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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money?

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What a weird day! First I found a hat full of money.

Then I was followed around by some guy with a guitar.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”

​

The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

If someone gave you $500 because "you're ugly" would you take the money?

Of course I would. I'm ugly not stupid.

I gave money to a homeless person today!

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

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A man is deciding between three women, which to be with. He tests them by giving them each $5000 to see what they each do with the money.

The first woman got a complete spa treatment and makeover to make herself look good for the man. The second woman took her $5000 and bought the man gifts, gadgets and trinkets he’d like to make him happy. The third woman invested the money, made a hefty return on it, and paid back the man his $5000....

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!"

The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

If I had a dollar for every time someone said money isn't that important

I'd eventually agree

I refuse to give any of my money to the homeless for two reasons. 1) They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

2) I need it for drugs and alcohol.

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Pornhub is now donating money to bee preservation for every video you watch on their new site...

I guess I’m gonna go single-handedly save the bees!

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An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The pres...

I'm working on a rap song about Drugs and Money

It's called "I can't afford that insulin"

I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"G...

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

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One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

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My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, ...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money...

He asks the bartender what that's all about. The bartender replies, "20 bucks and you're in. The first person to chug this entire bottle of vodka and eat the worm at the bottom, then in the back there's a mean rottweiler with a sore tooth you gotta pull it's tooth. After that there's a 90 year old w...

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An office manager had money problems and had to fire one of two employees, either Jack or Jill.

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see wh...

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike?

“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.” “Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.” “That is the truth,” the boy replied.

“Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom.
He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

If my grandmother found out how much money i spent on her funeral...

...she'd be spinning in her ditch.

A Co-worker approached me and asked if I wanted to make some money on the side with him. I thought it was a good idea, until he took me back to see his printing press.

I mean, seriously - this thing was a mess and his ink was all wrong.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

​

So the man a...

I saw avengers endgame today, I want my money back.

The last 20 minutes were blurry as hell.

So I came across a large sum of money recently

Now it's all sticky

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

When I die I'm going to entrust my money to a Nigerian prince

...on the condition that he can find a valid US bank account to transfer it to.

It's true that money can't buy happiness;

but happiness cannot buy groceries.

I came into some money recently.

Probably should’ve just used it to buy some tissues but whatever.

Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision

It was a rip off

Arnold Schwarzenegger is organizing a marathon to raise money for the rebuild of Norte Dame...

... It's slogan is ...

'Run with me if you want to give'

An old woman walked into a bank with a huge bag of money.

She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money. The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office.

She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, ...

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NSFW I lost all my money investing in a 2 story brothel.

Too much fucking overhead.

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How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

​

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

​

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, ...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money on the counter.

He asks the bartender, “what is that jar for?” The bartender replies, “its for a contest, the person who wins gets all the money. First you have to beat that guy up” and he points to a buff guy in the corner. “Then, I have a bulldog with a tooth that’s been killing him. You have to pull it out. Then...

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When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

My dad told me he just got one of the best hearing aids money can buy.

So I asked him "what kind is it?"

He said "about 4:30".

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money.

So I woke up to look with him.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

If you ever have dinner with a urologist, make sure you spend as much or more money on the food as he does.

They always prefer to split the deferens.

I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

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A man goes into his favorite bar and sees a jar of money on the counter with the word "win" printed on it.

"What's this about?" he asks the bartender.

​

"That's our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot."

​

"Cool," he says. "What are the three acts?"

&...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the...

A blonde was desperate for money...

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'

'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'

'Great,' the man replied. 'You...

A patient walks into his Doctor’s office and asks “I’ve been having this really bad pain in my back and money is kinda tight at the moment. Can you recommend any natural healing agents? Perhaps even meditation?”

The doctor replies “sorry sir, I’m just not sha-man.”

What did Congress say to George Washington with bad breath after he said: "I need some money"?

You need a mint

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.

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“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

I didn't have enough money to pay the priest for the exorcism

So he repossessed me

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There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so.

One day they came with an idea. Each time they make love, they will put a 10 note into a piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The ...

Money doesn’t buy happiness.

But somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Lamborghini than a bus.

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At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

Earlier today, while I was leaving the supermarket, a guy came in crying and in a mess. He told me he lost his rent money in the supermarket and has no way to pay the rent now.

I felt so bad for him, so I gave him $100 from the $1500 I found

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

What costs the most money to keep running?

5th : a family car

4th : a boat

3d : a tank

2nd : a warship

1st : a girlfriend

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What do you call money which is received after sex?

In cum tax.

I did not give the cashier an exact amount of money.

Don't worry. Change is coming.

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A man walks into a bar and sees a big jar full of money on the counter

He asks the bartender about it, and he replies, "Oh, it's for this ongoing... I guess you'd call it a contest."

