Today I saved a man drowning in the river

I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

Source: University Daytime Janitor

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid Firemen

My boyfriend started a bee farm to help save the bees

I think he's a keeper

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Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Inn by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

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A German Tourist jumps into a freezing Lake to save a little puppy

he climbs out and hands the owner the dog and says :"here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine."

the owner asks :"are you a vet?"

"Vet?? I'm fucking soaking!"

The truth was that Rapunzel didn’t want a prince to save her

She was just kinky and wanted someone to pull her hair

I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

A man saves up for years to take his dream vacation

to a small island in the South Pacific. When he finally gets there, the sound of drums fills the air, thumpa thumpa thumpata thumpata. The man asks the porter carrying his bags, "What's up with the drums? Is it a festival or something?" The porter gets a serious look on his face and says, "If the dr...

A man jumps off a cliff with faith that God will save him

The man hits the ground full force and is left barely alive and bleeding out. A doctor passing by notices the struggling man and says, "Sir, I'm a doctor, please let me help you!" To which the man replies, "Get away from me! I have faith that God will heal me!" And the doctor walks away. Another doc...

How did the half Jew, half Muslim save money?

He supported ISIS, but wrote it off as a charitable donation.

Save money on home security and alarm systems by flying flags of politically taboo groups on the front

The police will watch your house for free!

I was about to be hit by a bus and a Latino saved me.

That is why Jesus is my Savior.

My son saved me by donating his leg.

Kneedless to say, the kid knee transplant was a success.

I've saved an absolute fortune this Black Friday.

I stayed in.

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My grandpa: Killed a bunch of Nazis and saved his battalion in WW2.

Me: Sits around making up stories about my grandpa.

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out, man.

An 18 yr old son asks his dad “when you were young, what would have been the quickest and easiest way to save £250k?”

Dad: “pull out”

A comma can save a life.

Let's eat grandma.


Let's eat, grandma.

My goal for next year is to save enough money to make myself a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

Me and my friend made a bank account just to save up for drugs

I call it 'joint' account

My sister just had a baby to try and 'save the relationship'

But I still don't talk to her.

My grandfather with alzheimer died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

3 college students are living together to save money

One day they decided to carpool to class to conserve gas and cash, but they live in the top floor of a 30 floor apartment complex. The elevator breaks, which makes them have to take the stairs. The 3 deside to make time fly. The first 16 floors guy one tells a really happy story, the second 10 floor...

Did you hear about the pig that saved a man's life?

There was this guy who was starving to death...

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

AI learns that Jesus was crucified to save everyone from their sins and he'll. AI believes in redundant safety.

AI clones 1000 jesuses and crucifies them all

To save money my girlfriend and I sold our house and now live with our horses in their barn area.

Ir was tough at first but it's been a stable relationship.

A 22 year old man is searching for himself after college

He decides to take a trip around the world with the money he’s saved up over the years. After traveling through Europe, Asia, the Americas and Africa he lands himself in Egypt.

In Egypt he rents a jeep and sets off to explore the desert. However, he realizes that he is lost. He becomes exhaus...

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

9 Blondes and 1 Brunette are holding onto the wing of an aircraft that is rapidly plummeting towards the ground.

They all realise that one must sacrifice themselves to save the rest. Nobody volunteers to sacrifice themselves, the. suddenly the brunette makes a heroic speech about how she will let go of the aircraft to save the rest.

Then all the blondes clap.

I know a guy who saved all his life to buy a cemetery plot.

Then he took a cruise and was lost at
sea.

Moral:
Be careful what you plot!

I saved a homeless guy today...

He said: "if you gave me that watch, I could die from happiness!!"

"I saved your life today..."

Me: "How?"
Him: "I killed a sh*t eating dog on my way to work this morning."

Ive been using knives to save ammo in my games.

Btw I’ve been banned from the paintball arena

Saved by the Stuttering

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d."

The first guy says in amaze...

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the...

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A man wakes up in the hospital from cancer surgery,and asks the nurse "Were you able to save my testicles?".

"Yes,we saved them for you in a jar under your pillow."

My dad's favorite story is about how he single-handedly saved a dairy farm from bankruptcy

The story is pretty cheesy, but he milks it for all its worth.

There was a man who had worked all his life and saved all of his money...

He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me, because I want to take all my money to the afterlife.

So he go...

People say it couldnt be done, but I have worked at McDonald's for 20 years and I have enough saved to live off of for the rest of my life.

If I die before before next month.

