Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin

What did Sodium say to Bromine and Oxygen when they offered a threesome?

NaBrO

A recently divorced woman finds a magic lantern. The genie offers her 3 wishes but with one condition.

Every wish that is granted her will be doubled to her Ex-husband.

So to test the genie she makes her first wish for $10 million. Sure enough her Ex received $20 million.

Her 2nd wish is for 2 supermodel consorts. Again her Ex is graced with 4 supermodels to fulfill his every desire....

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I was in Mexico last weekend enjoying what the entertainment has to offer....

...ended up going to this magic show that was highly recommended. The Magician came on stage and started the show with a disappearing act. He said "Pay close attention as I will vanish into thin air on the count of three"

He started counting... "uno....dos..."

And sure as shit he disap...

I got offered a job cleaning mirrors

It's something I can really see myself doing

A local hospital is offering Black Friday specials on circumcisions.

Up to 50% off.

A guy has been chatting to a pretty Chinese girl in a bar and offers to take her home.

At her place things are starting to get hot and heavy, especially when she says "So, anything you really really like?". He decides to go for it and says "I'd love a 69."

She turns bright red, slaps his face and says "You bloody men all the same...

"I'm not cooking beef and broccoli at ...

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.

“They must be small," he says.

"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.

"Well they're old then."

"Fresh today," she answers.

"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.

The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.

"Once upon a time,...

I offered my old air mattress to a homeless guy today.

He got real excited, until i also offered him my air guitar

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

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A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

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CAN MODS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO ARE ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE ...

Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache

And suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

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I was offered sex with a 23 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of all purpose cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as CleanBrite, the super strong all purpose cleaner. Now available with scented lemongrass.

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A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.

"There’s nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.

...

I was tempted by an offer which read, “Sausage Biscuits 2 for $1.00". "How much is it for one?” I asked.

"75 cents”, she replied.
"Ok, I'll have the other one".

What do you call a senior-ranked military officer who offers nuggets of factual wisdom?

The Colonel of Truth

Why should you never offer a Klan Member a high five?

because they always leave you hanging.

Just been offered 8 legs of venison for £70.

Is that two deer?

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The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He aske...

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Street seller offers really special eyeglasses to Steve

He tries them on and sees all the people naked when he looks through them. He immediately buys them and gets home to show them to his wife sneaking a few peeks as he goes.

He enters the apartment and sees his wife with his best friend naked on couch. He takes eyeglasses off, they're naked. On...

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: ‟I’ll strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.

The American goes first. He buil...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

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This woman offers him a “threesome” that he simply couldn’t refuse

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact, she wasn’t bad at all!
I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s...

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition ‟For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time.” The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

I was offered a free meal at Texas Roadhouse and didn’t take it. I realize now...

That it was a Missed Steak.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn't see himself doing it.

Honor and Offer

She offered his honor, he honored her offer, and the rest of the night he was honor and offer.

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Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

I bought a used Lamborghini cheap with hopes of making a quick buck. My friend offered to flip it for me.

He was as good as his word. The funeral is Thursday.

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

A girl agreed to go out with me after I offered her a bottle of lemonade.

You could say I schwepped her off her feet!

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If someone ever offers you a Cocker Spaniel...

You should take the Spaniel.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

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My wife offered me a blowjob today.

‘Really’ I said

‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’

That’ll teach her to be funny

Starbucks has starting to offer free drinks during funerals

They acknowledged the need for mourning coffees

Just got offered a job teaching poetry in prison.

I spent all night thinking about the prose and cons.

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A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

Three guys on a hiking trip find a lamp, so they rub it until a genie appears who generously offers to grant each of them three wishes.

The first one goes "I would love to be as rich as I ever want, with enough money appearing in my bank account whenever I want to buy anything." The second one says "that's amazing, I want the same!", but the third one says "I want my left arm to constantly rotate clockwise."
- "Done", says the ge...

I got offered to eat raw beef, but I said no.

I figured the steaks were too high and I probably shouldn’t brisket.

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Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

The bus crash that landed me in hospital was caused by a guy standing up to offer a lady his seat.

He'll never work as a bus driver again.

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I met this girl the other day and she

tok me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

‟Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed ‟Quick, use the backdoor” .

Now it's at about this time ...

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

‟Hurry!” she said. ‟Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. ‟Do not move until I tell you to,” she whispered. ‟Just pretend you are a statue.”

‟What‘s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

‟Oh, ...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they could not graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the d...

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

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The tattoo parlour in my town is offering free tattoos to anyone who would flash their boobs.

It’s a tit for tat special.

A mysterious magician offers a man two choices

One is a million dollars, and another is infinite wisdom.




After thinking for a while the man chooses infinite wisdom,




Snapping his fingers the magician shouts “Infinite wisdom.” And points at the man while running away.




Realising nothing has h...

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Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did y...

I saw my neighbor carrying bags of shopping up to his apartment, impressed, I offered him a hand.

