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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

I was so ecstatic to receive an OnlyFans discount that was 69% off, but my friend keeps making fun of it.

I told him that he's just jealous because he's not eligible for that family discount.

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A man buys a heavily discounted parrot from a pet store. As he's walking down the street, the parrot squawks obscenities at passersby.

Eventually, the man runs into the priest of his church.

"Good afternoon my son," said the priest. "And who might your feathered friend be?"

"FUCK YOU!" squawks the parrot.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I fully intend to break him of this obscene habit. I'll even teach him...

Metallica should open up a chain of mattress discount stores

And name it "Nothing else Mattress"

Why didn't Anakin get a discount ?

Because he didn't have his master card

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If a prostitute gave you a discount

Would you get more bang for your buck?

Valerie

The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhap...

What do you call a discount on a circumcision and a vasectomy at the same time?

A package deal



I’ll see myself out

Why are discount circumcisions a bad idea?

It’s usually a total rip-off

Help, how do I get the frost off my windshield?

I used my discount card but could only get 20% off.

Bernie is walking down the street and runs into Sheldon, an old acquaintance

Bernie says, "Sheldon, I am so glad I ran into you. I know some circus people and I can get you an elephant for $100."

Sheldon: What am I going to do with an elephant?

Bernie: He can put thing up on high shelves, He can spray you with water, You know, elephant things.

Sheldon: ...

Any tips on removing ice from my windshield?

I tried an old discount card, only got 20% off.

I bought my wife a wig from the discount store.

Wasn't going toupee full price.

[NSFW] If a woman gets a breast implant at a discount...

Does that make it a clearance rack?

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At our tattoo studio, women can flash their boobs to get a discount

The business model we operate on is "tit for tat".

Discount War Medals (True Story)

Once I saw an article about how a person found a Purple Heart in a Goodwill store. They then bought it and tried to locate the family where it came from so they could return it to whomever it belonged.

But I commented on it saying “Wow they found a Purple Heart at Goodwill, that’s is a steal!...

Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen?

I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!

Why did the waiter get a veterans discount

Because he SERVED our country

I tried to make a joke about shopping

Does discount ?

When they didn't accept my discount, I gave my local tanning salon a low rating...

It seemed a little shady to me.

What do you call a Scot who doesn't buy food from the discount shelf?

A show off

Why is Only Fans so cheap in Alabama?

Family discount.

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Two Guys Grow Up Together

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why...

I'm starting a discount amputation clinic.

I'm calling it Half Off For Half Off.

I found a doctor who would give me a discount on my son’s circumcision.

It was a ripoff.

There was a huge discount on a local shop at my town. 99% off on everything! Apparently no one came.

I guess no one likes coffins.

Why did the Karen scream at the cashier that buying a lot of something should decrease the total price?

She was trying to get a volume discount.

I haven't seen this one here before

Late one Friday night, John visits the brothel. As he walks in, he is greeted by all the usual faces.

"Hey John, back again?"

"Johnny boy. Must be payday."

So on and so forth.

Then the Madame of the house spots him and hurries over.

"Mr. John. How lovely to...

A Group of Guys Were All Turning 30...

A group of guys were all turning 30, so they decided to go somewhere and celebrate. After some discussion, they finally settled on TJ's Tavern over in Summersville, because the prices were good and it stayed open late.

Ten years later, they were all turning 40, and they thought it might be fu...

A store offered 100% discount to thieves.

Guy tries to take it without paying. I'm sorry sir but you can't steal what's free so you don't get the discount.

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.



“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

Why does Jesus shop at the discount store?

Because Jesus saves

A man walks into a discount brothel

He approaches the counter and asks,

"penny for your thots?"

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What do you call a discounted dildo?

A "Dealdo"

What did ABCDE say when asked about offering the bulk discount for 5$?

"I'm not one to three for $5!"

I just thought this one up and was wondering if you guys could help me fine tune it or decide to abandon it.

I once heard about a pimp that offered discounts on fat chicks.

You know what they say, it's always cheaper to buy in bulk.

