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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

A dwarf walks into a store to pay for an item.

He hands the cashier 4 dollars. The cashier says "Sir, the item costs 5 dollars." The dwarf replies "Sorry, I'm a little short."

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Pay your bills

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick (an employee in the palace) obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. 
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, ...

How do meth addicts pay for their habit?

The tooth fairy.

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

How much to pirates pay for corn?

A buccaneer

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I remember the time my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill

But instead I bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained what I did to my dad and he beat the crap out of me.

The next morning when my dad woke up and opened the door, there was a brand new car outside. We all cried, mainly me. Because the car was from the electr...

A duck goes into the shop to buy some lipstick. “How do you want to pay?” asks the shop assistant..

...”just put it on my bill” replies the duck.

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

Doctor gave me six months to live, but i couldn't pay the bills

gave me another six months

When you don’t know if you can pay your medical bills

You have health Unsurance.

How does a duck pay for lipstick

She puts it on her bill

A billionaire is leaving his doctor's office when he gets stopped and reminded to pay

"Doctor," he says, I've decided not to pay you for your services. Instead, I'm writing you into my will. Will that suffice?"

"Of course," replies the doctor. "But can you please give me back that prescription? I need to make a small change."

I remember how embarrassed I was when I couldn't pay my electric bill

It was the darkest day of my life

I remember in middle school there was a kid who tried to pay me to be his friend..

.. and I felt really bad for him because he just didn’t have enough money

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So this lady arrives at the supermaket to pay. She has one egg, one banana, one yogurth, etc..

The cashiers tells her :

\- I bet you are single

\- Oh, how did you guess?

\- Well, you are fucking ugly

What kind of bread can pay for itself?

A Bank Roll

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

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Landlord tells blonde she has to suck his dick to pay rent

She blows him, swallows, and says, "Now can I pay rent?"

My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill...

So I sent him a "Get well soon" card!

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

How to pay for your mistakes?

Buy eraser

How much would Greenland pay to buy America?

Nothing. It's a free country.

My teachers told me I should pay attention and check my grammar.

Like what the heck nana has been dead for years now

I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore

these are some dark times.

My friend was mad that I had to ask him for a quarter for the hundredth time to pay the parking meter. He asked why I never have any on me.

I told him I’ve never carried any coins before and I don’t ever plan to start. I don’t like change.

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

Apparently the BBC can pay me less than minimum wage

But they said the camera adds ten pounds

What happens when you can't afford to pay an exorcist?

They repossess your house.

I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism.

If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed.

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On their wedding night, a young bride asked her new husband to pay her $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she w...

What happens when a Communist doesn’t pay their rent?

They get Bolshevik-ted.

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier said...

the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."


Making a mental note to complain to my local MP about this running amok,over-enthusiastic security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed....
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referrin...

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

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Every day, thousands of people come into this country and begin draining our resources. They don’t pay taxes, have no skills, and not even a basic grasp of our language.

Babies are fucking useless

My wife said I don’t pay enough attention to her.

At least, I think that’s what she said.

Every day a man goes into a coffee shop. Everyday he orders the same drink from the same barista and pays exactly 5 dollars . He always sits in the same seat, finishes the drink and leaves.

One day he orders the same drink from the same barista and extends the 5 dollar bill. The barista informs the man, “sir, I’m sorry but we’ve raised the price to $5.25.” The man hesitantly takes out another dollar and hands it to the lady. She tries to hand him back the extra .75 cents but he refuses...

The Elder Gods don't pay for cable TV, HBO, or FiOS...

They have Cth-Hulu

A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because s...

I preform circumcisions at the local synagogue.

The pay isnt that great, but I get to keep the tips.

My mom recently had to have an amputation done. The doctors said I could watch, but would have to pay an outrageous fee!

Really, it would've costed an arm and a leg!

What do you get when you pay $0.55 to see a 50 Cent concert?

A nickel back.

What happens when you use a pay toilet in France?

Euro-pee'n

So I was told I’d only get a pay rise if my annual review went well...

... boy I went home and gave my bottom the best cleaning it had had for ages.

What did the leper say to the hooker when he couldn't pay.

"Sorry, but you can keep the tip."

What would you call Steve Harris if he worked for an electrical company without pay?

A Powerslave

She said "You pay more attention to that damned computer than you do to me!"

I said, "Well, the computer goes down on me now and then".

A poor man is wrongly accused of murder. He doesn't have the money to pay for an attorney, but he does have a friend who just recently received his lawyer's license.

The lawyer gave him a free trial.

Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they're gonna pay!

You have my Word.

A naked lady walks into a bar

A fully naked lady walks into a bar and sits down.

She calls up the bartender and asks for a whisky. The bartender looks at her, but does nothing. She asks again but gets the same response.

She asks him "whats the matter? you never seen a naked lady before?"

and the bartender r...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

God to Eve: You are going to bloody pay this!

Eve to God: Can I pay it on an installment plan?

My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

I asked my Republican friend if he though Amazon should pay taxes

He said "Of course, they're not a church"

Why did EA cross the road

Pay 50$ to find out.

Why did I have to pay extra money for a bag of water at the supermarket?

It was an ex-ice tax.

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"


The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.


This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an ...

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How much do Cockneys pay for shampoo?

Pantene

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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

Jesus didn’t pay for our sins with cash or credit

He used praypal

How much did the pirate pay for his earrings?

About a buck an ear

Woman could not afford to pay her exorcism bills.

Her soul got repossessed...

Passing through his son’s college town late one night, a father decides to drop in and pay his kid a visit.

The father knocks on the fraternity house door. No one answers. He knocks louder, but still no answer. He begins to bang angrily on the door. Finally, a head pops out of a window on the second floor. “You need something, pal?” a frat brother asks from the window.



“Yes, does Billy Powe...

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
...

Imagine a world where ducks reign supreme, one of the jobs is that some of the ducks have to pay water to the towns. What is the job called?

An aquaduck(t).

How do vampires pay for things?

Crypt-currency.

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: ok (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole.

Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
Next Day:
(Same boy) I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!
Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy today ...

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How do you pay a British prostitute?

In pounds.

Breaking News: Government shutdown ends as Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition that he gets to install windows.

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A lawyer was walking down the street...

When he spotted a woman with spectacular breasts. He immediately offered her $100 if she would let him bite them.
“No way!” She exclaimed
“What about for $1000?” He persisted
“No certainly not what kind of woman do you think I am?”
“You wouldn’t even do it for $10,000,” he asked.
The...

Pay me $10 and I'll play accordion for you

Pay me $100 and I won't play it.

Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...

But that's not my wife's name.

In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” I asked.

“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts."

Pay it Forward:

I was at Walmart and this lady was sobbing because she lost all of her tax money out of her purse. She couldn’t pay for her groceries. I don’t know why but I decided to give her $200. I had just found $3,000 in the parking lot and since I was blessed I was bred to help her too.

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How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

How much does a baker on the Oregon Trail pay for piercings?

A pie an ear.

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Trump is doing everything in his power to make Mexico pay for the wall

By acting so batshit crazy they want to build the wall themselves for protection

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

This little old lady is quite the entrepreneur.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that...

Never say "Bloody Mary" three times at midnight, or you will have to pay a high price.

Really, I will never go to that overpriced bar again!

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A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

So my best friend tells me he wants to become a woman, but he doesn't want to pay for surgery

He asked for my help in pulling it off.

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