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Offering Jokes

A stoner rubs a bong and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

The stoner says, "ok for my first wish, I want a six inch joint." And poof! A joint appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"For my second wish, I want a 12 inch blunt!" And poof! A blunt appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"Ok now ...

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A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.

It’s their Tit for Tat special.

There was a recall on bird food but most places are offering a refund if you return it.

It strikes me as odd that they would encourage you to give bad feed back.

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”

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If I'm offering you my seat, you fucking take it.

I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit

A store near me is offering a Columbus Day sale.

I'm going to walk in, take whatever I want, and kill anyone who tries to stop me.

I told my wife about a company offering personalized concrete busts, and asked her if she wanted to buy some.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves" she said

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

I tried to start a business offering balloon rides for fat people

But it never got off the ground.

Offering corpses for free isn't just a sign that someone might be crazy

I'ts a dead giveaway.

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A plastic surgeon was offering discounts on breast implants.

The sign read:

A sale of two titties

How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?

$5,318,008

Offering fruit to an Australian for breakfast may not make them happy..

..But a veggie might.

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Thanks to chip readers strangers are always offering sexual advice

Go ahead and insert it, It’s not in far enough, Put it in again, Pull it out, You pulled it out too soon,It works better if you hold it in there, It’s taking a little longer today than usual

I heard hookers are now offering the "Romney" for $1,000.

It includes every position.

I got an email offering the secret to reading maps backwards

It was spam

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God is Offering Commandments

God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

And the Germans asked, "what are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "Rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

...

My local funeral service is offering a 2-for-1 deal on coffins...

... but only to short people.

A priest is offering his condolences to a recently widowed man at his wife's funeral...

Priest :"I'm very sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do for you?"

Widower: "Can you give me the WiFi password for this place?"

Priest: "You realise we're about to bury your wife?"

Widower: "is that all lower case?"

Weekly Offering (NSFW)

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate....

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

To increase foreign currency reserves, the Government of China is offering a limited-time double exchange rate offer.

Buy Yuan get Yuan free.

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A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for that I grant you 3 wishes! What say you?"

The farmer thinks hard about his first wish, and finally says "I wish for the Mongol hoard to come invade Poland."

The Genie looks at the farmer, puzzled for a moment, then nods. The e...

It's obvious people offering UFO conspiracy theories don't understand basic science.

If they did, they'd be offering UFO conspiracy hypotheses.

I heard my local bank was offering mortgages with no interest, so I walked in and said, "I’m here to find out about mortgages." The worked looked at me and replied...

"I don’t really care."

The devil appears before a new lawyer, offering him a wish in exchange for his soul.

The lawyer, enthusiastically and without hesitation, wishes to be made “the best damn lawyer the us justice system has ever seen.” Surprised at the enthusiasm, the devil asks why he seemed so excited to throw away his soul for success in this life. The lawyer simply replies:

“If I’m going t...

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I saw a sign outside a farm offering free male cow waste

That's Bullshit, I thought to myself.

A local hospital is offering Black Friday specials on circumcisions.

Up to 50% off.

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A store announces that from 8:00 to 9:30 am they'll only be attending senior customers and offering discounts

By 7:30 there was already a big line of grandpas and grandmas waiting outside. Suddenly a nice car pulls up, a young man gets out and proceeds to cut in front of everyone. He gets immediately smacked in the head with a cane by an old lady. He brushes it off and keeps going. This time a lot of canes ...

Uber will be offering a new ride sharing service for people who need a getaway driver

They’re naming it, “Uber Yeets”

Colleges are still offering study abroad courses...

...via Zoom meeting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Pornhub is offering free premium membership in Italy because of the coronavirus.

Glad to see someone is willing to take a hands on approach to the situation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute approached me today offering to do anything I wanted for $10

guess who just got their car washed

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A traveler checked in at a hotel that advertised widely as offering

everything a client might desire.  The traveler at once called room service.  "I want to have brought to my room," he said, "a young virgin
between the ages of 18 and 19, who must have blonde hair and blue eyes. I also want sent up 4 pieces of strong rope, each exactly 4 feet in
length, and a ...

I’m a little suspicious of my roommate always offering to sell me old communist memorabilia.

It’s a big red flag for me.

Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea

I forgot that he only drinks realty

Blizzard Entertainment will need to stop offering Dental benefits

All their employees are way too afraid to open their mouths

McDonalds will soon be offering your choice of fillet steaks...

Big McStake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm offering free sex to all qualifying women...

Pro boner

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One day, a good-looking door-to-door seller knocks on the old lady's house and is offering the "world's best" vacuum cleaner...

He runs into the middle of the living room and bursts a cow dung on the floor.

"Madam", he says, "I swear to god, if I won't be able to clean the shit out of the carpet in 2 minutes, I will personally eat it".

The lady just smiles: "I hope you are hungry. The power is out since morni...

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.

It was a shot in the dark, but I took it

EA is now offering deferred-payment microtransactions...

Calling them E.A.I.O.U.s

My local church recently started offering gluten-free communion wafers....

They're called "I can't believe it's not Jesus"

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

He took out a business card, wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card ...

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A man goes up to his wife...

He holds out his hand offering her two aspirin and a glass of water.

She says with a puzzled look on her face "But I don't have a headache?"

He replies with a smirk on his face "good! We can have sex then."

What did ABCDE say when asked about offering the bulk discount for 5$?

"I'm not one to three for $5!"

I just thought this one up and was wondering if you guys could help me fine tune it or decide to abandon it.

I ran into a salesman offering me a pencil with invisible lead.

I almost bought it, but I couldn't really see the point.

My local tanning salon is offering an Easter special

You know, in case you've been in a cave for the last few days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with his monkey....

"Hey, you can't bring a monkey into my bar!" yells the barman.

"Ah, but he's trained and won't be a problem" replies man.

"Okay, but any funny stuff and you'll have to leave....what'll it be?" relents the barman.

"Just a beer would be great, thanks"

As the barman is pouri...

A local casino is offering marijuana infused beef to their best bettors.

That’s really high steaks for their high rollers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American missionary is in Thailand when he is approached by a man offering prostitutes...

The man says in broken English, "I have pretty girl for you!"

The missionary responds, "No thank you"

But he is persistent, "What you like? Long hair? Boobs? Legs?"

The missionary says, "No thank you. I am here to preach the words of Jesus."

The man says, "Oh! You want b...

WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER!

// THE POLICE

In honor of International Women's Day, I'm offering

free breast exams in my hotel room tonight!

I heard an Iraqi guitar tutor is offering to teach guitarists songs in obscure tunings

Lessons will be in BAGDAD

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