".



"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

A man is visited by the three ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.

Man: Whaaaaaaat are you three doing here?!?! I've enjoyed Christmas all my life, I've donated to Orphanages and Children's Hospitals every year, I open my mansion every Christmas to my friends, family, and their kids of course, to come together for one jolly ole' party, and hell I just took in this ...

I visited america recently and got very into the culture

A guy walked past me and said 'Have a nice day!' and I did'nt, so I shot him.

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A person, diagnosed with HIV for years, decides to visit a wise old sage.

The person visits the wise man and asks him, "I am very depressed with my life. What should I do? Please gives me guidance, O wise man!"

The old man says, "When life gives you lemons, made lemonade."

The person then walks out.

Days pass by but the person is still as sad with hi...

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

One cop visits another

- Maybe your son will grow up to be a cop like you!
- Bobby? No way, he's... pretty dim. Just watch this. Hey, Bobby! Go check if I'm coming back from work! (to the other man's surprise, Bobby obediently runs out the front door to check the driveway)
- Sheesh, you're right about that, he's no...

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A Philanthropist visits the hospital

There was a very rich lady who gave most of her fortune to a hospital so the Chief of Staff gave her a special tour.

As they are passing one room she sees a man furiously jacking off in the corner.

“That’s disgusting “ she says but the doctor explains the the man has a rare disease th...

Three KGB inspectors decide visit a Siberian prison

They decide to check on three young prisioners who started working recently but were put in prison, and ask them some questions.

The first inspector asks the first prisoner:"How did you get in here?

He answers:"For the past week my clock would wake me up early so I came into work early...

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On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back". Hope he remembers that this year!!

Little girl at the hospital: "Nurse, you've been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?"

Nurse: "Nah, graveyards give me the creeps"

Hey, before you make fun of China, you should actually visit the country...

They won’t let you back in after.

How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?

He used his frankincense.

A man visits his doctor after a severe allergic reaction.

The doctor enters the examination room and asks him, "How are we feeling today?"







The man replies, "Swell!"

I was visiting my granddaughter the other day and asked to borrow a newspaper.

“It’s 2019, we don’t buy newspapers anymore. Here’s my iPad.”

I’ll tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him.

A Visit to the Doctor

Me: Doctor, I can't stop Quoting the Barenaked Ladies.

Doctor: how long has this been going on?

Me: IT'S BEEN...

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Hitler goes to visit a fortune teller

Worried about losing the war he asks the fortune teller,
“I want to know when I’m going to die.”

The fortune teller sits in a long silence and finally she replies,
“I do not know the exact day that you will die, but I can see that you will die on a Jewish holiday.”

To which Hit...

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

I went to visit a psychic,

I knocked on her front door and she yelled

“Who is it”?

So I left

A man and his wife are visiting Russia.

They’re taking a stroll through what’s widely known as a socialist part of town, when it starts to drizzle.

The wife turns and says to her husband, and says, “Let’s go back to the hotel. It’s raining.”

The man scoffs. “It’s not raining,” he says, “this is nothing.”

The wife dis...

What if the real reason aliens don't visit us is because...

...we're a one star planet?

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I went to visit my old hometown the other day and found the house I grew up in. I knocked on the door and asked the owners if I could have a look around. They said "NO!" and closed the door in my face.

My parents can be such jerks sometimes.

The Calendar Had to Visit the Doctor.

It had a terrible year-ache.

An old lady went to visit her dentist

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.

The dentist said, "Excuse me madam, you must be mistaken. I'm not your gynecologist."

"I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.

Stalin was visiting a town (actual joke from Soviet era)

Stalin was visiting a small town in Russia. Huge crowd was there to receive him, holding signs with words of praise for Stalin, Party, Union etc.

Among them, secret police officers spotted a particularly old man holding a sign saying "Thank you comrade Stalin, for a happy childhood!".
...

An old Russian man wants to visit his old friend in Germany.

