UPJOKE
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(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?

Men toes

People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?

constipated

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

we know that 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. but why did 7 eat 9?

he wanted to have 3 squared meals a day

A co-worker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

Where is Peter Pans favourite place to eat out?

Wendy’s

My wife keeps getting mad at me for eating leftovers straight from the fridge.

I told her that it's really hard to quit cold turkey.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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My brother and I made a bet— whoever lost our Scrabble game would have to eat a tray full of the tiles.

My next poop could spell disaster.

What do computers like to eat?

Microchips

Who eats Five Guys for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Jeffrey Dahmer.

Why doesn't Dracula eat beef?

Because steak is bad for his heart.

I want to open an all-you-can-eat Italian restaurant…

I’d call it “Endless Pastabilities.”

I tried to eat aromantic duck recently

But it said it just wanted to be friends

I can eat sugar with my right OR my left hand.

I'm ambi-dextrose.

What does Tony Soprano eat on thanksgiving?

Gobble Gobble Gool

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Why don’t we eat Turducken on Thanksgiving?

It’s too fowl.

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I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

What do germans eat for breakfast

Luftwaffles

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A shark was teaching his kid how to eat a human

So the shark told his kid, when you see a human make sure to turn around him one or two times and then you can attack him.
The kid asked: Why should I turn around him and not attacking directly?
The shark dad said: well, they taste better if you scare the absolute crap out of them first.

I went to the backyard this morning and I saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

What’s better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out.

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If you have a donkey and I have a rooster and your donkey eats the feet off my rooster what do you have?

Two feet of my cock in your ass?

Two cannibals found a guy lost in the forest and decided to kill and eat him.

They thought that the best way to do it was for one to start at the head and the other to start at the feet and meet in the middle. After awhile, the cannibal at the top said, “How’s it going down there?” The other cannibal said, “I’m having a ball!” The first cannibal replied, “Well slow down, you’...

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

What Has Six Legs and Eats Ants?

Three uncles

When a man eats too much iron

He becomes Female

I heard the Russians are serving their soldiers complex dishes to eat

The plates are real. But the food is imaginary.

Sorry, horrible math joke.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal...

One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."

Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer.

One says, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

The other one goes, 'No'.

I tried to eat a clock the other day.

It was really time consuming.

What does a guy with a 12 incher eat for breakfast?

I didn't think you'd know. This morning I had oatmeal.

Why don’t monsters eat ghosts?

They taste like sheet

Did you know that a school of hungry piranhas can eat a man's flesh in a minute?

Sadly, I also lost my job at the aquarium.

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Did you hear about the werewolf who cut out butt meat to try to eat healthier?

It's called a glute-free diet

Yo mama joke I thought of it

Yo mama is so fat and old that she’s still eating from the last supper.





Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn’t know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.

Last night I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow

and when I woke up my giant marshmallow was gone.

[OC]What do death eaters eat for dessert ?

Cornelius Fudge

Two things you can't eat for breakfast

Lunch and dinner

what kind of pasta does a cow eat?

moodles

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

what did Jeffery dahmer say after eating at a fast food place

This does not taste like five guys

These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says " I can't stand my mother in law".

The other says " so , just eat the potatoes".

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

My dog is at the vet after eating a bag of scrabble tiles

No word yet

“Knock, knock…” “who’s there?” “I eat mop.”

“I eat mop-who…” “gross”

People who continue to eat bread even though they have digestive problems with it.

Are a gluten for punishment.

What do you call an economist that likes to eat?

An economnomnomist

I was eating at a Vietnamese restaurant

and being rowdy, so the owner had to banh mi.

What does an vegan zombie eat?

GrAAaAinZ

My stupid, hungry donkey decided to eat a window

It was a huge pane in the ass

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The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

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I know the old expression is “don’t shit where you eat” but…

…I eat ass.

What did the zombies eat at the picnic?

Barbara Q.

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A teacher comes up to a kid eating a snickers bar for lunch

He asks the kid if he thinks eating snickers is a healthy option for lunch.

