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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

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A man walked into a sandwich shop...

This shop was the talk of the town. Fresh and new delicious sandwiches made each day.

The man ordered a footlong sub sandwich with all the fillings. He sat down and took a bite.

And spat it out immediately in disgust.

The bread was stale, almost rock hard, and tasted foul. Th...

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read any of it.

I recently started a boat shop in my attic

The sails have been going though the roof.

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives". "You idiot" said the pharmacist "You can't treat a cough with laxatives". "Of course you can" the assistant replied "Look at him... hes too afraid to cough...

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

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My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall.... (NSFW-ish)

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"

The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,...

Did you hear about the shopping center that burned down?

Nothing was left but Kohl’s.

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks...

One of the Greek tragedians walks into a tailor's shop.

He's holding a bundle of tattered clothing in his hands. Upon entering, he thinks he recognizes the tailor and, surprised, asks, "Eumenides?" The tailor responds, "Yeah, Euripides?"

A chemist walk into his shop

To find a man leaning against a wall. ‘What’s up with him he asks his assistant’. ‘He came in for a bottle of cough syrup, but we didn’t have any’ the assistant explains..’so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead!’ ‘WHAT?’ Says the chemist, Horrified. ‘You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!’ ‘Of...

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A man goes into a book shop and asks the assistant, "I heard there's a new book just out about living with a small penis. I'm not sure what it's called. Have you got it in yet?"

Assistant: "Yes, that's the one."


(Other versions have been posted but I reckon this is the right formulation...)

Did you guys hear about the cheese shop explosion in France?

Da bries went *everywhere*

I was gonna start a butcher shop

But I hear it's a pretty cut throat business

What do you call it when you’re shopping for new eyebrows?

Browsing.

A German girl married a Spanish man

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain. She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt& show her thighs to enable the seller understand her.

This went on for sometime. One day she wanted to buy banana. So She took her husband to...

One day at Bass Pro Shop...

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a fishing rod for her son's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. An associate is standing there in dark shades. She says "Excuse me, could you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says "...

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.<...

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A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one afternoon discussing who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to philosophy.

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the G...

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A man walks into an insect shop...

and asks for several bags of cockroaches.

"What are you using all the cockroaches for?" the cashier asks.

"Well..." the man said, "the landlord asked I leave his property the same way I found it."

Walked into my barber's shop today and he said wow you really need a hair cut.

I said no I need them all cut.

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NSFW. A man went to the ice cream shop and ordered a chocolate cone...

“I’m sorry, Sir, we’re out of chocolate.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. I’ll have a chocolate cone with sprinkles then.”

“I’m sorry, Sir, but like I told you, we’re out of chocolate.”

“How about a chocolate/vanilla twist, then?”

“Let me ask you something. How do you spell the ‘va...

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

My dad is absolutely sick and tired of his job at the dry cleaners. I went to his shop the other day and he asked my advice on the situation.

I told him “Dad, I think I it’s time to throw in the towels“

A man walks into a pet shop and says “I purchased a parrot from this store a week ago and he has not yet spoken.”

The store owner says, “Well, some parrots are slower learners than others. Here’s a book of simple phrases you can teach your parrot.”

The man accepted the book, paid for it, and left.

The next day, the man walked into the store and said, “That bird still won’t talk.”

The store ...

A rabbit walks in to a cake shop.

He walks up to the counter and asks " Do you have a birthday cake with spinach?" "No I'm sorry we don't" says the store clerk. "Ok" says the rabbit and promptly bounces out of the store. The rabbit comes back a couple of times and asks the same question and gets the same answer so the store owner de...

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I just took my sausage dog back to the pet shop. Really disappointed with it.

The sausages it made were fucking disgusting.

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So this guy with three dicks walks into a clothier shop to buy a pair of tailored pants

When the pants are done the tailor asks how they fit him.

"Like a glove."

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Police have reported a man going into local craft shops and dipping his testicles in glitter

Its pretty nuts!!!

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet

Inspector: What is her height?

