What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money?

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An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The pres...

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!"

The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

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A man is deciding between three women, which to be with. He tests them by giving them each $5000 to see what they each do with the money.

The first woman got a complete spa treatment and makeover to make herself look good for the man. The second woman took her $5000 and bought the man gifts, gadgets and trinkets he’d like to make him happy. The third woman invested the money, made a hefty return on it, and paid back the man his $5000....

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”

​

The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people:

1. They would spend it on alcohol.

2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

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My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, ...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

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So the man a...

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns...

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

Arnold Schwarzenegger is organizing a marathon to raise money for the rebuild of Norte Dame...

... It's slogan is ...

'Run with me if you want to give'

An old woman walked into a bank with a huge bag of money.

She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money. The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office.

She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, ...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money on the counter.

He asks the bartender, “what is that jar for?” The bartender replies, “its for a contest, the person who wins gets all the money. First you have to beat that guy up” and he points to a buff guy in the corner. “Then, I have a bulldog with a tooth that’s been killing him. You have to pull it out. Then...

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Pornhub is now donating money to bee preservation for every video you watch on their new site...

I guess I’m gonna go single-handedly save the bees!

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

I came into some money recently.

Probably should’ve just used it to buy some tissues but whatever.

My dad told me he just got one of the best hearing aids money can buy.

So I asked him "what kind is it?"

He said "about 4:30".

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money.

So I woke up to look with him.

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

What did Congress say to George Washington with bad breath after he said: "I need some money"?

You need a mint

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. ...

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A local stripper got fired for giving out blowjobs on the side for some extra money.

She really blew it.

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There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so.

One day they came with an idea. Each time they make love, they will put a 10 note into a piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The ...

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A man goes into his favorite bar and sees a jar of money on the counter with the word "win" printed on it.

"What's this about?" he asks the bartender.

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"That's our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot."

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"Cool," he says. "What are the three acts?"

&...

Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision

It was a rip off

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.

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“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

No wonder the Catholic church needed to raise so much money for Notre Dame.

Insurance companies won't pay for "Acts of God" claims on a church.

A blonde was desperate for money...

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'

'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'

'Great,' the man replied. 'You...

Women call me Ugly until they find out how much Money I make

Then they call me Ugly and Poor.

Earlier today, while I was leaving the supermarket, a guy came in crying and in a mess. He told me he lost his rent money in the supermarket and has no way to pay the rent now.

I felt so bad for him, so I gave him $100 from the $1500 I found

After my uncle died I came into some money...

Boy, was I happy! The bank teller, though, was horrified.

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When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

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What do you call money which is received after sex?

In cum tax.

I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.

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I recently came into some money...

I recently came into some money that I don't really need. So I decided to host a charity event - except I couldn't decide who to help.

Finally, I decided on two groups - people who struggle to achieve orgasm and people who mess up punchlines.

You're all invited, so if you can't make i...

I didn't have enough money to pay the priest for the exorcism

So he repossessed me

What costs the most money to keep running?

5th : a family car

4th : a boat

3d : a tank

2nd : a warship

1st : a girlfriend

If money is the root of all evil.

Why do churches ask for it?

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

Why is it difficult to borrow money from a leprechaun?

Because he’s always a little short.

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

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A man walks into a bar and sees a big jar full of money on the counter

He asks the bartender about it, and he replies, "Oh, it's for this ongoing... I guess you'd call it a contest."

Intrigued, the man asks how it works.

"Well, you put $100 in and then you'll win the whole jar if you complete three tasks."

The jar is quite large and full to the b...

Why did the pimp put his hoe in charge of his money?

It’s the thot that counts.

A Christian priest, a Muslim priest and a rabbi are asked what method they use to give money with God and the community.

The Christain priest goes first. He draws a circle and throws all the money into the air. "Whatever falls into the inner part of the circle is mine, whatever falls on the outer side of the circle is God's and the communities.

The Muslim priest goes second. He draws a straight line and throws ...

Good cop: where is the money?

Blind cop: *bangs fists on the table* WHERE IS EVERYTHING

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A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

What kind of money do Bloods use?

Cryptocurrency.

My biggest goal in life is just being able to make enough money one day.

So that the DMs I've sent to the popular chicks on Instagram over the years starts to get replies back.

If you tell a really incredible story about making money...

It's an incomparable income parable.

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We just found out that my grandfather left all his money to Pornhub.

Apparently it was there for him during the hard times.

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar." answered little Johnny.

"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my father"

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A man sends his son out with a duck and tells him to make some money

So the son naturally heads for the county fair to see if anyone wants to buy it. Along the way, he sees this ugly prostitute.

The prostitute walks up to him and says, "Hey that's a nice duck you got there. Tell ya what. If you give me that duck, I'll fuck you."

So they go into the wo...

What do you call a mental person who needs money?

Fund-a-mental

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At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out!

The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money do...

I was at Walmart at this lady was crying because she lost her tax money and couldn't buy for her kids. I gave her $200....

...since I had just found $3,000 in the parking lot and I felt that if God has blessed me I should bless someone else.

