UPJOKE
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Stay Jokes

What's Irish and stays outside all year long?

Paddy O'Furniture

A guy goes with his girlfriend to stay at her parents’ house for the holidays

The couple live in the city and the parents live on a farm. The boyfriend is unused to the quiet country life and after a couple of days he’s pretty bored. His girlfriend’s father comes in and says “Hey young fella if you’re looking for something to do, why not take the dogs out for a bit of hunting...

How did Jesus stay in shape?

Crossfit

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

My dad said 'Son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't.

So i went in and he was right.





I saw my dad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

What kind of dog can stay underwater for a long time?

A subwoofer

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

My doctor advised me to stay away from trans fats.

I guess I should really get off Tumblr

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door b...

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

If Biden is elected, I stay in the country

If Trump is reelected, I stay in the country.

This is not a political post, I just can't leave because coronavirus.

Never let your kids stay with the grandparents for too long

Someone asked my 6 year old what's his age?
He said : With God's will, I will be 7 in November.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens o...

My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home."

I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

An American after staying in London for a month asked a local " Why do British eat like German planes are still flying overhead" ?

The briton replied " why do Americans eat like they have free healthcare" ?

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.

He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!

Where do owls stay on their vacations?

in a hootel

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.

Sincerely,

William, Prince of Wales

How does Putin stay so thin?

He's always purging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn

Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging ...

If there's anyone out there who has no family and is planning to stay home alone this Thanksgiving, please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

Saw the CEO arriving to work in a Ferrari this morning. He noticed i was looking and he told me "if you work hard for this company, if you stay overtime without asking compensation, if you truly believe you can make a difference and instill the same passion into your colleagues...

... then probably next year I'll be able to go for a Lambo"

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies?

I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order.

They will now be known as Knockers

Why did the sweeping brush stay indoors?

Cos it wanted to stay at broom temperature!

I stayed in a hotel last week where the towels were so thick....

I could hardly close my suitcase.

People are taking "Stay at home" quite seriously

My dad who went out to buy cigarettes 20 years ago, just came back home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always tell my kids to stay in school...

but they keep fucking coming back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a porn star do to stay calm on set?

Pictures everyone in their underwear.

Hope you all stay healthy

Cuz the future doctors are cheating in their exams rn

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are sitting at a bar when one says to the other to stay for another drink

Man says, “I can’t. Every time I stay out late drinking my wife is furious.

I can’t even sneak in without her knowing. I shut off my car and headlights and coast into the driveway, open the door silently, creep up the stairs quiet as a mouse, take my clothes off in the bathroom and slide int...

a fly stayed on pence's head for a couple of minutes at tonight's debate

at least the fly knew when his two minutes were up.

/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.

Username checks out.

“Mom, why do you stay with my abusive dad?”

Mom: “Beats the hell outta me”

Stay away from uncle Bob

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to m...

An iguana can stay underwater for up to 28 minutes

Or longer, if you don't mind it dying

Why do bees stay in their hives in winter?

Swarm.

What did they bee say to his wife when they were running late for dinner?

Hurry up honey.

A man is staying in a hotel.

He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry ma'am, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”

The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”

Stay Positive.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
...

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It’s a good thing my brother told me about it

Why did 6 stay away from 7?

Because seven was a registered six offender

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

I went to a garden in Jamaica and saw a sign that says "stay off the grass"

I thought it was just a stereotype about these people

Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.

"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.

"Darling, I don't even know the woman."

Me and my mates stayed up all night last night telling Yo Mama jokes.

She’s got a great sense of humour. Send my love.

Ive stayed in relationships..

Just to avoid doing dishes!

8-year old Alex had a crush on his teacher, so he stayed behind in recess.

The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn't out with the others.

"It's because I'm in love with you, Alex told her.

"Well," the teacher replied - "What If I don't like small children?".

"Then...we'll just have to be careful, I guess".

A man walked into a bar … and stayed there my entire childhood

Yes I’m recycling myself. But I’m in therapy now :)

Trinity: "I really can't stay." Neo:

"Baby it's code outside."

How do celebrities stay cool?

They have fans

How do the Daleks in Doctor Who stay so smooth and shiny?

They EXFOLIATE! EXFOLIATE!

How to stay in class

A college student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What a day. Our calculus instructor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus," the student says. "If she wasn't so drop-dead gorgeous I would have dropped the class already." "So I guess you could says she's easy on the ...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying at a hotel

In the middle of the night, the hotel catches fire. The engineer wakes up, sees the fire in his room, turns on every faucet in his room to flood the place. He says to himself, "ok I've put out the fire," and he goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up and sees the fire. He makes some assumpti...

Stay safe, Stay home.

-Yoda

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

"I don't understand how you always stay so calm when we're having an argument,"...

....a man told his wife. "How do you do it?"

"I stay calm because I know that, even if you get the last word, as you often do" she replied with a shrug, "I'll get to clean our toilet."



"How in the world does that help?" he asked.



"I always use your toothbrush," ...

How does the Mona Lisa stay in shape.

Paint thinner.

My mother in law came for a visit so I asked her - How long do you plan to stay?

Just until I start getting on your nerves, she replied.

Oh, so you won't even stay for a coffee?

What did the mama cow say to their calf when she caught it staying up late?

Hay, it's pasture bedtime!

What does gold eat to stay healthy?

Karats.

A missionary staying in an African village approached by the Chief...

The Chief says,

"Holy man, my wife just gave birth to a white child. Everyone in the village is black, except for you. "

The missionary begins to sweat until he notices a herd of goats outside.

"Chief, every once in a while, God makes his creation different from the others. Loo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long stay at a swanky resort

While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.


