UPJOKE
awayturnedhitoutfromintoonoverontoalonginsidethroughsourcancelledforth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night I was offered a threesome by two hot twins

Sex with Jessica felt great, but Jeremy was a pain in the ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered Sex Today

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented l...

A stoner rubs a bong and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

The stoner says, "ok for my first wish, I want a six inch joint." And poof! A joint appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"For my second wish, I want a 12 inch blunt!" And poof! A blunt appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"Ok now ...

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

What kind of candy do you offer a woman with a foot fetish?

Mentos

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife offered me a blowjob today.

‘Really’ I said

‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’

That’ll teach her to be funny

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dwarf once offered me money for a blowjob.

I'd never stoop so low.

Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

A genie appears and offers a golfer three wishes.

A genie appears and offers a golfer three wishes.

“The only catch,” says the genie, “is that whatever you wish for, your wife will receive 10 times over.”

“OK,” the guy says. “I want to be the best golfer in the world.”

The genie blinks and suddenly the guy can feel a new golf s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.

It’s their Tit for Tat special.

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I'm offering you my seat, you fucking take it.

I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit

I offered my elderly neighbour 20 bucks to give me a ride on her stair lift.

I think she's gonna take me up on it..

As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

But he left me hanging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Offer a man a plane ticket and he can fly for a day.

Pueh a man from a plane, and he can fly for the rest of his life.



Edit... I fucked up, I know, but I'm rolling with it... pueh... PUEH!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy offers a girl $100 in exchange for sex

"Sure, why not" replies the girl.

"And what about $10?" the boy asks.

"Are you crazy? What do you think I am?"

"I already know what you are, now we're just discussing the price."

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

I offered my seat to a child

I lost my job as a bus driver

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest

The man enters the bank.

Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage

Employee: I don’t really care.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

I was offered a job building Egyptian tombs

Turned out to be a pyramid scheme

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

I told my wife about a company offering personalized concrete busts, and asked her if she wanted to buy some.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves" she said

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

‎...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old...

Keanu Reeves was offered the lead role in Wild Wild West, but turned it down to do The Matrix.

He really dodged a bullet there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man offers a woman 100 dollars for sex.

He tells her "Excuse me miss, I will pay you 100 dollars if you have sex with me."
The woman quickly responds saying "I won't have sex with you for so little money. My boyfriend would be furious!"

The man then changes his offer "Okay how about this? I will drop the 100 dollars onto the fl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...

An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of.

He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!"

Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!"

The old m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if t...

The sperm bank in my town offers initial consultations over Zoom.

But for follow-up appointments you have to come in person.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boss offers money for sex...

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $20...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

I tried to start a business offering balloon rides for fat people

But it never got off the ground.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plastic surgeon was offering discounts on breast implants.

The sign read:

A sale of two titties

A painter walks up to a church and offers to paint it.

The church manager agrees. Business isn’t going well for the painter so he decides to save some money by adding water to thin the paint. He gets a few days in and a massive storm appears out of nowhere with lightning and thunder crashing around him. A booming voice comes from the clouds, “How dare y...

Today my girlfriend offered to finger me

I was deeply touched.

I've been offered some work with a dried fruit company.

Just waiting for them to get back to me with some dates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women

God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m..."

Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!"

God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess yo...

Offering fruit to an Australian for breakfast may not make them happy..

..But a veggie might.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Legendary Welsh singer Tom Jones visits Legendary Liverpudlian Cilla Black,with an offer of amazing sexy sex.

He says, "I'll make love to you three times, and each time will be better than the last. It'll be the best sex you've ever ever had. I'll need a sleep in between bouts, but apart from that it'll be sex sex sexy sex."

Cilla Black agrees, and Tom Jones, true to his word, gives her the most amaz...

While flying to LA, a flight attendant offered me some free head phones

I asked her how she knew my name was Phones?

Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.

So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."

Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"

A...

To increase foreign currency reserves, the Government of China is offering a limited-time double exchange rate offer.

