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Discount Jokes

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A plastic surgeon was offering discounts on breast implants.

The sign read:

A sale of two titties

In America, "five finger discount" means you're shoplifting

In Saudi Arabia, "five finger discount" means you got caught shoplifting.

Why are discount circumcisions a bad idea?

It’s usually a total rip-off

Use 'discount' in a sentence.

Teacher: Johnny, please use "discount" in a sentence.

Johnny: Yes ma'am, "Does discount as a sentence?"

What is the worst thing to get a 100% discount on?

A test

What do you call a discount sauna?

A steam sale

What do you call a discount for mustard?

A poupon coupon

I used my discount card to clean ice off my windshield.

I could only get about 20% off tho

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Why are discount cards so bad at scraping ice off a car?

Because you only get 10% off

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday....

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on...

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If a prostitute gave you a discount

Would you get more bang for your buck?

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Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

If I go on a discount fishing trip and I lose the worm off the hook of my fishing line...

Am I entitled to a rebait?

I'm starting a discount amputation clinic.

I'm calling it Half Off For Half Off.

Discount War Medals (True Story)

Once I saw an article about how a person found a Purple Heart in a Goodwill store. They then bought it and tried to locate the family where it came from so they could return it to whomever it belonged.

But I commented on it saying “Wow they found a Purple Heart at Goodwill, that’s is a steal!...

Indians and discounts... I asked my buddy Rajesh what time it was

He replied, "It's 3 o'clock, but for you my friend, I'll make it 2.30"

Did you know they sell older rap songs at a discount if you buy two at once?

They call it the Tupac-bundle.

[NSFW] If a woman gets a breast implant at a discount...

Does that make it a clearance rack?

I asked an Indian restaurant if they gave volume discounts for large catering orders

They said their prices are naan negotiable.

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

Why did the waiter get a veterans discount

Because he SERVED our country

A store offered 100% discount to thieves.

Guy tries to take it without paying. I'm sorry sir but you can't steal what's free so you don't get the discount.

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A store announces that from 8:00 to 9:30 am they'll only be attending senior customers and offering discounts

By 7:30 there was already a big line of grandpas and grandmas waiting outside. Suddenly a nice car pulls up, a young man gets out and proceeds to cut in front of everyone. He gets immediately smacked in the head with a cane by an old lady. He brushes it off and keeps going. This time a lot of canes ...

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Discount Air Rides

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed t...

I bought my wife a wig from the discount store.

Wasn't going toupee full price.

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What do you call a discounted dildo?

A "Dealdo"

What do you call a Scot who doesn't buy food from the discount shelf?

A show off

I'm really regretting getting that discount circumcision…

…it was a total rip-off!

What do you call a discount on a circumcision and a vasectomy at the same time?

A package deal



I’ll see myself out

Why does Jesus shop at the discount store?

Because Jesus saves

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At our tattoo studio, women can flash their boobs to get a discount

The business model we operate on is "tit for tat".

i heard they were giving away batteries down the local discount store

turns out they were free of charge.

So there’s this witch that owns a motel and she’ll give you a discount room if you consent to her experimenting on you...

The sign outside says, “Come on in and rest for a spell”.

When they didn't accept my discount, I gave my local tanning salon a low rating...

It seemed a little shady to me.

I want to open up a discount book store

I’ll call it Food 4 Thought 4 Less

What did ABCDE say when asked about offering the bulk discount for 5$?

"I'm not one to three for $5!"

I just thought this one up and was wondering if you guys could help me fine tune it or decide to abandon it.

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A man buys a heavily discounted parrot from a pet store. As he's walking down the street, the parrot squawks obscenities at passersby.

Eventually, the man runs into the priest of his church.

"Good afternoon my son," said the priest. "And who might your feathered friend be?"

"FUCK YOU!" squawks the parrot.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I fully intend to break him of this obscene habit. I'll even teach him...

I found a doctor who would give me a discount on my son’s circumcision.

It was a ripoff.

What was the slogan at "Discount Doe's" Brothel

"The best damn bang for your buck!"

I once heard about a pimp that offered discounts on fat chicks.

You know what they say, it's always cheaper to buy in bulk.

I only go to brothels when they have discounts

I like getting more bang for my buck

Unfortunate sign in discount warehouse near a retirement community:

Shop till you drop!

There must be a special discount store for plumbers...

There pants are always 50% off

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

Did you hear there's a 50% discount at the crematorium this week?

They're having a fire sale.

Did you hear about the discount rabbi for circumcisions?

He'll take up to 10% off.

Hooters

Two men grow up together as friends. After college, one moves to Ohio, and the other moves to Colorado. They agree to meet every 10 years in Florida to play some golf and catch up with each other.


At age 35 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.


One asks, "...

A lady picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of...

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Asked my friend who works at the tampon store if he could get me a discount

He said he'd pull some strings.

I was so ecstatic to receive an OnlyFans discount that was 69% off, but my friend keeps making fun of it.

I told him that he's just jealous because he's not eligible for that family discount.

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A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.



“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

What do you get if you loose one of your fingers?

# What do you get if you lose one of your fingers?



10% Discount for a Manicure.

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A woman walked into a pet store.

After greeting the store owner, she strolled through the aisles, browsing through the various pets they had on sale. A bulldog with a 50% discount sticker plastered on the kennel containing it caught her eye. She beckoned the shop owner over.

"How much do you want for this little guy?" she a...

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