How do ghosts obtain money?

Via a polterheist. Ouch, the downvotes!

"Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water

(hopefully this translates well)

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?

Because only Siths deal in Absolut.

A Lesson in History

The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the...

Anyone know what "obtaining information through deception" means?

I'm asking for a friend.

Good old #162, the Frog Joke

Patricia Whack, a bank teller, was having an unusual day: a frog had appeared in front of her teller and asked in perfectly elocuted English, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to obtain some credits from your establishment, on consideration of this blue marble elephant as collateral."

Ms. Whack knew immed...

What is the one spiritual condition that can never be obtained by blind people?

Enlightenment

Subscribe (Verb) - to obtain or have a subscription to a publication, concert series, service, etc.

Subscribe (Noun) - a very obedient writer

Bear & Human encounters

If bears and humans live in close proximity, they can be prepared ahead of time for such encounters. Obtain airhorns and pepper spray.

If the first couple of blasts of an airhorn doesn't scare them off, then run at them with an airhorn blasting. If you get close enough, use the pepper spray...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

A methodology of obtaining information or input by enlisting the services of a large number of people of Germanic background:

Krautsourcing

A Polish man moves to Korea and tries to find work

He looks for work everywhere but can’t find any, until after thorough searching he lands an interview at a car dealership. The man is interviewed by the boss, who not only has a poor grasp on English, but he also seems to have a very hard time getting his name right. The man tries to explain his nam...

A museum curator obtains a valuable painting called "The Joke"

The painting is put on exhibit, and to celebrate its arrival the museum throws a large party. Everyone there has an amazing time, and leaves very happy. The curator in all his excitement forgets to lock the museum. When he arrives at work the next day, he finds a terrifying sight. The painting is go...

Sen. Franklin R. Lee of Idaho was instrumental in obtaining a 100-megawatt hydroelectric plant...

.. on the Givva River for the benefit of his hometown, Medea. When the plant was finished, the dedication plaque read:

> Frank Lee, Medea, Idaho, Givva Dam

A C-130 was being deployed from Peterson AFB, Colorado

An hour into the flight, the plane began losing altitude. Acting quickly, the pilot decided it was necessary to airdrop items to be tracked down later in order to reach the nearest airport.

First to go was the Base Commander's new Humvee. Next was a large crate of MREs. Finally, a crate of t...

A little old man goes to the bank to take a house loan

The person behind the desk begins to shuffle around the papers and looks the old man in the eye and asks:

Banker: Aren't you a little bit too old to get a house loan?

Man: I know I'm 65 but I do have some funds saved as well. It's mostly my father who suggested I get a place of my own...

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Concerned about the rising drug problems on Earth

Jesus decides to send some of his disciples back to Earth to obtain some drugs so that they would better understand how to help mankind.

After 3 days they begin to return.

There is a soft knock on the side door at Jesus' pad. "Open up, man, it's Matthew."
The door opens just a cra...

The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic co...

Two priests at a hotel

The priests walked to the public showers. Once they were at the showers they realized that they had forgotten their soaps. So one of the priests decided to walk naked back to their room which was rather close.

Once he had obtained the two soaps he saw 3 nuns coming around the corner in the c...

The Frog Who Wanted A Loan

“A frog came into a bank to obtain a loan. He spoke to the loan officer Mr. Paddywack. When Mr. Paddywack asked the frog what he had for loan collateral, the frog held out his hand. "What's that?" asked Mr. Paddywack, but the frog could not talk. So, Mr. Paddywack took the frog in to see the manager...

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."

The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a v...

The Bee Joke

Once, there was a bee who lived in a very complex bee hive. All the bees residing in this hive lived very happily with their own tasks and aspirations. However, this particular bee, named Bart, was quite special. He was an incredibly intelligent bee who matured and learned far faster than his bee pe...

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

In court, a woman asks for custody of her daughter.

Woman claims that she gone through pain by giving birth to her daughter to bring her to this world therefore she should obtain the custody.

Then the judge asks the man for an argument why he should obtain the custody of his daughter.

