UPJOKE

### Her: Let's exchange numbers

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

### A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

### A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.

He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US\$1,500.

The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US\$1,499. He asks why.

The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.”

The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”

### Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Give me a da...

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### A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

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### The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention

So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a we...

### Exchange rate

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get tw...

### So a foreign exchange student asks me:

"Is the word "ee-ther" or "eye-ther?"

I told them it was either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....

He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an ‘ah so’, and leaves.

He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, ‘fluctuations’!!

He angril...

### Exchange rate is pretty rubbish at the moment…

€60 will only get you one pound… at the Dutch brothel.

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### A boy offers a girl \$100 in exchange for sex

"Sure, why not" replies the girl.

"Are you crazy? What do you think I am?"

"I already know what you are, now we're just discussing the price."

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### An Asian walks into a currency exchange and get \$100 back for his exchange

Next day he goes there again and for the same amount of money he receives \$94 this time.

He asks the teller "why \$6 less today compared to yesterday"

The teller say "fluctuations"

The Asian man get up angrily and storms out slamming the door, turns around and shouts "fluc you Am...

### I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

### Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

### These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

### Crypto exchange FTX goes to Chapter 11...

With a CEO called **Bankman-Fried**, it was to be expected

### The German exchange rate

You heard that one about the German eggs-change rate?

Apparently it's an ei for an ei!

### Brittney Griner and Viktor Bout are talking during prisoner exchange, arguing about who lives in a freer country.

Brittney says, "America is the best! I can go to the White House, demand to see the president, and tell him I don't like the way he's running this country."

"Big deal," Viktor says, "I can do that too."

"You can?" Brittney says.

"Sure," says Viktor. I can walk up to the Kremlin...

### A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

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### Irish exchange student

I was volunteering in my sons 1st grade class. During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.

So the teacher asks, “can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”

And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand. “The ...

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### An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him \$180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get \$200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

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### whats it called when you sell a prostitute your deer in exchange for sex?

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### A Japanese woman went to the bank to exchange yen to US dollars.

The teller gave her \$100. A few weeks later, she gave the teller the same amount of yen, but she was given only \$90.

She said, "What wrong? I give yen, you only give 90 dorrah?!"

The teller shrugged and said "Fluctuations?"

The woman said "Fuck you white peopre too."

### A fabricated exchange between George Bernard Shaw and Winston Churchill.

Shaw writes to Churchill: "I'm reserving you two tickets for my new play. Come with a friend (if you have one, that is)."

Churchill replies to Shaw: "I can't make the first performance. I'll make sure to watch the second performance (if you have one, that is)."

### When I was in college I met a girl at a bar and we exchanged phone numbers...

But then every time the phone rang it was for her. It was very confusing and annoying

### Why do all german exchange students fail math?

Because nobody wants to see their final solution.

### I was an exchange student in Chernobyl...

There were so many extra-testicular activities

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### An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with \$72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed \$66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fuck you America...

### Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

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### CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

### A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

### The exchange student

A wealthy Arab had a son who was an exchange student in America. Because of his father's wealth, the son would arrive to school every day in a luxurious Rolls-Royce. Soon after school started, the son sent a letter to his father. It said "Dear father. I feel very ashamed; I arrive to school everyday...

### The devil appears before a new lawyer, offering him a wish in exchange for his soul.

The lawyer, enthusiastically and without hesitation, wishes to be made “the best damn lawyer the us justice system has ever seen.” Surprised at the enthusiasm, the devil asks why he seemed so excited to throw away his soul for success in this life. The lawyer simply replies:

“If I’m going t...

### My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

### My friend wanted to exchange his hourglass for my globe.

But I would never trade the world for more time.

### I finally got the nerve to ask out the hot French exchange student...

But for some reason, instead of answering, she commented on my recent growth spurt.

But her English isn't so good and I had to correct her.

"No no," I said, "there is no 'ARE' in the sentence. It is just 'You grew some'."

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### Having big boobs is overrated

So, I myself have big boobs and I have no idea why people wish they had big boobs so badly. They're so annoying and don't look good and I've even been mocked for the size of my boobs. I wish I had small boobs and would happily exchange mine for smaller boobs, especially since I'm a dude.

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### A Japanese woman is trying to exchange Yen for Dollars at a bank

With a baffled look on her face, she angrily demands, “Yesterday, it was 180 Yen to a dollar, today it’s 200. Why is that?”
The banker responds, “Fluctuations”
The woman snaps back, “Well, fuck you white people, too!”

### At a university exchange programme, an American student met a Syrian student.

“How are the things going on in your country right now?”

“Not good. We still don’t have proper medical facilities, there are plenty of homeless people, lots of religious fanatics and mass murders keep happening everyday.”

“The things aren’t that great here as well,” replied the Syrian ...

### People think that I'm stupid because I ask them for money in exchange of politically incorrect opinions.

Well, I beg to differ.

Purrency.

### I was forced to make bread in exchange for information

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### A joke from India

Translated from Hindi:

There is a queue outside the bank where people are waiting to get in and exchange currency. One chap keeps cutting the queue and goes to the front. The rest of the people keep forcing him back.

This goes on 5-6 times. The guy finally gets pissed and says

'...

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### Two students and a teacher want to have sex with foreign exchange students.

One student goes for the French student, and the whole time she screams, "Oui! Oui! Oui!"

The other student gets with a Spanish student, and she screams, "Sí! Sí! Sí!"

