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A 10 year old and Albert Einstein play a game

Both of them will take turns to ask each other a question and if one can't answer the other's question, he has to pay the other a sum of money.

To make the game fair, if the boy fails to answer a question, he only has to pay Einstein 5 dollars, on the other hand, if Einstein fails, he has to...

When the Pink Panther stepped on an ant, what song did they play?

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant......

What song does Trump play while going to a Mexican family's house?

Ice, Ice, Baby.

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

What game do unvaccinated kids play?

Marco Polio.

Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

When I realized that the play sucks, I quietly resigned from my job as a stage designer.

I didn’t want to make a scene.

How do you attract a priest who likes to play guitar?

B Minor!

Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey?

He is afraid of getting nailed into the boards.

I like to play chess with old men in the park

Although it’s hard to find 32 of them.

My fecalpheliac neighbor invited me over to play some board games.

Turns out I've been playing scattegories wrong my whole life.

My wife just told me, “I’m sick of your word play jokes. Why don’t you write a book instead?”

Me: That’s .....a novel idea.

I play many board games with my girlfriend. But she always wins the board games.

she has monopoly

My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

How do you get two flutes to play in tune?

Shoot one of them.

How do you get two violins to play in tune? Shoot both of them.

How do you get two altos to sing in tune? It doesn’t matter, nobody’s listening.

Looking to play a game of D&D. If anyone is interested, please

DM me

Why shouldn't you play UNO with illegal immigrants?

Because they steal all the green cards

How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. Never split the party.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.

But I got bored and quit because it was just one ting after another.

Why can’t the sailors play cards?

They were standing on the deck

Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.

Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

What do anti-vaxx children play in the pool?

Marco-Polio

Why did the fish refuse to play basketball?

He was afraid of the net.

Boy: "Let's play firetruck game. I will move my hand up your leg till you say RED LIGHT" -Girl: "RED LIGHT"

Boy: "Firetrucks don't stop at red lights"

I want the trumpets from “Uptown Funk” to play in the background wherever I go.

Don’t believe me? Just watch.

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A woman decides to play the lottery

She asks the store attendant how it is played he says you just choose 4 number

The woman asks the attendant for help

The attendant asks okay how old are you?
She says 35

The attendant asks what day were you born?
She says 14

The attendant asks how many childre...

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

They don’t know where home is

How do mexicans play Basket?

Juan on Juan

Mrs. Jones, can Tommy come out and play?

Now Billy you know Tommy doesn’t have arm or legs.

I know. We want to use him as second base.

According to Wikipedia, whales play a crucial role in the fragile ocean ecosystem

[cetacean needed]

Kids I play with love peek-a-boo!

Except they get happy when I hide and sad when I appear

Where do spiders play football?

Webley Stadium.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Watching games I want to play on YouTube is like watching porn.

I can’t afford it in real life, so I just watch somebody else do it on the internet.

I recently bought a bicycle that plays American music when you ride it

It's called a Gerschwinn

Some girls play hard to get

I just play hard to want

Why does the dentist play fortnite?

He likes to floss twice a day

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

A guy wins the lottery. So he decides to live his life like rich people. What does rich people do ? They play golf, so he goes to a country club to play golf.

He didn’t know anything about golf. Didn’t bring a caddie . After an hour of struggling/playing, he gets lost. Didn’t see anyone until finally he sees a girl and asks her..
“ Sorry, to bother you, but I dont know where I am, could you tell me ?”.... “Sure, you are in the 5th hole, Im in the 6t...

Why does T-Rex get to play only when his teammate is in penalty box?

He only scores short-handed goals

Billy wants Jimmy to play baseball.

Billy goes by Jimmy's house to get him to play baseball. Jimmy's mom answers the door.

"Hi, can Jimmy play baseball with us?" Billy asked.

"Now you know Jimmy doesn't have any arms or legs," Jimmy's mom answered.

"Yeah, but we need second base."

What happens if you play country music backwards?

You get you wife, house, and your dog back.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he's short on cash. He proposes that he plays the piano in exchange for some drinks.

The bartender agrees and the guy walks over to the piano and starts playing. The bartender and patrons are amazed at the beautiful sounds that are produced from this old piano. He plays several songs in a row. After about 20 minutes he walks up to the bartender and asks if that was worthy of a drink...

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”

“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf ...

All my friends say that I play the piano very loudly, and I agree with them.

Because after all, that is my forte.

You never want to play poker with Vlad the Impaler

A lot is at stake

I recently read that initially Daniel Radcliffe was the first choice to play Frodo Baggins, but he decided he didn't want to

I bet the producers were glad that Elijah Wood!

If you drop a piano down a mineshaft, what in what key will it play when it lands?

A flat minor.

When I was younger my parents used to play hide and seek with me.

It's been 30 years and I still haven't found my dad.

What type of music do u play on a boat

Rock n Row :D

Pay me $10 and I'll play accordion for you

Pay me $100 and I won't play it.

One day , the scientists decided to play hide and seek. When the seeker started to count , everybody but Newton went hiding. Newton drew a square 1m each side right behind the seeker and stepped into it. The seeker found him immediately and declared "Newton, Newton". But Newton refused to lose.

He said: This square covered an area of 1m2. I'm a Newton on 1m2. So I'm Pascal.

