The 132+ Best Spend Jokes

Got fired from Rolex after spending the last few months developing a 50-hour watch for them.

They really did not appreciate the extra hours I put in

My dad always says, “Don’t spend too much money on expensive headphones.”

That’s….sound advice.

What did Qatar get after spending billions of dollars to stop LGBTQ+ actions in FIFA 2022?

Half naked Argentinian Men Hugging and kissing each other in the end.

Devil: This is the lake of lava you will be spending eternity in

Me: Actually, since we're underground, it would be magma

Devil: You understand this is why you're here, right?

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I ...

Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?

Asking for a friend.

A guy is spending his first night in prison

He hears someone in another cell shout out "37!" and the whole cell block bursts out laughing.

Another guy shouts out "74!" Same thing.

"46!" and everyone loses their minds.

He asks his cellmate "What's going on? Why are the numbers so funny?"

"Well we've all been here so...

After several visits to the doctor's I've finally been referred to rehab for spending all my days smoking drugs and looking up jokes about cheese.

Hopefully I can kick my addiction to meth and feta memes.

Just before breaking up with them, I would treat all my exes to mani-pedis, massages, and give them some spending money.

Father always taught me to leave stuff in better condition than how I found it.

The Mrs. says I’m spending too much time browsing Reddit and not enough with her.

Guess I gotta work on my lurk-wife balance.

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

A fellow from the Midwest has to spend Christmas in the deep South.

He's there on business, and he misses the snow. He tries to cheer himself up by walking around looking at a Christmas crèche ( a tableau representing the Nativity scene ). He's shocked to see that the three wise men are dressed as firemen, in hats and boots and slickers. He asks a passerby why in th...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

My wife said she wants to spend more time with me after I come home from work

Now I work from home so I never come home from work.

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason and sentenced to death by guillotine.

The priest reads them their last rites, then the king orders the executioner to kill the physicist.

The executioner offers the physicist two choices: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be executed face up or face down. The physicist replies, "I spent my whole life studying t...

A minister asked me, "Why do we spend hours on the internet but only minutes on our knees?"

I said "Golly!, reverend Keller, my boyfriend can't last that long.

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Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

After spending hours going over stories from people who got lost in the wild and reading survival guides and tips for wilderness living, I'm comfortable saying that I know exactly what I'll do if I ever find myself in the middle of a forest, miles from home with nothing but my wits to rely on.

I'll die.

While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” s...

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Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."

The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it ...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

My friend Jason invited me to spend a week with him and his family at their ski lodge.

I wanted to bring gifts. For him, a felt hat. For her felt mittens. For the kids, felt-tipped markers.

I like to make my presents felt.

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill are two employees of a bottled water company. Business hasn't been too good lately, so the boss decides he needs to fire one of them.

The first day, he keeps an eye on Jack.

Jack comes in early, goes straight to his desk and gets to work. He works solidly all through the ...

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The womanizer, the drunk, and the pot head

There was a womanizer, a drunk and a pot head that got into a car accident and died. When they arrived in hell the devil told them "welcome to hell, as a punishment you will have to spend 1000 years in your own personal rooms with punishments specific to your sins and if you learn your lesson you ge...

After spending twenty two years surrounded by criminals, I finally saw the light of day again.

I'm so glad I left my job at the sporting organisation.

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A priest and a rabbi are spending a day off together at a lake..

Since they're alone, they decide to swim naked as god intended..

Just as they leave the water, two busses pull up, parking right in front of them. Members of the priest's parish pour out of the first bus, members of the rabbi's parish pour out of the other.

In shock, with nowhere to h...

I don't understand how people can spend hours binging netflix

Surely it's the first search result

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Why do restaurants try to spend less on butter?

They have to watch their margarines.

Heavenly Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And alt...

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A priest and a nun are driving home from a seminary...

... when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. It's getting late and so they have to spend the night at an inn. The priest says "I don't think the Lord will mind us sharing a room Sister, I'll take the couch, you can have the bed." She agrees and they go to bed. Later in the middle of the ...

A brunette housewife is chatting with her blonde friend on a Friday afternoon...

Brunette: "My husband came home today with a dozen red roses, that means I'm going to have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air."

Blonde: "What's the matter, don't you have a vase?"

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3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

My wife told me she wanted a divorce for Valentine's Day

I told her I hadn't planned on spending that much.

So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday.

