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Bought Jokes

I bought a theremin

But I haven’t touched it in years.

I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.

My uncle bought a piano from Nigeria.

So he brings it home and hires a guy to come tune it. The piano tuner struggles with it and after five minutes says, “Lemme guess... West African piano?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” my uncle responds.

“Well, West African pianos are notoriously hard to tune,” he says, “not like North Afri...

Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!

Husband- "Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!"

Wife- "Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical?"

Husband- "They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife- "Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?"

Husband- "Gold ofc!"
...

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read

I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...

...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

I bought a wooden whistle.

But it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle.
But it steel wooden whistle.

So I bought a lead whistle.
But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a copper whistle.
But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a tin whistle.
Now I can w...

I accidently bought a fleshlight instead of a flashlight.

When the power went out I was screwed.

AITA? I bought my coworker chicken avocado instead of tuna avocado from Subway, and now they’re mad.

Whoops, wrong sub.

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

Nothing is built in America these days. I just bought a TV and it said “Built In Antenna”

I don’t even know where that is!

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company.

I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple

Sorry, wrong thread

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary...

I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.

My wife is furious I bought a 12-year-old whiskey.

And the kid's mother tried to get me arrested.

So I bought myself and my girlfriend walkie talkies

Gf: “You’re too childish, this isn’t working and it’s over”

Me: “Sorry, this isn’t working and it’s what? Over“

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

If Elon bought Reddit, what would he call it?

eXit

For her birthday I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.

It's the little things that count.

I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

I bought a chainsaw 10 years ago

it stihl works

I bought my wife a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

The cocaine that I bought is so white..

..That the cops just let it go with a warning.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was ...

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I bought a Ouija board recently from a strange old man...

I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt

I'VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU


'What is your message?' I asked.

YOU SHOULD BE DANCING

Fear started flushing over me, 'Why s...

My wife left me because I bought the a Nintendo, but I'm not even upset...

it was time for a switch

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A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

I bought a book titled “How to Solve Half Your Problems.”

I read it twice, now I’m problem free.

My wife asked if I minded if she bought a little French maid outfit

I said ‘Please do’.

She came home with a French-made $5000 Chanel dress.

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

I bought a new fish

For my ornamental pond but as soon as I put the fish in the water he hid behind a rock. Fine I thought probably take a few days till he's used to the pond. After a week he was still hiding behind the rock. So I rang the pet shop and explained to the pet shop owner what was happening. He asked me whi...

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I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

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My wife and I just bought a house

It came with two separate sheds in the backyard. But lately we’ve been arguing a lot about what goes in which shed.

It’s all about that he-shed/she-shed bullshit.

I bought a toilet brush yesterday

But I gotta say that I still prefer toilet paper!

I went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle Scotch,

and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there.

And it’s a good thing I did... ...’cause I fell 7 times on the way home..

I bought a new thesaurus today and it’s terrible

Not only is it terrible but it’s also terrible!

My wife bought a new bra, it's really hard to unhook.

I don't know why I put it on in the first place.

I bought an alphabet from a shop, but I only recieved 23 letters.

So I went up asking why and was told that I didn't pay for the dlc.

I have just bought myself a new cheese grater

Must say, grate things came out of this.

(edit - sorry for the cheesy joke)

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

I bought a chicken and an egg off Amazon

I'll let you know.

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So this guy bought a car

And being a practicing Catholic, decided to ask his priest to bless it. So the priest prayed and sprinkled some holy water over it. Then he gave him a rosary and a statue of the Holy Virgin to place in the car.

A Buddhist bought a car and asked a monk to bless it. The monk burned some incens...

My girlfriend’s dog died so I bought her another one just like it. She got very upset and said,

“What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

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I bought a fleshlight today

My masturbation has gotten out of hand

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

I bought a little bag of air today…

The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

I just bought my son a trampoline for his birthday

But the ungrateful brat sat in his wheelchair and cried the whole time.

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

I just bought my local MP a get better soon card.

He's not sick. I just think he can do better.

I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for £20.

But I partied like it was £19.99

I bought my wife a mood ring.

When she's happy it turns blue.

When she's not happy it leaves a red mark on my forehead.

[Translated] A man saw a good deal and bought 20 panties of the same pattern and color to his wife.

Wife : Oh My God,now people will think I never change my panties.

Husband : Which people?

(Hope the joke didnt get lost in translation)

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I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal.

Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.

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I bought my nephew a puppy.

But it was hit by a car and died, so now I'm stuck with a fucking puppy.

I bought a Russian advent calendar.

Every time you open a window an oligarch falls out.

I bought two Rottweilers and named them Rolex and Omega

They're watch dogs...

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid present, she would burn it

So I bought her a candle. That showed her.

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I bought this sweet car online

Turns out it used to be owned by Neil Diamond

I bought my girlfriend a weighted blanket

But we broke up soon afterwards because she couldn’t take the pressure

I've just bought a house with period features.

The girlfriend hates that nickname..

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

I bought a wig for a dollar today

It was a small price toupee.

