My gf borrowed $100 from me. After 3 years, when we seperated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

I asked my friend if I can borrow his nunchucks.

He said “Sure knock yourself out”

That’s the last thing I remember.

Borrow a dollar

An army officer asks to borrow a dollar from a soldier. "Sure, buddy," says the soldier. "That's no way to address a superior!" screams the officer.

"Now let's try that again. May I borrow a dollar, private?" "Sir, no, sir."

Does anybody have a scale I could borrow?

I just bought a bag of red hot chili peppers and I need to give it a weigh! Give it a weigh! Give it a weigh nowww!

I need to beat some eggs. Will need to borrow one of my wife's kitchen utensils (she hates that)

A whisk I'm willing to take

I asked Mowgli if I could borrow some money

He said: shere khan

Rick Astley will let you borrow almost any movie from his Pixar collection.

But he's never gonna give you Up

A buddy of mine asked me to borrow my DVD box set of one of HBO's best shows...

...he came over and The Wire transfer was successful.

I tried borrowing the book 1984 but it was out of stock

Literally 1984

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A girl comes up to her stepdad and asks to borrow his car.

The stepdad denies her so she begs and begs and begs until finally the stepdad says, “fine, I’ll let you borrow the car if you drop on your knees and suck my dick.”

Disgusted, she turns around and goes back to her room.

30 mins later, she comes back to ask again because she really nee...

If anyone has no family and will be alone on thanksgiving please let me know

I really need to borrow some chairs from you.

Did you know you can borrow cheese from the bank in Utah?

Yeah, it's called a Provo-loan

A New York accountant asks to borrow his friends car...

He says, "I promise it'll be worth you're while, I'd-appreciate it"

My homeboy Nick L. keeps borrowing money from my other homie Deion but I can't keep watching it happen...

I'm too old to watch Nick L. owe Deion.

Always borrow money from a pessimist.

He doesn't expect to be paid back.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

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(Long) (Borrowed from Ron Swanson) McGregor walks into a bar...

McGregor walks into a bar and tells a man at the bar "I built this bar with my own hands. I cut the wood, laminated the planks, planed it down, and finished it. Do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No. Come outside with me." McGregor takes the man outside. He points to a stone wall and says, "I...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son ...

The Smart Blonde

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, park...

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A teen girl asks her step dad to borrow the car...

He says no, she begs, he keeps saying no, then he finally says he'll let her use the car if she gives him a blowjob. She declines and goes up to her room, but later decides she'll go ahead and do that if it means she can use the car.

So she goes back to step dad and starts the dirty deed... A...

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.

Who did Owen Wilson borrow money from?

Wilson, you know, because he was owen Wilson.

You have $500 dollars. Your friend wants to borrow $200 and your girlfriend wants $100.

What do you have left?

$500 and two left on read messages.

My friend wanted to borrow my fennec

No fox given

Son: Hey dad, can I borrow ten dollars in Bitcoin?

Dad: Twenty dollars and thirteen cents? Why in God's name do you need to borrow nine dollars and sixty-seven cents?

Hey, that hat you borrowed from me- do you know where it is?

Not off the top of my head.

Kermit Jagger needs a loan

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authori...

What did Ken say when Ryu asked if he could borrow his car?

"SURE YOU CAN!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

I dont even know what borrowing language is...

But I'll take your word for it.

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Bill and Steve are a gray couple on an airplane.

Bill turns to Steve, "you know what would be wild? We should have sex on the plane, like right here in our seats."

Steve surprised "whoah man, there are people everywhere, they would watch, it'd be weird."

"Nobody pays attention on a plane." Says Bill. With that he gets up and shoots t...

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My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

My roommate borrowed my mayo and never gave it back.

What the Hellmann?

An abbot takes over a monastery, and just as he’s settling in, one of the monks comes to his door and says “Father, I am going into town – could I borrow twenty dollars for a legover?”.

Being something of an innocent, the abbot hands over twenty dollars with a faintly puzzled expression, but doesn’t ask.

Next morning another monk comes to the abbot’s door and again says “Father, I am going into town – could I borrow twenty dollars for a legover?”.

Still the abbot asks...

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

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A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow

his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:"no", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: "Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. S...

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery.

Except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.



