I just bought a racehorse.

I called it My Face and now I'm watching all the women in the crowd, who had a bet on it, as they scream "Come on my face".

I bought a book called "how to scam people on-line"

This was three months ago and it still hasn't arrived ?

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father ...

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

I bought a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav

Total waste of money, all it ever does it tell me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

When I was young, I thought rich people bought Bose products and the rest of us had to settle for Sony.

Turns out — that was just a stereotype.

I bought my daughter a brand new fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it....

A man out shopping bought some new condoms.

When he got home, his wife noticed the brand. “Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?” she

asked.

“There are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, silver and bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.

“Gold, of course,” said the man.

“Really?...

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I bought a new toilet brush last week

It is too coarse. I am going back to using toilet paper.

I bought a bottle of wine

But I was worried I might drop it on the way home so I decided to drink it.

It’s a good thing I did, I fell of my bike 8 times.

A husband comes home and says to his wife "I just bought condoms with taste. Let's turn off the light, and then you can guess what flavor it is." So they turned off the lights and...

The wife asks: "Is it cheese and tuna flavor?"

The Husband says: "Take it easy, let me put it on first"

My uncle bought a piano from Nigeria.

So he brings it home and hires a guy to come tune it. The piano tuner struggles with it and after five minutes says, “Lemme guess... West African piano?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” my uncle responds.

“Well, West African pianos are notoriously hard to tune,” he says, “not like North Afri...

An old guy tells his friend, "Hey Lou. I just bought a new brand of hearing aids. $15,000! But they're worth it!" Lou's impressed and asks, "What kind is it?"

The old guy says, "A quarter past three."

I bought the newlyweds an elephant for their room.

They smiled and thanked me so I said, *"Don't mention it."*

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues,

when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. 

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawye...

I, a French person, recently bought a female hamster from the Netherlands

Her name is 'Amster Dame.

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There was a man that bought a new pair of boots.

He was so proud of them, when he got home he walked up to his wife and said "notice any thing different?" she looked him over and just shrugged her shoulders. Mad as hell he stormed into the bathroom to admire them in the tall mirror, then took off every stitch of clothing bar the new boots. Butt na...

I bought a 2nd hand car

I bought a 2nd hand car from a dodgy garage and when i drove it i couldn't hear a thing.
Apparently I'd bought a deaf trap.

Bought a shop vac online, but they rejected my product review as "too ambiguous"

I said that it didn't suck

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Man bought a gun.

A few days later, the man goes to his therapist for a regular check-up.

Therapist: "why did you buy a gun? Do you feel unsafe in society or...?"

Man: "I got a gun because of my bird phobia"

Therapist: "I think you might be getting carried away"

Man: *firing into the ceili...

A guy from Jersey bought a search engine and some fireworks.

He bought-a-bing and bought-a-boom

I don't have tags for my dog, but I bought her a phone in case she got lost. She ran away today.

I really should collar.


Also, Lost: Seeing Eye Dog

Last Seen: Never

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

Help??

I bought a watch in Iraq.

12:00
11:59
11:58

Woah, time's going backward?

Bought a new camera today…

and wanted to test it out. I was looking for a good subject and found a salon where a guy was cutting a woman’s hair. I went in and asked him if I could take some pictures. He said she wanted a rainbow look, and it would be great to get some before and after pics to capture the coloring process.
...

We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

I bought a bunch of shares of Old McDonald's farm.

I'm now the
#C-I-E-I-O

I bought the love of my life some fish from Washington, but she dumped me immediately afterwards.

Oh well, there's plenty more fish in DC.

I recently bought a bidet

I recently bought a bidet and its been a-hole new experience!

"Honey, I bought you a new Weight Loss Tape!"

"How the hell are we gonna play a tape?!"



"No silly, it goes over your mouth"

I bought a tie for my dog to wear on his walks

It's to help him do his business.

I was feeling lonely, so I bought some stock shares.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

Bought Some Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ' notice anything different about me'? Margaret looked him over. ...

In a small town there was a poor Christian old lady. She was always asking the God to bring her groceries. One day her not Christian neighbor went out and secretly bought the lady groceries…

As the lady saw the groceries she rejoiced and thanked the lord. The neighbor was fed up and told the old lady that God did not bring her groceries he did. She yelled thank you Lord for bringing me groceries and making the devil pay for them.

Did you hear about the man who bought a wig from the dollar store?

It was a small price toupee.

I bought a boomerang on Amazon...

...but only because of their 100% return policy.

I bought a crystal ball but only ever predicted very cold winters.

