Eat Jokes - 137 Hilarious Eat Jokes

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I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer.

One says, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

The other one goes, 'No'.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

"When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat..."

the vowels."

Friend: "Why?"

Me: "Sometimes."

People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?

constipated

Why did 7 eat 9?

Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day

I'm sorry

Did you know it’s impossible to eat baklava underground?

Because then it’s bakmagma

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Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

Two clowns are eating a cannibal...

One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."

Why do French people eat small breakfasts

One egg is an oeuf

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...

And therefore my client is an innocent man!"

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

I'll see myself out.

How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are eating breakfast with their wives

The American says to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey"

Then the Englishman requests: "Please pass me the sugar, sugar," to his wife.

The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers "Pass me the milk, ya cow!"

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Two Rednecks are eating in a fancy restaurant....

Suddenly, the woman sitting at the next table starts choking and gasping for air. Everyone else around just sits there watching, but one of the Rednecks JUMPS up, grabs the woman and yanks her out of the chair. He then pulls her dress up over her head, yanks her panties down and runs his tongue up t...

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Don’t eat it!

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the children what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “**Well, it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes**. ”The little girl screamed to her brother, “**Don’...

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A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat th...

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(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

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NSFW What's the difference between eating pussy and drinking Bud Light?

Pussy only tastes like piss for a few seconds.

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.

But it's harder to deter gents.

I'll let myself out.

What do British nuclear engineers eat?

Fission chips.

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

malnourished

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A husband and wife are eating breakfast.

The wife says, "I had a dream last night. I was at an auction, and they were auctioning penises. Nice-sized ones were going for $25, big ones were going for $50, and spectacular ones were going for $100."

The husband says, "Is that right? How much did one like mine go for?"

And the wi...

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it’s there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

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I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...

WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?

What do you call something you can serve but can't eat?

A volleyball.

What do you call friends you like to eat with?

Tastebuds

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A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.

- Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.

- No! - exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

- What did you tell him?

- I told him that if he didn't eat his broccoli, hi...

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“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

A co-worker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

They say you are what you eat...

today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty.

Me: Can I eat sugar instead?

Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.

I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't eat my ears!"

"My mask will fall off!"

(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)

What is the hardest thing to chew while eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

Graaaaains

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What do Japanese cannibals eat

Rawmen

Edit: Wow my first post is actually doing pretty well.
Thanks for upvotes and comments. I really don't know how to react.

People who eat Tide Pods are idiots.

The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

Two crabs are eating a billionaire on the bottom of the ocean.

One looks at the other and asks, "this taste a little rich to you?"

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How is eating pussy similar to smoking a cigarette?

The flavor changes as you get closer to the butt.

"Uniformed police eat free you say?"

"No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."

Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

They can't stand fast food.

It's my first post on Reddit. Hope you like it.

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

My son asked me, “Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge?” I smiled and said, “Sure..."

"But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”

What is the one thing Spiderman can't eat?

Uncle Bens rice.

Option 1: Let’s eat grandma. Option 2: Let’s eat, grandma.

There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.

What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients?

A vegetarian.

What's Peter Pan's favorite place to eat out?

Wendy's

A guy was driving down the road when he saw a farmer lifting a pig up to a tree to eat apples

Confused, and curious, the guy pulls over to watch as the farmer picked up pig after pig and held them up to the tree to eat an apple.

The man finally decided to speak up and asked the farmer “wouldn’t it save a lot of time if you shook the tree so the apples fell on the ground and the pigs j...

I love eating babies and smiling

but I hate punctuation

Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes

"Let's eat punctuation"

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?

A dog, dogs eat meat

Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park

I asked him "Why are you eating grass?"

He said "I am very hungry"

I replied "Oh, okay then. Come with me."

You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.

Why shouldn’t you eat a clock?

Because it would be time consuming

What does the Loch Ness monster eat?

Fish and Ships

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Little johnny is sitting on a bench, eating a massive bag of candy.

An old lady comes up to johnny "are you really going to eat all that?" The lady asks, shocked by the size of the bag. "My grandpa did exactly what I am doing now, every day, and he lived to be 104!"

"What, by eating all that candy?" The old lady asks.

"No, by minding his own fucking bu...

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Eating clocks is...

time consuming.

Sorry.

