My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

Always borrow money from a pessimist.

He doesn't expect to be paid back.

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

What did Ken say when Ryu asked if he could borrow his car?

"SURE YOU CAN!"

Rick Astley will let you borrow any Pixar movie he owns.

But he will never give you Up.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

I dont even know what borrowing language is...

But I'll take your word for it.

My roommate borrowed my mayo and never gave it back.

What the Hellmann?

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My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

My mother-in-law asked to borrow $10,000

She can’t pay it back and now she won’t speak to me.


Best ten grand I ever spent.

My parents always told me to put borrowed things back to its place.

So whenever I eat at a restaurant, I always put my used toothpick to where I got it.

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I was woken late last night about 3am

By my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs and high heel boots, and asking to borrow a cup of sugar.

I said, ‘fuck off dave, I’ve got work in the morning’.

You have $500 dollars. Your friend wants to borrow $200 and your girlfriend wants $100.

What do you have left?

$500 and two left on read messages.

An abbot takes over a monastery, and just as he’s settling in, one of the monks comes to his door and says “Father, I am going into town – could I borrow twenty dollars for a legover?”.

Being something of an innocent, the abbot hands over twenty dollars with a faintly puzzled expression, but doesn’t ask.

Next morning another monk comes to the abbot’s door and again says “Father, I am going into town – could I borrow twenty dollars for a legover?”.

Still the abbot asks...

Son: Hey dad, can I borrow ten dollars in Bitcoin?

Dad: Twenty dollars and thirteen cents? Why in God's name do you need to borrow nine dollars and sixty-seven cents?

When my wife came home from work, I said, "Sit down, I've got some bad news. The cat's torn your budgie to pieces."

She replied with tears in her eyes, "We don't have a cat." I said, "I know, I had to borrow one."

A prisoner in North Korea goes to the prison library to borrow a book of an author activist

The librarian says, "We don't have his book, but we have him."

If someone can borrow me some extra chromo somes,

I'm down.

If you need to borrow a quarter at school who do you ask?

The exchange students.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit needed a ladder to get on the roof of its house. He knew the bear had a ladder, so

he decided to go borrow a ladder. The trouble was, the bear wasn't always the nicest animal in the forest. *"Doesn't matter,"* the rabbit said to himself, *"I'll head on over and if it doesn't work out, at least I tried!"* With that, he started walking to the bear's house, which was quite a bit away...

"May I borrow your foot pump?"

"Why? Have you got flat feet?"

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Vowels, who borrowed 50 bucks from preposition 5 months ago goes back to return it.

But because of some reason preposition couldn't remember anything about it and asks what this is about. Vowels exclaimed- "Ae! I owe you!"

A wife borrows her husbands car, loses control and wraps it around a pole

She calls him up to explain the situation and ends the call with "Should be fine though".



Livid, the husband demands to know what the hell she means by that.



Wife: "Well it's a Mercedez"

Husband: "Damn it woman, what has that got to do with anything?"

Wife...

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs

I had to borrow a truck from my good friend Ben Thunder.

I have Ben Thunder's truck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library.

Some tosser has taken the appendix out.

Did you hear about the musician who borrowed money from a loan shark?

He's in a whole lot of treble.

Sir Galahad lost his horse during a battle. He trudged towards a farmhouse and banged on the door. When farmer John answered, Galahad asked: "Do you have a horse I could borrow?" John shook his head. "But tell you what, I have a massive Saint Bernard." Reluctantly, Galahad mounted the mutt.

Seeing his predicament, John's wife Mary exclaimed: "You can't let a Knight out on a dog like this!"

A man is sitting at home...

It's almost 22:00 and he's watching TV just about to go to bed. As he is heading upstairs, he hears a knock at the door and goes ahead to answer it.

It's a homeless man and the homeless man asks: "Can I please borrow a fork?" The man thinks nothing of it and gets the fork and hands it to the ...

“Mr. Sean Connery, Sir, could I perhaps look at your tool selection and borrow what I need to fix my broken, wall-mounted ledge?”

“By all means, help your shelf.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nice dog...

A man was walking down the street when he observed a funeral passing by. The strange procession consisted of two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog. Behind him were about 20 men of all descriptions, marching along in step. The guy watching all of this was so puzzled by the odd parade that h...

You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool.

Will you choose the former or the latter?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother-in-law and I were fishing

Not having any luck when he told me to row faster. I rowed and rowed when all of a sudden both oars snapped right in half.

Stranded my brother-in-law said, "What now dipshit?"

"Don't worry. Somebody is going to come by." I answered.

Just then around a corner came an Englishman ...

Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Jimmy: Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don't know, can you?

Jimmy: What? Last time I asked, you told me to use "May I". So unfair!