Turns out they sold me a snow globe.

Yesterday my friend bought a dog and a cat!

Today they named the dog Curiosity

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I bought my Son a bike for his birthday.

He started screaming and crying about it.

Just because he's in a wheelchair doesn't excuse the fact that he's an ungrateful little shit.

I bought a balloon for $0.99

How much should I sell it for after I adjust for inflation?

So I bought some shoes from a drug dealer this morning...

I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day.

I bought a new toilet for my house, but the seat for it is plastic and flimsy.

If I get too fat, I'll have to rethink the seat-uation.

I bought my wife a "Get Better Soon" card.

She's not sick, I just want her to get better.

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

I bought some french hens recently, but it’s very frustrating that so far they’ve only laid a single egg

Un oeuf is enough.

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Elton John has just bought his pet rabbit a treadmill...

It's a little fit bunny..

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

How do you know if you've bought good fireworks?

When the guy running the store gives you a high four.

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

I bought a book calling itself 'The Bible of being a self-entitled white woman'

It's called the Ka'ran

I bought an England stationery set earlier.

It's missing three pens.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

I bought the latest edition of "Reading For Dummies"

The pages were all blank!

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a s...

A wife was mad at her husband so after work, he bought a huge bouquet of flowers. He comes home and presents the beautiful arrangement to his wife. She says: “Do you expect me to spread my legs for this?”

He asks, “Don’t we have a vase?”

I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized...

I don't even *have* a coconut...

I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11.

It was just a spare, I guess.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith.

I realized he was a blacksmith, because when I got the dog home he made a bolt for the door.

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

I bought my wife and I Walkie-Talkies for our anniversary but I can't tell if she likes them.

Wife: "We don't need Walkie-Talkies, this marriage is over."

Me: "This marriage is what? Over."

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

I just bought my first oakwood theme laptop and I'm so excited.

I'm having trouble logging in though.

I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher

He now has a beef with me

I bought an e-book today.

I was pleasantly surprised it contained a lot of other letters as well.

My wife bought me a 'Good Luck' bracelet with my initials on it before I went into hospital for some surgery.

I think there must have been a misprint at the manufacturers,
because my initials are 'RND' and this one said 'DNR'.

I bought a new phone, the first thing I did was push redial...

The phone started having a nervous breakdown.

(The legendary Steven Wright)

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

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A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore...

I just bought a TV & it said "Built in Antenna". I don't even know where that is.

I bought a very expensive limousine but couldn't afford to hire a driver.

Spent all my money and had nothing to chauffeur it.

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My wife bought a talking parrot, but returned it to the pet store a week later.

“This parrot hasn’t spoke a single word.” She complained.

“I haven’t had a fucking chance to!” Replied the parrot.

How did bill Cosby celebrate after getting out of jail

He went to a bar and bought everyone drinks

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I didn’t realize the sex manual I bought had a typo….

…until we tried the 96 position.

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it

I am now independent

A man bought an olympic condom pack

Husband: Hey see I got a olympic condom pack
Wife: huh, what is that
Husband: It has condoms named with medals. Let ne use the gold one.
Wife: Nah use the silver one.
Husband: Why?
Wife: You should come second for a change

I bought a book that said it could help me harness the power of ADHD.

I never finished it.

Why Amazon bought Whole Foods

Jeff Bezos: Alexa buy olives from Whole Foods

Alexa: Buying all of Whole Foods

Jeff: No Olives... Meh I can afford it go ahead.

This blender I just bought doesn't seem to be working right

I keep getting mixed results

I bought some espresso ice cream last night and was super excited to try it!

Unfortunately I left it on the counter when I was putting all my other groceries away. I found it this morning completely melted.

I guess you could say.....

Affogato bout it....

-Hello, I would like to return a boomerang I bought from here, it's not working.

-Of course. Where is it?

-No idea.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of ...

I bought one of those "Smart" light switches, but it was too clever for me.

So I replaced it with a dimmer switch.

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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

Bought my wife a bunch of flowers for Mother's Day.

She said "I suppose you expect me to spread my legs for these?"

I replied "why? Haven't you got a vase big enough?"

And that's how I ended up at the ER.

My wife bought a strap-on and she announced she wants to try "pegging"...

I've been taking it pretty hard.

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks...

A friend of mine bought an old plane, took the wings off, and turned it into a restaurant.

I don’t think it will take off.

I recently bought a horse and I decided to name him Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

I bought A LOT of classical music yesterday...

...I went on a Chopin spree!

