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I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment!

I did it once and fucking killed a cyclist.

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out man.

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

My roommate complained about me peeing in the shower, but to my way of thinking it's just a sensible way to save water.

Also, it's not like I'm going to miss from less than arm's length away.

And even if I do splash on her feet, it rinses right off at once.

Learn the use of comma, save a wedding.

Do your best man.

Do your best, man.

Imagine you're stuck in the ocean, surrounded by sharks. What do you do to save your life?

Stop imagining.

Apparently as a 4 year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

They told me to save my soul i have to kill a virgin,

I committed suicide.

I had a passion for trying to save people.

So i would kill to become a doctor.

A half man half machine, a princess, an animal like boy and a clown are trying to save their friend from her abusive father who is inside her

Teen titans was a great show

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

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A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out, he handed me the dog and said, “Here is ze dog, keep him warm and he vill be fine.” I said, “Are you a vet?” He replied, “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”

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Save money!

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge ba...

I hate those people who knock on your door saying that they're there to "save you" or "you'll burn"

STUPID FIREMEN!

How do you save a baby from drowing in the ocean?

Harpoon it.

Why didn't the cops save Santa from the Chimney?

They're Claustrophobic.

AT&T called me and said I could save BIG on my DVR

I was really excited to hear this, because it's one of my favorite movies.

I bought a book on "How to save money". There is only one sentence in it

"You shouldn't have bought this book"

How many humans does it take to save Earth from climate change?

None, and only none.

Why did Noah go to New Jersey after he failed to save the animals on his first try?

Because he needed to find a Newark.

Atheist Bus Driver

(Turkish Joke, couldn't find it on Reddit, hopefully the translation does justice)

So I met a guy in jail whose nickname was "Atheist". I finally asked him why everyone called him this way; so he started telling his story:

"Well, I was a bus driver in our village. One day while driving...

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Mr. Punn could not save them

I remember years ago when in my remote town in Alaska there were 10 men stuck underground. I don't recall the circumstances that got them into this situation but it was clear that if they didn't get out soon they weren't going to make it.

All of our local rescue and public services were unabl...

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

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A guy loves motorcycles, especially vintage ones. After years of trying to save money for one, he finally found a used, vintage Harley-Davidson...

A guy loves motorcycles, especially when it comes to vintage motorcycles. After years of trying to save money in order to buy one, he finally found a used, vintage Harley-Davidson at a great price. When he saw the motorcycle for the first time, he was stunned because of how clean and bright it was. ...

What do you call a Mathematical song that could save the environment?

An Al-Gore-Rhythm.

Do you know what Elon Musk could've called his submarines if they were built in time to save those children?

Thai Pods.

Why do bear hunters always save the arms?

They have the right to bear arms.

How does Gordan Ramsey save money?

Swear Jar

I’m going to save a lot of money by not having children!

And even more money because it’s not like I need a vasectomy

Where do you save your happiest memories?

On Cloud 9

I was a excited to donate blood today and save some lives.

The nurse told me it’s great to see people B positive

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It’s time to redecorate the nunnery and Mother Superior is feeling overwhelmed with supervising all the various contractors. Wanting to save some money, she tasks the 2 newest novitiates with painting the cloister...

The young nuns are inexperienced painters, and they paint slowly and carefully, concerned about getting paint on their habits.

Mother Superior comes to check on them and is dismayed to find by the end of the day they’ve barely painted one wall.

“You’ll need to paint faster ladies, w...

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Barnes and Noble was trying to save money, so they started hiring chickens at their checkout stands.

It started out working pretty well. They were having a sale, and a guy brings two books up to the chicken cashier.

"Book, book! Buck buck buck!" said the chicken. The man paid him $3.

​

Then a guy brings up five books. The chicken looked a little worried, took ...

I’ve always hoped for the opportunity to save my ex from a fiery car crash.

I don’t know if I would take that opportunity, but I would certainly like the chance to.

