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Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.

It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.

Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einste...

The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like

My wife tells me that's not what 'You could have a stroke at any moment ' means

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

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The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.

¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

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NSFW My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the D...

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.

Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve f...

Two guys are playing chess.

One says to the other, "How about we make this more interesting?"

So they stop playing chess.

A little girl is playing with Barbie and Thor.

A little girl is playing with Barbie and Thor. An older woman approaches her and asks
"I thought that Barbie came with Ken, not Thor?"

The little girl replies

"Nope. She comes with Thor. She just fakes it with Ken"

Why did Trump play golf after the election ?

Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.

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My husband and son getting competitive while playing games.

Husband said" I fucked your mom"

to which the son replied" I have been deeper inside her than you'll ever be"

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A man was playing golf,

and forgot which hole he was at. He saw a woman ahead of him and asked "Excuse me, what hole are we at?"

The woman replied, "Well, this is 7th and you're a hole behind, so that would be 6th."

The man thanks her and returns to his hole. Smitten, he decides to go talk to her after a few ...

A guy is playing golf with his wife...

They're on the 12th hole and the guy slices his tee shot right into the woods. He trudges into the woods, and locates his ball. it's in a little clearing, but there is a big barn between him and the green.

He takes a good look, and says, "Listen, honey, I think if you hold the barn door ope...

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Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

...

If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff

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I always play Jenga on a first date,

that way she knows how strong my pull out game is

Making love to a woman is like playing a violin…

I don't know how to do it…

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi.

VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I’m not saying it.

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhou...

"Craig, I caught your son playing 'doctor' with my daughter!"

"Oh lord, that kid. My boy didn't do anything inappropriate, did he?"

"I'll say! The co-pay he charged was outrageous!"

One day Grandpa was watching Junior playing with an earthworm..

Grandpa said, " Junior, I will give you $10 if you can put that worm back down in its little hole."

The kids thinks and thinks, then runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm all over and as it gets stiff he stuffs it down into the hole. Grandpa gives th...

Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate...

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Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

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As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.

He was decomposing.

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I had sex for three hours last night. We role-played as doctor and patient,

and I was in the waiting room for two hours and 58 minutes.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

Wanna play Trump’s new Monopoly game?

Every place you land says *Go Directly to Jail*.

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A father walks into a bar with his son and gives him three pennies to play with.

Suddenly the boy starts choking. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the pennies but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father panics and shouts to the bar's patrons for help.

A well-dressed, attractive and seri...

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other.

Johnny and Susie were playing naked, wondering why they have different “parts”

When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole. Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage”

When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had...

Why can’t the Uk and the USA play chess anymore?

Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers

As a 6.2 person alot of people wouldask "wow! Your tall! Do you play basketball?"

At some point I started to reply "wow... your short, do you play miniature golf?"

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

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What video game would Adolf Hitler play?

Mein Kraft.

I like women who are like microwaved Play-Doh.

Hot and non-toxic.

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Little Johnny is playing with his electric train set in the living room…

…and his mom is in the kitchen when she hears him say, “The train has arrived at the station. All you mother-fuckers getting off, get off and all you mother-fuckers getting on, get on.”

She immediately scolds him for the language and puts him in time-out for 30 minutes. He comes back afterwar...

My wife complained about the fireworks that went on until midnight on the 3rd, I told her it was just a little fourth-play.

This just happened and she looked over and told me it was the first actually funny thing I had said in a couple of years so I thought I would post it. I'm sure someone somewhere has said this before but damnit let me relish in this moment.


Bonus, before that the last funny thing I said w...

They played the Macarena, I did the Macarena. They played the Twist, I did the twist. They played Come On Eileen…

…I got kicked out for that one…

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDr...

Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.

"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"

Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.

On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into ...

Have you ever played quiet tennis?

It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.

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A mailman walking down the street saw Little Johnny playing in a pile of shit.

He had it between his fingers and smeared over his body.

The mailman asked him what he was doing and Johnny looked up and said "Making a mailman.”

This pissed the mailman off. He went up the street, saw a fireman, and told him what the boy was doing and what a smartass the kid was. T...

I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby

A woman 14 days into her menstrual cycle starred in a Broadway play

She got a standing ovulation

Moses snd Jesus are playing golf

They come to a 210 yard par three that only a lake between tee and green. Jesus turns to Moses and asks what club would tiger woods use on this hole? Moses says Lord tiger would use a 4 iron but you should use a 3 wood. Jesus pulls a 4 iron and sure enough he ball lands in the water. Moses says I’ll...

I decided to play golf with my friend.

On the third hole he said, "Let's make this interesting."


So we stopped playing golf...

