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A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

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A woman offers to flash her breasts for a tattoo artist in exchange for a tattoo- he accepts.

It was tit for tat.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a...

Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

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If someone ever offers you a Cocker Spaniel...

You should take the Spaniel.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

The bus crash that landed me in hospital was caused by a guy standing up to offer a lady his seat.

He'll never work as a bus driver again.

Three guys on a hiking trip find a lamp, so they rub it until a genie appears who generously offers to grant each of them three wishes.

The first one goes "I would love to be as rich as I ever want, with enough money appearing in my bank account whenever I want to buy anything." The second one says "that's amazing, I want the same!", but the third one says "I want my left arm to constantly rotate clockwise."
- "Done", says the ge...

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Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did y...

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today…

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a man with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon and vanilla scents!

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

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The tattoo parlour in my town is offering free tattoos to anyone who would flash their boobs.

It’s a tit for tat special.

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My wife offered me a blowjob today.

‘Really’ I said

‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’

That’ll teach her to be funny

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

A wealthy old man spots an attractive lady at the grocery store and approaches her with an offer.

He says, "Ma'am, you are very beautiful, and I would love to give you $1,000."
The woman, surprised and flattered, says, "That's very kind of you, but what would I have to do?"
The old man says, "Just follow me home, take off all your clothes, pick the money up off the floor, and then you ca...

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A guy noticed his co worker was feeling depressed. So he offered him his best advice...

" when ever I'm feeling down I make time to have sex with my wife. It does wonders."

"That's a great idea. I think I try it. I'll be back in about an hour"

An hour later he's back whistling and smiling . " Wow, you were right. I feel much better. Thanks bro!" He pauses for a minute ...

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

Why does the Rabbi offer free circumcisions?

He only collects the tips.

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God offered to prove his power to a scientist.

Scientist asked God to fill his basement with diamonds, and instantly god did. He wasn't convinced yet cuz an alien could have the tech to do that.

He asked god to create a new galaxy in less than 1 second, and god did, but still wasn't convinced.

He asked God to create another planet ...

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I got a job offer as a cleaner at the cinema. Immediately, I thought of all the semen I'd be clearing up at the back of the theatre.

But hey, I'm sure there are downsides to the job, too.

I was at a party and an old buddy of mine offered me cocaine. I said, "Buddy, I'm a father of three young kids..."



..."of course I'll do some."

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

What job offers are there for someone without a brain?

The head of state.

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn't see himself doing it.

A Scotsman just offered to give me a box of silverware and a case of Wrigley's

So I said "I can take your knives, but I'll never take your free gum"

Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin

& orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you ...

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines." said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offere...

When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...

I’ll take Nunavut.

Interviewer: Please explain this 4 year gap in your resume

Me: That was the time I was in Yale

Interviewer: Very impressive, we’d like to offer you the position

Me: Thanks, I really need this yob!

An English tourist in a Cairo marketplace was offered a large skull by a street trader

"This is the skull of Great Queen Cleopatra for only One hundred English pound." said the trader.

The tourist says, "No thank you, it's far too expensive."

Then the trader produces a small skull and says, "How about this one?"

The tourist asks, "Whose skull is that?"

The ...

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A guy changing at the gym...

A guy changing at the gym answers the phone, as he’s getting dressed, naturally he just puts it on speaker, the female voice is heard
“Hey Honey, I’ve just found this beautiful designer coat and it’s on sale for £2,000 do you mind if I get it”
The guy says “well if you love it so much then yea...

Was walking with my friend when an eyelash got in my eye and he offered me his handkerchief

Told him bro that would be so uneyegeinic

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night, all he could offer her was $0.50 and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she wa...

WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER!

// THE POLICE

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Self deprecating romanian humor

Three explorers are caught by a savage tribe and brought before the chief. An american, a romanian and a russian.

chief says "we've had a good hunt so we won't eat you outright, but instead, for the tribe's benefit we will offer you three ways out: pay 100$, take a good beating or eat a bucke...

Honestly, if I had to offer you lot money for every bread joke..

Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

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So I was having sex with this woman...

I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.

“Oh god,” she said, “it’s my husband. Quick, use the back door!”

Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it’s not an offer you get everyday...

I’ve been offered a job cleaning mirrors.

It’s something I could see myself doing.