Joe approached the man, and seized his hand....

I was staying the night in a haunted pub

Just as the clock struck midnight a ghostly police officer walked in through the wall and across my room and out through the other wall.

Next morning I told the landlord what I'd seen.

"Oh yes," he said, "that's the inn spectre".

I told my colleague to stay positive…

…which, in hindsight, would be unhelpful considering he has COVID.

A new girlfriend asked me "How did you manage to stay single for so long?"

Single Handedly

I went on a fantastic road trip with my friend in his Honda. We just agreed on everything: what to eat, where to stay, what to see and do.

We were of one Accord.

I just opened up a gym where my entire staff asks you a series of annoying questions every so often for the length of your stay.

Welcome to Jehovah's Fitness.

Stay Stay!!!!!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backw...

Where does a con artist stay when camping?

The answer is in the content!

My ex and I only stay together because of shared insurance.

We're friends with benefits.

2019: Stay away from negative people.

2020: Stay away from positive people.

Why did the archeology student stay after class?

He had a bone to pick with his professor.

Stay away

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?


Her: Awww... Yes!!!


Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Well grandma," I said, "this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? "

She shouted, "Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace!"

A couple celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by staying at a hotel.

The couple walk up to the front desk to check-in.
Receptionist: Hello, how can I help you?
The husband holding his wife's hand: I would like your most beautiful room please.
Receptionist: Sure! For how long would you like to stay?
The Husband: 1 night please.
Receptionist: One whole n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it so easy to stay thin in Japan?

easy, last time there was a fat man in Japan a whole city disappeared

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons

where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices." The third man married a school teacher. Dave ...

[Long] HOW DOES THE CHINESE STAY PUT IN ITALY

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, ...

What did Snow White complain after staying for a month with the dwarves?

"I'd rather have a 7 inch one time than one inch 7 times"

How do you stay warm in any room?

Go the corner, it is always 90 degres

My goal for 2022 is to stay positive

That way I can just quarantine at home instead of going to work.

My imaginary friend's coming to stay tonight

So I’ve made up a bed for him

How do chess players stay in shape?

They lift rooks.

Staying safe

A young woman was walking through the park late one night on her way home. Known to be a risky part of the neighbourhood, she feared the worst when a sinister looking man stopped her in her tracks. The man, while eyeing the handbag she had slung on her side, questioned, "where are you heading lady?"...

Putin tried to stay true to his word to kill facists in Ukraine by using a grammatical loophole.

He painted a Z on all his army's vehicles and ordered them to target all the not-Z's

Which kind of berry you should stay away from?

rob-berry

LPT: Stay hydrated and dump your old bong water

SLPT: Do that in one action

How does Bernie Sanders stay so slim?

Inter-mitten fasting.

How do women in the workplace stay cool?

A glass ceiling fan.

Batman says “If you kill a killer the number of killers stays the same”

Who the hell said I was innocent?

Staying at a house that talks.

In a manor of speaking.

To all the Europeans suffering from the current heat wave, here is a reminder to stay strong.

Your ancestors colonized entire countries in much higher temperatures.

If you’re wrong and you stay silent, you’re smart.

If you’re right and you stay silent, you’re married.

Stay safe lads

What are an electrician's last words?

"Hey, what is that cable used f..."

Why should you stay in Ireland if sea levels rise?

Because Cork floats

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate lets his dog drink beer with us every time we stay over.

One time the dog had about 4 or 5 bottles of the stuff in one evening.

I woke up the next morning in his flat to go for a pee and saw the dog lying awkwardly in his basket looking a bit worse for wear. Hung-over, I’m sure.

I said “How you feeling buddy?!” mid-piss and to my surprise ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A ventriloquist goes to stay on a farm....

A ventriloquist goes to stay on a farm and is receiving a tour from the farmer,as they approach the first field full of horses the ventriloquist decides to have some fun with the farmer.
He walks upto a horse and says "so hows things on the farm?"
Throwing his voice and pretending to be the ho...

Why do fish stay in the sea?

Because they know they're Plaice.

what does a devil do to stay fit?

>!exorcise!<

My coffee stays in house

It's grounded.

Where do bees stay while on vacation?

Air Bee and Bee

Bee Gees songs are useful for first aid. Do chest compressions to the rhythm of Staying Alive.

If the CPR fails, it’s time to sing For Whom The Bell Tolls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is dared to stay 3 months in the dessert without masturbating

The man is told that he will receive 1.000.000$ if he can resist in the dessert for 3 months without masturbating
He will get a house, full with electicity, food and water supply for 3 months

The guy then asks:

-But what about sex?

The other guy replies:

-Uhm...you ca...

Jesus died for your sins.

But did He stay dead?

At most, He lost a weekend for your sins.

Formula one drivers stay healthy

Because they breakfast

I stayed at my girlfriends family's place durring the Christmas break.

Her father was being a prick and wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame, because he is a real good looking guy.

Why do female prisoners never stay in jail for longer than 3 weeks?

Periods always mark the end of a sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A manager goes to pay for the stay of an employee at the hotel

A manager goes to pay for the stay of an employee at a hotel.

\- All right, it will be 70 euros for the stay, said the receptionist.

\- Very well, here is the money, answered the manager.

\- Uhm, actually your employee also used our mini bar which will be another 50 euros.
...

How did the Halloween store stay open during the labor shortage?

They operated with a skeleton crew.

When I went to stay with my friend, he said he'd made up the spare room...

Which was true...he didn't have one

It sucks having to stay away from my girlfriend.

Not because of social distancing, she has a restraining order on me.

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

All conspiracy theories were proved wrong. Trump will manage to stay in power by...

... dragging the vote count until 2024!

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