Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

They say once you stop one addiction you trade it for another.

So I stopped chugging beer and started sipping whiskey.

What did Trump say to China during the Trade War Negotiations?

It's my way, my way or the Huawei.

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

China: "We give up, Donald. What'll it take to end the Trade War?

Trump: "You'll have to move all of your factories to the US."

China: "We can't do that."

Trump: "That's too bad, because it's my way or the Huawei."

An Indian tracker is teaching his son the family trade

After a day of analyzing prints and tracks, the old man laid his head down on the plain. After a moment, he said “Buffalo come.”

The son excitedly asked “How can you tell? Can you hear the hoof beats?”

“No” he replied. “Ear sticky.”

I hate people who trade with minerals

They take everything for granite

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

[OC] Why did the guy take machining classes at the all female trade school?

He wanted to get lathed.

All this talk of trade wars...

It’s just Tariffying

Can anyone trade me a wheelchair?

I offer a crushed motorbike

Why do Canadian businessmen go clubbing after a big trade agreement?

To seal the deal

I have the best girlfriend i would not trade for anything on earth

but NASA was having this sale on moon rocks at the gift-shop

I was hungry and low on potassium, He needed a device to help him weigh things, it seemed like a fair trade...

Banana for scale

What do you call an alligator that solves crimes and day trades on the side?

An Investigator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The say your last name speaks to your ancestor’s trade or status or of their nature. I put some stock in that so that’s why...

I never let my son play with the Dickinson family next door.

A sailor has just signed up to join a Transatlantic trade crew for their latest voyage...

The rest of the crew have worked together for years, so he's the only newbie. Initially, it seems to be a pretty ordinary job.

However, after the initial work of loading the ship and leaving the harbor was done, he noticed something weird.

During lunch or dinner, whenever most of the c...

Bush Jr., Obama, and Trump are standing before God...

God begins by asking Bush: "George, in what do you believe?"

Bush: "I believe in free trade and the USA as a strong nation".

God, seemingly impressed: "You may sit to my right".

Then God looks at Obama and asks "Barack, in what do you believe?".

Obama: "I believe in democ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Duck Trade

A farmer had a duck but no use for it. One day the father says, "Son, we don’t need the duck. Take it to the market and sell. In the process you might learn something about trade.”

So the son takes the duck and heads to the city. Upon arriving he runs into a hooker. She says, "Hey, wanna have...

What do you call the ant in the colony who trades with other ant colonies for resources?

Import-ant

Hitting a deer with your car is always an unfair trade.

You're out the cost of the insurance deductible, but nature is only out a buck.

I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...

...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a woman who trades sexual favors for Italian food?

A pasta-tute

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once gave a plumber, a carpenter and a bricklayer a hand job at the same time.

I guess you could call me a jack off all trades.

What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common?

Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.

A blonde is driving down the highway

She is applying make-up in her rear view mirror. Her car drifts into the next lane and trades paint with a pickup truck. They pull off to the side of the road, the driver of the pickup truck gets out and he’s fuming. He asks the blonde if she has insurance and she just stares at him blankly... So he...

What's the #1 rule of the spice trade?

Thyme is money.

Why were the people in the World Trade Center mad on 9/11 ?

Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and all they got was plane.

I would trade my legs for 5 million dollars

But I don't think it would be worth it in the long run

I got a new car for my wife!

Best trade I ever made.

They say that Indian Cooks are a jack of all trades...

But a master of naan.

My girlfriend said this to me when we were getting indian food tonight.

What's the best trade a palindrome has ever made?

A nut for a jar of tuna.

Good trade

Man was walking down the street with a case of beer. His friend Sam stops him and asks "what did ya get the beer for?"

I got it for my wife answers the man

Oh exclaims Sam "Good trade"

New mower!

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration,...

Why would someone make an open-world, action-adventure game dealing with the Caribbean drug trade?

Just 'cause.

Bakers trade bread recipes...

on a knead-to-know basis.

Trump wants to cut funding for birth control, renegotiate trade deals, and stop the wars in the Middle East.

It seems pulling out is his solution for everything.

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I knew a lady whose idea of community service was giving handjobs to blue collar workers.

She was a jack off all trades.

