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BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker

but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Old Man sitting on his porch a kid walks by dragging a heavy steal chain.

The old man say, Hey Kid why are you dragging that chain around ?


The kid says, Have you ever tried to push one

My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal?

Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection.

Steal a man’s wallet and he’ll be poor for a day.

But teach him to play an instrument and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life.

A man from Saudia Arabia got caught stealing a hand sanitizer

He wont be needing it anymore

They claimed I'd never steal their eyes...

If only they could see me now!

The staff of this liquor store called the cops on me for stealing Whisky and Vodka.

I don't understand. I was only lifting their spirits.

Did you hear about the 2 guys that got caught stealing a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

What if someone were to steal the Large Hadron Collider?

It would be a matter of 'great con-CERN'.

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

I have an addiction to stealing traffic signs.

But I can STOP whenever I want to.

How did America steal the name for football?

They grabbed it and ran

My mum warned me not to steal any of her kitchen utensils. Little did she know..

it is a whisk i am willing to take...

My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters

But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk"

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

Steal a man's wallet a day, he will be poor...

...for that day. Return it the next day with a poked hole in the condom from his wallet and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.

I told him, "Mark, my words!"

There's a man in the town who's stealing wheels of police cars..

The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

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One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

Why should we steal a news van?

Because no one could report it!

"Did you steal my thesaurus?" I asked the horse.

Horse: Nope.

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What do you call someone who steals viagra?

A hardened criminal.

For those who dare steal Death's pillows..

Prepare yourself for the reaper cushions

How do you steal a coat?

You jacket.

There is a guy that keeps stealing iPhones

I'm sure he will soon FaceTime!

A man gets caught stealing supplies to build a fence, what is he charged with?

Criminal offences

Today I called someone out for trying to steal

I love being an umpire

Who steals soap?

Dirty thieves, that's who!

Tow monkeys head out to steal fruits from a nearby farm, monkey1 tells monkey2 to stay under the tree, and watch for the farmer

while monkey1 hop on the tree and start eating, the plan was when he finishes, they swap positions,

as monkey2 got distracted, the farmer saw them and quietly snuck and captured him, put him in a cloth sack he was carrying, and beaten the bananas out of monkey2 then released it, seeing all th...

I was stealing kitchen utensils last night...

And I barely made it out without getting caught. But it was a whisk I was willing to take.

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I have been stealing my dad’s Viagra

It has helped a lot, but it feels like such a big dick move..

Robin Hood doesn't always have to steal from the rich and give to the poor...

...it sherwood help though.

TIL if someone steals uranium, it becomes...

...theiranium.

A magical spanish thief was caught trying to steal an early work of a famous artist

In his defeat, he declared they could keep the work, but he would set himself free on the count of three. He said "Uno...Dos...." and then poof, he vanished without a trace.

How do you steal an entire flight of stairs overnight?

One step at a time.

People keep saying I suck at comedy because I keep stealing punchlines...

To get to the other side!

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in tr...

I’d been stealing my wife’s deodorants for months before I got caught.

She said “please stop keeping Secrets from me”

A guy lost his hat and decides to jsut steal one

He figures best place is church as there are plenty of people and hats are hanging from racks. But he decides to listen to sermon instead. After the sermon he approaches the minister and says "You know, I came here to steal a hat. But I heard you preach about 10 Commandments and I changed my mind." ...

No stealing!!

So I saw a sweet little girl in the park selling cupcakes so I purchased one and as I savoured it's flavor I asked her," don't you ever get tempted to take one of them?" She looked at me in shock,"no! That would be stealing. I only lick them and put them right back."

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.

He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."

The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...

Reasons for stealing

Pointing to the captured thief, the owner of the supermarket said to the policeman who came to investigate: "He stole the chocolate on the supermarket shelf and didn't pay the money, so I caught him."



The policeman asked the thief: "Why steal supermarket goods?"



The thi...

I told my wife I was going for a walk, but as soon as I got outside, some thugs jumped out of the bushes and tried to steal my wallet.

I ran back into the house and locked the door.

"So, how was your walk", she asked.

"I didn't go, it's way too muggy."

My friend said “I bet you £50 you can’t steal a boat”...

I decided to take a punt.

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

Wanted: A man has been stealing toilet seats from all the police precincts.

Currently the police have nothing to go on

What do you call a pirate who steals other peoples prosthetic limbs?

A peg-leg bootlegger

Some guy has been stealing Iphones all over town, I hope they catch him.

He is going to face time soon.

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The only app I want stealing my personal data is Pornhub.

Their 'recommended for you' section is always lit!

a man has been stealing tires from the cops

I guess you could say the cops are tirelessly looking for him.

I may be a thief, but I would never steal a ruler...

That’s where I draw the line.

[OC] What did the farmer say after getting a headache from people stealing his wheat

Migraines!

I try to steal jokes but I never get the punchline quite right

Anyway, two engineers tied a blonde to a flagpole or something

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Two Catholic Priests...

Two Catholic Priests live on the opposite sides of town, and pass each other on their bikes on the way to Sunday Mass. One day, one of the priests was walking. So the other priest stopped.
"Father, where is your bike at?" "Well, I think it was stolen, and I don't know what to do."
The one prie...

I started stealing peoples drinks at Starbucks just to see how it feels

Not my cup of tea

If you’re ever trying to do something unexpected, don’t steal someone’s abacus.

They’ll be counting on that.

A little old lady

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, rea...

What did the angry man steal?

