The stock market crashing last week was worst than a divorce.

Lost half of my money AND the wife is still there.

Ana is no longer allowed to the fruit market.

Banana.

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big McSteak

One buzzword in today’s business world is “Marketing”

Courtesy of a friend via email; this is a quick 'primer' on Marketing....
People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, OK, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing....

What do the stock market and my ex have in common?

Theyre both doing really well and all my friends are in them except me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has to choose from his 3 girlfriends

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spend the money so I could look pretty for you because ...

The marketing guys at Corona don‘t know what to do next

Now that their campaign went viral

Ardy goes to a super market,

He buys his groceries, and goes to the checkout.

Ardy gets all of his items scanned, and pays for the food.

When Ardy gets his change back, he notices that he is one dollar short, and tells the cashier.

The cashier is adamant that he gave Ardy the proper amount of change.
...

I feel sorry for Corona beer's marketing campaign

Nothing can go viral.

Did you hear about Coronas new marketing campaign?

Apparently it's gone viral in China.

A blind man is walking down the street through a fish market.

At one point he stops, takes a big whiff, and says “Good morning ladies!”

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

A restaurant test-marketed its new breakfast sandwiches. They sold lots of Baconsters and Porksters,

but almost nobody ordered the Hamster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marketing: lets create a fun and exciting cereal

**Executive:** okay... go on.

**Marketing:** it’ll have cool colors and fruity flavors...

**Executive:** omg yes

**Marketing:** and rabbits can fuck right off if they think they can have some!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man with his seeing eye dog walks into a flea market.

He picks up the dog and starts swinging the dog on the harness over his head.
A vendor runs over and yells at him to stop and asks what the fuck he thinks he's doing?
Oh don't mind me....I'm just having a look around.

Why is the resale market for weed so great?

It’s all about buy low, sell high ;)

I went to the farmers market to get some herbs and vegetables.

But when my friends invited me over for some pizza, I figured it was a waste of thyme.

Why should you always invest into the bean market?

The stalks can only go up

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

A marketing team had to make a Coca-Cola ad for Arabia

So they sent their best man on the job. When he came back, they saw that the campaign failed miserably and nobody was buying the product. So the team asked him what happened. He explained:

We made a billboard with three images. On the first one, there is a person that is very unhealthy and a...

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money."

The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom.

He stops the first driver and sa...

My sister started sobbing because she’s nervous about entering the job market with a philosophy degree.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him ...

Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis

Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.

He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before set...

Newcastle has partnered with Moscow to corner the napkin market.

They're going to call it, "The Serviette Union"

Just moved next door to a guy who sells stolen goods on the black market.

You know what they say; *Good fences make good neighbors*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

The elevator business is a tough market

It has its ups and downs.

A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages... And if there are any eggs, take 10”

Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?”
“They had eggs.”

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my pass...

I got food poisoning from this years German Market

It was the wurst

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into the farmer’s market and says,

“I’d like to buy some tomatoes.”

The clerk says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re all out of tomatoes, and won’t have any for a few days.”
So the woman leaves.

A few hours later, the same woman shows up and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes.”

The clerk says, “I apologize miss...

Terrorist groups in the Middle East have started surgically implanting improvised explosive devices inside the cattle that they drive through town on the way to market

The UN has described this practice as abominable.

Click for hint: >!(hint - say it out loud)!<

A farmer is selling his cattle at the market

He asks his friend to watch over his stand while he goes to the bathroom. When he gets back, he's alerted that one of his donkeys has died.
The farmer asks, "Are you serious?"
His friend replies, "Dead ass"

Somebody today was explaining to me how the cryptocurrency market was changing, even though I already knew

It was a bit coin descending

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The marketing lesson

This really happened, at least by what I've heard. A guy went to the market and saw a stand selling watermelons with a cardboard reading: "1 melon - 3$, 3 melon - 10$".

He decided to teach the seller a math lesson and bought a melon for 3$. Then he said "you know what, I would like one more" ...

An old king was about to pass away

He called his three sons before his sickbed. He gave each of them some coins and asked them to buy something to fill the room, whoever can fill the room the best will be declared his successor.

The eldest prince went to the market and bought a cart of straws. Despite his best effort, he only ...

There's a new type of Heroin on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"

Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein

The elephantine Russian emperor held an open air market for strange wooden dowels.

