A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

I told my boss that three different companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.

"Do you mind me asking which companies?", he said.

"Sure," I said. "Gas, Electric, and Cable".

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Where does a pirate stay while on vacation?

Arrbnb.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

I watched a documentary on how to stay awake...

It was a real eye-opener.

How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

The first time I went to stay with my girlfriend at her parents house

her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. which was a shame.



because he's very attractive.

What do you say when only one mutant from X-men manages to stay alive?

A-men

What does a username do when its hotel stay ends?

It checks out.

What do you do to stay cool when it’s 100 degrees in NYC?

Dress as a cop.

There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.

It's used in chemical dwarfare.

what does a devil do to stay fit?

>!exorcise!<

The hardest part honestly of me being a single stay at home mom

is probably the fact that I'm a 28 year old man with no children

My brother swears that he has to stay horizontal due to an ear infection and that it's therefore not unreasonable to expect me to cook all his meals.

I'm not sure whether I believe him though as he lies a lot.

TIL children of royalty had to stay a certain distance away from they parents in early England...

It was known as restricted heirspace.

After a long day of travelling, a husband and wife decide to stay in the nearest hotel.

They go straight to bed and are almost immediately sound asleep. The next morning, they wake up and ask for their bill.

"That'll be $300 each," said the manager.

"WHAT?! Why so expensive?!" demanded the husband, outraged.

"Well, there was the car valet, the swimming pool, the sa...

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When you want to stay strong and it's dark, and you feel blood rushing to your head, and it's getting really hot, and it feels like the world is closing in around you, just remember...

... You're a Penis and this is normal.

If I stay at someone's house and they don't have any bread available come breakfast time I will refuse to stay any longer

I'm lack toast intolerant

A man dies and goes to hell. a devil meets him at the gate and tells him to look around and find a place where he will stay for the eternity.

So the guy looks around and notices people in pain, suffering, flames, screams, tears everywhere. He can't find a place for himself so he keeps walking, looking, searching. At one point he looks down and sees a bit of sand...

"Sand, in hell? Weird" he thinks, lifts his eyes up and sees more s...

What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place?

A Roamin’ numeral.

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

Well...you know what they say...What happen's in China stays...

with the Chinese government

Two boll weevils grew up in the cotton fields of South Carolina,One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other was content to stay begind in the cotton fields.

The second, naturally, became the lesser of two weevils.

My dad and I were arguing about my driving. He said I was driving too carefully and to speed up a bit, but I was adamant that I would stay at my usual speed.

In the end, I had to put my foot down.

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

“N...

Why did the Honeydew princess stay and marry Duke Watermelon instead of running off with her true love?

She cantaloupe

What do you call a dog bred to stay underwater for a long period of time?

A sub-woofer

Some of y’all might have a stay-at-home mom

But I have a stay-at-the-store dad

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I couldnt stay with my girlfriend after I found out she had 144 sexual partner in her lifetime.

It was a gross amount.

I just don’t know how shoe companies stay in business

Although, it probably helps being the sole supplier

A student at the karate convention asks a teacher where to stay.

They respond " At the Hyaaaatt ! "

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to...

I could never understand how people could stay up all night...

and then it dawned upon me.

TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV.

It was *Ellen* or rugby.

Why couldn't the surf shop afford to stay open?

It was double overhead!

Whats irish and stays out all night.

Paddy-o furniture!!!

My imaginary friend's coming to stay tonight

So I’ve made up a bed for him

My boyfriend's parents told me "There's no way you stay in a relationship with him!"

So i said "Mom, i'm 18. You can't tell me what to do anymore."

A boy stays home from school one day and catches his mother having a steamy affair...

He is playing in his parents bedroom when he hears his mother lead her lover up the stairs. The boy hides away in the closet. Before things get heated, however, his father comes home early. “Quick, into the closet!,” she yells, and the lover hides inside.

“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?,” asks ...

Stay away from the marijuanas it can cause memory loss

Or even worse, memory loss.

An ant has been living under my keyboard for a while but now I’ve managed to make it stay under only one key

Don’t worry I’ve got it under ctrl

How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

How do cows stay up to date?

