This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I mean, I still do, but I used to, too.

A man loses his hat and decides the easiest way to get another one is to steal it.

He goes to the church cloakroom to get a hat. A sermon about the Ten Commandments was going on. The man pauses to listen and then changes his mind. On nearing the exit, he runs into the pastor.

He says, "I came here with sin in my heart. I must say, you saved me from crime."

The pastor...

My dad said he'll kick me out for stealing from his kitchen

Well that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

I got caught stealing a killer whale made of mahogany.

That's orca wood.

A robber was preparing to break into a butcher's to steal meat.

He decided not to in the end, as the stakes were too high.

My best friend went to prison because he kept stealing things from people's gardens. He was just released but my wife told me not to invite him to our BBQ next week.

I feel a bit bad. I hope he doesn't take a fence.

Why did the mexican man steal a train?

Well he had loco-motives

Did that horse steal my thesaurus?

Horse: "Nope"

How do you steal from a fence?

You picket's pockets

What do you call someone that steals your soap?

A dirty criminal

Everytime I get off the couch my dog steals my spot.

He pretends he’s dozed off so I won’t make him move.

I‘d call him out for it but id rather let “sleeping” dogs lie.

I joined a crime syndicate that steals and counterfeits valuable art

I don’t like what they do, I’m just in it for the Monet

WANTED: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars

It’s safe to say the police are working tirelessly to catch him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear got the habit to steal mead from one bee-garden

Owner doesn't know what to do: as soon as he gets the gun out, bear climbs to a large tree and can't be reached. One day beekeeper sees advertisement in a local paper: will help with any animals. He calls the number, and over an hour hefty man arrives with a shovel and tiny white dog. This is Snowfl...

I was surprised when I discovered my roommate was stealing from driving school

But to be honest I should have seen all the signs

I decided against breaking into the Home Depot to steal their largest egg beater...

It was too big a whisk

A guy shocked himself trying to steal an electric car.

He was charged with battery.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

I love stealing but it gives me severe diarrhea.

So I take klepto bismol.

My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two criminals break into a drugstore and steal all the Viagra. The store owners call the police and they put out an alert.

An officer in the vicinity turns to his partner and says “Alright, we’re looking for two hardened criminals”

Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I confessed to my therapist that I've been stealing other people's Bitcoin.

He says I'm his first cryptomaniac.

Batman does not like stealing or cheating….

I’m pretty certain he also doesn’t like Robin

What do the police do if you steal soup?

They arrestew.

What do you call a duck that steals the letters A, E, I, O, and U?

A foul vowel fowl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor told me he’s close to figuring out who’s been stealing his clothes

I almost crapped his pants when he said that

Does your wife occasionally steal money from you?

Mine does. So sometimes, I let her have it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

Steal a man's wallet and he will be broke for a week

Give a man a lego passion and he will be broke for a lifetime

I got caught trying to steal a hairpiece.

There was a price toupee.

I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

So me and Death are trying to steal a sofa from a warehouse

The guard caught us and told us if we took the sofa there would be repercussions from it.

A man, who is a chef likes to steal utensils

The first he steals a big wooden spoon.

The second time he steals a plastic spatula.

This time the boss notices and says "Next time I catch you stealing, I will have you fired".

The man thinks that is a whisk I am willing to take.

The other day I was travelling down one of those spiral type car parks. As I set off, on the top floor, I spotted someone smashing a car window and attempting to steal the radio. On the 2nd floor I saw a youth key right down the side of another car.

On the bottom floor, I saw a couple throw a load of rubbish out of their car window....I couldn't believe my eyes.


It was just wrong on so many levels!

I was chased down by a cop for stealing. Then I hid in a outdoor bathtub and he never found me

I call that a clean getaway

Did you hear about the 2 guys who tried to steal a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

Never Steal.

The government hates competition.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men, Joe and bob, both virgins, died and went to heaven.

God introduces them to the heaven!
“Congrats, you get to enjoy eternal life in heaven.
But you have one rule, never eat apples from the forbidden tree” As god pointed to the tree full of delicious apples.

“Uh, what happens if someone eats from it?” Asked Joe.
God replies, “well, um,...

I don’t understand how do people steal jobs

Like I’ve never seen a Mexican walking in a restaurant and be like “ay gimme the dishes”.

I’m a kleptomaniac with a proclivity for stealing strategy board games.

I like to take Risks.

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

I got caught stealing kitchen utensils from my friend’s house.

I guess it was a whisk I was willing to take.

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

A man from Saudia Arabia got caught stealing a hand sanitizer

He wont be needing it anymore

A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"

"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

How did the bald man live after he got caught stealing a wig?

He lived toupee.

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

Old Man sitting on his porch a kid walks by dragging a heavy steal chain.

The old man say, Hey Kid why are you dragging that chain around ?


The kid says, Have you ever tried to push one

If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal?

Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection.

I'm thinking of making an app that steals from the poor and gives to the rich...

I'm gonna call it 'Robbin' the hood'

There was a man lost his favorite hat.

There was a man lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher saw him walk in, and escorted him directly to a pew. The man was too embarrassed to get up right away, so he sat and listened ...

3 Un Jokes of the day

What did one Frenchmen say to the other? I don't speak French and would like to know.

A Bear walks into a bar and the patrons leave slowly noticing the situation could be potentially dangerous.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor in the tall corn; Where is my Tractor....

I was awoken last night by a person stealing my gate.

