6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.



You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

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How is eating pussy similar to smoking a cigarette?

The flavor changes as you get closer to the butt.

Mama, is this safe to eat?

No honey... it’s for storing our valuables.

Our daughter wants us to set a place at our Thanksgiving dinner table, for her teddy bear, Theodore. She promises he won't eat very much.

She said he has been eating a lot lately, and is already stuffed

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A man was eating at a restaurant ...

When he noticed all the servers had spoons in their pocket.

Curious, he asked his server “why do all of you carry spoons?”

“Oh that’s interesting,” replied the server. “Our manager attended a seminar and found out the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. This way we are alway...

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One turns to the other and asks, ‟*dose this taste funny to you?*”

The other responds, ‟*no.*”

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three large bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk and then he took a seat at the counter.The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then h...

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A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat other things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator." “Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,"That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat a...

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How many calories are there in eating pussy?

Depends on which way she wipes.

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own fuck...

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

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What do both smoking cigarettes & eating p*ssy have in common?

The flavors change when you get to the butt.

What do vegan zombies eat?

GRAAAAAINS...

I made an coronavirus joke while eating turkey.

It was tasteless.

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

I will see myself out.

A man sees a boy at the park eating an apple and seperating all of the apple seeds into a pile of individual seeds. The curious man walks up to the boy and asks..

Man: hi there, why are you seperating all of the apple seeds?

Boy:it's been proven that apple seeds will make you incredibly smarter, so I intend to sell these.

Man: how much?

Boy: $100 per seed

Man: fine, i'll take three

The man pays the boy, eats the seeds and st...

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Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One says to the other...

"Oh, shit, I think we messed up the joke."

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A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner tog...

What do you get when you have a cat that eats a lemon?

A sour puss

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Snatch eating frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box, and it says: “Snatch Eating Frogs... $20 each (comes with instructions).”

She looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and ...

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day

Teach a man to fish and he'll colonize your land.

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I get really horny whenever I eat pasta

the doctor said I got a fetishini

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Why do French people always eat small omelettes?

Because one egg is un oeuf

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

Scientists say, "Eat before you go into a grocery store, so you don't buy as much."

That does not work in a liquor store.

Sometimes you really are what you eat.

For example, I just ate a cannibal.

Annoyed at my constant reminders to stop eating her own body parts,

my wife threw up her hands in frustration.

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fckng business."

Don’t eat clocks.

It’s time consuming.

What do mice eat on their birthdays?

Cheesecake.

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Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke...

Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke. Quickly and without hesitation, one friend quickly lifts up the woman’s dress, bends her over, and licks her right and left butt cheeks. Immediately, she spits out her food enabling her to breath again before slapping him. ...

If you are what you eat then...

...Jeffery Dahmer is a perfectly normal person

They say you are what you eat...

but I am not spaghetti!

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Describe eating spicy food.

That shit burns.

My Canadian friend eats a bowl of fries, cheese curds and brown gravy every single morning.

It's just his daily poutine.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Teach 100 men to fish, you're the single biggest threat to our ecosystem.

What do ghost pandas eat?

Bambooo

Where do cannibals go to eat deep fried food?

The battered women's shelter

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Hiring a prostitute is a lot like eating at Subway

You pay someone else to do your wife’s job.

A young boy living on a farm came down to eat breakfast.

His Mother told him he had to do his chores before he could eat. He got mad but went out to do his chores when a chicken ran across in front of him so being still mad he kicked it. Momma was watching. When the cow kicked over the milk pail, he kicked the cow. Momma was watching. When a pig splattere...

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Most married couples would rather eat a good meal at a restaurant than have sex

Because it might disturb the people at the other tables

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A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans.....

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat th...

Why did the space rock eat the hamburger?

It wanted to be meteor.

Why did I eat my homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
—-
P.s. I shared the homework with Biden. It’s his birthday today.

Whenever I try to eat healthy,

A chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.

Why did the skeleton eat alone?

He had no body to eat with.

How many rednecks does it take to eat a ‘possum?

Two. One to eat and one to watch for cars.

From the 7 year old nephew: Why didn't the volcano eat dinner?

Because its plates were broken.

Doctor says I have to stop eating the skin of oranges

That was a bitter peel to swallow

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Once a man, knocked on a door and an old lady opened the door. Without a word the man went in took a lot of cow dung from his bag and threw on the carpet. "You see , I have a wonder vaccum cleaner with me here, if this doesn't work I'll eat every piece of that dung" he said.

"Do you want tomato ketchup with it ? " The lady asked. "Cause you see, we still don't have electricity in this house"

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed,he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man,‟Why are you eating grass?”

‟We do not have any money for food,” the poor man replied. ‟We have to eat grass.”

‟Well,then,you cn come with me to my house and I‘ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
...

Old married couple eating a quiet 50th anniversary dinner

A husband and a wife are celebrating their 50 year anniversary by having some dinner. After being together for so long they don’t have many secrets but the husband always wanted to know.

“Hey honey, have you ever cheated on me? We’ve been together so long it doesn’t even matter, but I’d li...

I once was dared to eat a clock

I would not recommend doing it, as it was really time consuming.

Was not that bad though, i even had seconds...

What's a cannibals favorite part about eating a vegetable?

Afterwards they get to sell the wheelchair.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

In some places in America, you can still eat indoors in restaurants...

You have to wear a mask when you walk in. Once you are seated you can take off your mask.

Isn't that a bit like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

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Did you hear about the guy who got Covid from eating poop?

He was bat shit crazy.

A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

What do Middle Eastern Zombies eat?

Bahrains!

What do they call it in Alabama when you wake up and eat out your sister?

Breakfast inbred.

What do you call a person who eats chocolate with ketchup?

