I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat

Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the la...

Savvy investors know that this is the time of year to invest in companies that sell supplies for school-goers.

This year, look out for companies like Colt, Smith & Wesson, and Ruger!

Ive decided to sell my vacuum cleaner...

It was just collecting dust.

I told my wife to sell all the vacuums we have,

they are only collecting dust anyways...

We don’t sell to blondes

A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign “we don’t sell to blondes” in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation.

To test the sign she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV”

And the salesman responds “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes”
...

My neighbour used to sell Ukranian eggs.

If you don't know what those are, it's when you draw on eggs with wax and then soak them in coloured dyes to create special designs. It's an art form called Pysanky - you should look it up.

He used to sell them out of a little stall in his front garden. I never really saw many people buy them...

One time some guy on the street tried to sell me a magical pillow case.

Turns out it was just a sham.

A vampire sells a mirror

Cheap mirror, excellent condition; Never used.

How does old McDonald sell his produce and livestock?

He puts an ad ad here, an ad ad there, an ad ad everywhere!

A guy kept trying to sell me fruits

I told him Mango

I'm always happy when I sell some gold.

It makes me euphauric.

A duck waddled into a country grocery store and asked the clerk; "Do you sell duck food?".

"Of course not," replied the clerk, "We sell groceries to humans, not ducks."

The next day, the duck returned and asked again, "Do you sell duck food?"

Annoyed, the clerk snapped, "No! No duck food!"

When the duck returned the next day and posed the same question, the clerk thre...

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

Why do they sell booze at the hardware store?

Because nothing is better than alcohol at demolishing a home.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

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A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well

i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

I’m going to sell my theremin,

I haven’t touched it in years.

What do you call a shop that doesn’t sell anything? A store

Because they only store the item

How does Paul Ryan expect to sell books

without a Spine?

What do you call a factory that sells good products?

A satisfactory.

What do you call a man who sells impossible houses?

A surreal estate agent

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I just saw a guy riding a bike while trying to sell a donkey.

He was peddling his ass all over town.

How to sell sugar for 100$ per pack?

Call it homeopathy.

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A wealthy businessman sells everything he has and moves to a cottage in the countryside.

He unpacks his things and goes out to the front porch to sit on his rocking chair and soak in the ambiance.

A pickup rolls by.


"Howdy!" says the driver, a toothless bearded man in his fifties.

"Hey!"

"You new round here?"

"Sure am. Just unpacked."

"Say,...

I used to sell home security systems.

It was super easy.

I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

Just found out you can sell sperm to a sperm bank

All these years I've been letting potential income slip through my fingers

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

I came up with a get rich quick scheme to sell Indian sourdough bread you bake at home

...but it turned out that plan was a Naan starter.

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One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

An old lady sells cabbages on the streets for 2 dollars each.

Every day a man comes to her, gives her 2 dollars, but doesn't take a cabbage. This continues for months. One day that man handed 2 dollars to the woman, but she refused. A man asked:

- So, you must be wondering why am I giving you 2 dollars each day, but don't take any of the cabbages?
...

My uncle sells vaccuum cleaners for a living

His business sucks, but its picking up.

If farmer A sells apple, farmer B sells banana, what does farmer C sells?

Medicine

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

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A guy is working a his desk when he hears a voice in his head that says “sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas” the man is startled by this and asks his co-works if they heard that voice.

No one else hears it. Soon he hears it again.
“sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas”

After a few days it’s happening non stop!
“sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas”

Finally, the man gives in. He sells everything he owns and books a flight to Las Vegas. As soon as he gets ...

A man who wants to sell his car walks into a bar

He meets a shady car salesman and the man asks him for help selling his car. He explained that he wants to sell his car but the mileage is too high.

“How high is the mileage?” The salesman asked, the man replied with “135,000 miles.” The salesman thinks for a minute, then replies with “If you...