Teacher: Quit clowning around, Jimmy, you know you can't borrow a pencil over Zoom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wake for my mother-in-law

Two rural gentlemen were chatting. One says, "Say, I noticed a lot of cars at your house on Saturday night. Were you having a party or something?"

"No," responds the second man. "Tragically last week one of my mules kicked my mother in law in the head, and she died suddenly"

"Oh, No!" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know who Lana is...

But I borrowed her thermometer and it tastes like shit.

Two friends are talking...

"I want to buy a tank!" "Buy it then." "But I don't have the money!" "Borrow it then." "But I don't have the money to pay it back!" "You'll have a tank by then."

How do you borrow a book in Prague?

You Czech it out

I tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbor

... but he said he had naan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow

his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:"no", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: "Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. S...

What do you call it when someone borrows money to buy cheese?

A Provo-loan

Hey Ryu, can I borrow $20?

Shoryuken!

When your donkey isn't to be counted on

One day Juha's friend came to his house and asked to
borrow Juha's donkey. Juha said, “My donkey isn't here.”
At that moment the donkey began braying loudly. Juha's
friend heard it and said, “I thought you said the donkey
isn't here.” Juha replied, “Who are you going to believe,
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave loses his Licence

There was this guy David, just turned eighteen, the last three months all he's been talking about is his birthday, about tonight, all his mates are coming along to the local, his mum's coming, his dad, his sisters and brothers, guys from school, guys from work, his girlfriend, her mum, her dad, it's...

What kind of fish lets you borrow money?

A loan shark

Drinking and driving.

Drinking and Driving



I would like to share a personal experience with my

friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and

embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.

As you know, people have been known to have

unexp...

A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" 

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum...

Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.

Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs.

Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began. 

After several months, the guy approac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck daughter says "Daddy, can I borrow the truck?" (NSFW)

Her dad replies, "sure thing baby, but first, you gotta come I've here and suck my dick." So she goes down on him, but pulls away and yells, "damn Daddy, your dick tastes like shit!" Her dad says, "oh yeah, that's right, your brother borrowed the truck bout an hour ago, sorry."

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork.

The poor man dyed a loan.

If you’re alone at Christmas, just send me a message. :)

I have so many people coming over I’d like to borrow your chairs if you don’t need them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went into a library and asked to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: 'Oh fuck off, I know you won't bring it back.'

I let a blind man borrow ten bucks.

He told me he’d pay me back the next time he sees me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what did the librarian say after the suicidal kid tried to borrow a book on how to commit suicide

"Fuck no I know you're not going to return it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

A man walks into an Irish bar...

A man walks into an Irish bar and orders a tall glass of Guinness. The leprechaun next to him turns and says, “Can I borrow a dollar?? I’m a little short.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Jamaicans go to a dress up party

The theme is 'emotions' with a strict entry policy. No costume, no entry.

The first guy knocks on the door dressed as a giant pear. The host says "this is an emotions party, what are you supposed to be?"

He replies "I'm in dis pear" and walks in.

The 2nd guy doesnt have a costu...

I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos

Now they won't post m'loan.

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts borrowing your wife's clothes...

A French friend of mine drowned while swimming in a borrowed bathing costume in Mexico during a public holiday...

...she didn't realize it was the *sinky de maillot*.

An anesthesiologist asks his colleague, "Man I borrow some chloroform?"

"Knock yourself out."

"Hey, I borrowed your car yesterday and I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"The air bags worked perfectly"

"Do you want to borrow my book of recycled jokes?"

No thanks, I've already Reddit.

The pot that gave birth

Edit: this joke is from the famous turkish humorous character Nasreddin Hoca. Hope you like.

One day Nasreddin borrows a cooking pot from his neighbor and while returning he puts a smaller pot inside it.

When the neighbor asks what that means, he replies “The pot gave birth and deliver...

What did Yoda say after borrowing E I E from old Macdonald?

E I E, I owe

A man and a Dog, and the extremely unusual funeral...

A man and his wife are walking down the town main street. They are arguing, as they always do, about the efficiency of wearing masks during the pandemic.

However, they have to stop because of a funeral procession that is actively going on. The procession was extremely unusual... Everyone is w...

Joke Johnny Carson slipped by the censors

I'm not sure if this was an original Carson joke or one he could have borrowed:

One night Johnny got to talking about his Nebraska roots and he told this alleged true story during a sketch scene. Johnny mentioned that the most fearsome Indian tribe were not the Sioux, nor the Apache or even ...

I was phoned by Rick Astley, who asked me to borrow some Pixar DVD's...

I said "Fair enough You can have 'Toy Story', 'A Bug's Life' and 'Finding Nemo' but I'm never gonna give you 'Up'".