As of today, I've been 50 days free from cigarettes. A friend offered me a pack.

I burned them.

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A man is looking for a job and sees that the local zoo is searching for a zookeeper.

He goes for it but the director has a negative answer: "I'm so sorry but we just hired someone for the job but if you want, I can offer you something else. Our gorilla died this morning and tomorrow is Saturday so I can't get another gorilla that fast. If you want, we have a gorilla costume and if y...

Some monks came down to a small village in need of carpentry. They offered to replace all the wooden pillars and support beams in all the buildings by themselves. When the villagers asked why they were being so generous, the head monk simply replied

"Isn't it obvious? We're reposting for karma."

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

### A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders. The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," said the ostrich. ...

Three people, a Welshman, a Scotsman and an Englishman, are walking along together when they come across a genie.

The genie offers them three wishes.

The Scotsman goes first, saying, “I want a wall across the Scottish/English border to stop the English from coming into my beautiful country!”

The genie grants his wish and the Scotsman disappears.

The Englishman goes next, saying, “I want a w...

Here's an offer. For every sock you lose,

DOBBY IS FREE!

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

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Did you hear about the cockney hobo who offered no resistance to electrical current?

He was ohm-less.

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

My date told me she was a baller, so I was keen when she offered me back to her house.

When we got there, the place was small.



I frowned. "I thought you said you're a baller."



"I am," she replied, then she pulled down her underwear.

A Man goes to see the rabbi

A man goes to see the Rabbi.

“Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked,

“What”s wrong?”

The man replied,

“My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks,

“How can that be?”

T...

Several men are in the locker room

Not mine, but I really enjoy this one...

Several men are sitting in the locker room of their local gym. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello."

Woman: "It's me. Are yo...

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

Three men die and appear before Buddha...

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

\-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forwa...

After 2 years of keeping braces, I finally had them taken off.

Me: So how do they look?

Dentist: Damn, your teeth are so straight and white they were offered positions in Trump's cabinet.

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Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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A famer was in need of shit for his fields

Shit really helped his crops grow. He put the word out and soon the three neighboring farmers arrived to help.

But this farmer was brought up right, and knew you never took something for nothing.

The first guy offered a nice truckload of shit. The farmer offered him some plank boards...

A guy walks into a bar after a stressful day at work and gets a beer for himself

As he sits there, alone in the bar, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, doesn’t see anyone, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy...

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An Irish family lives on a farm

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

A nun, badly in need of a restroom, walked into a local hooters. The place was hopping with music and load conversations and every once in a while, the lights would go out.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt in cheers.

The nun walked up to the bartender and asked, “may I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “OK, but I must warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in ...

Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today

It was buy one get one brie

Why don't libraries offer books on suicide?

Because they're never returned

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So Pornhub is offering free premium membership in Italy because of the coronavirus.

Glad to see someone is willing to take a hands on approach to the situation.

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A genie offered to increase my penis length by 1 inch for every 10 IQ I traded...

Hehdixka a. Sueuwkk aksjns sjebbe Magjxianq an

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

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If someone offers you drugs, don't just say "no"...

... say "no thank you." Rude motherfucker.

Dave and his girlfriend are at a party on a hot day.

It’s a good party, everyone is having fun. And eventually the catering comes in, and everyone starts lining up to get their food and drinks. Dave’s girlfriend is feeling a bit tired, so Dave offers to go up and get her a drink. She happily thanks him and asks for some lemonade just to quench her thi...

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

A lady and her husband arr at the hospital to give birth to their baby

Just before the operation, she starts to get panic attacks due to stories she's heard of the immense pain. The doctors offer an alternative solution.

Doctor: "We've procured a machine that transfers the pain felt by the mother to the father. But be warned, the pain will be like nothing you've...

A rabbi, a priest and an imam discuss about what they do with the money their community put into their offering bag.

The rabbi says “I draw a small circle onto the ground, then I throw all the money into the air. The coins that land in the circle I keep for myself. The rest is for Jehovah and the synagogue”

The imam replies “I do almost the same. I draw a big circle onto the group, throw the money and every...

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NSFW - Leprechaun at a urinal

So this guy Jimmy is on a road trip home from college when he stops at a rest stop to relieve himself. As he enters the bathroom he notices a leprechaun at the urinals. He walks up to the urinal next to it and starts doing his business, but while doing so cant help but notice that this leprechaun ha...

