Hey Ryu, can I borrow $20?

Shoryuken!

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.

He's never gonna give you up.

Whoever took my herbs last night:



You’re living on borrowed thyme

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went into a library and asked to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: 'Oh fuck off, I know you won't bring it back.'

I let a blind man borrow ten bucks.

He told me he’d pay me back the next time he sees me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man wal...

I was phoned by Rick Astley, who asked me to borrow some Pixar DVD's...

I said "Fair enough You can have 'Toy Story', 'A Bug's Life' and 'Finding Nemo' but I'm never gonna give you 'Up'".

A Foreigner wants to borrow land

\[Long\]

A Foreign man named "Paste" is looking to invest in a plot of land but is short 1/2 of the total cost.


The land he wants and feels is right for him is in the town of "Ugh" but unfortunately he lives in "Um".

He walks into the local Bank and talks to an employee w...

I told the bartender he could borrow my blowup doll any time he wanted. "Eugh! That's disgusting!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah..." I said. "But you were pretty quick to jump on my ex-girlfriend weren't you?"

I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos

Now they won't post m'loan.

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The daughter walks up to her dad and asks to borrow his car. (NSFW)

Girl: “Hey dad. Can I borrow your car?”
Dad: “You can borrow it if you dropped to your knees and suck my dick.”
Girl: “Ew! You’re my father, I’m not gonna suck your dick!”

Few minutes go by and she considers her dad’s request as she really needs to borrow the car.

Girl: “Fine da...

A blonde walks to a bank.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business trip for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan. So the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. ...

A drunk man borrows and loses his partner's prosthetic leg in a game of roulette in Las Vegas while she's asleep in their room. When she wakes up in the morning she is furious and sends him down to the tables to win it back...

..the man, now sober, is absolutely determined to make up for his sordid late night misdeed, and immediately challenges the casino to win back the prosthetic leg.

For the whole next day he is at the table, losing pile after pile of chips, thousands and thousands of dollars at a time.

...

Farm Boy

When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.


A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.


"No, they went to town."


"How about your brother, Howa...

An anesthesiologist asks his colleague, "Man I borrow some chloroform?"

"Knock yourself out."

Why is it difficult to borrow money from a leprechaun?

Because he’s always a little short.

You know who would never let you borrow their topiary?

a hedgehog.

Gimli was going on a date last night, so I let him borrow my hair gel and my shaving foam.

And my Axe.

If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.

I'd hate to toot my own horn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow

his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:"no", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: "Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple, recently married fall on hard times...

and are about to be evicted. After much debate, they agree the wife will prostitute to earn the cash they need. That evening, they set up shop on the street below their apartment. The husband wishes her luck and says he'll be across the street in the car watching for her safety. After a short while,...

I let my blonde friend borrow my car for a week

I called her up and said, "I'll be home at 2pm, come over, have some lunch, and drop my car off."

"Sure!" She said. "See you then."

2pm passes... 4pm passes... 8pm passes.

I call her up and say, "Where the hell are you?!"

"I drove by twice and didn't see your car in the ...

I asked my wife for a newspaper. She said not to be daft and to borrow her iPad.

That spider didn't know what hit it.

A German goes into a library and asks if he can borrow a book on war.

The librarian says, 'No, you've already lost it twice, you'll only lose it again!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to borrow a copy of Oedipus Rex, but the library told me the city had banned it.

"Banned it?" I asked.

The librarian nodded. "Yes, for inappropriate content."

I blurted out "Motherfucker!".

She calmly replied "That's exactly why.".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Two doctors pass each other in a hallway and one asks to borrow the other's pen

So the other says, "Sure, here you go."

The first doctor looks at what he was just handed and says, "This isn't a pen. It's a rectal thermometer."

The other says, "Sorry, some asshole has my pen."

Wife: Did you know the library has a telescope that you can borrow?

Me: Huh, we should look into that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Neighbor

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the cou...

Sure, you can borrow my black and white fabric

Just don’t make a habit out of it

When I was married to my first wife, sometimes she would borrow my car.

She would nag about every little thing, all the time.


So, one day, she found a cigarette in my car.


She knew that I had given up smoking and immediately assumed that it MUST belong to “my girlfriend.”


Here she comes, waving it in my face as if she just caught me red ...

You can borrow five cents and no one will ask you to return them.

Apparently, people don't like a nickel back.

"Do you want to borrow my book of recycled jokes?"

No thanks, I've already Reddit.

A Jewish kid asks his father if he can borrow $50.

His father replies

“40 dollars?”
“What do you want 30 dollars for?

A month ago my friend came to me and asked if he could borrow $2000

He told me he wanted to start a chicken farm, and needed the cash to buy some chickens to get it started. He said he would pay me back in no time, so I agreed and gave him the money.
2 weeks later he showed up again, asking for another $2000. He told me the first batch of chickens had all myste...

