Earn Jokes - 88 Hilarious Earn Jokes

18 year old Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree.

Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”

What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?

By selling your camera.

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "H...

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation....

and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntl...

What do you call a bunch of crows that just earned a BS in Biology?

First Degree Pre-med Murder.

Sorry in advance. I'm in the middle of studying criminal law for the bar and know this is super dumb.

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I like to give a percentage of my earnings to Charity....

......and other strippers.

“Wonder Woman” earned $300 million worldwide in first week.

"Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.

How much a civil engineer earns?

Enough to make lands meet.

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year

than a professional athlete earns in a whole day.

When I was young, losing teeth would earn me money.

Now I'm old, earning money will gain me teeth.

I am earning 5,000 monthly

Last month I received 7,000 and I kept quiet.

This month I got 3,000 so I went to HR to complain.

HR asked "why didn't you complain when you received extra last month?"

I replied "I will normally forgive the first mistake, but I can't tolerate the second."

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How does an Alchemist prostitute earn his pay?

Elixir formula.

I’m a good man. I give about 50% of my earnings to Charity.

Except for when she’s not working…Then I give it to Destiny.

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

Donald J. Trump has been impeached

Finally, something he's earned

I've just accidentally let slip to the family that I lied about earning my biology degree.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

A Blonde girl is going door to door trying to earn money for college.

She comes to one guy's house and rings the doorbell.

"Yes?" the man answers.

"Hi there!" greets the blonde happily. "I'm trying to earn money for college. Do you have any jobs around the house you need done?"

The guy smiles. "Sorry, sweetheart, not really. I was gonna paint th...

If you're mad about people receiving forgiveness, without earning it

I have some terrible news about Jesus

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How do strippers earn money during COVID times?

They twerk from home.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

A Union Steward goes to a brothel . . .

. . . and asks the Madam "Is this a union house?"

"No it's not" she replies.

"How much do the girls earn?" the union man asks.

"You pay me $500, the house gets $400 and the girl gets $100"

"That's crass exploitation!" the man yells and stomps out.

Eventually he fi...

Where are those guys who told me I can earn 5k a month by sitting at home. We need to talk.

Sorry for ignoring you in the past.

A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man...

...and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says.

The Mexican responds, “How a...

How to earn more trust and love by your spouse

I was advised to do this trusted trick. As per the plan, I was supposed to tell her in a romantic setting; how lucky I am though I do not deserve her being such a good person. Did everything right, I was about to tell her but she made my job easier. She told the same instead.

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed...

I bought Pfizer years ago and was so excited to earn millions when they announced their COVID vaccine...

Oops.... Turns out I bought Pfizer Total Landscaping instead. Oh well. Maybe I could rent the place out for a news conference?

2 boys were talking...

2 boys were talking and one said to the other, "There is an easy way to earn money..The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."The boy jumps up to his dad, "I know your secret!" dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."The boy then runs to his mom, "I ...

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If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

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Convert Today! Earn $5000.

(More Jewish inspired jokes)

These two rabbis are walking down the street. As they're walking, they pass a church with a large banner hanging above them that says across it:

CONVERT TODAY! EARN $5000.

The rabbis are perplexed by this. There is no way that this could be the real ...

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

I heard women in this country only get 78¢ for every dollar a man earns...

On the bright side, we get to keep 22¢

What’s the quickest way to earn karma using your sword-fighting abilities?

Riposte

The UK just passed a law so that corporations have to post earnings statements in public spaces to be accessible, like in parks, metro stations, high-density residential areas...

And the words of the profits are written on the subway walls and tenement halls.

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

I earned an Oscar for being the best producer.

He was born and named yesterday after my long fight against fertility.

A blonde goes to a blood bank to earn a little money to pay the bills...

She steps into the elevator along with an attractive young man.

"Are you going to the blood bank too?" she inquires.

"no" he replies: "I go to the sperm bank, because I get four times the cash as I get for a pint of blood".

A week later, they meet again in the same elevator. The...

Dennis Rodman earns himself a cameo in Kazaam 2.

Knowing full well that this would be a large production, he decided to arrive on set well before his scheduled scene was meant to be filmed. Even with his prudent planning, when he drove onto the lot, there was only one spot left and so he took it. As soon he stepped out his vehicle however, he was ...

I recently earned 5 times the money I earned before

5x0=0

The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

"Da...

The best way to earn money!

A man named John goes abroad to meet his old friend Mark he had not seen in a while.

As he arrives at the airport, goes outside, there, Mark is waiting in his private limousine.

John is a little amazed, but not anything special. As they arrive, John is impressed to see a giant mansion!...

I just earned my degree in college.

Is it just me or is it getting slightly hotter in here?

My dad rewards me when I earn a good report card, but any “C”s are punished with unbearable dad-jokes.

