Borrow Jokes - 92 Hilarious Borrow Jokes

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

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A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow

his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:"no", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: "Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. S...

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection...

Except Up.
He’s never gonna give you Up.

"Do you want to borrow my book of recycled jokes?"

No thanks, I've already Reddit.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. I lost Interest in that relationship.

I went to the local video shop and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.

They said no, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow.

CHRIS: Hey can I borrow a ten?

KRISTEN: Sure

CHRISTEN: Thanks!

KRIS: Any time!

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A girl comes up to her stepdad and asks to borrow his car.

The stepdad denies her so she begs and begs and begs until finally the stepdad says, “fine, I’ll let you borrow the car if you drop on your knees and suck my dick.”

Disgusted, she turns around and goes back to her room.

30 mins later, she comes back to ask again because she really nee...

AN old man asks to borrow his son's newspaper

The son points out that this is the 21st century, and nobody wastes money on newspapers anymore. He lends his dad his iPad instead.

That spider never knew what hit him.

Borrow a dollar

An army officer asks to borrow a dollar from a soldier. "Sure, buddy," says the soldier. "That's no way to address a superior!" screams the officer.

"Now let's try that again. May I borrow a dollar, private?" "Sir, no, sir."

- Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds?

- 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?

Happen in real life and wanted to share; My friend is always asking to borrow my power bank, so I said I should be charging you for this. Another guy nearby said immediately:

And another guy said immediately: You will make bank if you do.

The relative who wanted to borrow money

A relative just called & asked if I would loan her $1300.00 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out friends & family. I told her to give me some time to think about it & I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called & to...

One day John asks his friend Arty to borrow a dollar

Of course Arty obliged and lent his friend the money without a second thought.

A few weeks had passed by and everytime Arty asked John if he could have his dollar back he would reply "no worries mate, I'll have it next time I see you." This went on for sometime until one day Arty passed John...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

I went to the library. I said,"Can I borrow a book about suicide?"

The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."

I asked my Mom if I could borrow some of her sleeping pills..

she said sure knock yourself out!

I let my blind friend borrow money

He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me...

An older joke but a good one- A frog goes into the bank…

and hops up to a teller. He can see from her name plate that she is called Patricia Whack,
so he says "Ms. Whack, I'd like to borrow $30,000, please."
The teller asks for his name and the frog replies that he is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and a personal friend of the bank manager. Unc...

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So I borrowed money from a buddy who runs a school…

I thought I paid him back but then he tells me I still owe him $8.43. It was then I realized I had only paid the principal

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

Can I borrow your dog ?

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.
A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached t...

Son: Hey dad, can I borrow ten dollars in Bitcoin?

Dad: Twenty dollars and thirteen cents? Why in God's name do you need to borrow nine dollars and sixty-seven cents?

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

I asked my friend if I can borrow his nunchucks.

He said “Sure knock yourself out”

That’s the last thing I remember.

A man who made tie-dyed shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his business.

While filling out the documents, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of dye all over his paperwork. The poor man dyed a loan.

Does anybody have a scale I could borrow?

I just bought a bag of red hot chili peppers and I need to give it a weigh! Give it a weigh! Give it a weigh nowww!

Hey Ryu, can I borrow $20?

Shoryuken!

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Three moles are crawling through their borrow on their way to breakfast, one right after the other.

The first mole says, “I can already smell that sizzling bacon.”

The second mole says, “I’m pretty sure I can smell hot pancakes with fresh butter and syrup.”

The last mole says, “the only thing I can smell is molasses.”

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A man approaches his best friend's wife one day

when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.

"No. My husband wouldn't approve."

"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"

"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."

So the man sh...

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

Always borrow money from a pessimist.

He doesn't expect to be paid back.

You have $500 dollars. Your friend wants to borrow $200 and your girlfriend wants $100.

What do you have left?

$500 and two left on read messages.

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Borrowed the Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been retur...

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There's a young couple that's down on their luck and don't have enough money for rent.

So they talk it over and decide that she'll go and stand on the corner. The first guy that comes up asks how much for sex? and she told him a hundred dollars. He says that he only has forty so she says she'll blow him for that. They go into the alley and when he pulls his pants down she sees he has ...

A Jewish kid asks his father if he can borrow $50.

His father replies

“40 dollars?”
“What do you want 30 dollars for?

I asked my dad if I could borrow 50 dollars to buy stuff for Hanukkah...

He said "40 dollars? What do you need $30 dollars for?"

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

My roommate borrowed my mayo and never gave it back.

What the Hellmann?

My friend wanted to borrow my fennec

No fox given

A Jewish kid goes to his dad and says, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty bucks".

The dad says, "Forty bucks? I don't have thirty bucks, what do you need twenty bucks for?"

I was visiting my daughter last night and asked if I could borrow the newspaper...

"This is the 21st Century". She said

"We don't waste money on newspapers, here use this iPad."

All I can tell you is this.

That fly never knew what hit him.

I dont even know what borrowing language is...

But I'll take your word for it.

"May I borrow your foot pump?"

"Why? Have you got flat feet?"

A New York accountant asks to borrow his friends car...

He says, "I promise it'll be worth you're while, I'd-appreciate it"

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabberg...

I tried borrowing the book 1984 but it was out of stock

Literally 1984

I asked my wife for a newspaper. She said not to be daft and to borrow her iPad.

That spider didn't know what hit it.

Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Jimmy: Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don't know, can you?

Jimmy: What? Last time I asked, you told me to use "May I". So unfair!

Teacher: Quit clowning around, Jimmy, you know you can't borrow a pencil over Zoom.

Have a turkish joke

A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"

I had to borrow a truck from my good friend Ben Thunder.

I have Ben Thunder's truck.

