UPJOKE
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Corrupt Jokes

Why don't Americans call inordinately powerful and corrupt people oligarchs?

Habits are hard to break, and we've always called them congresspeople.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"

-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.

-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!

-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.

-- Oh, okay!

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.

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The administration at my high school was very corrupt

Allowing disgusting school lunches, affairs between teachers and students, and faculty that would show up to school intoxicated.

But one time it went too far. My dad was the tennis coach at my high school, and he always struggled to get funding from the school for his program.

My mom w...

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

Have you heard the joke about the corrupt government?

[Content Removed]

The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies

They are always so twisted.

Corrupt Warden Stuffed At Middle Eastern Restaurant

Awful lawful all full off falafel.

What do you call a corrupt officer's desk?

A cunstable

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What’s the difference between a cake and a corrupt politician?

One is a shit pie and one is ajit pai.

What is the similarity between COVID-19 and corruption?

Both are spreading through the highest levels of the US government.

What’s Darth Vader’s corrupt brother’s name?

Taxi Vader

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

Why is Antarctica the least corrupt continent?

Because it has justice

A corrupt politician manages to sneak a number of loopholes in to a new law that gave him ownership of several hotels in Seville and Valencia

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn decision

All of these presidents are so corrupted

Except for Abraham Lincoln, he was in a cent.

If we arrested all of the US' Corrupt Politicians...

We wouldn't have anyone to vote for in November.

So you think my lift company is corrupt?

Well, I'm taking you down!

I think this lift building company is corrupt...

...and I believe it goes all the way to the top.

Did you hear about all that corruption in the blind charities?

No matter how much you donate, *those kids will never see a dime.*

It’s a slow night at the bar, when in walks narcissist, a millionaire, and a corrupt politician.

The bartender says “good evening Mr. President”.

Why are the police so corrupt?

Because criminals keep turning themselves into the police.

Donald Trump, a Russian spy and corrupt politician walk into a bar..

He quickly turns around and leaves, saying "What was i thinking?? I don't even drink alcohol!"

What do you call the Mother Superior of a corrupt convent?

Nun the Wiser

Heaven or Hell

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom ...

What do you say when a corrupt Soviet takes a bathroom break right before war?

Now you're just Stallin.

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”

- “Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
- “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
- “Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
- “Oh, okay!”

Hip-hop is now 50 years old. Do you know what this means?

It means hip-hop is now old enough to complain about today’s youth being corrupted by hip-hop.

With the bribery and corruption scandal surrounding the World Cup, I want to remind everyone that money can't change someone's mind.

But I'm willing to try.

Free speech in China

Here is a joke I posted on r/Sino that got me banned from there:

A liberal Western bourgeois bohemian meets with a capitalist Chinese Maoist Communist in a bar. The Western liberal brags to the Chinese communist that in her country, she has so much free speech that she can stream videos to m...

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

In Russia its called corruption, in USA

we don't talk about it.

My suspicions about corruption among trawlers has been confirmed

I knew something smelt fishy

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The Facebook company has changed its name to Meta

This reminds me of the time I was at a function with Mark Zuckerberg.

I Meta morally corrupt, reptile looking asshole.

What did the JFK robot say when his data was corrupted?

"ERR-AH ERR-AH ERR-AH"

What is the difference between a corrupt cop and a disposable camera?

A disposable camera doesn't have to reload 3 times to take 30 shots.

What did the Christian say when he found out about all the corruption in the Church?

*"I think I'm gonna be Sikh."*

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The Pope decides to go around Rome incognito

He steps into his limousine. All the windows are tinted obviously, so no one can see who's inside. The Pope tells the driver to go around Rome at once. However, the driver is really nervous, because it's the first time he takes the Pope around all alone; usually, His Holiness is surrounded by a doze...

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

“Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still d...

From the Newsdesk: Television Star turned Politician loses bid for reelection amidst corruption allegations...

