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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

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A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

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Woman searching for a husband

A woman goes to the husband store. The store owner tells her each floor has better quality men, but once she leaves a floor she can not return. On the first floor are nice, cute men. "I can do better" she thinks to herself. She goes to the second floor. There she finds nice, cute men with high payin...

A bee keeper walks into a pet store

He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident.

He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.”

The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"

The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

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A lady went to the store to buy a parrot.

and asks the salesman, “What’s so special about the parrot?”

Salesman, “this parrot can talk.”

So the lady asks the parrot, “how do I look?”

The parrot replies, “you look like a fucking slut.”

The lady gets pissed off and tells the salesman that its a very rude parrot and...

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

I went to the liquor store and the sales person asked if I needed help

I said: "Yeah but I came here instead"

I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me "Do you need help?"

I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"

I went to a grocery store and a sign said "no food or drink"

So I went home

Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...

Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself

A man saw a robbery at an apple store

He was an iWitness

Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book.

Now, they've got cameras

I saw a lady in tears at the store

She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot.
#payitforward

If the average human can walk about 3 mph, and my local corner store is a 1/4 mile away

Why has it taken my dad 15 years to get a pack of cigarettes?

Bought some condoms at the store today, cashier asked if I wanted a bag.

I said “no thanks, she’s actually quite pretty”.

A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

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An elderly woman goes to a pet store...

...after losing her husband. She wants to get a pet to help with her loneliness and decides to buy a parrot. When she gets the parrot home she tries talking to it.

“So, how do you like your new home?” She asks.

“Fuck you, bitch” responds the parrot.

The woman is disgusted by ...

A woman goes to the store to buy a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk. The cashier guesses that she is single and she is shocked. She asks how he knew

He said it's because she's ugly

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A condom company hosts a fitting at a local grocery store...

and a hot blonde is there to measure penises and tell the guy what size he needs. One guy walks up and she says “Drop your pants.” She measures him and says “You need size extra large.” Another guy walks up, pulls down his pants and says, “You need size extra small.”

In the next aisle over, a...

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

My wife told me to add ketchup to the shopping list before I went to the store

I don't know why since now I can't read what it says

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A woman walks into a pet store.

After her two daughters moved out some months ago, she thought of having a pet around the house.

As she looks around the store, she finds a parrot sitting on a perch. Attached to the perch is a sign that says: "Special offer! Talking parrot, only 10$".

Wondering about the low price s...

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A guy goes to a pet store and sees a parrot without any feet

He asks the parrot: 'How do you manage to stay on your stick without any feet?'

The parrot answers: 'I actually balance on the stick using my penis. By the way, I am for sale, if you are interested.'

The guy answers: 'A talking parrot who understands me for such a low price? Sold!'
...

I went to the hunting store to buy some camouflage clothing...

But I didn't see anything that I liked.

Did you hear about the failed robbery on the liquor store?

They are still looking for the guy, apparently he got away scotch-free.

A woman walks into a hardware store and asks if she could get a screw for a shelf.

The employee says no, but you can blow me for one.

Why do they sell booze at the hardware store?

Because nothing is better than alcohol at demolishing a home.

I was headed to the store..

one day and I asked my wife if she needed anything. She said to pick up something for pancakes so I brought her a pushup bra.

How to get into any bank/store etc without getting arrested with this one simple trick

Walk through the front door during business hours.

My boss at the trampoline store just got fired...

They found out he was paying us with bounced checks.

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Where do the senior army officials buy stuff? A: The General store

Why are the young recruits sexually active? A: They have Private parts

Back in the days, I used to go to the store with 1 dollar and come back with 2 chocolate bars

But nowadays they have cameras

I went to the paint store to ask for a shade

But the guy claimed no such shade existed. It must have been a pigment of my imagination.

Why don’t you fart in an apple store?

Because they don’t have windows

Why did the Australian get kicked out the toy store?

For throwing shrimp on the Barbie

I went to the grocery store to buy oil. Couldn't find it. So

i inVaDed IraQ

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

Did you hear about the guy who stole $10,000 worth of textbooks from the University book store?

They made him return both of them.

I robbed a swimming pool supply store last night.

I need to lilo for a while.

Obsolete joke; I went into the video store the other day, I asked if I could rent Batman Forever?

They said “No! But you can have it for three nights!”

Why did the thief Rob a mushroom store?

Because he had no morels.

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[At the chameleon store]

Me: Do you have any chameleons?


Clerk: I have no fucking idea

A Man Walks into a Beer Store

A man walks into a beer store to buy a case of beer. He goes up to the guy at the register and says;

"Id like a case of beer, please."

"What kind of beer?" Asks the guy at the register.

"Any kind but Schlitz." Says the customer.

"Why not Schlitz?" The guy at the regist...

I tripped at a store and knocked over some pickled items.

An employee asked if I was ok.

I said that olive.

What’s a Russians favorite book store?

