"I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish."

"What is my wish?" you ask?

"That somebody would give me two million dollars."

A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.

"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner.

"Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse - good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse - mostly good for companionship."

"That soun...

What’s it called when the person delivering your baby suddenly becomes squeamish and can no longer fulfill his/her duties?

A midwife crisis

A man exclaims, "I would die to fulfill my quest.. to create the perfect grain blend. I would make..

..the ultimate sack of rice."

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Trump may not fulfill all of his campaign promises...

...but he sure is making Saturday Night Live great again.

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Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

A cabbie picks up a nun.

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.


She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and ha...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

Dear God: As we approach 2020

Feel free to fulfill that 2012 Prophesy

A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving.

A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.

A man deserves a woman who he enjoys spending time with, who can fulfill his desires, and who can cook.

But most importantly, he must make sure that these women never meet.

Someone’s lived a good life and wants to be cremated.

Why not fulfill their wishes, they urned it

Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.

"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."

Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredib...

A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say...

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A teenager was standing in front of a recruiter, about to sign his life away to the Marines.

The recruiter promised him adventure and action, and the teenager was buying it all up. He finished his training (Semper Fi!) and was immediately given his first posting: he was going to Afghanistan. Being an FNG, the Devil Dog worked long and worked hard, but by the end of his tour, he felt he had ...

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3 guys go see a prostitute....

A Greek guy, an African-American guy and a Jewish guy go to see a prostitute. She said "$50 for anything you want, but your request has to be 3 words long." The Greek guy says "In your ass." $50 and she fulfills his request. The African-American guy says "Suck my dick." $50 and she fulfills his requ...

A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven.

He proceeds through the Pearly Gates, and is confronted by God, in all his glory.

God - “With my everlasting knowledge, you may ask me any question, and I shall fulfill you with the answer.”

Conspiracy Theorist - “God, I have to know, who really assassinated JFK?

God - “well, t...

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

When she really died the next day, the King wanted to get the astrologer killed as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.

The guards brought the astrologer to the c...

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An elderly man, feeling ill, goes to the doctor with his wife.

The doctor examines him, then asks to speak to the wife alone.

"What is it, Doctor?"
"I'm sorry to say, your husband is terribly ill and only has a few months to live."
"Is there anything we can do?" the wife asks in desperation.
The doctor thinks, then says "Well... there is ...

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Once upon a time, there was a man named Really...

This man, though not exactly stunning, was so incredibly charming he could basically get whoever he wanted. Really, however, was particularly in the mood for sex once he turned 18 and turned to the apps to find a date to fulfill his needs.

He swiped right on a few chicks. Cary, Anna, Beth, J...

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A man was lost in the desert

With nobody by his side apart from his trusty camel. The man walks miles and miles, maintaining his needs by eating the flesh of dead animals and drinking from the oasis' scattered across the lands. However the one basic need he is unable to satisfy is the need for sex. After several days the man ca...

(long) A man with no arms is looking for a job...

... and the only listing he can find is a position ringing the bell every Sunday at a local church. He inquires about the job with the priest in charge of the church, and the priest immediately expresses skepticism that this man can do the job without arms.

"Father, has my absolute word that ...

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Corey was feeling very cold during his entire life.

One day he died and went to Heaven. Meeting St. Peter at the Heaven’s Gate Corey asks him.

\- St Peter, I was freezing all of my life and was dreaming about how warm it would be in Hell if I could get there. Can you please send me to Hell so I would get some warm?

\- You’ve spent quite...

A giraffe walks into a Californian bar....

And says to the bartender "I'll have a bourbon and coke and 27 straws please, all joined together to make one large straw" the bartender, while perturbed, fulfills the giraffes order. Painstakingly joining all straws together.

The next day the giraffe comes back and orders the same. T...

A boy walks into an ice cream shop and asks the attendant

"Do you have pea ice cream?"

"No" he replies.

After a week the same kid goes back to the ice cream shop and asks: "Do you have pea ice cream?"

"No" he replies. "That's ridiculous."

After a few days, the same boy walks into the shop and asks the same question, getting th...

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3 stoners buy a horse

3 stoners buy a horse.

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the...

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Voodoo dick

A married couple is very happy in their life, but the husband took a new very lucrative job that is going to keep him away from home for weeks and possibly months at a time. He loves his wife and understands that she will have certain... needs while he's away, so he tells her, "Take the credit card,...

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Adam was lonely

He said "God, all the creatures have their mates but I am alone".
God thought for a minute and said "I will make you a perfect companion. She will be lovely, kind, attentive and will fulfill your every desire. I'll need from you two fingers, a kidney and one of your testicles".
Adam thought fo...

The Baker

A Baker specializing in making Rye bread is disheartened. He works long hours and while his wages are decent, they are nothing special. He wants to strike it rich and make something of himself.