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do.
Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

Whose soul did Ed Sheeran have to sell to become such a famous singer?

Because it certainly wasn't his

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An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, "Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?", the store worker told her "Yes we do, ma'am."

She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"

A cowboy's horse died on the trail so he had to walk for three days to the next town.He looked everywhere in that town but nobody had an extra horse they could sell.So he took a two day journey to the next town only to find himself in the same situation.However,he did stop by a stable and a man

Suggested he see his brother who runs a stable two days walk just south of town.He finds the stable and near death from exhaustion asks"hey mister,I hear you might have a horse for sale."The stable owner says"well I have one,but he don't look so good."The man replied"I've been walking for nearly a w...

My friend from Cairo keeps trying to sell me his time share property...

... I think it might be a Pyramid Scheme.

A guy is trying to sell his dog to a potential buyer:

\-Healthy?

\-Healthy!

\-Intelligent?

\-Intelligent!

\-Loyal?

\-The most! It's the 5th time I'm selling him.

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I put hidden cameras in every butter factory in the world and will sell access to them,

Some people just want to watch the world churn

I'm planning on opening a chicken restaurant that sells average food.

It'll be called OKFC.

What are the stores called that sell fake IKEA replicas?

LIKEA

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You know why they only sell penis enlargement pills legally?

Because they don't sell well on the black market.

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There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

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Little Johnny sells a duck

One day a farmer decides to sell 3 of his ducks. He gives one to each of his sons, Billy, Bobby and Johnny and tells them to go to market and see what they can get for the ducks.

So Billy goes to market and comes back, and he says to his dad “hey dad!! I got ten bucks for that duck!” “Very go...

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way,...

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I heard that the Sting concert in downtown Chicago didn't sell many tickets

I guess black people don't like The Police

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A Jewish rope merchant from New York was trying desperately to sell some of his goods in Louisiana. But wherever he went, he kept encountering Anti-Semitism.

In one particular department store, the buyer taunted him:

“All right, Jew. I’ll buy some of your rope. As much as reaches from the top of your big Jewish nose to the tip of your little Jewish penis.”

Two weeks later, the buyer was startled to receive a shipment containing ten thousand...

She used to sell sea shells by the sea shore, until they turned the shore into a shopping mall. Now...

She sells shoe soles by the shoe store.

What do you call someone who sells themself in exchange for spaghetti?

A pasta-tute

A man sells a dog.

The buyer asks, “Is he healthy?”

“My dog is very healthy,” the seller answers.

“Is he smart?”

“My dog is very smart.”

“Is he loyal?”

“Yes, my dog is extremely loyal! I’m selling him for the fifth time already.”

A man tried to sell me a coffin today...

I told him, that's the last thing I need.

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A man commisions his three kids to each sell a duck

The eldest goes out, and returns having sold the duck for 5 dollars.
The middle child goes out, and returns a tad more successful having sold the duck for 10 dollars.
The youngest child goes out, and while at the market, gets propositioned by a lady of the night. He explains he has no money...

What do you call a large farmer that also sells prescription drugs?

Big Farma.

What do you call an Iraqi guy who sells bags to feed his children?

A bagdad

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A Russian and a Jew (long joke)

On a train to Moscow, a Jew and a Russian army captain were sharing a compartment, the Russian was little bigot and have stereotype towards Jews, so he asked the Jew, "Hey Jew how come you all are so smart" The Jew was eating herring so he kept quite and didn't reply, so the Russian keep on asking h...

I'm thinking of opening a shop which sells used artificial limbs

Call it the second hand second hand store

What do you call someone who sells synthetic limbs?

An arms dealer

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Someone should really put marijuana butter on popcorn and sell it...

they could call it Mari Poppins.

A lemonade seller and the businessman.

A lemonade seller was standing in the hot sun selling lemonade. A customer, who is a businessman approached him and asked him the prices.


"$3 for a full glass, $30 for 5 empty ones."


