UPJOKE
playclashconfrontationmeetskirmishchanceshowdownduelbattleexperiencefacefightcombatcontendbrush

Encounter Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I encountered a milf at a bar last night

Although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy.

We were drinking, chatting, laughing and having a good time.

Then, she asked me flirtatiously...

"Have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet."

She drank a littl...

A man has an encounter with God

The man has a vision, where he is able to see and talk to God.

The man asks him, “God, how long is 1000 years to you?”
God replies, “My child, 1000 years for me is the same as one minute for you.”

Fascinated by this, the man asks a similar question. “God, how much is $100,000,000 t...

Idk if this is a repost but here goes

A psychiatrist is talking to one of his most difficult patients. "Let's go back to what you said last time, about how all of your troubles began, what was it, a year ago?"

"Sure thing, Doc. Well, as I said, I had gotten into the Airbnb scene at the time, and I had a couple of, "tenants", as i...

Walking in the woods, I encountered a naked man wearing a fine silk hat.

"Excuse me, sir, but why are you naked?"

"Well, why not? No one ever comes back here."

"Well in that case, sir, why the silk hat?"

"Well, you never know. Somebody might."

Yesterday I encountered a woman with a very extravagant dress, flawless skin, and a really fancy purse.

I avoided her since I thought she would judge me by my appearance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a merchant named Steve who came up with a brilliant plan to make a huge profit transporting peanuts

Once upon a time, there was a merchant named Steve who came up with a brilliant plan to make a huge profit by transporting over 100kg of peanuts to a state facing a severe shortage of nuts and fruits.

As Steve approached the state's border, he encountered a police checkpoint. An officer...

I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run

If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aliens Encounter A Gas Station

Two aliens from outer space come down to Earth and land next to a gas station. They debate who to talk to and approach a gas pump. The one alien commands, "Take me to your leader." Nothing happens. The alien gets angry, points his ray gun and says, "Take me to to your leader or I'll zap you to dust!...

Probably the longest joke I know

So this man is driving in his car to work, and he hears this beautiful noise that he needs to immediately hear.

He drives to the noise and it brings him to a church where he encounters a priest, the noise is louder now, he asks the priest:

“What is that noise? It is so beautiful!”
<...

What happens to German hackers when they encounter anti-cheat software?

They get an autobahn.

(*LONG*) A 6 year old girl wouldn’t stop sucking her thumb, much to the chagrin of her mother.

After trying everything she could think of, the mother, in a moment of exasperation, finally told her: “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, you’re going to blow up like a balloon!!”

Somehow this scared her daughter enough that she stopped sucking her thumb.

Several weeks later, they...

I wasn't expecting to encounter a bridge on my commute

But I got over it

A Christian missionary walks through the savannah when he suddenly encounters two lions.

The two lions seem to be hungry, so the missionary does the thing he knows best. He kneels down and prays: "Please god make faithful Christians out of these lions."

He looks up and witnesses the two lions lying on the floor with folded paws speaking:

"God is great!

God is good!...

What do you do If you encounter a bear

If It's brown, lie down.

If It's black, fight back.

If It's white, say goodnight

If It's black and white, you kung fu fight.

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of friends encountered a swimming pool

Upon approaching a genie popped up and told them it was a magic pool. "Just jump in and mid-jump ask what you would like the water to turn into".

The first friend ran up to the pool, took a leap, yelled "BEER!" and what would you know? He landed in a pool full of beer!

After he got out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surpri...

A family go to the zoo

They're excited to see all the exotic animals, birds & reptiles. The first enclosure is empty, totally deserted. Unperturbed they carry on to the next one.. again it's empty!
Every single enclosure, cage, run and avery they encounter is empty, deserted and unkempt..

Except, right besi...

Sure Wish I Could

On a blistering hot day, two men are walking down the street
They encounter a dog on its back, licking its crotch.
After watching a bit, one guy says, "Sure wish I could do that."
His pal replies, "Go ahead, but first make friends with the dog."