He wasn’t thrilled with my applause

A wealthy old man spots an attractive lady at the grocery store and approaches her with an offer.

He says, "Ma'am, you are very beautiful, and I would love to give you $1,000."
The woman, surprised and flattered, says, "That's very kind of you, but what would I have to do?"
The old man says, "Just follow me home, take off all your clothes, pick the money up off the floor, and then you ca...

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A guy noticed his co worker was feeling depressed. So he offered him his best advice...

" when ever I'm feeling down I make time to have sex with my wife. It does wonders."

"That's a great idea. I think I try it. I'll be back in about an hour"

An hour later he's back whistling and smiling . " Wow, you were right. I feel much better. Thanks bro!" He pauses for a minute ...

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Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening...

One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him,
‟Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!”

He responded by saying ‟How‘s about 5 dollars?”, jokingly, and kept walking.

This same hting kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the p...

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

If procrastination was a class offered in school

I’d get an “i” for “Incomplete”

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are

talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would

like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.



So, he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy

s...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter. They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets. The priest, being a gentleman offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. As they get tucked in for the night the nun calls out, "father, father I'm cold!" so the priest gets up a...

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A man walks into a bar..

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey.

The bartender obliges, and the man takes 1 shot, 2 shots and 3 shots, no problem.

Impressed, the bartender inquires "What's the occasion for the 3 shots?"

The man replies, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob."

Being the ...

Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian?

He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

A blonde takes a taxi to the airport

While stuck in traffic, the driver offers the blonde a riddle to help pass the time. He says:

“Who is my mother’s child and my father’s child, but is neither my brother nor my sister?”

The blonde replies “I don’t know, who?”

The driver says “Me!”

They laugh hysterically,...

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

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A man went into a Birmingham supermarket asking to buy half a cauliflower.

The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager; so the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, unaware that the customer was following him, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there...

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

Why does the Rabbi offer free circumcisions?

He only collects the tips.

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

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Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.

Her daughter immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, afte...

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Three couples rush to the hospital to give birth.

Three couples rush to the hospital to give birth, an English couple, and Irish couple and an Asian couple. All three wives give birth to boys within minuets of each other and the fathers congratulate one another. But while the nurse are weighing the babies, they get them mixed up and have no idea wh...

A kid has just got his driver's license, and to celebrate his freedom he offers to go get groceries for his mother...

"Okay," his mother says, "Get a gallon of milk. And if they have avocados, get 6."

The boy returns 30 minutes later with his arms full.

"Why'd you get so much milk?" the mom asked.

"They had avocados."

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I got a job offer as a cleaner at the cinema. Immediately, I thought of all the semen I'd be clearing up at the back of the theatre.

But hey, I'm sure there are downsides to the job, too.

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God offered to prove his power to a scientist.

Scientist asked God to fill his basement with diamonds, and instantly god did. He wasn't convinced yet cuz an alien could have the tech to do that.

He asked god to create a new galaxy in less than 1 second, and god did, but still wasn't convinced.

He asked God to create another planet ...

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wo...

What job offers are there for someone without a brain?

The head of state.

I was at a party and an old buddy of mine offered me cocaine. I said, "Buddy, I'm a father of three young kids..."



..."of course I'll do some."

A young man wanted to learn an instrument, so he bought himself a bass guitar.

Not knowing where to begin, he decides to take music lessons. After some searching he finds an old bassist who is offering beginner classes at a reasonable rate. He calls the man and they schedule a meeting for the next evening.

The young man leaves work the next day and heads to the lesson. ...

When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...

I’ll take Nunavut.

Two men crash a plane on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

They both survive the crash. Then just after their terrible ordeal one of the men walks all over the entire island and comes to the conclusion that there is no food or fresh water. He goes back to where his friend is to explain their predicament.

"I've searched this entire island and haven't...

Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.

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I was at the bar.... [NSFW]

And some lady dressed like a tramp kept trying to rub my arms. I kept telling her to quit handling me like I was her boyfriend when I didn't even know her. She wouldn't leave me alone, and finally she offered me a desktop computer in exchange for sexual favors. I swear this lady was high as a kite t...

The Amaretto Joke

(Mentioned this in the comments of another joke and seems like no-one knew it by reference so here goes.)

Three best girlfriends meet for lunch after not seeing each other for a while and the topic turns to the latest news in their lives and as it turns out all three of them have started seei...

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

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Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly

I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to shit on his chauffeur

A golfer is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole...

...when a second golfer approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.


Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a ...

A Scotsman just offered to give me a box of silverware and a case of Wrigley's

So I said "I can take your knives, but I'll never take your free gum"

I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.

And through it all, he offered me protection...

As of today, I've been 50 days free from cigarettes. A friend offered me a pack.

I burned them.