Buy Yuan get Yuan free.

Which insurance company offers full coverage to frat houses?

Brogessive

My friend offered to show me a magic trick.

"Sure," I said.

My friend pulled out a deck of cards, shuffled it thoroughly, then gave it to me.

"Pick a card, any card. Look at it, then put it back," he said.

I was suspicious, so I asked him if I could shuffle the deck, too. He agreed, so I shuffled it five times, cut the de...

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God is Offering Commandments

God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

And the Germans asked, "what are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "Rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
...

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

A doctor offers $100 if he can't cure your illness, otherwise you'll pay him $50.

A guy sees the sign and enters the clinic hoping to fool the doctor and easily make a hundred dollars.

"Doctor, I don't have my sense of taste!" says the guy.

"Here drink this." as the doctor hands him a tiny vial filled with unknown liquid.

The guy drinks from it and immediatel...

I was offered to invest in restoring an ancient Egyptian architecture

I didn’t reply, it sounded like a pyramid scheme

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nobody's ever offered me money to have sex!

sure a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries, but not cash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came across a fellow pimp treating one of his girls poorly the other day. I tried to offer up some advice to which he replied...

"Mind your own fucking business."

As a French-Canadian with a successful plaid condom business, I feel I have a lot to offer on British monetary policy

But nobody wants a Quebecker with a checkered pecker as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

A tempting offer

I was tempted by an offer which read, “Sausage Biscuits 2 for $1.00".
"How much is it for one?” I asked.
"75 cents”, she replied.
"Ok, I'll have the other one".

A computer scientist was once offered the opportunity to feed a shark.

He turned it down, because he did not want to RISC losing his ARM.

Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?

HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.

Why don't libraries offer books on suicide?

Because they're never returned

My friend offered me some sheep stomach tacos...

I said "No, thanks. That sounds offal."

A priest is offering his condolences to a recently widowed man at his wife's funeral...

Priest :"I'm very sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do for you?"

Widower: "Can you give me the WiFi password for this place?"

Priest: "You realise we're about to bury your wife?"

Widower: "is that all lower case?"

What did Kylian Mbappe say to the Saudis after they offered him a $1B contract?

I don’t think I’ll beheading there

Honor and Offer

She offered his honor, he honored her offer, and the rest of the night he was honor and offer.

I heard hookers are now offering the "Romney" for $1,000.

It includes every position.

I've just had to turn down a really good job offer, driving thirty world-famous circus clowns around on a UK tour next month.

I don't have a car small enough.

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

I got an email offering the secret to reading maps backwards

It was spam

Adam was lonely, so God made an offer.

I'll tell you what, Adam. I'm going to make you a mate. She'll help you tend to the garden, feed and name the animals, rub your feet and back, and just be the perfect companion for you.

**What's that going to cost me, God?**

An Arm and a leg.

**What can I get for a rib?**
...

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.

“They must be small," he says.

"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.

"Well they're old then."

"Fresh today," she answers.

"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.

The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.

"Once upon a time,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Promotional Offer

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please."

"Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key.

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 o'clock in the m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man got sent down to Hell and the Devil offered him a tour of three rooms.

"You can take a peek inside each room, but when you choose one," the Devil said, "choose wisely, because you're going to spend the rest of eternity in there."

The man took a peek inside Door #1. Inside there was a nice field of grass, but there was also a crowd of people moaning in agony as t...

I kept telling them I wasn’t a plumber, but they still offered me the job.

It took a while..to let that sink in.

Why didn’t anyone offer the comedian a seat in the bus?

Because he was a standup comedian.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn't see himself doing it.

My wife offered me some shares for myspace.

I now own 30% of the bed.

someone offered me a cheap circumcision so i accepted

it was a ripoff

Offering corpses for free isnt just a sign that someone might be crazy

It's a dead giveaway

I want to offer Cold Air Balloon rides

for people afraid of heights.

Black Friday Special Offer!

Stay at home and save 100%!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.