Astonished, the businessman asks him, "What is that supposed to mean?" The seller remained sil...

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So I work at Amazon and suddenly realized why we sell so many diapers.

Because we sell so many sex toys.

What do you call a skeleton trying to sell a wall?

Ann Coulter

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A farmer goes to the local farmer's market to try and sell his bull. A stranger comes up to him to inquire about the animal.

Stranger: Is your bull good at breeding?

Farmer: Of course he's good. Shit, he's even too good! He tries to mount every single cow, horses, donkeys, sheeps, etc. There's not an animal on that farm he hasn't tried to fuck yet.

Stranger: Then why are you selling him?

Farmer: Becau...

Why did the duck need to sell himself?

He got hooked on the quack.

I tried to sell AMC a movie about menstruation.

They said they weren't interested in doing another period piece.

I opened a company that sells land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof!

How can people sell out for money?

No,really, I’m looking for advice.

I went on shark tank to sell a mixed meat product

I offered 20% steak

What's that company that sells the table's legs separately?

IK*EA*

A man stands on a street corner, looking for the right customer to sell to.

The man sees another man who seems important. Fancy, gray suit from a world-renown tailor, a watch witch appears to be 24k gold and looks like the guys in the suit commercials.

The man on the corner takes his chance. "Excuse me, sir in the gray!" He starts, getting the man's attention. "Would...

I’ve decided to sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay

Imagine all the PayPal!

I’ve written a sitcom about a family who sell Islamic headdresses.

It’s called Bob’s Burqas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you say to a person who sells you a bowl of feces?

That's bowl-shit!

A shop that sells fake grass for gardens was robbed...

Afterwards the owner was asked why he was so defensive during the robbery of the fake grass, to which he replied:

“Well, it’s my home turf.”

How helping my daughters sell Girl Scout cookies almost got me in trouble.....

I have 2 daughters that were in Girl Scouts. I was helping them sell cookies by asking co-workers if they would like to buy a box or 2.
One uptight co-worker found out that they go for $5.00 started balking about the price. Stating he cannot see spending $5.00 for a few minutes of pleasure.
...

The real reason not all Costco’s sell ice...

they don’t want to refund every person with a cup of water.

I used to sell drugs to kids at the school for the visually impaired until I was caught...

Luckily they turned a blind eye.

Why wouldn't a "Fight Club" video game sell well?

The marketing would be nonexistent.

A sketchy dude was trying to sell me an elaborate pillowcase.

It turns out it was a sham.

I've been trying to sell a rap themed shirt with the greatest disses of all time on it, but apparently it's not selling well.

I'll have to up the discount.

I'm opening a store that only sells vaults for storing valuable items and high fidelity audio equipment

It's called Safe and Sound.

What do you call a black guy who sells drugs?

A pharmacist, you racist ass.

How do you sell an iPhone to a Soviet?

Call it ourPhone.

Hear about the guy who tried to sell the 26 northernmost counties of Texas?

He was arrested for panhandling.

What do you call it when a company that sells milk doesn't have have any cows in roles of power

Lactation without Representation

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

Did you hear about the t-rex who sells pistols?

He's a small arms dealer

I decided to set up a store that only sells gravy, bone gravy, Oxo & Bisto.

If you want some, you'd better hurry, while stocks last.

A blonde tried to sell her old car.

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
...

A farmer from the midwest was trying to sell his farm so he could retire in Florida.

The farm had been on the market for several months with no prospects until a man stopped and asked about the place.

The farmer explains that there were 1,000 acres half farmable and the other half beautiful timber with a trout stream and a small pond full of small mouth bass.

The man...

Why did the rich man sell yeast?

To raise some dough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to sell fertilizer.

It was a bullshit job.

I am starting a company to produce and sell Marijuana infused meat.

Our motto is "A pot in every chicken."

A baker bakes 73,247 baguettes in a year and sells each for $2.73. What does he make?

Bread.

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