He hears that a lot of money can be make for trapping in the Canadian wilderness so he sells his ba...

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The nudest colony. NSFW. Long.

A man retired after over 30 years working for the Postal Service.

He decided that he was going to fulfill his lifelong desire to join a nudist colony.

After some research he found a nude beach that fit all of his criteria. On one beautiful Saturday he decided to go and visit. He arrive...

A catholic soccer fan man goes to church before every match of his team

And he always prays to a Saint Peter statue and asks it for making his team won.

"Please San Pedro, if my team won this match, I swear I will give you $100".

And because his team is very good, they usually win every match, and the man always fulfill his word and bring the $100 and ...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

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John really loves black women, but can never seem to date one. He seeks help from his friends.

He meets up with them: "Guys, I am 27 years old. Soon I'll settle down with a nice girl and build a family. But whatever happens, I really want to date a black girl. I fear that when I'll get married, I won't ever be able to fulfill this desire of mine."


Robert, his stoner friend, suggest...

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There are these two beautiful marble statues on either side of a big open piazza

For centuries they have stood frozen, starring longingly into each other's eyes.
One day the gods look down upon them with pity and decide to grant them one hour of mortal life. The statues, overwhelmed with joy, rush across the square and into each others arms and immediately run off into a bush...

A man walks into a bar with a suitcase..

..and orders a drink. Bored, he opens his suitcase and takes out a piano and sets it on the table. Then he reaches back into the suitcase and takes out a tiny man in a tuxedo. The tiny man immediately starts playing the piano.

The bartender is impressed. He says, " Wow! Thats amazing! Where ...

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Sandwich crisis

3 men sitting on a metal beam at a building site, complaining about their sandwiches, one is English one is Scottish & ones Irish.

Scottish man says "ugh cheese again if I get this tomorrow I'm leaving my wife"

Next day the Scottish man gets cheese and phones his wife saying to pac...

A guy decides to wander the desert for 2 weeks with only supplies and a camel.

After a week though, he starts thinking about women and gets aroused. Considering he’s a week into his solemn stroll, he tries to think of a solution to fulfill his needs. The only solution he could think of was the camel.

He pulls down his pants and begins to try to ... seduce ... the camel...

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Superman was flying around Metropolis...[slightly NSFW]

Superman was flying around Metropolis one day using his Supervision to stop wrongdoers. As he is flying by the beach he spies Wonder Woman sunbathing face down, completely naked. So he thinks to himself, "I'll never get another chance like this I've always wanted to Superbone her so here's what I'll...

There was once a marching band director named James

James had a passion for music, but also a notoriously bad temper. One day during practice, one of his trombone players kept playing out of tune. After the third time yelling at him, James decided to come down and beat him over the head with the trombone, and James ended up killing him. The trial was...

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A marine hero gets back home and the president grants him one wish for his effort

The president said that he would fulfill any wish the hero marine asked for.
"I want 50$ for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls"- said the marine.
The president, a bit surprised, accepted.
They started measuring him and saw that he has no balls.
"Where are your balls?"- they...

Since Carrie Fisher's death, I feel sorry for Kylo Ren.

How will he fulfill the other half of his Oedipus complex now?

[Long] Depressive man meets genie.

A depressive man is walking through the park. He's depressed 'cause of the recent divorce he went through. He kicks an old can that's laying in front of him and BANG - there's a Genie who grants him 3 wishes. The sad part is, that for everything he wishes double goes to his ex-wife.

The man s...

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Two Italian brothers are in a hospital room while one of them is dying

Giuseppe and Arnaldo are sitting in the hospital room that will be Arnaldo's last room to occupy. They're both grief stricken and unsure of what to do.

Giuseppe decides to make him an offer.

"Arnaldo, my brother... I live you very much. I want to fulfill your dying wish. Name one thing...

swimming pool wishes

At a swimming pool: Three guys climb a high-dive tower and meet a good fairy who offers to fulfill a wish for each of them. One jumps and says, "Beer!" - and the pool is full of beer. The other one jumps, says, "Money!" and the pool is full of money. The last one starts to jump but slips and, fallin...

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So a man walks into a pub he's never been before...

As he walks up to the bartender he sees a big jar full of 50 dollar buck bills. Wondering what the story behind it might be he asks the bartender:" Mate, what's that jar for and why does it have so much money in it."

"Well", the bartender replies with a smile "it's a challenge bet, which is ...

Three wishes

A tourist walks on a secluded beach and sees a disheveled woman in torn clothes and absolutely hysterical.
He calms her down so she is coherent and asks what happened.

She tells him that she found a sealed bottle, and when she removed the seal, a genie came out and said "You freed me after...

There was once a skeleton who enjoyed comedy...

Jokes and humorous anecdotes were his life. He watched every big comedian on TV, devoted many hours after work to finding new comedy clubs with new comedians. There was nothing else to his life but comedy.

