A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

There's a new type of Heroin on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"

Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein

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New in the fast-food market: Oedipus Fried Chicken

>!It's motherfucking good!!<

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

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A woman, on a blind date with a stockbroker, asked her companion what his favorite stage of human development is, what she should be doing in the stock market, what his sexual orientation is, and about his preferred way to end a conversation. His answers left her feeling very in sync with him.

"Baby, buy, bi, bye."

The other day, I saw a snowman dad and snowman baby playing with the carrots in the produce section of the market...

When asked, they said they are playing the "got your nose" game!

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A farmer went to the market to buy a rooster to mate with his hens

Another farmer sold him one and warned him how horny the rooster was.

The farmer took the rooster home and as soon as he put it into the pen, it has sex with every chicken. 10 minutes later it then had sex with every chicken again. Out of fear for the health of his chickens, he put it in a se...

An Englishman and a Frenchman are going to the market

On their last stop for food, they decide to purchase some bread from a local baker.

Suddenly, the bread stand falls on the Englishman and injures him severely.

He yells out, intensely, “The pain!!”

Then the Frenchman yells just as loudly “ Le pain!!”

A blind man walks into a fish market.

"Hello ladies!"

A good fishing spot is worth a lot on the market

It's prime reel estate

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A woman walks into the farmer’s market and says,

“I’d like to buy some tomatoes.”

The clerk says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re all out of tomatoes, and won’t have any for a few days.”
So the woman leaves.

A few hours later, the same woman shows up and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes.”

The clerk says, “I apologize miss...

A woman is standing in the check out line at the market, ringing up her groceries...

When a man gets in line behind her with his cart. As she's ringing up her items the man looks at her groceries, then looks at her.

Again, he looks at her groceries, then back to her.

She notices this after a moment as asks "can I help you?"

He replies, "you must be single huh?"...

I went to pike's market to buy some fresh fish.

Me: can I get a plastic bag for the fish please?

Cashier: it's already inside.

A man buys a cow at a market in Minsk

It's a nice, big cow that gives lots of milk. After a while, the man decides that he wants to breed the cow, so he brings the cow to his bull. As soon as the bull tries to mount the cow, the cow steps out of the way! Every time the bull tries, the cow moves just slightly, and the bull fails.

...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

Two melons meet at the market and fall in love. One says to the other, "Let's run away together and get married!" The other replies:

"I cantaloupe, but honeydew I want to!"

Girl in a super market says to a guy, Hi there: Do I know you he says? I think you're the Father of one of my Kids: He said are you the stripper that I made love to on the pool table while all my buddies were watching? She replies.

No I'm your Sons Teacher.

Sherlock and Watson are browsing the market, when they come across a stall selling lemons.

"I wonder," says Watson, picking up a lemon and examining it closely. "Exactly where do these fruits come from?"

"Well," says Sherlock, plucking the lemon out of Watson's hands. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

Why did the man get banned from the farmer's market?

He got caught taking a leek.

A man was found at a farmers market in a small town in yorkshire, kissing a girl that was not his wife

Turns out he was having a Scarborough affair.

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

I work in a meat market

Every day is a sausage party.

A man went to a black market dealer,

He asks the seller,

"Yo I heard you can get me a glock, can I have one?"

The guy says,

"what have people told you about me?"

He replies "you're a small arms dealer"

*pushed the mutilated child arms back into the van*

"kind of yeah"

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

A pastors wife goes to the fish market

She’s looking to make fillets for dinner and asks the guy behind the counter for a suggestion.

“I’d recommend this right here, ma’am. It’s new to the market.”

“What kind of fish is it?” She asks.

“It’s dam fish, ma’am.”

The pastors wife abruptly says. “How dare you use th...

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Interesting Farmers Market

A young man was driving to work when he realized he had forgotten his lunch.

As he drove frustrated with himself he came across a farmers market with and interesting sign,

“apples that taste like pussy”

Better than nothing he said.
As he bit into his first apple he was gre...

Did you hear about the guy who stole all the bananas from the market?

Nevermind, the story wouldn't appeel to you.

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A man is walking through the market one day.

He hears a man yelling, "Get your dam fish here!"
The man is puzzled and asks the man, "Why are you saying such bad things about these fish?" The fish vendor laughs and says, "No no, these are DAM fish--as in they were caught near the dam."
"Oh I see," exclaimed the man, "I'll take some dam f...

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One day while at the farmers market a man came upon a cart with a sign that read “Magic Apples”

He asked the farmer what could possibly be magic about apples. The farmer handed him a fruit and said try it. After taking a bite the man said to the farmer, “It’s a fine apple, but still just an apple.” To which the farmer replied “Turn it over”. The man turned the apple over, took another bite, an...

The New Market on the Corner

A new market opened up in Bill's neighborhood, so he decided to go down and see what they had for sale.

Inside appeared to be different produce stands, but, strangely, all he saw were bakery stuffs on the shelves. One was covered in pies and labeled "Pineapple Pies - $2/lb." Another was cover...

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A priest enters a fish market.

When he asks what the man behind the counter recommends, the man brings out a large fish. "My goodness!" The priest exclaims. "That fish is huge!" "Yeah." The man replies. "It's a big son of a bitch." The priest says "Sir. Please mind your language." Thinking quickly, the man says "Oh. No. The name ...

What do you call it when a bunch of stock markets suddenly show in the same place!

An investation.

(Credit to my 10 year old nephew James)

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A man was stopped at a farmer's market

When he comes across a stand advertising peaches of every flavor, he asks the owner "do you really have peaches in every flavor?" to which he responds "I sure do, what flavor are you looking for?" Doubting the owner the man asks for peanut butter and jelly, the owner selects a peach and hands it ove...

