I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, "You need to be saved or you'll burn!"

Stupid firemen...

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation.

They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.

“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

A book of dad jokes saved my marriage.

Was finally able to make my wife moan.

Why wouldn’t the lifeguard save the drowning hippy?

He was too far out man.

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Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Inn by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

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A german tourist jumped in the freezing lake to save my precious little dog

A german tourist jumped in the freezing lake to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After that he climbed out, handed me the dog and said, "Here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off, he vill be fine."

I said, "Are you a vet?"

He replied, "Vet?... I'm fucking soaked...

I hate these people that knock on your door and tell you they are going to save you and that if you don't listen to their word you will burn and die...

... Damn Firefighters

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there”

The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”

MLB has decided to rename the “Save”

Now to be called a “Buzzer Beater”

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.

In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fri...

Today I saved a man drowning in the river

I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

Source: University Daytime Janitor

My boyfriend started a bee farm to help save the bees

I think he's a keeper

There’s one thing that if every human did could save our planet...

commit suicide.

A man saves up for years to take his dream vacation

to a small island in the South Pacific. When he finally gets there, the sound of drums fills the air, thumpa thumpa thumpata thumpata. The man asks the porter carrying his bags, "What's up with the drums? Is it a festival or something?" The porter gets a serious look on his face and says, "If the dr...

Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

So a vowel saves another vowel's life.

The other vowel says, "Aye E! I owe you!"

(As told by a 10 year old) A white cat goes fishing in the sea and falls in. He’s struggling to stay afloat until a red cat jumps in to save him. What’s the first thing red cat says to white cat?

Meow.

From the beginning, Rapunzel never wanted a man to climb her tower to save her

She was just kinky and wanted someone to pull on her hair

Please, save your breath.

You’ll probably need it to blow up your next date.

Why could the vet not save the hyperactive goat?

Because the goat was bleating out too fast.

A man jumps off a cliff with faith that God will save him

The man hits the ground full force and is left barely alive and bleeding out. A doctor passing by notices the struggling man and says, "Sir, I'm a doctor, please let me help you!" To which the man replies, "Get away from me! I have faith that God will heal me!" And the doctor walks away. Another doc...

If I had a dollar for every child I’ve saved from drowning.

I would have saved that kid last week.

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The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

I starting wearing depressing outfits

It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.

I've saved an absolute fortune this Black Friday.

I stayed in.

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My grandpa: Killed a bunch of Nazis and saved his battalion in WW2.

Me: Sits around making up stories about my grandpa.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When
the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act ...

I was about to be hit by a bus and a Latino saved me.

That is why Jesus is my Savior.

Me and my friend made a bank account just to save up for drugs

I call it 'joint' account

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,

until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, b...

A Jewish Grandmother Is Watching Her Grandson Play On The Beach.

All of a sudden, a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

She looks up and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.

She looks ...

How did the half Jew, half Muslim save money?

He supported ISIS, but wrote it off as a charitable donation.

Save money on home security and alarm systems by flying flags of politically taboo groups on the front

The police will watch your house for free!

My grandfather with alzheimer died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

An 18 yr old son asks his dad “when you were young, what would have been the quickest and easiest way to save £250k?”

Dad: “pull out”

A comma can save a life.

Let's eat grandma.


Let's eat, grandma.

Cheating For the Right Reasons

An old couple was having dinner one night when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Theresa, soon we’ll have been married for 50 years, and there's something I have to ask you. In those 50 years, have you ever cheated on me?"

Theresa replied, "David, I ...

A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.

So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl?

EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicame...

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Three explorers: one from England, one from France, and one from New York went into the jungle...

One day on their journey a group of native tribesmen found and captured them. After being taken to the camp of these natives, the explorers were brought to the chief of the tribe.

He told the explorers. "For trespassing on land sacred to our people, you are to be killed and your skins turned...

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

A man is sitting on top of his house during a flood while the water is slowly rising.

He waits and waits until a man in a canoe approaches him.

“Would you like me to bring you to safety sir?”

“No, god will save me.”

The man in the canoe leaves. 3 hours later, a rescue team approaches him.

“Would you like me to escort you to a safer area sir?”

“No, g...

My son saved me by donating his leg.

Kneedless to say, the kid knee transplant was a success.

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.

”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

All of them board the train.The accounta...

My goal for next year is to save enough money to make myself a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrive...

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Why do men check out women's rear?

Historically, men at sea were trapped and killed by Mermaids who attracted them using their upper body beauty. Soon, the word was spread among all the sailors/pirates and subsequently to the whole world to check out women's rear to save yourself from murderous mermaids.

Thank you for coming t...

Need a spoon?

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and s...

A man walks through the Central Park in New York City

Suddenly he sees a dog attacking a small girl. He runs towards them, starts a fight with the dog and finally kills it. So he saves the life of the girl.

A policeman was watching them, walks to the man and says:

You are a hero! Tomorrow in the new York Times the first headline will be: ...