The 3 men (Joke told by professor)

Sometime during the middle ages, one day - an engineer, a priest, and a farmer were being executed by the guillotine due to their crimes they commit against the village

the engineer was punished because he was rigging his builds and selling it blindly to people to make extra money by offering...

Honestly, if I had to offer you lot money for every bread joke..

Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

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I learned what compromise is in a relationship.

When she asks for a 10" dick, I offer to meet her halfway.

Was walking with my friend when an eyelash got in my eye and he offered me his handkerchief

Told him bro that would be so uneyegeinic

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night, all he could offer her was $0.50 and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she wa...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criteria were used to define a patient who is to be institutionalised.

'Well', said the Director. 'We fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient to empty the bathtub.
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. A normal person would choose the bucket.
'No,' answered the Director. 'A normal person would pull the plug.'
So what did y...

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A man goes outside to take a stroll.

Whilst walking down the street, he sees a gorgeous woman and approaches her.

"I'll fuck you twice and then I'll give you $1000", he says to the woman.

The woman thinks about his offer and agrees. So they head to a nearby motel, where the man passionately makes love with the women.
<...

(NSFW) Little Jonny is in sewing class

when all of a sudden, he clumsily catches himself with the sewing needle. Seeing that he is bleeding, the teacher offers him a plaster. ‘That won’t do Miss’, says Little Jonny. ‘What I need is some cider’. ‘Don’t be ridiculous’, says the teacher. ‘What on earth for?’ Little Jonny replies, ‘My sister...

An English tourist in a Cairo marketplace was offered a large skull by a street trader

"This is the skull of Great Queen Cleopatra for only One hundred English pound." said the trader.

The tourist says, "No thank you, it's far too expensive."

Then the trader produces a small skull and says, "How about this one?"

The tourist asks, "Whose skull is that?"

The ...

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A Man Has Promised His Wife He Wouldn't Get Drunk Anymore

But his best friend is getting married and he decides to have just one drink at the bachelor party during the toast.

Well, one drink leads to another and the man falls off the wagon ... HARD! He's singing and dancing and stumbling his way around the party without a care in the world (or his h...

WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER!

// THE POLICE

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A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.

The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.

The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch.

While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sex on the beach! G...

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance.

She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.


He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.


He pi...

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Your life pursuit

Long ago in a distant land an explorer and his large team of bearers, trackers, hunters, cooks, handymen, translators and so on came upon a village of people never before known to the outside world.

Luckily the translators were able to communicate with the people and soon the explorer was tal...

Some monks came down to a small village in need of carpentry. They offered to replace all the wooden pillars and support beams in all the buildings by themselves. When the villagers asked why they were being so generous, the head monk simply replied

"Isn't it obvious? We're reposting for karma."

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A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later...

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The Tale of the Unlicensed Doctor

A man walks into a doctor's office one day with full garb on. Stethoscope, reflex hammer, the little ear light, the works, except none of it actually worked, seeing as they were just replicas for movies and such. He sees a lady sitting in the corner and offers to help her then and there. She says ye...

So this guy’s in bed with a married woman when her husband’s car gets home

She brings the guy, completely naked, into the living room and tells him to stand completely still as she covers him in white powder.

“Honey, what’s that?”, said her husband.

“Well, it’s a statue. I saw the Robinsons down the street got one and I wanted one!”, said the woman.
...

The former presidents are having lunch (Credit u/ThePerfectSnare)

**Bush**: Now, being president isn't as easy as it looks. It's like they say, you can drag a horse to water, but... but you have to hear it straight from the horse's mouth.

**Obama**: I, uh... I appreciate any guidance you and the other presidents are willing to offer me.

**Bush**: ...

Here's an offer. For every sock you lose,

DOBBY IS FREE!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin

& orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you ...

This guy moves to NYC

and the first night in his new apartment he realizes how loud his upstairs neighbor is, so he goes upstairs to politely ask him to cut it out. When he asks him to quiet down the guy responds with a nod and slams the door in face, resuming the loudness.

A week goes by and every night is the sa...

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day.

Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read. Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"
The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DE...

Why don't libraries offer books on suicide?

Because they're never returned

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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

Every day, a barber sweeps outside his store and without fail, at the same time each day, a boy walks up.

The boy always comes by and the man offers him a dollar in one hand and a quarter in the other. Time and time again the boy always takes the quarter. The man keeps doing it out of curiosity because the boy always chooses the quarter. So, eventually he tells his clientele, “Every day when I sweep out...

I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw two old men sitting there. One of them said to me, "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure," I replied. Then he gave me a handful of nuts and wen...

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So Pornhub is offering free premium membership in Italy because of the coronavirus.

Glad to see someone is willing to take a hands on approach to the situation.

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Self deprecating romanian humor

Three explorers are caught by a savage tribe and brought before the chief. An american, a romanian and a russian.

chief says "we've had a good hunt so we won't eat you outright, but instead, for the tribe's benefit we will offer you three ways out: pay 100$, take a good beating or eat a bucke...

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

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