A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Due to new trade agreements, China becoming increasingly concerned about running out of oil.

No big supplies there.

There’s a lot of blaming and accusations going on concerning the Trump/China trade talks. Basically . . .

It’s a lot of He said Xi said.

I was on board with Trump for the groping, the concentration camps, Kim Jong-Un, the trade war, the millionaire tax cut...

But he really needs to watch his language

The trade war between the U.S. and China is really devolving

Into a case of he said, Xi said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

They say once you stop one addiction you trade it for another.

So I stopped chugging beer and started sipping whiskey.

I traded my countertop for a new marble one, but now I miss my old one.

It's like they always say, never take anything for granite

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

What did Trump say to China during the Trade War Negotiations?

It's my way, my way or the Huawei.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Takes place during the Great Depression.

A man and his wife were barely scraping by on their combined salaries, but they weren’t making enough to make ends meet. One night, they lay in bed hungry after skipping supper. Now the woman had an idea, but she didn’t think her husband would approve of it. She turned to the man and said,
“Why ...

[OC] Why did the guy take machining classes at the all female trade school?

He wanted to get lathed.

An Indian tracker is teaching his son the family trade

After a day of analyzing prints and tracks, the old man laid his head down on the plain. After a moment, he said “Buffalo come.”

The son excitedly asked “How can you tell? Can you hear the hoof beats?”

“No” he replied. “Ear sticky.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother said it's his lifes ambition to give a hand job to a plumber, an electrician, a carpenter and a builder.

Hes wants to be a jack off all trades

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are off to prison, and they can each bring one item with them

The first mentions his carton of cigarettes. Not only can he smoke it, but he can trade it too.

The second mentions deck of cards. It has always helped him pass the time, and jail is definitely no exception.

The two guys look at the third, who is just quietly staring off into the dista...

All this talk of trade wars...

It’s just Tariffying

Bush Jr., Obama, and Trump are standing before God...

God begins by asking Bush: "George, in what do you believe?"

Bush: "I believe in free trade and the USA as a strong nation".

God, seemingly impressed: "You may sit to my right".

Then God looks at Obama and asks "Barack, in what do you believe?".

Obama: "I believe in democ...

China: "We give up, Donald. What'll it take to end the Trade War?

Trump: "You'll have to move all of your factories to the US."

China: "We can't do that."

Trump: "That's too bad, because it's my way or the Huawei."

I've got the deal already worked out - this Black Friday, I'm getting a new Lexus for my wife

I think she's going to be really surprised - but from my perspective, it's an awesome trade.

I hate people who trade with minerals

They take everything for granite

I got a six pack for my wife....

Best trade I ever made

Currency trading

I used to trade currency. this asian guy came in and wanted to exchange 10,000yen - I gave him $120.

a week later he came in with another 10,000yen - I gave him $105.

a week after that he came in with another 10,000yen - I gave him $135.

the guy said to me in an annoyed voice...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

Can anyone trade me a wheelchair?

I offer a crushed motorbike

A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some “magic” beans.

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”

“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.

“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually ...

I have the best girlfriend i would not trade for anything on earth

but NASA was having this sale on moon rocks at the gift-shop

I am trying to get a new car for my wife...



...it'll be a great trade.

What do you call an alligator that solves crimes and day trades on the side?

An Investigator

A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."

Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.

Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and...

A blonde is driving down the highway

She is applying make-up in her rear view mirror. Her car drifts into the next lane and trades paint with a pickup truck. They pull off to the side of the road, the driver of the pickup truck gets out and he’s fuming. He asks the blonde if she has insurance and she just stares at him blankly... So he...

I was hungry and low on potassium, He needed a device to help him weigh things, it seemed like a fair trade...

Banana for scale

My friend traded a sausage for a seabird.

He's taken a tern for the wurst.

I took my old countertop to a swap meet.

After remodeling my kitchen, I had no use for it and was looking for a trade. It wasn't very long before I was approached by a young couple.

"Wow, that countertop is gorgeous!" says the guy. "I must have it. I will trade you my girlfriend."

His girlfriend was stunning. "Are you sur...

A sailor has just signed up to join a Transatlantic trade crew for their latest voyage...

The rest of the crew have worked together for years, so he's the only newbie. Initially, it seems to be a pretty ordinary job.

