Whoever took my herbs last night:

​

You’re living on borrowed thyme

I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos

Now they won't post m'loan.

Gimli was going on a date last night, so I let him borrow my hair gel and my shaving foam.

And my Axe.

I let a blind man borrow ten bucks.

He told me he’d pay me back the next time he sees me.

A Foreigner wants to borrow land

\[Long\]

A Foreign man named "Paste" is looking to invest in a plot of land but is short 1/2 of the total cost.


The land he wants and feels is right for him is in the town of "Ugh" but unfortunately he lives in "Um".

He walks into the local Bank and talks to an employee w...

An anesthesiologist asks his colleague, "Man I borrow some chloroform?"

"Knock yourself out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The daughter walks up to her dad and asks to borrow his car. (NSFW)

Girl: “Hey dad. Can I borrow your car?”
Dad: “You can borrow it if you dropped to your knees and suck my dick.”
Girl: “Ew! You’re my father, I’m not gonna suck your dick!”

Few minutes go by and she considers her dad’s request as she really needs to borrow the car.

Girl: “Fine da...

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An Italian funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man wal...

Why should you never ask Rick Astley if you can borrow his complete collection of Pixar movies?

Because he’s never gonna give you ‘Up.’

I was phoned by Rick Astley, who asked me to borrow some Pixar DVD's...

I said "Fair enough You can have 'Toy Story', 'A Bug's Life' and 'Finding Nemo' but I'm never gonna give you 'Up'".

Why is it difficult to borrow money from a leprechaun?

Because he’s always a little short.

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

A blonde walks to a bank.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business trip for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan. So the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. ...

Farm Boy

When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.


A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.


"No, they went to town."


"How about your brother, Howa...

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A married couple, recently married fall on hard times...

and are about to be evicted. After much debate, they agree the wife will prostitute to earn the cash they need. That evening, they set up shop on the street below their apartment. The husband wishes her luck and says he'll be across the street in the car watching for her safety. After a short while,...

A drunk man borrows and loses his partner's prosthetic leg in a game of roulette in Las Vegas while she's asleep in their room. When she wakes up in the morning she is furious and sends him down to the tables to win it back...

..the man, now sober, is absolutely determined to make up for his sordid late night misdeed, and immediately challenges the casino to win back the prosthetic leg.

For the whole next day he is at the table, losing pile after pile of chips, thousands and thousands of dollars at a time.

...

If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.

I'd hate to toot my own horn.

Ken: Hey, can I borrow 100$?

Ryu: Shoryuken.

I let my blonde friend borrow my car for a week

I called her up and said, "I'll be home at 2pm, come over, have some lunch, and drop my car off."

"Sure!" She said. "See you then."

2pm passes... 4pm passes... 8pm passes.

I call her up and say, "Where the hell are you?!"

"I drove by twice and didn't see your car in the ...

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I wanted to borrow a copy of Oedipus Rex, but the library told me the city had banned it.

"Banned it?" I asked.

The librarian nodded. "Yes, for inappropriate content."

I blurted out "Motherfucker!".

She calmly replied "That's exactly why.".

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A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow

his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:"no", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: "Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. S...

Wife: Did you know the library has a telescope that you can borrow?

Me: Huh, we should look into that.

When I was married to my first wife, sometimes she would borrow my car.

She would nag about every little thing, all the time.


So, one day, she found a cigarette in my car.


She knew that I had given up smoking and immediately assumed that it MUST belong to “my girlfriend.”


Here she comes, waving it in my face as if she just caught me red ...

A German goes into a library and asks if he can borrow a book on war.

The librarian says, 'No, you've already lost it twice, you'll only lose it again!'

I asked my wife for a newspaper. She said not to be daft and to borrow her iPad.

That spider didn't know what hit it.

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[NSFW] Two doctors pass each other in a hallway and one asks to borrow the other's pen

So the other says, "Sure, here you go."

The first doctor looks at what he was just handed and says, "This isn't a pen. It's a rectal thermometer."

The other says, "Sorry, some asshole has my pen."

You can borrow five cents and no one will ask you to return them.

Apparently, people don't like a nickel back.

Sure, you can borrow my black and white fabric

Just don’t make a habit out of it

Jewish kid: Hey dad can I borrow $50?

Dad: What $40, what would you possibly need $30 for?

They say that good artists borrow but great artists steal

Anyways, that's how I got banned from the Louvre.

"Do you want to borrow my book of recycled jokes?"

No thanks, I've already Reddit.

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Neighbor

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the cou...

Borrow money from pessimists

They don't expect it back.

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?

The prawnbroker.