Barnes & Chernobyl

An alternate name for the lingerie store?

Gift wrapping station.

Everything was half off at a retail store

It really cheapened the experience.

A man walks into a hunting store

One day a man walked into a sporting goods store looking to buy a rifle. The man had never been hunting before and asked the clerk if he could recommend a rifle.

"Oh yes," the clerk said. "I'm not a very good shot but I've done quite a lot of hunting in my day, even did some big game hunting...

My store in Ireland is doing fantastic

Profits are always Dublin.

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Police have reported a man going into craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter

It's pretty nuts

Every time I walk down the gadget aisle at my local home improvement store,

The stud finders go berserk.

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A very old man, who barely sticks with a cane, goes into a pharmacy store...

He asks the woman behind the counter:

"Can you give me half viagra?"

She answers very indignantly :

"How you dare, can't you see what you look like!? What Viagra? See your years! Isn't it uncomfortable?"

"It's not for sex, dear! Just give me enough, so I won't piss on my ...

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel.

She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says , "Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on ...

Two men were standing around and taking a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, and didn't even have the shelves set up.

A curious old man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
“Vat ya sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling idiots."

*Without skipping a beat, t...

Went to the store today

and this guy was standing near the front door with a cup in his hand. As I passed him he said,'' Any change?''. I said no, I still have a job, a nice house and plenty of money.

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When I was a kid, my mother used to send me down to the general store with a dollar. I’d come back with two loaves of bread, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk

You can’t do that any more, there are too many security cameras

Fed up with with the prices at the grocery store, a housewife finds the nearest employee and screams " YOU CAN TAKE THIS $12 PINEAPPLE, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The grocery clerk said "I'm sorry Ma'am but I can't. I already have an $18 chicken, a $6 gallon of milk, and 3 avocados up there"

A man goes into a pet store

In the pet store he asks for something interesting, and the worker brings out a dog

“I don’t want a dog, I want something interesting.” Says the man.

So the worker goes in the back of the store and comes back to the man with a snake.

The man says, “This is interesting, but I wan...

A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle

A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle. The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one. But if he wants to, he can take the cat, which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm.
The man agrees and goes home with the cat.

The next day the man goes back to st...

A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart.

As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, “Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go—don’t throw a fit. It won’t be long.” In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says,

“There, there, Missy, don’t cry. Two more aisle...

A man and his clothing store

A long time ago there was a man who sold secondhand women's clothing at a small shop on the main road of a small town.
Now, this man, Theodore, had one joy in life: Arranging the mannequins in a way that made each garment look it's best, and placing them in the front window.
As he had gotten ...

Wade walks into a drug store

Once in there, he asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and
her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him.

Wade said that it was something that he would be much...

A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The same...

There's only one candle store I won't steal from.

John's Wicks

"Honey, why didn't you just go buy a chainsaw at the store?"

"These chainsaws cost an arm and a leg! This one is going to cost only a few fingers!"

What do Snack companies and Hiking Stores have in common?

They both sell you air.

A group of theives are going to retail stores and are stealing clothes by sizes

Police say they are still at large.

After a burglary a store owner calls the police

After a burglary a store owner calls the police. After they arrive one officer takes the owner aside to ask about what happened:

"How tall was the perp'", the officer asked.
"He was about six foot", the owner replied.

"Did he have any distinguishing characteristics?"
"Well, he di...

What do you call 69 people waiting in line at an Apple store?

iQueue below 70

A man went to a store called “Hooker Furniture”

He walked up to the desk and said “ I would like to purchase one night stand”.

A normal day at the Apple store

Me: *Walks into an Apple store.*

Apple employee: Hi, what would you like today?

Me: I got $1000 to buy anything I want.

AE: Then our iPhone XS will be perfect! You can have the power of a computer right in your pocket. You can call, text, browse, play games, and so much more!...

I found 100 bucks outside a liquor store

At first I thought I should just leave it hoping the owner would find it. Then I thought "What would Jesus do?". So I went into the store and turned it into wine.

If you want to open a store, I'd recommend selling stoves

Because you'll immediately offer a range of hot products.

A farmer walks into a hardware store...

...and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, st...

Walked into a hardware store and a customer service rep asked me if I needed decking...

Luckily I got the first punch in.

Did you hear about the customer outrage when the grocery store ran out of tea?

There was a steep demand.

Went to the store today and they had a special on.....

He was collecting the trolleys

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced ...

A man owns an elections store

One day, another electronics store opens up beside him with a massive sign proclaiming "Best deals"

In the afternoon of the same day another electronics store opens up on the other side with a ginormous sign claiming "lowest prices"

The man is worried until he has a brilliant idea. The...

Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.

Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...

2 men walked into a convenience store.

Man 1: I am a very good thief! I stole 3 chocolate bars and hid them inside my hat!