The kid says "My grandma lived to be 102"

The teacher replies "wow. That's amazing. Did she eat Snickers for lunch every day?"

The kid says "No. She minded her own fucking business"

My 3yo: lets go to the beach and eat seagulls

Me: What?!?
Son: lets eat bagels by the sea

Non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister...

...You know it's wrong, but it tastes the same.

Did you know piranhas can eat up the body entirely upto the bones in 45 seconds ? Me neither.

Anyway, I lost the job at the aquarium.

Did you hear I got food poisoning from eating sausage?

Yeah, it was the wurst.

I can just eat Chinese takeout every day.

I'm lo meintenance.

Why do Hobbits eat so often?

They heard that you need 3^2 meals per day

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

A "large" man is seated at a restaurant and the waiter brings an enormous steak.



A friend of the man walks by and says "Surely you're not going to eat that monstrosity alone!"

The man says, "Of course not! I also ordered mashed potatoes."

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Between her legs

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She became worried and asked her mom, “What is this?”

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair is grown is called Monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”

At dinner she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair...

What does a sea monster eat?

Fish and ships.

In a small town, a doctor is about to retire and a young colleague comes to replace him.

They visit all the patients together, and the old doctor introduces the young one everywhere.

"Doctor, I've been having a constant stomach ache lately." cries one of the patients.

The old doctor answers,

"Didn't you eat too much fruit? I think you should eat less, that'll make ...

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A woman meets a panda at a bar and they go back to her place..

They end up in the bedroom and one thing leads to another.

The panda goes down on her while jerking himself off but after only a minute he stands up, ejaculates all over her, then turns around and heads for the door.

"What the *hell*? ..where are you going?" the woman asks.

"You...

What's Peter Pan's favorite place to eat out?

Wendy's

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A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

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Don’t eat it!

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the children what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “**Well, it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes**. ”The little girl screamed to her brother, “**Don’...

Why do cuddly toys never eat?

Because they are stuffed

Chuck Norris doesn't eat honey.

He chews on bees.

I was eating at a restaurant the other day when a lawyer sat at the next table across from me. The waiter arrived to take his order and accidentally knocked the salt and pepper straight into his lap.

I thought, “Now there’s a seasoned professional”.

Eating porridge I just dropped on the floor is fine

It's the 5 Second Gruel

Mrs. Johnson

There was a lady who was cheating on her husband with a boyfriend. One day while they were getting intimate she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she start...

2 Zombies are Eating a Redditor

One asks the other "Does this taste smarter-than-average and depressed to you?"

"No. Just angsty and unoriginal."

Last evening when I came out of hot shower after a long day of work, I saw my dog eat my watch.

It was time consuming.

What did the Indian prisoners eat at the Russian labor camp?

Gulag jamun

What do you call a train eating bubblegum?

A chew-chew train

How do I eat my food when I have a cold?

I - I - I - CHHHEEEWWWWWWW!!

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Two Rednecks are eating in a fancy restaurant....

Suddenly, the woman sitting at the next table starts choking and gasping for air. Everyone else around just sits there watching, but one of the Rednecks JUMPS up, grabs the woman and yanks her out of the chair. He then pulls her dress up over her head, yanks her panties down and runs his tongue up t...

Why did the shark eat a pineapple before attacking the sailor?

Pineapple makes seamen taste better

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison.

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”

The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”

The wife replies: “Bullsht! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for mo...

What do Cops become when they eat too many doughnuts?

Feds.

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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

why are some people ambivalent about eating sourdough bread?

It's their yeast favorite

New take on an old saying: Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.

Buy him a fish album, he will be gone all weekend - sometimes longer.

I accidentally walked in on my sister pleasuring her self with a cucumber!!!

I was going to eat that later... now it's going to taste like cucumber

A radiologist had fallen on hard times. Looking around for what he could eat, he saw that his keyboard didn't have safety warnings suggesting it wasn't edible. After getting so far, he began having stomach pains, so he decided to take an X-ray. He found an asterisk...

