When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive...

It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

But you've probably never heard of herbivore.

At the last supper, Jesus said: "Eat bread, it is my flesh. Drink wine, it is my blood...."

but when he said "Try the Mayonnaise..." everyone left....

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One says to the other “does this taste funny to you?”

The other replies “nope”

Scientists have discovered a food that makes women morbidly obese soon after they eat it.

Wedding cake.

What does a cannibal do after eating a vegetable?

Goes on eBay to see how much the wheelchair sells for.

I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

“No fatty, don’t eat anything!” we got you op.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They told me i couldn't eat the food i forgot in my basement 50 years ago

Little did they know i can

Why do people never eat clocks?

Because it’s really time consuming.

Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says...

is anything okay?

Today I will eat TURKEY

...and all 80.81 million people in it.

It's easy to deter ladies from eating tide pods

It's much more difficult to deter gents.

[NSFW]What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis.

Why did the chicken eat the egg?

Because it was already roasted.

This joke was generated by a bot on r/SubSimulatorGPT2. https://www.reddit.com/r/SubSimulatorGPT2/comments/e2fp40/why_did_the_chicken_eat_the_egg/

They say you are what you eat

– they are correct; I _am_ a human.

A panda walks into a bar, orders a meal and quietly eats it.

When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar.

The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and l...

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

What's Edgar Alan Poe's favorite vegetable to eat?

Corn on the macabre!

A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.

A man came over and said, "Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health."

The boy replied, "Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old."

"By eating chocolates?" The man asked.

"No, by minding his own business." He replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you believe ‘you are what you eat’

Don’t ever call me a pussy again

What is the best sauce to eat with duck?

Quackamole!

6 was scared of 7 because 7 ate 9. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because it’s important to eat three squared meals a day

What did the cannibalistic teddy bear eat for Thanksgiving?

Stuffing!

Today I learned vegetarians can't eat pudding.

How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

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I have the unique ability to eat two pieces of string and poop them out tied together...

I shit you knot

Someone told me today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Pretty obvious, since I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Why did Olaf lose the schnitzel-eating contest?

Because Olaf ate six, Sven ate nine.

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow.

When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

A rich man was driving in his Cadillac when he sees a poor man eating grass on a hill

“What are you doing” - Says the rich man.

“I have 3 days without food for me and my family, so the grass on this hill is our last resource”

“Daaaammmm, say no more, get in” -Says the rich man, exited.

“Ohhh, thank you very much. Do you mind if I tell to my wife and 2 kids about...

What does a serial killer eat when he’s on a budget?

Raw men

What do you call a professor that eats his students?

Hannibal Lecturer

What did the Jedi eat after a big dinner at the Italian restaurant?

Only One Cannoli
(My 8 year old just told me this, and I laughed way too hard.)

If they say you are what you eat

Then I sure as hell understand why you wouldn’t wanna eat your vegetables.

What do you call a pig that eats other pigs?

Hammibal Lecter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men walked into a Chinese restaurant and sat down to eat. To pass the time, they started talking about different countries and major religions.

"Hey Sam. You ever wondered whether there are any Jews in China?" one man asked his buddy.
"Whoa I never thought of that. Lets ask our waiter He's Chinese."

So they called the waiter and asked. "So we were curious. Are there any Chinese Jews?" one man asked.
The waiter looked confused ...

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing... They fast!

A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.

The dock hand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”

“Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”

“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dock hand.

“I d...

I bought a pet snake. He’s a very picky eater. Only eats burgers, hot dogs, and sloppy joes.

Apparently, my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon.

My grandad commited suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano.

He didn't leave a note.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal

One clown looks at the other and says, “I think I told it wrong.”

My best friend told me he’s been dating a girl for a couple of months and she doesn’t eat any meat whatsoever!

I can’t believe I hadn’t heard of herbivore.

I love eating glow worms

Especially as a light snack

Police arrested two kids, one for eating batteries, the other for eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

I was eating steak at a restaurant.

A girl with a pro-vegan shirt on walked to me and said "Enjoying your meat, murderer?"

Jesus Christ, Sydney. It was 15 years ago, and your dad had a gun.

I was eating a hamburger and accidentally dropped it on the floor......

But it’s ok, it was made from ground beef.

Carmen was eating a hard-boiled egg on the beach, but she dropped it.

Where in the world did Carmen's sandy egg go?

I got Food poisoning from eating raw eggs

Salmonella isn’t a yolk, I hope this is over easy..I’m feeling all scrambled.

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.

The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know,

I need to borrow some chairs.

Why did the A.I. with a diet for multicolored alphabets refuse to eat?

There was no gray V

What do people from compton eat when they go out for italian night?

Spaghetto

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

If you are what you eat,

Then i’m an innocent man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the first thing Eve said to Adam after eating the forbidden fruit?

Does this fig leaf make my butt look big?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you are what you eat...

Then that would explain why my ex is such an asshole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

I used to be addicted to eating Thanksgiving leftovers

But then I quit cold turkey

There was a family and a family friend eating dinner.