My encounter with the cop

So I was driving down the road when a cop stopped me, looked at me and asked "You drinking?"
I said "You buying?"








Guys I need bail money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Irishmen are on a cruise when the ship encounters trouble.

The ship breaks in two and sinks rapidly and the two Irishmen are the only survivors, having secured a small lifeboat. They are adrift at sea with no land in sight. Suddenly they see something floating on the waves. It's a small, ancient lamp, and when they retrieve it and dry it off a genie suddenl...

Albert Einstein once said: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

He was probably talking about the 18th Amendment.

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit is running around the woods

When he encounters and elephant, who was just about to light a joint.

The rabbit yells: "No!! Are you seriously gonna throw your life away like that? Come run with me, that's way more healthy!!"

So the elephant starts running with the rabbit, they run through the woods until they enco...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.

Fortunately, they encountered a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and something to eat.

An old, hideosly ugly woman opened the door. H...

The talking horse

A man is riding his moped on a dark evening along the countryside. At some point his moped's engine starts to stutter and dies. He's now forced to push his moped along this poorly lit road all the way till he gets home.

At some point, somewhere out of the dark, he hears a voice yelling "greas...

In 1996, Peter was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.



He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arab guy living in the desert

Who is a specialist in hunting some rare type of birds for food, he usually catches a lot but since it was a rough season he would be blessed to even catch 1 bird, one day he got very lucky and caught 2,

As he was heading home, he encountered a stranger who was lost, the guy offered him to st...

Two covid deniers are taking a walk in the woods when they encounter a sheep...

Two covid deniers were out taking a walk in the woods when they discovered a sheep with its head stuck in a fence.

The first denier pulls down his pants and gets to business.

Completing, he turns to his friend and said, "Now it's your turn."

The other covid denier then sticks hi...

Golf Course Encounter

A man, while playing on the front nine of a confusing golf course, became lost as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his predicament and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are strolling along the Seafront…

Three men are walking along the seafront when they encounter a mermaid lazing about in the surf below them. The mermaid seems friendly, and the men are amazed at seeing this beautiful woman, so they strike up a conversation with her and make their way down to the beach.

Eventually, the first...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first husband was a much better lover, the wife said after a rather disappointing sexual encounter.

Of course he was, the husband replied. He had a much younger wife.

Had an encounter with dyslexic witch..

I am safe cause she couldn't spell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his son are jogging when they encounter a tourist.

Son, being well versed in over 3 languages wanted to show his dad that learning new languages always helps you.
The tourist did not know english, but tried to explain the dad to show him the in spanish. The father couldn't understand. So the tourist tried french, but still no answer. Then ge tri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish rope merchant from New York was trying desperately to sell some of his goods in Louisiana. But wherever he went, he kept encountering Anti-Semitism.

In one particular department store, the buyer taunted him:

“All right, Jew. I’ll buy some of your rope. As much as reaches from the top of your big Jewish nose to the tip of your little Jewish penis.”

Two weeks later, the buyer was startled to receive a shipment containing ten thousand...

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

My Encounter With My Step-Mom

My step mom came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off. So I took off her blouse. She said, “Now off with my skirt.” I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.” And when I did that, she said, “Now my bra and the panties.” I took them off. She continued, “And don’t ever let me...

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.

"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 10 years, my book about the sexual encounter I once had with a clock is finally completed.

It's about fucking time.

A wise old man said to me once, "The things you fear are the things you will one day encounter in life."

Never have I been so afraid of a million dollars.

Bear & Human encounters

If bears and humans live in close proximity, they can be prepared ahead of time for such encounters. Obtain airhorns and pepper spray.

If the first couple of blasts of an airhorn doesn't scare them off, then run at them with an airhorn blasting. If you get close enough, use the pepper spray...

Did you know that humans, like elephants have evolved a very specific call to warn others about bees they have encountered?

Want to hear what it sounds like?

-


-



-


“BEES!”

If you encounter a polar bear in the wild, lie down and pretend that you're dead.