Everyone knows eating a clock is very time consuming

But I hope you saved room for seconds

AI learns that Jesus was crucified to save everyone from their sins and he'll. AI believes in redundant safety.

AI clones 1000 jesuses and crucifies them all

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

3 college students are living together to save money

One day they decided to carpool to class to conserve gas and cash, but they live in the top floor of a 30 floor apartment complex. The elevator breaks, which makes them have to take the stairs. The 3 deside to make time fly. The first 16 floors guy one tells a really happy story, the second 10 floor...

Damn girl are you David Hasselhoff?

Because I wanna ride you like Spongebob and Patrick getting the crown to Bikini Bottom from Shell City to save the day and Mr. Krabs

To save money my girlfriend and I sold our house and now live with our horses in their barn area.

Ir was tough at first but it's been a stable relationship.

A woman has 3 daughters

Each of the daughters got married and one day, the woman wanted to test each of her son in laws.
On the first day, she brought her first son in law to a river and jumped in. Seeing this, the son in law jumps in to save her. The next day, he receives a car with a note: "Mummy loves you!"

T...

Saved by the Stuttering

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d."

The first guy says in amaze...

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

My dad's favorite story is about how he single-handedly saved a dairy farm from bankruptcy

The story is pretty cheesy, but he milks it for all its worth.

It had been raining non stop for weeks

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, "Jump in, I can save you."

The stranded fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."
...

The Three Legged Pig

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.

“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”.

“Oh, that’s how he lost ...

Jesus and Satan were arguing over whom should be able to walk the Earth...

God stepped in and told both of them to draft a detailed, 7 page, 10 font, MLA format, report as to why they deserve it. He gave them 1 day to complete the report.

As they both were furiously typing and conducting web searches, and citing away, the final hour was upon them. All of the sudd...

I rescued a penguin that came to shore near home

It must have got caught in a coastal current and ended up at the beach. I was happy to save it but didn't know what to do with it.

Someone suggested I take it to the zoo. I thought that was a great idea, and that's what I did.

A few weeks later the same person saw me at the beach....

An oilfield worker drives past the same farm everyday and always notices this pig with 3 legs.

One day he finally decides to stop by the farm and ask the farmer what’s going on with that pig.

“Well,” the farmer says, “my house was burning down one day and my poor old dog was trapped in there. Full on flames and smoke and that pig ran in and saved my dog.”

“Did his leg burn off?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the bar the other day and I saw the most beautiful women ever .

I’m on reddit so as you can tell I’m a virgin and nervous as hell to even approach her
. I just sit across the bar and give a couple glances here and there .

Then I see someone put something in her drink and I’m stunned , I Had to do a double take . But I notice they have the most beaut...

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were use...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in a Uber car sees a hot young nun passing down the street

The man tells his driver:

\-Look at that nun, I can't help to be sad that a girl like her made a chastity vote.

He answers:

\-Ah, I know her! There is an easy way to fuck her: You dress up like Jesus when it's very dark and ask her for sex, works every single time.

Late t...

New California Department

To save money California is combining the Dept of Fish and Wildlife and the Highway Patrol. The new department is called the Department of Fish and Chips.

:)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Spanish, French and English king got in a debate about who had the best penis

The couldn't decide who had the best penis. They decided to ask an audience of 300 people. 100 British, 100 French, and 100 Spanish. When the 3 Kings arrived of stage, they started to take off their robes one by one.


The French king went first.
Gazing upon the smelly phallus, the Fr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up in the hospital from cancer surgery,and asks the nurse "Were you able to save my testicles?".

"Yes,we saved them for you in a jar under your pillow."

Your boyfriend and brother are drowning and you can only save one, who do you save?

I’d save them both because they’re the same person!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Knock Knock!

:Who's there?


:W-H-O.


:W-H-O who?


:Who's gonna save your ass WHO

I saved a homeless guy today...

He said: "if you gave me that watch, I could die from happiness!!"

"I saved your life today..."

Me: "How?"
Him: "I killed a sh*t eating dog on my way to work this morning."

There was a man who had worked all his life and saved all of his money...

He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me, because I want to take all my money to the afterlife.

So he go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, a rabbi and a lawyer are on a cruise ship that’s sinking

The rabbi yells, “save the kids!” Followed by the lawyer who responds, “nah, fuck the kids” the priest looks at them both and quietly says, “do you think we have time?”

There was once a man

Let's call him Jim. Jim had a remarkably ordinary life. He went to school, got his degree, got himself a secure office job, set up his pension fund, met a nice girl, got married, and had 2 wonderful sons. Jim was set for life. But he was bored.

It was that sneaky boredom that you don't quite ...

There was a man with an odd habit of repeating one sentence, that he'll make a slingshot and kill the birds.

His family was extremely worried about this. They feared he had completely lost his mind. The family took him to all nearby doctors but all in vain. They had nearly given up when one day they heard about this spiritual healer.

In hopes of getting him fixed, the family decided to travel far a...

(OC) I saved up my money for years and finally bought a race horse. I wanted him to have a name befitting a champion. So I named him cancer.

Because cancer always wins.

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