I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.

Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.

My ex girlfriend tried to steal my hummus once.

Told that chick peace.

What kind of bee drugs you and steals your money?

A Cardi B

Me: Did you steal my thesaurus

Horse: Nope

Feel free to steal all of my jokes...

Just know that I lick every one before I post them!

What do you call it when you're constantly nervous that there is an antivaxxer out to steal your kids?

Karenoid.

Tim and Edward decided to team up in an attempt to steal an expensive jewel.

It belonged to a woman in their neighborhood. Her house was fairly isolated so they decided they could proceed during the day. The woman seemed a bit careless and had no security system set up, so they easily got in and out of the house with the jewel.

Back to a safe place and out of view o...

What do you call a Mongolian who wants to steal all your money?

A Kahn-Artist.

What do you call a man who steals ac units?

An aircon.

What do call someone who steals pancakes?

A Crepetomaniac

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A child asks his very wise father. Dad, what does it mean to steal?

If you don't hurry your ass up they are going to catch us!!!

I tried to steal candy from a baby.

He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.

I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics.

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids.

There's only one candle store I won't steal from.

John's Wicks

It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back.

It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

What do you call it when a Bayern footballer steals from a French bank?

A Franc Robbery

What do you call it when a black guy steals from his wealthy neighbors?

Robbin' Hood.

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The black Jew

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?”

The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?”

“Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or if I should just s...

So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard

'Twas saucepicious

What happens when someone steals uranium

It becomes theiranium

Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

I'm pretty sure my pet birds have been working together to steal my snacks at night.

I'm not 100% but I do suspect fowl play.

Two officers receive a call about a man who attempted to steal a brief case, but immediately felt remorse and abandoned the area. The officers arrive on the scene to investigate.

“Open and shut case Johnson”

You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons.

Isn’t that Ionic?

Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair.

When questioned by the press, the owner said, "When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!"

I was going to steal a coat today

But I didn't have it in me to jacket.

Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.

The government hates competition.

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same...

A man was shot dead today by police after attempting to steal a comedians notebook.

Some people just can’t take jokes!

Why did you steal the car?

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

I never thought my dad ad would steal from his job as a road worker...

but when I got home I found all the signs...

What is it called when one biologist steals a petri dish from another biologist?

Cultural appropriation.

If you steal something, that’s one thing

If you steal something else, that’s another thing

What do you call an idiot who steals prescription drugs from pharmacies?

An oxy-moron

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg's jokes

I still do, but I used to too

What does The Hulk say when someone tries to steal his mashed potatoes?

HULKS MASH!!

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

"I'm gonna steal her heart.."

Is not that romantic when you say it during a surgery.

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

NSFW What do you call a guy who steals condoms?

A cheap f#cker.

They told me to go to the zoo and steal as many bears as I could

I got away with the bear minimum

Some guy tried to steal my recipe for Indian bread.

I told him: “It’s naan of your business.”

Q. Why did the girl steal her boyfriend's wheelchair after she dumped him?

A. Because she wanted him to come crawling back to her.

If you advertise your big new TV by putting the box out in the trash, I'm gonna steal it.

My cardboard fort only needs a few more pieces.

What do you get if you steal the same joke every day for a month?

About 3K karma, 30 gold, hate from u/i_8_the_Internet, and a ban from r/jokes.

I've always wanted to steal a huge kitchen utensil...

But I feel like I'd be taking a pretty big whisk.

Why did the Mexican try to steal a train?

No one knows the reason, but he obviously had a loco-motive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do sewers have locks on them?

So people won't steal your shit.

What kind of crime is it to steal a cat?

Petty theft.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who is someone who always steals your shit and gets no punishment even when exposed?

A reposter

Have you heard of this medicine that makes people steal things?

It's called Klepto-Bismol.

Last week while going on a walk I saw a guy trying to steal a woman purse and I knew what I had to do...

I ran towards them as fast as I could and trust me we stole her purse

I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

What can a thief steal so that he won't come in news?

News Van

Two little boys steal a big bag of oranges from the neighbour

They decide to find a quiet place to split up the lot. One of them suggests the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate two oranges fell out of the bag, but they didn’t bother to stop and pick them up since they had plenty in the bag.

A few minutes later a drunkard walks by the c...

What do you call someone who steals energy?

A Joule thief.

A blonde, brunette, and ginger steal from a bank....

They run and hide in a nearby farm while they're being chased by the cops. The three women hide behind a cow, pig, and potatoes.

The officer crashes through the barn doors and turns on his flashlight to look for the women. He shines the light on the cow where the ginger is and the woman says,...

Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye

Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.

[Turkish pun] What do you do when someone steals your carpet?

Kilim

There are three monsters that live in my house and steal all of my money,

I like to call them, “the accidents,” but my wife insists on calling them our children.

Jerusalem has a lot of petty crime. Thieves will steal anything not nailed down.

...which is why they even had to nail down Jesus.

Why did the thief steal the space bars?

Because he needed more room.

Someone tried to steal my dyslexia music collection

I nearly lost my hits

I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.