A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

Why did the farmer invest in horses?

He heard it was a stable industry

Why did Rockstar choose to invest in a Harbour when diversifying their assets?

Because their ports are always a disaster!

If mental asylums invested in walking trails for their patients,

They could really get away with calling them psycho paths.

Why is it a good investment to have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

Because then you have 100 sows and bucks.

Competing investment clubs are opening in Chicago.

The Chicago Bears and the Chicago Bulls.

My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.

He made some excellent points.

Investments in condoms outperform any stock or fund.

A 5$ investment today can yield $500,000 in savings at maturity (18 years). That's a 1,000,000% ROI!

I found an investment with a 5 dollar initial deposit and $500,000 return upon maturity.

Who woulda thought the ROI would be so high on a condom?

I've been investing in stocks recently

Chicken, Beef, Vegetable.....

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire

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The porn industry should really invest more to virgin porn

I believe there is alot of untapped potential there.

Savvy investors know that this is the time of year to invest in companies that sell supplies for school-goers.

This year, look out for companies like Colt, Smith & Wesson, and Ruger!

Never invest in Velcro

It’s a rip-off

Why did Tencent invest $150 million in Reddit?

[censored]

I tried starting two-legged chair business, but no one would invest.

I guess it just didn't sit well with anybody.

Never invest in Waste Management companies

All of those companies are trash

I'm waiting to invest in a hot air balloon

I don't want to lose my life's savings to inflation

I asked my bitcoin investing friend...

... can you give me $10.00 worth of bitcoin?
My friend: why do you need $9.53 worth of bitcoin, what will you do with $10.46 worth of bitcoin?

What was your best investment?

My wife

Why aren't farmers investing in flying cows?

Because the steaks are too high.

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I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?”

Me: “John”

Homeless man: “So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?

How many legs does that chicken have.”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, n...

What did the chef say when he invested all his money into his pasta restaurant?

It was worth every penne.

Invest on perfume businesses

It just makes scents

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Invest in porcelain.

Shit is going down!

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."




The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50




The ...

New Doctor is doing rounds in a psychiatric ward [Long]

He comes across a patient who looks perfectly fine otherwise and starts talking to him casually

Doctor: so what do you want to do in your life ?
Patient: I just want to make myself a slingshot and hunt myself some swallows

Doctor thinks to himself maybe that’s what’s wrong with the ...

Time to invest! Iron is becoming scarce.

First Iron Man and then the Iron Throne? There can't be much iron left.

Anyone want to invest in my new African-Asian fusion restaurant?

It's going to be call "Wok like an Egyptian".

Don’t invest in the lollipop business.

That market’s for suckers.

Tina Turner was asked to invest in a rom-com reboot of Stephen King's clown movie

She asked, "what's love got to do with *It*?"

Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother

For $10 worth of bitcoin

B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin?


T: I just want to start investing for college?


B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you.


T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for?


B: I gave you $15.43...

I might decide to invest in Velcro

but I heard it’s a rip off.

My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.

I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.

Henry Winkler committed investment fraud

It was a Fonzie scheme

An Investment Banker Was Getting Married.

During Wedding, The Wife Vomits.
Husband: "What Happened?"
Wife: "Capital Gains Arising Out Of Previous Investment."
Husband: "U cheated me.."
Wife: "U should know, mutual fund investments are subject to market risks!"

I tried to invest in the gravy industry

But there wasn't much stock in it.

A boy asked his bitcoin investing dad...

...for 100$ worth of bitcoin.

Dad: 98.7$ ? , what will you do with 105$? Can't you just think how valuable 95$ is?

What's the biggest difference between men and investment bonds?

Bonds mature.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW I lost all my money investing in a 2 story brothel.

Too much fucking overhead.

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Arranged marriage

An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.

His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?”

He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to s...

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

A German sneaks into a swiss bank:

"I want to invest one million euros." he whispers.

The banker says: "You can talk aloud, poverty is no shame in Switzerland."

I got an email from a Nigerian Prince asking me for $100,000 to help him build a business and in return I am promised 10 fold. What does he think I am a fool?