Man 2: I am way better that you. Watch and learn.
Man 2 walks to the cashier and offered to show him a magic trick.
He takes out 3 chocolate bars from the store and ate them in front of the cashier.
T...

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

Why did the owner of the liquor store love thieves?

They always lifted his spirits

A thirsty man walks into a store...

He fancies a glass of wine, an older redheaded woman approaches him.

"Hello sir, how may I serve you?"

"I'm interested in a lean red with a delicate body and nice legs, something French might be nice."

The woman smiles, "Certainly sir, follow me and I'll see what I have in store...

A woman walks into a hardware store and asks the shopkeeper if he'd like to have a one-night stand.

He gives her the nuts and bolts.

I sued a department store for selling me a broken coffee grinder.

I lost the case; the courts told me I had no grounds.

A guy walks into a Pet Store on Christmas Eve.

He doesn't have a whole lot of time to spare before the stores close and figures that a pet would be a perfect gift. The salesman approaches him.

"Hello, how can I help you today?" The salesman asks.

"I'm looking for a gift for my wife, but I don't know what to get her," the man repl...

I remember back in the day I use to go to the store with $2 and come back with 2 bags of chips, 3 candy bars, a pack of starbursts, and a soda...

But nowadays they have cameras everywhere

A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store.

He’s arrested and put in county jail.

The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell.

About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father,” the ar...

Man in a wheelchair at the beer store

I was buying beer and there was this older southern gentleman in a wheelchair was looking at beer too. I said if he needed help grabbing anything to let me know and I'd help. In a slow long southern draw he said:

"I appreciate cha... I'm just shopping for my son... He really likes these craf...

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray

"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.

"No, it kills them."

A Psychic is buying clothes in a store.....



**Employee:** How about this shirt?

**Psychic:** That shirt is too small.

**Employee:** How can you know! You didn't even try it on!

**Psychic:** I'm a medium.

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

I got a good price on frozen treats at my local grocery store

So you can bet I’ll be eating Aldi ice cream

What do you call a security guard that’s works at a Samsung store?

A guardian of the galaxy.

When I was a boy, mum would send me down to the store with $5

I'd come back with a sack of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 liters of milk, 2 kilos of flour plain and self-raising AND have a pocket full of candy. You can't do that anymore. These days there are too many security cameras.

A blonde was shopping at her local department store.

She came across a thermos and was fascinated by it.She decided to buy it.When she took it up to the cashier she inquired what it was used for.
"Well it's used to keep hot things hot and cold things cold."She brought it to work the next day.The boss walks past her desk and asks"What's that?"
"I...

One arm man walks to the store and ask

Is this second hand shop?

I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

The cashier said : “hardback?”

I said: “yeah and little heads”

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
...

A guy walks into an auto parts store and says "I need a gas cap for m Chevy."

The guy behind the counter thinks for a second and says "OK, that sounds like a fair trade."

What do you call it when your are tracking an animal in a thrift store

Good Will Hunting

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A programmers wife asked him to run to the store

She said "go to the store and get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs get a dozen"

He came back with a loaf of bread and a dozen eggs because he's not a retard and can recognize what she means.

I went to the store to get six sprite

It was only when I got home that I realized that I picked seven up.

A thief walks into an electronic store and grabs a T.V

Owner of the store screams, “Acts 2:38!”

The thief then stays still and doesn’t move.

Police then come in and thief is handcuffed.

Police: “Why didn’t you run? The owner is just an old lady”

Thief: “She said she had an Axe and two .38’s”

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen tim...

Which store do the Kardashians put most of their time and energy into?

Photoshop

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde did not know how the sale...

A man walks up to the store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or...

A terrorist walks into a store

"How much for this bomb?" he asks.

"$500", said the clerk.

"Will you take $450?" asks the terrorist.

"I'm sorry sir," replies the clerk, "We don't negotiate with terrorists."

Why did Jon Snow go to the Apple Store?

For the Watch.

Why did a bladesmith walk into a lingerie store?

Because he had heard that there was a sale on designer tongs.

Johnny asks his very cheap dad for $20 to go to the store.

His dad says "$15? What the hell do you need $10 for? Fine, here's the $5, being me change.

A little boy excitedly rushes into a candy store that sold some unusual goods...

Inside he meets the owner who takes him around the store and shows him all of the products. There were lots of different ones, candy shaped like a dog biscuit, the grass a cow would eat, the worms a bird would eat and even one that looked like a T-bone steak!

The boy is awe-struck and can’t ...

Did you hear about the ant who stored his food inside a keyboard?

He's got everything under CTRL

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nazi was in a grocery store...

...when the juice carton he was looking at abruptly exploded and sprayed all over his body.

"Damn juice!"

A wealthy dude walks into a pet store for people with fat wallets.

He explains that he's looking for a birthday present to his friend. And his friend happen to like birds, so he needs a parrot, a talented one of course.



Store owner says that he's got just a thing and takes him over to a huge stand with three exotic parrots.



"These bird...

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