A rookie police officer pulled me over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Me: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Me: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Me: That's right. But co...

Her: Let's exchange numbers

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.

He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500.

The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why.

The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.”

The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”

The exchange rate in France is terrible.

$100 U.S. is only a cent in France

Why do all german exchange students fail math?

Because nobody wants to see their final solution.

What do you call someone who sells themself in exchange for spaghetti?

A pasta-tute

A bar is testing out an innovative new exchange system.

The bar owner has noticed a relatively major problem in her area-
people come in to drink, and when they are ready to head out, they feel obligated to finish the drink they paid for. This little bit is enough to push many patrons past their limit and the bar owner wants to do something to encour...

I walked up to a French foreign exchange student at school.

Then, I told them that I was French also.

​

They didn't believe me.

​

Later on, I was playing a game of chess with them.

​

I was in a terrible position so I resigned and said, "Alright you got me I surrender."

&#x2...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City...

He entered the store with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Japanese man stormed out, a...

People think that I'm stupid because I ask them for money in exchange of politically incorrect opinions.

Well, I beg to differ.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was offered sex with a 24 year old Instagram model last night. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon scent or vanilla.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he's short on cash. He proposes that he plays the piano in exchange for some drinks.

The bartender agrees and the guy walks over to the piano and starts playing. The bartender and patrons are amazed at the beautiful sounds that are produced from this old piano. He plays several songs in a row. After about 20 minutes he walks up to the bartender and asks if that was worthy of a drink...

I've just seen a man in the local bookstore exchange a swede like vegetable for some hardbacks

I thought, that's a turnip for the books

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor: Have you ever had sex in exchange for money?

Me: Yeah, I've dated before.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife made me some novelty tickets to exchange for sexy times.

Sadly she didn't make me any backstage passes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got prescribed Adderall back in college and used to give them to this girl in exchange for sex...

She was such an Attention Whore!

My brother’s just been talked into smoking by a french exchange student.

Talk about Pierre pressure

I just found out my little brother has been forced to smoke at school by some mad french foreign exchange student.

It was Pierre pressure

At a university exchange programme, an American student met a Syrian student.

“How are the things going on in your country right now?”

“Not good. We still don’t have proper medical facilities, there are plenty of homeless people, lots of religious fanatics and mass murders keep happening everyday.”

“The things aren’t that great here as well,” replied the Syrian ...

Told a German exchange student about the American Dream.

Afterward I asked if him if Germans had a dream like that. He said "We used to but nobody liked it"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde was going for a driving test for her license but was nervous as she’d failed 8 times before. After talking with her blonde friends they came up with a sure-fire plan. She was to pick a man as the driving instructor, and to use sex as a bargaining tactic in exchange for passing her

She came back disappointed though, she failed.
“What happened?” her friends asked.
“When I was sucking him off, I crashed”

So I was at my bank today.

There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it ch...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two students and a teacher want to have sex with foreign exchange students.

One student goes for the French student, and the whole time she screams, "Oui! Oui! Oui!"

The other student gets with a Spanish student, and she screams, "Sí! Sí! Sí!"

The teacher locks a German student in his office, the whole time she screams, "Nein! Nein! Nein!" He replies, "Really?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention

So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a we...

From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .

Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese woman is trying to exchange Yen for Dollars at a bank

With a baffled look on her face, she angrily demands, “Yesterday, it was 180 Yen to a dollar, today it’s 200. Why is that?”
The banker responds, “Fluctuations”
The woman snaps back, “Well, fuck you white people, too!”

Actual exchange the morning of my wedding yesterday:

Photographer (to bride): scale of 1 to 10, what's your stress level at?

Bride: 8

Groom (me): WOOHOO SINGLE DIGITS

I couldn't afford a set of false teeth, but I found a guy who would make me a set in exchange for me doing some work around his house.

I guess you could say it was indentured servitude.

Why did ancient Romans not exchange high fives?

They didn't want to spread HIV.

Exchanges recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a woman who is willing to sleep with someone in exchange for adderall?

An attention whore.