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A guy is playing golf on a new course

After a while he loses track of what hole he is playing so goes to the woman ahead of him and says, "excuse me miss but I seem to have lost track of what hole I'm playing. Can you help me out?" She responds, "well I'm on the 7th hole and you're one hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th." The man...

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians

So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

Play Ball!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to...

A wife walks in on her husband playing on his PlayStation.

"The house is still filthy! I thought I asked you to sweep the house!" she says.

"I did" replied the husband, "I found no hostiles"

A nun and a priest are playing golf

The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.

"Oh God dammit, I missed."

The nun scolds the priest.

"Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blasphem...

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A doctor and his wife were playing golf at the local country club.

While on the 1st tee, his wife drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. The doctor was amazed and exclaimed, "Wow! I've never seen you hit the ball this well before!" His wife replied, "Well, I took lessons."

A couple of days later, the doctor and his wife were on the tennis cour...

-I was playing chess with my dog last night.

-That dog must be exceptionally brilliant!

-I don't know about that, I usually win.

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

The chick I picked up wanted to play doctor

So i sat her on a chair in the hallway and let her wait for 2 hours

I told my wife when I first met her that I play a LOT of golf

I told her …

If it’s a beautiful sunny day I’m gonna play golf

If it’s windy I’ll play golf

If it’s rainy I’ll play golf

If we’re in a minor car accident, I’ll drop her off at the hospital and go play golf…

She said she’s a hooker…

I said you’re probably ...

Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

I used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid

A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel.

By the time I was 15, I owned my own house.

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A cop sees a kid on the playground playing with poop and sand

He goes up to him and asks, "What are you doing, kid?". The kid says, "Making a policeman".
The cop loses his mind, gives the kid a beating and sends him home.
The next day the cop sees the same kid in the same spot, playing with poop and sand.
He asks, "What are you doing?". The kid ...

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

I can play every instrument.

However, I play all of them terribly.

I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...

But he never made it as a wise man

One day, Einstein, Newton and Pascal decided to play Hide & Seek...

Einstein volunteered to be "it".

As Einstein closed his eyes and counted to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the ground around him.

When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said "I ...

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

I’m never playing videogames with Jesus Christ again…

… it took him 3 days to respawn.

Two old men playing golf

Two old men are out on the golf course one morning playing their usual round of golf when a funeral procession comes down the street next to the green on which they are putting. One of the old men notices the procession and immediately stops in the middle of his putt. He calmly steps away from his b...

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A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor too his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left. "I fucking missed again!...

One day, a mother sees her daughter playing with Barbie and GI Joe. The mother, perplexed, says that she thought Barbie came with Ken.

The daughter says, "No, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She only fakes it with Ken."

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, ...

Playing Oregon Trail.

You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin’ Terry.

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Two women were playing golf

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and i...

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, ...

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Husband is late returning home from playing golf

"Wife" - "Where have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!

" Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey... but you probably don't want to hear the reason.

" Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW !

" Husband - "OK, Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Club...

I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

What do Australians say when they play chess?

Check, mate!

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Dave accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Frank's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Dave upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Dave...

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.

No joke.

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My sister was playing Truth or Dare with her friends.

I listened from behind the door. The bottle landed on my sister and she said, "Truth."

"When was the last time you had an orgasm?" her friend asked.

My sister replied, "A week ago."

I burst in through the door and yelled, "I knew you were faking it last night."

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Having sex is like playing bridge

If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I do...

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Two men are playing golf

Two men are playing golf and they're stuck behind 2 of the worst and slowest golfers they'd ever seen.

After several holes, the one guy has had enough. He stomps up over the hill to tell them to play faster, let them play through, or get the hell off the golf course!

He comes back a mo...

What do kids play when they got nothing to do?

Bored-games

What kind of instrument does a conman play?

The Lyre

Which sport does the grim Reaper play?

Sickle Ball

David: *plays secret chord*

The Lord: Nice

Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game

Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.



The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."



So the couple w...

I went to a wedding and they played "The Twist" so I did the Twist, then they played "Macerena" so I did the Macerena then they played "Come On Eileen"

And was asked to leave.

Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?

A: Because they don't know where home is.

A woman is playing golf...

... when she gets stung by a bee. She goes into the clubhouse and tells an employee what has happened:

Woman: "Hello, I was stung by a bee."

Man: "Where were you stung?"

Woman: "Between the first hole and the second hole."

Man: "Your stance is too wide."

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

Three cows were playing poker while smoking weed

The steaks were high.

My son told my husband he got a part in his school play & he’ll be playing a man who has been married for 25 years.

My husband replied, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.