What kind of pizzas did Al Qaeda deliver to the World Trade Center?

Two large plains.

What do you call the underground slave trade?

The black market.

I'm a Jack of all trades

But a master of pun.

The media reported that two Eastern European countries were to play a part in a trade deal during negotiation.

The press later realized that they had misinterpreted a memo from the negotiating parties regarding their lunch order.

An intern was fired for leaving out many crucial details in the memo, including the side dishes and salads, failing to catch an important spelling error, and simplifying thei...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a little bit of every kink.

I'm a jerk-of-all trades.

A starship engineer trades half their ship's cargo...

For a sub light engine. The captain finds out and is angry:
"Why did you trade valuable cargo for something 1/10th the value?"
The engineer replies: "Sorry captain, it was an impulse buy"

My dad just told me that in some cultures, they trade women for cattle.

At first I was a bit concerned, but then I realised putting food on your family's plates was was much more important that cleaning those plates.

A king was visiting the training grounds with his swordmaster

A king was visiting the training grounds with his swordmaster.

There was a crowd watching two fencers trade blows.

The first fencer performed an attack and the crowd gasped.

The king, who isn't into the sport, asked his swordmaster about the move.

"That's what you'd call ...

The iPhone 7 is an of all trades

Sorry, I meant "jack of all trades" but there's no more jack.

Ed Smith was a famous but rude ore trader in the area.

ED SMITH'S SHOP.

It was one of the biggest landmarks in the town. You could just look at that big metal sign and see how proud the man was of his trade.

No matter how good a businessman he was, Ed's arrogant behavior was loathed by pretty much everyone. He was too proud of his riches, ...

I've known Paul for years

He's always been such a nice guy. In middle school, our teachers would always ask if he finished his homework. Paul would hold up his homework and say yes. During lunch, kids would always ask if they could sit with him, and Paul would say yes. A kid would ask if he's trade his pudding cup for an app...

I knew this chick who would give handjobs to anyone, regardless of their profession.

Jacks off all trades.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 450 BC a Greek and a Roman are sitting around, discussing who has more reason to be proud of their heritage

Roman: We are clearly the superior society, after all, we invented aqueducts so cities and fields alike could grow

Greek: Perhaps, but we invented the water mill for grinding abundant grain, so that it could be stored and feed the people. Plus, we developed cartography, mapping out the world....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit, trade Sean Connery jokes with me (warning: contains shockingly bad puns)

The joke I heard here that started it all:

What time does Sean Connery show up at Wimbledon?
*Tennish*

Now, thanks to that discovery, I'm stuck in a tour van with four dudes and we are all hopelessly addicted. Here are what I consider to be our top ten:

1. Did you hear about ...

The Hitchhiker.

A man is driving across the state to see his wife when he sees a Native American hitchhiker on the side of the road. Thinking he could do with some company, he pulls over and lets the man in, offering him a ride home.

The Native man is grateful, but our driver notices that he keeps eyeing the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A porn star comes running up to a laundromat just as it's closing, offering to trade sex so she can wash her clothes. [nsfw]

She just wanted to get one more load in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Mr. Cohen and Mr. Brown are about to start trade with each other.

Mr. Cohen and Mr. Brown are two business men in New York. Mr. Brown is a fourth generation American, who owns a big clothing store, while Mr. Cohen is an old Jewish man, who immigrated to the U.S from Poland during the war. Mr. Cohen is small business owner, who makes cloth.

One day Mr. Cohen...

a jewish boy and a maffia dons' son decide to trade birthday gifts

the Jewish boy has a rolex watch, the maffia dons' son has a Beretta. they both decide the other has the better gift so they swap gifts and go home. the jewish father finds the Beretta and says " what is this? this is not good, this is not good!"

the mafia don finds the rollex watch and ...

I got a bottle of wine for my mother-in-law

It was a great trade.

Jamaica is demanding compensation from the UK for our involvement in the slave trade!

Shocking, we already paid for them once!

I'm still treating my burn

Older Englishman and I like to trade insults at work, and this happened...

Him: Oh dear, was having a good day and you show up.

Me: Don't make me start another Revolution to kick the rest of the English out.

Him (instantly): Well, you've been revolting for years.

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