After taking his asphalt to the bar and asking for one beer for him, and one for the road, the bartender refuses the man's offer.

'I won't serve him!' He says, 'he's a cyclepath!'

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance.

She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.


He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.


He picks ...

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A boy offers a girl $100 in exchange for sex

"Sure, why not" replies the girl.



"And what about $10?" the boy asks.



"Are you crazy? What do you think I am?"



"I already know what you are, now we're just discussing the price."

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They just offered me sex in exchange for advertising a new detergent brand, can you believe it?

Of course I did not accept, because my will is strong, as strong as the new Axion liquid cleaner, the only true grease and stain remover, now with a new and irresistible vanilla-cherry scent.

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A man was trying to lose weight

A man was trying to lose weight and stumbled upon an advertisement by a company that advertised weight loss of 10 pounds over the course of just one week. He decided he had nothing to lose so he decided to give it a try.

The very next day his training sessions started. He was greeted by a stu...

Why does the Rabbi offer free circumcisions?

He only collects the tips!




I’m sure this joke exists but it was my dads favorite joke so I thought I would post it here for you guys to enjoy!!

My husband offered to buy me Slytherin panties.

But I’m a Ravenclaw! I protested.

Yeah, he said, but I’ll be Slytherin them off of you.

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

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A man goes to Vatican to meet the Pope

A man goes to the Vatican to meet the Pope. When he arrives there is a long line of people waiting.

The man has a fresh haircut, wears his best suit and polishes his shoes to make sure he looks as good as possible.

The pope comes out and begins to bless and shake hands with the people ...

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The Amazing non-Antisemitic Joke About the Rich Jew

This is a long joke.

There were two Jew friends: one of them was rich, and he lived in the city; the other one was poor, and he lived in a village. At one point, the poor Jew happened to visit the rich Jew in the city.

The rich Jew invited the poor Jew to the opera, to theaters, and to...

The President visits a school

The President was visiting a school, and in one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"N...

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Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money and go to Vegas.

A man walks in his front door after a long day at work. Upon entering he hears a voice from out of nowhere that says:

"Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money and go to Vegas."

He thinks he must have been hearing things, so he ignores it. The next day, upon arriving home, he...

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A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

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A man enters a public toilet and walks to a urinal.

At the adjacent urinal to him is a man with no hands, who is really having trouble trying to take a piss.
After a while of noticing the man's struggle, the guy offers some assistance.
The man with no hands thanks him and accepts the help. He asks if he can take out his penis and aim it at the...

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I gotcha 3 wishes...

Into my pub one evening, strolled the craziest sight to behold for a Saturday night. This classy looking rolled/player walked to my counter with a gorgeous lady on his right arm, a younger looking woman on his left arm and a leprechaun on his shoulder.

Roller: Barkeep, bring a martini for ea...

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem.

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”
“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.
Leaders from all over ...

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Scotland recently became the first country to offer free sanitary products to all women.

Makes sense since all their politicians are just self-serving cunts.

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Cheap parrot

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "Why is he so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I h...

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A millionaire makes friend with a hitman

They get alone pretty well so the hitman offers the millionaire his sniper rifle to mess around. The rich guy looks out through the scope and finds out that his wife is fucking another man in his house 2 miles away.
The millionaire gets pretty mad and asks the hitman to shoot them. The hitman sa...

Timbuktu

This one I got from Playboys joke page in the late 80s.

Two guys with identical education and experience were applying for the same marking position in a company. The hiring manager could not decide which one to give the job offer to, so he calls them both in for a final interview at the sam...

My neighbor asked me (IT Support) how to fix his leaky faucet. Not being a plumber I offered the only advise I have:

"Have you tried turning it on and back off again?"

As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

But he left me hanging.

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A man enters a taxi and sees a man eating something...

He asks the driver "what ya eating?" The driver responds "smart tablets" so the man asks if he could have one. 15 minutes later the man says "I don't feel any smarter, can I have another?" The driver hands him another. 15 minutes later he says the same thing and the driver offers him another, this t...

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Man runs out of fuel with Harley Davidson (very long)

There once was this man who always wanted a Harley Davidson. And one day he finally had enough money to do so.

