I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

I made a mistake at the grocery store.

I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...

"Have you any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That’ll do, I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn’t have any."
"Any what?"
"Yes please!"

A man walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk if he's got any helicopter flavored potato chips.

The clerk's replies, no, sorry, we're all out...

But, I've got plane.

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A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

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A man was arrested for dipping his testicles into glitter at the craft store.

It was pretty nuts.

I walk into a pet store

I say "can i have 12 bees"


The guy working gave me 13.

I responded "you gave me one too many"

He responded "the 13th one is a freebie

What's President Trump's favorite store to shop at?

Wall-mart

An old man and a young man bump into each other at the grocery store

They each say excuse me and the young man says "I'm sorry I bumped into you, it's just that I'm looking for my wife. I lost her somewhere in another asile."

The old man says I am also looking for my wife. Let's help each other. Tell me what does your wife look like?

The young man repli...

A man walks out of a convenience store

A woman carrying an infant walks up to him.

"Could you spare some money sir, my child hasn't eaten in two days!"

The man replied, "Three days actually."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you remember? You've told me this yesterday as well."

Dear Reddit, I met this girl in a shoe store.

I think we might be sole mates.

(11/9 free joke) A furniture store keeps calling me.

All I wanted was one night stand.

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I just smashed a jar of mayo in the store

Fuckin Hellmann ...

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant. "Which Barbie? responds the worker.

"We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"...

If you see a robbery at an Apple store...

Does that make you an iWitness?

What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?

Billie jeans

Where do pirates buy their hooks?

At a second hand store.

I got kicked out of the Apple store for farting

It’s not my fault they didn’t have Windows

Where in the fridge do you store your genetic experiments?

In the CRISPR drawer.

Types of deodorant

I went to store and asked for some deodorant.

The cashier asked "Do you want the roll on ball type?"

I said "No thanks, I want it for under my arms."

A guy goes to the pet store to purchase 12 bees.

The clerk goes and get the bees and comes back. The guy is counting his bees and says,

"Wait, there are 13 bees in here!"

The clerk responds,

"Oh were having a special, that one is a freebee"

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

A wife asks her programmer husband "can you go to the store and get a carton of milk. If they have avacados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...



The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives...

There was a huge fight at the boat store.

Paddles were on clearance for 90% off, and people went crazy trying to get them.

It was quite an oar deal.

A duck waddled into a country grocery store and asked the clerk; "Do you sell duck food?".

"Of course not," replied the clerk, "We sell groceries to humans, not ducks."

The next day, the duck returned and asked again, "Do you sell duck food?"

Annoyed, the clerk snapped, "No! No duck food!"

When the duck returned the next day and posed the same question, the clerk thre...

In the 1990's, you could go into any store with just a dollar and get a soda, a bag of chips, and a candy bar. Now you can't. Why?

Because there's cameras everywhere now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the convenience store..

.. he picks up two apples, a toothbrush, a bag of birdseeds, a bottle of wine, and large pack of batteries.

When it’s his turn to pay at the cash register, the cute female cashier looks shortly at the mans purchases and then has a glance at the man. She then says: “ah... you must be single”. ...

Little Johnny went to the store with his grandma

On their way there, little Johnny saw a pretty postcard lying on the ground. He was about to reach for it, when his grandma stopped him and said,

"Don't pick up trash from the ground"

In the store little Johnny saw a sparkly candywrapper on the ground. He again was about to grab it, wh...

People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.

But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.

The price is 25 cents per condom, so he buys 4. When he checks out, the pharmacist says, "That will be $1.08."

In confusion the guy says, "Wait, they're 25 cents each so it should be a dollar, so why the additional 8 cents?"

The pharmacist says, "Well, it’s a dollar for the condom...

I have a hat that renders my legs useless so I can park closer to the store.

It's a handy cap.

What would be a funny store to open next to forever 21?

Finally 22

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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind
the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking
a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men
walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curio...

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[NSFW] A woman's first time at a sex toy store

Woman: Hello, where are the women's toys?
Cashier: Over on that wall.
W: Ok, can I get the red one?
C: You can't have the fire extinguisher.

One day, a guy went into a store,

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing. He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.


The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him. ...

Why does the cashier at the grocery store always ask if you want paper or plastic?

...because baggers can't be choosers.

I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).

Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans,...

A man walks into a gun store

He walks up to the clerk and asks him to see the biggest gun they have.

"Well what are you shooting?" The clerk asked

"Cans"

"What the hell kind of cans are you shooting?"

"All sorts of cans! Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans!"

What’s the most expensive item at the dollar store?

The condoms.

