My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.

So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’ve got this new hobby. I pay for the services of multiple prostitutes, but I do NOT have sex with them. I just place them together and “fold” them into interesting shapes like cranes and flowers.

It’s called Whore-a-gami.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

Passing through his son’s college town late one night, a father decides to drop in and pay his kid a visit.

The father knocks on the fraternity house door. No one answers. He knocks louder, but still no answer. He begins to bang angrily on the door. Finally, a head pops out of a window on the second floor. “You need something, pal?” a frat brother asks from the window.

​

“Yes, doe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you pay a British prostitute?

In pounds.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lawyer was walking down the street...

When he spotted a woman with spectacular breasts. He immediately offered her $100 if she would let him bite them.
“No way!” She exclaimed
“What about for $1000?” He persisted
“No certainly not what kind of woman do you think I am?”
“You wouldn’t even do it for $10,000,” he asked.
The...

How do vampires pay for things?

Crypt-currency.

My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.

She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so s...

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay

You have my word.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, ...

What happens when you can’t pay your exorcist?

Repossession.

I didn't have enough money to pay the priest for the exorcism

So he repossessed me

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: Ok! (climbs the flagpole)

-Later that day-

Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole.

Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!

-Next Day-

(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!

Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flag...

Earlier today, while I was leaving the supermarket, a guy came in crying and in a mess. He told me he lost his rent money in the supermarket and has no way to pay the rent now.

I felt so bad for him, so I gave him $100 from the $1500 I found

A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Pay me $10 and I'll play accordion for you

Pay me $100 and I won't play it.

Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...

But that's not my wife's name.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

​

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

​

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, ...

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
...

I recently booked a vacation to the South of France on credit but I need to win the lottery to pay it back

I can't afford Tolouse

So my best friend tells me he wants to become a woman, but he doesn't want to pay for surgery

He asked for my help in pulling it off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My pay as you go phone

My friend was always taking the piss out of me when I got my pay as you go phone

“You’ve got a pay as you go phone, you’ve got a pay as you go phone”

I got really sick after a week of this, so I decided to take out a contract


Two days later the hitman got back to me to tell ...

Breaking News: Government shutdown ends as Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition that he gets to install windows.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I am creating a video game about a bear and bird that hire a prostitute and then don't pay her.

I'm calling it "Banjo-Kazooie Nuts and Bolts"

Pay it Forward:

I was at Walmart and this lady was sobbing because she lost all of her tax money out of her purse. She couldn’t pay for her groceries. I don’t know why but I decided to give her $200. I had just found $3,000 in the parking lot and since I was blessed I was bred to help her too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

Never say "Bloody Mary" three times at midnight, or you will have to pay a high price.

Really, I will never go to that overpriced bar again!

What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay $300 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A Buck An Ear

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.

Now I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way...

I once tried to pay for my food at Hooters with an energy drink...

Apparently Red Bull doesn’t give you wings.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump is doing everything in his power to make Mexico pay for the wall

By acting so batshit crazy they want to build the wall themselves for protection

My Dr. told me that I have one month to live. I said, "But Dr., I can’t pay my bill."

So he gave me another month.

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

I asked my dying father if he could pay for his expensive gravestone in advance before he died.

He replied, "Over my dead body."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does Robert Kraft only pay prostitutes $499.75 even though they charge $500?

He refuses to play without a quarter back

Since Mexico won’t pay for the wall

Americans will have to Putin their own money

Trump legalizes marijuana to pay for the wall with the tax revenues.

This really stirred the pot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We’ve never really given an actual nickname to the people out there who pay prostitutes for sex.

I think we should start calling them buysexuals.

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

People don't even pay attention

I bet you $13456324567 dollars you didn't read that number. You just skipped right over it. You didn't even realize I put a letter in it. No I didn't but you went back and looked.

Have a good day!!

How do you pay for coffee in space?

With star bucks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a black man working without pay, against his wishes, because a white man said so?

A TSA agent, you fucking racist.

I never understood why people pay an arm and a leg for anything

If anything, I would pay with just a leg. Because that has ma knee.

What do you call a Sith Lord who doesn’t pay taxes?

A tax e-vader.

When a china man haves to pay what him name is ?

Ka Ching

My friend asked me if I were an "arr" pirate or a "yo ho ho" one

I told him I'm an "I'm not paying 600$ for Photoshop" type of pirate

If people pay to go see a comedian...

Aren't all their jokes at the audience's expense?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss asked me what I would do for a pay rise, so I hesitated and said "...nothing sexual".

