Paying Jokes - 63 Hilarious Paying Jokes

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

Are you sweating whilst putting fuel in your car? Feeling sick when paying?

You have got the carownervirus

Trying to date women is a lot like paying taxes in the U.S.

they both know what needs to be done and *could* tell you but instead you're the one who needs to figure it out

I stopped paying attention to movie reviews after critics raved about The Green Mile.

Great concept, but terrible execution.

Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs

...like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.

I explained to my wife that we’ll be paying twice as much as our house is worth over the life of our 30-year mortgage.

She said “interesting.”

The worst thing about circumcision is paying full price..

..and still having to leave a tip

If you watch Jeopardy backwards, it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions.

That is all.

So I was paying for my lunch the other day

And there were 2 cash registers. It was halloween at the time and they were selling ghost cookies. I said to the cashier "Could I have a ghost cookie please?" And a woman at the other cash register said the same. Then I said "I guess you could say they're selling like ghost cookies!"

*strums ...

We, the taxpayers, keep paying to send Trump on very expensive trips overseas.

It might be worth it too, except he keeps coming back.

Going to the gym must be really paying off.

Everytime I leave the room I hear people say 'what an ass'.

The wage gap isn't real.

Men simply focus on getting the higher paying jobs like scientist, doctor, engineer. Meanwhile, women tend to go towards the lower paying jobs, like female scientist, female doctor and female engineer.

Which monster is best at paying attention to a speech?

Mummies. They sit there rapt.

It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

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Honest, officer, I was not paying this woman for sex.

I was paying her to lower her standards.

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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention

So she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If yo...

My boss said I’m a worker worth paying attention to

Unfortunately, he said it to the security guard.

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

If everyone stopped paying taxes...

The government couldn't afford to do anything about it.....

Netflix’s new subscription fees are so high I’ve had to stop paying the heating bill,

Brings a whole new meaning to Netflix and chill…

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

If Mexico is paying for the wall and China paying for the tariffs

Can somebody pay for my bills?

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Three surgeons were siting around discussing who had the best paying operation.

First surgeon says he transplanted a West African penis onto a Japanese man for 10k.

Second surgeon says that's nothing... I once transplanted the tongue of a poodle into a French man for 100k.

Third surgeon say I would have beaten that by transplanting tits onto the back of a sailor.....

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A store opens which sells husbands (long)

A few women think this is cool and decide to try it out. When they enter in the building, an employee tells them the rules: on each floor there is a door with a list of qualities the men on that floor possess. The women must choose whether to go into that floor to shop or move up to the next floor. ...

Paying tax is like smoking crack

I can quit any time I want

Son asks dad “how much does marriage cost?”

Dad: “i don’t know son I’m still paying for it”

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

The owners of a 'Happy Days' themed restaurant are being investigated for fraud for paying existing investors with new investors money.

Experts are referring to it as the world first Fonzie Scheme.

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Paying Respects

Two construction workers, Bill and Andy, were doing some maintenance on the side of the road when a funeral procession approached. Bill ceased working, laid down his shovel, removed his hardhat and looked on solemnly as the hearse passed by. Andy took notice and said "That's real kind of you Bill,...

Why paying professionals is so expensive?

Someone had a broken pump, he tried for hours to fix it but could not. Finally, exasperated he took it to the specialist. The professional took a look at the pump, plugged it in, took out a hammer and hit it once. Immediately the pump started working.

That would be $200 he said to the custom...

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

So I was rubbing down this broad at my massage therapy job, and I asked if her husband was paying.

She asked if i was a misogynist.

I said "Listen honey, its pronounced masseuse."

My friend shamed me for paying for a hooker...

...I do gotta admit, his mom was expensive.

What do you call an actor who finished paying-off his house loan?

Mortgage Freeman

What is the best paying job in the world?

I don’t know, but pizza chefs sure make a lot of dough

Before I got married I was in a store paying for groceries.

I had a quart of milk, a half dozen eggs and a TV dinner. The cashier looks at me with a smile and says “You MUST be single!”
I said “Why do you say that?”
And she said “Because your so fu$king ugly!”

Liverpool have won the league, the government is paying people not to work....

Somewhere there's a scouser with a genie in a lamp wondering what to do with his last wish

A kid is selling lemonade…

The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1

A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.

The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.

As the construction worker walks away, he t...

I asked the mailman why he worked at such a low-paying job. He replied:

It's not about the money. It's about sending a message.

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

A man isn't paying attention when crossing the street

A man isn't paying attention when crossing the street and gets hit by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.

A policeman is despatched to inform the unfortunate man's family:

"There's no easy way to say this..."

I wondered why I was banned from dating sites for paying with Monopoly money.

But apparently that's not legal Tinder.

I remember paying $20 once to see Prince

.. but I partied like it was $19.99

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As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked ”Are you going to put that up yourself?”

No you sick fuck, I'm putting it up in the living room.

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

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I went to a prostitute and asked her if I could do her Greek style. "Sure" she said

So I fucked her in the ass and left without paying.

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Imagine being American, paying a shitton for Healthcare....

... And then never getting sick. What a sad life

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and sa...

Americans really get angry about politicians not paying taxes...

but they forget that their country is independent because some politicians didn't want to pay taxes.

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If you have sex with a hooker without paying

Is it shoplifting?

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I caught my uncle paying prostitute for sex, i was shocked

Never knew people get paid for sex.

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What did the prostitute say to her customer after he finished paying?

"It was a business doing pleasure with you."

My roommate is a yoga teacher and she’s stopped paying me rent. I told her that in that case she needs to leave and she just said:

“Nah I’mma stay”

What happens when a mixologist stops paying his child support.

They’d start garnishing his wages.

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A guy is paying for his shopping at a grocery store...

The cashier scans his items;

- A cucumber
- A large packet of rice
- Two bottles of red wine
- Frozen pork chops
- Dog food

Cashier: “you’re single aren’t you?”

Customer: “yes... how did you know?!”

Cashier: “Because you’re fucking ugly”

Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry...

So they open a florist shop. Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God, who seem to really have a way with their flowers, so business is quickly booming!

The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop, but they refuse.

A month late...

Jeff Bezos has announced that he will start paying a living wage

Or as his lawyer called it,"alimony."

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