...blocking the colon.

There was this man in Russia who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person died. He went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, ...

What do you call food that you eat at light speed?

C food

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

"Tonight we're eating good" I said to my wife as I walked in the door, "I got us some Himalayan Hare."

"Now where did you get something like that?" She asked.
...
"Well," I explained, "I was walking down the road and I found Him-a-layin' right there!"

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Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

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How to determine sex of aquarium fish?

Easy. Give it some food. If he eats it, then it's a male, if she eats it, then it's a female.

What do you call a fish that eats ass?

A bottom feeder.

I was terrified to eat the pastry.

Turns out, its a piece of cake.

Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food without inflation.

Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?

I mean who eats monkeys?

I don’t eat club sandwiches

I quit cold Turkey

In France, do you know why they only eat one egg at breakfast time?

Because one egg is enough

What kind of meat does a priest eat on Fridays?

Nun.

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A man is sitting on a park bench, eating his lunch

When suddenly a duckling walks by, and the duckling is completely covered in shit. The man feels bad for the little duckling, picks it up, wipes it clean with a tissue and lets it walk again.

A second duckling walks by, again, covered in shit. The man feels bad and again takes a tissue and w...

Some people eat snails...

they must not like fast food.

My son was eating electrical cords

So I grounded him till he conducted himself properly

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Vladimir Putin and his driver die in a car accident

Not surprisingly, they end up in Hell. The Devil gives them choice - they can go to Russian Hell, or American Hell. They look around and don't see much difference between the two; really, they both look fairly nice and pleasant. The Devil lets them know, however, that each morning, they must eat ...

I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't eat my ears!"

"My mask will fall off!"

(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

What's the toughest part about eating a clock?

It's time consuming.

What do runners eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast!

A conquistador was talking to a native about the superiority of his civilization.

"Unlike you savages we do not partake in cannibalism or human sacrifice. Now eat your body and blood of Christ or we'll burn you at the stake!"

If you live on the west coast of the USA right near the factory that makes diet pizza pockets, and you eat one

Then that is a local lo-cal Cal-zone calzone.

What do you call Muhammed Ali after he eats a lot of beans?

Gaseous Clay

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pan-handler in front of a casino

A bum was in front of a casino, hand out, asking for spare change to get a bite to eat. A passerby felt pity for him and gave him $5.00.

"Get yourself a good meal," he told the bum. "But I don't want to see you going into the casino and gambling that money away!"

At that, the bum shook...

"Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, doesn't the old saying state 'you are what you eat'?"

"If we accept that as true, then my client is an innocent man."

Rosco sat down at the truck stop diner and called the waitress over.

“I’d like the beef stew and a kind word,” he said to the waitress.

After she dropped off the stew he said “What about the kind word?”

The waitress smiled at him and whispered “Don’t eat the stew.”

A great tragedy befalls Russia

At a state dinner dozens of high ranking officials have died. After eating a mushroom cream soup generals started falling to the floor left and right.

The investigation is quick: the official cause is mushroom poisoning. Members of the press are invited to the scene of the tragedy.

"A...

Two men were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent.

"You smell that?" tom asked. Bob replied, "the heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!”. After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "let’s get something to eat!" they both were hungry but bob reminded him that they couldn’t enter with their dogs! so tom said "it...

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3 men are captured on an island of cannibals

One of the menasks “what do you plan on doing to us”

The cannibal Chief says “we have a tradition, we’re gonna kill you, eat you, then use your skin for our canoes. But myself and the elders have decided to give you some grace; you can do yourselves in, and you can choose how”

Man #1 s...

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I eat pussy the same way I smoke cigarettes.

All the way to the butt.

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?

When he eats his first brownie.

Why do you not eat dinosaurs eggs!

Because their eggs stinked

Why is Alexander Hamilton banned from all-you-can-eat buffets?

because he will never be satisfied, oh he will never be satisfied.

People always talk about how horrible seagulls are, but I've got them eating out of the palm of my hand!

Please send help.

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