What does the blind man say when walking past the fish market?

“Good evening ladies”

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I bought a used universal remote at a flea market

The volume down button was broken but it only cost a nickel.... I couldn't turn it down.

I'm now doing a report on the erectile dysfunction medicine market.

From what I've gathered, there's stiff competiton.

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

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Two nuns were walking to the market when a man jumped from the bushes and flashed at them and ran away!!!

"What shall we do now ?" Asked the first nun.

"We are sworn to neither lie nor hide the truth" said the second nun " we should report to Mother Superior that we had the misfortune of seeing a man's penis twice".

"Twice?" Exclaimed the first nun" we just saw it once".

"Aren't you...

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The plastic surgery industry seems to neglect the market for middle aged dangling balls

Seems like low hanging fruit.

Chinese man going to work at the stock market..

while dressing up in morning he says
''time for me to go in vest'''

These days, iron and steel are traded on the international commodity market, and if you need some, you just need to contact a trader.

Formerly, if you wanted iron or steel, you would need to go to an ironworks or even a blacksmith's and negotiate directly with the men who made it.

Whoever smelted, dealt it.

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Husband and wife went to market....

Husband saw an action: "24-pack of beer for 20 €!", He quickly grabbed it and dropped it into shopping cart. Wife saw him and asked: "What are you doing?" He replies: "It's damn cheap, 24 beers for 20 €!" Wife rolled with eyes and angry said: "That's to expensive and worthless. Remove that!" Husband...

A man goes to the fruit market to buy oranges.

A man goes to the fruit market to buy oranges. He comes across the orange stand and is surprised to see the lack of customers compared to the other stands. He proceeds to ask the vendor about it. He then answers:

"Well, the sign leading to my shop was stolen and the staff refused to provide m...

My friend told me he got hit hard, lost 40% of his net profit in the market in the last year.

I said "so? I lost 85% of my net worth in the market in 1 day"

He said "what? Was it in a mutual fund?!"

I was like "no....my iPhone was stolen at the grocery store"

I tried to help my friend, but he ended up addicted to marketing.

Guess you could say I gave him some ad-vice.

Marketeer: On a scale from one to ten, how big is the change you would recommend our product to your friends?

RedditUser: zero.

Marketeer: So, I take it, you don't like our product?

RedditUser: No, no, your product is ok.

Marketeer: But then why don't you want to recommend our product to your friends?

RedditUser: I don't have any friends.

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A farmer went to the market to buy a rooster

A farmer went to the market to buy a rooster to mate with his hens. Another farmer sold him one and warned him how horny the rooster was.

The farmer took the rooster home and as soon as he put it into the pen, it has sex with every chicken. 10 minutes later it then had sex with every chicken ...

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A father goes shopping in a market.

At the market he sees a man selling large potatoes for a substantially higher price. He asks the seller, "What are you selling that's so expensive?"

The seller answers, "They're dam potatoes."

"Mind your language!" says the father, very offended.

The seller replies, "No Sir, the...

How to tell if a person is a stock market trader or a cuckolding enthusiast?

Ask them the opposite of 'bull'.

They said a mask would be enough to go to the super market...

They lied.

Everyone else had their clothes on.

A magician goes to a fish market...

The fishmonger says “pick a cod, any cod”

Ana will be barred from the fruit market

Ban Ana

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

There's no need to do market research before opening a new bordello.

If you build it, they will cum.

Mrs Rosy Jones was going to the market in New York where she happened to meet Father Patrick.....

Father: "Hey, you are Rosy right? I got you married in New Jersey, when I was posted there".

"Yes Father" Says Rosy.

"How is your husband and the little ones ?"

"Husband is fine but so far, no children".

Father Patrick: "Don't worry, child. I'm going to Rome next week. ...

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ‟Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.”

‟What?” said the puzzled groom.

‟How can that be if you've been married ten times?”

‟Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry?

Because we live in a mask era.

If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses

Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.


I'll show myself out

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

St Peter was doing market research with the applicants at the Pearly Gates. Three men were awaiting entry.

"Cause of death?" St Peter asked the first.

"I suspected my wife was cheating on me," the first man replied, "so I came home early and burst into my apartment on the twenty-first floor. I ran into the bedroom and my wife was lying naked on the bed. I searched the apartment but found no-one. ...

Three hunters go into the forest

One is really good, one is ok, and the third one is bad.

the first day, the good hunter goes out and comes back after a few hours with two deer. Astounded, the other two ask how he did it. he says "simple. I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer, and bring it home fo...

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

A bloke is sent by his wife to get snails to make escargot...

"I expect ya back in an hour as the bread's already bakin' and the wine's already breathin' on the table" says his wife .

The bloke walks down the path towards town and the local market. Upon arriving he finds the snails, and he spends a good five minutes picking out the biggest and juiciest ...

George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump are dead and stand in front of god.

God asks Bush: “So? What do you believe in?”

Bush answers: “I believe in a free market, a strong America and a United nation.”

God says: “Very good. Why don’t you take a seat to my right.” And Bush takes his seat.

He turns to Obama and asks: “And what do you believe in?”
...