Did you hear about Mike Tyson’s new band where he plays the sewing machine?

They really utilize their thimbles.

What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?

Prankenstein!

Some quantum physicists play twister at a party

Later that day, one of them spontaneously flattens and three seconds later the other is hit by a car: they were still entangled.

My GF plays soccer

I think she's a keeper

What was Micheal Jacksons favourite chord to play around with?

A Minor.

David: *plays secret chord*

The Lord: Nice

If Caitlyn Jenner wanted to play a marvel villain, what would she be called?

Tranos.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

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What’s the most intense way to play dodgeball?

Giving someone a blowjob while riding on the teacups.

A man and his wife play petty games with each other regularly in order to one-up the other.

One morning his wife wakes him up hollering "I'm so much better than you that I even beat you at getting up in the morning".

This continued for some time, as his wife woke him up early and continuously drove home how better than him she was.

One day when he left for work his friend, wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Samuel Jackson applies for the lead role in a play

All he's told is that it's the Greek tragedy, Oedipus, and after 4 gruelling rounds of auditions, he doesn't get the part.

He initially thinks it's because he's black.

He's later told it's because he's a bad motherfucker.

I asked the caveman if he wanted to play poker

He said:

"Deal, me in!"

Why can't you play hide and seek in a Chinese restaurant?

Because of the Peking duck.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

What’s Darth Vader’s stage name when he plays his electric piano?

The synth lord

Went to the park yesterday to play frisbee with my dog.

Think I'm gonna need a flatter dog.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a bull and a band that plays at weddings?

On the bull, the horns are in front and the asshole is in the back.

Which game does Dr Jekyll play best?

Hyde and seek

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.

No joke.

What instrument does Darth Vader play?

The rebel bass.

When I compose songs on my piano, I play multiple notes at once to make my songs longer.

They're extension chords.

Do you want to play constipation?

Sorry, it's not out yet.

(shameless repost of my daughters telling jokes in the back seat.)

My girlfriend and I play this game...

where I try to steal her underwear and take them home without her catching me. I'm definitely winning because I've never gotten caught. In her defense, though, I don't think she knows that we're playing.

Why can't a fish play jump rope?

It keeps getting caught on the line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Golfing with a hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.


"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game ...

I was carrying my ukulele around in its case and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?"

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?

Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?

​

A relative minor

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife likes to dress up for role play. The other night she pretended to fly across the room, then jumped on top of me and shouted “Super Pussy!”

“I’ll have the soup”, I replied.

Shakespeare loved to play video games...

His favorite was Sonnet the hedgehog

What is Robert Kraft's favorite football play?

The rub and tug in the end zone.

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Who plays at a 45 Cent Concert?

50 Cent Featuring Nickelback.

When I was in Africa, I decided to play a little pokemon go until a young black boy stole my phone and ran off with it.

Oh well,

Gotta catch Jemal!

My galfriend and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed.

Me and her, respectively.

I just got my first big acting break in a play about neurosurgery...

I'm a bundle of nerves...

During the last school play I felt funny and came over queasy.

At which point I was told to leave the production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Why do dwarves laugh when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So...

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As a guitarist, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the fun...

My dad likes to play tag.

I'm "it" and haven't been able to find him to tag him for 17 years.

He's an awesome guy and I admire his commitment.

What's R. Kelly's favorite chord to play on the piano?

A Minor

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Golden State Warriors flew to Jamaica to play an exhibition game against a local team.

The Warriors kept on losing the ball and missing easy shots. Kerr, the Warriors' coach was furious, but the players said that the balls were too small, and kept slipping out of their hands.

​

By the end of the half, they were down by 20 points, with Steph Curry, the Warri...

The president of the US and the prime minster of the UK are going to play a game of setback.

Trump may trump May but May may trump Trump.

A nun goes out to play golf (long)

A nun steps into a confession booth and asks the priest to forgive her for she has taken the lords name in vein. The priest say what happened sister?

She explains that she was out playing golf and hit a beautiful drive right into the center of the fairway.

The priest says "Golf can ge...

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again

Edit:
I’m aware it dosnt’ look right the way I wrote it ,but you get the gist

My girlfriend likes to role play

For the past five years, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend

Why doesn't Jesus play hockey, eh?

He's too hung up on lacrosse.

Employees play soccer, managers play tennis and CEOs play golf.

The higher the position the smaller the balls.

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

What do kids like to play in a room infested with ants?

The floor is larva.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife went out today, so I had my hands full watching our daughter. She's kind of a whirling dervish, running around, bouncing off the walls, when suddenly, she stopped to play with my computer, broke the R button and tried to eat it...

She craves anarchy...

What do you call a dinosaur which plays fortnite?

A flossiraptor

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

My son asked me why I only let him play Sim creation screen of the Sims but not the rest

I told him, 'It's character building.'

What do you call someone who plays the same song over and over on his didgeridoo?

An unoriginal aboriginal.

What instrument does a self absorbed person play?

Mekulele

What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?

A hootenanny.

Me and my girlfriend are going to play a special game of "7 minutes in heaven" on New Years Eve

Except instead of a closet we'll be in a bed, and instead of a girlfriend it'll be my hand, and instead of 7 minutes it'll be 30 seconds.