I did not say anything in case they took a fence!

Two drunk men were walking down the road when they see a nice house..

Carl goes 'Eh, I bet we can push that'
John goes 'Yeaah but let's take our shirts off so we don't get paint on them'

They take their shirts off and hang them off a tree branch and start pushing.... the building.

A thief comes and steals their shirts...

*3 minutes later*
...

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

Satan got angry

satan got very angry till he started shouting and screaming so he was asked what happened to him

he replied " I keep tempting humans to steal and cheat others but after they get rich they start thanking god for the what they have, heck I was the one who got them there "

They claimed I'd never steal their eyes...

If only they could see me now!

Did you hear about the Italian tourist who got caught stealing in Iraq?

Probably not. He lost his voice.

TIL if someone steals uranium, it becomes...

...theiranium.

Do you know why they called it TikTok?

Cos in just a matter of seconds it steals all your data!

One morning, a priest gives a sermon on the Seven Deadly Sins

After the sermon, a guy goes up to the priest and says, "Father, thank you so much for giving that sermon. It meant so much to me, and I'll tell you why. I lost my hat last week and I couldn't find it anywhere. I finally decided to steal a new one from the store, but now that I heard your sermon, I'...

I was on trial for stealing a man's luggage.

It was a briefcase.

What do you call a headache caused my someone stealing your wheat

My-grain

Barry worked in a gold mine

He was ready to leave his gold mining days behind, as his retirement was coming up in a couple of months.

One day, he was leaving work, pushing a wheelbarrow that had a box in it.

The guard noticed the box, and suspiciously asked, "Hey, Barry. What's in the box?"

"Nothing", murm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between becoming a famous stand-up comedian by your own devices vs stealing your jokes?

One is luck n' fame, the other is fuckin' lame.

How do you steal a coat from Walmart?

You Jacket.

Sandbox games

The newlyweds and young parents in town discover that the fine sand in the nearby nature resort makes for excellent sandbox sand. So people go in to get a big cart of sand and make some cheap garden sandboxes for their children. The park rangers forbid this and nobody can steal sand anymore. This gu...

What if someone were to steal the Large Hadron Collider?

It would be a matter of 'great con-CERN'.

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"

Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"

Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with al...

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

*Their words, not mine.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FUCK! I got caught stealing this iphone

Looks like I'm facing time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Over the last few months I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping at Home Depot.

Simply going out to get supplies


has turned out to be very traumatic for me. Don't be


naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your


friends. Here's how the scam works:


Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over

...

The staff of this liquor store called the cops on me for stealing Whisky and Vodka.

I don't understand. I was only lifting their spirits.

Two guys keep getting thrown out of bars.

'You LUNATIC! What is that, five times now!? Whenever we're out drinking, if the bartender's got a rifle or a pistol or whatever, you try to steal it! And we both get thrown out! What is WRONG with you!?'

'Well, I'm a smart shopper.'

'WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?'...

"Look Ma, no hands!"

Saudi Mother: "I did warn you about stealing!"

A magical spanish thief was caught trying to steal an early work of a famous artist

In his defeat, he declared they could keep the work, but he would set himself free on the count of three. He said "Uno...Dos...." and then poof, he vanished without a trace.

I have an addiction to stealing traffic signs.

But I can STOP whenever I want to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in tr...

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.

I told him, "Mark, my words!"

I try to steal jokes but I never get the punchline quite right

Anyway, two engineers tied a blonde to a flagpole or something

Steal a man's wallet a day, he will be poor...

...for that day. Return it the next day with a poked hole in the condom from his wallet and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:

"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.

Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

Why should we steal a news van?

Because no one could report it!

Robin Hood doesn't always have to steal from the rich and give to the poor...

...it sherwood help though.

What do you call reusing someone else’s dad joke?

Puns of steal.

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

Wanted: A man has been stealing toilet seats from all the police precincts.

Currently the police have nothing to go on

I’d been stealing my wife’s deodorants for months before I got caught.

She said “please stop keeping Secrets from me”

For those who dare steal Death's pillows..

Prepare yourself for the reaper cushions

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Today I called someone out for trying to steal

I love being an umpire

A man gets caught stealing supplies to build a fence, what is he charged with?

Criminal offences

A guy lost his hat and decides to jsut steal one

He figures best place is church as there are plenty of people and hats are hanging from racks. But he decides to listen to sermon instead. After the sermon he approaches the minister and says "You know, I came here to steal a hat. But I heard you preach about 10 Commandments and I changed my mind." ...

A serial burglar goes on a spree

A serial burglar goes on a spree, robbing homes in an affluent neighborhood. Day after day he steals thousands of dollars worth of jewelry, cash, and other small easily transportable valuables. No one can figure out how he does it because half the time the victims are home at the time, but they neve...

A man in Florida has been caught on CCTV stealing police car tyres.

Police are reported to be working tirelessly to catch the thief.

Some guy has been stealing Iphones all over town, I hope they catch him.

He is going to face time soon.

People keep saying I suck at comedy because I keep stealing punchlines...

To get to the other side!

I told my wife I was going for a walk, but as soon as I got outside, some thugs jumped out of the bushes and tried to steal my wallet.

I ran back into the house and locked the door.

"So, how was your walk", she asked.

"I didn't go, it's way too muggy."

I may be a thief, but I would never steal a ruler...

That’s where I draw the line.

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.

As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud smack!

The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."

The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried t...

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.