I asked my wife for a newspaper. She said not to be daft and to borrow her iPad.

That spider didn't know what hit it.

Marriage is like borrowing money

12 months with no interest

Can I borrow your dog ?

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.
A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached t...

Johnny Joke

“Tell me, Johnny” said his teacher, “if your father borrowed $100 and promises to pay $10 a week, how much will he owe in 7 weeks?”

“One hundred dollars,” said Johnny.

“I’m afraid you don’t know your math very well,” said the teacher.

“I may not know my math,” said Johnny, “but ...

Two friends are having a chat in a bar.

Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?

Kristen: sure.

Christen: Thank you.

Kris: Anytime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Card Game

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The daughter walks up to her dad and asks to borrow his car. (NSFW)

Girl: “Hey dad. Can I borrow your car?”
Dad: “You can borrow it if you dropped to your knees and suck my dick.”
Girl: “Ew! You’re my father, I’m not gonna suck your dick!”

Few minutes go by and she considers her dad’s request as she really needs to borrow the car.

Girl: “Fine da...

Careful who you loan em to...

I never let anyone borrow my car, my lawnmower, or my wife... cause someone’s liable to slip a rod in all three of them

A frog walks into a bank to get a loan.

He approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your m...

A German goes into a library and asks if he can borrow a book on war.

The librarian says, 'No, you've already lost it twice, you'll only lose it again!'

I told the bartender he could borrow my blowup doll any time he wanted. "Eugh! That's disgusting!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah..." I said. "But you were pretty quick to jump on my ex-girlfriend weren't you?"

As my Grandad used to always say "Never a lender or borrower be"

Lovely man, terrible librarian.

A Jewish kid asks his father if he can borrow $50.

His father replies

“40 dollars?”
“What do you want 30 dollars for?

- Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds?

- 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?

You can borrow five cents and no one will ask you to return them.

Apparently, people don't like a nickel back.

Does anyone have a hammer I can borrow?

If not, a 3 day old Jimmy John's sandwich will work too.

I borrowed my drug dealer's shoes recently

I dont know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

A Jewish kid goes to his dad and says, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty bucks".

The dad says, "Forty bucks? I don't have thirty bucks, what do you need twenty bucks for?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Logic

Bob and bill are at a bar drinking and talking.

Bob: I have been taking this new class at the local university lately. The class is called logic.

Bill: tell me more

Bob: ok let me give you an example. Do you have a lawnmower?

Bill: yes

Bob: so that means you ha...

I borrowed my umbrella to a girl

That makes the number of girls I got wet this year equal to -1.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Two doctors pass each other in a hallway and one asks to borrow the other's pen

So the other says, "Sure, here you go."

The first doctor looks at what he was just handed and says, "This isn't a pen. It's a rectal thermometer."

The other says, "Sorry, some asshole has my pen."

I was visiting my daughter last night and asked if I could borrow the newspaper...

"This is the 21st Century". She said

"We don't waste money on newspapers, here use this iPad."

All I can tell you is this.

That fly never knew what hit him.

How to borrow two rulers.

So I went over to my favorite teacher class and ask-
Me: "Mr Long can I get two rulers?"
Him: " Sure no problem" ( grabs rulers out of desk)
Me: "Thanks needed for a test"
Him: (thinking he is funny he says) "Hey don't mind the mark at 10 inches"
Me: "No problem! Why do you think ...

A £10 loan & a deaf Scotsman...

Angus is a bit short of money so he rings his friend Dougal to ask if he can borrow £ 10.

He reverse the phone call & Dougal accepts the charge.


Angus says: 'Can you lend me £ 10? & I'll pay you back'

Dougal says: 'I cant hear, You'll have to speak up'

<...

I let my blonde friend borrow my car for a week

I called her up and said, "I'll be home at 2pm, come over, have some lunch, and drop my car off."

"Sure!" She said. "See you then."

2pm passes... 4pm passes... 8pm passes.

I call her up and say, "Where the hell are you?!"

"I drove by twice and didn't see your car in the ...

Adam and Brandon are neighbors

Adam and Brandon are neighbors.

One day they were talking and Adam noticed that Brandon has a huge collection of books. Adam asked Brandon if he may borrow a few books.

Brandon replied, "I don't lend books. If you want to read books, you may come to my house and read it here."

<...

Gimli was going on a date last night, so I let him borrow my hair gel and my shaving foam.

And my Axe.

Why is it difficult to borrow money from a leprechaun?

Because he’s always a little short.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

A judge asks a defendant to stand...

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to borrow a copy of Oedipus Rex, but the library told me the city had banned it.

"Banned it?" I asked.

The librarian nodded. "Yes, for inappropriate content."

I blurted out "Motherfucker!".

She calmly replied "That's exactly why.".

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