The teacher locks a German student in his office, the whole time she screams, "Nein! Nein! Nein!" He replies, "Really?...

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### A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
sexual statistics.

replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

### The exchange rate in France is terrible.

\$100 U.S. is only a cent in France

### What did they name Game of Thrones' first stock exchange?

Investeros

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### Doctor: Have you ever had sex in exchange for money?

Me: Yeah, I've dated before.

### Why don't abalone exchange gifts?

They're pretty shellfish.

### An Iranian goes to exchange some currency

He asks the teller what the current rate is for the US Dollar.

"Now, or... now?"

### Two men, both new to the town, was discussing their new home.

"What a strange place," said one of them. "I went to check out the stock exchange yesterday, and it turned out to be all about soups and sauces. Very disappointing."

"You think that's disappointing?" replied the other. "I went to check out the brothel!"

### Actual exchange the morning of my wedding yesterday:

Photographer (to bride): scale of 1 to 10, what's your stress level at?

Bride: 8

Groom (me): WOOHOO SINGLE DIGITS

### Told a German exchange student about the American Dream.

Afterward I asked if him if Germans had a dream like that. He said "We used to but nobody liked it"

### Actual exchange between my wife and I(myself being muslim)

Wife: Tell me a joke.

Me: Ok, what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

wife: what?

me: nothing, you've already told her twice.

**mutual chuckling**

wife: aww, why'd you have to make a muslim joke?

me: I didn't make a muslim joke. I made a wife beater jo...

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### They just offered me sex in exchange for advertising a new detergent brand, can you believe it?

Of course I did not accept, because my will is strong, as strong as the new Axion liquid cleaner, the only true grease and stain remover, now with a new and irresistible vanilla-cherry scent.

### So I'm sitting in a bar and a gorgeous, very shapely woman sits down next to me and we exchange a few words.

So I ask her if she would sleep with me for \$1 Million Dollars. And she says "Hell yes!".
So I ask her "How about \$500 thousand dollars?" And she thinks for a minute and says "Sure, why not?"
So I said "How about for \$50?"
She says "What the hell do you think I am?"
I said "I ...

### The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.

The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car ...

### When I was growing up in South Dakota we would go out and catch rabbits to give to the local brewery in exchange for cash.

Apparently they used them for the hops.

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### A bar is testing out an innovative new exchange system.

The bar owner has noticed a relatively major problem in her area-
people come in to drink, and when they are ready to head out, they feel obligated to finish the drink they paid for. This little bit is enough to push many patrons past their limit and the bar owner wants to do something to encour...

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### A poor man and rich man

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

### What do you call someone who sells themself in exchange for spaghetti?

A pasta-tute

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### If you’re a tattoo artist who gives free tattoos in exchange for being flashed

Are you then a believer of tit for tat?

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### An Japanese man walks into a bank...

... and goes up to the teller. Even though he is new to speaking English, he says, "I wish to exchange 400 of my currency for US dollars. The teller proceeds to do so and they politely part ways. A few days pass and the Japanese man again walks into the bank, again to exchange the same amount curren...

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### A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

### I matched with a tinder profile that had no pics.

We chatted a bit. Smart and funny so i asked for a date. She said yes!

I'm not expecting much, probably 400lbs. But she answered the door, this little strawberry blomde with a head full of curls and all the right curves in all the right places. We exchanged our real names and i asked what sh...

### A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that co...

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### My wife made me some novelty tickets to exchange for sexy times.

Sadly she didn't make me any backstage passes.

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### One week, a Chinese guy exchanged some currency....

and came back next week to do it again, only to find that the rate had increased.

He asked the nearby white clerk, "Hey! You! Why it more expensive now?"

The clerk replied, "Oh. Fluctuations."

And the Chinese man said, "Well, fuck you white guy!"

(Disclaimer: I'm Chinese ...

### American teaching class of young foreign exchange students

"Okay class, can any of you use the word Dandelion in a sentence?"

A young boy from Ghana raises his hand and says

"The cheetah is fasta dan-de-lion!"

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### A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

### Where did the practice of signing a piece of paper in exchange for services and goods start?

The Czech Republic.

### John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

### Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks

They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders a...

### What do you call it when people exchange sea creatures?

Squid pro quo.

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### A man enters a pharmacy and orders a box of Viagra

The pharmacist asks for about 10€ and gives him the meds. He opens the box, takes one, and pulls out a 500€ note to pay. The pharmacist doesn't have enough change to give him, so he offers to go to the bakery next door to get some bread and try to get the money changed and swiftly comeback.

I...

### A kleptomaniac never appreciated how he could exchange stolen goods for rocks.

He took things for granite.

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### A woman walks into a bank to deposit \$100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you \$50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

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### A Koala is sitting in a bar...

A Koala is sitting in a bar enjoying his drink when a beautiful woman approaches him. She starts flirting and they chat for a few minutes before the woman looks at the Koala and says

"hey, you wanna get outta here?"

"Sure!" the Koala replied as he jumped off the stool and took her ha...

### Why didn't the bride and groom exchange their wedding vows?

TL;DR

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### In 1944, Germany was losing WWII and was desperate for money. Nazi party officials secretely visited Switzerland bankers and offered to trade an entire division of Panzers in exchange for precious metals.

Tanks for the gold!

A Squid-Pro-Quo

### The new sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to exchange it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

### I've just seen a man in the local bookstore exchange a swede like vegetable for some hardbacks

I thought, that's a turnip for the books

### An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave \$5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace."

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, a...