An old Russian man remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up. He doesn't have enough money for a plane, however, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving. Several hours go by on the empty road and af...

The pope was visiting New York

His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.

"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back....

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

God, bored one day, decides to visit one of his most loyal followers and grant him one wsh.

Follower: Wow, anything I want!?!?

God: Yes, as long as it is in reason.

Follower: OK, can I get a highway from my house to Hawaii?

God: I'm sorry, that would interfere with other people and nature, so I'm afraid I cannot do that.

Follower: Alright, I wish to be able to u...

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The 7 Dwarfs had twin friends, Horny and Serious visiting from out of town.

Doc walks in to the living room and sees one of them with his pants off playing with his junk right out in the middle of the room.

“You can’t be serious” he yells.

“No,” he replied, “he’s fucking bashful.”

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On the first visit with my new psychiatrist...

He asked"so how can I help you?"
"Well doc, I'm having trouble making friends you fucking cocksucker..."

-Dice Clay

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So apparently Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands for Vacation.

When he left it was just called the Islands.

An adorable old woman visits the doctor.

“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.”

The doctor say...

Did you know if you visit musicians graves, you can hear their music backwards?

It's because they're decomposing.

I visited Kenya...

I was in Kenya for holiday and decided to visit a poor village. There I met a married couple who told me about their everyday life. The wife told how she makes clothes for a living and makes 1.75 dollars a day. The husband was a farmer who only made 2 dollars a day.

It broke my heart. I felt ...

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Grandma visit...

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day ...

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An anthropologist visits a local translator in Zimbabwe.

"I'd like to set up a meeting with the nearby Xhosa tribe," he says. "But I haven't had any luck finding them. Can you help me send a message?"

The translator smiles. "Ah yes, it is difficult to find them. This particular tribe has little interest in Westerners. But they will still meet with ...

Why is visiting Taj Mahal before you reach your destination a cure for erectile dysfunction?

Coz it forces you to take the via Agra route

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A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer replies "That...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush today

There's no plaque

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An Englishman visits Africa and heads to a bar

Whilst enjoying a beer, he hears two African blokes having a discussion that goes back and forth repetitively:

African bloke 1: "No, it is woom! W-O-O-M!"

African bloke 2: "No, it is womb! W-O-M-B!"

After a few minutes, the Englishman heads over to their table and interjects....

A man visits a zoo

A man visits a zoo and asks to speak to the director about the new "Rent-an-Animal" program. The zoo has fallen on hard times financially, so they decided to rent some of their animals outside the usual visitation hours. Usually its the small, cuddly ones, but this man asks for one of the elephants....

Went to visit my grandparents last night

And I'll tell you what, really made me feel like an old man myself you know?, I mean, by the time I was done digging I was just about ready to join them myself.

A British man visits a small American family farm... [Long]

And he's impressed at just how much food the farmer is able to grow on his small plot. "This is most impressive!" he says. "It seems like more than one family could eat, old boy! How do you deal with the excess?"

The farmer, a man of few words, replies: "We eat what we can, and what we can't,...

A man visits his 97 year old great aunt at the nursing home.

It’s been several months since his last visit and she was starting to show signs of senility, so when he sees her, he goes up to her and asks “Do you know who I am?”
She looks at him and replies “No, but if you ask the nurse, she’ll tell you.”

The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.

He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

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"You've seen mine every day for the last 30 years," said my wife, "so why on earth do you want to visit the Vagina Museum?"

I replied "because at least they'll let me inside it."

BlackBeard the pirate visited his doctor about some moles on his back he'd been worrying about.

Doc - "It's ok Blackbeard, they're benign"
Blackbeard - "Count them again me heartie, I think there be ten!"...

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

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A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor.

The counselor asks the wife, “What's the problem?”

She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

The husband replies, “Well not exactly; it’s her that suffers, not me.”

I recently visited a restaurant that only serves internal organs.

It was offal

A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant

He heard there was a fishy business.