Husband: I never checked....

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim, can be healthy....

Inspector: Colour of her eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.....

Inspector: Colour of hair?

Husband: Not sure, changes with seasons...

A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide.

Printer: "Why do you need pages that long?"

Man: "Well, it's a long story."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

What does an angel say at a pastry shop?

Donut be afraid

A man is in peril, he’s just robbed a cheese shop...

And the police are closing in. From his pockets, he dumps all the Gruyere, all of the Cotswald, all of the Petit Basque. As he flees, chunks of Manchego and Ossau Iraty fly from his pockets... he flings the Roquefort, but it breaks up in his pocket and is sticky... he can’t get it out. He is stuck, ...

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A man walks into a coffee shop

And orders a shot of espresso with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. When he receives his order, he's dismayed to find only a shot of espresso.

"Hey!" he asks the barista, "why didn't you add the ice cream?"

"Sorry sir" he says, "affagato."

The only CD shop near my house sells nothing but old albums.

Guess there’s no hot singles in my area.

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New shop in town

Two businessmen in the centre of town were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're ...

Barber Shop

Guy moves to a new town and walks into a barbershop to get a haircut. 6 barbers no waiting. He sits down an soon after one of the barbers calls out 47 and everyone laughs. A minute later another barber calls out 25 again everyone laughs. Then one calls out 94 and everyone laughs so hard they have to...

"I can't find the shopping list."

He said listlessly.

Guy pops his head into a barber shop and asks “bob peters here”?

Barber says “no sir we just cut hair”

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What would a sadistic Sean Connery sex shop be called?

Lash But Not Leash

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees

The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many” I said.

“That one is a freebie”

An art collector walks by a shop and sees a stray cat drinking from a dish that looks very valuable.

The art collector asks the shop keeper if he could buy the cat.

The shop keeper tells him he can have it for $10.

The art collector asks if he could get the dish as well because the cats already familiar with it.

The shop keeper tells him he can't have it because its his lucky d...

Dude would pass by the barber shop every other day

Asking how many clients the barber had...
— how many today chief?
— just one. The barber said
— ok! Kinda busy. I’ll come back later! Thanks! The guy replied

The next day the same story.
— how many today chief?
— 3!
— sorry mate. Kind busy! Talk to you later!

That’...

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot.

The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That on...

A sign in a music shop

A sign in a music shop:

Gone chopin. Bach in a minuet

I took my bicycle to the bottle shop the other day...

I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the vodka and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.

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This guy goes to a barber shop......

Half way through his haircut the barber suddenly walks to a corner in the shop, unzips his fly and takes a piss on the floor. He then nonchalantly returns and continues with the haircut. After a few awkward minutes, the customer couldn't help but ask the barber why he took a piss on the shop's flo...

Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Meat.

I am opening a specialty shop that only sells flavored lube

It’s called Hole Foods

I quit my job at the furniture shop.

It didn't sit right with me.

A man is shopping without a mask on....

Man: *looks at store items without wearing a mask*

Shop Keeper: Hey sir, you can't shop hear without a mask on.

Man: Nah I have a Medical condition that makes it hard for me to breathe.

Shop Keeper: Oh, what condition?

Man: Covid-19

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Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

It’s weird how my friend quit her job and took out a loan to open an Etsy shop selling stickers, but whenever I ask how things are going it’s just...

*Cricut sounds*

Two guys go into a hat shop run by a cyclops.

One of them says "That's the one I'd get". So the cyclops hit him.

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

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A woman walks into a pet shop looking for a bird. The employee of the pet shop walks up to her and asks, "What are you looking for?"

The woman explains she wants a bird who can sing. The employee explains "We have one, but he only sings Christmas songs". The womans says "well I'd love to see it!" The employee walks into the backroom and brings out a pretty, brown parrot. "His name is Chet and he only sings when you light a fire u...

Where does the chicken shop for their shoes?

Reebokbok

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

If you are planning on opening a clock/watch repair shop, I've got the perfect name for it...