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

I bought a bunch of oranges and spelled "hi" with them.

I was then told that was *not* how you say "HI" in Mandarin....

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My wife bought a vibrator.

I wouldn’t say it’s her favorite sex toy, but it’s definitely up there.

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised.

Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition

My wife bought a toilet brush.

I tried it. Too rough. I’m going back to using toilet paper.

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Bought a really old race horse today.

I have called him "My Face." and have entered him in "The Grand National"

I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh fuckers shouting

"Come on My Face."

My wife didn't like the dress I bought her.

After opening the gift she said it is damn near a miniskirt and the top is cut way too low. I am a mother of 4 so why did you chose this? I replied it looked very nice on the girl helping me.

I bought an umbrella with brand name Napoleon.

On a strong windy day it got blownapparte.

I bought a shirt and some neckwear from Ebay that used to belong to the guy from the Mamas & the Papas

All the sleeves are brown and the tie is gray

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A farmer who raised chickens had just bought a young rooster and put it in his coop...

Soon the young rooster struts up to the old one and says, "Okay you old fart, time for you to retire. I'm in charge of the hens, now."

"Are you sure?" the old rooster asks, "It's pretty challenging watching over all these hens and keeping them in line, especially for a youngster who doesn't h...

I bought a book called "how to scam people on-line"

This was three months ago and it still hasn't arrived ?

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

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I just bought PornHub Premium.

And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.

I bought some pets online, and just had them delivered.

Turns out they need their liver.

I bought a straight jacket the other day, and I'm starting to regret it.

I thought it would be a good look, but I just can't pull it off.

I bought a horse recently, and I called him mayo.

Mayo neighs.

I bought an alcoholic ginger beer

he wasn’t pleased !

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I struggled with winter until I bought a snow blower.

It has made my life a thousand times easier. I load it in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says "What the fuck is that"? and that is where I spend the winter.

I bought a £600 wallet

Now I have no use for it

A woman just bought an IKEA wardrobe.

She just finishes building it when a bus drives past the window and the dresser collapses to the ground.
She assembles it again, but then another bus drives by and the whole thing collapses again.
Her husband being at work, she calls her neighbour to help her fix this. The neighbour come...

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I've just bought the vinyl of Prince's greatest hits

Cost me twenty quid!

But fuck it, I'm gonna party like it was £19.99

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

A man once bought a parrot

After bringing it home, he realizes that the parrot has the most vile, filthy vulgar vocabulary. The man, on the other hand, was educated and polite and this caused him great embarrassment.
After a few days, the man has had enough and tells the parrot "If you don't behave yourself, I'm going to ...

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

I bought a mayfly's biography.

Chapter 1: The end.

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I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday...

But all the little shit did was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

PS:Not sure if this one has been on here before or not, a friend told it to me and I thought it should go here.

I bought a pair of nunchucks today.

Highly recommended; they've already chucked two annoying nuns away from me.

Just Bought the new Dodge Hornet EV and ended up with two cars

Dealer said I also needed a Dodge Charger

I once bought a best-selling book on time management.

But I never had time to read it.

My son is such a prick. I bought him a trampoline and he won't even jump on it.

He just sits in his wheelchair and cries.

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

I bought the new Call of Duty WWII in France.

But for some reason, I can only be a spectator.

I bought a universal remote the other day

and I thought to myself "Wow, this changes everything!"

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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

I bought a brand new car and put a cow in it

Yes I beefed it up.

I bought a new "Smart TV"...

>Now I can't watch Celebrity Big Brother. It will only let me watch Neil deGrasse Tyson space documentaries.

Just bought a boomerang from a ghost.

Now I'm worried that this going to come back to haunt me.

Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill.

It's a little fit bunny.

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father ...

A woman tells her friend: "Hey, yesterday I bought a toilet brush".

Her friend replied: "Alright, so?"

Her: Well I think its great invention, but I'd much rather use toilet paper.

I was about to tell some new jokes about the expensive eggs I bought

But before I could, someone poached them.

The hot sauce I bought didn't have any heat to it.

I was mildly disappointed.

I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11.

It was just a spare, I guess.

This blender I just bought doesn't seem to be working right

I keep getting mixed results

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I bought a fitbit...

I haven't went running yet, but I jerked off for six miles today.

My Mom bought me a coffee based hand scrub.

Now I get an erection every time I pass a starbucks.

I splurged and bought a mop...

I had to. To clean up the splurge.

I bought some engine oil for my bike ...

But it was too thick, so I thinned it out with some gasoline, but then it was too thin, so I added more oil, but I just can't seem to get it right. It's a viscous cycle.

Bought the book: Tiger Woods best 18 holes.

I was incredibly disappointed when I found out it was about golf.

I bought a really nice 12-year-old scotch.

Obviously, his parents weren’t pleased.

Gary Delaney

I recently bought clap-on lights.

Ever since then, my wife's room keeps flickering on and off.

Bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines day,

The vacuum works just fine now.

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues,

when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. 

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawye...

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