A bee keeper walks into a pet store

He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident.

He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.”

The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"

If the average human can walk about 3 mph, and my local corner store is a 1/4 mile away

Why has it taken my dad 15 years to get a pack of cigarettes?

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Woman searching for a husband

A woman goes to the husband store. The store owner tells her each floor has better quality men, but once she leaves a floor she can not return. On the first floor are nice, cute men. "I can do better" she thinks to herself. She goes to the second floor. There she finds nice, cute men with high payin...

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Blonde approaches the customer service counter at a grocery store...

“How can I help you miss?” Says the man behind the counter. “I need to get 80 gallons of milk please”, she replies. “Excuse me?” Says the man “why would you need all that milk for?” . “Well you see, its a beauty tip. You bathe in milk for an hour and your skin appears 10 years younger”, she sa...

I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me "Do you need help?"

I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"

A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store!

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

Whenever I give my seat on the bus to an elderly person, they're as happy as a kid in a candy store...

I do the same in the men's bathroom and they hobble away as fast as they can.

A housewife buys a parrot from a pet store

At the counter, the cashier warns her that the parrot used to live in a brothel and picked up a lot of the language they used.

She takes the parrot back to her house and puts him in a cage. The bird looks around and says "New madame, new house." She's a little surprised, but likes it nonethel...

I dared to ask my wife why she’s buying a giant tub of Whiteout from the store.

Big mistake.

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A woman is walking out of the store after grocery shopping...

The bag boy offers to help her to her car with the many bags she has. As they're walking through the parking lot, she drops a bag and a tube of Vagisil falls out. Embarrassed and red-faced, she explains "Um...I have an itchy coochee..."

The bag boy says "Look lady, you'll have to point your c...

Man goes into a hardware store for hooks.

He tells the kid working there his wife wants a dozen little gold hooks to hang jewelry. The kid looks and comes back saying, we don't have gold ones but we do have silver ones, they'll work just as good.
To which the man looks at the kid and says, "you aren't married are you?"

The tailor at the tuxedo store kept hovering over me, so I told him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

A man went to a toy store

He asks an employee: "I need a Barbie for my daughter, how much is that one?"

Employee: "That's 'Barbie and Ken take a roadtrip honeymoon', it costs 200 and Ken and his car are included."

Customer: "That's a bit high, what about that one, it's only Barbie without Ken."

Employee:...

What do you call a Security Guards at a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

What do you call a person who robs a drug store?

A pillager

A man's wife sent him to the store. "Get a gallon of milk and if they have avacodos, get six."

The man returns with six gallons of milk.

"Why did you get six gallons of milk?"

"They had avacodos."

A man is in a store buying condoms,

**Cashier:** That will be $3.99 please sir, would you like a bag?

**Man:** No thanks shes actually quite pretty,

A man and his wife walk into a tile and flooring store.

They both go to the front desk, the wife following behind her husband while looking extremely distraught. “How can I help you?” The contractor asked

“I came in to see if I could get some new counter tops.” Says the man who tugs his wife closer to the desk with a stern look on his face.
<...

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

How much is bubble wrap at the store?

€1 a pop

I’ll see myself out ;)

One day, I decided to visit my local comic book store...

It ended up having issues.

If you want to open a store, I recommend selling stoves

You'll immediately offer a range of hot products

A blind man walks into a department store with his seeing-eye dog.

He walks to the middle of the store, bends down and firmly grasps the dog's collar, then yanks the dog into the air and starts whipping it around it in circles above his head.

A salesperson sees this happening and runs over to the blind man.

"Sir! Sir! Is there something I can help y...

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to buy. [Long]

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to she wants to buy. She goes to the only cashier (who is also the manager of the place) and tells him:

"How much is this hair dryer?"

The cashier replies: "This is not for sale".

The blonde returns the item and leaves. Next da...

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“Back in the day,” my grandfather would say, “You could go into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and some butter as well....”

"But today, they got cameras everywhere!"

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

I went to the boomerang store the other day

They have a great return policy

Two snails talk to each other. After some time one of them says:"I'm going to the grocery store, should I bring you something?"

the other one says: "Yes, please, I would like an ice cream"


The snail makes his way to the store, he returns after two days and says: " Sorry I forgot to ask you which flavour you want."

Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...

Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself

I saw a lady in tears at the store

She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot.
#payitforward

I was relieved when I stopped at a tire service store

It really is the best place to take a leak.

What does a person buy with two left feet in the shoe store?

Flip-Flips

Why did the clock store go out of business?

They had terrible hours.

I went to a grocery store and a sign said "no food or drink"

So I went home

My mistress and I ran into my wife at the hardware store...

