Someone told me today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Pretty obvious, since I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything."

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A man asked his wife if she can make him something to eat.

And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?".

A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt.

She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?"

Some time later the wife left and came home after a few hours. She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner ...

The waiter said to me “I just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”

I said “Good! I’ll take a water and some chicken tenders, and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?


Old Soviet joke. What is huge, noisy, eats 20 liters of gas per hour and cuts apples in 3 pieces?

Soviet machine that cuts apples in 4 pieces.

[A cinema ticket office attendant told me this] Q. How does Reese eat ice cream?

A. Witherspoon

What do you call friends that you go out to eat with?

Taste buds.

What happens if you eat 3.14159265359 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?

What do you call a rocket which eats other rockets?

A cannibalistic missile.

Whenever I go out to eat I always tip my server.

I've also learned that servers have horrible balance.

What did John Lennon say to his son when he wouldn’t eat his vegetables?

Give peas a chance!

A man is on trial for cannibalism

A man is on trial for cannibalism.
He says to the judge,

"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man."

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I told my girlfriend the saying “you are what you eat” is total BS.

She responded with “then why are you such a pussy?”

“You are what you eat”

I don’t remember eating anxiety and back problems

Give a man a duck, and he'll eat for a day

Teach a man to duck, and he'll stop walking into bars

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

Today I got called into HR after telling a colleague to eat my ass.

I got off with a warning after explaining that I meant it tongue-in-cheek.

I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant with my friend Sara.

She had recently been diagnosed lactose intolerant, and hadn't eaten dairy in months, so I was a little surprised she wanted to eat there.

Before the server could even ask if we wanted an appetizer, Sara blurted out "I haven't had cheese in forever. Bring us a cheese dip, and don't even bothe...

Why can't you see a Brachiosaurus eat?

Because they're dead.

Why did the students eat their homework?

Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

I hope you enjoyed my cake day joke.

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

What do you get when you eat a sandwich in bed?


I can eat sugar with either hand...

I'm ambidextrose!

Why don’t farmers let cows eat weed?

The steaks would be too high!
( I’ll see myself out...)

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today

Why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming

Why won't veegans eat eggs?

They are chicken.

Yeah I know, it is eggsasperating.

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What kind of ice cream would Phil Lesh eat if he were gay?

Been in Jerry’s.

Why don’t t-Rex’s eat plants?

Because they’re extinct

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

What do British nuclear engineers eat?

Fission chips

Why doesn’t Jesus eat M&Ms?

They keep falling through the holes in his hands

What happens when you take too long to eat a Now or Later?

It becomes an hour later.

I was in the downtown last night thinking about having a dinner and went to a nearby restaurant. I asked the waiter, "I don't eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy or gluten. What would you recommend?"

He said a taxi.

10 yo foster son joke: what doll is the best kind to eat?

A Barbie Que.

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On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.

Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking at the caterpillar and says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this caterpillar. But I'll wait until it has eaten the bud so that I can go and fill my belly!! " and then it waits patiently for the caterpillar to eat the bud.

Watching from another branch, a...

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A group of people went to eat

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan...

What do vegan zombies eat?


Why does Thanos eat cereal?

Because it's part of a well balanced breakfast

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What do Japanese cannibals eat?

Raw men

John went to a restaurant to eat..

John : "I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy..."

Waiter : "Maybe the chicken strips for $6?"

John : "Maybe it does but that doesn't help with my hunger."

If you are what you eat...

Then I’m a kid.

I go to Popeyes' to get the kids something to eat.

Maddie wanted the kids meal with a leg.

So I said “kids meal with the leg”

And the lady says “which side?”

Me- \*complete silence as I heavily contemplate such an odd decision

“I guess the right side, hell I don’t know what the difference is.”


How many pies can an explorer eat before they go deaf?

Two: a pie an ear!

I heard it’s easy to convince women not to eat Tide Pods…

But a lot harder to deter gents!

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn b...

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste Funny

Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

They prefer to eat their fingers separately.

what do ducks eat?


What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

What does a bear eat at a concert?


I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet

I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she aske...

When I was a kid we were so poor we had to eat sitting on the floor.

Every supper, mom would cook up another batch of filet mignons and we’d sit around on the floor eating them like a picnic.

One day dad came home and said he’d taken a gamble and bought us a table. Ever since then, the steaks have been raised.

What do houses eat when their breath stinks?


I think we should only kill things if we are going to eat them

which makes my stance on abortion not kosher at all

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I once heard of this man who told me "You are what you eat"...

