My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.

But I got bored and quit because it was just one ting after another.

Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"

The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.

The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The first guy says, ...

What do you call a game that antivaxxed children play?

Marco Polio

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

What do anti-vaxx children play in the pool?

Marco-Polio

Went to the park yesterday to play frisbee with my dog.

Think I'm gonna need a flatter dog.

Why don't they play poker in the zoo?

Too many cheetahs!

David: *plays secret chord*

The Lord: Nice

Who plays at a 45 Cent Concert?

50 Cent Featuring Nickelback.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

What is Robert Kraft's favorite football play?

The rub and tug in the end zone.

Why can't Mexicans play uno

because they steal all the green cards

Why can't a fish play jump rope?

It keeps getting caught on the line.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

What’s Darth Vader’s stage name when he plays his electric piano?

The synth lord

I just got my first big acting break in a play about neurosurgery...

I'm a bundle of nerves...

Do you want to play constipation?

Sorry, it's not out yet.

(shameless repost of my daughters telling jokes in the back seat.)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife likes to dress up for role play. The other night she pretended to fly across the room, then jumped on top of me and shouted “Super Pussy!”

“I’ll have the soup”, I replied.

My galfriend and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed.

Me and her, respectively.

When I was in Africa, I decided to play a little pokemon go until a young black boy stole my phone and ran off with it.

Oh well,

Gotta catch Jemal!

My girlfriend and I play this game...

where I try to steal her underwear and take them home without her catching me. I'm definitely winning because I've never gotten caught. In her defense, though, I don't think she knows that we're playing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Golden State Warriors flew to Jamaica to play an exhibition game against a local team.

The Warriors kept on losing the ball and missing easy shots. Kerr, the Warriors' coach was furious, but the players said that the balls were too small, and kept slipping out of their hands.

​

By the end of the half, they were down by 20 points, with Steph Curry, the Warri...

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar

No joke...

Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?

Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?

​

A relative minor

Employees play soccer, managers play tennis and CEOs play golf.

The higher the position the smaller the balls.

What instrument does Darth Vader play?

The rebel bass.

What's R. Kelly's favorite chord to play on the piano?

A Minor

My dad likes to play tag.

I'm "it" and haven't been able to find him to tag him for 17 years.

He's an awesome guy and I admire his commitment.

The president of the US and the prime minster of the UK are going to play a game of setback.

Trump may trump May but May may trump Trump.

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

What do you call a dinosaur which plays fortnite?

A flossiraptor

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

Why do dwarves laugh when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

My son asked me why I only let him play Sim creation screen of the Sims but not the rest

I told him, 'It's character building.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife went out today, so I had my hands full watching our daughter. She's kind of a whirling dervish, running around, bouncing off the walls, when suddenly, she stopped to play with my computer, broke the R button and tried to eat it...

She craves anarchy...

What do kids like to play in a room infested with ants?

The floor is larva.

A nun goes out to play golf (long)

A nun steps into a confession booth and asks the priest to forgive her for she has taken the lords name in vein. The priest say what happened sister?

She explains that she was out playing golf and hit a beautiful drive right into the center of the fairway.

The priest says "Golf can ge...

What do you call someone who plays the same song over and over on his didgeridoo?

An unoriginal aboriginal.

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again

Edit:
I’m aware it dosnt’ look right the way I wrote it ,but you get the gist

What instrument does a self absorbed person play?

Mekulele

Why doesn't Jesus play hockey, eh?

He's too hung up on lacrosse.

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As a guitarist, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the fun...

They just invented a mobile computing device that also plays guitar

The "Eric Claptop"

Me and my girlfriend are going to play a special game of "7 minutes in heaven" on New Years Eve

Except instead of a closet we'll be in a bed, and instead of a girlfriend it'll be my hand, and instead of 7 minutes it'll be 30 seconds.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they can't find home.

Someone at a sports event says “In all of my years as a spud, I have never seen a play as amazing as that one”. Who was that someone?

The common tater

[OC] Which football position does a very mean stick figure play?

Offensive Line Man.






Looking for some wording help on this dad joke. Another alternative I thought of has to do with a stick figure that has a shield, with the punch line being “Defensive Line Man”

Looking for a girlfriend that can play with my balls...

The same way that she plays with my feelings

My girlfriend likes to role play

For the past five years, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend

My wife was fed up watching me play with walkie talkie everytime. So she said , "Our relationship is over"

I replied, "our relationship is what?". Over.

A little boy tries out for a play at his middle school.

After auditions, he comes home, and his mom asks him, “What part did you get?”

The boy replies, “I got the part of the Jewish Husband.”

Angrily, the mother replies, “You march right back to that school and tell them you want a speaking part.”

help: iphone 6s freezes but only when i play song "down with the sickness" any ideas??

edit: thx guys, turns out i was in "Do Not Disturbed" mode

I invited my flat-earther friend to play basketball.

I invited my flat-earther friend to play basketball.
He brought a frisbee with him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So...

