A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

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Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day...

Teach a man to fish and you'll never see him on the weekends.

As a child I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive.

Luckily my older brother told me about it.

You are what you eat!

This explains why I’m fast, cheap, and easy!

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.

But it's harder to deter gents.

I'll let myself out.

I can’t believe that there’s people that don’t eat the crust.

Like wtf it’s part of the food, it’s fantastic even if it doesn’t taste the same a the rest of the watermelon.

2 guys were eating breakfast together

"Do you want some of my bacon?"

"No thanks I'm Jewish"

"Don't worry it's free"

So Mike Tyson dies and becomes a ghost. What is his favorite thing to eat for breakfast?

Ethereal

(A cereal)



I'm proud of this joke

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?

Men toes.

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

When I was a child, I didn't like eating sprouts.

I told my mom I wasn't hungry.

She said:
the children in Africa would be happy with sprouts!

I replied:
and the moms in Africa would be happy with a child that's not hungry!

I was feeling unhealthy so I started eating vegan, but I haven't lost any weight...

Turns out vegans have just as many calories as cows.

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A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat th...

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Why don't jews eat pussy?

It's too close to the gas chamber.

Decided to eat some chips yesterday

Apparently that's "super weird" and "completely inappropriate at a poker game"

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

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I eat vegetables like I eat pussy...

With consent

They usually don’t say anything, I assume it’s to savor the intimate moment we’re sharing

Oh and the vegetables don’t say much either.

Why did the boy eat his homework?

His friend told him it was a piece of cake.

Why did the sea monster eat twelve ships that were carrying potatoes?

Because nobody can eat just one potato ship!

Yall ever just get the urge to eat something just because it's there?

Any way I list my job as a gynecologist today

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished

What's better than eating a Mandarin

Eating Amanda out

My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over

I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.

He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

A man ventured into a restaurant that showed a sign saying Whatever you could eat, and we would get the bill to get paid by your grandchildren.

When he finished and about to leave the waiter brought him the bill, he snapped saying but you said my grandchildren were to pay, the waiter replied, sure but this one is for your grandfather.

I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “Like what, bacon and burgers?”

He said: “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”

I’ve noticed a disturbing recent trend of people suggesting that we “eat the rich” and I’d like to remind you all that the rich are people too.

People with lovely soft skin that would make excellent TP substitute, so don’t forget to peel them first!

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. –

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Did you know that you can eat lava?

But only once.

Alcohol free beer is like eating out your sister

It tastes the same but you know it's just wrong!

Have you ever tried eating a clock? .

It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds

How do the Chinese eat cats?

With catchup.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal

One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."

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They say you are what you eat

But I don't remember eating a fucking legend

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Nikita Khrushchev sees his driver eating grass.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Sir, with the wages you've given me i can only feed my kids."

Khrushchev triples his wage.

Stalin's driver overheard this and decides to bite away at his lawn with a passion to elicit Stalin's empathy.

"What the hell are you doing?"
...

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

Why did the scientist eat photons after lunch?

He needed a light snack

Gilligan eats the last package of cookies on the island.

Ginger snaps.

If you are what you eat

Then Batman is real

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Give most people cake and they will eat it.

Give a Redditor cake and he will farm the everlasting shit out of it.

NSFW. I could eat a mandarin .....

But I would prefer too eat Amanda out.

Being a vegetarian is easy, I eat oatmeal for breakfast

and the rest of the day I survive off my feelings of superiority

What do scientists eat for breakfast?

Special Potassium

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I had a dog once. Named Minton. He kept eating all my shuttlecocks.

He was a bad Minton.

To anyone who eats yogurt...

you’re a man of culture

A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner

"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"

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Why is it bad to eat legos?

Because then you start shitting bricks

I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT MY GIRLFRIEND IS NOW EATING FOR TWO!!! after a doctor's visit yesterday he confirmed what we’ve been suspecting for weeks now.

she has a tapeworm.

An engineer, an architect and a mathematician are trapped in a cave with nothing but a can of food each and they want to get the cans open so that they can eat.

The engineer finds a rock and taps it against the weak spot of the can. The architect throws the can against the wall in a way that doesn’t collapse the cave. The mathematician then announces loudly to the other two, “Let my can be open, how do we close it?”

A mathematician walked into a restaurant, and there was Euler himself, eating from an empty plate.

"What are you doing?" The mathematician asked, confused.

"I'm eating my pie, what does it look like?". Euler replied.

The mathematician knew Euler was a weird guy, but he wasn't going to pass on the opportunity to talk to one of his heroes, so he walked up to the stool beside him.
<...

How do robots eat guacamole?

With computer chips.

A wise squirrel once said "you are what you eat".

Don't believe him, he was a nut.

What type of meals do math teachers eat?

Square ones.

Why can’t Jesus eat m&ms?

Because he has holes in his hands.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

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Why did the vegan eat packaged meat?