An Iranian goes to exchange some currency

He asks the teller what the current rate is for the US Dollar.

"Now, or... now?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese man goes to a currency exchange in New York

He gives the girl at the counter 10000 yen and she gives him $100.
The next day he goes back into the exchange and goes up to the same girl at the counter. He again gives her 10000 yen and this time she gives him $90.
He asks “Why different?”
She replies “Fluctuations.”
He suddenly get...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy offers a girl $100 in exchange for sex

"Sure, why not" replies the girl.

"And what about $10?" the boy asks.

"Are you crazy? What do you think I am?"

"I already know what you are, now we're just discussing the price."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke from India

Translated from Hindi:

There is a queue outside the bank where people are waiting to get in and exchange currency. One chap keeps cutting the queue and goes to the front. The rest of the people keep forcing him back.

This goes on 5-6 times. The guy finally gets pissed and says

'...

I asked an exchange student where he was from.

For some reason he just kept saying "you're a guy"

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

A kleptomaniac never appreciated how he could exchange stolen goods for rocks.

He took things for granite.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.

The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them....

So a man walks into a bar..

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches,...

So a foreign exchange student asks me:

"Is the word "ee-ther" or "eye-ther?"

I told them it was either.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A NYC cab driver is en route to pick up a passenger at the stock exchange

On his way, he keeps door-checking stock traders as he goes by, laughing his ass off.

As he pulls up, he notices his customer is a priest, so he internally curses - he can't keep hitting stock brokers while he's got a man of God in the car with him.

They exchange pleasantries and leave...

Why don't abalone exchange gifts?

They're pretty shellfish.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese woman went to the bank to exchange yen to US dollars.

The teller gave her $100. A few weeks later, she gave the teller the same amount of yen, but she was given only $90.

She said, "What wrong? I give yen, you only give 90 dorrah?!"

The teller shrugged and said "Fluctuations?"

The woman said "Fuck you white peopre too."

I gave my friend a cavendish in exchange for a weight-measuring device.

Banana for scale.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher said to her class, "Let's review some American history..."

"...Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775," he answered.

"Very good! Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for t...

What do you call it when people exchange sea creatures?

Squid pro quo.

Why do pirates love Reddit?

It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In an 3rd grade American class room...

The teacher is discussing U.S. presidents.

"Who gave the Gettysburg Address?" she asked the class.

Immediately a hand shot up belonging to a female Japanese foreign exchange student.

"Yes?" the teacher asked.

"Abraham Lincoln! 1863!" replied the girl proudly.

"That...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OB...

Snow White and the Three Dwarfs met Goldilocks and the Seven Bears at a party last week

They exchanged numbers

I'm thinking of starting a business will use free child labor in exchange for temporary housing.

Although I don't know if I can compete with the Girl Scouts...

Why didn't the bride and groom exchange their wedding vows?

TL;DR

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The party

Dan, a city man, decides to move to a small cabin in the mountains.

After 6 months of hardly any human contact, except for venturing into town for supplies, he hears a knock on his door.

He opens the door to find this big, surly, bearded man standing in front of him.

"May I help...

An old woman notices her husband's fly is unzipped...

An old woman sees her husband's fly on his pants is unzipped. She says, "You left the barn door open. The cow is gonna get out if ya don't close it."

The old man replied, "It can't get out if it can't get up!"

(I adapted this from an actual exchange that my great grandparents had a few...

The exchange student

A wealthy Arab had a son who was an exchange student in America. Because of his father's wealth, the son would arrive to school every day in a luxurious Rolls-Royce. Soon after school started, the son sent a letter to his father. It said "Dear father. I feel very ashamed; I arrive to school everyday...

Actual exchange between my wife and I(myself being muslim)

Wife: Tell me a joke.

Me: Ok, what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

wife: what?

me: nothing, you've already told her twice.

**mutual chuckling**

wife: aww, why'd you have to make a muslim joke?

me: I didn't make a muslim joke. I made a wife beater jo...

"Why do you always exchange your Canadian dollars to USD? It makes no sense!"