There was a mom, a dad, a little girl, and the family friend, Brian. The little girl greeted the family friend, “Hi grandpa Brian!” The mom and dad looked at the little girl, obviously confused. The dad said “Brian isn’t your Grandpa, love.” The little girl looked at the father and asked “What makes...

What's the first thing a monster eats after he has had his teeth checked?

The dentist.

What ugly mythical creature is constantly eating?

A goblin

Why doesn't Jesus Christ eat M&Ms?

Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.

A geologist, physicist and an economist are marooned on a desert island with nothing to eat.

A can of soup washes ashore. They ponder how to open it. The geologist says, ‘Let’s smash it open with a rock.’ The physicist says, ‘Let’s heat it up and blow it open.’ The economist says, ‘No, no. You guys will lose most of the soup. Let’s just assume we have a can opener.’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asked his wife if she can make him something to eat.

And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?".

A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt.

She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?"

Some time later the wife left and came home after a few hours. She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner ...

When Winnie the Pooh eats honey straight from the jar with his paw, it's cute...

But when I hang around a donkey while wearing nothing but a red t-shirt, someone calls the cops.

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.


What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?

What do guys with big weiners eat for breakfast?

Person: "what?"

:pats the shoulder:

"Oh, i guess you don't know? Don't worry, buddy."

:Smile:

"I had Wheaties."

My girlfriend said I need to stop eating frozen poultry for every meal or she was leaving me.

I said, "I'll try but I don't think I can quit cold turkey."

Why can’t the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal for breakfast?

They choke when they get too close to a bowl.

A vegan told me that people who eat meat are disgusting

I said, 'people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.'

What's the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?

You'll get autumn'y ache.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day

Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

What do zombie vegans eat?

Grrrraaaaaaiiiinsssss

What is a brush fire’s favorite place to eat?

Windy’s



I apologize. I’m from California.

What do hitmen eat for dinner

Takeout

Why can’t polar bears eat penguins?

They can’t get the wrappers off them...

Goldilocks was killed for eating someone else's porridge.

The murderers did it with their bear hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

What kind of people do dyslexic zombies eat?

Brians

Why did the Pilgrims spend their first Thanksgiving eating outside with the Indians?

They didn't have reservations

What do you call friends that you go out to eat with?

Taste buds.

Give a dog a bone and he'll eat for a day

Teach a dog to bone and you'll never be lonely

I was about to eat my hamburger when an old lady approached me and beg me for food...

I felt pity on her and gave her half of my burger. Turns out she was a Fairy

Poof

Fairy: because of your kindness i will grant you one wish

Me: Really? I want a brand new Ferrari!

And there it was, 1/2 of a Ferrari

You are what you eat

but i dont remember eating a dude with short term memory loss

What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair

(NSFW) Whats the worst part about eating a vegetable?

Putting her back in the wheelchair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't healthy cannibals eat obese transsexuals?

Too much transfat

I tried to eat myself

But eventually I threw up my hands and quit.

What do you call a cow that eats beef?

A cannibull

I don't always eat breakfast in the morning.

But when I do, I eat dos eggies

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

What do you call eating chips and salsa naked?

Skinny dipping

Let them eat Cake

Marie Antoinette started the body positivity movement. Quite revolutionary.

My grandpa just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: My hip replacement.

I only eat the Left Twix...

1st I eat the one on the left, then the one that is left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

People keep telling me flying and eating meat is bad for the environment.

So I shot that stupid eagle.

The waiter said to me “I just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”

I said “Good! I’ll take a water and some chicken tenders, and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid is sitting on a bench, eating candy bars

When a man walks over and sits down on the bench next to the kid. He looks over with a disgusted look and says,

“You know kid, you’re gonna die really young if you eat that many chocolate bars.”

To which the kid replies, “Oh, well my grandpa lived to be 105.”

Surprised, the man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my girlfriend the saying “you are what you eat” is total BS.

She responded with “then why are you such a pussy?”

What do you do after eating vegetables?

Try to sell the wheelchairs

My friend used to boast about how much super glue he could eat

He now keeps his mouth shut

What do astronauts eat?

Launchables

Why did 11 eat 12?

He dozen like him.

When a cannibal prepares to eat a nerd . . .

He makes Dork Rinds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

Old Soviet joke. What is huge, noisy, eats 20 liters of gas per hour and cuts apples in 3 pieces?

Soviet machine that cuts apples in 4 pieces.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

What do you call a rocket which eats other rockets?

A cannibalistic missile.

I was eating a cheese sandwich yesterday and cut my mouth.

That's what I get for eating sharp cheddar.


\-An old joke from my grandmother

Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?

Dunkin' Donuts

Today I learned that cows can't eat the round bales of hay.

Because they need to have a square meal.

[A cinema ticket office attendant told me this] Q. How does Reese eat ice cream?

A. Witherspoon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

So early this morning im eating breakfast when my wife asks me if I can help her in the living room.

I said; "I can't, I have a lot on my plate."

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