UPJOKE
keepdelivereconomizepreserveconservesalvagesparerescueeconomisehold onrelieveredeempreventrecordsalve

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

One day - a woman decides to save up money and get a facelift for herself

On her way home she stopped at a shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for...

I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

A man jumps off a cliff with faith that God will save him

The man hits the ground full force and is left barely alive and bleeding out. A doctor passing by notices the struggling man and says, "Sir, I'm a doctor, please let me help you!" To which the man replies, "Get away from me! I have faith that God will heal me!" And the doctor walks away. Another doc...

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German saved my drowning dog

A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my little dog who was drowning.

When he climbed out and gave me my dog he said "here is ze dog keep him warm
¡and dry him off he vill be fine"

I said "are you a vet?"

He replied “vet?.. I'm fucking soaking"

A Republican Senator and a Democratic Senator are drowning and you can only save one. Do you...

A: Have lunch.

B: Browse reddit.

My gun saved my life today.

It misfired.

Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!

Cause 2022 is 2020 too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.”


He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”


I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

this morning, my wife saved me from choking to death on a custard cream biscuit.

The fat cunt had eaten them all.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

Soviet joke: A worker standing in a liquor line says: “I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.”

Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line.

His friends ask, “Did you get him?”

“No, the line there was even longer than the line here.”

My boyfriend started a bee farm to help save the bees

I think he's a keeper

Today I saved a man drowning in the river

I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

Source: University Daytime Janitor

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy?

He was too far-out.

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

Why did the hippie lifeguard not save the drowning boy?

He was too far out man!!

What bank do monks and nuns save with?

“Chaste bank”

(Yes I know, vow of poverty, but this way the joke works)

God Will Save Me

A man of faith hears on the radio there's going to be flooding. He shrugs at thradio and says, "God will take care of me."

He wakes up the next day and the first floor of his house is flooded.. as the water rises, he climbs up into the roof.

A guy floats by in a canoe and s...

I've decided to save money on cat food by getting a bird bath.

Don't @ me. Predators and water go together in nature. Alligators and swamps. Sharks and oceans. Catholic priests and baptism fonts.

Parents save more by not vaccinating their children

Baby coffins aren't that expensive compared to the costs of raising a child.

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. Tha...

Why could the vet not save the hyperactive goat?

Because the goat was bleating out too fast.

Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?

Depends on how fast you can carry it.

To be saved you need either calvary or cavalry.

Both will save you, but one doesn't wait until you are dead.

My Spanish friend is destined to save the world.

He really is the chosen Juan.

Hey, do you remember that 90's boy band which advocated for a way to save water while peeing?

It was called "in sink" or something like that.

A blizzard hit a remote prison way up in the mountains, the faculty were all evacuated but there was no time to save all the inmates.

After the weather calmed down, the roads were snowed over, and would be impassable until the thaw come springtime. Rescuers were flown in to find the the inmates had all perished due to the unbearable cold. It seemed the only think left to do was to remove the bodies to give closure to the families ...

Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?

The United States of America.

So a man was drowning in a river and then a big boat comes by and the man in it says “do you need any help” to which the drowning man replies “no thanks, god will save me”.

And then another big boat comes by and the man in it says “do you need any help” to which the drowning man replies again “ no thanks, god will save me”. So the man drowns and goes to heaven. He says to god “why didn’t you save me?” and god says “i sent to big boats you dummy!”

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

I propose, to save time and energy that each joke should be given a number..

So that we don't waste time rereading reposts. We can just post #2134 and get the karma.

God will save me

A man was out swimming one morning when suddenly he was swept out to sea. The man didn't panic though, for he knew in his heart, that God would save him. After treading water some time, along comes a kid on a small sail boat.
The kid see the man, waves,

"Howdy mister! Need some help?" <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife save thousands of dollars for their dream golfing trip abroad...

A man and his wife and save thousands of dollars, pack their bags and go on their dream golfing trip abroad.

The golf course is a thing of beauty, perfect greens, giant sculptures, huge sparkling blue lakes, the finest sand pits, and amazing views. The rich of the world all have mansions and ...

The suavest save

One day, a handsome young fireman was on duty and was called to a burning home. He was told upon arrival that the house was only going to remain standing for another couple of minutes and that a young woman was trapped on the upper floor of the house. Without wasting a moment, he bravely made his wa...

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn."

Stupid firemen

[I originally saw this joke on a friend's facebook picture he shared](http://i.imgur.com/6Q1KD6K.jpg) but others have pointed me to:
[OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4zpu/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/)
[OP2](https://www.reddit.com/r/Christi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A distraught husband begs a doctor to help save his comatose wife.

The doctor says there's not much hope, but there's one slightly unconventional thing left to try.

"Okay! What's that?" the husband says.

"Go into her room and have oral sex with her. It's her only hope."

The husband goes into his wife's hospital room and comes running out three ...

Everybody wants to save the earth;

nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

What do you call a lady that Mr. Jones has to save?

A damsel indie-stress

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man in a happy marriage, save for one aspect - his member was so sizable he could not fully insert himself into his wife without causing her pain...

There once was a man in a happy marriage, save for one aspect - his member was so sizable he could not fully insert himself into his wife without causing her pain.

One night, this frustration boiled over, and he headed out to find a bordello - surely, if he was to find a woman to accommodate...

How do you save an epilectic man's marriage?

Replace all the light switches with clap ons

Life saving

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff? " the frustrated student blurted out. "To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later th...

Jesus Saves!

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her cha...

Why didn’t Lassie have to save Timmy on Christmas Day?

