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A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning...

After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.

​

“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Golfing with a hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.


"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so.

One day they came with an idea. Each time they make love, they will put a 10 note into a piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The ...

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”


“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

A man saves memes at the rate of 3 per minute. In how many hours can he save 30?

I freaked out after reading this in my son's textbook

Wife: If your mom and I fell into the sea

Wife: If your mom and I fell into the sea, who would you save?

Husband: I would save my mother, then I'll come back and drown myself to be with you forever.

My god will save me

A man lived in Florida in a two-story house near the water. During hurricane season one year the emergency services order the town he lives in to evacuate to avoid being swallowed up by high waters. A group of people evacuating stop by his house in a big pickup truck.

“Hop in and we can all g...

What do you call it when a cow saves your life?

Bovine intervention.

We all can do better to help save the planet

With this in mind, i’ve just published a book on preserving the rainforest, and what we can do as a human race to help protect it.

Its over 2000 pages long.

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.

The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.

The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!”

The priest says “Do we ...

Why didnt the lifeguard save the drowning hippy?

Because he was to far out man

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fri...

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A pilot, a captain, and a driver were all stuck in a blimp headed straight towards a city.

The pilot, wanting to save himself from crashing, says “let me steer this blimp off course and land us safely. As a pilot, I have years of experience controlling flying vehicles. A blimp surely can’t be much different from a plane.”

The captain then butted in and said “No, let me take the whe...

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

"I'm waiting for God to save me"

A flood was going to ravage a city, and most people saw the alert and evacuated. One lady, however, decided that if God really loved her, He would save her from the flood. So she climbs up onto the roof of her apartment building and waits.
The flood begins to rise and a rescue helicopter flies ov...

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I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment!

I did it once and fucking killed a cyclist.

When did a gut feeling save your life?

When my appendix burst.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

If you are a homeopathy practitioner and someone make an emergency call, how would you save the patient's life?

By not giving him/her any medicine.

My roommate complained about me peeing in the shower, but to my way of thinking it's just a sensible way to save water.

Also, it's not like I'm going to miss from less than arm's length away.

And even if I do splash on her feet, it rinses right off at once.

A half man half machine, a princess, an animal like boy and a clown are trying to save their friend from her abusive father who is inside her

Teen titans was a great show

Apparently as a 4 year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

They told me to save my soul i have to kill a virgin,

I committed suicide.

I had a passion for trying to save people.

So i would kill to become a doctor.

How many humans does it take to save Earth from climate change?

None, and only none.

I hate those people who knock on your door saying that they're there to "save you" or "you'll burn"

STUPID FIREMEN!

Learn the use of comma, save a wedding.

Do your best man.

Do your best, man.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Save money!

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge ba...

Why didn't the cops save Santa from the Chimney?

They're Claustrophobic.

Atheist Bus Driver

(Turkish Joke, couldn't find it on Reddit, hopefully the translation does justice)

So I met a guy in jail whose nickname was "Atheist". I finally asked him why everyone called him this way; so he started telling his story:

"Well, I was a bus driver in our village. One day while driving...

AT&T called me and said I could save BIG on my DVR

I was really excited to hear this, because it's one of my favorite movies.

I bought a book on "How to save money". There is only one sentence in it

"You shouldn't have bought this book"

Save gas:

Fart in a jar.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady is in the hospital on her death bed NSFL

With only a matter of days left, her husband asks “honey, is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all?

She replies “well, in all of our years of being married you have never once given me oral sex....I’d really like it if you would do that for me”

Her husband agrees instantly,...

How do you save a baby from drowing in the ocean?

Harpoon it.

Why did Noah go to New Jersey after he failed to save the animals on his first try?

Because he needed to find a Newark.

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

Do you know what Elon Musk could've called his submarines if they were built in time to save those children?

Thai Pods.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy loves motorcycles, especially vintage ones. After years of trying to save money for one, he finally found a used, vintage Harley-Davidson...

A guy loves motorcycles, especially when it comes to vintage motorcycles. After years of trying to save money in order to buy one, he finally found a used, vintage Harley-Davidson at a great price. When he saw the motorcycle for the first time, he was stunned because of how clean and bright it was. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr. Punn could not save them

I remember years ago when in my remote town in Alaska there were 10 men stuck underground. I don't recall the circumstances that got them into this situation but it was clear that if they didn't get out soon they weren't going to make it.