The man said: "Judge, if you insert a coin into a ve...

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A failing zoo was desperate to drive attendance.

After much discussion, they finally purchased a gnu from Africa.

In anticipation of its arrival, the zoo built a new exhibit for the hard-to-obtain animal. It was a beautiful indoor/outdoor enclosure and contractors worked diligently to meet the deadline of the animal’s arrival.

Unfort...

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A bar is testing out an innovative new exchange system.

The bar owner has noticed a relatively major problem in her area-
people come in to drink, and when they are ready to head out, they feel obligated to finish the drink they paid for. This little bit is enough to push many patrons past their limit and the bar owner wants to do something to encour...

[Long] Three men who speak different languages overheard some bits of English, so they said what they knew to try and learn the language.

"Us three!" Said the first man.

"Half a dollar!" The second one said.

"Sooner the better!" Cried the third.

Proud of their newfound skills of obtaining language, the three repeated these lines as often as they could.

"Us three!"
"Half a dollar!"
"Sooner the be...

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A day in the ER

Sean Bean's wife brings her husband into the Emergency department with a broken nose and a bruised shoulder. During triage the nurse asks how the Sean sustained the injuries. After a nudge from his wife, he sullenly replies "I was looking over my shoulder and walked into a door." The nurse wonders h...

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Is there a God?

Scientists have created an AI, and asked it, "Is there a God?"

The AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."

The scientists connected the AI to a powerful supercomputer and gave it access to Wikipedia, and asked it again, "Is there a God?"

Again, the AI ...

What's the difference between a child and a nerve agent?

One is legal to eat, but illegal to obtain. The other is illegal to eat, but legal to obtain.

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A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer...

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He the...

Three nuns go to Heaven...

And when they are at the gates, Saint Peter says:

"I know you have sinned, I see it in your eyes. Before you walk through these gates you must atone for your sins. Sister Isabella, your eyes once coveted the flesh of a man. You must wash your eyes with Holy Water and you'll be free of sin an...

Four freshman partied too hard during a music festival and unable to make it back for their final exam the next day

As they drove back to the college, they tried to think of a good excuse. Finally, they agreed to the same story: a tire was blown in the middle of nowhere at mid night so they were stuck. They each sent the professor an email asking to retake the exam and gave the excuse. The understanding professor...

To much precaution...

Two security guards obtained me at the airport after they opened my luggage and found some IcyHot patches, they said: I was packing heat.

An entomologist..

Recently, a world renowned entomologist was invited by the Queen of England to a gala in honor of the top minds in science. As this was an extremely formal event, the dress code was (obviously) "white tie." The entomologist was flattered beyond belief, and, in attempt to look his absolute best, he w...

A competition was held to determine the country with the best police force in the world

The finalists were U.S., China and Russia, and each were represented by a five-man team.

On the day of the competition, the three teams gathered outside Tongass National Forest in Alaska, alongside a few thousand cheering fans. U.N. Secretary General António Guterres opened the envelope conta...

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West Virginia Zoo just got a new gorilla!

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. ...

An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.

He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.

He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed.

When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.

I bought a new desk from IKEA....

And I noticed that a piece was missing. It was a connecting rod that should have been marked "A."

I called IKEA and told them about my issue. They said there must have been a shortage, but this was a limited-run item. I asked them what I should do. At that time, they informed me that I wa...

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THE RULES OF THE ANCIENT AND HONORABLE GAME OF INDOOR GOLF

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club and two balls.

Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

For most effective play, the...

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A zoo gets a new gorilla...

and it was a female. At first, the gorilla was the hit of the zoo, bringing in crowd after crowd; however, after a few weeks, it began to become increasingly aggressive and violent. The managers of the zoo frantically searched for the cause of the aggression and eventually discovered that the female...

In the year 2030,

In the year 2030, space travel was expanding more than ever, and life science was seeing new revolutions every few weeks. Inventions in robotics and engineering were being created almost daily. But this new world came with a downside, the amount of harsh chemicals in the air were causing cancer to d...

A guy with one arm is sick of life.....