But I just don't understand why such an intelligent person would be called an asshole many times.

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

What do you call the people you eat grass and make milk alongside?


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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

A father comes home after a long day of work, excited to eat the piece of cake he had been saving.

He opens the fridge, and sees the cake missing. The plate that the cake was on is still in the fridge, but it's empty!

He calls his four children to the kitchen.

"Which one of you ate my cake?"

The mother shakes her head and says "don't bother asking, no one ever takes blames ...

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. But why did seven eat nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat three squared meals a day.

If you eat 25 tacos and pass out, you’ll wake up in..


Did you know you can actually eat lava?

Only once though.

What do robots eat on a diet?


What snack would Rihanna eat when she's high?

Baked Brieanna

How many vegans does it take to eat a cheese and bacon burger?

One, if noone is watching.

Why did the school kids eat their homework?

>!Because everyone deserves a last meal.!<

I got an email that said If I eat too much canned meat, I might die..

Its Spam!

Why do the French eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

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A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."


"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"


The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

How do you eat duck eggs?

First you gotta quack em open!

person eats a egg

raw egg make big mess on the floor

Everyone keeps saying: "You are what you eat."

I stopped eating vegtables ever since.

Why does Popeye eat so much spinach?

Because it goes great with Olive Oyl.

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NSFW:If God didnt intend for man to eat pussy

He wouldn't have made it look so much like a taco.

The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.

Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator."

"Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him.

Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!"

"You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said.

Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrat...

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If ass tasted like cookies, would you be willing to eat ass?

Maybe, but you’d never be able to look the same way again at Cookie Monster.

A nom nom nom nom.

If I have 30 pieces of chocolate cake for my cake day, and eat 25 of them, what do I have?

Diabetes......I got diabetes.

I decided to change my diet; I’m starting to eat hot poultry sandwiches.

I’m quitting cold turkey.

A Time Traveller eats a really good cracker.

"Great BiScotti!"

Mom asked me where I'm taking her to go out to eat for mother's day.

I told her, "We already have food in the house".

Which bees eat brains?


What is it called like when a cannibal eats his own son?


What do Canadian horses eat?


What does Kanye West eat for breakfast?

Omelette you finish this joke.

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If scientists perfect our nutrition so that our bodies metabolize 100% of what we eat with zero waste, we may evolve to a pinnacle of civilization. Why?

There will be no more assholes in the world.

Doctor told me to eat more greens

Doctor: Well you should eat more greens
Me: ok

(Gets home)

Well time to dye all my burgers green

(Next check up)

Doctor: what the hell happened
Me: I went on a dye-it

What’s the slogan for the mediocre McDonald’s that werewolves eat at?

I’m lycan it

I sat down to eat my turkey sandwich and my wife yells, "Enjoying your meat, you murderer?"

I only wish one day goes by without her mentioning the time I killed her mother

What do an uber eats driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both smell it but can't eat it.

You are what you eat

Said the cannibal

My paralyzed girlfriend asked me to eat her out...

I told her I don’t eat vegetables

There's a group of white supremacists who don't eat meat

The Vegetaryan Brotherhood

Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

No, because clowns are inhuman and it doesn’t count as cannibalisim.

 However, if a clown eats another clown - that is clownibalisim.

What do sailors eat?

Boat meal

What do you calls a mathematicians bird that won’t eat ?

A polynomial

What do you a call it when one ghosts eats another ghost?


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Why won’t cannibals eat obese people after they have had sexual reassignment surgery?

Trans fats are bad for your health.

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I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...


Apparently most americans pray before they eat.

Could you imagine praying 18 times a day?

I asked my one-legged friend where he'd like to eat.


What kind of cereal does a school shooter eat?

Pumped Up Kix

What do plants like to eat?

A Light snack...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is getting pretty dull, so I've decided to eat nothing but Swiss cheese

I just need more 'holy shit' in my life

Why couldn’t the teddy bear eat anymore?

Because it was stuffed

What do pups eat in Italy?

Pawsta :D

What do thieves eat for breakfast?

Steel oats.

If "You are what you eat" was true...

My sister would be a vegetable,

My friend would be a hunk of meat,

And I would remain a human...

What does a Jamaican eat for breakfast?

A beer can sandwich.

What do you eat to make your farts follow people?

Ghost peppers.

I don't understand why people don't eat the crust. It's just another part of the food.

I think it tastes amazing just like the rest of the watermelon.

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