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Would you rather sit on a dick and eat cake or sit on a cake and eat dick?

Interviewer: We meant questions about the job

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

Give a man an egg and he’ll eat for a day

Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you’re “taking science too far.”

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

Why did the kid eat his homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew

Why couldn't Godzilla eat the hotel?

Because it was too suite.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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What happens after you eat jackfruit?

Jack shit.

How do you eat duck eggs?

First you gotta quack em open!

Can vegans eat pudding?

No, if you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding!

Husband eats dog food

A married lady goes to her doctor for her annual checkup and everything is good. In her conversation at the end of all the tests and examination with the doctor she expressed a concern about her husband.

"As you know I raise champion golden retrievers and one evening I was making thier foo...

Two cannibals were eating and the first one says: Your sister makes a delicious soup. The second one says:

True, but now I miss her

Daughter made up a cute knock knock joke:

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Let’s eat…
Let’s eat who?

What are you a cannibal?

What part of a vegetable cant you eat?

The wheelchair

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

My mother used to always say, "Give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

Why did Han Solo not eat his steak dinner?

It was chewie.

Last night I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow

and when I woke up my giant marshmallow was gone.

Give a man a vegetable, he will eat for a day

Make a man a vegetable, he will be fed the rest of his life

What happens when you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal

In France, do you know why they only eat one egg at breakfast time?

Because one egg is enough

What does a man with a big d*ck eat for breakfast?

Yeah, I didn't think you'd know...

What do creeps eat at an Italian restaurant ?

Fetish-ini Alfredo

What do you call it when a banana eats another banana?

Canabananalism

An American after staying in London for a month asked a local " Why do British eat like German planes are still flying overhead" ?

The briton replied " why do Americans eat like they have free healthcare" ?

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.

Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

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A man was eating at a restaurant ...

When he noticed all the servers had spoons in their pocket.

Curious, he asked his server “why do all of you carry spoons?”

“Oh that’s interesting,” replied the server. “Our manager attended a seminar and found out the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. This way we are alway...

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A woman is at her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf....

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A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

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So I'm standing at the bus stop, eating a sandwich…

And there's an old lady there with a little chihuahua.
It's constantly jumping at my leg, begging for some sandwich.
I ask the lady,
" Do you mind if I throw your dog a bit?"
" Why no, go ahead", she says, sweetly.
So I threw the yappy little bastard under a bus.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

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Little Jonney comes down a staircase to eat breakfast

They live on a farm, and before he sits down to eat, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet" said little jonney.

His mother tells him he can't eat until he completes his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks one.
...

A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask?

He's force fed.

A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.

A man came over and said, "Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health."

The boy replied, "Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old."

"By eating chocolates?" The man asked.

"No, by minding his own business." He replied.

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks

2 deer are talking together when another animal comes by, the animal says "don't worry, I'm not going to eat you", so one of the deer responded saying:

"He's lion"

What does a millennial mole eat for breakfast?

Avogadro toast

>!Special joke for chemists!<

What do the ghosts of panda bears eat?

*bamboooooo*

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

What do wizzards eat at the beach?

A sandwitch

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

What do you say when a bunch of cows eat a ton of weed?

“The steaks are high.”

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A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle...

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll...

Why doesn’t Elton John eat lettuce?

Because he’s a Rocket Man

It’s my birthday, enjoy my current favourite joke!!

Why do robots eat Gyros?

to balance their diet

What does the ghost of a panda bear eat?

Bambooooo.

Why can't Jesus eat a cheeseburger?

Because he's dead.

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?"

The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."

What do you call an economist that likes to eat?

An economnomnomist

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What do grouchy people eat for breakfast?

Fucking corn flakes

“Doctor, my eyes burn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

I just found out there's a clinical diagnosis for when you can't sleep and so you spend the whole night eating.

It's called insomnomnomnomnia.

I want to open an all-you-can-eat Italian restaurant…

I’d call it “Endless Pastabilities.”

I only eat genetically modified chicken

It just tastes CRISPR

We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine?

Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.

What do asian cannibals eat?

"rawmen"

What does a vegan zombie like to eat?

Graaains.

Why did the shark refuse to eat a lawyer?

Professional courtesy.

They say "You are what you eat"...

... but that can't be true, because I don't feel like a large Italian with everything.

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