A Jewish kid goes to his dad and says, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty bucks".

The dad says, "Forty bucks? I don't have thirty bucks, what do you need twenty bucks for?"

Borrow a million dollars, and the bank owns you.

Borrow a 100 billion dollars and you own the bank.

Borrow $69 trillion dollars and you are the United States of America.

- Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds?

- 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?

I was visiting my daughter last night and asked if I could borrow the newspaper...

"This is the 21st Century". She said

"We don't waste money on newspapers, here use this iPad."

All I can tell you is this.

That fly never knew what hit him.

Why couldn't the adopted child borrow his brother's trousers?

Because they didn't share jeans.

Why did the bodybuilder borrow a dictionary?

Because he wanted to know how to define muscle.

An old friend called asking to borrow $350 that way she could pay her rent before Christmas.

I told her I’d have to check and see how much I had in the bank and I’d call her back.

A few moments later her cousin called and asked if I’d heard from barb.

I explained she had called asking for money to pay for her rent.

Her cousin said that she was lying that the money sh...

A frog goes into a bank...

... and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and tha...

They say that good artists borrow and great artists steal

This sub must have some pretty great artists...

In my early 20s, I was a scumbag - no car, no house, no job. I lived at with my girlfriend's apartment, and sometimes I'd even borrow her car when I went out to cheat on her.

I say "borrow", but I didn't exactly ask her for permission. She worked as a bank teller, so I'd simply wait till she fell asleep -- Then I'd sneak into the night.

When I returned, I'd adjust the seat, radio, and mirrors back how they were before. The less questions, I figured, the better, ...

Two friends are having a chat in a bar.

Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?

Kristen: sure.

Christen: Thank you.

Kris: Anytime.

Teenager asks his father to borrow the car...

A teenager went to his Father and asked if he could borrow the car for a date. The Father sizes him up and says: "Tell you what: you get a proper haircut and I'll let you use my car."

The teenager had long hair and was quite proud of it, so he thought about the offer. The teenager then gets ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl really wants to borrow her step-dad's Porsche

So she goes and asks him if it'd be okay to use it for the night.

The step-dad, being the pig that he is, says "I'll let you borrow it if you suck my dick."

At first she is repulsed by this but then starts thinking of how cool she would look in a Porsche for the night with her friends....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man approaches his best friend's wife one day

when her husband is at the office.

"Will you have sex with me?" he asks.

"No. My husband wouldn't approve."

"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"

"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."

So the man shows up next day a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man wants to borrow his dad's car

A young man who had just turned 16 wanted to take his dad's coveted Camaro for his first drive as a licensed adult. He goes to his dad and asks "Dad can I take the Camaro for my first drive?" the Dad says, "Well son, I just have one question: Can you touch your butthole with your dick?" The son, sho...

What do you call it when you borrow money from a pig?

A pork tender-loan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman and man share a bunk bed on a train.

There’s a train that goes every night from New York to Chicago. It’s an overnight train,where you get your own room to sleep in.It leaves New York at 1 in the morning and gets to Chicago at 10 in the morning. A man checks into his room, and suddenly the door opens and a woman checks in. Normally, th...

I let a pasta chef borrow my car

He returned it all denty.

My roommate asked to borrow my earbuds...

Roommate: can I borrow your earbuds?
Me: sorry, I don't share.
Roommate: why not?
Me: ear diseases...
Roommate: what are talking about?!
Me: haven't you ever heard of hearing AIDS?!

Note: I apologize for nothing! Dad jokes for life!

A farmer sends his young son to his new neighbor's farm to borrow some oil.

The farmboy sees the new neighbor has a daughter his age. Their eyes meet, and he is immediately in love. He goes up and asks her to borrow a can of oil, and she says, "Sure - follow me," and she walks toward the barn, swaying her hips more than normal.

When they turn the corner, they see a...

A frog goes into a bank

He hops up on the desk of the loan officer.
''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?'

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form....

It costs an arm and a leg.

Adam was in the Garden of Eden and was very very lonely. So God decides to build him a friend and lover. He decides to call it a "Woman". So he sets out to work but realizes he'll need to borrow a few parts from Adam, so he goes to Adam and explains the situation. God says "I'll build the perfect co...

John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull.

John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill , who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girl Walks Into the Living-room and Asks Here Dad If She Can Borrow The Car.

The dad looks at her, points to his wiener and says, "you know the routine."

So, she gets on her knees and begins reluctantly.

After just a few seconds she stops in disgust,
"Jesus Christ dad your dick taste like shit."

Dad looks at his daughter in realization,
"Dammit, I...

How did OJ respond when his son asked to borrow the car?

>Only if you go aks your mother.

So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive

It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.