I bought some pantyhose but they kept telling me climate change wasn't real

I should have checked the Denier rating

I bought a Roomba...

and now it does nothing but sits there and collect dust.

I bought several books on how to overcome artificial intelligence.

I saw them advertised on my Facebook.

At first my wife was angry that I bought a hot-tub without asking her

But she's slowly warming up to it

Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist.

Bought a new jacket the other day and it burst into flames.

Well, it was a blazer.

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

What would happen if Apple bought a deer?

they’d have an idea

A 60 years old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship.

She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away....



A gentleman approached the lady and said .....

"Ma'am, ....

I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up"....



The lady replied, ......

"Sir, if ...

I bought the tiniest amphibian I've ever seen at the local pet store.

He's my newt.

I bought my nephew a pair of airpods for his birthday.

The kid was so ungrateful, he didn't even say thank you. He just started throwing up gang signs at me.



I think he's fallen into a bad crowd ever since he went deaf.

Two Irish priests decided to go on a vacation to Barcelona.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach...

I just bought #1 baby diapers

However my newborn doesn't seem to care, and she also went number two on them.

I saw a sad Dallas Cowboys fan at the bar, so I bought him a beer and asked him what's wrong...

"See, it's like this, sir... I found a lamp at the beach, an' when I rubbed it, a big genie appeared in a cloud of smoke. It really was sumpthin', I tells ya. Anyhow, He says 'You have three wishes'... and well, I'm not good at thinkin' on my feet, and under pressure, so I kinda said 'Gee, I wish ...

Ever since I bought $GME shares, my wife won’t stop boiling chickens.

She likes the stock.

I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.

Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.

There was a famous pianist

There was a famous pianist that was moving to a new mansion he had just bought. He had with him two removalist trucks. One had all his personal belongings and furniture and the second had his favourite piano in it.

As they were travelling to the mansion they passed by a quarry. As they were ...

So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand

Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the [email protected]#k are you?"

My girlfriend bought me the karma sutra

Which put me in a very awkward position

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I wanted to learn so I bought the Kamasutra and...

Man, there's a lot of fucking information in here.

I bought almonds some time back to make my memory sharp.

I never remembered to eat them.

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The case of the missing condoms

A girl I was friends with in high school called me crying today. She had a question she needed to ask a guy friend. She said her boyfriend had just bought a box of a dozen condoms and now there are only six left, but they only had sex three times. When confronted her boyfriend said that sometimes...

I bought my wife a pug recently

Despite the flat nose, ugly wrinkles and bulging eyes, the pug likes my wife

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy's wife bought a pair of crutch-less knickers.

In an attempt to spice up her and her hubby's sex life.

She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.

Every so often she would uncross her legs enough times till her husband noticed.

Husband: Are you wearing crotch-less panties.?

Her: Yes sh...

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There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

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I bought my nephew a puppy.

But it was hit by a car and died, so now I'm stuck with a fucking puppy.

"I bought you an engagement ring," I told my girlfriend.

"How much did it cost?" she asked in a flash.

"£300," I told her.

"£300?!" she fumed. "You said you were going to spend a month's wages!"

"I didn't say it was going to be *my* month's wages."

I bought a rowing machine even after my wife said I'd never use it.

The joke's on her. I'm in great shape now, and all I do is row, row, row and gloat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just bought my new car stereo, which is voice activated.

If I shout "country" it plays Dolly Parton, if I shout "rock" it plays Guns and Roses. I was driving through town the other day when some children ran out in front of me, I shouted "FUCKING KIDS!" and it started playing Michael Jackson.

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

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When I was a boy, my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill

But instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck.

I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass.

The next morning, however, there was a brand new truck in the driveway.

We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from the el...

Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years.

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came home from work with a bouquet of roses.

My wife looked at me suspiciously and said, "Have you done something wrong?"

I said, "...Yes."

She said, "What is it?"

I said, "Bought an ungrateful bitch flowers."

I bought Pfizer years ago and was so excited to earn millions when they announced their COVID vaccine...

Oops.... Turns out I bought Pfizer Total Landscaping instead. Oh well. Maybe I could rent the place out for a news conference?

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar...

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, “You know, they’d be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time.”

The ma...

A guy tells his friend, "I bought my wife a diamond ring."

"You told me she wanted a car," the friend replies.
"Yeah," says the first guy, "but where would I find a fake car?"

My wife went nuts when I bought our 6 year old son a jigsaw.

Well, that laminate flooring ain't going to cut itself.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

Guys i just bought a 256GB iPhone 11, my brother dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 6 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

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