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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

Play Ball!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to...

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all hired to do movies about the big three classical music composers. The director gives them the choice on who they play.

Bruce shrugs and says, "I guess I'll be Beethoven".

Stallone thinks for a minute and says, "Eh, I'll be Mozart then."

Everyone then turns to Arnold who looks down with a sigh, "I'll be Bach".

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

What instrument can Mike Tyson play with a single finger?

A thimble

What type of animal is the worst to play cards with?

A cheetah.

Why can't orphans play baseball

They don't know where home is

So I was just starting to play Harry Potter - Wizards Unite...

...and was walking down the street. I noticed a young lady at the bus stop was also playing, which sparked a small conversation. She was very cute, maybe in her early 20s. She was telling me all about the professions you can pick from because she just hit level six. I was only level four so it was e...

Why can’t dinosaurs play basketball?

Because they are dead

What rock group has four members that don't play any music?

Mount Rushmore!

Why doesn’t cinderella play sports?

Because she has a pumpkin for a coach, and runs away from the ball.

Why can't you play hide and seek with mountains

Because they are always peaking

Who plays the music in Mordor?

The ORChestra.

Who was the most basic person to ever play the game of baseball?

Al Kaline

Thought of this this morning. Pretty sure it's OC.

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner only had one golf ball...

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." Well,"...

What was Mark Zuckerberg's favourite game to play as a child?

iSpy.

Daddy daddy, i managed to get a role on my school play this year

Dad : What role did you get ?

Son : i gotten the role of a husband with 20 years of marriage.

Dad : aww dont worry son, hope next year you be able to get a speaking role.

A true gentleman knows how to play Banjo,

But doesn't.

My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am..

Luckily I was already up, playing drums.

What is Sean Connery’s favorite sport and when does he play it?

Tennish

I've always wanted to play snooker

But I never had the balls

A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....

No Joke.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

I have a friend who plays the Alto Sax and the Tenor Sax.

He is bi-saxual.

*I will show myself the door*

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A old man and a young man play golf

The young man sees an old man hug an incredibly attractive 24 year old blonde. The woman leaves in a sport car peeling out of the facility wildly while leaving the old man with his golf gear. The old man walks towards the course smiling and seems to be settling up to start his game. The young man wa...

What do you get when you play tug-of-war with a pig?

Pulled pork

Did you know that 80% of people play with themselves in the shower?

The other 20% sings. Do you know what they sing?

I didn’t think so.

Why can't you play games in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs

When flat-earth people play basketball they must be like...

"Yo pass me the frisbee bro!"

Wanna play a game?

>!Peek-A-Boo!<

Jesus, moses and a an old man go play a round of golf.

On the first tee Jesus tees of first. He slices the ball badly into the water. He then walks to edge of the pond and "parts the seas", he walks out into the dry pond and smacks his ball up onto the green.

Moses goes next, he too slices his ball into the water. He goes out and walks on water ...

Why Cant Micheal Jackson Play Cards?

He's Dead

A young lady plays golf

One day a young woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"...

What game do unvaccinated kids play in the swimming pool ?

Marco Polio

let's play russian roulette with a shrink ray! i'll go first

^oh ^come ^on

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band

It was a pretty sweet gig, all i did was stand in the back and ting.

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

If a group of anti-vaxx kids play spin the bottle

Is it considered a mass suicide?

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I asked Oedipus to play a game...

He says “sure.”

“Okay! Kill, fuck, marry: your mom, your dad, and me.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

“I know.”

A game you shouldn’t play single player?

Russian Roulette

What video game do dogs play when up for a challenge?

Barksouls

What does the Muslims play during the Ramadan?

The Hunger Games

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My wife refuses to let me play orchestra music when we’re having sex.

Eventually we came to a different arrangement.

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

What does the kid play with between the train tracks?

With his life.

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

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A 10 year old and Albert Einstein play a game

Both of them will take turns to ask each other a question and if one can't answer the other's question, he has to pay the other a sum of money.

To make the game fair, if the boy fails to answer a question, he only has to pay Einstein 5 dollars, on the other hand, if Einstein fails, he has to...

What position does a pig play in football?

Loinbacker

What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?