Uncertain Times

A young man was shopping in a department store. He sees an extremely attractive salesgirl and says, "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife, but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

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A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

I noticed a barista working alone in a small shop was still wearing a mask.

She said, "this is a coughy filter"

I’m visually impaired and the other day I decided to go to the shop

I walked into the shop

and then I went inside.

For my friend’s birthday, I just bought him a giant clock after 2 hours of shopping.

Time to wrap it up.

One day, a group of friars decides to open a flower shop as a way to raise money for their belfry.

Because they are men of God and pillars of the community, the locals start to buy all of their flowers from them. This draws the anger of another local florist, who sees the holy men as having an unfair advantage due to their association with the church.
After making countless attempts to put p...

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

Eeeeee....

I walked into the shop, glimpsing my beard covered in snow as I entered

"You're a few weeks late aren't you Santa?" the girl behind the counter joked, smiling.

"Ho, ho, ho!" I fired back at her, in an uncharacteristic misogynistic outburst.

I had a butcher come into my shop and introduce me to his wife...

He said, "Meet Patty".

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit.

After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile. The wife said, "Where are you?"

He said,...

How Long?

This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"...

Due to social distancing, only six of the seven dwarfs can meet at their favorite coffee shop.

One of them isn't Happy.

My Girlfriend And I Went Online Shopping For Clothes While I Had Covid

She says I have no taste

I'm starting up a local coffee shop and marketing it as an Ashley Madison meetup spot.

I'm calling it Grounds for Divorce.

This guy was shopping in town with his wife on Christmas Eve.

They got separated so she called him on his phone and said: "Where are you?" The guy said, "Do you remember that little jewelry store we went to last year where you saw the diamond bracelet that you loved but I didn't have enough money to buy it?" She said "Yes! Yes! I remember!" So the guy said, "I...

I opened an awful men’s wig shop.

It’s called hell toupee.

What's common between a sperm bank and a coffee shop?

you can get a Cup o' Joe at both places.

A man who owned a flower shop

He was very successful, had lots of business for many years. Then one day some catholic monks came into town and opened up their own flower shop across from his. It only took a few weeks for the man to lose all his business and nearly go bankrupt. Knowing it was because of the flower shop across the...

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

A robot walks into a barber shop.

The barber is shaving customer's beard when the robot enters and waves at him. The barber smiles and asks the customer: "See this robot? Guy thinks he's so smart, but lemme show you something. You'll be surprised how dumb these machines actually are."

"Hey, robot, look at me!" the barber says...

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A man walks into a cheese shop

"Welcome to the towns greatest cheese shop. We have all that you might want. So, what will it be?" asks the clerk.

"Nacho cheese" responds the man

Suddenly angry, the clerk shouts at the man: "Then why the fuck are you here!"

I called my dad from the shop saying I’d forgotten what orange juice he asked for.

“Concentrate” he said, but I still couldn’t remember!

A guy walks into a pawn shop, there's a brass statue of a cat.

He asks the shopkeeper, "How much for the statue?" Shopkeeper replies, "$20 for the statue, $20,000 for the story." He says various unkind words, pays $20 and takes his statue.

He walks down the street, but he starts hearing a murmuring noise behind him. Something small and subtle, he can't p...

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A man goes into a baker's shop

A  Man goes into a baker's shop and asks for two bread rolls. The shopkeeper picks up two rolls with a pair of tongs and puts them in a paper bag.

The man then asks for two cakes. Again, the shopkeeper picks them up with the tongs and puts them in the bag.

The man says, "It’s nice to s...

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Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop

He says “can you make me one with everything?”

My mum has a small shop near the beach, where you can buy batteries ...

She sells C cells by the seashore.

Why is it so hard to shop for Darth Vader for Christmas?

Because he can feel your presents.

What do you call a priest in a candy shop?

A scout

Where does Donald Trump like to do his shopping?

Traitor Joe's.


^(Gotcha!)

A little girl walk into a pet shop...

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks for a bunny. The worker says” the fluffy white one or the fluffy brown one”? The girl then says, I don’t think my python really cares.

