UPJOKE
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A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.37? What do you need $11.32 for?

Got an email asking me to invest in Egyptian architecture.

Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

I decided to invest in an agricultural company

I was impressed with their organic growth

Last year I got on the bandwagon and invested $10,000 into a holding company.

This year, I found out what the company was holding;

$2,650 of my investment.

where do pigs invest their money?

the slop market

Now more than ever, you’d be silly not to be investing in Russian automatic rifles.

Never fired, only dropped once.

Where does 007 invest his money?

Bonds. Stocks and bonds.

Did you hear about the man who invested in a rodent cemetery?

He lost money because of the diminishing rat urns.

I've decided to invest in boomerangs

They're not too popular now, but I'm betting they'll make a comeback!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided to invest $45 on a book called "The Secret to Making Money"

It was written by a well-known celebrity who was rich, so I thought 'why not?'

Well, it turns out there really is an easy Secret to making money; You have to be rich, well-known, and have a publisher who'll ghostwrite and sell your bullshit for $45.

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

What do skeletons invest in?

Crypt-ocurrency

I've begun investing heavily in beef, chicken and vegetable stocks.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."


The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I ...

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

I feel like I should invest in Bread

Might sound crazy, but over time it'll make me a lot of dough

What's the quickest way to become a millionaire in the stock market?

Invest a billion dollars.

Where does a rooster invest his money

In chicken stock!



Reposted for spelling

What do you call an alligator with an investment account?

An investigator

According to the Time Honoured British Tradition...

They are now outsourcing their problems to some Indian guy when they invest neither the resources or time or skill to resolve it themselves.

How do you get $1000 in cryptocurrency?

Invest $2000

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times.

Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.

My dad is trying to get me to invest in joke production.

I'm pretty sure it's a punzi scheme.

My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company.

It was the wurst decision of his life

I was trying to explain how crypto investment works to my dad.

Today he removed my name from his will and transferred all his property under my name to his name.

My first real estate investment will involve campers and dolphins...

For all intents and porpoises...

Trump as president visiting kindergarten, school and prison...

So, Trump with Mike Pence visits institutions around US to see what he can do to make infrastructure better for people.
First, kindergarten. He sees leaking roof, worn out toys and playground, underpayed teachers.
- Mike, write down, let's donate from federal budget 1 milion $ to each kinderg...

I know a guy who is asking for money to invest in Happy Days collectibles.

I told him no. I think he is running a Fonzi scheme.

Want to double your money instantly without anysort of investment plans?

Cool, me too. I just placed the cash bundle in front of the mirror.

This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week!

Just invest in the British stock market

Why did Tencent invest $150 million in Reddit?

[censored]

If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early into Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested £10 in 1890,

You would be dead.

Why does John the Baptist have more money than Jesus?

Because Jesus saves while John invests!

I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they...

...show me the moon, eh!

I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest $50 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs

Why shouldn't you invest in funeral homes?

It's a dying industry

What do you have if you are unable to remove a paperweight from your pile of timber industry investment certificates?

A stuck stack of stick stocks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

A Nigerian businessman emailed me to invest in his mining business

Edit: thanks for the gold stranger

I figured it how to become a millionaire by taking stock advice from Reddit!

The catch is that you have to start investing when you're a billionaire...

I invested all my money in a sylvester stallone action figure

my finances are a little rocky.

I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant

He said: it’s naan of your business

If you had invested $1000 in JP Morgan in 1882, today you'll be

D E A D

Why did the customer demand a refund on their echo chamber?

It wasn't the sound return on their investment they'd hoped for.

What do you call investing your partners paycheck into a crypto currency they don't like?

Passive aggressive income

So I invested in a hot air balloon company...

And it's really taken off

So I invested in Teflon recently,

It didn't stick.

I lost 50 pounds in the past month

Investing money in the London stock market wasn't a good idea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An inventor goes to the bank for help with funding...

(Many years on Reddit and I've never seen this joke that a customer told my brother and I while we were waiting tables in Yellowstone.)

An inventor goes into a bank for a loan:
The banker across the desk says "Pitch me your idea."
The inventor hands him an apple.
The banker is alre...

My friend has been trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.

He makes some very good points.

I got asked if i'd like to invest in the development of a new invisibility cloak.

I said no.


I just couldn't see it becoming a thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

I invested in a coin making machine

It just made cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women hate having sex with people who invested in Gme stock?

They never pull out

How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin?

Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

Why does Tom Brady hate investing cryptocurrancy

Because it could lead to inflation.

Dolly Parton has invested $1m in the Moderna covid vaccine

It's working 9 to 5 perecent of the time, what a way to keep us living

Why did God invest WASPs?