My mother-in-law asked to borrow $10,000

She can’t pay it back and now she won’t speak to me.

Best ten grand I ever spent.

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(Long) (Borrowed from Ron Swanson) McGregor walks into a bar...

McGregor walks into a bar and tells a man at the bar "I built this bar with my own hands. I cut the wood, laminated the planks, planed it down, and finished it. Do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No. Come outside with me." McGregor takes the man outside. He points to a stone wall and says, "I...

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Neighbor

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the cou...

I borrowed my umbrella to a girl

That makes the number of girls I got wet this year equal to -1.

If someone can borrow me some extra chromo somes,

I'm down.

I need to beat some eggs. Will need to borrow one of my wife's kitchen utensils (she hates that)

A whisk I'm willing to take

How to borrow two rulers.

So I went over to my favorite teacher class and ask-
Me: "Mr Long can I get two rulers?"
Him: " Sure no problem" ( grabs rulers out of desk)
Me: "Thanks needed for a test"
Him: (thinking he is funny he says) "Hey don't mind the mark at 10 inches"
Me: "No problem! Why do you think ...

An anesthesiologist asks his colleague, "Man I borrow some chloroform?"

"Knock yourself out."

How do you borrow a book in Prague?

You Czech it out

I tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbor

... but he said he had naan.

What kind of fish lets you borrow money?

A loan shark

A German goes into a library and asks if he can borrow a book on war.

The librarian says, 'No, you've already lost it twice, you'll only lose it again!'

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Redneck daughter says "Daddy, can I borrow the truck?" (NSFW)

Her dad replies, "sure thing baby, but first, you gotta come I've here and suck my dick." So she goes down on him, but pulls away and yells, "damn Daddy, your dick tastes like shit!" Her dad says, "oh yeah, that's right, your brother borrowed the truck bout an hour ago, sorry."

If you need to borrow a quarter at school who do you ask?

The exchange students.

What do you call it when someone borrows money to buy cheese?

A Provo-loan

I borrowed my drug dealer's shoes recently

I dont know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

Hey, that hat you borrowed from me- do you know where it is?

Not off the top of my head.

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I just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library.

Some tosser has taken the appendix out.

What a dumb blonde... wait...

*Blonde goes into a bank

Blonde: I need a loan for $5,000.

Bank-teller: We'll need some sort of deposit.

Blonde: Ok, here's the keys to my car (Mercedes-Benz S600)

*Blonde leaves

Bank-teller(laughing): She's so stupid! Leaving a $100,000 car as a deposit for a $5,0...

A buddy of mine asked me to borrow my DVD box set of one of HBO's best shows...

...he came over and The Wire transfer was successful.

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A young man wants to borrow his dad's car

A young man who had just turned 16 wanted to take his dad's coveted Camaro for his first drive as a licensed adult. He goes to his dad and asks "Dad can I take the Camaro for my first drive?" the Dad says, "Well son, I just have one question: Can you touch your butthole with your dick?" The son, sho...

My parents always told me to put borrowed things back to its place.

So whenever I eat at a restaurant, I always put my used toothpick to where I got it.

Why did the bodybuilder borrow a dictionary?

Because he wanted to know how to define muscle.

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?

The prawnbroker.

Does anyone have a hammer I can borrow?

If not, a 3 day old Jimmy John's sandwich will work too.

A wife borrows her husbands car, loses control and wraps it around a pole

She calls him up to explain the situation and ends the call with "Should be fine though".

Livid, the husband demands to know what the hell she means by that.

Wife: "Well it's a Mercedez"

Husband: "Damn it woman, what has that got to do with anything?"

Wife...

Borrowed Car

One day Phil had to borrow a car, so he asked his friend Bob. Bob said that it was fine, so he gave Phil the keys and told him to return them by the end of the day. A week later, Phil hadn't returned the car. Bob called Phil angrily and asked why he hadn't given it back yet. Phil replied, "I drove b...

Sure, you can borrow my black and white fabric

Just don’t make a habit out of it

Did you hear about the musician who borrowed money from a loan shark?

He's in a whole lot of treble.

My homeboy Nick L. keeps borrowing money from my other homie Deion but I can't keep watching it happen...

I'm too old to watch Nick L. owe Deion.

Why is it difficult to borrow money from a leprechaun?

Because he’s always a little short.

I let my blonde friend borrow my car for a week

I called her up and said, "I'll be home at 2pm, come over, have some lunch, and drop my car off."

"Sure!" She said. "See you then."

2pm passes... 4pm passes... 8pm passes.

I call her up and say, "Where the hell are you?!"

"I drove by twice and didn't see your car in the ...

I asked Rick Astley if I could borrow some Disney DVDs...

He said, "You can take Cars and Lion King but I'm never gonna give you UP!"

Borrow a million dollars, and the bank owns you.

Borrow a 100 billion dollars and you own the bank.

Borrow $69 trillion dollars and you are the United States of America.

Teenager asks his father to borrow the car...

A teenager went to his Father and asked if he could borrow the car for a date. The Father sizes him up and says: "Tell you what: you get a proper haircut and I'll let you use my car."

The teenager had long hair and was quite proud of it, so he thought about the offer. The teenager then gets ...

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The guy borrowed a car...

and when he was supposed to return it, he said "I have good news and bad news."

The other guy groans and says "Aw, crap! Give me the bad news first!"

"I ran your car off a cliff."

"Ran it off a *cliff*! What could possibly be the good news?"

"The display ...

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A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length...

Can I borrow ten dollars?

Can I borrow ten dollars, but can you only give me five dollars now?

Why do I only want five dollars, you ask? Well, then you'd owe me five dollars, and I'd owe you five dollars, and then we'd both be even.

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A man went into a library and asked to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: 'Oh fuck off, I know you won't bring it back.'

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