A Man walks into an optometrist shop

He says," I think my vision is a little blurry, I may need glasses"

"Oh you need glasses for sure"

The man is perplexed," how can you be so sure without testing,?"

"Oh, I am sure, because this is the bank"

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Two friends are sitting in a coffee shop.

One glances up and sees an Asian man sitting at a table nearby and says to his buddy, "I reckon that's a Japanese man over there. With his business suit and laptop."

"Hmmm, I think they're Chinese. His ponytail and long mustache gives it away." Replied his friend.

Luckily a third frien...

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Did you hear that the Trump press conference today was held between landscaping store and a porno shop?

Turns out, he was just looking for a new hoe.

...ugh, I know this is terrible. Must do better.

Like, something something Bushwhacked.

'little help?

Why do the Autobots do their Christmas shopping at night?

Because that's when they get pajamas on Prime.


It's okay, even I would downvote this.

My local book shop had a sale on "1/3 off all titles"

I scored a pristine hardback copy of 'The Lion, The Witch'

A Blonde goes to a shop and selects a TV for purchase.

Blonde: Hey I would like to buy that Television!

Shopkeeper: Sorry! We don't serve blondes.

*The Blonde gets furious and leaves. She comes back with a brown wig the day after.*

Blonde: I'd like to buy that Television over there

Shopkeeper: Nice try with the Wig, but we do...

A man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him...

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay".

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Goodbye Mum" as I leave the store, it would ...

After 20 years, I retired from our local muffler repair shop.

I was exhausted.

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My local sex shop has caused controversy.

They announced they are going to start selling Lager flavored gel that is 5.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their privates in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex.

Campaigners have condemned the move because of fears it will

lead to 24 hour minge drinking.

Took my car to the shop.

I kept hearing a high pitched shrieking noise. The mechanic found a Mariah Carey Christmas CD stuck in the CD player.

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The Sex Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase smoe see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and...

I was buying the wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant;

“Are these knickers satin?"
"No” she said, “They’re brand new...”

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A Russian Jew goes into a coffee shop after the fall of the Soviet Union

“Excuse me, waiter, please bring me the most recent edition of Pravda” he asks.

The waiter replies “I’m sorry sir, but the Soviet Union has fallen and Pravda is no longer published”

“Very well, please bring me a coffee then”.

The next day, the Jew comes in again, and again ask...

One day, a shopkeeper put his dumb son incharge of his shop as he had to go out of town .

A customer comes in and asks, "Can I get a Tropicana Orange juice bottle?"

The son searches in the shop for sometime, sways his head and says, "No, we don't have a Tropicana Orange juice bottle."

That night, when the son tells this to his father, he angrily says, "Fool! We had minute m...

Going to the local tattoo shop to get a realistic tattoo of a band aid on my elbow.

I'm just hoping that they can pull it off!

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

The Dalai Lama walks in to a pizza shop

He asks "Can you make me one with everything?"

He hands over $50, and the shopkeeper gives him his pizza, but no change.

"Where's my change?" asks the Dalai Lama

"Change comes from within"

What did the Greek philosopher name his religious themed screen printing shop in France.

Sacre' T's

My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer.

Hans is literally the wurst.

I was told that a mask and gloves were enough to go shopping with...

I was lied to. Everyone else had clothes on.

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I went to a pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’ The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I sco...

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My shop class teacher told me this one.

A physics teacher, an engineering teacher, and a shop class teacher all get on a plane.

As they're getting comfortable, the pilot comes in over the intercom. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen," he says, "I understand we have some teachers on our flight. We've got a special treat for them: ...

Have you heard about the fight in the fish and chip shop?

2 fish got battered.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer

“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid ...

My wife told me we need to go shopping, we are low on spices

It is The End of Thyme .

I went to the pawn shop yesterday to raise some funds to pay some bills.

They gave me $4500 and never even took the gun!

Morris was going through an old drawer, and he discovered a ticket for the cobbler shop, dated about 40 years ago.