It's good practice for when you'll be really dead, five minutes later.

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Words

There is a great distinction between the words **Guts** and **Balls**...

But few people can tell what the difference between them is.

To clarify:

**GUTS** – Is arriving home late, after a night out with your mates, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask...

I was hiking with some friends

on a forest trail one day when we encountered a black bear approaching us. I told everybody, “Don’t run away from him or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible”
Then the bear rose up on his back legs and said, “Don’t run away from him or approach him. Make yourself look as big as po...

A General and a Private encounter one another after military training. The general tells the private, “Hey, you! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”

The private replied with “Gee, thanks!”

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

Should I ever encounter a black widow with the opportunity to seduce and betray her, my final words to her would be

“For all the men that came before me”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men encounter a fairy

The fairy says: "You will jump from a 3m Tower into a pool. Whatever you say first, the pool will be filled with it and you will land in it."

The first man goes ahead, jumps and screams "Vodka" The pool is instantly filled to the brim with Vodka and he lands in it.

The second man jumps...

I encountered a young cashier while checking out.

My total was $4.07 to so I handed him a $5 bill and 7 pennies. Confused, he said, "This is too much, just give me the $5 bill." I tried explaining to him that I didn't want change back. This situation still had him bewildered as if he doesn't understand the basics regarding math and money.

I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 75 year-old man arrives at a nudist resort.

After checking in, he is given the keys to his suite. As he goes to his new suite butt naked, he sees a gorgeous 20 year-old blonde heading his way, and immediately gets an erection.

"Did you call for me?" asks the blonde.

"What do you mean?" asks the man.

"We have rules here th...

If you ever encounter an evil witch show them the periodic table

They're good at chemistry

I accidentally played dad instead of dead when i encountered a bear

Now it can ride a bicycle without training wheels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

two italians

Two Italians were talking on the bus. One of them says to the other, “Emma comes first, then I come, then two asses they come together, then I come again, then two asses come together once again, then I come again, pee twice, then I come one last’a time.”

Another passenger responds with, “Wel...

1 minute chuckle

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back
to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and sh...

A woman encounter a friend she hasn't seen in some years in the produce market.

After some catching up she tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ...

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.

Visitors should also carry a pepp...

A German a French and an English man crash with their plane on an island.

Immediately they start to explore the island and encounter a native tribe.

The chieftain of the tribe commands everyone of those 3 to get into the jungle and gather 2 different kinds of fruits, otherwise he has to banish them from the island.

First the English man arrives back at the c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends Bob and Frank are lost deep in the jungle when they encounter a tribe of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

...

A tourist went to Egypt and took a taxi to the hotel ..

While in the way, they encountered a red light at cross road junction, which the driver didn't stop for. The tourist said " Why didn't you stop?", To which the driver answered " Relax, I'm a professional and i know what i'm doing". The same thing happened again, the tourist asked the same question a...

An engineer encounters a frog...

A Civil engineer, while doing field work, comes across a frog, who suddenly begins to speak to him.

"Sir" she says, "I know this must seem very strange, but I'm actually a woman, cursed to inhabit this frog form. But if you would help me, you could turn me back into a woman with a simple kis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man encounters a magic lamp and out pops a genie

The genie tells the man he will grant a wish of his choice, and the man proceeds to tell the genie his wish. The genie replies, “no problem, it should be done by tonight.”
Later that night, the man is waiting in his living room when he notices what appears to be a Ku Klux Klan rally forming in h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two whales are swimming in the ocean and encounter a whale hunting ship.

The first whale is furious, and says to the second, “look over there! Those are the people that killed our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, friends! We should take revenge!” The second whale is also angry on hearing this, and agrees, saying, “what should we do?” The first whale thinks for a whil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

A Priest encounters a nun while going to the monastery with his car

He encounters a nun in the side of the road. The priest stops the car and offers to drive the nun to her destination, the nun accepts.

