Why do mailmans work for so little money?

It’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The head of an organized crime syndicate realized his accountant had been skimming money from him for years.

Unfortunately the accountant only spoke Russian. So the boss hired a Russian interpreter and busted into the accountant’s home.

He tells to the interpreter, “tell him I want to know where my money is, AND I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!!” The interpreter conveys the message in Russian and the acco...

If I ever win the lottery I'll give some of the money to charity.

.....And if she isn't dancing that night I'll give some Destiny

If you make money selling Indian bread...

You run a Naan Profit Organization.

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

If dentists make all their money from bad teeth...

....why should we use toothpaste that 8 out of 10 dentists recommend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?

Because they can wash their crack and sell it again

After a long, unlucky life, a woman saved up enough money to go on her dream vacation: backpacking around Europe.

One night she got back to her hostel late. Quietly, she snuck into the big communal bedroom and made her way to her bunk. She prepared for bed as she did every night; she sat and gently removed her prosthetic leg. Setting it aside she massaged the stump; it was sore from so much walking. She pulled ...

After Finding Nemo, how did Dory make money?

She started an OnlyFins.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are having money trouble and decide the wife needs to work the streets as a hooker.

Two days later she comes back with $225.25. The husband says "that's good, but what cheap bastard gave you 25 cents?" The wife responds "all of them"

I feel like my purchase of a vacuum cleaner was a waste of money

Ever since I bought all it's done is collected dust

I know a guy who is asking for money to invest in Happy Days collectibles.

I told him no. I think he is running a Fonzi scheme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

I went to a brothel without any money.

They told me to beat it.

How much money does a pirate pay for corn

A buccaneer

The last thing my grandfather told me was “It’s worth spending money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

How Much Money Does Brazil make?

About a brazilian dollars!

Michigan Lawyer: "Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?"

Barney: "No sir. I ain't got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!"

Lawyer: "Well you can raise money on that. Now let's see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?"

Barney: "A 1928 Ford Car."

As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?...

Nah i better give them to this homeless guy

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor

How much money do you think an ATM have inside it?

80M because it's 80M

A blonde looking to make some money.

A blonde looking to make some money is walking down the high street.
He walks past a shop front and can't believe his eyes when he sees the sign:
"suits-$12
Shirts-$3"
Being a businessman, he starts calculating. He realizes this is a great opportunity, he can start a clothing export ...

What do you call an arborist who has no money?

Bur Oak

I’m not saying my wife is tight fisted with money..

But I had to join her only fans to see her naked .

Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?

It suffered from withdrawals.

What does one ship do when it wants another ship to lose money?

It Suez them.

Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME.

As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.

Why does river have alot of money

It has two banks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

Does your wife occasionally steal money from you?

Mine does. So sometimes, I let her have it!

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into th...

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

Why wife gets mad because I donate so much money every week to help support single moms.

She says I'm just using it as an excuse to go to the strip club

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bank and says to the the clerk, “I want to open a fucking account in this damn bank.”

The woman, astonished, replies: “I beg your pardon, such language is not tolerated in our bank.”

She then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the clerk shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language.

They both re...

Where do crabs store their money?

In the sand bank.

My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money.

He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:

“I followed the con-text clues.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

I just lost a lot of money to a con-artist

He had this great pitch about investing in an innovative company that could identify male sheep by their urine. Turns out it was a pee-ram-id scheme.

I spent a lot of time, money, and effort! child proofing my house.

but the kids still get in!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

Distribution of collection money

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi discuss how they split up the collection between themselves and god.

Said the pastor "I draw a circle on the ground, then I throw the money in the air. What falls in the circle is mine, what's outside is god's".

Said the priest "I have a similar method, I...

If people are calling the American Stimulus money Biden Bucks...

Does that mean the last stimulus check was
Trump Change?

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

He gave the robber his money and asked the robber to shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

He then asked, "Shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward".

After the robber ...

You wanna know how I know that good hookers aren't worth the money?

Because I always overcharge clients.

How does the Hulk make extra money?

He flips cars.