A guy with one arm is sick of life, he tries to get a job but no one hires him. He can't get himself a girl friend. Everyone he knows picks on him and laughs at him. He feels really down. Eventually he decides enough is enough and decides to take his own life.

He goes to the roof of the tall...

The agent of a beautiful actress discovered that the actress had been selling her body for $100 a night.

The agent, who had fantasised about her for long, had never dreamt that she was so easily obtainable. He approached her and told her how much she turned him on and how he wanted to do her.

She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay the same $100 other customers...

The Spice Mafia

It is a little known fact that some people want spices that they cannot obtain legally. Be it decades-old oregano, salt from the Last Supper, or the flesh of Sean Spicer, some people love strange and unusual spices. However, in order to obtain these spices, they only have one place to turn: the Spic...

Measuring vs Questionaries

Me: To get the mass of each Can of chicken I used a digital scale


Teacher: Why did you use that method to obtain your data as
opposed to the other methods?


Me: Because the cans refused to answer the questionnaires honestly

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Two men are in a bar....

Both men are married, and both have anniversaries coming up. They begin discussing the gifts they obtained for their spouses.

The first gentleman says, "I got her a tennis bracelet, a spa membership, and a week long cruise. What about you?"

"Oh. Um, I got mine a pair of slippers and a...

You'll never guess this simple and surefire way to become a millionaire!

Obtain 1,000,000 dollars

The three blonde detective trainees

A police officer was tasked to train three blonde women to become detectives.

He showed them a picture of a man for five seconds before asking the first blonde how she would recognize him in the streets. "Oh, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The police officer exclaimed: "Are you stu...

Farm Animal Band

So there is a farmer who owns many livestock, and also a singing horse. Little does he know, there are more musical talents on his farm. One day, the horse walks past one of the cows, singing, and the cow interrupts him and says; "hey horse, you know I can play the drums!" The horse looks at him que...

Kurg Industries' Story

Kurg Industries was a famed company well-known for producing the highest-quality containers, be it lunchboxes, cardboard packaging or shipping crates.

One Christmas season, they decided to create a new, exclusive and especially high-quality crate to sell off at an auction. Many came to see an...

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Canoe

Three explorers - a preacher, a poet and a banjo player - are lost in the jungle and captured by a tribe of cannibals.

The cannibals tell the three they will be sacrificed to provide skins for the tribal canoes - and because this is such an important and sacred ritual, each of them can make...

People say that being able to count is important in order to get somewhere in life. I disagree.

The 3 most important things to obtaining success are
Discipline,
Integrity,
Respect
and Wisdom.

A young man wanted to know the secret of life. So he asked a pair of wise, immortal, dolphin-like creatures. The dolphins told him they'd share their wisdom, but only if the young man completed their quest.

"First," said the male dolphin, "you must venture out into the forest and locate the Golden Mina Bird. Place it in this magical bag" -- and the dolphins handed him a golden, silk bag made of the finest materials -- "and make your way to the edge of the forest."

"There, you will come to the De...

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A little rabbit is happily running through the forest....

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, ‘Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you’re doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!’ The giraffe looks...

Job Application Humor

========================================================================

Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest
convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

That's what we're afraid of ...

===============================================...

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Three explorers are in Egypt (long)

and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: "Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death." He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end...

Are Computers Male or Female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this...

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A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over...

A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approaches the car, the drunk man jumps out of the door and tries to make a run for it. The cop, furious, catches up to the drunk man and brings him back to his car.

The officer proceeds to reach into...

I'm on a new diet where I can only eat and drink things where I know what the ingredients mean.

I can now tell you every ingredients use in Cheetos, how it's obtained, and the molecular structure.

Financial planning

Roy was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the mo...

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The Bull Fights

A Man won an all paid trip to Spain, luckily for this man there is nothing more that he has ever wanted than to see the bull fights! Upon landing in Spain the man quickly obtained transportation to get to the nearest bull fighting stadium, he arrived just in time! As he took his seat he could not be...

A comely redhead was thrilled.....

......... to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the tr...

It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid ...

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