An idiot. You call them an idiot.

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Guy goes to a therapist. He says, "Doc, I live in constant fear that I'm a grain of corn and there's a giant chicken out there who wants to eat me."

Doctor says, "That's obviously absurd."

The doctor works with the man over the course of three years to finally convince him that he's not a grain of corn that a giant chicken wants to eat.

Finally cured, the man leaves. He's back the next day. The doctor says, "Why are you back."
...

What happens after you eat a LEGO?

You sh*t a brick.

What did Shakespeare eat for lunch?

Caesar salad.

Pregnant wife says to husband that she has a weird craving for snails (to eat)

Being the loving husband he is, he tells her that he’ll walk down to the shop and buy her some. He gets to the store and buys a glass jar of snails that he will cook when he gets home.

As he walks out of the shop he bumps into a very old friend that he hasnt seen in ages. They catch up and t...

A guy was eating breakfast before a final exam

For good luck, he was going to eat one long peice of bacon representing a 1 and two eggs representing the two 0s making a 100.

But after he ate the bacon and took a bite out of the first egg, he found out it had two yolks in it.

He thought about it for a second a decided not eat the se...

I'm eating mostly whole foods lately

Whole pizzas, whole cheeseburgers, whole tubs of ice cream...

My mum said I should eat more vegetables

But the hospital banned me

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A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

Why does pirate likes to eat pie?

Because PIE RATING is in their job description.

Do you ever feel like eating something because it's there?

Today I got fired from my job as a gynaecologist.

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I guess it's true that you are what you eat

After all, Ellen Degeneres turned out to be a cunt

I was eating a cheeseburger when I was confronted by a vegan.

The vegan said I should give up killing and eating cows, he said I should start eating vegan. If prepared right, you will get more vitamins and enjoy it more.

At the end of the day, he was right, cooked properly, he was delicious.

Why don't Monsters eat Ghosts?

They taste like sheet!!

Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park

I asked him "Why are you eating grass?"

He said "I am very hungry"

I replied "Oh, okay then. Come with me."

You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.

What does Wallace Shawn eat his cereal out of?

An inconceiva-bowl.

If it weren't for food stamps, I wouldn't have anything to eat.

But man do they taste awful!

How do robots eat guacamole?

With computer chips.

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

My child will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A cat.

Cats love fish.

You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?

Diabetes

Why is it so hard to eat spaghetti?

I'm not sure, but I heard it was in pasta bowl

How does a train eat?

*Chew...Chew...*

Wife: “do you want anything to eat?”

Husband: “what are the choices?”

Wife: “Your choices are Yes or No..”

I had a joke to post here about eating ass, but now I'm not so sure

It might be too tongue-in-cheek

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A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restauran

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success._*

*_The boy begins to turn blue. The desperate mother starts screaming for help._*

*_A man gets...

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Eating a pink starburst is a lot like masturbating...

You want to savor it for as long as you can, but once you bite into it you have to finish.

I go to the store and buy 4 bags of chips and 6 sodas, if I eat 3 bags of chips and drinks 5 sodas what do I have?

No self-control.

A couple is eating dinner at a restaurant

Husband: Alright, food's here. Let's eat!

Wife: Wait, we didn't give thanks. You always pray before eating at home.

Husband: Yes, that's at home. Here, I know the chef can cook.

I only eat vegan meat.

I've got two in my freezer right now.

I've been told I can eat more pastries than anyone else.

Well, if the choux fits...

What does a dyslexic zombie eat?

Brians..

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

At the urging of some friends I tried eating vegan for a week

It was awful! I couldn’t catch a single one. They’re quick!

What's it called when one banana eats another banana?

Canabananalism

I wonder if eating ants will prevent you from getting covid.

They got anty bodies

Who eats Five Guys for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Jeffrey Dahmer

What do German geophysists eat off?

Teutonic plates.

Seeing a guy eat a banana...

is not the same seeing a Chiquita banana!

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

A man was found dead in his apartment. His friends claimed he died because he bet that he could eat $500

The autopsy concludes that, indeed, he put his money where his mouth was

Celebrate, it's national punctuation day! Let's eat, Grandma

Let's eat Grandma.

“Doctor, my eyes burn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

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An American was talking to a Japanese friend on why he wouldn't eat french fries and hamburgers...

The Japanese friend said: "In Japan normally we don't eat a lot of unhealthy stuff because it'll make us fat".

The American said: "Why do you care about being fat?"

The Japanese friend said: "You don't want to know what happened last time when we had a fat man in Japan..."

I went to my local all you can eat buffet...

and there was this girl only choosing vegetables?


I thought, I’ve never seen herbivore.

Why didn't Barca fans eat anything this morning?

Because they 8-2 much last night.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

Whenever I eat eggs benedict it reminds me of the time I lived in the Netherlands...

Those were my Holland days...

I used to eat cold turkey all the time..

The only way I could stop was to taper off my intake gradually.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

How does Mr. Miyagi eat his Babybel cheese?

Wax on, or wax off?

Don't eat the fish in France.

They're literally poisson.

I went to the doctor’s recently. He told me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

Me: You mean like bacon and burgers?

Doctor: No fatty. Don’t eat anything.

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One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.

One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper. The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked, "Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?" To this Little Jimmy replied, "I want some of them fuckin' peas." In a flash, dad slapped the shit out Little Ji...

What do you call a fish that eats ass?

A bottom feeder.

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What kind of rice do Japanese porn stars eat?

Live jasmine.

What did Godzilla do after eating all of Tokyo?

Took a city dump

How do cannibals decide who they're going eat?

By a soylent majority.

“Dad, are bugs good to eat?”

“That’s disgusting. Don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies.

After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”

“Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

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