UPJOKE
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Steal Jokes

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do. But I used to too.

What are you stealing?

I worked at a factory making furniture. Every night I would leave the gate with a wheelbarrow full of sawdust and every night the factory guard checked through the sawdust as I left, looking for what I might be stealing… but I was too cleaver, he never found anything!

After 20 years, the guar...

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters...

But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk"

A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests...

Two guys were arrested for stealing a calendar

they each got six months.

I'm so sorry....

Steal a man’s wallet, and he’ll be poor for a day…

Teach him to play an instrument, and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life

A man who lost his hat decided the easiest way to replace it was to steal it.

So he goes to the local church in search of a hat. A sermon about the ten commandments was going on as he made his way to the cloakroom. He stopped, thought for a moment, and changed his mind.

Upon seeing the pastor, the man walks up to him and says, "Father, I must say, your sermon saved me ...

My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

Who would steal an artificial leg?

***I'm stumped.***

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday

it was a risk I was willing to take

I steal candy bars using slight of hand...

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

Ohio is stealing my life story

A series of train wrecks in an already depressed area

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:

"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

I got arrested at Target for stealing a kitchen utensil once.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

my friend was arrested for stealing luggage from airport, his trial didn't last more than an hour

It was a brief case

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

This guy kept trying to steal my oak bumblebee sculptures...

but I finally caught the would-be thief.

How does a coat steal something?

They jacket

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

Their words — not mine…

I don't like the word "steal".

I prefer "buy none get one free".

Stealing guitars

Judge: It appears you were caught stealing guitars. Are you a first offender?

Defendant: No, it was a Gibson, then a fender.

I should steal a news van. It's the perfect crime.

How are they gonna report it?

Why didn’t the ghost get arrested for stealing?

Because possession is nine tenths of the law.

What do you call a duck that steals?

A robber duck.

You say you never steal movie quotes?

Be a lot cooler if you did.

Why shouldn’t you steal from a family in Alabama?

Because their kids might have eyes in the back of their heads

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
  

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

A Steal !

A well-executed theft without any fingerprints is a stainless steal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

Why don't Deontologists lie, cheat, steal or kill?



They just Kant.

Did you hear about the man who was fired for Stealing potatoes?

He got the sack

A man attempted to steal from a bookstore by hiding a book in his shirt.

One of the customers, and off-duty judge, saw him and ratted him out. Moral of the story: Don't cover a book by the judge.

What do you call a man who steals a lot?

Rob

A man from Saudia Arabia got caught stealing a hand sanitizer

He wont be needing it anymore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who steals viagra?

A hardened criminal.

It won't be easy to tell that I started stealing stuff I find on the street,

but there will be signs.

Why do thieves prefer to steal Android phones over iPhones?

Because they like to Hangout and not FaceTime.

A barista was accused of stealing coffee beans by his boss.

However, when they looked into the case, they found that there were no grounds to press charges.

In the 1930s, a farmer attempted to steal cows from a neighbouring farm.

He became a bit of a local legend. No one knew exactly why he stole them, and we still don’t know to this day. Some say he was just in a desperate situation, some say these cows had been abused and that he was rescuing them, some say he was just a greedy old farmer.

He attempted this great bo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To whoever keeps stealing the urine samples...

Can you please stop taking the piss.

How did the emperor steal Theseus's ship?

By replacing one piece at a time!

I heard on the news that there is a guy stealing tires from police cars.

I understand the police are working tirelessly to solve the crime.

If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal?

Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection.

In other news..... Police arrested a musician for stealing

Police apprehended a musician for stealing the right half of the piano.

He was in treble.

Bards don't steal.

They Lute.

I was proven not guilty for allegedly stealing kitchen utensils, mostly colanders.

There were too many holes in the evidence

A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.

At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."

The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
...

Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

Did that horse steal my thesaurus?

Horse: "Nope"

What weighs more? A pound of steal, or a pound of feathers?