The nun gets in the car. She crosses her legs making her pretty legs to come in sight

While the priest is looking at her legs he nearly crashes. After ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of nuns were on a cross-country road trip

When they encountered a man driving erratically on the freeway, speeding, cutting them off, break checking and just generally driving in a way that would make the Lord frown.

"This man needs Jesus. Show him your Cross"

That's when sweet old Sister Mary Margaret pulled up along side of...

A crocodile is walking to the Roman Colosseum, where a gladiator duel is scheduled to take place.

Along the way, he runs into a serial killer.

The crocodile, being a crocodile, is unconcerned and promptly proceeds to devour her alive before continuing on his merry way to the Roman Colosseum.

He makes it there just fine, and enjoys a gladiatorial match for the ages- a feast for the ...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

I randomly encountered a video on YouTube that’s says "How to stop procrasinating”

I thought it was beneficial to me since I am constantly procrastinating, so I saved it to watch later

Two guys encountered a bear in the woods

The first guy knelt down and started praying, the second guy bent down and started lacing his shoes. The first guy then say to the second guy: What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear in this woods; and the second guy replied, oh, I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you.

A grave encounter

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who keeps list of all his sexual encounters

Anal-yst

A sticky encounter

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: "Can I see your dad?" Johnny: "No, he's in the shower." Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?" Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too." Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?" Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked ...

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered




^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

The Greatest Dad Joke: Moses goes to the top of the mountain and encounters the Heavenly Father, bewildered Moses exclaims “I’m confused, I don’t know what to call you?”

Gods voice booms back “HELLO CONFUSED, I AM”

a man lands in cairo

He gets a cab to reach his destination. During the ride he encounters a red light, however, the drider keeps driving. The man gets angy and tells the driver:" didnt you see the red light you moron!!". The driver replies:" dont worry im a professional". Later, they encounter another red light. This t...

Whenever I encounter a broken pipette in the lab, I exclaim...

This pipette doesn't suck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Midway through sex my girlfriend's phone started ringing.

"That can wait," I told her.

"Hmm...It might be my boss," she replied.

I tried to get her back into our sexual encounter. "*I'm* your boss, baby."

"Well, you don't feel like him."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking along the beach, and encounters a woman with no arms or legs

She catches him looking, so he feels it necessary to say hi. She explains that her caretaker left her there, while she went to get lunch. They chat for a while, and he stands to walk away. The woman looks at him, and blurts out:

"Hey. You're so nice and handsome. I'm embarrassed to even ask t...

Guy: I'm writing "Transformers": a crossover fanfic where Othello encounters Sauron...

Other guy: "why's it called "Transformers"?"

Guy: Moor then meets The Eye

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and ro...

They say that when you encounter a lion, you shouldn't move a muscle.

So when I encountered one, I stood still for 6 hours.

Then a bloke approached me and said, "The zoo is about to be closed."

A politician was walking down the street when he encountered an armed robber...

Robber: (points gun) Gimme all your money!

Politician: You better be careful young fellow, I am one of the most powerful politicians in this goddamn country.

Robber: *thinks*

Robber: Then give back all my money!

If you encounter enemies, you’re on the right path

Unless when you’re walking in a morgue, that is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What steps do you take if you encounter a bear in the wild?

Fucking big ones!

Captain Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise encountered an unknown alien craft

However, they proved to be friendly, and soon a dialog was reached. After discussing quite a few differences in culture, they came to reproduction.

One of the aliens said "Let me demonstrate" and a small swelling appeared on his arm. After a couple of minutes, the swelling became the form o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couples' therapist encounters a client with a giant red "M" on her chest. [NSFW]

Concerned, the therapist asks the woman if her husband is abusing her in some strange satanic manner. "No," replies the client, "my husband is a Mississippi fan and insists on wearing his game jersey every time we have an 'interaction'." A couple days later, the therapist meets another client who sh...

A marine biologist walks into the post office

A marine biologist walks into the post office and says he needs to send a large tank overnight. The postal worker asks for the dimensions of the tank and when the biologist gives them to him the postal worker says, "We can't send a tank that big overnight. It'll have to go by freight train."