I already invested in a Prince from Qatar for half the price last week. Sucker can’t scam me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who had three beautiful girlfriends

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you cause I...

A CEO went to see his lawyer and was greeted with the following comment:

"I have some good news and some bad news for you.”

“OK, I've had an awful day, so let’s hear the good news first,” the man replied.

“Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures that are now worth a minimum of 2 million.”

“Well done, very good news indeed!" said the CEO enthu...

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A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”...

I am going to invest in Deer Farming...

seems like the best bang for buck!

How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin?

Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

My town has a large epilepsy hospital

Today, I wanted to do something nice for the kids: they’re always so sad about not being able to do normal things. It was a $1200 investment for all of them total, but...

Who’s ready for laser tag!?

Someone at a BDSM convention asked me what investments he should make

I told them to invest in stocks and bonds

Date: What do you do for a living?

Me: I am an investment banker by day, but an alien hunter by night.

Date: Silly you, there are no aliens.

Me: You're welcome!

My dad told me to invest my money into bonds.

So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.

My friend recently advised me to invest in marijuana businesses...

Apparently it's a growing industry.

I was investing in Monopoly games

Until I realized that there is no real money in them

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client

He says,

"John, I have some good news and some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will b...

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Why couldn't the blood invest in Bitcoin?

It's a Cryptocurrency. Now give me karma my wife left me, I lost custody of my kids and I just lost my job. I'm about one more thing from snapping, for the love of fucking god upvote this damn post.

Took my brother to the aquarium and threw him in the shark tank

He came back out with a $500,000 investment

(I know this is absolutely not funny but it came to me in a dream)

Lifetime Investment

This morning I heard someone shouting loudly on a megaphone outside my window. Saying "If you invest $15.00 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out onto the balcony with curiosity and saw the idiot, he was selling chairs..

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO...

... After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies,...

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Picking a wife (long)

There is a man. A rich man. He has three beautiful girlfriends and he wants to marry one of them. He has to leave for business for a year and decides to set up a little test to see which one he should marry. He gives all of them $100,000 and tells them he will be back in a year.

A year goes ...

A man goes on his annual bear hunting trip to Canada...

The first year he goes with a small pistol as it's his first time. As he's walking through the forest he sees a bear, shoots at it and runs over to find the body when he gets over to where the bear should be there's no sign of the bear... then there's a tap on his shoulder and the bear bums him. ...

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A prince in a distant and very rich kingdom decided it was time to get married.

After announcing his intentions, three beautiful noble women showed up as candidates.

Not knowing which one he should marry, the prince had the idea of proposing a contest. He gave 1000 golden coins to each woman and told them: "You have 5 days to spend all of this coins, then come back to me...

The key to a long marriage (My 85 year old uncle, a retired investment stock broker, used to tell this to his clients. He told it to me and I thought I'd share it)

A pastor was addressing his congregation about marriage and staying together. He asked his flock:

"How many couples have been married for 1 year?"

a bunch of hands rose

"How many couples have been married 5 years?"

Still a lot of hands rose

"How many 10 year couple...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the...

US and Russia are at war

It has been going on for endless years so they decide to have a dog fight in 6 months time to see who will be considered winner of the war.
The US invests heavily in steroids for dogs, medicine to improve reactions, implant shark teeth in their dog, cut its ears, its tail, oil it all up, basicall...

Do you want to invest with me into a chiropractic center?

It will be a joint venture

What do you call and Alligator who wears a vest ?

An Invest-igator

A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.

He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your investment portfolio is $950 billion."

The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon ...

Dracula says he doesn't want to become an investment banker..

He said he hates stakeholders.

A man and his son were walking through a dark coastal town.

They couldn't fathom why it was so dark. So they made their ways to an old harbourside Inn, and spoke to the landlord. He said that since their only source of energy ran out the town was suffering blackouts and there was nothing they could do about it without the funding for some cleaner, greener en...

What is the most ridiculous and funniest investment scheme ever?

A Punzi scheme.

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