"Well neither does the Canadian Mint!"

At a gag gift exchange, I gave a woman a hotdog and a condom

She said "Frankly, I never sausage a small weiner."

A Foreigner wants to borrow land

\[Long\]

A Foreign man named "Paste" is looking to invest in a plot of land but is short 1/2 of the total cost.


The land he wants and feels is right for him is in the town of "Ugh" but unfortunately he lives in "Um".

He walks into the local Bank and talks to an employee w...

A kangaroo is jumping around in Australia

When ever she stops a little penguin pocks his head out of her pouch.

In Antarctica a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling: Fucx this student exchange program!

I haven't slept all night in the train.

Friend : Why??

Sardar : I had an upper berth.

Friend : Why didn't you exchange it?

Sardar : Bcos there was no one in the lower berth to exchange with.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

A man name Bob was taking his friend deer hunting for the first time...

He had hyped up the hunting trip all year, as they waited for deer season to arrive. The season starts and Bob drives his friend, Dave, to the land where Dave would kill his first deer.


They had the whole weekend, but after almost two days at it, they hadn't seen heads nor tails of the ...

In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange




Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In exchange for eternal youth, Amanda promised a witch her firstborn child.

Amanda's a lesbian.

A man named Ralph decides that he can’t stand his wife any longer, and decides to hire a hitman.

He checks the newspaper one morning and sees an ad that says, “Get any job done for $1.” Ralph excitedly calls the number from the ad, and a man answers.

Man: “Hello, this is Artie. How can I help you?”

Ralph: “Hi there, I saw your ad in the paper and was wondering if you could help m...

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller

He sees from her nametag that the woman working at the counter is named 'Patricia Wack'.

​

"Hello Patricia." the frog says politely. "I'm here today because I'd like to borrow $200,000"

​

Patricia does a double-take, and looks at the frog incredulo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the midwest during the depression, a guy went to work on a ranch in exchange for room and board

After several weeks of no women and being far from the nearest town, the guy was getting horny. He asked the rancher if there was anything he could recommend. The rancher said, "I have a horse in the barn." The guy responds, "Thanks, but no."

After a few more weeks, the guy is even worse, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two lads are learning to cuss

Two brothers are learning to cuss and they decide they need practice. Their conversation goes something like this...

Older bro: tomorrow when we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna say “hell” and you’re gonna say “ass”

Younger bro: alrighty!

The next day when the boys go downs...

Just heard this variation on an oldie!

A hat maker was trying to sell his hats on a hot summers day. After having no luck for 4 hours under the sun, he decided to take a short rest underneath a gigantic tree. He set his briefcase of hats down, took one out to cover his face, and laid down on the grass. With the shade from his hat and the...

FAIR EXCHANGE

Two couples go on vacation together. After a week, they are thoroughly bored.
The men decide that maybe life will take on new meaning if they change partners. They all agree that it's an experiment worth trying.
The morning after the switch, one of the husbands says, ''I'm glad we tried this. ...

Will you marry me...

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the mea...

Where can you find the highest volume of insecurities trading in the world?

The New York Stalk Exchange

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon finds himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A homeless man walks up to a swanky restaurant (long)

He says to the maitre d' 'I'm sorry to bother you but I'm homeless and haven't eaten all day. The smell of food from your kitchen is amazing, would I be able to have dinner here tonight for free?'

Moved though he is, the maitre d' replies that he is sorry and he can't give out free food. 'But...

An old man goes to a restaurant.

He sits down and orders his favorite bowl of soup.

After a small wait the waiter returns with his bowl of soup.

A few minutes go by and the waiter returns and asks the older gentleman how his soup his.

“It’s ice cold” says the man.
“Impossible!” Says the waiter “I watched the...

A man walks into a bar with a chicken and a bucket.

The barman looks puzzled and query’s the man as to why he has these items. The man replies that it’s a rare dancing chicken and offers to show the barman in exchange for a free drink. The barman agrees and the man sets the bucket down and places the chicken on top.

The chicken, amazingly, st...

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