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Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?

They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.


(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.



As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't ...

How does Darth Vader eat with a mask on?

He force feeds himself.

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NSFW What's the difference between eating pussy and drinking Bud Light?

Pussy only tastes like piss for a few seconds.

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.

I said yeah

He said, today is special.

I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.

The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.





**EDIT**

Thank ...

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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said:

“Last night, we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said:

“What was the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said:<...

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An individual walks into a restaurants, orders and eats his meal

"That'll be $13.45." says the waiter.

The individual pulls out a $50 bill.

"Sorry, we've had issues with counterfeit money lately. Do you have any smaller bills?" asks the waiter.

"Sure, no problem.." The individual pulls out a $25 bill, pays with it and leaves.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.


What, did you think I would make a pie joke on my cake day?

How does Jimmy season his world before eating it?

It just takes some thyme

What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

Graaaaains

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

You've probably never heard of herbivore.

how to eat a human

a shark teaching his son " always circle around these humans 5 times before eating them"

the son replied " why can't I just eat them directly ?"

the shark replied " well, if you wanna eat them along with their feces it's your choice"

You know that weird urge you get to just eat something because its there?

Anyways i lost my job as a gynecologist

What kind of cheese do skateboarders eat?

Shredded cheese.

What sort of monsters don't eat the crust?

I mean it's fantastic even if it doesn't taste like the rest of the watermelon

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

What did the cannibals eat in Tokyo?

Rawmen

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?

Men toes

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

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Give a man a fish, and he will eat once.

Teach a man to fish and you can fuck his wife while he’s fishing.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

I found my son eating electrical cord

So I grounded him,
Until he could conduct himself properly

What do you call someone who eats rice?

A ricist

I once tried to eat a clock.

it was pretty time consuming

Have you ever just had the urge to eat something right in front of you?

Yeah, that’s why I’m no longer a gynecologist.

What do Olympic runners eat before running?

Nothing cause they fast

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What three countries did the giant eat?

Got turkey, dipped it in Greece and fried it in Japan.

Why do French people eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

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A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.

- Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.

- No! - exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

- What did you tell him?

- I told him that if he didn't eat his broccoli, hi...

What kind of meat does A vegetarian priest eat?

Nun.

Why didn't the cannibal eat children?

He was trying to save a little face.

The warden only allowed boys who did a good deed that day to eat supper in the hostel dining room.



During their induction she taught them what were considered good deeds - running an errand for someone, helping an old lady cross the road, teaching other students things they don't understand and the like are examples of good deeds and should be rewarded, she explained.

The young bo...

I was feeling poorly so I went to the doctors. After a thorough investigation, he said “don’t eat anything fatty”. I asked “Do you mean fries, burgers, etc?”

He replied “No! Don’t eat anything, FATTY!”

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony

However, eating too much pie is okay because the sin of pi is always zero

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

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My donkey keeps eating the glass out of my window

It is a real pane in the ass.

Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables?

They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...

And therefore my client is an innocent man!"

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Give a man a cake and he will eat it

Give a reddittor a cake and he will farm the ever lasting shit out of it

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Three men took part in a turd-eating competition.

The competition is simple: The first guy to eat 100 pieces of turd without throwing up wins.

The first man starts eating. 1, 3, 5, 10... He pukes at 30 pieces and gets eliminated.

The second man starts off strong and eats 2 by 2, but eventually he vomits at around 60 pieces.

Th...

What’s big, red, and eats rocks?

A big red rock eater.

Why shouldn't you eat mushrooms as an appetiser?

Because it leaves not-mushroom for the rest of your food.

2 Cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

Cannibal 1: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Cannibal 2: “No.”

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant (pre Covid)

Suddenly, a girl walked towards me and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER??"

"Seriously Vanessa, it was 20 years ago and your dad had a knife..."

My son said: "Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos.

Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

What do you call a Redditor eating Mexican food?

Incelada

My friend just told me he’s got these little lightsaber chopsticks he uses when he eats ramen.

I told him he should use the forks.

I recently had the opportunity to eat baby wookie

The taste was great, but the meat was a little chewy

Why did the student eat his homework?

Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake!

Refusing dessert after eating Chinese food...

Will cost you a fortune.

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This morning i sneezed all over my toast while eating it...

I can't believe it snot butter...

Two cannibals are eating a clown

Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other,

You know i didn't think Boris Johnson would taste that good.

two cannibals were eating a guy.

one says 'to be fair you start at the head I'll start at the feet." halfway through he says "how's it going?"
the other guy says "I'm having a ball."
first one says "you're eating too fast."

Ever have a dream that you are eating a gigantic marshmallow...

And wake up with your pillow missing?

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

Last night I had a dream I was eating noodles

But when I woke up I couldn't find my earphones

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention

They say you shouldn't eat takeout too often because it makes you fat...

I think it's worth the weight.

So these three clowns were eating a cannibal.

One of them said "I think we started this joke wrong."

My dietitian once told me "You are what you eat."

That was his last words though, I am a dietitian now.

A husband walks into his wife and her friends sitting on the couch eating snacks

"bunch of fat cows" muttered the husband

"what was that" shouted his wife

"you herd" replied the husband

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.