It was safer than the kale that asshole teens coughed on.

I'm lactose intolerant, but I still eat chees because I'm not a barbarian.

I'm a cultured man

I had a rare condition growing up where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day.

Thankfully my brother told me, I could have died.

Two cannibals are eating Lilly Singh.

One of them says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
The other one says:
"No."

Why do the French only ever eat one egg?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

Finally watching One Piece and just saw tiny Buggy the Clown get spit out by a bird that tried to eat him.

I guess he tasted funny.

What's grey, has four legs, howls at the moon, and eats cement?

A wolf. I threw in the cement to make it hard.

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier: "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."

So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.

The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...

One day later, she bro...

Why doesn’t Bob Marley eat PB&J sandwiches?

Because he’s more of a jam man.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees

Chuck Norris will be 80 in a few hours so post your best Chuck Norris Jokes in the comments!

When I was younger, I used to hate eating mushrooms, but now I think they’re growing on me...

...and I can’t get them off

What's it called when a cabin eats another cabin

Cabinalism

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"There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's"

...said the guy who didn't just shove a bunch of Reese's in his ass.

My wife can't figure out why my pet anaconda won't eat Bratwurst a la cart

I told her that my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable

Fighting off N. Korean security

They say you are what you eat.

Well, today I bought some ready to eat chicken, and sure enough, when I got home I was ready to eat chicken.

How do you know when you’re eating rabbit stew?

When you find a hare in it.

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What do Japanese cannibals eat when they have no fire?

Rawmen.

After eating fries covered in ketchup, I accidentally rubbed my eyes without washing my hands. Luckily, I'm able to see just fine.

You know what they say. Heinzsight is 20/20.

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I tried telling my girlfriend to be mindful of her diet and that "you are what you eat".

She just started calling me an asshole.

What should you never eat when hangry?

PITA bread.

What was Han Solo's reaction after eating a Momo?

Hmm... Chewie.

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I eat pussy the same way I smoke cigarettes.

All the way to the butt.

What do scary pandas eat?

BamBOO!

I’ve finally started intermittent fasting and been doing all my eating within a window.

Sad to say it’s been the McDonald’s drive thru window.

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A husband and wife are at the table eating dinner.

The husband asks the wife, “Would you wear shoes if you didn’t have any feet?”

The wife, surprised by this weird question replied, “No, obviously not.”

The husband, expecting this answer from his wife cunningly asks, “Then why the fuck do you wear a bra?”

Soon we have to hunt so we can eat

... and I don't know where lasagnas live.

Long ago a wolf explained to his son "eat a man and you'll be fed for a day,

Roll over and play dead and you'll be fed for the rest of your life"

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A German, a Russian and an American are trying to see who can teach a cat to eat mustard.

The German grabs the cat and showed the mustard down the cat's throat.
"That's abuse!" - Protest the Russian and the American.
Next, the American puts mustard and a hot dog and feeds it to the cat.
"That's deception!" - Protest the German and the Russian.
Finally, the Russian grabs the ...

Why did the cannibal not eat Usain Bolt?

They’re cutting back on fast food.

Have you heard about the South African man who went to Greece and would only eat cheese?

He got Feta and Feta and Feta.

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She is so horny that when she goes to eat a banana...

.. she puts her hair in a ponytail.

What does a Mongoose eat in between meals?

Just a little Snek.

Why can't blind people eat fish?

Because it's sea food.

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

I know people say you should eat the rich, but I disagree.

They're probably spoiled anyway.

Why did the songwriter eat Turkish food before recording a song?

They had heard that posthumous songs do well in the charts.

What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

GRRRAAAIIINNNS!!

Can vegans eat pudding?

No, you cant have any pudding if you don't eat your meat.

Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.

Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.

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An American guy, visiting China, sees a Chinese guy eating biscuits and jelly at a cafe and decides to have a little fun with him.

He pops a stick of gum into his mouth and sits next to the Chinese guy.

As he's chewing it, he casually says to the Chinese guy, "Are those biscuits you're eating? Well in America, we eat our bread without the crust, compact the crust into biscuits and sell it to China." The Chinese guy deci...

What do you call a dessert that lets anyone eat it?

A pan-cake.

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

I tried to tell a joke about homeless people eating garbage, but it didn't go well...

I realize now that it was in bad taste.

Why can’t bald people eat rabbits?

They don’t have hare.

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Two Flies Eating Shit

Once upon a time there were two flies sitting on shit and having a feast. Suddenly one of them throws up. The other fly asks: "What happened?" To which the first fly answers: "There was hair in it."

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime.

Give a man a duck and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to duck and he avoids low flying objects!

How does Reese eat her cereal?

Witherspoon

What did the rock-eating scientist say when he wasn’t hungry?

I’ve lost my apatite.

What do vegan zombies eat?

GRAINNNSSS!!

Why don’t people like eating intestines?

It’s offal!

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