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Money Jokes

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't understand how Brits keep track of money...

I'd have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 thripince.

What do you call a man who gives students money?

Grant

Im a good man, I give 50% of my money to charity

Except when she’s not working I give it to destiny .

My wife came home and said “I’ve been selling my body for money today and I’ve made £300 and 50p”, I said who the hell gave you 50p.

She said “all of them”.

Two men found many bags full of money. To be grateful, they decided to share it with God, meaning people in need.

The first man drew a line on the floor and said: I'll throw my part through the air, what comes down on the right side is mine, and on the left side is for the poor, that's God's will.

The second man said: I'll throw all my part through the air, and God will give me back what he wants and kee...

My dad always says, “Don’t spend too much money on expensive headphones.”

That’s….sound advice.

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money...

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied...

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A couple were having money problems.

One day the wife went to her husband with an idea to make some quick cash. He listened and after arguing for a little while, finally agreed.

Dressed in her sexiest most revealing dress, the wife jumped out of the car and posing provocatively under the street light, she waved her husband goodb...

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

Where do Alaskans keep their money?

Fairbanks

An easy way to make money is to take photos of salmon dressed in formal human clothes.

It’s like… shooting fish in apparel.

If time is money...

... ATM's are Time Machines.

Money can't buy you happiness

But poverty can't buy you anything.

I met a homeless guy on the streets today who was asking for money.

I had 20 dollars with me but I didn't want it to be spent on drugs and alcohol so i gave him all of it.

Just before breaking up with them, I would treat all my exes to mani-pedis, massages, and give them some spending money.

Father always taught me to leave stuff in better condition than how I found it.

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What is a profession that begins with “P”, is often criticised, and is known for fucking people and taking their money?

Politician.

A homeless man is on the street corner begging for money

A wealthy lawyer walks past him. "Pardon me, sir, but do you have any spare change?"

The lawyer looks annoyed, and turns to him. "No, no I don't. I don't believe in giving handouts to bums. But I tell you what," he said, handing him a business card, "if you come to my house tomorrow morni...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money.

He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times ro...

Where do polar bears keep their money?

In a snowbank.

I‘m so good with managing money

I got a letter from a debt collector saying ‘outstanding payment’

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A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...

What's the hardest part of being addicted to money?

The withdrawals.

I don't get why money is such a taboo in job interviews.

It would be much easier if they just accepted my bribe.

Where do fish keep their money?

In the river bank

A man who made tie-dyed shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his business.

While filling out the documents, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of dye all over his paperwork. The poor man dyed a loan.

With the bribery and corruption scandal surrounding the World Cup, I want to remind everyone that money can't change someone's mind.

But I'm willing to try.

How do cult leaders make money?

Compound interest.

Why was Vivaldi always asking for money?

Because he was Baroque

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Ce...

I’m saving up some money to plant bushes for my backyard.

That’s…my hedge fund.

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

Banned from the grocery store

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

Due to the economic crisis, my dad decides to save money this year by shopping for a smaller Christmas tree. As he proudly places it on the checkout desk the cashier asks...

"Are you going to put this little tree up yourself sir?", to which my dad answers, "No I'm not you filthy animal! I'm going to put it in the living room!!"

How did the funeral home make so much money?

They had the market coronered

It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

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The Green Dickie!

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure. Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.

One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem. Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a ...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,,.

only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" ...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a milli...

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year

than a professional athlete earns in a whole day.

How many songs do you need to write if you really want to make some money with them?

Four tunes.

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

What do you call an event that involves money?

An occurrency!

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I went to Japan alone and visited a temple

I went to Japan alone and visited a temple that everyone says miracles could happen after prayers.


Once arrived, I opened my wallet, and poured all my money into the offering box and prayed,
"God, I want a girlfriend, it would be great if she's from Japan, and she likes anime l...

Dance like it hurts… love like you need money…

work when people are watching.

My wife is a hooker?

My wife woke me this morning after being out all night I asked her where she was and she told me that because we were going through some money problems she decided that she was going to go on the game and after a lot of arguing I asked how much money she made and she said 4 thousand 6 hundred 40 eur...