However, after the initial work of loading the ship and leaving the harbor was done, he noticed something weird.

During lunch or dinner, whenever most of the c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man enters a butcher's shop

The man wants to buy some spread sausage: "Good morning, can I get some from the coarse and thick one, please?"

Butcher: "I'm sorry, but she's at trade school today."

Hitting a deer with your car is always an unfair trade.

You're out the cost of the insurance deductible, but nature is only out a buck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The say your last name speaks to your ancestor’s trade or status or of their nature. I put some stock in that so that’s why...

I never let my son play with the Dickinson family next door.

Oh my god I'm in trouble I just sold my soul to satan.

No problem, I just bought 2 atheists souls for a dollar each and traded them for mine.

What's the #1 rule of the spice trade?

Thyme is money.

New mower!

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I knew a lady whose idea of community service was giving handjobs to blue collar workers.

She was a jack off all trades.

The University of Kansas football program just traded in all their company vehicles for new ones...

They wanted Les Miles

What do you call the ant in the colony who trades with other ant colonies for resources?

Import-ant

I've known Paul for years

He's always been such a nice guy. In middle school, our teachers would always ask if he finished his homework. Paul would hold up his homework and say yes. During lunch, kids would always ask if they could sit with him, and Paul would say yes. A kid would ask if he's trade his pudding cup for an app...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 450 BC a Greek and a Roman are sitting around, discussing who has more reason to be proud of their heritage

Roman: We are clearly the superior society, after all, we invented aqueducts so cities and fields alike could grow

Greek: Perhaps, but we invented the water mill for grinding abundant grain, so that it could be stored and feed the people. Plus, we developed cartography, mapping out the world....

A king was visiting the training grounds with his swordmaster

A king was visiting the training grounds with his swordmaster.

There was a crowd watching two fencers trade blows.

The first fencer performed an attack and the crowd gasped.

The king, who isn't into the sport, asked his swordmaster about the move.

"That's what you'd call ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a little bit of every kink.

I'm a jerk-of-all trades.

Ed Smith was a famous but rude ore trader in the area.

ED SMITH'S SHOP.

It was one of the biggest landmarks in the town. You could just look at that big metal sign and see how proud the man was of his trade.

No matter how good a businessman he was, Ed's arrogant behavior was loathed by pretty much everyone. He was too proud of his riches, ...

I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...

...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common?

Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.

I knew this chick who would give handjobs to anyone, regardless of their profession.

Jacks off all trades.

Why did Gary trade all of his possessions for water?

He wanted to liquidate his assets

Why were the people in the World Trade Center mad on 9/11 ?

Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and all they got was plane.

The Geography of a Woman

The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is li...

I got a bottle of wine for my mother-in-law

It was a great trade.

I would trade my legs for 5 million dollars

But I don't think it would be worth it in the long run

I'm still treating my burn

Older Englishman and I like to trade insults at work, and this happened...

Him: Oh dear, was having a good day and you show up.

Me: Don't make me start another Revolution to kick the rest of the English out.

Him (instantly): Well, you've been revolting for years.

I was at the doctor's today and I learned I have Bartter Syndrome...

Wondering if anyone wants to trade?



(Yes that's a true syndrome, and come on, you knew the punchline before you read it).



[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bartter\_syndrome](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bartter_syndrome)

I HAVE FOUND A MASSIVE LOOPHOLE IN AVENGERS: ENDGAME

How are HE and BW able to receive the soulstone when a soul must traded for it?

Since you know.... BW is a ginger and all :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tub...

My neighbor traded in his KIA yesterday.

Sold his Soul for a Mustang.

It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and...

They say that Indian Cooks are a jack of all trades...

But a master of naan.

My girlfriend said this to me when we were getting indian food tonight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tells his best friend (NSFW)

"my wife isn't able to cum, she tells me that she get too hot and just can't get there.."

"how about I come over and Waff a wet towel around, while you two are going at it to cool her off" offers the friend

The husband agrees and the next time the couple go at it, the friend comes over...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man named Ivan, born and raised in the Soviet Union.

From the moment he was born, he lived in oppression and poverty. His rations were meager, his work in the coal mines hard. But one day, he gets a ray of hope, solace from his hardships, when, as he’s driving his Lada from his home to the local coal mine, he sees a sign.

“Swimming Lessons: Imp...

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