I've been holding auditions for actors to play a new Fantastic Four team this afternoon...

... it's so stressful.

It's just been one Thing after another.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

6 months into our relationship, I found out that my boyfriend is a huge fan of ass play.

I guess I just didn't peg him for one.

If a person that plays a piano is called a pianist...

Then why isn’t a person who races, called a racist?

Why can’t an autistic kid play billiards?

He can’t pick up cues.

I used to play football in high school

I was Left Out

Doctor one question: am I going to play the piano after the surgery?

Yes of course. Yo will play the piano wonderfully!
That’s great cause I’ve never played the piano before.

I thought I finally found a girl who wouldn't play hard to get.

Then my roommate filled my blow-up doll with helium.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a kid gets a role in the school play

And his only line is "Hark! I hear a cannon!"

Weeks on weeks he's working on his only line, trying different inflections, faces, timing, everything. "Hark! I hear a cannon! Hark! I hear a cannon! Hark! I hear a cannon!"

Day of the show, he's still working on it,"Hark! I hear a cannon!...

Did you hear about that movie star that did hard drugs for an entire year to play an addict in a film?

He's a meth-head actor

I can't stand it when my friend plays Skyrim.

Personally I play a lawful good approach, trying to stay out of trouble, but when I invite Jacob Yu over he goes full-on thief! Always breaking into homes, stealing things, getting fined and thrown in jail. I ask him on occasion if he'd prefer a different playstyle, but he simply prefers this one. S...

Not everyone likes to play battleship

It’s very hit or miss

Why couldn’t the sailors play cards

Because they were standing on the deck

Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?

He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it.
Some people have no consideration for others.

Trying to play video games online is a lot like trying to get laid

If you can't get in, just gotta play with yourself

I was struggling trying to learn to play the song “Take On Me.” Then all of a sudden it clicked and I got it

It was a real Ah-Ha moment

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

A guy plays golf every Sunday morning with his friends...

This coming Sunday happens to be his 25th wedding anniversary. He wants to play golf as usual. His wife wants him to spend the whole day with her. They come to a compromise - he'll play 9 holes first thing in the morning and then come straight home.

The wife is expecting him home at around 10...

Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey?

He keeps getting nailed to the boards.

I used to play guitar in my room when I was a child, and it was my dream to make it big. Fast forward twenty years, and now I play to thousands of people a week.

If only some of them gave me their change.

Writing “Twosday” instead of “Tuesday” is word play

But writing “Twosday” twice is four play

I made a comprehensive list of the things that Homie the Clown don't play.

1. That

Doctor, doctor I'm really fat and when I play music I crash through the wooden support.

It's just a stage you're going through

My wife plays this game with me called Tekken...

Tekken for granted!

What are two ghosts up to when they play together?

Pair of normal activity

Happy Halloween

What do raspberries do when they play instruments

They have jam sessions.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

For me, sex is like a game

Single player

Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.

Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

What is Ben Shapiro’s favorite game to play with friends?

MadLibs

I play poker with my best friend's wife every weekend.

He seems fine with it, but I suspect he doesn't know what I use to poke her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is it when girls play tennis they sound like they're having an orgasm?

Also, why does my girlfriend play tennis in the bathroom?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that t...

If somebody makes a play just to insult someone...

Would it be called a diss-play?

Why do should you always invite two Mormons to play golf?

If you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

How do you get two Piccolo players to play in tune?

Depends which one you want to shoot.

Last week, hubby wanted to spice things up a little, and suggested we play doctors and nurses.....

.... so I strapped him to a trolley, put him in the hallway, and ignored him for 48 hours.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wish my life could play out like it does in the movies...

Pornos count as movies right? Because if not, I'm taking back that wish.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of le...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy and little girl are in the play ground playing when suddenly

The little girl stops lifts her dress and says “you see that?”

The little boy responds “yes”

She says “that’s a vagina. What do you have?”

The little boy stands up and opens his pants and says “ I am not sure, just this dangling thing”

“ Well, what’s called?” She asks. <...

A team of black inmates play basketball against a team of white inmates in prison. The black inmates win. Why?

Home court advantage.

Why should women over 30 never play hide and seek?

Because no one is looking for them

I'm teaching my friend to play poker...

...but he came to me yesterday with a problem. He says "I've been trying to play at the casino and I swear I just can not get away with a bluff for the life of me. It's like they know what I have every time"

Considering myself to be a pretty decent teacher, I think that's strange, so I go ove...

I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?".

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

Why don't kids play fortnite in school?

It's hard to make out where the gunshots are actually coming from

William Shakespeare did not pioneer the modern form of a play

While the format of act 1, then a break, then act 2 was used by Shakespeare it originally came from Spain.

It was initially unpopular in Spain as people were confused by the break in the play as no one expects the *Spanish intermission*.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve f...

When I was a child, my dad used to play frisbee with me every day.

He always said, “This sucks. I wish you were a flatter kid.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf.

The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get.

Why can't Helen Keller play the piano?

Because she's dead.