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A wealthy man comes home and says to his wife...

"I lost my fortune in the stock market crash. We have to change our lifestyle. For instance, if you learn how to cook, we can fire the chef."

"All right" she says. "If you learn how to fuck, we can fire the gardener too."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

Guess history repeats itself!

We have Electro Swing, another Pandemic, and a Crashing Stock Market! Looks like the Twenties are back again!

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

The stock market crashing last week was worst than a divorce.

Lost half of my money AND the wife is still there.

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A bear walks into a market

A bear walks into a market one day, shopping for salmon.

The bear approaches an old man with sunglasses and a cane, and asks, "Excuse me, sir, could you please point me in the direction of the fish aisle?"

The old man simply stares and replies, "What the fuck?"

An old lady in her deathbed calls her husband for something important

"George, I want you to go in the attic and open the third drawer of the black polished furniture.
I want you to bring me what you find there."

The husband goes upstairs in the attic and finds the furniture near the entrance, he opens the third drawer and finds an egg box with 3 eggs in it,...

Last night rioters destroyed the famous Etampes Cheese Market in Paris

All that was left was de-Brie

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

My friend is an honourable, courteous and chivalrous guy. But he hates the stock market. When I asked him why, he said:

Gentlemen prefer bonds.

The stock market is like a guy with IBS

All it takes is one fart to ruin the day.

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Three blondes walk into a super market...

Three blondes walk into a supermarket. There’s a very attractive man, fully naked, handing out chip samples. The first blonde walks over, gives him a hand job and returns to the group. “I got chips”, she says. The second blonde walks over and gives him a blowjob. She comes back and says “I got chips...

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the steakhouse market?

It was a big McSteak.

While browsing the poultry market, the clerk asked me if I would like try some goose...

...I told him no thanks, I was just gonna take a gander.

How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. The free market will do it for us

My Dog Is Hiding

My dog is hiding and I can't find him.

Last time I will tell him we are going to the flea market.

The US government has been there for us through hard times From the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.

I'm starting to think they're bad luck

So I see now the papers are having a go at the guy who marketed Jenga. Typical of the media.

They build them up and then they knock them down.

This guy moves to NYC

and the first night in his new apartment he realizes how loud his upstairs neighbor is, so he goes upstairs to politely ask him to cut it out. When he asks him to quiet down the guy responds with a nod and slams the door in face, resuming the loudness.

A week goes by and every night is the sa...

A duck walks into a farmers market.

“Do you have corn?” The duck asks.
“No, unfortunately not” the worker replied.

The next day the duck is back.
“Do you have corn?” Asks the duck once again.
“No. We don’t” the worker says.

The third day the duck is back yet again.
“Do you have corn?” It asks.
“No! We don’...

The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market Crash of 1929

But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps

A farmer and his wife were headed to market one day.

They get a few miles down the road and the mule pulling the wagon just stops and refuses to move.

The farmer gets off of the wagon and walks around to the front of the wagon, grabs the mule by the ears and looks him in the eyes and says "that's one".

The farmer climbs back on the wag...

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Market

A  young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big  "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
 The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ."
 Well, the boss was unsure, but he...

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

What do the stock market and my ex have in common?

Theyre both doing really well and all my friends are in them except me

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A pothead goes to the local dealer.

He says:
- Yo, gimme something new, something strong!
- Alright man, this is the new product in the market. replies the dealer. It's called "Light-Dark".
- Light-Dark? Why? asks the pothead.
- Just buy some, try it out, and you'll see why.

Our pothead buys the stuff, arrives at h...

Iran has announced a controversial move to reopen outdoor markets

Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision

Why don't people in trailer parks invest in the stock market?

Because their money is tied up in bonds.

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How is the stock market like sex?

I should've pulled out much sooner.

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

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Fucked up duck

So a boys mother asks him to take one of the ducks from the farm to town to sell at market. the boy agrees and goes out and picks the biggest duck from the farm and heads to town. When he gets to town he is walking down the street and a lady see the duck and says I’ll give you a fuck for the duck, t...

As scientists try to determine whether it escaped from a lab or originated in an animal market

Others say it's the president now and everyone just has to live with it

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Larry the horny Cockerel

Farmer goes to market to buy a cockerel to mate with his hens. At the market he sees one going very cheap. The previous owner is very happy to sell it. Back at the farm the cockerel (now named Larry) is set among the henhouse, the farmer goes to bed.
Larry Fucks most of the hens to death, jumps ...

So there was this blind man.

He was feelin' his way down the street with a stick.

He walked past this fish market.

He stopped, he took a deep breath sniffs the air and says
"Woo good morning ladies"

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A third grade teacher assigns her students homework

They are to ask their parents for a story with a moral and share it the next day.
The next day the teacher calls on little Peggy-Sue. Peggy-Sue stands and says “My daddy told me about the chickens that we raise for slaughter. One day we bought 12 eggs and only 9 of them hatched. The moral of the...

Two guy friends are planning how to market their new product

Friend 1: “Should I make a folded informative pamphlet that we can hand out to potential customers?”