Chuck Norris got ambushed by terrorists with a $5,000,000 ransom

If the money wasn’t paid within 24 hours, the terrorists would be beheaded

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If you're going to bet money on porn, remember the cardinal rule:

A good D will cover the spread.

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3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

I just came into a lot of money

Normally I use tissues

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After making love as a married couple for the first time, a young bride asks her husband for $50. As he pays her, he advises, "if you want roleplaying, we should both be in on it... ask for the money up front."

So, every time they have sex, she asks for $50 and he gladly pays. After all, it's THEIR money.

After a year, he stops at the bank to get a crisp new $100 Bill to make their anniversary special. He hands it to her as he walks in the door.

"That's sweet," she says, "but first, come o...

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.

The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your child...

A guy looking to become a bee farmer went to a seasoned Apiarist and asked if he could buy some bees off him to start up a hive. The Apiarist said he had plenty to spare and was having a sale for 50 bees for $50...

The man bought the bees, went home and began putting the bees into the empty hive; he counted each one to make sure he got his moneys worth but by the end of the gruelling task he realized he had not 50 but 51 bees. He called the seasoned Apiarist and asked why he was given 51 bees when the sale was...

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Nobody's ever offered me money to have sex!

sure a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries, but not cash.

A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for $2000, and a man buys it from him.

The farmer says he'll deliver it to to man in 1 week's time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.

The farmer offers to refund the man's money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.

The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.

The man sa...

While at Walmart, I saw an amazing cooking utensil that I didn't have enough money for.

That's a whisk I'm willing to take.

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A businessman flew to Las Vegas

for a convention, gambled, and lost almost everything. He had nothing left but a couple dollars and a return plane ticket. If he could just get to the airport, he could get home. He went out to the front of the casino, got in a cab, and explained his situation to the driver. He promised to send fare...

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Me and my wife have been married for 35 years

and I've never let her look into the safe.

Last week, when I went to the market she looked in the safe.

When I got back she said:

Wife: Jethro I looked into the safe

Me: I told you not to look in the safe

Wife: There's $40,000 in cash in there & three eggs! Wha...

My doctor gave me three months to live

When I told him I wouldn't be able to come up with the money to pay the bill by then, he gave me three more.

If Government can print money

Then why are we paying taxes?!?

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Getting older is rough. This month I only had enough money to get either my Viagra or my Alzheimers medication.

I can't recall which one I chose...

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What do horny skeletons do to make money?

Start a bonely fans

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Did you hear about the sex worker who was so hard up for money that she agreed to be a bottom in BDSM?

She was strapped for cash!

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

Money

If money is the root of all evil, why do they ask for it at church ?

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

When I was young, losing teeth would earn me money.

Now I'm old, earning money will gain me teeth.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money,

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde...

Why does John the Baptist have more money than Jesus?

Because Jesus saves while John invests!

The bathroom had no toilet paper, and all I had to use was the money in my pocket.

So I did what had to be done.

It was tough, and a little messy.

But for a clean ass?

it was the best 43 cents i’d ever spent.

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

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I remember once my dad gave me money to pay for the electricity bill

but instead I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I had done and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside our house was a brand new car.

We all cried especially me, because the ca...

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I got blackmailed by a person who claims to have nudes of me

Jokes on him, now I filmed myself, send him daily videos and ask for money to make me stop.

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A little girl was on summer break, and some guys showed up to work on the house across the street

Being the curious type, she decided to walk over and offer her help. The guys said sure, of course she could. So they gave her little jobs to do all week, "bring these screws over to Ray" and that sort of thing. After the week was over, they decided to give her a little payment, and handed her an en...

Where does 007 invest his money?

Bonds. Stocks and bonds.

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Stingy old lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He in...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

So, I decided to teach my kids about democracy, right?

I was like, 'Alright kids, we're gonna have a vote. We're gonna decide on what show to watch and what food to order.'

And they're excited, they're like, 'Ooh, democracy!'

And I'm like, 'Yeah, this is how it works.'

And then I picked the show and got the food I wanted because ...

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

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Sex for Money

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.

I recently came across a big sum of money.

That´s the reason I got fired from the Bank.

Did you hear about the ATM that was addicted to money?

