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Selling Jokes

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and sa...

A kid is selling lemonade…

The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1

A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.

The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.

As the construction worker walks away, he t...

I am selling my username.

It’s just under a buck.

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he begins yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, ...

There’s a woman selling batteries in the park.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs..

I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber

A blonde tried to sell her old car...

She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles.

One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“There is a way to make the car easier to sell but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde.

“O...

Selling war insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. <...

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

his door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him.

He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"


The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"
The third came in and said, "I- i ...

A man was idling in the street, bored, when he saw a man selling apples close by

He approached the man, and asked, "How much do these apples cost?". The vendor replied, "An apple costs $1 and an apple seed costs $2.". Confused, the man asked, "Why are you selling the seeds? and why are they so expensive?". The vendor said, "Apple seeds are actually known to make you so much time...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

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A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay

So some bloke rang him up and said “is it massive”
Kevin replies “huge”
Then the bloke says “how many feet”
Kevin says “none its a snake you twat”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Selling Toothbrushes. Source: My Dad

(Long)
One day a man was walking down the street when he sees a kid on the corner selling tooth brushes. The kid asks him, "Hey sir would you like to buy a toothbrush?"
The man says, "I would except I already have one at home. I don't need one right now but do you want a tip to help...

My friend started selling his own body parts to make money

First it was just one of his fingers to pay some bills off. When he realised how much he could make he sold even more body parts. Sitting in his mansion, rich enough to afford not to work, he asked me what I thought about him selling even more body parts.

I told him, I think you should quit w...

I’m thinking about selling my theremin.

I haven’t touched it in years.

Selling my brand new parachute

Never been opened, used once.

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

My wife came home and said “I’ve been selling my body for money today and I’ve made £300 and 50p”, I said who the hell gave you 50p.

She said “all of them”.

I've just started a new business selling trampolines in Prague

Getting a lot of orders, but the Czechs keep bouncing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boy selling newspapers

A boy is selling newspapers in a street corner when a man walks up to him and says "W-w-what t-t-time is it b-boy?" The boy looks at him but doesn't say anything. "I a-asked you a q-question b-boy, W-w-what t-t-time is it?" Again the boy doesn't say anything. The man is getting angry at this point a...

A woman sends her husband to the market to sell a goat.

After selling it, he stopped by the blacksmith and bought a vise and a basket. He put the vise in the basket and headed home. On his way back, he saw a merchant selling livestock.
Having leftover money, he decided to buy a duck as well. The merchant tells him:
"Listen mister, I only have these...

Selling Coke.

The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. B...

Do you know anyone selling body parts?

I'd like to buy a bowel.

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

Selling coffins must be a hard job.

It's the last thing any of us need.

A man was selling his TV

A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks

'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'

'yup'

'It looks brand new!'

'It is.'

'What's wrong with it?'

'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change...

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

A girl enters a shop selling perfumes.

\- Excuse me, - she says. - What is this perfume?

\- That one? It's called "Flaming Kiss".

\- And that one?

\- That's "Night Embrace".

\- And this?

\- "Ecstasy".

\- Excuse me, but have you got anything for beginners?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my friend I made $600 a month selling dog shit

He said: "That's gross!"

I said: "No, that's net."

I once bought a best-selling book on time management.

But I never had time to read it.

Guy selling apple seeds at street...

Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: ok...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to start a business selling premium dildos,

but I think I can't compete with Apple selling overpriced stuff for assholes.

A dentist in my town just got arrested for selling drugs!

It's amazing what secrets people can keep. I've been going to him for over ten years and I never knew he was a dentist!

Why was the Tyrannosaurus rex selling handguns?

Because he was a small arms dealer.

I think Reddit used a scheme when selling coins,

And I believe it was a shilling technique.

I’ve very recently started a company selling trampolines in Prague…

My first Czech bounced.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hi everyone, I’m selling my new book on reverse psychology.

It’s fucking terrible.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

Selling brains for charity

Obama and Trump are asked to sell their brains for charity.

Obama offers his brains for $100,000.

"Why so much?", someone asks.

"Well", Obama says, "I studied Law at Harvard. My brains are extremely well developed".

Trump offers his brains for $10,000,000.

"That's ...

A boy selling newspapers on the street

Keeps walking around the streets with newspapers while waving one around and shouting: Mass fraud! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled!

One guy quickly runs to the boy and buys a newspaper. as soon as he has it in his hand he starts...

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Russian all end up in hell. The Frenchman begs to make one last call home to see how his family is coping. The devil says fine, it’ll cost you an extra thousand years in the flames. The Frenchman agrees, and tearfully listens to his wife doing his brother.

The Italian begs to call home to see how his daughters are doing. That’ll be an extra thousand years in the flaming pit, says the devil. So be it, says the Italian, and weeps as he listens to his children selling the farm.


Now I want to call home, says the Russian, and grabs the receiv...

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a...

I started a company...

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

Apparently Pfizer is now selling a pill that treats skepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

An old farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

He knocked on a door, and a very pretty young lady dressed in an extremely sheer negligee answered.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, “Would you like to buy some peaches?”

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side, showing her breast, and asked, “Are they as ...

If you make money selling Indian bread...

You run a Naan Profit Organization.

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

I just lost my job as a clown, so I'm selling my car...

It's a bargain: one owner, 11000 miles, seats 26

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to sell toothbrushes

Monday at school, the teacher lined up all the students and had them present their weekend homework: their assignment was to sell something and give a presentation on effective salesmanship.

Sally was up first. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30. My sales approach was to appeal to peop...

The little black jewish boy...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

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We're selling assholes!

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, pu...

Three men are selling Bibles

Three men go out selling Bibles to raise money for their church.
At the end of the day, the three meet up to discuss their success.
Bob goes first and was proud to say that he sold 5 Bibles and made $50 for the church.
Sam goes next and was pleased to say that he sold 7 Bibles and made $...

If you see a monk going door to door selling flowers in your neighborhood, call the authorities immediately.

Because only YOU can prevent florist friars.

Artist: “How are my paintings selling?”

Gallery owner: “When I explained how the value would greatly increase after your death, very well! One person bought 15 paintings!”

Artist: "Oh! That’s amazing! Who bought them?”

Gallery owner: “Your doctor.”

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

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A pirate is selling his loot at a stand on the docks

A pirate is selling some loot at a stand he has set up on the docks. A man approaches and is interested in hearing about how he lost his limbs.

Man: "How did you lose your leg?"

Pirate: "I was fighting off a shark in the sea. He got me leg, but I got one of his teeth. Now I use this wo...

I'm going to start selling kids' snack packs: crackers, cheese, ham slices, and Mexican wrestling masks.

I'll call them Luchables.

The world’s fastest-selling chess book

Do you know what was the world’s fastest-selling chess book?

It was wrapped in simple brown paper and called: "Recently translated from the original French: twenty-six new mating positions".

My libertarian neighbor posted a newspaper ad selling his collection of Star Trek ships.

And here I thought he believed in free Enterprise.

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it th...

I'm making a killing selling home security systems...

All I do is say "Hello" at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed.

I’m selling my dead batteries.

They’re free of charge if you’re interested.

Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.

Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black man selling drugs?

A pharmacist, you racist.

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