Why does Elton John play the piano?

Because he sucks on an organ.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing golf.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest sa...

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A guy wins the lottery. So he decides to live his life like rich people. What does rich people do ? They play golf, so he goes to a country club to play golf.

He didn’t know anything about golf. Didn’t bring a caddie . After an hour of struggling/playing, he gets lost. Didn’t see anyone until finally he sees a girl and asks her..
“ Sorry, to bother you, but I dont know where I am, could you tell me ?”.... “Sure, you are in the 5th hole, Im in the 6t...

Google's app management app is called "Google Play" and their payment app is called "Google pay"

Their navigation app should be called "Google Way"

I play a brand new position in baseball!

Left Out

Two blokes are out playing golf

Jim and Dave are playing golf one day when they come to the 8th hole there are two women teeing off.

Jim turns to Dave and says "go ask if we can play through"

Dave takes off towards the two women but only makes it about ten paces before he turns around and comes back

"What's t...

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(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

Why don't you want to play Uno with Donald Trump?

He takes away all the green cards.

I asked my wife if I could play doctor

I left her waiting 45 minutes then gave her 2 minutes of time

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

I was auditioning for a play today, and the director yelled at me. He said my acting reminded him of a female reproductive organ! Needless to say I stormed off…

But after I thought about it, I went back. I had to apologize for ovary acting.

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Little Johnnie is in the living room playing with his train set…

when his mom overheard him in the kitchen yelling “alright you sonsabitches! Everyone headed westbound to Memphis, get your asses to platform number 9! And for all you motherfuckers going eastbound to Raleigh, head your big asses to platform number 10!”

Mom comes in fuming…

“JOHNNIE!! ...

Young Arnold Schwarzenegger is selected to play a horse in his school play with another kid

The costume consists of two parts. The front part and the rear.

So the kid says: "Ok Arnold, I'll be the front."

So Arnold agrees and says: "I'll be back."

Jesus, Mohammed, and Moses are all playing golf.

Mohammed tees up first, hits it nice and straight onto the green. Moses tees up with a nice clean shot, and his ball also lands a few yards from the hole.

Jesus tees up, and completely whiffs it. The ball rolls a few inches off the tee.

Suddenly, a gopher pops up out of the ground, g...

Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?

It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from

Man injured playing Peekaboo

Taken to the ICU

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Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf.

The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get.

One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano.

*Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The*
*bartender replied that inside the closet there is a* genie *that will grant him a single wish.*


*The man* dashed *into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside.*


*Wit...

Where do pirates play videogames?

The arrrrghcade!

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He's been playing. She's been played.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One afternoon, they took off for her house where they made love for hours. Exhausted from the wild sex, they feel asleep, awakening at 8:00 P.M. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through th...

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Hitler play table tennis?

Because he's dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is playing hide and seek like having sex?

After 10 seconds I yell “ready or not, here I come!”

You know how i know you play bullet hell?

You don't own any umbrellas for rainy days.

My own play on a joke

Why did the chicken cross the road. Because Chicken had a job interview. Chicken failed. "Chicken winged" it. Chicken failed more jobs. Chicken lose money. Chicken lose house. "Chicken strips".

Two scientists are playing Minecraft.

Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist.

Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted?

Scie...

Four men tried out for a local play

and got the parts of mints who were all down on their luck and had no money. The critics hated it and said it was a really bad poor four mints.

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

Never play poker with a toilet

They get too many flushes

What time does Sean Connery usually play racket sports?

Ten-ish

Why does Helen Keller play piano with only one hand?

Because she uses the other one to sing

The recent widow is on trial for beating her guitar-playing husband to death. Seeing she has no record, the judge asks "first offender?"

She says "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

I used to play piano by ear.

I had to stop because of the bruises.

Child's play

When one of his employees didn't show up to work one day without phoning in, his boss called his home phone number, and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello?"

The boss asked "Is your Daddy home?" to which the small voice replied "Yes".

The man asked "Can I please speak to him?",...

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I almost played craps at the casino today...

... but the game looked a little dicey.

(Just made this up lol)

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band

But I had to quit as it was just one ting after another

What do you call Bob Ross spinning around in circles at a theatre play?

Aphrodisiac

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Frank and Pete are playing outside

Frank asks Pete: hey Pete -, do you know what a penis is?

Pete thinks about it but doesnt know either.. :"i'll quickly ask my dad - he knows everything.

Pete finds his dad in the kitchen and asks;, "Daddy, what exactly is a penis?"

His dad is kinda overstrained and struggles to...

What Do You Call a Young Pirate Who Loves to Play Music?

A Cee Minor!

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." ...

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