When he went to buy his dream motorcycle the guy from the schop gave him a bucket of lube. The man asked: “wat’s the lube for”, is and the guy from the shop says: “because you have a...

I just turned down a job at my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables

The celery was unacceptable

An Irish man moves to a small town

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happ...

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A joke my dad told me

So one day a man gets into a bad car crash and wakes up a week later in the hospital. The doctor says “I have some good news and some bad news, bad news is you lost your penis in the crash, the good news is there is an African doctor who can replace it with an elephant trunk, and seeing your situati...

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks" says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks" the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol on...

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During her rounds at the retirement home Nurse Wendy sees old Mr. Johnson looking very sad...

While on her rounds Nurse Wendy sees old Mr. Johnson walking sadly down the hall. Being the kindhearted person she is, she asks him what’s got him so sad.

“Well, there’s been a death in my family” he says.

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Was it someone close to you?”

“Yes, it ...

Planning what do dress for a wedding...

I offer my friend one of my tuxedos, he denies.

-Alright, suit yourself...

A man walks into his hometown bar, walked up to the bartender and was offered a deal.

The bartender offered, “If you can slap the steak that’s hung from the ceiling, drinks are on the house. If you can’t, then tonight’s drinks are on you”.

The man considered for a long while before replying, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”

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EAT! [OC]

One day ,a guy comes from work,his wife offers him something to eat.Buy the guy rejects her offer kindly, because he ate the same thing for lunch.The wife starts reacting like crazy and yells “GET THE FUCK OUT, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN”.After the guy leaves,he goes to his friend and starts expl...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

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"The car insurance company down the road wouldn't give me an offer because I'm gay. Will you guys help me?"

"Of course we will. We're Progressive."

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A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his penis

The artist agrees, but is curious and
asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.”

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill...

I was at this girls house and we were having a particularly zesty session on her kitchen table. She heard a noise out front and she says, "Oh no! It's my husband! Quick, the back door!!"

In hindsight, I should've ran, but you don't get an offer like that every day.

What do you get when you cross Vince Offer and Dwayne Johnson?

A ShamRock

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Best Coldwater can do

A boy went to visit his grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.

So he says, “Grandfather, are these plates clean?” His grandfather replies, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and...

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A man and his friend are hanging out one day...

One of the men pulls out a cigarette, he asks his buddy for a light.




His buddy pulls out a massive lighter from his pants.





"Holy shit, where did you get that huge lighter?" asks the first man.



The second man replies "I got it from my wish gr...

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A man was having a drink in the pub when his wife called him and told him not to get drunk again

He promised he was only having a couple and would be home soon.

Some time later it’s closing time and the man needs to head home. feeling a bit worse for ware, he stands up he falls over straight away, tries to stand again, all falls again. Refusing all offers for help he starts to crawl home...

A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool

I don't know what they're filling the pool with, because he abruptly left when I offered him a glass of water

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

Did you hear about the Chinese godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn't understand.

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A boy was born with no torso, no limbs etc...

despite all that he had a fully functioning brain and heart but was essentially just a head. As the boy grew older he was angry at his lot in life and always verbally abusive to his poor parents. ( well, he could hardly be physically abusive could he?). His treatment wore on them as he was always...

Donald Trump goes to hell

Upon his arrival, the Devil greets him warmly and with an especially big smile on his face.

Devil:”Donald Trump, welcome to hell! I had an especially difficult time selecting your eternal punishment, and so for a treat I’m going to allow you to choose one one three doors and take the place o...

Today this pervert offered me a taco to see me naked. So I replied...

What do I have to do to get a burrito?

My doctor says I have something extra to offer the world

Then he circumcised me.

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Yall watch out. My lady said there is some weirdo running around the neighborhood.

She said he is offering a bottle of wine if the woman shows him her boobs.

She also says the wine taste terrible.

A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”

If someone offered you $100 cause you're ugly, would you take it?

Hell yes, I'm ugly, not stupid.

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Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

A small town is constantly suffering catastrophic flooding when the nearby river crests...

The mayor puts out a solicitation for someone to offer a solution to this problem. Three men respond: a civil engineer, a chemist and a literary critic. They arrive to the town, and the civil engineer and the chemist go to the city hall to present their approaches, but the critic checks into a nearb...

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