Somebody has to pay retail.

Batman invited all the superheros to an evening discussing bitcoin investments

Superman didn't go because it was a crypto-night.

Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother

For $10 worth of bitcoin

B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin?


T: I just want to start investing for college?


B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you.


T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for?


B: I gave you $15.43...

Who knew naming a for-profit investment app after an anti-rich hero was just marketing.

I’m astounded, and am immediately switching to one called Mother Theresa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

The first people to invest themselves in Apple

were Adam and Eve

Anyone want to invest in my new African-Asian fusion restaurant?

It's going to be call "Wok like an Egyptian".

The other day I invested in a meat company.

I bought a 20 percent steak.

Why is a skateboard a good investment?

Because you can flip it.

Why should you always invest into the bean market?

The stalks can only go up

Why don't people in trailer parks invest in the stock market?

Because their money is tied up in bonds.

Why did Rockstar choose to invest in a Harbour when diversifying their assets?

Because their ports are always a disaster!

I tried starting two-legged chair business, but no one would invest.

I guess it just didn't sit well with anybody.

What's the difference between me and the stock market?

1) My parents are actually invested in the stock market

2) The stock market still has some value

3) People care that the stock market is currently depressed

Why is Ireland a good investment ?

Cause its capital is dublin'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why couldn't the blood invest in Bitcoin?

It's a Cryptocurrency. Now give me karma my wife left me, I lost custody of my kids and I just lost my job. I'm about one more thing from snapping, for the love of fucking god upvote this damn post.

My dad told me to invest my money into bonds.

So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.

For richer or poorer

I asked my wife if she'd be interested in investing some of her money in stocks, like I invest mine.

She responded: "No, because if you'll get rich, I'll be rich, too."

So I asked her if the reverse is also true. Her response was:

"Sure! If I'll become poor, you'll be poor, too...

Why did the farmer invest in horses?

He heard it was a stable industry

Time to invest! Iron is becoming scarce.

First Iron Man and then the Iron Throne? There can't be much iron left.

I am going to invest in Deer Farming...

seems like the best bang for buck!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man and logic

So a man had three girlfriends and he needed to choose one of them to marry so he gave them each 5 grand to see what they would do with it

The first spent it all on herself- getting her hair done, nails done, outfits so that she could look amazing for him

The second took the money an...

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment..

And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50

Never invest in Waste Management companies

All of those companies are trash

Invest on perfume businesses

It just makes scents

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

Why shouldn't you invest in muslim-owned businesses?

They never show a prophet.

"Make this one investment and you can get almost anything for free for the rest of your life!"

To be honest, I'm glad I made the investment. My gun dealer wasn't lying when he said that!

If mental asylums invested in walking trails for their patients,

They could really get away with calling them psycho paths.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The porn industry should really invest more to virgin porn

I believe there is alot of untapped potential there.

I tried to learn to invest money, but i could not figure it out, so i put all of my money into a bank account.

It all makes cents now.

A crossfit enthused, bitcoin investing vegan walks into a bar...

Oh, they already told you about it too?

I'm waiting to invest in a hot air balloon

I don't want to lose my life's savings to inflation

Someone at a BDSM convention asked me what investments he should make

I told them to invest in stocks and bonds

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO...

... After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies,...

Don’t invest in the lollipop business.

That market’s for suckers.

Don't invest in SeaWorld

It's really starting to tank

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is dating three women...

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys ...

I might decide to invest in Velcro

but I heard it’s a rip off.

It's always good to invest in grappling hooks

Their value is always going up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...

Because you're at an all-time low.

(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

Tina Turner was asked to invest in a rom-com reboot of Stephen King's clown movie

She asked, "what's love got to do with *It*?"

I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were.

They said chicken or vegetable

How can I invest in the Mexican airline industry?

Call me crazy but once this wall goes up I’ve got a gut-feeling I think that’s one industry that will really be taking off.

My friend recently advised me to invest in marijuana businesses...

Apparently it's a growing industry.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pig?

The pig doesn't turn into an investment banker when it's drunk.

I tried to invest in the gravy industry

But there wasn't much stock in it.

Did you hear about the dog who told his owner to invest in tennis balls?

They had a high rate of return.

I lost everything investing in poultry

That’s what you get for putting your money in chicken stock.

A man walks into a bank with a 100 dollar check he wants cashed.

The banker asks him if he wouldn't rather invest it?

"No." says the man. "I don't trust these banks more than I have too. If I give you my 100 dollars, what happens if the investment goes south? I'll lose everything."

"Well," says the banker with a paternal smile, "If that happens, all...

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