It suffured from terrible withdrawals

Two Jewish guys are walking.....

when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in...

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A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someon...

I came home from the bar the last night and was met by my wife asking, " WHAT DO YOU MEAN COMING HOME HALF DRUNK?!?!"

I said, "I ran out of money!"

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I just saw a guy masturbating into an ATM.

Looks like he came into some money.

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Two women are talking over the garden wall and the conversation turns to money.

“You know, Lauren, I’ve discovered a great way to get more money out of my old man. Last week I wore a low necked jumper when we went shopping and as I bent over the supermarket freezer one of my boobs popped out. You should have seen Bill, he nearly had a blue fit. I told him it was because I didn’...

In the early days of mixed play, an English couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off.

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee first and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.


“Allo! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy a...

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The town drunkard gets berated by his wife for drinking with the money she gave him to get chicken.

With his ego hurt he promptly gets drunk again, steals a live hen from a nearby farm and tries to scramble back home before getting caught. In a bid to not get caught, he sneaks into a shabby cinema hall after somehow calming the hen down enough to stick it down his pants.
It was an adult film ...

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My wife said she’d like us to save money for her to get breast implants

I told her, “Why? All you need to do is rub some toilet paper between your breasts every day.”

She said, “What the hell is that going to do?”

I said, “I don’t know but it seems to have worked wonders on your ass.”

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Frog

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks...

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

A balding white haired man walked into a jewelry store...

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger lady at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd ...

Mexico

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.” The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insu...

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Some jerk took all my money, called me fat, then stabbed me in the arm.

I hate doctor's appointments.

Wanna hear a joke about money?

I think it's a really funny joke. I coined it myself.

A homeless man approached me as I was leaving a sandwich shop…

… and he asked me if I had $5 to spare. I felt bad for him, and was just about to give him the money.

But then I realized I was holding a $5 foot long I had just bought, so I held up both the cash and the sandwich and told him he could have whichever one he preferred.

He stared at th...

I've recently come into a large amount of money

Now it's all stuck together and I regret it

A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.

"How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee.

Whispers the man, "Three million."

"You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."

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When I was a boy my dad gave me money....

When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me becau...

One of the top questions I’ve been asked is “what’s the best way to spend your money when you’re homeless”

And from experience, I can say a mask and knife will work wonders for you.

A Nasty Divorce

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feaste...

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So I borrowed money from a buddy who runs a school…

I thought I paid him back but then he tells me I still owe him $8.43. It was then I realized I had only paid the principal

What do you call a moving slime that sells its body for money?

A protistute.

I buy and sell old adding machines for profit but lately I've been losing money.

Something's not adding up.

I found $10 on the sidewalk and thought, "Should I keep it for myself? Should I give it to that homeless guy over there?" But I decided I didn't want this money to be wasted on alcohol...

So I gave it to the homeless guy.

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A tea aficionado named “Patrick”…

A tea aficionado named Patrick moved to London to have a wide variety of teas available at his corner store. But that wasn’t enough. He soon began to use all the money he earned to travel the world to taste different styles of tea.

Obviously, he first went China many times, and backpacked to...

My friend just rented a limo for $2,500, but it didn't come with a driver.

Imagine spending all that money and having nothing to chauffeur it.

I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.

Pointing a knife at me, he barked.. 'your money or your life'!!

I told him that I was married ..so I had no money and no life.

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment!

The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Never again giving money to those marathon charities

They took my money and ran away with it.

two friars lose their job when the church shuts down...

...So they decide to start a flower shop. Business is good 'cause everyone wanted to buy flowers from the "Men of God", so good, in fact, that their competitor florist, Frank, wasn't getting any business. So he heads to the friars shop to bargain. Frank said "hey, could you close down for a while, o...

Money

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50. The second boy says, That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give ...

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

My relationship with trading is a weird one. They are unstable, constantly deplete my money, give me mental trauma, but I carry on thinking about the good times I had with them, and the money they made for me.

Guess I have "Stock"holm syndrome

The owners of a 'Happy Days' themed restaurant are being investigated for fraud for paying existing investors with new investors money.

Experts are referring to it as the world first Fonzie Scheme.