I saw my sister sobbing in her room, worried that her Philosophy degree might be worthless in today’s job market.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

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A farmer goes to the local farmer's market to try and sell his bull. A stranger comes up to him to inquire about the animal.

Stranger: Is your bull good at breeding?

Farmer: Of course he's good. Shit, he's even too good! He tries to mount every single cow, horses, donkeys, sheeps, etc. There's not an animal on that farm he hasn't tried to fuck yet.

Stranger: Then why are you selling him?

Farmer: Becau...

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

A Cowboy is looking in the market for a new horse...

He walks in to town and sees on a churches sign horse for free come inside and ask the pastor.

The Cowboy walks and talkes to the pastor:

Cowboy: So... I hear you have a horse for free?

Pastor: I sure do, but you have to know that this horse is special. It will only move forward...

Why was the DJ kicked out of the farmers market?

For dropping beets!

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Why was the job market in ancient Egypt so shitty?

It was full of pyramid schemes

Facebook recently started a produce market dealing exclusively in peppers.

Yet another way they're jalapeño business.

I order a circumcision from the black market once

It was a rip off

A wife sent a message to her husband..

A wife sent a message to her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Priscilla says hi to you.”

Husband: Who is Priscilla?

Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.

Husband: But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Prisci...

A man is selling bananas at the market

One woman comes up to his stall and says 'I want bananas that are short and thick'. The seller gives her bananas she asks for.

Another woman comes up and says 'I want bananas that are long and slim'. He gives her what she wants.

Then a man comes up to the stall. The vendor asks him 'Wh...

Why Aren't DJs allowed in the Fish Market?

They always drop the bass.

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The old farmer and his dear friend went to the market.

The market was full of various stalls stocked with agricultural goods & wares. Whilst browsing the plentiful market the old farmer couldn’t help but notice a busty blonde lady and he stared at her longingly.

“Corrr!” Whispered the old farmer to his pal. “I’ll pay a pretty penny to get me...

What kind of guns do you find at the flea market/swap meet?

Bar-guns

There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market

Its called mycoxaflopin

A woman encounter a friend she hasn't seen in some years in the produce market.

After some catching up she tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ...

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The stock market is like sex.

You just need to know when to pull out.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

Apparently Steve Irwin had his own line of sunscreen but it was taken off the market when he died.

It wasn’t protecting against harmful rays.

My Indian neighbors just opened a meat market

It’s a new deli

TIL Steve Irwin was trying to market his own sunblock.

The FDA wouldn’t approve it because it didn’t protect you against all rays.

The plant markets have been bull lately...

The stalks have been going up!

Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.

When George Eastman brought the first Kodak camera to market, no one could believe it...

They said "pics or it didn't happen".

A tourist is shopping at a market in Mexico

He goes up to a vendor and struggles to communicate with the shopkeeper, who eventually pulls out an apple.

"Disfrutan mucho los turistas", the vendor says while smiling.

The tourist stops and thinks for a second, and then responds with "No, dis fruit an apple".

A fisherman is selling fishing supplies at a market

An insecure rich man comes up to him and asks, “what’s your net worth?”

What do Aquaman and money market investors have in common?

They prefer liquid environments.

An Italian goes into a noisy fish market

He goes up and down the aisles looking for a particular fish and can't find it.



In frustration, he then goes to counter and shouts over the noise "DOA YOU HAVE A HADDOCK"



"No I took to aspirin and now i feel fine"

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

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A nun goes down to the market...

A nun goes down to the market to buy a fish to prepare for dinner back at the convent. As she approaches the local fisherman's stand, she sees him holding up a massive fish, saying, "I'm selling this big Sunnuvabitch!". The nun, repulsed by such language, chastises the fisherman for saying this. He ...

Skrillex isn't allowed into produce markets.

Why? He keeps dropping beets.

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

There is a new Mexican cheese on the market called potassium sulfur monoxide...

Or just K-SO, for short.

Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market

A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one?

B: You can have both

A: Three

What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?

Start off with a big one.

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So, one fine day, a man is strolling through an open-air market place.

He stops at one of the live animal stalls and buys a chicken thinking that he will take it home, and make a nice chicken stew for dinner. On his way home he passes a theater that is showing a movie that he has been wanting to see and he decides to go in. The woman at the box office sees the chicken ...

Could you imagine a market in the Middle East?

Because that would be bazaar

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A man enters the super-market with his son.

Upon entering he immediately proceeds to buy Lobsters and butter. After carting this up he goes into the vegetable aisle to buy a side for his dinner when his son notices a woman standing alone.
“My dad has crabs!” He shouts at her.
The father turns red with embarrassment and tells his son tha...

I got scammed by a market vendor in Cairo

Egypt me

I saw a sign advertising a plowsharing market the other day.

I don't know if that's a more or less politically correct way of talking about a swinger party...

I asked the seller on the black market how much a kidney costs

He said it would be worth an arm and a leg

Did you hear about the guys who built fake chickens and sold them on the Danish market?

They really made a kylling

Bush, Obama and Trump go to a job interview with God...

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well", says God. "Come sit to my right."

Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and ...

When you market TV shows and movies in other countries, it's not uncommon to change the title in order to appeal to the local population.

For example, the Chinese title for "Black Mirror" is "Really Cool Ideas".

I felt a rush of culture shock wash over me as I walked through a middle eastern market

It was bazaar

Two middle aged women are in Boston's fish market on Friday.

"I come here every Friday to get scrod!"

"I do too, but I didn't know it has a past tense."

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