I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

A man walks into a pub, and requests a pint of Guinness

A man walks into a pub, and requests a pint of Guinness only to be told by the bar staff, "I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".

Confused by this he heads a few doors down to another pub and to his astonishment is told the same thing;

"I can't give you a pint of ...

One of the top questions I’ve been asked is “what’s the best way to spend your money when you’re homeless”

And from experience, I can say a mask and knife will work wonders for you.

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It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes,

then die at the end because of their terrible driving.

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This older couple were spending their later years hoping for grandchildren to no avail.

Giving up on their kids, they decided they were going to have their own grandchildren.

Their first step took them to their doctor to see if it was a possibility.

The doctor told them they had to determine the feasibility through a couple of tests.

He gave the grandfather to b...

A man crashes his car next to a monastery...

The monks help him to fix his car but it'll take at least a day, so he's offered to stay for the night in a good warm bed and with good warm food.

During the night, he can hear strange noises coming from the caves, loud enough to wake him up. He asks the nearby monks what those noises are, bu...

A man spends his first night in prison...

Right after lights out, he is surprised to hear someone yell "42!", after which the entire cell block erupts in laughter.

Soon after, another inmate yells "17!", and again there's uproarious laughter and applause.

He asks his cellmate to explain. His cellmate tells him that all th...

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Will I live to be 75

So I went to see my new primary care doctor and he tells me I'm doing 'fairly well' for my age.

I'm like, 'Okay, but am I gonna make it to 75?'

And he's like, 'Well, do you smoke, drink, or do drugs?'

So I'm like, 'No, no, and no.'

Then he goes, 'Do you eat rib-eye stea...

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

There are two reasons I never give money to the homeless. 1 - they are just doing to spend it on drugs and alcohol

2 - I need that money for drugs and alcohol

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Miracle kid

A boy suddenly starts to tell things strange. He says his uncle will die in three days. No one believes him and tells the boy to shut the fuck up. Uncle dies 3 days after. He says his grandpa will die in 3 days. He dies 3 days after, as like before. And one week later, he tells that his father will ...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

As a child, I was so immature. I'd spend any spare change on Hotwheels cars, then crash them and around like an idiot.

But now I've really matured.

I now any spare change on Hotwheels cars, then display them on my shelf

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Not vaccinating your child is like owning a PT Cruiser

You're spending thousands a year on something that'll probably be dead in less than five.

A friend of mine asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine ?

I said, "Ooh, about 15 minutes."

A man goes into a bar and sees a woman

He asks "Would you spend the night with me for $10,000 dollars". The woman says" Yes". The man then asks if she would stay the night for $1.00. Her response is "No, what do you think I am?" The man then says, "We have established what you are and now are negotiating the price".

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting ...

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The depressed clown, Pagliacci, visits a therapist incognito.

He spends the hour talking about his depression. Nothing seems worth it anymore. He can’t smile at all. He has no wife or girlfriend to share his life with. Children’s smiles don’t make him happy anymore. His loving little dog doesn’t make him happy. He is at the end of his rope.

Therapist: “...

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

A Quaint Vermont fishing lodge

An older couple owned a quite fishing lodge with a beautiful lake. They often rented their cabins to fishermen but now and again they had honeymooners stay with them.
A young couple just checked in to their honeymoon suite. And five minutes later the husband was out on the lake in a boat fishing....

Why can't stone workers sleep at night?

They spend all day knapping.

I read that if you're unsure about how much to spend on an engagement ring, a monthly pay check is a good guideline.

So I spent £200 and gave most of the ring to our landlord.

Hey grandpa, do you know that mom said that she will never forgive you because you let me eat a coin and didn't do anything?

She must be nuts if she thinks that I will spend thousands of dollars in a hospital just to get 10 cents back

Why do astronauts on the ISS never spend much time in queues?

Because they weightless.

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Husband and wife go through tough times…

A husband confronts his wife about their financial situation….

Husband: “We’re broke, dear. We need to somehow make money fast…you might have to do some things you’ve never thought you’d have to do…”

The wife nods in agreement. She knows what needs to be done

The next day she go...

How does the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia spend his time?

Staying up all night wondering if there is a dog

Talking dog for sale

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I...

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

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A lonely man adopts a new pet...

A lonely man feeling distant from his wife decides to follow the advice of a coworker and sets out to find a pet to keep himself company.

On the way home from work one day, the man stops by a pet shop. Inside he finds the usual fare, hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish, etc. As he looks around h...

