Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

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Irish exchange student

I was volunteering in my sons 1st grade class. During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.

So the teacher asks, “can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”

And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand. “The ...

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I was offered sex with a 23 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of all purpose cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as CleanBrite, the super strong all purpose cleaner. Now available with scented lemongrass.

"So I matched with this cute guy on Tinder last night, and we started chatting and sending each other memes and little animations. But then he mentioned that he was an exchange student from Athens, so I ghosted him." "Why?"

"My daddy always told me, 'Beware the Greeks bearing gifs.'"

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

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CAN MODS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO ARE ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE ...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

So I'm sitting in a bar and a gorgeous, very shapely woman sits down next to me and we exchange a few words.

So I ask her if she would sleep with me for $1 Million Dollars. And she says "Hell yes!".
So I ask her "How about $500 thousand dollars?" And she thinks for a minute and says "Sure, why not?"
So I said "How about for $50?"
She says "What the hell do you think I am?"
I said "I ...

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

What medium of exchange do cats use to get what they want?

Purrency.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

My family was so poor when I was a kid...

We could only exchange glances at Christmas!

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your child...

Her: Let's exchange numbers

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

I was at my bank today...

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange money for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollars, today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"

The teller...

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I was at the bar.... [NSFW]

And some lady dressed like a tramp kept trying to rub my arms. I kept telling her to quit handling me like I was her boyfriend when I didn't even know her. She wouldn't leave me alone, and finally she offered me a desktop computer in exchange for sexual favors. I swear this lady was high as a kite t...

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A boy offers a girl $100 in exchange for sex

"Sure, why not" replies the girl.



"And what about $10?" the boy asks.



"Are you crazy? What do you think I am?"



"I already know what you are, now we're just discussing the price."

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They just offered me sex in exchange for advertising a new detergent brand, can you believe it?

Of course I did not accept, because my will is strong, as strong as the new Axion liquid cleaner, the only true grease and stain remover, now with a new and irresistible vanilla-cherry scent.

Why was the dentist investigated by the Securities & Exchange Commission?

For incisor trading!

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A man wanted to become a rich and famous painter...

But he lacked the skills. So the Devil came to him and said "I will make you a world class painter, you'll be rich and famous. In exchange, I want your soul." The painter agreed, and Lucifer snapped his fingers. A set of brushes appeared, which Satan quickly possessed. After being possessed by Satan...

- Would you accept $50,000 in exchange for the person you hate the most getting $100,000?

\- Sure! Why would I refuse $150,000?

A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.

He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500.

The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why.

The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.”

The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, ‟We have been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was ont rich in life, I'd like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace.”

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and...

What’s a comedian’s favorite medium of exchange?

Bitcoin, followed by cocaine

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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

I had a crush on the hot French exchange student...

When I finally got the nerve to ask her out... I don't know why, but she commented on my recent growth spurt. But her English wasn't good and I had to correct her. “No no,” I said, “there is no ‘ARE’ in the sentence. It is just ‘YOU ~~ARE~~ GREW SOME’."

I was forced to make bread in exchange for information

It was knead to know

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The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention

So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a we...

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I was offered a deer in exchange for sex.

I’d say that’s a real bang for your buck.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

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If you’re a tattoo artist who gives free tattoos in exchange for being flashed

Are you then a believer of tit for tat?

Where did the practice of signing a piece of paper in exchange for services and goods start?

The Czech Republic.

Married man has an affair

A married man who had an Italian love affair for many months learned one day that she was pregnant. The two struck up a deal, in which she would return to Italy to give birth to their child and keep his identity secret in exchange for a large sum of money. In addition, the father would continue to p...

What do you call it when a fisherman gives a cephalopod in exchange for information on his rival fishermen?

A Squid-Pro-Quo

Two melons are in love...

After decades of conflict and war, the people of Watermelon Kingdom and Cataloupe Country are trying to ease diplomatic tensions between their peoples. A student exchange program is started to foster cross-cultural understanding.

Through the exchange program, Wally Watermelon meets Cassandra...

A Rabbi and a Priest

A rabbi and a priest are in the same compartment on a train. They exchange pleasantries and are having a conversation about the differences in their religions.

The Priest asks the Rabbi if he has ever tried pork. The Rabbi says that yes, when he was younger he tried pork. Then the Rabbi as...

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A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

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An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

Why do all german exchange students fail math?

Because nobody wants to see their final solution.

What do you call someone who sells herself in exchange for a plate of spaghetti?

A pasta-tute

Three dinosaurs stumble upon a lamp in the desert.