A police officer came across a pair of boys eating fireworks and batteries

He decided to charge one and let the other off

What do Christians say before eating a salad ?

Lettuce pray

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

What dessert do golfers eat?

Parfait

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

I just read that in an alternate ending to Beauty and the Beast the Beast turns ravenous and eats Cogsworth

He was delicious, but the whole process was time consuming.

What can you serve but not eat?

A tennis ball.

What did the whale eat for lunch?

Fish and Ships.

Why does the Frenchman only eat one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is en-Oeuf

Did you hear the story about the Man Eating Tree?

Well, long story short it was all bark and no bite.

If a vegan accidentally eats meat...

Do they break out in chives?

What does an electrician say when he eats dinner? Ohm, ohm, ohm

Ohm, ohm, ohm

Why don't dogs eat pancakes?

'Cause they only want Woofles!

A little boy asks his mother, "Mom, is it possible to eat electricity?"

The mother says: 'What? Where did you hear that?

The boy replied: "Yesterday I heard Dad say to you, 'Turn off the light and put it in your mouth.'

What does Alexa like to eat for breakfast?

Siri-al.

what’s it called when you eat cheese all by yourself?

prov-alone

Give a man a fish he eats for a day. What happens if you teach a man to duck?

He avoids walking into a bar.

A concerned parent calls their child’s pediatrician and says, “Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?”

Without missing a beat the doctor responds, “depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!”

What does the devil eat for dinner?

A Baalzone

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

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If you eat some fortune cookies whole...

You'll have some turds of wisdom.

I've always had a problem with eating my fingernails.

I get anxious and chew them off and eat them and they look terrible. One day my sister noticed and told me to go to the drug store for some press-on nails. She said they looked good and would keep me from biting my nails. So I went and bought some and she was right. They looked so good I ate them ri...

What type of bread do they eat for Rosh Hashanah in Wakanda?

T'Challah

I saw a boy eating the grass between the cracks in the curb

I went up to him and said "don't eat the grass, it's bad for you"

He looked at me and said "I haven't had any food for the last 3 days. This is all I can find"

I told him to get up and to come over to my place to get him a better meal

He stopped and said "well, my sister, she ha...

Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's time consuming... especially if you go back for seconds...

My friend said I am what I eat

But he didn’t say I am what I drink so I’m not an alcoholic.

What do koalas eat after a nuclear winter?

Apocalyptus

How long does it take for a crow to eat a dead squirrel on the road?

It depends on the traffic


(English is not my first language so sorry for any mistake)

One day a little boy was eating a chocolate bar, then suddenly a man approched him and said

"Listen kid, you should not eat chocolates, it'll cause diabetes and you'll die early, the boy replied "yes you're right,! My grandpa lived a long life of 100 years before he passed away".

The man asked, "why? Because he didn't eat any chocolates?"

The kid replied: No he used to mi...

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

A man is eating at his local dumpling shop.

The waiter comes over and asks if everything is OK with his meal today. "Meals wonderful! But these lights are so bright" he says.
Waiter asks "would you like us to turn them off?".
Man says "No, but maybe Dim Sum."

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Why is eating a woman out like being in the mafia?

One slip of the tongue and you’re in the shit.

My ex called me today - said she wanted me to eat her out...

Had to turn her down - after her I developed allergy to nuts

I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...

Because revenge is a dish best served cold

A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.

"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,

"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"

The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."

The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.

...

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

Two drunk men are eating out of a crock pot in the snow.

Neither of the men know what they are eating.

The first man says “Wow, this soup makes it feel hot out here!”

The second man looks in the pot, takes a bite, and says “No no, I think it’s chili.”

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to eating salt?

Don't worry, he was cured.

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What’s common between smoking and eating pussy?

The flavor changes when you reach the butt.


Source: Facebook

My girlfriend hates it when I don't eat her favorite food...

... and she always gets Jellos.

My 5 year old son told me this one, I am still amazed: What do French Frogs eat?

French Flies

What's better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out.

Person 1 says: I like Eminem

Person 2 says: Well, I prefer Skittles.
Person 1 says: No- I meant the rapper.
Person 2 says, confused: Why would you eat the wrapper?

What does the god Set eat with his salad?

Horus d’oeuvres.

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

What does McDonalds and your tinder hook-up have in common?

They don’t look as good as advertised but you’ll eat them anyways.

What’s the difference between Nicholas Cage and someone who can’t eat wheat?

Nicholas Cage would never turn down a roll

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

So I was eating out at a steak house the other night when some guy complained that the sign said Halal...

He said his beef should be killed the **American way**, to that all I could think is does he really expect a cow to enrol in a high school just to get shot by one of its peers?

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I'm sick of people telling me what I can and can't eat.

So fuck you , silica packets.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

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What does a guy with a big penis eat for breakfast?

I figured you wouldn’t know.

A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant

A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant. When the check comes to the table the dolphin insists on paying. The whale is quite grateful and wants to leave the tip at least but the dolphin respectfully declines.

The whale then says
“thanks if there’s anything you ever need let me k...

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

I got fired from McDonald's for constantly eating what was in front of me

And I got fired from the gynecologist for the same reason

What's green and eats nuts?

Gonorrhea

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

I let people eat dinner on my roof for free

It’s on the house

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

Synonym Toast Crunch

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