Which, incidentally, is also why most Afghanistan jokes are falling flat.

But also because everyone knows the Dems are pro-choice, they didn't have to abort a whole country just to prove it.



I think I'm startin...

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The little red man joke.

The little white woman was busy baking a cake. Only as she reached around in her little white cupboards she realised she had no sugar for her little white cake. Not to be disheartened she decided to wander next door to her neighbour, the little green man, to see if he would be kind enough to lend he...

I had to borrow a truck from my good friend Ben Thunder.

I have Ben Thunder's truck.

If you need to borrow a quarter at school who do you ask?

The exchange students.

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An odd funeral...

A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual funeral procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is...

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

My parents always told me to put borrowed things back to its place.

So whenever I eat at a restaurant, I always put my used toothpick to where I got it.

A wife borrows her husbands car, loses control and wraps it around a pole

She calls him up to explain the situation and ends the call with "Should be fine though".



Livid, the husband demands to know what the hell she means by that.



Wife: "Well it's a Mercedez"

Husband: "Damn it woman, what has that got to do with anything?"

Wife...

A prisoner in North Korea goes to the prison library to borrow a book of an author activist

The librarian says, "We don't have his book, but we have him."

If someone can borrow me some extra chromo somes,

I'm down.

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Miss. Piggy needs to go to the supermarket and so she borrows her boyfriend's car...

She gets to the supermarket but it's a Saturday, so it's quite busy. Having trouble finding a spot, she opts to park in the *Family/Disabled Parking* bays close to the store.

She only needs a few things, so she thinks that she will be quick enough that no-one will notice.

When she ret...

"May I borrow your foot pump?"

"Why? Have you got flat feet?"

“Mr. Sean Connery, Sir, could I perhaps look at your tool selection and borrow what I need to fix my broken, wall-mounted ledge?”

“By all means, help your shelf.”

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Borrowed the Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been retur...

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I just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library.

Some tosser has taken the appendix out.

Hey Ryu, can I borrow $20?

Shoryuken!

Vowels, who borrowed 50 bucks from preposition 5 months ago goes back to return it.

But because of some reason preposition couldn't remember anything about it and asks what this is about. Vowels exclaimed- "Ae! I owe you!"

Did you hear about the musician who borrowed money from a loan shark?

He's in a whole lot of treble.

"Do you want to borrow my book of recycled jokes?"

No thanks, I've already Reddit.

What do you call it when someone borrows money to buy cheese?

A Provo-loan

I tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbor

... but he said he had naan.

You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool.

Will you choose the former or the latter?

How do you borrow a book in Prague?

You Czech it out

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Now we know where little Johnny got it from

When little Johnny was 8 years old, he asked his father if he could have a bb gun. His father looked him in the eyes, and asked him; "I don't know son, does your dick reach your asshole?"
Little Johnny ran to the bathroom to check, only to come back disappointed.

"No sir"

"Well, th...

I let a blind man borrow ten bucks.

He told me he’d pay me back the next time he sees me.

I asked my wife for a newspaper. She said not to be daft and to borrow her iPad.

That spider didn't know what hit it.

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A man went into a library and asked to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: 'Oh fuck off, I know you won't bring it back.'

Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Jimmy: Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don't know, can you?

Jimmy: What? Last time I asked, you told me to use "May I". So unfair!

Teacher: Quit clowning around, Jimmy, you know you can't borrow a pencil over Zoom.

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Redneck daughter says "Daddy, can I borrow the truck?" (NSFW)

Her dad replies, "sure thing baby, but first, you gotta come I've here and suck my dick." So she goes down on him, but pulls away and yells, "damn Daddy, your dick tastes like shit!" Her dad says, "oh yeah, that's right, your brother borrowed the truck bout an hour ago, sorry."

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Dad there’s water in the carburetor (long)

A father let’s his son borrow the car. Hours later his son returns and says, “Dad I’m sorry there’s water in the carburetor.”
His dad responds, “water? In the carburetor? Yeah fucking right that doesn’t happen.”
The son is quiet for a moment, then says: “Dad I assure you there’s water in the c...

What kind of fish lets you borrow money?

A loan shark

An anesthesiologist asks his colleague, "Man I borrow some chloroform?"

"Knock yourself out."

I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos

Now they won't post m'loan.

