UPJOKE
liftsneakpilferlootburglarizethieveburgleshopliftrobembezzleplunderbuyslipmoneygrab

I didn't wanna believe that my dad was stealing from his work as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do. But I used to too.

You say you never steal movie quotes?

Be a lot cooler if you did.

A food critic was stealing pie-making recipes

A food critic was stealing pie-making recipes in the guise of rating and reviewing pies from various bakeries.



She was Pie-rating.

Police Station: You admit having broken into the same dress shop four times. What did you steal?”

“A dress for my wife, but she made me change it three times.”

My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters...

But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk"

How did the emperor steal Theseus's ship?

By replacing one piece at a time!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

I wish people would stop jumping on James Corden for stealing Ricky Gervais' joke....

This could permanently damage his career, and we need to remember he's got a wife and three chins to support.

The Florida man accused of stealing a truck full of $75,000 with of Campbell's soup is finally going to trial...

I, for one, hope they lock him up for M'm! M'm! Good!!!

Why was the thief unsuccessful in stealing some aluminium?

His plans were foiled

What do you call when you steal all the chairs in Mexico

A Mexican standoff

I’ve been warned many times about the dangers of stealing kitchen utensils.

But that’s a wisk I’m willing to take

Hey, did you hear about the Star Wars fanatic who's been stealing autograph books and photo albums from other fans at conventions?

They call him the fan-tome menace.

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

Their words — not mine…

A Steal !

A well-executed theft without any fingerprints is a stainless steal.

Did you hear about the man that trespassed on his neighbor's property to steal mushrooms?

Turns out he has bad morals.

Can't decide if I want to steal some bikes or visit a heavy metal legend..

Either way I'm going to rob Halfords

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Final Cake Day joke] A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.


The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.


He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to tak...

I got arrested at Target for stealing a kitchen utensil once.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

What do you call an Italian cook who steals from his restaurant?

a penne pincher

My friend and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most items from the pet shop.

I've just taken the lead.

What did the Muslim child say to his mother after it had been caught stealing the second time?

"Look mom, no hands."

Two thieves were looking to steal a briefcase of money in a room full of luggage.

The first thief picked one up and asked “Is this it?”

The second thief replied “It seems to be the case.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had no idea how serious stealing sheep in new zealand was.

Until i got charged for sex trafficing.

Two guys were arrested for stealing a calendar

they each got six months.

I'm so sorry....

What weighs more? A pound of steal, or a pound of feathers?

The feathers. Because you need to add the weight of what you’ve done.

What do you call someone who steals noodles from the rich and gives them to the poor?

Ramen Hood

A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.

At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."

The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
...

what do you call people that steal from music shops?

Luters.

A thief was sentenced today for stealing a calendar

They got 12 months

I was arrested for stealing board games, in my defence...

In life, you should take risks.

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus…

I was aghast, appalled, and dismayed.

I know it's dangerous to steal from a kitchen supply store...

But when you've got cakes to bake, that's the whisk you take.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

if I keep stealing kitchen utensils, I may be labeled a thief.

But it's a whisk I'm going to have to take.

Did you hear about a man who got arrested for stealing hats?

He hat it coming.

If I have three bags of sour skittles and a child steals one bag of my sour skittles. What will I have at the end of the day?

Three bags of skittles and a small body to hide.

After 19 days of stealing Putin's tanks.

Ukrainian farmers are now the fifth largest military in Europe.

Jesus is watching you

A burglar had just broken into a house and was stealing anything he could get his hand on. Then he heard a voice. It said, "Jesus is watching you."

Thinking it's in his head he continues on his business. Then he hears it again, "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar not very religious bu...

The preacher's sermon was about the ten commandments.



When he got to "thou shalt not steal", he noticed that Scott was looking all around him, but when he got to "thou shalt not commit adultery", Scott started smiling.

After the service the preacher asked Scott what he was thinking during the sermon. Scott said, "When you talked about s...

Questionable Morals

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of ...

WANTED: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars

It’s safe to say the police are working tirelessly to catch him.

I found a website that steals jokes from Reddit.

I know they are doing it because I kept seeing variations of the same joke repeated over and over again.

How do you steal a coat?

You jack-et

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men break into the drugstore and steal viagra.

Police are now on the lookout for two hardened criminals.


\-Not my joke

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.

I told her that made me feel bad, really bad, like bad, so bad, not good, and just... bad.

She then apologized.

A man steals and crashes a train and is then given the electric chair, but nothing happens.

guess he was a bad conductor

For my New Years resolution I promise to never steal money out of my wife’s purse

But then I just remembered she’s got a birthday coming up

A robber was preparing to break into a butcher's to steal meat.

He decided not to in the end, as the stakes were too high.