Friend 2: “Bro, sure!”

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I was going to start my own Viagra company..

Turns out, it's a pretty stiff market

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

If Ice Cream Required a Prescription

Each scoop would cost $300 negotiated down to a mere $50.

It would only be available at the pharmacy across town.

You would have to buy 200 pounds at a shot and store it on your own.

There would only be one flavor, black licorice.

It'll take 20 years for a generic ice...

Hertz car rentals announced a last minute marketing campaign today to avoid bankruptcy

They hired Michael Stipes from R.E.M. to remind people everybody Hertz

An old man walks into a farmer's market

"Do you need any help, sir?" A young stallworker calls over to him.

"No!" Snapped the old man. "Do I look like I need any help?! Just because I'm 121 doesn't make me a baby!"

"Wow!" The stallworker replies. "You don't look it; you look like you're 70!"

"Yeah, well it's my 122nd ...

The stock market crashed and the bars are closed

this sure feels like the 20s





(from r/showerthoughts)

Did you hear about Coronas new marketing campaign?

Apparently it's gone viral in China.

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A priest enters a fish market.

When he asks what the man behind the counter recommends, the man brings out a large fish. "My goodness!" The priest exclaims. "That fish is huge!" "Yeah." The man replies. "It's a big son of a bitch." The priest says "Sir. Please mind your language." Thinking quickly, the man says "Oh. No. The name ...

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A woman walks into the farmer’s market and says,

“I’d like to buy some tomatoes.”

The clerk says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re all out of tomatoes, and won’t have any for a few days.”
So the woman leaves.

A few hours later, the same woman shows up and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes.”

The clerk says, “I apologize miss...

Remember men, no means no, but one thousand no's and one yes

is YouTube Premium's entire marketing scheme.

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

My friend asked me for a trading technique when I told him I have $100k worth of stock in this bad market.

I said, "Start with $200k".

A marketing team had to make a Coca-Cola ad for Arabia

So they sent their best man on the job. When he came back, they saw that the campaign failed miserably and nobody was buying the product. So the team asked him what happened. He explained:

We made a billboard with three images. On the first one, there is a person that is very unhealthy and a...

So a snail goes to a car dealership

and requests the fastest sports car the dealer has to offer. The car dealer points him to a brand new red race car, fastest in the market. The snail is ecstatic and buys it, telling the car dealer he'll be back tomorrow to pick it up.

"But before I do pick it up," says the snail, "I'd like a ...

Why is the resale market for weed so great?

It’s all about buy low, sell high ;)

The marketing guys at Corona don‘t know what to do next

Now that their campaign went viral

One buzzword in today’s business world is “Marketing”

Courtesy of a friend via email; this is a quick 'primer' on Marketing....
People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, OK, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing....

Javert's Market is having a sale on baguettes.

Naturally, they're two for €6.01.

I feel sorry for Corona beer's marketing campaign

Nothing can go viral.

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Billy the Irishman

An old Irishman shuffles into a bar at sundown with his eyes low and his head down. The bartender says *"ay, Billy! What's the matter? You seem troubled"*. Billy responds with *"you see this bar we're standing in? I built it with me own hands!*

*But they don't call me the bar builder, no! And...

The biggest marketing budget ever.

The Last of Us II.

A restaurant test-marketed its new breakfast sandwiches. They sold lots of Baconsters and Porksters,

but almost nobody ordered the Hamster.

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A blind man with his seeing eye dog walks into a flea market.

He picks up the dog and starts swinging the dog on the harness over his head.
A vendor runs over and yells at him to stop and asks what the fuck he thinks he's doing?
Oh don't mind me....I'm just having a look around.

She’s from Minsk

A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 roubles, but to buy a cow fr...

Why should you always invest into the bean market?

The stalks can only go up

A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages... And if there are any eggs, take 10”

Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?”
“They had eggs.”

I went to the farmers market to get some herbs and vegetables.

But when my friends invited me over for some pizza, I figured it was a waste of thyme.

My sister started sobbing because she’s nervous about entering the job market with a philosophy degree.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing

The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the te...

What do you call a place you go to buy evacuation equipment?

A flee market

I'm going to start my own brand of rice wine called "Shi Kitsune"

Of course we'll have to translate it for the US market, Four Fox Sake

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Marketing: lets create a fun and exciting cereal

**Executive:** okay... go on.

**Marketing:** it’ll have cool colors and fruity flavors...

**Executive:** omg yes

**Marketing:** and rabbits can fuck right off if they think they can have some!

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A toothpaste factory had a problem

Due to the way the production line was set up, sometimes empty boxes were shipped without the tube inside. People with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming off of it is perfect 100% ...

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A new washing liquid has been launched

It is marketed as the Best Universal Grit Grime and Effluence Remover. So if Persil won't whiten it and Tide won't brighten it and Dash won't renew it - BUGGER it.

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An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.


He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.


"Why did you stop me you old fool?"


"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old ma...

There's a new type of Heroin on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"

Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein

What happens when corn traders in the commodity market indulge in greedy but lame practices to profit?

Corny capitalism

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