There’s a small community trying to save our world and reduce global warming

Anti-vaxxers

Your boyfriend and brother are drowning and you can only save one, who do you save?

I’d save them both because they’re the same person!

Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Frenchman are walking through the jungle...

They’re very tired, and they decide to take a shortcut across a nearby river to quickly reach their camp.

As they cross the river, a tribe of savages charge out of the trees and surround them. The tribe Chief steps forward and says

“This river sacred ground... you trespass on sacred ...

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Dam Buster?

Theres an old village in a valley some where with a Dam at one end.

One day theres an earthquake and a crack appears in the dam and the village starts to slowly flood.

The emergency services and army are called and the village is cleared, other than the village church where the priest ...

A funeral director is standing at the edge of a cliff, about to jump

Funeral Director: I'm ruined! My funeral directory business has gone bankrupt! I will lose my home, my wife, my kids. I'm RUINED!!! RUINED!!!!!!!! Okay... on three, I jump. One... two... thr-

Man: What are you doing?

Funeral director: I'm about to commit suicide. You?

Man: Also ...

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Gruesome deaths

Three men go to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells them that heaven is currently overloading, and only people who have had particularly gruesome or sad deaths may enter. He then proceeds to ask the first man how he died.

"Well, it's a really weird story. I came home from work early because...

How do you save a flat earther who's falling?

You don't because gravity doesn't exist.

A man smokes a pack a day for 30 years

His wife, sick of it: do you realize that if you had saved all this cigaret money you could have bought a ferrari by now ?

The man answers: well where's your ferrari ?

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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

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An old man is stuck in the middle of a freezing blizard.

He is freezing, but not the least bit terrified. He has hope that he will be saved.

By now, they snow is at his ankles.

His hope comes along when he sees a dog sled. The driver of the sled says, "Need some help?"

"No," the old man says. "God will save me."

"If you say so...

I had a joke about erectile dysfunction saved on my phone...

but it's taking awhile to get up

A Preacher fell in the ocean...

and he couldn't swim.

When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."

A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."

Eve...

I saw a meerkat save its nephew from an eagle's clutches at the very last second.

It was a meer-uncle.

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A white woman, an asian woman, and a black woman are seated next to each other on a plane...

The pilot announces that they've lost the engines and instructs the passengers to prepare for a crash landing. Panic erupts on the plane as it begins to rapidly descend. The white lady quickly gets out her purse and starts touching up her make-up. The other two women asked 'What are you doing?' t...

What is a secret mission to save some eggs?

An eggs-traction mission

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I heard pornhub plant a tree for every 100 videos watched

I guess I’m gonna “single handedly” save the planet then

Helium saved 6 people from a house fire.

He’s such a noble gas.

British Satanism be like

God save the Queen and all hail Satan

What did the child say when an abacus saved his life?

I knew I could count on you.

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

My pistol saved my life from a Bear attack!

I was out with my girlfriend in the woods the other day, and suddenly a bear started running towards us. Luckily i had my trusty Colt on my side. I shot my girlfriend in the leg and i survived by running away. Thanks Colt for saving my life!

Amazing BLACK FRIDAY deal:

Buy NOTHING and save up to 100% in EVERY STORE!

PSA: For whatever, unforeseen events that find you are about to be attacked by a mob of clowns. This one important tip can and might possibly save your life.

Always go for the Juggler

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The Avengers were on a mission to save the Egyptian god of the sun.

Thanos, with the help of the Reality Stone, turned the god into a baby and usurped his powers. As he was about to kill him, in the nick of time, the Avengers showed up.

Diving forward, Captain America managed to snatch away the baby while Thanos was busy with his monologue. Realizing this, T...

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.



“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

What did the vowel say when another vowel saved its life?

Eh E! I owe you!

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So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are
you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup"

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss...".

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is
having an affair with my b...

Wife gets home, completely breathless

Husband asks what's wrong. To which she says "I saved 3 euros because I missed the bus and ran after it till I got home." The husband somewhat confused says "you could've saved 40 euros if you ran after a taxi."

Have a good night everyone.

A man is drowning out at sea

A boat comes and asks if he needs any help.

“No, no thank you. God will save me!” Is what the drowning man replies.

He continues to drown and struggle, with no sign of God.

Another boat comes along and asks if the man needs assistance.

“Of course not! God will save me...

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment.

I tried it once, and nearly killed some bloke on a bike.

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There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so.

One day they came with an idea. Each time they make love, they will put a 10 note into a piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The ...

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed.

The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the esca...

What will you do to save the Notre Dame?

Notre Dame thing.

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