He took a fence

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

*Their words, not mine.*

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Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

Dumb blond male.

There are three construction workers, a Mexican, an African American & a blond Caucasian. When lunch time comes, the construction workers are sitting on a steel beam 30 stories high about to enjoy their food.

The blond opens his lunchbox and is angered to find yet another bologna &...

A Trump supporter dies and is standing in front of God

God: is there anything I can do for you?

Trump Supporter: can you tell me if the Democrats stole the election?

God: of course not, the Democrats didn’t steal the election!

Trump Supporter: Gasp! The Deep State goes higher than I thought!

Whatever you may say,Amy Schumer is extremely talented

I mean, who can steal jokes from others and still remain unfunny.

I just killed a big spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big a spider is, nobody steals my shoe.

A worker was suspected of stealing

Every day the security guys would check his wheelbarrow when he was leaving the factory site. They never found anything. It took them weeks to realize that he was stealing wheelbarrows.

A cowboy walks into a bar and brings his pet alligator with him.

He places the alligator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“You are about to see something amazing,” the cowboy announced. “This alligator is specially trained. I’m going to take out my junk and he will bite down on it and still leave it completely unscathed. In return for this s...

A man in Florida has been caught on CCTV stealing police car tyres.

Police are reported to be working tirelessly to catch the thief.

My roommate has been stealing my stuff recently. I did a good job at ignoring it, until he stole the only drinking utensil I had left.

I finally snapped and yelled “That’s the last straw!”

My friend was unconvinced when I told him someone keeps stealing soil from his allotment.

I thought he’d lost the plot.

Now someone keeps adding more and more.

The plot thickens.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

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The Singing Blowjob

One day coming home Johnny saw a sign for Singing Blowjob.

Curious, he enters the building. Inside there is a plain desk with a glass of water on it. Nervously, he asks the good-looking woman there about the Singing Blowjob.

She immediately gets him to sit down and relax. She says yes,...

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:

"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

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Lady from Nextdoor just knocked and accused me of stealing washing from her line.

I was so intimidated I tell you, I nearly pissed her pants.

A conjurer was caught stealing in Saudi Arabia.

It's ok, he can still do amazing feets of magic.

I didn’t want to believe my friend was stealing from the road construction site.

But I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there.

What does a Muslim child say after being caught stealing for the second time?

"Look mom, no hands."

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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

What is it called when you steal a rich person's dinner rolls?

Highfalutin gluten lootin'

Common English Mistakes

Common English Mistakes

-mixing up there, their, and they're

-using the wrong too, to, or two

-putting commas in the wrong place

-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches

-using apostrophes for plurals

i used to steal jokes

i still do, but i used to too

I'm done stealing. I took an oath today.

But I swear I will give it back.

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

People in glass houses...

A pacific island tribal king was infamous for conquering surrounding islands and stealing the defeated king’s throne, and then stowing it, like a trophy, in the attic of his grass hut.

One day when sitting on his throne in said grass hut, the ceiling collapses under the weight of his trophie...

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Deaf Man Steals Chicken

There once was a deaf man named Jeff who lived in the countryside. He had this neighbor, Brad, who raised some chickens in his front yard.

One day, Jeff was was walking by his neighbor's house and saw one fat juicy chicken that caught his eye. Seeing that there was no one around, Jeff stole ...

I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.

Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.

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The Donald Went Down to Georgia

The Donald went down to Georgia.

He was lookin' for a vote to steal.

He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind.

He was willing to make a deal

When he came across this old man givin' a speech and doin' it hot.

And the Donald jumped upon a hickory stump and said "Man...

what do you call 2 brothers from alabama

super smash bros



(i thought of this joke last week, i know its not that good, but at least i didnt steal it)

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

I caught my wife cheating. This isn’t the first time. I have asked her to leave the family home. I have filled for divorce and will ask for full custody of the kids and the dog. I thought 2020 couldn’t get much worse.

Hopefully this is the last time she steals monopoly money, when playing as the banker.

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks: “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

The lawyer answers: “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast fro...

My uncle went to prison for stealing a board game

He got life.

Not everyone can steal a tree

But some just maple it off

How do you prevent someone from stealing your bagel?

You put lox on it!

Food is getting so scarce, I just followed a squirrel so I could steal his nuts.

It was a lot of work for two small pieces of meat.

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

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A coffin thief's dying request to his son

So a coffin thief is on his death bed and his son asks if there is anything he'd like his son to do.

He says I've spent my life stealing coffins and unfortunately, I've earned a very bad reputation along the way. However, he wants people to remember him in good words. He dies shortly thereaft...

Why are African memes the easiest to steal?

Well, none of them have a watermark...

I’ve been very thorough with my escapade of stealing government signs.

We’ve been pulling out all the stops.

Check out my new OC superhero (do not steal).

**Lysol Man!**


His blood is made of disinfectants and he's very, very sick.

Heard police caught a guy trying to steal all the head statues at the museum

Apparently he got busted

A woman in court for stealing a tin of peaches....

The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?

She replied "four, your honour".

The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.

Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "she stole a tin of pe...

Did you hear about the dolphin who steals swimtrucks?

He does it on porpoise.

why did you steal a car

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

I told my friend I was going to steal his eyeballs...

Because I wanted to rob him blind.

I was just told I should not steal other people's jokes

I never new...

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project.

When NASA was preparing, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the ...

Han Solo keeps taunting he'll steal cars...

...he's harassin' Ford!

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What do you call the person who steals from black people?

Robbin Hood

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