What do you call a coconut with little money

A brokeonut

What do those who beg for other people's money while trying to control them call each other?

Public servants.

Farmers would make a lot more money if they didn't grow avocado.

They should try growing twovocadoes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

Money has never meant a damn thing to me...

...that’s my two cents.

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

National Bank of USA decides to save some money on coin making...

so they buy a cheap coin making machine made in China.

Soon enough, it stops working, and the bank sends an engineer to fix it. As he looks into the machine, he realises that the hardware is completely different from american, and he does not understand anything about this Chinese coin making...

Want to make money by peeing?

Well *urine* luck!

I asked Ellen for money, She said no

I always knew she was De-Generes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

I just farted on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!

*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

I’m becoming one of those people who spends all of their money on apple products.

I’m addicted to cider.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.

So, at the funeral reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.

A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "O...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple doesn't have enough money to get through the month.

They try everything to earn some income. They put their furniture up for sale, but no one wants it. They ask friends and family for help, but no one supports them.

In despair, he says to her: "Unfortunately, I don't see any other way... You have to prostitute yourself, that's our last option!...

As a rock salesman, I've had great success with money.

Sometimes I take it for granite.

Here, in Hungary, we have a lot of scottish jokes. These show the scottish as a greedy, money-chasing men.

So a Hungarian heard enough Scottish jokes, and decides to go to Scotland. He arrives, goes to the countryside, and knocks on a random door in a village.
-Hello?
-Yes, who's there?- A young woman opens the door.
-So I was hiking through this little village, and my throat is very dry. I was ...

Why do doctors make more money from circumcisions than other types of procedures?

It's the only procedure in which they collect tips!

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

What's the difference between Monopoly money and the Venezuelan dollar?

People can find enjoyment with Monopoly money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Would you suck a dick for $1,000,000?

Yea

But I don’t really have that kind of money

An old man walks into a jewelry with a much younger gal

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring ov...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase a small see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eddie Money, Eddie Rabbit, and Eddie Van Halen are all teaming up to make a new album!

The first ever album brought to you by Ed, Edd, and Eddie.

If you had the choice between World Peace or all of Bill Gates money....

.....what colour Ferrari would you buy?

My brother, my sister, and myself pooled our money together

We treated our dad with this fish therapy where little fish nibble on the dead skin until it is gone.

It was money well spent, because it was much cheaper than a regular funeral.

A forger was arrested and thrown in jail for making counterfeit money

Later, a reporter visited his cell for an interview and asked him “Why did you make counterfeit money?”

The forger thought for a while before he replied, saying “Because making real money is impossible.”

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

Who did Owen Wilson borrow money from?

Wilson, you know, because he was owen Wilson.

Rich people use their money and infleunce to avoid standing trials about their crimes

Jeffrey Epstein learnt this the hard way

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulatio...

One day - a woman decides to save up money and get a facelift for herself

On her way home she stopped at a shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for...

Family had no money left, so the husband sent his wife to work the streets.

She came home in the morning, and her husband asked:”How much did you make?”

“$804” she said

“Which idiot gave you $4 ???” he asked

“Well... everyone...”

Valerie

The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhap...

I got arrested for asking around for advice on money laundering

I don’t get it.

During this COVID-19 pandemic, I thought the least I could do to stay safe was to disinfect my money.

my neighbour started playing tennis for money

it was quite the racket

3 farmers.

3 farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.

"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." Said the first farmer.

"First thing I would do is buy a fancy ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

A poor Jewish tailor has a son...

So he goes to see the mohel and tells him, "My son must be circumcised, but I have no money to pay you."
After thinking for a moment, the mohel gets a huge jar from his shelf and gives it to the tailor. "For all my years as a mohel, I haven't known what to do with all the foreskins, so I put the...

Always borrow money from a pessimist.

He doesn't expect to be paid back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much money would I need to be comfortable

to jerk off in public?

It's either billions of dollars or no dollars.

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

I don't see any reason not to print more money.

Tell me one and I'll give you a Trillion Zimbabwe Dollars.