A man runs out of money in a foreign Asian country

A man runs out of money while traveling a foreign country in Asia. Desperate for food he hears the locals discussing the Monks and their great kindness. Hearing this, the man decides to seek out the temple and beg the monks for food.

After finding the temple, the man is taken in and well fed....

A young kid came back from school and learned a new way to earn money from his friends..

He simply had to say to anyone close to him:

“I know everything.”

And that will reward him with money!

The kid first went to his father, he approach him and said “Dad, I know everything.” His dad’s eyes widened and quickly gave him 100$ and said “Shh. Don’t tell anyone please.”....

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Why doesn't R Kelly have money to post bail?

Because he pissed it all away.

Money-wise I’m set for life,

Provided I die next Tuesday

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A man walks into a bar where’s there’s a jar stuffed with money...

“What’s with the jar?” Says the man as he sits down.

The bartender looks over, “An ongoing competition. It’s $5 to enter, but if you can make the horse out back laugh you take the jar and the money.”

The man takes out his wallet, puts a fiver in and walk out the back door. A minute l...

Why is pumice asking for money?

It is the porous rock

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

How much money does a skunk have?

One scent.

I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.

I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”

I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags i...

I just want to thank my bank for lending me the money for my new house.

I don’t know how I could ever repay you.

Why do women make less money than men

Because of the property tax

My dad taught me that money and fame will come only if I succeed

Anybody knows who seed is?

Met my school bully 10 years after I last saw him. He still takes my money today.

But on the other hand, he certainly knows how to make a decent sandwich.

People think that I'm stupid because I ask them for money in exchange of politically incorrect opinions.

Well, I beg to differ.

Dirty hands are a sign of clean money....

Unless you’re a grave robber

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Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar.

So one of them devises a clever plan, he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without payi...

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A very drunk Irish man runs out of money for beer while in a pub...

In desperate need of another drink he says to the bartender "Please, I am out of money but I will do anything for another beer"

The bartender thinks about it for a minute and says "well mate I got a dog in the backroom with an awful toothache, I don't have the heart to pull it out myself but...

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Last year my girlfriend made me make a swear jar, every time I swear I have to put $1 in and after 12 months it goes to charity. Today I opened it up and said out loud ‘Blooming heck, there’s no gosh darn money in here.’

‘Cause I’m a fucking tight arse.

Where do fish go to withdraw money

The Loan shark

Where do frogs keep their money?

In a river bank.

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

did i ever tell you about the time that i was contacted by a former partner who was working in italy via the money transfer service i was using?

I was not ready when my ex communicated by the paypal authority

Why are Southerners so bad at managing money?

They only talk with drawls.

I asked my wife of 25 years if she'd still love me if I didn't have any money.

She thought about it and nodded with a smile. "Yes, of course I still would love you. I would *MISS* you, but still love you."

Anyone who says money can’t buy happiness...

Has obviously never paid for a divorce.

How can people sell out for money?

No,really, I’m looking for advice.

How can you tell if a church in Europe has no money?

It’s Baroque

It's a sad day. After several years of medical training & hard work, a friend of mine has been struck off after just 1 minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and is now barred from his profession. An utter waste of training and money.

He's a genuinely nice guy too, and an excellent vet

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Doctor: Have you ever had sex in exchange for money?

Me: Yeah, I've dated before.

I got fired for not accepting a raise at my job this week because I didn't want to lose money paying higher taxes in the next bracket.

I sure feel bad for the accountant they hire to replace me.

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A husband and wife decide they need some extra money [NSFW]

A husband and wife decide they need some extra money to help pay the bills. The wife, being dutiful and willing to do anything to help out the family, decides she's going to start selling blowjobs.

At the end of her first day at this new endeavor she comes back home on the verge of tears, but...

I love how Canadian money is Scratch n Sniff!

American money is too, just not intentionally.

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

I Just spent a load of money and, made my valentine the happiest ever!

I'm glad I can post this here. Where's my lotion.

I Have Money For Days!

A man goes to his bank to withdraw some money. He sees there is a new, smoking hot teller. He thinks ‘I’ll ask her out on a date’. He proceeds to walk up to her and starts to talk to her.

“Hey beautiful.”

*giggles* “Well hello sir! What can I do for you today?”

“I’d like to wit...

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A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string

And he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and sa...

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”

The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"

My dad always told me to always check my pants pockets before I put them in the washer, in case there was some money.

Because if you leave it there, you could be arrested for laundering money.

In the USA we use the dollar as money. In Russia,

There is no money.

Rabbis make no money doing circumcisions.

But they do get a lot of tips.

What did the carrot say to the cucumber that owed him money?

Hey man, you knew the dill. Now you're in a pickle, and I couldn't carrot all.

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Why do Jews Have So Much Money?

They always keep the tips.

Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute?

A prostitute, because she can wash her crack and sell it again!

Ole Blue

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our...

Our leader is a joke to the world, he’s made terrible descisions, he lacks a lot of experience, he’s cost us a lot of money, and he hasn’t made many people happy.

At least it’s only Justin Trudeau.