I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.

Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.

I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics.

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids.

It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back.

It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

There's only one candle store I won't steal from.

John's Wicks

What do you call it when a Bayern footballer steals from a French bank?

A Franc Robbery

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

What do you call someone who steals from libraries?

A tome raider.

What happens when someone steals uranium

It becomes theiranium

What do you call it when a black guy steals from his wealthy neighbors?

Robbin' Hood.

Joe walked into a guitar shop looking to steal an instrument, hoping to go unnoticed.

Having run into problems with Joe in the past, the manager followed him and caught Joe trying to steal.

He grabbed him in the act and said, “I’m giving you a ban, Joe!”

To which Joe replied, “Awesome! I love banjos!”

So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard

'Twas saucepicious

Two officers receive a call about a man who attempted to steal a brief case, but immediately felt remorse and abandoned the area. The officers arrive on the scene to investigate.

“Open and shut case Johnson”

Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair.

When questioned by the press, the owner said, "When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!"

I was going to steal a coat today

But I didn't have it in me to jacket.

My wife warned me not to steal kitchen utensils

But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

A man was shot dead today by police after attempting to steal a comedians notebook.

Some people just can’t take jokes!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The black Jew

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?”

The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?”

“Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or if I should just s...

Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.

The government hates competition.

I never thought my dad ad would steal from his job as a road worker...

but when I got home I found all the signs...

"I'm gonna steal her heart.."

Is not that romantic when you say it during a surgery.

They told me to go to the zoo and steal as many bears as I could

I got away with the bear minimum

What is it called when one biologist steals a petri dish from another biologist?

Cultural appropriation.

You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons.

Isn’t that Ionic?

Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

What do you call an idiot who steals prescription drugs from pharmacies?

An oxy-moron

If you steal something, that’s one thing

If you steal something else, that’s another thing

What does The Hulk say when someone tries to steal his mashed potatoes?

HULKS MASH!!

NSFW What do you call a guy who steals condoms?

A cheap f#cker.

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same...

Why did you steal the car?

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do sewers have locks on them?

So people won't steal your shit.

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg's jokes

I still do, but I used to too

Some guy tried to steal my recipe for Indian bread.

I told him: “It’s naan of your business.”

Q. Why did the girl steal her boyfriend's wheelchair after she dumped him?

A. Because she wanted him to come crawling back to her.

I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.

Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.

What do you get if you steal the same joke every day for a month?

About 3K karma, 30 gold, hate from u/i_8_the_Internet, and a ban from r/jokes.

Why did the Mexican try to steal a train?

No one knows the reason, but he obviously had a loco-motive.

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

If you advertise your big new TV by putting the box out in the trash, I'm gonna steal it.

My cardboard fort only needs a few more pieces.

Last week while going on a walk I saw a guy trying to steal a woman purse and I knew what I had to do...

I ran towards them as fast as I could and trust me we stole her purse

I've always wanted to steal a huge kitchen utensil...

But I feel like I'd be taking a pretty big whisk.

I told my friend, "Someone tried to steal my Embarrassing Bodies trophy."

"Bloody hell, you need eyes in the back of your head these days," he replied.

I said, "Just as well I do, then."

Have you heard of this medicine that makes people steal things?

It's called Klepto-Bismol.

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man breaks into a house and starts examining valuable things to steal. He hears a screechy voice saying "God is watching you!"

He goes into another room and hears the same voice say "God is watching you!".

Then he goes into another room and, once again, hears "God is watching you!". At that point, he asks "And who are you?"

The voice responds by saying "Johnny Cash. I'm a parrot."

The burglar asks "What...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Who is someone who always steals your shit and gets no punishment even when exposed?

A reposter

Two little boys steal a big bag of oranges from the neighbour

They decide to find a quiet place to split up the lot. One of them suggests the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate two oranges fell out of the bag, but they didn’t bother to stop and pick them up since they had plenty in the bag.

A few minutes later a drunkard walks by the c...

What do you call someone who steals energy?

A Joule thief.

​

A blonde, brunette, and ginger steal from a bank....

They run and hide in a nearby farm while they're being chased by the cops. The three women hide behind a cow, pig, and potatoes.

The officer crashes through the barn doors and turns on his flashlight to look for the women. He shines the light on the cow where the ginger is and the woman says,...

I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

Why did the thief steal the space bars?

Because he needed more room.

Jerusalem has a lot of petty crime. Thieves will steal anything not nailed down.

...which is why they even had to nail down Jesus.

There are three monsters that live in my house and steal all of my money,

I like to call them, “the accidents,” but my wife insists on calling them our children.

Someone tried to steal my dyslexia music collection

I nearly lost my hits

Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye

Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.

My friend keeps lying about how he didn't steal my sleeping pills

Whatever helps him sleep at night.

It's never a good idea to steal a periodic table

Coppers always Cu

Two men steal food delivery trucks,

Later they get pulled over by the police who recognized the stolen trucks.
They get the first man out and start punishing him by putting the olives that were in the truck inside his ass.
The man starts laughing and can't control himself, so a policeman shouts at him " WHAT'S SO FUNNY ? "
Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys are attempting to steal fruit from a farmers huge orchard

The farmer catches them and, holding them at gunpoint, makes a deal. They’re to go out and find three of any fruit and bring it back to him.

The first guy gets back with three apples and the farmer tells him “if you can shove all three up your ass I’ll give you all the food you can eat, but ...

Told my boss my idea for a game where the user would steal an idol from a cave monster.

He told me to run with it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, slutty, and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

They say that good artists borrow but great artists steal

Anyways, that's how I got banned from the Louvre.

Why do thieves prefer to steal Android phones over iPhones?

Because they like to Hangout and not FaceTime.

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

Remember, if a man steals your wife

the best revenge that you can have is to let him keep her.