I heard people are getting paid to mention companies and do product placement in their Reddit posts!

That's almost as crazy as the discounts at Jez's Furniture Emporium. Sale this weekend

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday....

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on...

I want to open up a discount book store

I’ll call it Food 4 Thought 4 Less

i heard they were giving away batteries down the local discount store

turns out they were free of charge.

What is the worst thing to get a 100% discount on?

A test

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A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

Use 'discount' in a sentence.

Teacher: Johnny, please use "discount" in a sentence.

Johnny: Yes ma'am, "Does discount as a sentence?"

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Asked my friend who works at the tampon store if he could get me a discount

He said he'd pull some strings.

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Discount Air Rides

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed t...

A man's favorite discount

Bra 100% off

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I founded out that my mom was a prostitute

When I asked for a family discount, she said I need to pay full price because I was adopted

I'm really regretting getting that discount circumcision…

…it was a total rip-off!

I only go to brothels when they have discounts

I like getting more bang for my buck

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Use code: “THISISAFUCKINGROBBERY”

in store for a 100% Discount.

What was the slogan at "Discount Doe's" Brothel

"The best damn bang for your buck!"

What do you call a discount sauna?

A steam sale

I went on a first date to the zoo with a nice lass

As we were walking to the entrance I asked her if I could get the tickets but she told me not to worry because she got a staff discount there.

After that she told me about all these incredible animals and I was blown away by the whole experience. Such a beautiful day.

She's a keeper.

There must be a special discount store for plumbers...

There pants are always 50% off

Unfortunate sign in discount warehouse near a retirement community:

Shop till you drop!

A lady picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of...

Why do children in China all have iPhones and wear Nike?

Employee discounts

What do you call a discount for mustard?

A poupon coupon

Did you hear about the discount rabbi for circumcisions?

He'll take up to 10% off.

Did you hear about the discounts at Darth Maul?

I heard they're going to cut the sales by half

A man sees his check engine light come on, and it is also misfiring as well....

He sees a discount car repair place and heads toward it. He sees a sign that says "Free check engine

light reset" but he knows he needs more than that due to the behavior of the car. So, he mentions

what is going on to the front desk clerk and hands over the keys. The man notices a ja...

A guy walks up to the widow at her husband's funeral and says " May I just say one word?"

"Sure," she replies.

"Discount."


The widow says, "Thank you. That means a great deal."

Nows the time to buy!

Use offer code COVID19 and get an 80% discount off your next trip!

A bunch of my friends have started taking drugs and I don't know what to do...

Should I give them a friend's discount or just charge them normal prices?

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A little girl goes to her very busy father to ask various questions

“Papa, Papa!” she calls out to him, “I hate my dance lessons, can I not go today?”

“Quit it. Can’t you tell I’m in a meeting right now? Go talk to your mother,” her father tells her and shoos her from the room.

A little while later the girl returns and says, “Papa, Papa! I found a disc...

The longest circumcision in history

I had this mate and he used to go on about it his job all the time, you know the type? Work, work, work! Well this was particularly annoying in his case, as he was a professional circumciser.

I said to him one day do you enjoy your work? And off he went...

He said yes it’s a fantasti...

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NSFW An Alabama girl comes home...

An Alabama girl comes home from college after dropping out. Her dad answers the door and asks her, “what the hell are you doing here?” She answers that she dropped out of college and wants to become a prostitute, and needs a place to stay. He shouts, “No way in hell are you becoming a prostitute! Th...

The hooker I go to is super cheap,

I get a family discount

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A guy goes to a tailor to buy a suit.

The tailor offers a couple of suits but they are too expensive for his taste.
He was going to leave when the tailor remembered that one custom suit he had made for a guy with one arm and one leg that were shorter than his other arm and leg and he never came in to pick it up.
The suit being a c...

On the anniversary of Harambe's death...

the Cincinnati Zoo should have special deals all day. Discounts for Harambe.

How do you know if a hooker is from Alabama?