They read the moos-paper lmao

My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats.

Guess I can’t go on tumblr anymore.

The Democrats agreed to sign over $6 Billion for the construction of the border wall, on one condition... that Trump stay on the other side.

Trump agreed.



...but Mexicans refused.

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After buzzing about in a public toilet, how long will a fly generally stay sat on a urinal?

Until it gets pissed off.

What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom

At least until you wash the sheets

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

Why did the joke stay on one side of the road

He was too chicken.

My brother came up to me and asked if I knew what they say to Cosby's victims, he said "Stay woke". I asked what about R. Kelly's victims?

"Grow up"

My friend told me that if he held a stone against my arm for 5 seconds, when he released it the dent would stay there for ever. It didn't work,

I'm not impressed.

Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.



They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who

answered the door if they could ...

Why can’t cross-dressers and Slavs stay on beat?

They’re always Russian or Dragging

I'm balding and my girlfriend is going to leave me but she says I can stay under one condition.

I must remane.

My brother keeps drowning despite my numerous attempts to teach him to stay afloat.

What a dense child.

I bought a Dog Once. Named him "Stay".

I Bought a Dog once. Named him "stay".
"Come here, Stay."
He's Insane now

My grandpa always said that if you kill a killer, the amount in the world stays the same...

That's why I killed 2

Why did the Turkish army stay out of Syria?

There were curds in their whey.

A teacher asks one her student to stay after class

A teacher asks one of her students to stay after class.

Teacher: Tom, I know you copied the answers from the student next to you

Tom: Did not

Teacher: Well the student next to you wrote "Yes" and so did you on question one

Tom: So what?

Teacher: And number two he ...

As we stood outside her front door, she kissed me and whispered, "Do you want to stay here tonight?"

"No," I replied, and went home.

Why would I want to stand outside her front door all night?

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

I can see why mary and joseph couldnt find a hotel to stay at

Usually Christmas gets places really busy

Every morning, I stay in bed until I've watched Toy Story all the way through from start to finish.

That way I always wake up with a morning Woody.

Build a man a fire, and he'll stay warm for a day...

SET a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

A boy doesn’t want to go to church on Sunday, so he stays in bed.

His parents are furious that he’s not ready to go so they instead leaves without him. His parents talk to him for a long time about why going to church is important so he promises to go next time.

The next week he just feels so tired and really doesn’t want to go to church. So he hides in hi...

My doctor wasn't really able to stay on subject

it's probably because he has a DhD

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “...

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There was a man who would stay awake 48 hours straight every Saturday and Sunday from midnight to midnight.

When asked why he did it, he said “Sleep is for the week.”

Stay away from G-mail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine

There's clearly a draft in there.

A moral joke, finally!

The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. ...

An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin.

Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.

His friend wasn't so lucky and the male ...

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It’s a good thing my brother told me about it

Two Eskimos light a fire in their boat in an attempt to stay warm.

However, the fire burns through the boat and it sinks, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A young calf went to the deli’s by himself even though he was told to stay home.

He was grounded afterwards.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

The Mayor of a large Russian town is invited to stay with the Mayor of an American town

The two men drink expensive beer and spirits and wine all day, then all the next day and the next until they've drunk non-stop for two weeks.

So the Russian man says: "Ron, we've been drinking for two weeks, how can you possibly be able to pay for this?"

The American points out of the ...

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What does a porn star do to stay calm on set?

Pictures everyone in their underwear.

Why can't the bike stay up?

Because it's two tired! hahahaha

How do basketball players stay cool during a game?

They stand near the fans!

Why did Freddy Mercury stay home from school?

He had a temp of 200 degrees Farenheit.

Your debt will always stay with you...

If you can't budge it.

Stay away from uncle Bob

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to m...

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During my hospital stay a nurse tried taking notes on my chart with her thermometer.

“Great!” She says, “Some dick has my pen!”
I told her, “Urethra gonna have to find me a new nurse, or reread the thermometer instructions.”

My AA sponsor told me to stay away from places where I used to drink

I just sold my car.

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