...

What ghost did Ebenezer Scrooge encounter when he refurnished his home?

The shadow of his former shelf.

Montana State Golfer Warning

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest’s golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys encounter a dog licking his...

Two guys were walking down the street when they came across a dog busily licking his balls. One guy said, "Gee, I wish I could do that!" The other guy replied, "I don't know... That dog's balls look pretty nasty to me!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We've all encountered a butterface, but have you ever encountered a butterfingers? Beautiful face, smokin' body, amazing personality. Everything is great, but her...

Catching ability.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

Area 51 encounters a Cessna.

You've all heard ofthe Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hau...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy and his mother were walking down the sidewalk when they encountered a bow legged man.

The bpy pointed his finger at the bloke and yelled out: "Look, mother, a bow legged man!"


His mother was surprised, took her son's hand; and hurriedly walked home.


Upon arrival, she reprimanded the little boy and told him that he would receive a worse punishment next time we wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you avoid sexual encounters with The Fonz?

Because he has Ayyyds.

Engineer and anti-vaxxer

An engineer, an anti-vaxxer, and others were walking through the woods when they came upon a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that river safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

The 3 Paddies Encounter a Genie

The 3 Paddies encounter a lamp, and the decide to buff it up a bit, as it was dust covered. While polishing, out emits a Genie.

The genie tells them that he is going to imprison them each for 10 years, the same length of time he was trapped in that lamp. But, he will allow them each to choos...

I encountered some paranormal activity at the local airport.

My plane wasn't delayed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I encountered my clone in a bathroom stall.

I said, "You've gotta be shitting me."

I had the court appearance for my encounter with the grammar police today...

The judge gave me a run on sentence!

A joke i heard a while ago

The 120 year old grandfather goes to the doctor for his physical and says he's feeling great. "So great, in fact, I got my girlfriend pregnant!" he proudly boasts to the doctor.

"Let me tell you a story." the doctor says. "A man went for a walk in the woods whereupon he encountered a bear,...

I was hiking in Alaska when I encountered a sleeping family of bears and just had to take a photo.

It was a Kodiak moment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had the strangest sexual encounter of my life last night

"Had the strangest sexual encounter of my life last night," Bill said to Frank. "A blind call girl"

"Really?" said Frank.

"Yeah. You gotta hand it to her."

It could’ve been worse.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
"Not so good," says Harry.
"Why, what happened?" James queries.
"Well," Harry say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One evening, a man on his way home encounters an old hag saying

she's a beautiful princess of a certain kingdom before, because of her unparalled beauty an envied witch cursed her making her looks like a hundred year old hag and to lift the curse someone must satisfy her sexual desires.
The man being heroic help her to lift the said curse
so he satisfy he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Close Encounters

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A holy priest encounters some kids playing on the street...

... and says to the first one he meets, “Do you want to go to Heaven?”

The kid says, “I do, Father.”

The priest said, “Then tell no lies.” and approached a second child. “Do you want to got to Heaven?”

“Yeah, Father,” was the reply.

“Then listen to your ma and pa,” said t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

A Vietnamese knight encounters a stray dog...

He grips his blade and calls out, "friend or pho?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember my first sexual encounter.

It was really a frightening experience. I was all by myself!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Glory!

In an old part of town there's an establishment often visited by a certain kind of people.

In addition to numerous items on display, the purpose of which is unusual but well known to those who frequent the place, there are a number of small booths arranged in pairs, each pair sharing a commo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, in the Wild West….

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
tough he was, and the owner of the ...

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bandleader for a traveling music troupe decides to hold auditions one day

and encounters a man who claims that he's found a perfect new member for his troupe. To the bandleader's surprise, the man pulls an octopus from his bag, and explains that the octopus is a musical genius who can flawlessly play any instrument. Hoping to test the octopus, the bandleader hands it a gu...

Some laws that we didn't learn at school

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong numbe...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.