She offers a friends and family discount

A supermarket is having a sale

A supermarket is having a sale with everything discounted, so a man went in and bought some dog food. However, upon paying, the cashier insisted that he prove he actually had a dog.

“According to our rule, to buy discounted dog food, you need to prove you’re a dog owner.”
“What kind of rul...

I went to buy an assault rifle today

Astonished by the price, I asked the clerk:

"Do I get a student discount?"

what would you do if your father learned that you are prostuting?

>discount.

What do you get when you cross two siblings from Alabama and an escort business?

A family discount

I went to a Jewish massage parlor and asked my masseuse for a happy ending.

So she gave me a 10% discount off my visit.

Judaism is said to be successful because our religion has a lot of wisdom. Yes, the Jewish people always ask very wise questions...

Such as "Wise this jacket so damn expensive?! Dontcha have a discount for me??"

Why did the Alabama strip club close?

They lost too much money from the family discount.

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

Tips for Buying a Car

A retired older couple returned to a Cadillac dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been keen on buying to a beautiful, leggy blonde in a tight skirt, stiletto heels, and halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply: "Young man, I thought ...

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[NSFW] A female prostitute gives a southern man the time of his life...

When they finish the man asks "Geee Miss, how much do I owe ya?"

The prostitute replies "For you, hon? Only 20 dollars."

The southern man replies, "Well golly, miss. I thought the rate was 50 dollars."

The prostitute looks at the man, smiles and says...

"Not for you, b...

A man passed a shop,where he saw a sign, "Magic Vulture for Sale"

Curious, the man walked into the shop and asked about the bird.

The salesman replied, "This vulture has special powers. Whenever you go shopping, bring it along, and the cashier will give you 90% off!"

"Really? How much does it cost?"

"A million dollars."

The man balked a...

Why did the Blonde bring a ladder to the store?

Because it said "High Discounts".

There was once a college math professor

While he was on tenure, he decided to continue taking classes in other subject areas because they were offered to him at a discounted cost. After 40 years of teaching, the professor decided to retire. Over his time working, he had amassed enough credits to have completed 180 different major programs...

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

Have you heard about the seasonal camping sale?

It is the winter of discount tents!

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So there’s this lady, shopping in a grocery store.

She walks over to the produce section and picks out a nice sized cumber, some large carrots, and a decently sized eggplant. As she continues shopping, she picks up a Barry Manilow cd from the $5 discount bin and a few pumpkin spice scented candles. As she heads to the register she grabs her last ite...

An anti-vax mom is at a cashier

"you should give me a discount! It's my son's 3rd birthday", She says

The cashier then replied "in that case, I'll apply the senior discount"

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I went on a vacation to Taiwan...

I asked around for tourist attractions

A peculiar man came up to me, inquiring about some \*discount\* sex shop

When in Taiwan, am I right? Needless to say I was intrigued.

He said to me, "go down to da beach,

aska bout da tongue twister packege

my friend will mak...

I got slapped in the face for asking a girl if she was interested in one night stand.

Pretty rude, considering I was going to give her a discount on it as well.

Aboriginal Rituals

A couple years back, I stumbled on a surprising reference to the astonishing longevity of Aboriginal shamans living in the Australian outback. Reliable birth records aren't available before the early 20th century, but government officials have noted an astounding number of nonagenarians and centenar...

Happy Valentine's Day

The Restaurant offers 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
It's on the house for anyone who show up with both.

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My collection of elephant jokes

**Q: Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?**

A: Because they're *really* good at it

**Q: Why should you never walk in the jungle between five and six?**

A: Because that's when the elephants get out of the trees.

**Q: Why are there pygmies in the jungle?**
...

I've been trying to sell a rap themed shirt with the greatest disses of all time on it, but apparently it's not selling well.

I'll have to up the discount.

The agent of a beautiful actress discovered that the actress had been selling her body for $100 a night.

The agent, who had fantasised about her for long, had never dreamt that she was so easily obtainable. He approached her and told her how much she turned him on and how he wanted to do her.

She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay the same $100 other customers...

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