A month ago my friend came to me and asked if he could borrow $2000

He told me he wanted to start a chicken farm, and needed the cash to buy some chickens to get it started. He said he would pay me back in no time, so I agreed and gave him the money.
2 weeks later he showed up again, asking for another $2000. He told me the first batch of chickens had all myste...

Why couldn't the adopted child borrow his brother's trousers?

Because they didn't share jeans.

A Jewish kid goes to his dad and says, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty bucks".

The dad says, "Forty bucks? I don't have thirty bucks, what do you need twenty bucks for?"

Why did the bodybuilder borrow a dictionary?

Because he wanted to know how to define muscle.

I asked my dad to borrow a newspaper. "We don't waste paper in the 21st century, here use my iPad" he said

I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him...

Borrow a million dollars, and the bank owns you.

Borrow a 100 billion dollars and you own the bank.

Borrow $69 trillion dollars and you are the United States of America.

- Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds?

- 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?

I went to the library. I said,"Can I borrow a book about suicide?"

The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."

In my early 20s, I was a scumbag - no car, no house, no job. I lived at with my girlfriend's apartment, and sometimes I'd even borrow her car when I went out to cheat on her.

I say "borrow", but I didn't exactly ask her for permission. She worked as a bank teller, so I'd simply wait till she fell asleep -- Then I'd sneak into the night.

When I returned, I'd adjust the seat, radio, and mirrors back how they were before. The less questions, I figured, the better, ...

Teenager asks his father to borrow the car...

A teenager went to his Father and asked if he could borrow the car for a date. The Father sizes him up and says: "Tell you what: you get a proper haircut and I'll let you use my car."

The teenager had long hair and was quite proud of it, so he thought about the offer. The teenager then gets ...

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A girl really wants to borrow her step-dad's Porsche

So she goes and asks him if it'd be okay to use it for the night.

The step-dad, being the pig that he is, says "I'll let you borrow it if you suck my dick."

At first she is repulsed by this but then starts thinking of how cool she would look in a Porsche for the night with her friends....

An old friend called asking to borrow $350 that way she could pay her rent before Christmas.

I told her I’d have to check and see how much I had in the bank and I’d call her back.

A few moments later her cousin called and asked if I’d heard from barb.

I explained she had called asking for money to pay for her rent.

Her cousin said that she was lying that the money sh...

I let a pasta chef borrow my car

He returned it all denty.

What do you call it when you borrow money from a pig?

A pork tender-loan

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A young man wants to borrow his dad's car

A young man who had just turned 16 wanted to take his dad's coveted Camaro for his first drive as a licensed adult. He goes to his dad and asks "Dad can I take the Camaro for my first drive?" the Dad says, "Well son, I just have one question: Can you touch your butthole with your dick?" The son, sho...

The Religious Horse

David wants to borrow a horse from his neighbor, Jack.

​

"Sure you can borrow my horse," replies Jack. "But one thing you have to know about this horse. He is trained to start when you say 'Thank God', and he stops when you say 'Help me God.'"

​

So D...

A farmer sends his young son to his new neighbor's farm to borrow some oil.

The farmboy sees the new neighbor has a daughter his age. Their eyes meet, and he is immediately in love. He goes up and asks her to borrow a can of oil, and she says, "Sure - follow me," and she walks toward the barn, swaying her hips more than normal.

When they turn the corner, they see a...

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Girl Walks Into the Living-room and Asks Here Dad If She Can Borrow The Car.

The dad looks at her, points to his wiener and says, "you know the routine."

So, she gets on her knees and begins reluctantly.

After just a few seconds she stops in disgust,
"Jesus Christ dad your dick taste like shit."

Dad looks at his daughter in realization,
"Dammit, I...

John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull.

John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill , who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for a $5K loan

The loan officer requested collateral, and the man gave him the keys of the Rolls-Royce. The car was driven into the bank's underground parking and the man was given the $5K.

​

Two weeks later the man goes to the bank and asks to settle up his loan. The officer tells him "I...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

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A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum...

Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks. Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began. After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said,...

How did OJ respond when his son asked to borrow the car?

>Only if you go aks your mother.

So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive

It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)

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Can I borrow the car?

There's a family in Alabama that consists of a dad and his son and daughter. One day the daughter goes downstairs to her dad and asks, "daddy, can I borrow the car tonight to go to my friends party?"

The dad replies with "you know what you've gotta do if you want to borrow the car" and winke...

Kermit's $30,000 loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit J...

Can I borrow ten dollars?

Can I borrow ten dollars, but can you only give me five dollars now?

Why do I only want five dollars, you ask? Well, then you'd owe me five dollars, and I'd owe you five dollars, and then we'd both be even.

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