I wasn't really made to be a porn star.

What do you call a haunted house, whose ghost could not pay the rent?

Repossessed

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese Catholic boy is asking his mom why he has to pay tithing

His mom replies, "Well, the Precepts of the Church maintain that each member has an obligation to support the material needs of the Church. Tithing is a voluntary donation that they rely on to have the materials needed for the Church."


Visibly processing this information, the boy asks, ...

I want to pay respects to the Mars Rover that NASA lost contact with.

It's a missed Opportunity.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook tha...

I couldn't pay the exorcist that I hired.

He came around and re-possessed my house.

The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.

I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.

I got a set of false teeth put in but couldn't pay for them, so now I have to help out at the dentist's office

I guess that makes me an indentured servant

I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism.

​

​

If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. He asks how much he needs to pay. Bartender says you don't have to pay. Neutron asks why not. Bartender says....

For you no charge

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are 2 friends and went to their 3rd mutual friend to pay him a visit at his place. He offered them what they want to drink and all of them start drinking some white wine with some antipasto. After a while the host and his wife realized that the 2 friends drank more than 5 liters of the wine,

and thought if they keep going like that they are going to drink all their wine, so they decided to give them white vinaigrette instead. They gave them a bottle, both friends are trying the 'new wine' and the one says nothing, the other one spit the vinaigrette and says to the other: bro don't you s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a prostitute you pay with pizza?

A Donin-hoe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pornhub premium users are like jesus

They pay for our sins.

I said to the pet shop owner "I want a taller stand for my parrot but I haven't much money. Can I get one and pay it off monthly?"

"We don't do higher perches", he replied.

How does the Head of the Vatican pay for his items online?

By using his Papal account.

The phone company has been calling me everday threatening to to disconnect me if I don't pay my bill.

I'm glad they finally stopped calling.

Allways pay attention when you're working around propellers

If you don't, you'll be mist.

Why couldn't Anakin pay for dinner?

His Master card was denied.

4 year olds first pay check

4-YEAR-OLD'S FIRST PAY CHECK

a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. Love the ending!

Young family moved to a...

“Who’s gonna pay for it?!”

“MEXICO!”
“Who’s gonna pay for it?!”
“MEXIC!”
“Who’s gonna pay for it?!”
“MEXI!”
“Who’s gonna pay for it?!”
“MEX!”
“Who’s gonna pay for it?!”
“ME!!!!”

A teacher at a law school made a bet with a student that the student would pay him money once he wins his first case.

The teacher then immediately sued him for failure to pay.

Prince Harry takes Meghan on a date. Who pays?

The taxpayers.

Why do you pronounce the word ‘tea’ like just ‘t’?

You have to pay for the ‘ea’

How can I pay my compliments to the doctor who circumcised me?

I just feel like leaving a tip wasn't enough.

A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?

Germany.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I didn't make this 4 years ago. This might not be the worst joke. I'm posting again for the ones who read the original by the original poster...this is my version to pay homage

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-known porn star, and the other is a lazy ass. Lazy ass doesn't have a job and just likes to sit around the house. One Sunday, the porn star is angry and thirsty. He decides to make the brother do something useful....

What do you call it when you use an app to pay your landscaper?

Ven-mowing

I dreamed last night I was offered a job in a flying slaughterhouse as a butcher. The weird thing is that it would be in a 747, while in flight, so that deliveries to supermarkets were always as fresh as possible. The pay would be phenomenal, but the work extremely dangerous.

In the end, I turned down the offer.

*I simply felt that the steaks would be too high*

Her dad: You slept with my daughter? You are gonna pay for that!

Me: I definetly won't pay twice...

Tax inspector: You should pay your tax with a smile.

Tax Payer: I have tried several times, but every time they insist on cash.

A moral businessman always pays his tithe

A young man becomes a successful businessman very early on in life. Being a faithful member of the church he always pays his tithe for years and years.

He later falls upon hard times and so he talks to his banker. His banker lets him know that things are worse than the man had realized, he co...

Wolverine, Nightcrawler and Cyclops heard of the birth of Jesus and decided to pay him a visit

They had travelled many miles following a star, until they came to Bethlehem.

Finally, the found the stable wherein the tiny baby lay in a manger, watched over by his mother Mary.

They knelt before the babe and asked of his mother, "May we worship the holy child?"

Sadly she s...

My job circumcising elephants doesn’t pay much.

But the tips are huge.

How did the bag of fertilizer help the vegetable farmer pay his mortgage?

It raised his celery...