My friend just rented a limo for $2,500, but it didn't come with a driver.

Imagine spending all that money and having nothing to chauffeur it.

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful...

If anyone is spending Christmas alone this year, please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs

A dad and his his 7 year old son

A dad and his so were playing Minecraft one day, and the son asked his dad what should he never do in Minecraft?

The dad answers, go into creative mode because that ruins the game.

He stares his dad dead in the eyes and says, No dad DON’T SPEND YOUR DIAMONDS ON HOES!

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I struggled with winter until I bought a snow blower.

It has made my life a thousand times easier. I load it in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says "What the fuck is that"? and that is where I spend the winter.

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A man going 160 km/h on a highway.

He looks back and sees a police car following him, so he goes 270 km/h.

He thought to himself “I’m too old for this shit”, so he slows down and park on the sideway for the police to come.

The police officer approach and says;

“I’m going off duty to spend the holidays with my fam...

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a newly wed couple decided to spend their honeymoon on a camping trip

it was fucking intense

Two women are chatting at work [short joke]

Two women are chatting at work.

The first woman says, “my husband surprised me with flowers last night. You know what that means, I’m going to have to spend the entire weekend with my legs in the air….”

Her coworker replies, “why don’t you just buy a vase?”

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity, a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he w...

Well, after spending all day worrying about a food shortage at the annual spoonerism contest...

it turns out it was just a lack of pies!

I can't stand reading unoriginal jokes on reddit

Thankfully, I spend most of the day sat down.

They say you can spend christmas with up to 10 people without problems...

But who knows 10 people without problems.

My wife told me I spend too much time on Reddit.

She told me that she’s going to slam my head into the keyboard the next time she catches me on this site.

I told her I’m the King of the Castle. I’m the man. I’m th mdjsinxnsks xnxn an . Kfizkn, xnxk’cj’O&:9m
&:&ndjchsnapn :!.kskn !&/9nmsosk/ raeqbsn

Psychic: I’m sorry to say that you are going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on your education.

Man: How do you know this?

Psychic: Mostly in tuition.

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Friends intervened to get a guy married who was spending way too much time and money on hookers. They set him up with a sweet gal and sure enough love bloomed, bells rang and off they went on their honeymoon.

His buddies jumped on him soon as they got back.
"So how was it? Better than shagging pros right? Come on tell us."
He looked pensive.
"Come on!"
"Well, the sex was great the first night. We pretty much knocked each other out."
"Told ya!"
"But I screwed up. Before nodding off, out ...

Why did the mosquito spend a lot of time playing cards?

Because he had a great poker face.

There once lived a Mr. Wrong

Since he was a wee lad, Mr. Wrong had it tough. He was a bright, brilliant young boy, but to his mother he would never be enough. Worse still, she'd make all sorts of outlandish statements to rub it into him that he would never amount to anything.

Mr. Wrong was tenacious though, as he'd delib...

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A father gives all 3 of his boys $5 to spend at the fair.

The first boy sees a tent that says "$5 for a blow job" so he decides to go in as he is curious what they feel like. The second boy decides to follow his brother to the blowjob tent. The two boys get sucked for about an hour and by the end of it, it's time to go back to their father. The first boy a...

How much did Santa spend on a new sleigh at the store?

Nothing! It was on the house.

A thief stole my wife's credit card

But I didn't report it to the police because he was spending way less than her.

So I increased the credit limit.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange. He says, ‟I'll have a beer, please.”

The bartender says, ‟Excuse me, I could not help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.”

The guy goes, ‟Yeah, had that for a while now.”

So the bartender says, ‟How d...

Two Swedish models, Astrid and Ebba, are at a photoshoot

The photographer takes a few shots, takes a minute to switch to a different lens, spends some time adjusting the camera to the new lens, and then resumes.

After he's repeated this process a few times, Astrid gets visibly frustrated with the continual delays to the shoot. She turns to Ebba and...

Today my girlfriend said she will spend the entire day wearing only a short skirt and a long jacket.

After all, it is my Cake day!

Women are like road maps.

I spend a lot of time looking at them, but they always end up making me confused.

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A man is like a tree. You spend a lifetime building yourself up,

just to be knocked on your ass by a little beaver.

Where do New England gamers spend most of their playtime?

The Maine menu.

Paddy was spending too much time down the pub….

… returning home drunk every night.