Our request for a comment from Sideshow Bob's campaign staff was declined

There's so much corruption in French soccer.

One week I watched Paris play Nice and the next week they were obviously playing Toulouse.

Teacher: "One day our country will be corruption free", which tense is it?

Student: Future impossible tense.

Corrupt God

About 4,000 years ago:

God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!

Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*

God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!

When it comes to corruption in countries Nigeria takes first place and Pakistan comes in second.

I have a feeling that Pakistan bribed Nigeria to take first place…

Problem with corruption in Moscow

A lot of people have gotten away from paying spreading tickets in Moscow lately. The police commissioner have to act, he sends out a memo saying: 'You have to stop and fine everyone not matter who they are, or how important they are'.

Next day Putin is driven to work, but his driver drives v...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

Why is it so hard to fight corruption in Russia?

Because it knows judo.

Why couldn't Edward the whistleblower leave his house during the winter to warn the government of corruption?

He was snowed in.

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One day a mother, father, and daughter are driving down the road in their car

but unbeknownst to them, they were driving behind Lorena Bobbitt.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a mans severed penis smacks into the car’s windshield.

“What was that Daddy?!” asked the little girl from the back seat.

Not wanting to corrupt her young mind, the father answer...

Would you be offended if I said...

Would you be offended if I said that I'm not voting for that white, elitist, pompous, corrupt, egomaniac that's going to ruin our country?

...or would you even know which candidate I'm talking about?

I turned in my doctor for corruption charges when he wouldn't treat my open wound.

He was a good guy but I had no choice. I was losing blood fast and only

"snitches get stitches".

In my country you can't fight with corruption

but you can deal with it.

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

Below the southern border is a world of corruption and evil

Good thing I live in North Korea, all praise our glorious leader

The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is grou...

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What’s the difference

Between a sexual predator and a corrupt politician working for the corporations....







.........nothing but one is in the White house and the other is trying to take his job.

I was Washingtons of clothes when...

Adams-el in distress ran up to me and said her boyfriend Jefferson was being not nice and even though I was a bit Madison at the guy I couldn’t help but give her retreat, and boy, she was such a Monroe!

My friend Jack’s son decided to do a van burying on me I was having a leisurely drive. He ...

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I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn't work

I painted it white and now the system is corrupt.

Painted it yellow and all the drivers crashed

Painted a vagina on it and now all it does is whine.

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World Wrestling Championship. At the final are American and Japanese wrestlers.

Before the game, the American coach said:

- See John. I have not told you yet, but this Japanese is very strong and very corrupt. He has a favorite grip. If he applies it, everything is lost.

- No problem, trainer. I'll handle him somehow.

The fight begins. The wrestlers go out ...

The Stanley Cup final will feature a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed, and deceit...

Against Las Vegas.

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he says. “What I meant to say was half o...

The Browns' New QB

The head coach of the Browns is looking for a new QB when he sees news footage of a man in Afghanistan.

This man is fighting the Taliban and in the space of a few seconds, the coach sees him burst through a wooden barricade, knock down 10 armed soldiers, run 100 yards in 10 seconds, pick up a...

A man is up in court on a tricky litigation case, and his lawyer has warned him that the judge is very strict and correct. “He won’t stand for any nonsense and he knows all the tricks!”

“Well, would it help if I sent him a brace of grouse and a bottle of whisky?”

“Absolutely not!” says the lawyer. “He’s as straight as a die and completely in-corruptable!”

Come the day of the trial, the man wins his case easily, and afterwards says to his lawyer, “I knew that whisky an...

A Trump supporter dies and goes to the pearly gates…

There he sees St Peter and gets excited and walks towards the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, "I want you to know, on the whole you were a good person, that's why you're going in. But we almost had to send you to hell because you voted for Trump."

"What do you mean? Trump is the best pre...

A lonely man lives a lonely life

^title

He lives alone, works alone, and plays his video games alone.

Now, he has tried to make friends but whatever he does...