Intrigued, the man asks how it works.

"Well, you put $100 in and then you'll win the whole jar if you complete three tasks."

The jar is quite large and full to the b...

No wonder the Catholic church needed to raise so much money for Notre Dame.

Insurance companies won't pay for "Acts of God" claims on a church.

Why did the pimp put his hoe in charge of his money?

It’s the thot that counts.

If money is the root of all evil.

Why do churches ask for it?

After my uncle died I came into some money...

Boy, was I happy! The bank teller, though, was horrified.

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”

I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”

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I recently came into some money...

I recently came into some money that I don't really need. So I decided to host a charity event - except I couldn't decide who to help.

Finally, I decided on two groups - people who struggle to achieve orgasm and people who mess up punchlines.

You're all invited, so if you can't make i...

Good cop: where is the money?

Blind cop: *bangs fists on the table* WHERE IS EVERYTHING

A Christian priest, a Muslim priest and a rabbi are asked what method they use to give money with God and the community.

The Christain priest goes first. He draws a circle and throws all the money into the air. "Whatever falls into the inner part of the circle is mine, whatever falls on the outer side of the circle is God's and the communities.

The Muslim priest goes second. He draws a straight line and throws ...

Why is it difficult to borrow money from a leprechaun?

Because he’s always a little short.

What kind of money do Bloods use?

Cryptocurrency.

A young kid came back from school and learned a new way to earn money from his friends..

He simply had to say to anyone close to him:

“I know everything.”

And that will reward him with money!

The kid first went to his father, he approach him and said “Dad, I know everything.” His dad’s eyes widened and quickly gave him 100$ and said “Shh. Don’t tell anyone please.”....

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out!

The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money do...

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We just found out that my grandfather left all his money to Pornhub.

Apparently it was there for him during the hard times.

Genie: Whats your first wish?

Joe: I want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: I want lots of money

If you tell a really incredible story about making money...

It's an incomparable income parable.

I was at Walmart at this lady was crying because she lost her tax money and couldn't buy for her kids. I gave her $200....

...since I had just found $3,000 in the parking lot and I felt that if God has blessed me I should bless someone else.

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A man walks into a bar where’s there’s a jar stuffed with money...

“What’s with the jar?” Says the man as he sits down.

The bartender looks over, “An ongoing competition. It’s $5 to enter, but if you can make the horse out back laugh you take the jar and the money.”

The man takes out his wallet, puts a fiver in and walk out the back door. A minute l...

A man runs out of money in a foreign Asian country

A man runs out of money while traveling a foreign country in Asia. Desperate for food he hears the locals discussing the Monks and their great kindness. Hearing this, the man decides to seek out the temple and beg the monks for food.

After finding the temple, the man is taken in and well fed....

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar." answered little Johnny.

"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my father"

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A man sends his son out with a duck and tells him to make some money

So the son naturally heads for the county fair to see if anyone wants to buy it. Along the way, he sees this ugly prostitute.

The prostitute walks up to him and says, "Hey that's a nice duck you got there. Tell ya what. If you give me that duck, I'll fuck you."

So they go into the wo...

What do you call a mental person who needs money?

Fund-a-mental

My wife thought I needed money, so she transferred some to me

She just put her two cents in, couldn’t believe it.

Money-wise I’m set for life,

Provided I die next Tuesday

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Why doesn't R Kelly have money to post bail?

Because he pissed it all away.

I just want to thank my bank for lending me the money for my new house.

I don’t know how I could ever repay you.

Where do fish go to withdraw money

The Loan shark

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

People think that I'm stupid because I ask them for money in exchange of politically incorrect opinions.

Well, I beg to differ.

Met my school bully 10 years after I last saw him. He still takes my money today.

But on the other hand, he certainly knows how to make a decent sandwich.

Why is pumice asking for money?

It is the porous rock

How much money does a skunk have?

One scent.

Was about to sleep when I saw the robber last night in my house searching for money. I immediately got up.

And searched alongside with him.

Why do women make less money than men

Because of the property tax

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.

I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string

And he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and sa...

My dad taught me that money and fame will come only if I succeed

Anybody knows who seed is?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A very drunk Irish man runs out of money for beer while in a pub...

In desperate need of another drink he says to the bartender "Please, I am out of money but I will do anything for another beer"

The bartender thinks about it for a minute and says "well mate I got a dog in the backroom with an awful toothache, I don't have the heart to pull it out myself but...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last year my girlfriend made me make a swear jar, every time I swear I have to put $1 in and after 12 months it goes to charity. Today I opened it up and said out loud ‘Blooming heck, there’s no gosh darn money in here.’

‘Cause I’m a fucking tight arse.

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags i...

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Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar.

So one of them devises a clever plan, he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without payi...

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