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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

What do you call a bug that pays the bills?

A Paying Mantis


*My 10 year old daughter ran down the hallway to tell me this. She said she made it up.

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

What happens when you can't afford to pay an exorcist?

They repossess your house.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

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On their wedding night, a young bride asked her new husband to pay her $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she w...

How much money do pirates pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

So I was told I’d only get a pay rise if my annual review went well...

... boy I went home and gave my bottom the best cleaning it had had for ages.

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.

So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

What did the leper say to the hooker when he couldn't pay.

"Sorry, but you can keep the tip."

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

What happens when you use a pay toilet in France?

Euro-pee'n

What would you call Steve Harris if he worked for an electrical company without pay?

A Powerslave

A poor man is wrongly accused of murder. He doesn't have the money to pay for an attorney, but he does have a friend who just recently received his lawyer's license.

The lawyer gave him a free trial.

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My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, ...

She said "You pay more attention to that damned computer than you do to me!"

I said, "Well, the computer goes down on me now and then".

What do you get when you pay $0.55 to see a 50 Cent concert?

A nickel back.

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If you let me touch your wife's ass and smack it, i will pay you $100,000

Says a guy to his best friend. His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying. Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him deny such offer. She says 'you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna fuck me. I mean $100,000 fo...

Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they're gonna pay!

You have my Word.

I asked my Republican friend if he though Amazon should pay taxes

He said "Of course, they're not a church"

Woman could not afford to pay her exorcism bills.

Her soul got repossessed...

God to Eve: You are going to bloody pay this!

Eve to God: Can I pay it on an installment plan?

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How much do Cockneys pay for shampoo?

Pantene

Why did I have to pay extra money for a bag of water at the supermarket?

It was an ex-ice tax.

A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because s...

My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"


The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.


This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an ...

Jesus didn’t pay for our sins with cash or credit

He used praypal

How much did the pirate pay for his earrings?

About a buck an ear

Imagine a world where ducks reign supreme, one of the jobs is that some of the ducks have to pay water to the towns. What is the job called?

An aquaduck(t).

Passing through his son’s college town late one night, a father decides to drop in and pay his kid a visit.

The father knocks on the fraternity house door. No one answers. He knocks louder, but still no answer. He begins to bang angrily on the door. Finally, a head pops out of a window on the second floor. “You need something, pal?” a frat brother asks from the window.



“Yes, does Billy Powe...

How do vampires pay for things?

Crypt-currency.

How much does a baker on the Oregon Trail pay for piercings?

A pie an ear.

My wife says I never pay attention to her...

... at least I think that's what she said.

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How do you pay a British prostitute?

In pounds.

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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

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A lawyer was walking down the street...

When he spotted a woman with spectacular breasts. He immediately offered her $100 if she would let him bite them.
“No way!” She exclaimed
“What about for $1000?” He persisted
“No certainly not what kind of woman do you think I am?”
“You wouldn’t even do it for $10,000,” he asked.
The...

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” I asked.

“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts."

Why can't you hear jokes about EA?

Because you'll have to pay $4.99 for the punchline.

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
...

Earlier today, while I was leaving the supermarket, a guy came in crying and in a mess. He told me he lost his rent money in the supermarket and has no way to pay the rent now.

I felt so bad for him, so I gave him $100 from the $1500 I found

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: Ok! (climbs the flagpole)

-Later that day-

Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole.

Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!

-Next Day-

(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!

Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flag...

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How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

This little old lady is quite the entrepreneur.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that...

Pay me $10 and I'll play accordion for you

Pay me $100 and I won't play it.

Breaking News: Government shutdown ends as Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition that he gets to install windows.

Bad Dad Panda Joke

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
...

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...

But that's not my wife's name.

Pay it Forward:

I was at Walmart and this lady was sobbing because she lost all of her tax money out of her purse. She couldn’t pay for her groceries. I don’t know why but I decided to give her $200. I had just found $3,000 in the parking lot and since I was blessed I was bred to help her too.

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A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

So my best friend tells me he wants to become a woman, but he doesn't want to pay for surgery

He asked for my help in pulling it off.

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.

Now I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

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Trump is doing everything in his power to make Mexico pay for the wall

By acting so batshit crazy they want to build the wall themselves for protection

Never say "Bloody Mary" three times at midnight, or you will have to pay a high price.

Really, I will never go to that overpriced bar again!

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My pay as you go phone

My friend was always taking the piss out of me when I got my pay as you go phone

“You’ve got a pay as you go phone, you’ve got a pay as you go phone”

I got really sick after a week of this, so I decided to take out a contract


Two days later the hitman got back to me to tell ...

I once tried to pay for my food at Hooters with an energy drink...

Apparently Red Bull doesn’t give you wings.

I recently booked a vacation to the South of France on credit but I need to win the lottery to pay it back

I can't afford Tolouse

Since Mexico won’t pay for the wall

Americans will have to Putin their own money

Trump legalizes marijuana to pay for the wall with the tax revenues.

This really stirred the pot.

How do you pay for coffee in space?

With star bucks.

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We’ve never really given an actual nickname to the people out there who pay prostitutes for sex.

I think we should start calling them buysexuals.

What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay $300 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

When a china man haves to pay what him name is ?

Ka Ching

My Dr. told me that I have one month to live. I said, "But Dr., I can’t pay my bill."

So he gave me another month.

People don't even pay attention

I bet you $13456324567 dollars you didn't read that number. You just skipped right over it. You didn't even realize I put a letter in it. No I didn't but you went back and looked.

Have a good day!!

I never understood why people pay an arm and a leg for anything

If anything, I would pay with just a leg. Because that has ma knee.

I asked my dying father if he could pay for his expensive gravestone in advance before he died.

He replied, "Over my dead body."

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Why does Robert Kraft only pay prostitutes $499.75 even though they charge $500?

He refuses to play without a quarter back

If people pay to go see a comedian...

Aren't all their jokes at the audience's expense?

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What do you call a black man working without pay, against his wishes, because a white man said so?

A TSA agent, you fucking racist.

What do you call a Sith Lord who doesn’t pay taxes?

A tax e-vader.

Oh Gary.

Gary is having a rough day and after talking to his construction friend John, John tells Gary that he will have his construction crew come fix up his house at a major discount. Gary is thankful and accepts the request wanting to have some changes done to his house. John and his men arrive later th...

How does the Pope pay for things online?

Papal

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A Japanese Catholic boy is asking his mom why he has to pay tithing

His mom replies, "Well, the Precepts of the Church maintain that each member has an obligation to support the material needs of the Church. Tithing is a voluntary donation that they rely on to have the materials needed for the Church."


Visibly processing this information, the boy asks, ...

I want to pay respects to the Mars Rover that NASA lost contact with.

It's a missed Opportunity.

Three topologists walk into a bar.

The bartender asks “What’ll it be?” The first orders the group a 3-handled pint. The bartender says, “Certainly! That’ll be $5.” The second pays the bartender with a $10 bill. Then, on their way out, the third says to the bartender, “Thanks for the free pretzel!”

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My boss asked me what I would do for a pay rise, so I hesitated and said "...nothing sexual".

I wasn't really made to be a porn star.

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