He remembered having brought in his spare loafers to get new heels, so many years ago, and somehow he had forgotten all about them.

"I wonder if old Gelbstein still has his shop? It's been so long since I was even in that part of the city."

So Morris goes down there, and to his amazem...

A lady golfer runs into the pro shop with tears running down her face.

"Help!" she cries. "I've been stung by a killer hornet!"

"Where?" asks the pro.

"Between the first and second holes!" wails the lady golfer.

"Hmm..." says the pro. "Sounds like your stance is too wide."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Black Friday shopping during a pandemic is a lot like banging a back alley prostitute without a condom.

You know you might catch something, but you can't beat a great bargain.

(Nsfw) A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers.

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flower. She sighs and say "My boyfriend is buying me flowers again, now I 'll be expected to spend the weekend lay on my back with my legs in the air"

The blonde says: "Dont you have a vase?!"

Temel owes a lot of money to the local shops

Edit: Temel is a fictional character in Turkish jokes. Hope you like.

Temel owes a lot of money to the local shops. One day he wins the lottery and the locals wait for him to pay back what he owes – and maybe more. However three months down the line, Temel still hasn’t paid anything so the sh...

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.

Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."

The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do wa...

Was talking to my friend last week, asked how his wife was doing and he said to me he doesn't know she went to the shop for a bottle of milk 2 week ago and hasn't come back, I asked him how he was coping

He said I've been using the powdered milk its bloody horrible

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm trying to create a good ol fashion porn shop for us necrophiliacs. I know just what to call it

Welcome to the Creamatorium

Turns out having Rick Astley work at a video rental shop is a bad idea.

We had a lot of complaints of him never giving anyone Up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady walks into a jewelry shop and leans over to look at a ring.

While bent over, she lets out a ripper of a fart. Shocked, she looks at the clerk who appears not to have noticed.

"Excuse me sir," she asks. "How much is this ring?"

The clerk walks over, looks her in the eyes and says:

"If you farted when you saw it, you'll shit yourself when...

Gentlemen walking down the street stops by the barber shop

He opens the door, sticks his head in and says, "Bob Peters here?"

Barber says, "Nope, we just do shaves and haircuts."

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.

"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet - no cats, dogs, or birds - I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the u...

What’s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?

Heaven ice day

What's the name of the clothes shop Michael Jackson visited the most?

Billie JEANS

A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...

The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:

- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German

- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.

- Well, he...<...

A man is in a cosmetic shop, then a female worker asks him:"Do you want Head and Shoulders sir?"

Then the man responds:"Yes, but how did you know my name was 'and Shoulders'? "

Quasimodo's mother returns from grocery shopping with, among the groceries, a large steel wok.

"Oh, mummy, this is wonderful," says Quasimodo. "I just love Chinese food!"

"It's not for cooking," says his mother, "it's for ironing your shirts."

The Sahara's trendiest neighbourhood has a new shop.

Store in a cool dry place.

Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.

Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(

I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch batteries fitted, £2.50."

I thought “Why would anyone pay to see that?”

What did the retired priest call his pizza shop?

Cheesus Crust

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An adult toy shop hired a new employee

The boss welcomes him on his first day and tells him that he has to leave for a while. "Will you be able to handle the store alone today?"

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's motivation, he finally agrees. The boss leaves.

After some time a white woman walks in....

I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying "CHAMELEON"....

(stand back and watch the fun.)

I went to the shop to buy a foot pump for our new air bed. I was shocked by how much the price had risen since the last pump I purchased.

But yer, I suppose that’s the cost of inflation.

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It's my cake day, so here's a classic!

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a sex shop and...

Honey, I need you to come chair shopping with me!

Because I’m a bad judge of chairacter.

Where did Luke Skywalker go shopping between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi?

Second Hand Store

Where do sheep go shopping?

The baazaar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a really nice girl on a first date.

Her: I bathe in milk, can you go to the shop and get some please.

Me: Pasteurized.?

Her: No just up to my tits will be fine...

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