All of our local rescue and public services were unabl...

Why do bear hunters always save the arms?

They have the right to bear arms.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It’s time to redecorate the nunnery and Mother Superior is feeling overwhelmed with supervising all the various contractors. Wanting to save some money, she tasks the 2 newest novitiates with painting the cloister...

The young nuns are inexperienced painters, and they paint slowly and carefully, concerned about getting paint on their habits.

Mother Superior comes to check on them and is dismayed to find by the end of the day they’ve barely painted one wall.

“You’ll need to paint faster ladies, w...

What do you call a Mathematical song that could save the environment?

An Al-Gore-Rhythm.

I’ve always hoped for the opportunity to save my ex from a fiery car crash.

I don’t know if I would take that opportunity, but I would certainly like the chance to.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Barnes and Noble was trying to save money, so they started hiring chickens at their checkout stands.

It started out working pretty well. They were having a sale, and a guy brings two books up to the chicken cashier.

"Book, book! Buck buck buck!" said the chicken. The man paid him $3.

​

Then a guy brings up five books. The chicken looked a little worried, took ...

How does Gordan Ramsey save money?

Swear Jar

I was a excited to donate blood today and save some lives.

The nurse told me it’s great to see people B positive

Where do you save your happiest memories?

On Cloud 9

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

If only we could get more mosquito nets to Africa, we could save millions

of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two firefighters save a mother cat from a tree.

The owner promises them the kittens once they grow big enough, and the firefighters happily accept. Half a year later, the kittens arrive and they bring great joy.

The next day, the two firefighters receive an emergency call stating that a barn is burning. The men rush there and learn that a ...

I’m going to save a lot of money by not having children!

And even more money because it’s not like I need a vasectomy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

My wife said I cannot tell a joke to save my life

I will probably end up dad

Save money instantly

by turning your sofa into a sofa bed simply by forgetting your wedding anniversary.

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

If a Bengal tiger is attacking your mother-in-law and spouse, who will you save?

The Bengal tiger of course!! They're getting extinct in the world.

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

How to save your chickens

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up & eventually got so heavy & so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week...

So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You'...

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Only Oral can Save Her

Courtesy of the great Norm Macdonald......

A man's wife goes into a coma.

The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have oral sex with her"

The man says"my god...."

Doctor says "I know I know, but I'v...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I decided today that I would save myself for my wife. No sex, no porn, I wouldn't even masturbate until I was able to be with my Life Partner, my Eternal Love, my Wife.

She is usually home around 7:30.

To save on mowing, get an emo lawn,

It cuts itself.

I always save my eBay shopping for after I come back from 4/20

That way I'm always the highest bidder

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The pres...

Pitbull saves family from house fire, pulls 7-month-old girl by her diaper

Good to know he's doing more than just music these days.

I asked a prostitute

"How Much For A Hand Job?"

Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"

I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:

“You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions”

Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helple...

If you could save a child from a horrible disease and a lifetime of misery, or have a light saber...

what color would you pick?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

God Will Save Me

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God...

What did the optimistic singer say in a failed attempt to save a suicidal man’s life?

Duet?

Why did Jill Stein try to censor a movie where the hero uses a shop vacuum to save people?

Because she doesn't want anyone to think there's such a thing as good vac scenes.

URGENT: HOW TO SAVE NET NEUTRALITY (PLEASE READ)

Page loading...

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A naked woman accidentally fell off of her 22nd story balcony. On her way down...

a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!”

“What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief.

The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. ...

Due to the recession and to save on energy costs,

the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.

Parents save more by not vaccinating their children

Baby coffins aren't that expensive compared to the costs of raising a child.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

Me : God save me...

God : as jpg or png???

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pornhub is now donating money to bee preservation for every video you watch on their new site...

I guess I’m gonna go single-handedly save the bees!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So Jesus and Satan get in an Excel spreadsheet competition...

One day in Heaven, Jesus and Satan are bickering nonstop about which of them is better than the other. "I'm better than you in every way!" says Satan. "No, I’m Earth’s savior. Clearly, I'm the best," says Jesus. After long enough, God can't take listening to them arguing anymore and says “ENOUGH! We...