She kicked me in Menards.

There is a sale on at the boat store.

It's quite the oar deal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a store and

Asked a employee for 3 pairs of underwear.
The employee askes "Only 3 pairs?"
The guy answers "Yes I only need a pair each Monday, Wednesday and Friday"
The guy leaves the store

Another guy walks into the store and asked the employee for 5 pairs of underwear.
The employee says "5 ...

A man comes home from the grocery store with a 12 pack of Coca Cola and throws a can at his friend.

Friend: What the hell?! What was that for?!

Man: Relax, it was only a soft drink.

Two guys go to a toy store

Guy 1: Whats this?
Guy 2: Thats a puzzle, you break it and try to put it back together
Guy 1: Oh! I already have a puzzle, it's my relationship with my wife

Why do they sell booze at the hardware store?

Because nothing is better than alcohol at demolishing a home.

A man walks into a pet store...

A man walks into a pet store and sees three parrots, two of which are awake and alert and the third has his head tucked under his wing, asleep. Interested, the man questions an employee. "What can you tell me about these parrots? How much do they cost?"

"The first one is called Peter, and he ...

I'm thinking about opening a clothing store. Half the store will carry only traditional, colorful women's gowns from India, and the other half will carry everything else.

I'm going to call it Sari/Not-Sari.

Little Billy's mom took him to the grocery store.

In the middle of the cereal aisle little Billy yelled out "Mom I have to PEE!"

All the other women smirked and looked judgementally at Billy's mom as her face turned red as a tomato. She pulled her son close.

"Listen little Billy, I never want you to say that again. Next time you need ...

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A condom company hosts a fitting at a local grocery store...

and a hot blonde is there to measure penises and tell the guy what size he needs. One guy walks up and she says “Drop your pants.” She measures him and says “You need size extra large.” Another guy walks up, pulls down his pants and says, “You need size extra small.”

In the next aisle over, a...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

I was in a store doing looking at some stationary set

Suddenly I had an urge to let out a lot of gas. Thankfully the store was playing rock music very loudly. So I timed my farts according to the beat of the music. There was no way anyone could have heard me.
When I was done, I looked around and saw all the customers heads were turned to me.
...

A music store was robbed last week...

The thieves made off with the lute.

A woman goes to the store to buy a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk. The cashier guesses that she is single and she is shocked. She asks how he knew

He said it's because she's ugly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[At the chameleon store]

Me: Do you have any chameleons?


Clerk: I have no fucking idea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to a pet store and sees a parrot without any feet

He asks the parrot: 'How do you manage to stay on your stick without any feet?'

The parrot answers: 'I actually balance on the stick using my penis. By the way, I am for sale, if you are interested.'

The guy answers: 'A talking parrot who understands me for such a low price? Sold!'
...

My wife told me to add ketchup to the shopping list before I went to the store

I don't know why since now I can't read what it says

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seate...

A woman walks into a hardware store and asks if she could get a screw for a shelf.

The employee says no, but you can blow me for one.

I went to the hunting store to buy some camouflage clothing...

But I didn't see anything that I liked.

How to get into any bank/store etc without getting arrested with this one simple trick

Walk through the front door during business hours.

Did you hear about the failed robbery on the liquor store?

They are still looking for the guy, apparently he got away scotch-free.

What do you call a shop that doesn’t sell anything? A store

Because they only store the item

The pet store

This man who lives in a rural area and so he drives to this very far pet store and asks to buy a can of dog food, the employee says “sorry but you must have a dog to order the dog food, we have had homeless people come to our store to eat the dog food. So the man says “you want me to go drive back t...

I was headed to the store..

one day and I asked my wife if she needed anything. She said to pick up something for pancakes so I brought her a pushup bra.

Did you hear about the guy who stole $10,000 worth of textbooks from the University book store?

They made him return both of them.

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

My boss at the trampoline store just got fired...

They found out he was paying us with bounced checks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where do the senior army officials buy stuff? A: The General store

Why are the young recruits sexually active? A: They have Private parts

Why did the Australian get kicked out the toy store?

For throwing shrimp on the Barbie

Obsolete joke; I went into the video store the other day, I asked if I could rent Batman Forever?

They said “No! But you can have it for three nights!”

I went to the paint store to ask for a shade

But the guy claimed no such shade existed. It must have been a pigment of my imagination.

A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart.

As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, “Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go—don’t throw a fit. It won’t be long.” In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says,

“There, there, Missy, don’t cry. Two more aisle...

What’s a Russians favorite book store?

Barnes & Chernobyl

I went to the grocery store to buy oil. Couldn't find it. So

i inVaDed IraQ

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