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork.

The poor man dyed a loan.

- Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds?

- 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?

A German goes into a library and asks if he can borrow a book on war.

The librarian says, 'No, you've already lost it twice, you'll only lose it again!'

I was phoned by Rick Astley, who asked me to borrow some Pixar DVD's...

I said "Fair enough You can have 'Toy Story', 'A Bug's Life' and 'Finding Nemo' but I'm never gonna give you 'Up'".

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My neighbor put a ribbon of poop in front of his door and started rambling about the importance of scaring salespeople away when I asked to borrow some milk.

So I told him to cut the crap and let me in.

"Hey, I borrowed your car yesterday and I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"The air bags worked perfectly"

A Jewish kid asks his father if he can borrow $50.

His father replies

“40 dollars?”
“What do you want 30 dollars for?

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A guy walks into a bar

He has his dog with him. It's an ugly little yellow dog. He sits down at the bar next to a Marine.

The Marine has his dog with him. It's a German Shepherd, and it bristles at the ugly little yellow dog.

The Marine says "Son, you need to get your ugly little yellow dog out of here, or m...

A Jewish kid goes to his dad and says, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty bucks".

The dad says, "Forty bucks? I don't have thirty bucks, what do you need twenty bucks for?"

My wife wanted to watch a movie, I suggested Die Hard, which I borrowed from our 70 y.o neighbor Mr. Murry Habitt back in xmas. I said :

Old Habitt's Die Hard

I was visiting my daughter last night and asked if I could borrow the newspaper...

"This is the 21st Century". She said

"We don't waste money on newspapers, here use this iPad."

All I can tell you is this.

That fly never knew what hit him.

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor told me I am very very sick

He won't borrow porn from me again

What did Yoda say after borrowing E I E from old Macdonald?

E I E, I owe

Two friends are having a chat in a bar.

Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?

Kristen: sure.

Christen: Thank you.

Kris: Anytime.

I borrowed my umbrella to a girl

That makes the number of girls I got wet this year equal to -1.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Two doctors pass each other in a hallway and one asks to borrow the other's pen

So the other says, "Sure, here you go."

The first doctor looks at what he was just handed and says, "This isn't a pen. It's a rectal thermometer."

The other says, "Sorry, some asshole has my pen."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was woken late last night about 3am

By my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs and high heel boots, and asking to borrow a cup of sugar.

I said, ‘fuck off dave, I’ve got work in the morning’.

Marriage is like borrowing money

12 months with no interest

I told the bartender he could borrow my blowup doll any time he wanted. "Eugh! That's disgusting!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah..." I said. "But you were pretty quick to jump on my ex-girlfriend weren't you?"

He wants to scare his parents.

**Johnny’s father:** Let me see your report card.
**Johnny:** I don’t have it.
**Johnny’s father:** Why not?
**Johnny:** My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

I let my blonde friend borrow my car for a week

I called her up and said, "I'll be home at 2pm, come over, have some lunch, and drop my car off."

"Sure!" She said. "See you then."

2pm passes... 4pm passes... 8pm passes.

I call her up and say, "Where the hell are you?!"

"I drove by twice and didn't see your car in the ...

As my Grandad used to always say "Never a lender or borrower be"

Lovely man, terrible librarian.

Does anyone have a hammer I can borrow?

If not, a 3 day old Jimmy John's sandwich will work too.

I borrowed my drug dealer's shoes recently

I dont know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to borrow a copy of Oedipus Rex, but the library told me the city had banned it.

"Banned it?" I asked.

The librarian nodded. "Yes, for inappropriate content."

I blurted out "Motherfucker!".

She calmly replied "That's exactly why.".

A month ago my friend came to me and asked if he could borrow $2000

He told me he wanted to start a chicken farm, and needed the cash to buy some chickens to get it started. He said he would pay me back in no time, so I agreed and gave him the money.
2 weeks later he showed up again, asking for another $2000. He told me the first batch of chickens had all myste...

When my wife came home from work, I said, "Sit down, I've got some bad news. The cat's torn your budgie to pieces."

She replied with tears in her eyes, "We don't have a cat." I said, "I know, I had to borrow one."

Gimli was going on a date last night, so I let him borrow my hair gel and my shaving foam.

And my Axe.

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