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Two firefighters save a mother cat from a tree.

The owner promises them the kittens once they grow big enough, and the firefighters happily accept. Half a year later, the kittens arrive and they bring great joy.

The next day, the two firefighters receive an emergency call stating that a barn is burning. The men rush there and learn that a ...

If only we could get more mosquito nets to Africa, we could save millions

of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.

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A paranoid husband goes to an assassin

The assassin charges 10k per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"That's me."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found...

Google has decided to heavily push a “save the planet” program.

They’re making Al-Gore-ithms to help speed things along.

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

A farmer saves the day...

A farmer loves in a small village. He loves tractors everything he does is related to tractors. He goes to tractor meets he has tractor wall paper. You get the idea. One day he gets into a tragic accident driving his favourite rite tractor and breaks both his legs. The incident traumatizes him and...

If Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were drowning and you only had time to save one of them...

... where would you and Justin Trudeau go for lunch afterwards?

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Only Oral can Save Her

Courtesy of the great Norm Macdonald......

A man's wife goes into a coma.

The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have oral sex with her"

The man says"my god...."

Doctor says "I know I know, but I'v...

Save money instantly

by turning your sofa into a sofa bed simply by forgetting your wedding anniversary.

My wife said I cannot tell a joke to save my life

I will probably end up dad

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I decided today that I would save myself for my wife. No sex, no porn, I wouldn't even masturbate until I was able to be with my Life Partner, my Eternal Love, my Wife.

She is usually home around 7:30.

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

They always say “1 Organ Donor will save 8 lives”...

*shouldn’t it be 7?*

If a Bengal tiger is attacking your mother-in-law and spouse, who will you save?

The Bengal tiger of course!! They're getting extinct in the world.

How to save your chickens

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up & eventually got so heavy & so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week...

So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You'...

To save on mowing, get an emo lawn,

It cuts itself.

I always save my eBay shopping for after I come back from 4/20

That way I'm always the highest bidder

Pitbull saves family from house fire, pulls 7-month-old girl by her diaper

Good to know he's doing more than just music these days.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:

“You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions”

Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helple...

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

If you could save a child from a horrible disease and a lifetime of misery, or have a light saber...

what color would you pick?

I asked a prostitute

"How Much For A Hand Job?"

Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"

I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"

God Will Save Me

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God...

What did the optimistic singer say in a failed attempt to save a suicidal man’s life?

Duet?

Why did Jill Stein try to censor a movie where the hero uses a shop vacuum to save people?

Because she doesn't want anyone to think there's such a thing as good vac scenes.

Due to the recession and to save on energy costs,

the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.

URGENT: HOW TO SAVE NET NEUTRALITY (PLEASE READ)

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So Jesus and Satan get in an Excel spreadsheet competition...

One day in Heaven, Jesus and Satan are bickering nonstop about which of them is better than the other. "I'm better than you in every way!" says Satan. "No, I’m Earth’s savior. Clearly, I'm the best," says Jesus. After long enough, God can't take listening to them arguing anymore and says “ENOUGH! We...

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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,

"What do you do for a living?"

I’m a h...

A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.

The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it.

The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke.

That night the inmates are calling out numbers...

Parents save more by not vaccinating their children

Baby coffins aren't that expensive compared to the costs of raising a child.

Me : God save me...

God : as jpg or png???

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An airplane is about to crash!

With only 5 parachutes on board.

A Doctor says, “save the women”.

A young mother says, “no save the children”.

A lawyer says, “Fuck the children”.

A priest asks, “do we have time”?

Dating a girl that has a child...

... it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".

I found a way to save 27 million tons of paper per year

I signed up for e-mail receipts at CVS

How the First Scene of Star Wars Ep 9 Will Save the Franchise

"Jar Jar Binks Wakes up from a Dream..."

A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff

Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.

"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch ...

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Save Money on phone sex lines

...by texting filth to your landline and have the BT woman read it to you at a fraction of the cost.