-he always finds a person with a corrupt heart who uses him

-a person who is outright selfish and mean knowing he has no other friends

-or...

Omar Epps moved next to Chris Hemsworth.

Initially they didn't talk much, but after a little time they started having family get-togethers. They became good friends for a while, even going so far as to have little decoration challenges every holiday.

Omar always pulled out all the stops come Christmas, and he seemed to enjoy it so m...

Sod's law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Moore's law: The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.

Campbell's law: The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processe...

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Hillary Clinton speaks to the schoolchildren

Teacher: Class please welcome Hillary Clinton today. She will answer your questions.

Hillary: Hello class. Who has the first question?

*Johnny raises hand*

Johnny: My name is Johnny. I have 3 questions.

- Why did you lie about Benghazi?
- What was in those emails you d...

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A young frustrated actor, James, was desperately looking for a role.

He had been auditioning and auditioning to no avail. At this point, after the Weinstein revelations, he was convinced that the show business industry was completely corrupt and directors and producers only cast people who were willing to do “favours” for them. 



He’d turned down a dire...

Never in my life have I seen so much corruption, bribery, bIackmail, jealousy, theft, fraud, deception, and outright bloodshed.

And honestly I'm wondering why I even play Monopoly with my family in the first place.

Ask not what your country can do for you..

because it’s too corrupt to be of much help.

Sauron tortures a hobbit.

Sauron captured Bilbo Baggins and tried to torture him to tell where the magic ring was hidden. Soon the hobbit blurted out "I think Gollum has it!"

Then Sauron captured Gollum and tortured him, but the old evil and corrupted hobbit wouldn't talk.

It turns out bad hobbits are hard to...

A KGB agent meets a friend

"How are you doing?" the KGB agent asks

"I'm fine, I'm working as a teacher. How about you?"

"I'm a KGB agent"

"Oh, what is it that you do?"

"I arrest those who are dissatisfied with the current regime"

"There are those that are satisfied with the current regime?"...

A man dies and goes to heaven

When he meets God, he asks, "God, is it true you love everyone?"

"Yes, my son."

"And so you can see the good in everyone?"

"Of course, my son."

And so the man begins asking questions about the most evil people he can think up: war criminals, mad scientists, corrupt politi...

A concerned person is sick of all the corruption and injustice in the world and decides they want to expose it by becoming a journalist.

Only 3 weeks later they were caught trying to reveal corruption by some high ranking officials and were put to death.

You could say, they chose the wrong Korea.

The memory on my phone is FIFA'ed

Sorry.....Corrupt.

A Canadian, an American, and a Pakistani are wandering through the desert

They're wandering along hoping to find some water or a ride out of the vast desert. As they trot along, the Canadian kicks a metal lamp that was buried in the sand. They pick it up and rub it, then out pops a genie.

The genie says, "since there are three men present I will grant you all one ...

"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

The situation down south is too much

People unhappy, wanting to leave their country and come over to ours like they're entitled to it, corrupt law forces and an all around mess. As a Canadian this is too much

Nicaragua just signed the Paris Climate Agreement, leaving the US and Syria as the only nations not in the agreement.

It's interesting. One of these countries is a corrupt, remote wasteland headed straight into chaos, pitting religious fundamentalists headed by a crooked tyrant against the majority of the people, and the other one is Syria.

In these troubling political times with gun violence peaking, human rights scandals on us soil, and ongoing corruption investigations, it’s always important to find the silver lining in things...

International Relations with Russia have never been better!

Italians are always adding -a to words. (It's-a me, Mario!)

I find it to be a horrible corruption of the English language.

I say pizz and past, like a _real_ American.

After someone pointed it out to her, my mother asked me to explain the difference between the District of Columbia and the country Colombia.

So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.

I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up

It read “unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted” feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who’s workin...

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Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for interview.There he was asked...

Q 1. When did your country got Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1928.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence?

Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If...

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