One of them rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. "In exchange for freeing me, I shall grant each of you one wish," said the genie.

Excited and clamoring amongst each other, the dinosaurs began to dream of meat.

The first one piped up, "I wish it would rain pepperoni and drumsticks!" The...

A well-dressed man walks into a bar.

He takes a seat at the bar, and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

"I'd like a shot of 25-year-old scotch, neat."

The bartender was too lazy to go into the stockroom for 25-year-old scotch, and he figured the man wouldn't know the difference, so he poured a shot of 8-year-old scot...

People think that I'm stupid because I ask them for money in exchange of politically incorrect opinions.

Well, I beg to differ.

The new sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to exchange it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

A soldier rushes to his captain and says: "one enemy ship is approaching us"

Captain Replies “David, Go Bring My Red Shirt”

Soldier Gets Shirt For His Captain.

Enemy Ship Comes In, Heavy Rounds Of Fire Are Exchanged.

Finally The Captain Wins.

Soldier Asks: “Congrats Sir, But Why The Red Shirt?”

Captain Replies: “If I Got Injured Then My Blo...

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Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money and go to Vegas.

A man walks in his front door after a long day at work. Upon entering he hears a voice from out of nowhere that says:

"Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money and go to Vegas."

He thinks he must have been hearing things, so he ignores it. The next day, upon arriving home, he...

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A honeymoon couple booked into a quiet sea-side hotel.

All the staff exchanged knowing glances. At 3 o' clock on the first morning, the desk clerk noticed the groom heading out laden with fishing gear. Amazed, the clerk asked,

"You're going fishing? Why aren't you making love to your lovely new wife?"

"No way, she's got gonnorhoea."
...

Million dollar question

A wise old monk came upon a young man sitting alone sighing to himself.
Wise monk: "What troubles you, young man?"

Young man: "I'm depressed. I have good qualifications. Work hard at my job. But yet, I still have found no success and am broke as a pauper."

The wise monk: "But yo...

At a university exchange programme, an American student met a Syrian student.

“How are the things going on in your country right now?”

“Not good. We still don’t have proper medical facilities, there are plenty of homeless people, lots of religious fanatics and mass murders keep happening everyday.”

“The things aren’t that great here as well,” replied the Syrian ...

I was talking to my mom the other day (oc)...

We exchanged the usual how ya beens, then she asked if I had spoken with my uncle recently. I said yeah, I saw him the other day, set him up with a buddies mom, they are goinf out tonight. My mom paused for a second theb asked

"**Do you want aunts, because thats how you get aunts**"

A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.

He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them.
The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says:
"I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hi...

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My GF is really starting to remind me of my dog...

We cuddle, I take her out every now and then, we walk together, I feed her...

And in exchange, we have sex!

What did they name Game of Thrones' first stock exchange?

Investeros

A man goes into a pub with a chicken under one arm and biscuit tin full of holes under the other...

The bartender tells him "You can't bring that in here."

The man replies- "I think you'll change your mind about that once you've seen what it can do. In fact, you'll probably want to buy her."

The bar was quiet at that particular time of day- so the bartender humours him to see what he...

A joke told in nepali language

Boy 1: the new exchange student in our class doesn’t understand any english

Boy2: how do you know?

Boy 1: yesterday I told her “give me a kiss” and she gave me a slap

If you need to borrow a quarter at school who do you ask?

The exchange students.

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An angel is making his rounds on earth, when he comes across a pair of statues in a park, beautiful nude sculptures of a man and woman facing eachother..

They are placed at the entrance to the park, and the angel is stuck by how beautiful they are, and how tragic it is for then to be eternally so close, yet unable to touch. He decides he will use some of his power to animate them, and in an instant they stand before him.

"I have seen how dilig...

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A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City...

He entered the store with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Japanese man stormed out, a...

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?

All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love y...

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

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Two students and a teacher want to have sex with foreign exchange students.

One student goes for the French student, and the whole time she screams, "Oui! Oui! Oui!"

The other student gets with a Spanish student, and she screams, "Sí! Sí! Sí!"

The teacher locks a German student in his office, the whole time she screams, "Nein! Nein! Nein!" He replies, "Really?...

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

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Doctor: Have you ever had sex in exchange for money?

Me: Yeah, I've dated before.

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

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A Japanese woman is trying to exchange Yen for Dollars at a bank

With a baffled look on her face, she angrily demands, “Yesterday, it was 180 Yen to a dollar, today it’s 200. Why is that?”
The banker responds, “Fluctuations”
The woman snaps back, “Well, fuck you white people, too!”