It was Tsar Babar's bizarre bar bazaar.

Two nuns go to a farmers market...

They see a sign that says

"Cucumbers 3 for the price of 2"

one nun turns to the other and says

"well, we could always eat one"

I just got banned from the farmer’s market.

They caught me trying to take a leek.

How do you call a wizard that works with political marketing?

Propagandalf.

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the squash farmer say to the produce thief at the farmers market?

You butternut steal my squash!

I signed up for the newsletter at my local ham market.

But all they sent was a bunch of spam.

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Just a typical story repost with a little twist

A proud farmer lying on his deathbed, asked his three sons to find one object that can be used to fill the inside of the barn. The one who can deliver will be chosen as his heir to the farm.

So the oldest son goes to the market to get hay while the middle son go get leaves and the youngest s...

Have you heard about the submarine market?

It's taking a dive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New in the fast-food market: Oedipus Fried Chicken

>!It's motherfucking good!!<

How did Jack's mother find out he didn't sell the cow at the market?

He'd bean stalked.

I went to a local farmers market...

I asked the fruit vender to show me his cherries.

He did

"Thanks," I said, "But that's not what I meant."

A man buys a cow at a market in Minsk

It's a nice, big cow that gives lots of milk. After a while, the man decides that he wants to breed the cow, so he brings the cow to his bull. As soon as the bull tries to mount the cow, the cow steps out of the way! Every time the bull tries, the cow moves just slightly, and the bull fails.

...

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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

I couldn't afford to take the kids to Sea World.

So I took them to the fish market and said, "Shhh, they're all sleeping."

A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.

Don't know if they will be well received...remains to be seen.

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A priest enters a fish market.

When he asks what the man behind the counter recommends, the man brings out a large fish. "My goodness!" The priest exclaims. "That fish is huge!" "Yeah." The man replies. "It's a big son of a bitch." The priest says "Sir. Please mind your language." Thinking quickly, the man says "Oh. No. The name ...

A blind man walks into a fish market.

"Hello ladies!"

Sherlock and Watson are browsing the market, when they come across a stall selling lemons.

"I wonder," says Watson, picking up a lemon and examining it closely. "Exactly where do these fruits come from?"

"Well," says Sherlock, plucking the lemon out of Watson's hands. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

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A woman, on a blind date with a stockbroker, asked her companion what his favorite stage of human development is, what she should be doing in the stock market, what his sexual orientation is, and about his preferred way to end a conversation. His answers left her feeling very in sync with him.

"Baby, buy, bi, bye."

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Viagra

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it’s generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra...

A wife sent a message to her husband..

A wife sent a message to her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Priscilla says hi to you.”

Husband: Who is Priscilla?

Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.

Husband: But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Prisci...

A pastors wife goes to the fish market

She’s looking to make fillets for dinner and asks the guy behind the counter for a suggestion.

“I’d recommend this right here, ma’am. It’s new to the market.”

“What kind of fish is it?” She asks.

“It’s dam fish, ma’am.”

The pastors wife abruptly says. “How dare you use th...

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

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TV ad for Benson's Nails

Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with an ad."

A week goes by and the marketing execut...

Never deposit into a sperm bank.

It’s much better to put it into the sock market.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in the USSR goes shopping

He wants to celebrate with his wife the beginning of the nineties and want to organize a big meal.

He asks the butcher for some beef to which he replies.

"Sorry comrade, we do not have any beef"

The man then decides to go to another butcher down the street but he also tells him ...

A woman is standing in the check out line at the market, ringing up her groceries...

When a man gets in line behind her with his cart. As she's ringing up her items the man looks at her groceries, then looks at her.

Again, he looks at her groceries, then back to her.

She notices this after a moment as asks "can I help you?"

He replies, "you must be single huh?"...

I went to pike's market to buy some fresh fish.

Me: can I get a plastic bag for the fish please?

Cashier: it's already inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer went to the market to buy a rooster to mate with his hens

Another farmer sold him one and warned him how horny the rooster was.

The farmer took the rooster home and as soon as he put it into the pen, it has sex with every chicken. 10 minutes later it then had sex with every chicken again. Out of fear for the health of his chickens, he put it in a se...