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A man visited the doctor

The doctor checked his temperature with a thermometer, they were having a chat.

The doctor said ‘Mercury is in Uranus’. The patient replied ‘I’m not into that astrology stuff’. The doctor said ‘me neither, my thermometer just broke’

A old man's children visit him at the same time by car.

His children are parking their vehicles.


The man has parkinsons.

What's a Catholic priest's favorite town to visit?

Du Bois

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding...

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Why is Japan reluctant on letting Trump visit?

Last time a fat man visited 80'000 people died.

A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.

He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?"

"For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies.

"That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.

He extends...

A villager visits a city

He sees two people sitting and having a chat in a wide store that has only a table and a few chairs. He wonders and goes in.

-Hello

-Hi, how can we help?

-I was just wondering... What do you sell here?

The seller wants to have some fun with the villager and replies wit...

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An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”



The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”



While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and...

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A Man Visits His Friend In The Psych Ward

A man went to visit his friend in a psych ward. On the way to his room, he sees a patient facing a wall, pretending to swing a tennis racket. He asks him, "What are you doing?" and the guy says back "I'm a pro tennis player, and when I get out of here, I'm going to play in the Grand Slam." The man s...

Man visits doctor for deteriorating eyesight.

Man: My eyes are getting worse and now I can't even read books.

Doctor, pointing out the window: Can you tell me what is that?

Man: It's.. the Sun, doc.

Doctor: You can go home, your eyes are good.

Man, confused: What do you mean? You haven't conducted any test.

Do...

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Dr Visit

My Doctor told me that I had to stop masturbating. I asked her "Why". She said "Because I'm trying to do an exam here!"

(Now I need to find a new dentist)

Last night I visited a fetishist community website for the first time

Why are there so many dudes called Dom?

I was visiting a mental hospital. Various patients shouted racial slurs at me.

I knew this country had issues with institutionalized racism.

Aliens finally visit the earth

And they're talking about their civilization and planes in universe with a human representative, the subject of Jesus gets mentioned

Aliens: Oh yes, he often visits our planet every now and then

HR: He does? He never came a second time to ours

Aliens: Well, he must not have like...

If your visit of Vietnam's capital was unpleasant...

Then it was definitely an Hanoi-ing experience.

A man visits the house of a new acquaintance.

In the gate to the yard there is a "Beware of Dog" sign and he starts hearing barks. He gets in and locks the gate behind him while he hears the barks getting louder. Looking all around him he can't see a dog so he goes to the door while the barks seem to get closer. At the last second he sees a tin...

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I took a visit to Russia and a random person accused me of being gay.

Shocked, I asked who are you?

He replied Uben,

Uben GettinKok.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.

Agnes goes to the loca...

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

A man visits the doctor, telling him, “When I touch my knee, it hurts, when I touch my arm, it hurts, when I touch my nose, it hurts.”

The doctor says, “Well of course that all hurts, your finger is broken!”

College girl visits the doctor for an exam...

Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra."

So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest.

Doctor says: "What caused this?"

Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love."

Doctor: "Ok you're finished, ...

What do you call it when a team of ghostbusters visit a children’s hospital?

Spawn camping.

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

An American missionary visits a small farming village in Africa...

He's giving his fire and brimstone speech, preaching to all the locals, and they are INTO IT. "He is the light and the way," he says, "without whom we would all be damned to eternal hellfire!"

"Hazunga!" Yell the natives.

"Accept Christ as your lord and savior, or be cast down!"
...

Why did the Pharaoh visit the dentist?

Because Egypt his tooth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two 90 year old men love football

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get ...

Man visits a doctor.

Man: Doc, i keep thinking that I am invisible.

Doctor: Who said that?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly couple visit the doctor for their check up...

The doctor says to the husband, " I will need a stool sample, a urine sample, a blood sample, and a semen sample."

The husband does not hear well asks several times for the doctor to repeat.

Finally the wife speaks up, "Oh honey, just give him your underwear! "

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