How do you call a German collecting money for charity?

Krautfunding

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man is driving in a Mercedes-Benz when he gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop asks him for his license and registration and begins to question him about his car. "Where'd you get the money to buy such a nice Benz?"

The man replies, "I'm a specialty surgeon, I enlarge assholes."

Skeptical, the officer asks more about the procedure. The man explains, "Fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple has run out of money..

They decide that the only solution is that the wife turn to the oldest profession to help them make ends meet.

The husband drops her off at the street corner and tells her he'll be back to pick her up at the end of the night.

When he arrives to pick her up he asks: "So, how much did y...

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

In terms of money, I'm set for life!

Provided I die next Friday

I invested my dad's money in stocks and made him a millionaire.

He used to be a billionaire.

I was going to tell you a joke about a hole in the wall that money comes out of ..

But I can't think of one atm.

A dying man wants to prevent his family from inheriting his wealth. So he entrusts the money to his three closest friends: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.

He gives each friend an envelope with $1,000,000 in cash, and makes them all swear to bury the money with him when he dies. They all shake hands and solemnly agree.

A few months later the man dies, and the three friends place their envelopes in the casket.

Later, privately, the doctor...

Where does the TF2 Scout keep his Money?

In his BONK Account.

If money can't buy happiness.

I don't want it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a wife got angry with her husband always complaining about her extravagant spending of money and stopped talking to him.

The husband next day came home and said, " I got a tattoo for you."
"What kind of tattoo and where is it?" she asked.
"It is a $100 bill tattooed on my penis, " he replied.
"Why the hell did you get it there?" she asked.
He said , "Because I know how much you like to blow money."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church."

Did you give it back?"

"Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer."

I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant

He said: it’s naan of your business

If you want to save money this Christmas.

Now is the perfect time to tell the kids.

Santa didn't make it through the pandemic..

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden

_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._


A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is signif...

My parents didn't have much money when I was young. One Christmas my mates all got new consoles but I just got a bat and ball.

To be fair the ball was alright. The bat was useless though - it just hung upside in my wardrobe all day.

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor bo...

I don't understand why people think money grows on trees when clearly, it actually grows on shrubbery.

That's where hedge funds come from!

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

Have you ever thought of putting money into textiles?

I'm a broker at the local clothing bank. I'm mostly a sock broker, but I handle all kinds of vestments. We do a lot of short sales.
(Please be kind, it's my first post!)

A husband returns and tells his wife he spent her money at the strip club

The wife is angry and asks? "You went to the strip club and spent my money? I told your to spend my money on some fruit from the grocery store!"

And the husband sighs and says, "No, you told me to spend it on a pair of melons. Do I look like a mind reader to you?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bartender notices one of his costumers hasn’t paid for his drink, so he asks to see his money.

The man says, “If I show you a miracle, will you give me the drink for free?” The bartender agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a hamster, and sets it on the bartop. It immediately starts dancing. This hamster is the most incredible dancer the bartender has ever seen, so he say...

A man had just won big on lottery. Asked about what he'd do with the money, his immediate answer was to fix everything broken on his 2007 Chevrolet Malibu ...

"What about the rest of the money?" He was asked again.

"Well, I hope the bank can lend it to me."

What do you call a clown that saves money by being homeless?

Penny wise

One day I'll have to cook for myself to save money.

I'm telling my mother that I'll have to get better at cooking to save money when I move away. My 13 y.o. sister interrupts by saying, "Your water bill from flushing so much will make up for that."

What do you get when you mix divorce checks with counterfeit money?

Aliphony!

What do you call a sugar daddy with no money?

A splenda daddy.

my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum

Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"

Me: "ship her home"

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"

Me: "A long time ago a man wa...

Where does a snowman keep his money?

In a......snow bank

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man stores his money in a bank

A well looking man is at the bank and wants to deposit 100,000$, the bank manager gets closer to him and says:

"I have notice that you deposit huge amounts of cash every few days, is it OK if I ask, where to do find the money?"

"I'm betting" says the man

"what kind of betting?"<...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.