One day, the skeleton is going through the back alley to a small, unknown comedy club, ...

An ugly man is walking through a forest when he trips on something.

He bends down and pulls a lamp out of the dirt. He rubs the lamp and sure enough, out pops a genie.


"I will grant you one wish for freeing me from the lamp."


"Well, as you can see, I've had trouble meeting women. I'd really like to find a wife and settle down. For my wish, I...

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A man, his wife and his old father..

lives in the same house. One day man take his sick and old father to doctor. Doctor made some test and told them old man has just 10 months to live.
10 months later his father dies.
After some time man's wife get sick and he takes her to same doctor. Doctor inspects and makes some tests than t...

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The dirty joke from 'Freaks and Geeks'

A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her sex life. Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.

She looks at him ...

A fine Lamborghini

A guy wanted to buy a Lamborghini. It was his lifelong dream. One day he achieved gathering enough funds to finally fulfill his ambition. He had dubious means of making a living (due to his burning desire to be the proud owner, nay, carer of a Lamborghini), so he went to the dealership (which was no...

A child once ask a man in a hospital whether he likes vegetables

The man did not react, so I told the child to fulfill his curiosity.

"He is one"

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A partisan joke for election day

Jacob, Jonah, and John aren't getting along very well in Heaven, and one day God gets tired of it and kicks them out. "I'm sick of you guys bickering. You don't appreciate the gifts I gave you. I want you guys to do something amazing. Work together and do something for the record books! As soon...

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The Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the West coast of Ireland lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the village’s only undertaker who also happened to be the local p...

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My wife and I tried to join a catholic church...

We met with our town's catholic priest this past Sunday to talk about becoming catholic. He gave us a long list of requirements we would have to fulfill (what we could/couldn't eat, say, do, etc.) and at the end of our meeting he said, "Oh yeah and one more thing, until next Sunday you must abstain ...

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The Great White Hunter

A wealthy American man has retired and is entering old age. Fearing that he hasn't lived his life to the fullest, he decides that the first thing he will do with his funds will be to fulfill a childhood dream of his: to go hunting in Africa and take down a gorilla.

He promptly arranges a flig...

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The Tale of 2 Statues

There are 2 famous statues that reside in a park. These 2 stand facing each other with a path running between them. The artist who created them did so with such love for one another that even angels began to take notice. One day an angel came down from heaven and brought the statues to life.
T...

Honey, before it starts.

-Honey can you bring me a beer before it starts?

She brings him a beer.

-Honey can you pass me the remote before it starts?

She passes him the remote.

-Honey can you put my work clothes in the washer before it starts?

She gets up and puts his working clothes in the...

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My first joke, probably sucks

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

Adam: God, I appreciate everything you've done for me, but this earth is kind of lonely.

God: Well Adam. I can create for you a beautiful woman who cooks and cleans and fulfills all your desires.




Adam: ooooh sounds expensive. What's it gonna cost me.




God: An arm, leg and your right nut.




Adam: What can I get for a rib?


...

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A man goes on a cruise...

A man goes on a cruise for vacation one year, and during a bad storm, the ship sinks. The next day, the man wakes up on a desert island to find that the only other survivor is Scarlett Johansson (who happened to be on the same ship). Despite his predicament, the man is ecstatic.
Well, several w...

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The Beggar and the Blind Woman

Three homeless men, down on their luck, were looking for a meal by knocking on doors around a fairly wealthy neighborhood. After being rejected several times, they came to a 2-acre, unkempt property. They were greeted at the front by an old blind woman.

"Excuse me ma'am, but would you be abl...

A man lying on his deathbed called his three best friends to his side.

A man lying on his deathbed called his three best friends to his side. They were his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor.

"I am going to die tonight, and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you *can* take it all with you. So to you, my three most trusted friends, I’ve put 50,000 dollar...

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Three men are trapped on an island...

Three men were trapped on the island. One was an American, one was a North Korean and the other was South Korean.
They were wandering around when they came upon a town of cannibals. They were tied with a rope. The Chief came out and said that the punishment was spanking their ass with a huge woo...

So there are three prisoners

who have all been sentenced to twenty years behind bars. They are all allowed to have a few items in their cell. The first prisoner asks for a pile of law books, the second for his wife, and the third for three thousand cigarettes. When they are released the first prisoner walks out happy and says, ...

Funeral director joke

A man died one day and his wife went to the funeral home to make the necessary arrangements. The funeral home director asked her if there's anything she thinks her husband would have wished for his funeral.

"Actually there is something", she said. "We've always had this plan that one day we'l...

Bridge to England

A man who goes around a harbor in Denmark, looking longingly towards England, as he has always dreamed of visiting. The problem is that he suffers from a severe fear of flying and being utterly seasick just at the sight of a ferry. So it is a little difficult to get he dream of England fulfilled....

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