He likes to call it the carrot and schtick method of parenting.

What do you call a can that earns a degree?

A graduated cylinder.

What do you call a Mongol leader who swindles people out of their hard earned cash?

Ghengis Khan Man.

So I am already busy earning my second million.

Because earning the first million failed

How do you earn a small fortune by gambling?

You start with a big fortune.

A young kid came back from school and learned a new way to earn money from his friends..

He simply had to say to anyone close to him:

“I know everything.”

And that will reward him with money!

The kid first went to his father, he approach him and said “Dad, I know everything.” His dad’s eyes widened and quickly gave him 100$ and said “Shh. Don’t tell anyone please.”....

How does a fencer earn their karma?

Ripostes.

A large study shows that educational achievement and earned income strongly correlated with height.

A study carried out among hundreds of elementary school classes showed the tallest person in the room almost always had the highest income and education level.

How did Donald Trump earn his millions?

He started with his dad's billions.

Disabled people have earned the word “special.” Special needs, special school and special requirements...

So it always alarms me when I hear special forces going to war!

My grandfather used to earn a living as a contortionist

But lately he's struggling to make ends meet.

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I...

Blind people earn more every week than a sighted person.

There's always little bumps in their salary.

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A jew sees an opportunity to earn easy money

In advertisement on a wall, a jobless Russian offers a great deal, he claim to cure anyone of any condition for a mere 5000 euro, and if he fail he promises to pay 10 000 euro back . A passing jew sees this opportunity, and decides to earn some easy money and so he enters the building..

J...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

Women always call me ugly until they find out what I earn.

Then they call me poor.

Who earns his salary without working a single day?

A night watchman

Why did the woman wear condom earnings?

So she wouldn’t get hearing aids

What do you call a couple who decided on a career together in retail after both having earned their Doctorates?

A Paradox!

Apple better watch its quarterly earnings, its latest iPhone has competition

It's called Charmin Ultra Soft

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the g...

It's not going to be easy for Joe Biden to earn the votes of Bernie's supporters.

Not even Bernie himself could do it.

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A penny saved is a penny earned....

...but a penny earned isn't anything to fucking brag about

Why Businessmen earn more than engineers !

Our mechanic's professor's reasoning of

"Why businessmen earn more than engineers ! "

If we equate the two variables namely into the two field's general statements,

- Time is money
- Knowledge is power

We know,

- Power = Work / Time

Substitute the variab...

What did the pacifist cannibal do to earn his bad reputation?

Nothing. He's just full of himself.

Who earns a living driving their customers away?

A taxi driver

What's the most honest way to earn a living as a seamstress?

The Ernest Hemingway

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a...

How do you call the money earned by a sewage company?

Gross Profit.

Why did the scarecrow earn a promotion?

Because it was outstanding in its field

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

To earn extra money, I started a home-based business building small boats in my attic ...

Business was really slow until I switched to larger vessels, and now sails are through the roof!

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third B...

I Dyed A Bit When I Wrote This

Many years ago, I came home from work one day and noticed my fiance had dyed her hair.

“Purple, really?”

“Fushia”

“What’s the difference?”

“Fuschia is purple with some red and pink in it., It’s not really purple.”

I gave her a hard time for a long time, until she g...

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After 40 years as a gynecologist,

John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. ...

How do you make a small fortune after earning a degree in political science?

Start with a large fortune and know when to stop.

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

Anyone can make $1m a year by simply putting $50m in a bank for the interest. Bit not everyone knows how to earn $50m. I do

Put $2.5b in a bank.

The Doctor and the Rich Man

An immigrant doctor decided to start his own clinic one day.
He put a sign in front of it that says if he can't cure your illness, he'll give you 100 dollars. If he can, you have to pay 20 dollars.
A young rich man passes by, sees the sign, and thinks it's a good opportunity to earn 100 bu...

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A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare...

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My wife and I we're having financial troubles, so I sent her to the streets to earn extra income.

She ended up bringing me $24.25

I asked her, "who's the cheap ass that gave ypu only a quarter?"

She replied "all of them"

I’m a recovering kleptomaniac looking to open up my restaurant later this year. Got a job yesterday and used my earnings to pay for a Chinese cooking pan.

It ain’t much, but it’s honest wok.

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Twenty Dollats

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for her virginity. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was aCute way for her to afford ne...

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Two Jews are walking past a church

Two Jews are walking past a church. The signboard reads "Convert to Christianity today and earn $100!"

The first Jew says, "What a load of crap. Proselytizing schmucks!"

The second Jew says, "I don't know, one hundred dollars is one hundred dollars."

"You can't be serious," says...

I bet the way a young lady earns a "Girls Gone Wild" shirt is very similar to

the way a young man earns a Penn State sweatshirt.

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