Bisaxual

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Why is it that when girls sit on a guys leg and play with him to get him hard it’s sexy...

...but when I do it I’m told to “get off Santa’s lap” and “never come back to the mall again”.

Why don't rabbits like to play the drums?

They're afraid of getting caught in a snare.

When the Pink Panther stepped on an ant, what song did they play?

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant......

Why did Shakespeare use ink when he wrote his plays?

Because he couldn’t decide which pencil to use; 2B or not 2B.

The teacher told us not to play with fire

Now fire has no friends

Looking to play a game of D&D. If anyone is interested, please

DM me

I was hired to be a stage director for a terrible play, so I decided to quit.

I left without making a scene.

What song does Trump play while going to a Mexican family's house?

Ice, Ice, Baby.

My friend lost his acting job in our local play because of his addiction to cocaine.

He kept blowing his lines.

What is Kim Jong Un’s favorite game to play?

Rocket League

What instruments do the most bloodthirsty people play?

Harm-onica and violint.

What game do octopuses play at Hogwarts?

Squiddich

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

I like to play chess with old men in the park

Although it’s hard to find 32 of them.

How do you attract a priest who likes to play guitar?

B Minor!

My fecalpheliac neighbor invited me over to play some board games.

Turns out I've been playing scattegories wrong my whole life.

How do you get two flutes to play in tune?

Shoot one of them.

How do you get two violins to play in tune? Shoot both of them.

How do you get two altos to sing in tune? It doesn’t matter, nobody’s listening.

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

Why can’t you play UNO with Mexicans?

They steal all the green cards

When I realized that the play sucks, I quietly resigned from my job as a stage designer.

I didn’t want to make a scene.

How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. Never split the party.

What do anti-vaxx children play in the pool?

Marco-Polio

Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey?

He is afraid of getting nailed into the boards.

What's Putins favorite song to play for Ukraine.

Crimea-River

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

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A guy wins the lottery. So he decides to live his life like rich people. What does rich people do ? They play golf, so he goes to a country club to play golf.

He didn’t know anything about golf. Didn’t bring a caddie . After an hour of struggling/playing, he gets lost. Didn’t see anyone until finally he sees a girl and asks her..
“ Sorry, to bother you, but I dont know where I am, could you tell me ?”.... “Sure, you are in the 5th hole, Im in the 6t...

David: *plays secret chord*

The Lord: Nice

Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.

Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.

"What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!"

Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf... we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and...

Do you know how PC gamers always can beat console players if they play against each other?

They press the Win-key.

Why the skeletons can't play music in a church?

Because they don't have organs.

My wife just told me, “I’m sick of your word play jokes. Why don’t you write a book instead?”

Me: That’s .....a novel idea.

What do you call a monarch that plays tug of war ?

A drag queen.

Mrs. Jones, can Tommy come out and play?

Now Billy you know Tommy doesn’t have arm or legs.

I know. We want to use him as second base.

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Watching games I want to play on YouTube is like watching porn.

I can’t afford it in real life, so I just watch somebody else do it on the internet.

Guys I had a nightmare

I dreamed that my Fortnite account got deleted.

I was really scared for a second that I played Fortnite.

I want the trumpets from “Uptown Funk” to play in the background wherever I go.

Don’t believe me? Just watch.

Kids I play with love peek-a-boo!

Except they get happy when I hide and sad when I appear

I used to play the Theremin...

...but I haven’t touched it in years

Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.

Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

Boy: "Let's play firetruck game. I will move my hand up your leg till you say RED LIGHT" -Girl: "RED LIGHT"

Boy: "Firetrucks don't stop at red lights"

Why did the fish refuse to play basketball?

He was afraid of the net.

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”

“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf ...

When I was younger my parents used to play hide and seek with me.

It's been 30 years and I still haven't found my dad.

According to Wikipedia, whales play a crucial role in the fragile ocean ecosystem

[cetacean needed]

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A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he's short on cash. He proposes that he plays the piano in exchange for some drinks.

The bartender agrees and the guy walks over to the piano and starts playing. The bartender and patrons are amazed at the beautiful sounds that are produced from this old piano. He plays several songs in a row. After about 20 minutes he walks up to the bartender and asks if that was worthy of a drink...

Where do spiders play football?

Webley Stadium.

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