UPJOKE
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"God Save the Queen" seems an ill-fitting anthem following the coronation of King Charles III

The obvious choice for the replacement is the "Charles in Charge" theme song.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A great fitting suit

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like thi...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.


A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacua...

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.

(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.)

What does Speedy Gonzales put down before fitting carpet?

Underlay! Underlay!

I saw a Slav who had a fitting username

I told them their username czechs out

It is fitting that Coronavirus started in communist China

because everyone is going to get it.

Four years ago to this day I asked out the most beautiful girl that I had a crush on. Fitting, today was the day I decided to propose to her...

...and she still said no both times.

Why do dancers like loose fitting trousers?

They’re better for ball room.

Can you help me with my wife's bra fitting?

Sam goes into Macy's, to the lingerie department, and he says to the salesgirl, "My wife has sent me in for a Jewish bra, size 34B, and she said that you'd know what I meant."

The saleslady says, "Boy, it's been a long time since anybody's asked me for a Jewish bra. They usually ask me for a...

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