A man was found at a farmers market in a small town in yorkshire, kissing a girl that was not his wife

Turns out he was having a Scarborough affair.

A good fishing spot is worth a lot on the market

It's prime reel estate

A man went to a black market dealer,

He asks the seller,

"Yo I heard you can get me a glock, can I have one?"

The guy says,

"what have people told you about me?"

He replies "you're a small arms dealer"

*pushed the mutilated child arms back into the van*

"kind of yeah"

Marketing concepts.

Professor at college explaining marketing concepts to Students:
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. "Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to he...

I work in a meat market

Every day is a sausage party.

The man and the priests horse

Once there was a man who needed a horse. He went to the market and found a horse for sale, which was currently owned by a priest.

He asked if he could buy the horse, and the priest said ‘Sure! One thing though, instead of ‘YeeHaw’, you say ‘praise the lord’ to make the horse go.

Inste...

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

Two melons meet at the market and fall in love. One says to the other, "Let's run away together and get married!" The other replies:

"I cantaloupe, but honeydew I want to!"

Girl in a super market says to a guy, Hi there: Do I know you he says? I think you're the Father of one of my Kids: He said are you the stripper that I made love to on the pool table while all my buddies were watching? She replies.

No I'm your Sons Teacher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day while at the farmers market a man came upon a cart with a sign that read “Magic Apples”

He asked the farmer what could possibly be magic about apples. The farmer handed him a fruit and said try it. After taking a bite the man said to the farmer, “It’s a fine apple, but still just an apple.” To which the farmer replied “Turn it over”. The man turned the apple over, took another bite, an...

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In 1985 Viagra began marketing it's own soda beverage

They called it Mount and Do.

Further more in 1986 the FDA decided it could no longer be called a *soft* drink.
Instead they labeled it a cock tail.

I told him I wanted to walk down the Aisle.

He sent me to the super market to get a case of beer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking through the market one day.

He hears a man yelling, "Get your dam fish here!"
The man is puzzled and asks the man, "Why are you saying such bad things about these fish?" The fish vendor laughs and says, "No no, these are DAM fish--as in they were caught near the dam."
"Oh I see," exclaimed the man, "I'll take some dam f...

Did you hear about the guy who stole all the bananas from the market?

Nevermind, the story wouldn't appeel to you.

What do the head of marketing for Metamucil and the head of Infrastructure at AT&T have in common?

Both are in charge of fiber optics.

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is away from home and has his house robbed...

He returns to find many of his things missing, including his favorite, a sizeable globe. He's sad over this, and does all he can to get it back, hoping the police find the culprit, checking local globe listings on the globe market to see if anyone's posted the pilfered planet. All to no avail. But o...

Where do you get the bubonic plague?

The flea market

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer goes to the local farmer's market to try and sell his bull. A stranger comes up to him to inquire about the animal.

Stranger: Is your bull good at breeding?

Farmer: Of course he's good. Shit, he's even too good! He tries to mount every single cow, horses, donkeys, sheeps, etc. There's not an animal on that farm he hasn't tried to fuck yet.

Stranger: Then why are you selling him?

Farmer: Becau...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interesting Farmers Market

A young man was driving to work when he realized he had forgotten his lunch.

As he drove frustrated with himself he came across a farmers market with and interesting sign,

“apples that taste like pussy”

Better than nothing he said.
As he bit into his first apple he was gre...

A man is stranded in the desert dying of thirst.

As he crawls along he spots something on the horizon. As he gets closer, he sees the objects are market stalls. He goes t the first stall and pleads for water. The stall holder tells him he only sells jelly with broken biscuit in it. He crawls to the next stall and and pleads for water put the stall...

The New Market on the Corner

A new market opened up in Bill's neighborhood, so he decided to go down and see what they had for sale.

Inside appeared to be different produce stands, but, strangely, all he saw were bakery stuffs on the shelves. One was covered in pies and labeled "Pineapple Pies - $2/lb." Another was cover...

Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.

After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and ki...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life Alert and Viagra launch a joint marketing campaign

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get it up!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was stopped at a farmer's market

When he comes across a stand advertising peaches of every flavor, he asks the owner "do you really have peaches in every flavor?" to which he responds "I sure do, what flavor are you looking for?" Doubting the owner the man asks for peanut butter and jelly, the owner selects a peach and hands it ove...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

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