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A mariner and a woman meet in a bar in New York City...

She says "I have always wanted to visit Europe, but I can't afford a ticket."

The seaman tells her he will sneak her onto his ship, bring her food and water every day until they get to a European port in exchange for sex. She agrees.

The mariner sneaks her onto the ship and hides ...

What movie did you go see?

My parents had great fun teasing each other and yanking each other's chains.

They were visiting me (38m at the time) and my wife+kids, and my Dad & I went out to see a movie. We found Jurassic Park I (in 3D), and went to see that. It was an enjoyable experience.

When we were on o...

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A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he's short on cash. He proposes that he plays the piano in exchange for some drinks.

The bartender agrees and the guy walks over to the piano and starts playing. The bartender and patrons are amazed at the beautiful sounds that are produced from this old piano. He plays several songs in a row. After about 20 minutes he walks up to the bartender and asks if that was worthy of a drink...

The exchange rate in France is terrible.

$100 U.S. is only a cent in France

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My wife made me some novelty tickets to exchange for sexy times.

Sadly she didn't make me any backstage passes.

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Two friends walk into a bar

The bartender greets them with a smile and a “What’ll it be boys?”
Friend one speaks up “You know what? I’m not sure. Got anything special?”

The bartender smiles and tosses him an apple.

“What the hell is this?” He cries.
“Just trust me,” says the bartender with a wink.

A...

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A bar is testing out an innovative new exchange system.

The bar owner has noticed a relatively major problem in her area-
people come in to drink, and when they are ready to head out, they feel obligated to finish the drink they paid for. This little bit is enough to push many patrons past their limit and the bar owner wants to do something to encour...

The teacher asks a student

Talking about the American dream a teacher turns to the German exchange student and asks if Germany has a dream.

The student says there was a German dream but the world didn't like it.

"42! 42! 42!", a redditor heard the neighborhood children chanting loudly and went over to investigate...

He saw all the children dancing around a well and chanting ”42!" over and over. One of them, who seemed to be the leader, saw the redditor and walked over to him.

"What's going on here?" asked the redditor.

"We've found the answer to life, the universe, and everything.” said the ringle...

So a foreign exchange student asks me:

"Is the word "ee-ther" or "eye-ther?"

I told them it was either.

Told a German exchange student about the American Dream.

Afterward I asked if him if Germans had a dream like that. He said "We used to but nobody liked it"

I've just seen a man in the local bookstore exchange a swede like vegetable for some hardbacks

I thought, that's a turnip for the books

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A Japanese woman went to the bank to exchange yen to US dollars.

The teller gave her $100. A few weeks later, she gave the teller the same amount of yen, but she was given only $90.

She said, "What wrong? I give yen, you only give 90 dorrah?!"

The teller shrugged and said "Fluctuations?"

The woman said "Fuck you white peopre too."

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

My brother’s just been talked into smoking by a french exchange student.

Talk about Pierre pressure

I just found out my little brother has been forced to smoke at school by some mad french foreign exchange student.

It was Pierre pressure

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A blind man walks into a bar ...

A blind man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Give me a shot of your finest 30 year old single malt !”

The bartender says, “You know, that will cost you 100 bucks – it’s pretty expensive”. The blind man says “Not a problem, I have the money and I know what I like !”. So the bartende...

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A jew and an American are on a train together. (Sorry for a possibly incorrect or missing flair, I can't flair for some reason)

The American has lots of food. Burgers as the main course, coca cola as the drink, and Twinkies for dessert. The jew has very little food, just some dried fish.



The jew tells the American: "You should give me your burgers and other food in exchange for my fish. It contains phosphorus ...

Actual exchange the morning of my wedding yesterday:

Photographer (to bride): scale of 1 to 10, what's your stress level at?

Bride: 8

Groom (me): WOOHOO SINGLE DIGITS

Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

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A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

When I was in college I met a girl at a bar and we exchanged phone numbers...

But then every time the phone rang it was for her. It was very confusing and annoying

I couldn't afford a set of false teeth, but I found a guy who would make me a set in exchange for me doing some work around his house.

I guess you could say it was indentured servitude.

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A man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.

For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy.

Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.

The next morning h...

From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .

Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?

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panda

So this panda is tired of hanging around the zoo and decides one night, when his cage is accidently left open, that he's going to do what people do.

Being after dark, he's heads to the bar for some good 'ol fashion binge drinkin'

So this panda bear is sitting at the bar drinking some b...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

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