Bards don't steal.

They Lute.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

Me to my horse: "Did you steal my thesaurus?"

Horse: "No."

How to get police to show up on time

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He p...

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shaun is a tourist visiting a small town in the Arabian desert.

He stops into a shop one day and when he's finished, he finds that his camel is missing its legs. Shocked, he approaches a bystander and asks if he saw who took his camel's legs. The bystander squints at him, looks at the camel, and says to Shaun "ah, that would have been the Camel Leg Thief, you ca...

I've been stealing garden ornaments from my next door neighbour...

Who shall remain Gnomeless

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

What is it called when someone steals a large frying pan from a smaller classmate?

Taking a long wok off a short peer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The guests in my hotel are always stealing soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms.

**Dirty bastards**!

Why didn't the bank robbers steal the car?

Because it was too heavy and made their arms hurt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbour said she thinks she knows who's stealing her underwear

I nearly crapped her pants when she said that.

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

Old Man sitting on his porch a kid walks by dragging a heavy steal chain.

The old man say, Hey Kid why are you dragging that chain around ?


The kid says, Have you ever tried to push one

How do you steal from a fence?

You picket's pockets

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:

You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Man in Saudi Arabia

A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand disinfectant. The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand disinfectant anymore.

the blind and the moron

there was a chicken farm owned by a very cautious farmer. he was the richest man in town. one day, some man set out to find people to steal eggs for him from the farm but the only people he got were a blind man and a moron. so they planned out the heist. "every night" said the man, "the owner would ...

A naked man was arrested after stealing a bicycle and riding away on it.

Police impounded the bicycle, but worry that the evidence is tainted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two criminals break into a drugstore and steal all the Viagra. The store owners call the police and they put out an alert.

An officer in the vicinity turns to his partner and says “Alright, we’re looking for two hardened criminals”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a bad habit of stealing salt from my local deli...

For some reason, I loved putting the salt all over me, even sleeping in piles of it. I talked to a therapist about this problem, and he suggested the first step is confessing it to the store owners. I told them about what I've been doing every time I visit their shop and that seemed to do the trick....

I decided against breaking into the Home Depot to steal their largest egg beater...

It was too big a whisk

A minister loses his wallet

He asks a friend where to look for the thief. The friend says “Why don’t you go through the 10 commandments in church on Sunday and see who looks guilty when you say ‘Do not steal’?”

The minister thinks this is a great idea. On the Monday after, he sees his friend who asks him “Did you try wh...

A guy shocked himself trying to steal an electric car.

He was charged with battery.

What happened when the chicken was found stealing from work?

He was forced to tender his resignation.

Steal a man's wallet and he will be broke for a week

Give a man a lego passion and he will be broke for a lifetime

I'm going to have a break from stealing snooker equipment....

but 1st I'm just going to take a rest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear got the habit to steal mead from one bee-garden

Owner doesn't know what to do: as soon as he gets the gun out, bear climbs to a large tree and can't be reached. One day beekeeper sees advertisement in a local paper: will help with any animals. He calls the number, and over an hour hefty man arrives with a shovel and tiny white dog. This is Snowfl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The town drunkard gets berated by his wife for drinking with the money she gave him to get chicken.

With his ego hurt he promptly gets drunk again, steals a live hen from a nearby farm and tries to scramble back home before getting caught. In a bid to not get caught, he sneaks into a shabby cinema hall after somehow calming the hen down enough to stick it down his pants.
It was an adult film ...

I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.

Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.

Why did the mexican man steal a train?

Well he had loco-motives

A bear and a moose get into an argument in a Canadian forest.

They don't want to get into a fight, but they just want to prove which of them is stronger so they steal a piece of rope and the bear wraps it around the moose's antlers and holds the other end in its mouth.

They agree on three rounds, and they each get to choose their battlefield.

3, ...

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

Did you hear about the 2 guys who tried to steal a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

The other day I was travelling down one of those spiral type car parks. As I set off, on the top floor, I spotted someone smashing a car window and attempting to steal the radio. On the 2nd floor I saw a youth key right down the side of another car.

On the bottom floor, I saw a couple throw a load of rubbish out of their car window....I couldn't believe my eyes.


It was just wrong on so many levels!

If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal?

Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection.

I just killed a massive spider crawling across the floor with my shoe.

I don't really care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

I was surprised when I discovered my roommate was stealing from driving school

But to be honest I should have seen all the signs

So me and Death are trying to steal a sofa from a warehouse

The guard caught us and told us if we took the sofa there would be repercussions from it.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

My best friend went to prison because he kept stealing things from people's gardens. He was just released but my wife told me not to invite him to our BBQ next week.

I feel a bit bad. I hope he doesn't take a fence.

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

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