The feathers. Because you need to add the weight of what you’ve done.

I know it's dangerous to steal from a kitchen supply store...

But when you've got cakes to bake, that's the whisk you take.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

Never Steal.

The government hates competition.

Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye

Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.

A food critic was stealing pie-making recipes

A food critic was stealing pie-making recipes in the guise of rating and reviewing pies from various bakeries.



She was Pie-rating.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommates don't know I've been stealing all the soap for lube to masturbate with ...

But eventually I'm going to have to come clean.

what do you call people that steal from music shops?

Luters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men break into the drugstore and steal viagra.

Police are now on the lookout for two hardened criminals.


\-Not my joke

After 19 days of stealing Putin's tanks.

Ukrainian farmers are now the fifth largest military in Europe.

What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea

Plaguegiarism

Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me

TIL if someone steals uranium, it becomes...

...theiranium.

Why was the thief unsuccessful in stealing some aluminium?

His plans were foiled

When one illusionist accuses another one of stealing one of his tricks...

It's up to the accuser to provide evidence before the magician's counsil that he came up with the illusion first.
It's called the burden of poof.

How do you steal from a fence?

You picket's pockets

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.

I told her that made me feel bad, really bad, like bad, so bad, not good, and just... bad.

She then apologized.

What do you call someone who steals noodles from the rich and gives them to the poor?

Ramen Hood

Why didn't the bank robbers steal the car?

Because it was too heavy and made their arms hurt.

The little black jewish boy...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

I was arrested for stealing board games, in my defence...

In life, you should take risks.

Police Station: You admit having broken into the same dress shop four times. What did you steal?”

“A dress for my wife, but she made me change it three times.”

I found a website that steals jokes from Reddit.

I know they are doing it because I kept seeing variations of the same joke repeated over and over again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man badly damaged his dick in an accident

The surgeon says “we’ve developed a new technique that can rebuild your penis, using a section of an elephant’s trunk”; so the guy decides to go ahead.

The operation is a great success. A couple of weeks later, he’s having dinner at a restaurant with his wife. Suddenly his dick bursts out of ...

if I keep stealing kitchen utensils, I may be labeled a thief.

But it's a whisk I'm going to have to take.

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

Can't decide if I want to steal some bikes or visit a heavy metal legend..

Either way I'm going to rob Halfords

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute na...

Someone tried to steal some steel

Ironic, isn’t it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

Who steals soap?

Dirty thieves, that's who!

No stealing!!

So I saw a sweet little girl in the park selling cupcakes so I purchased one and as I savoured it's flavor I asked her," don't you ever get tempted to take one of them?" She looked at me in shock,"no! That would be stealing. I only lick them and put them right back."

Why did the mexican man steal a train?

Well he had loco-motives

Did you hear about the man that trespassed on his neighbor's property to steal mushrooms?

Turns out he has bad morals.

A robber was preparing to break into a butcher's to steal meat.

He decided not to in the end, as the stakes were too high.

What did little Abdhul say to his Mom after he was caught stealing the second time?

"Look Ma, no hands!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

Does your wife occasionally steal money from you?

Mine does. So sometimes, I let her have it!

A guy shocked himself trying to steal an electric car.

He was charged with battery.

What do you call a scientist that steals energy?

A joule thief.

You wouldn't steal a gate.

So why would you take offense?

Not everyone can steal a tree

But some just maple it off

I’ve been warned many times about the dangers of stealing kitchen utensils.

But that’s a wisk I’m willing to take

They claimed I'd never steal their eyes...

If only they could see me now!

Two thieves were looking to steal a briefcase of money in a room full of luggage.

The first thief picked one up and asked “Is this it?”

The second thief replied “It seems to be the case.”

I wish people would stop jumping on James Corden for stealing Ricky Gervais' joke....

This could permanently damage his career, and we need to remember he's got a wife and three chins to support.

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

What do the police do if you steal soup?

They arrestew.

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