It's my cake day but I'm really sad. My wife and I got into a huge fight. She went shopping and spent a ton of money on a bag of pasta.

Can you believe that? A bag of pasta!

She insists it will be worth every penne.

I went to a Soviet drycleaners but didn't have the right money

They said they'd do it cheaper but I'd have to wait a while.

I had to ask them to quit Stalin, Putin a few Roubles and get these Marx off my Lenin.

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Three friends explore a cave

While in the cave, the friends find a genie’s lamp. Of course, as anyone in this situation would do, they excitedly rub the lamp. The genie of the lamp pours forth in a cloud of magical smoke.


The genie begins his spiel: “Gentlemen, for summoning me forth from the lamp, I shall give each...

Men are like bank accounts

Without a lot of money they don’t generate much interest.

(Not repost, searched and checked) "I no longer waste money on Diablo Immortal, I save it for the important things in life"

Like when I have to donate to my future wife on Twitch.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

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At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

How can you donate money to Taliban?

Just pay your taxes in United States

Another homeless man is on the street corner begging for money.

"Please Sir!" he addresses a well dressed man. "Do you have a buck for a pice of bread?"

"Well" answers the man, "it depends. I need to see the piece of bread first!"

Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.

I’m pretty sure my local corner shop is a money laundering front.

I’ve been in there about 1000 times and not once have I seen a corner for sale.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

Times were tough

Robert Palmer was arrested for tax evasion

Apparently "she's so fine there's no telling where the money went" isn't a valid defence

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

There are two reasons I never give money to the homeless. 1 - they are just doing to spend it on drugs and alcohol

2 - I need that money for drugs and alcohol

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

I was on a date at a restaurant.

At the end, she reached around in her pockets, then said, "Oh noooo! I forgot my purse!"

I said, "It's fine, don't worry...I'll pay."

"You're a gent," she replied.

Thankfully I made the money back by selling her purse.

Money

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money ? "
The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy! You men are all alike. "sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you. "

A hooker rings a doorbell and asks for John

The man walks away momentarily, comes back and hands the hooker some candy.

The hooker looks confused and says what's this for?

The man says I don't have enough money for a trick.

a blonde desperately wanted to win the lottery.

So she prayed to God one day and asked him to help her win the lottery.

The next morning the blonde woke up and she didn't win. So she prayed to God again asking to win the lottery. She reasoned that she'll use the money to do a lot of good and cure all diseases in the world.

The next ...

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A snobby young couple was walking through Central Park, discussing their massive credit card and mortgage debt.

As they worried about how to continue their rich lifestyle, a grubby homeless guy appears from behind a bush. He says, “Pssst! hey! I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you let me lick your wife’s boobs.”

The couple were appalled and hurry away. After a few seconds, the wife whispers, “You kn...

I gave my wife ten thousand dollars to have plastic surgery;

now I can’t get the money back and I don’t know who to look for.

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A man goes to the bar alone

After a few too many drinks he proceeds to vomit down the front of his shirt.

"Oh man, my wife bought me this shirt. She's gonna kill me!" he drunkenly blurts out.

"Relax," says the bartender. "Put a $10 bill in your shirt pocket. When you get home tell your wife you were walking into ...

A man collapses on the street and wakes up to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun holding a clipboard came into his room and said she was from the billing department and asked how he was going to pay the bill.

The man said, "I don't have health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He shook his head and replied, "I don't....

Misunderstanding

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me ...

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a guy walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "...

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Jesus walks into the last supper

And sees all his apostles tucking into a huge Indian takeaway with all the sides and plenty of beers……

Jesus turns to Peter and says “where the fuck did all this come from?”

Peter says “Oh Judas paid for it, he’s just ran into a load of money”

Heard this at a wedding

A woman and her husband had been married for 60 years and had remained faithful and loving this entire time. However, the woman did have one secret; a shoebox in her closet. The shoebox itself was not a secret, but the wife had told the husband that he was never to open or ask about the box, so the...

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A man and his raccoon

I was out drinking the other night and a man and his pet raccoon walk into the bar. It's about 7pm, in a near empty dive bar. Seemed a bit odd but as I watched I could tell they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night go...

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