Finally, Paddy’s wife decided enough was enough and told him if he ever came home drunk again she would leave him.

The next night, Paddy met up with Seamus at their usual bar. Unfortunately, one thing led to another and by the end of the evening Pa...

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it?

Run for president.

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

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A man went on a trip to France

He didn’t have much money so he decided to stay in a hostel. All night he kept trying to sleep but the sounds of an ambulance coming from the room next door kept him up.

The next night he went to go to sleep and the same thing happened; woken up by ambulance sounds except this time from acro...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician spend the night in the same hotel.

At midnight, the engineer is awakened by the smell of smoke. He takes a step down the hall and sees a small fire. Thinking fast, he dumps his wastebasket, fills it with water, and puts out the flames. Satisfied, he goes back to bed.

Later on, the physicist is also awakened by the smell of sm...

What do you call a queen ant who spends sooo much money to get another ladypart just so she could lay eggs twice as fast?

Extravagant

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Dave

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doing?'' His wif...

What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the north pole and his winters at the south?

a bi-polar bear.

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost,...

Spending time with grandpa got me in trouble.

Well. Today was a nice day until it wasnt.

I got up early and went out to spend some time with my grandfather. I had the greatest idea ever actually! So anyway I stink at writing details so I will get to the point. I was making sand castles with my grandpa and got kicked out by everyone at t...

A traveling salesman stops at the nearest farmhouse and asks if he can spend the night.

The farmer says OK and tells him he can go upstairs and sleep in the same room as his daughter. The salesman goes upstairs and, as he enters the daughter's room, notices another salesman in the bed with her.

"Oh my God!" he proclaims." I must be in the wrong joke!"

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Three prisoners are being transported to the prison where they will spend the rest of their lives. On the way there they have a chat about the things they're taking with them.

The first prisoner says:

- I've got a drawing kit. When I'm behind bars, I want to spend the rest of my life making art.

The second says:

- I've got cards. Now I can play stuff like poker, blackjack or bridge.

The third one says:

- And I've got a box of tampons....

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use once a year.

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My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

Letter to Bob

Dear Bob,

I enjoy your advice column and have a personal question for you.

Recently I noticed my wife has been spending a lot of evenings "out with friends."

Also, I sometimes get phone calls where the caller hangs up as soon as I say "hello."

Last night she went ou...

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A traveling salesman asked a farmer to spend the night.

The farmer agreed, but told him he would have to sleep in the barn.

The farmer, being a nice guy and knowing how horny traveling salesmen get told the man, "Look son, see that wall? It's got three holes in it. You can screw the first two but don't mess around with that third hole.

Go...

I spend the mornings in my rocking chair, and in the afternoon I go out in my wheelchair.

I’ve got a real rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle.

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

An American biker decides to travel the world [ Long]

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

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What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?

A slice of blue cake!!!

What happens after you spend an entire year in reddit?

Literally nothing

Financial Advisor: "I don't quite know how to break this to you but you're basically broke." Wife: "He's always spending money on stupid stuff!"

Me: "Lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid."

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The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

Let me explain

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look...

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"Hey masochist, why do you spend so much time with the sadist?"

"Beats me."

If you had to spend the rest of your (human) lifespan as an invertebrate, which would you be?

Me, a politician.

A man spends his days studying archeology at university, and his nights dreaming of someday finding a girlfriend.

No matter how hard he tried, he could never master the techniques of dating.

Eventually, his professors had to fail him.

Two friends Sam and Terry are spending the day together

As they are walking home down an empty street they find themselves at gunpoint with a mugger asking for their wallets.

As they take out their wallets Sam says "One sec" He takes a 20 out of his wallet and gives it to Terry

"Here's the 20 I owe you"

What did the gamer say when they were told they had to spend the next year inside their home, physically isolated from the rest of the world?

What's the catch?

"Did you just spend all of our money on a dog!?"

We'll be fine, it's a golden retriever.

Golf

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I've played so poorly all...

Peeping Tom decided to spend more time at home . . .

He was trying to maintain a proper lurk/wife balance.

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How do you get to own a company worth a Billion? It's actually quite easy. Just...

...spend 44 Billions to buy one, and then piss off your customers and fire half the staff. That should do it.

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My girlfriend just said that if I don't get off Reddit and spend some time with her she's going to smash my face into the keyboard

I wish that dumb bitch trieljljg bmbmvncbxbxbc nljhkgkgjdhdhd mnm gufugjfhhkdh

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