No well

My boyfriend made a save in a soccer game.

That's how I knew he was a keeper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know why those automatic sensor sinks save water?

Because none of them fucking work

I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, "You need to be saved or you'll burn!"

Stupid firemen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God will save me

Heard this a while back at summer camp or something of the like. Haven't seen it on here yet.

A man is drowning in a lake. A boat drives up and the captain asks him, "hey buddy, need any help?"
The man responds, "No, God will save me."

The captain reluctantly goes about his way an...

You shouldn’t hate everyone who comes to your house to ‘save you or you’ll burn’

Sometimes they’re firemen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man donates blood to save his wife.

In a life or death situation a man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

However, a few months later they get divorced. At the divorce hearing the man demands his blood back.

After receiving a tampon to the face, he yells angrily, "What the fuck was that?!"

To which the wife r...

Jesus Saves

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. The y had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours,...

The firemen wouldn't come save my cat from a tree because it isn't an emergency

So I set the tree on fire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she’d like us to save money for her to get breast implants

I told her, “Why? All you need to do is rub some toilet paper between your breasts every day.”

She said, “What the hell is that going to do?”

I said, “I don’t know but it seems to have worked wonders on your ass.”

God Will Save Me

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God...

I went on a camping trip to try to save the dolphins.

It was a waste of time for all in tents and porpoises.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 19 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A teenager goes to confession.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned," he says. "I have been masturbating."

"Ah, my son, this is not uncommon. But you must save that for marriage. Your penance is to say a decade of the rosary," says the priest.

Many years later, the teenager, now a grown man, goes back to confession w...

My God will save me

Just to start off, this joke was considered blasphemy by a devout Christian. Sorry if it offends you for whatever reason.

John was on the roof of his house as the city was flooding.

A raft stops by and ask the man, "Hey, jump into the raft. The entire city is flooded and you're going t...

My wife asked me if there are any ways to save our marriage

I said yes, there are threeways

Punctuation saves lives.

For example, there is a big difference in:

Let’s eat Grandma!

and

Let’s eat punctuation!

Please help me I'm trapped. In a Haiku factory.

Save me before they

Why was the woodman able to save Little Red Riding Hood and her grandma so quickly?

Because he knew "Inside every wolf there are two people..."

A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...

"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"

The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"

"God Save the Queen" seems an ill-fitting anthem following the coronation of King Charles III

The obvious choice for the replacement is the "Charles in Charge" theme song.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky wrote “Beauty Will Save the World”...

So I'm just gonna relax because this obviously doesn't concern me.

How many misogynists did it take to save Timmy from downing in the pond?

It was a well, actually.

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man donates blood to save his Wife's life.

Later they split up, Husband says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife puts her hand in her panties and pulls out a tampon, she then throws it at him and says I'll pay monthly.

If you want to save money this Christmas.

Now is the perfect time to tell the kids.

Santa didn't make it through the pandemic..

How did Minnie save Mickey from drowning?

Mouse to mouse resuscitation.

Me : God save me...

God : as jpg or png???

Your boyfriend and brother are drowning and you can only save one, who do you save?

I’d save them both because they’re the same person!

A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say-

-A E I O U

Due to the recession and to save on energy costs,

the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.

God Will Save Me

A heavy rain began to fall onto a small town. Townspeople were instructed to evacuate as it was believed the rain would not stop and floods were coming.

One man refused to leave. A van pulled up in front of the house and emergency personnel instructed the man to evacuate as the rain became he...

The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is grou...

Boris saves Christmas .....

Driver shortages will soon be a thing of the past as Boris has personally ordered 50000 fridge magnets from Amazon today. A reporter asked how that will help to which trolley replies "well we know there are two poles in a magnet..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saving money

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into an old school china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to Save a Life

Joe and Billy-Bob, two of the most country boys that ever did live, were sitting down in a resturant visiting the big city. The meal was going well until they saw a woman across the resturant stand up gasping and holding her throat.

"Help she's choking!" someone shouted, and panic ensued. Peo...

Putin could’ve saved Trump from this....

Putin on a mask anyway

Jesus saves!

Moses invests!

But only Buddha guarantees returns.

A blonde saved enough money to buy a convertible.

So she goes out for a drive into the country. Top down, music blaring, what people stereotypically do in convertibles.

She gets to the middle of a field, and sees her friend, who is also blonde, rowing in a boat. In the middle of a field.

She puts her car in park and steps out.

...

Saved some money on the gift, though!

I recently received an invitation to a wedding that would have been difficult to attend.

In hindsight, "Maybe next time" probably wasn't the best RSVP.

What do you get when you save a damsel in distress?

A damsel out of dis dress.

Save me, Doc

A man just back from a long trip through the tropics starts feeling very unwell. He goes to see his doctor, but passes out in the office and is rushed to hospital for tests.

The man wakes up alone in a private room, feeling awful, wondering what is happening to him. Soon, a phone by his bed r...

Where do meteorologists save their wheather predictions?

In the cloud.

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

They say Jesus saves.

I wonder if he uses auto, manual or quick saves.

My friend posted in facebook '#prayforafghanistan. Save them from Taliban'

I replied ' if anything that Taliban does better than us, it's praying '

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Only Oral can Save Her

Courtesy of the great Norm Macdonald......

A man's wife goes into a coma.

The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have oral sex with her"

The man says"my god...."

Doctor says "I know I know, but I'v...

Why do millenials think the government saved their lives?

Because they are indebted to it forever.

In these times of economic hardship and a looming recession, it's important to remember that Jesus Saves!

By using double coupons and shopping wisely.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.