A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

I’ve started to invest in stocks.

Beef, chicken, and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $6.67? What do you need $15.32 for?

The best investment

The best investment you can make is to buy a politician for what they are worth and sell them for what they think they are worth.

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company.

It was the wurst decision of his life

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I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

What do you call investing your partners paycheck into a crypto currency they don't like?

Passive aggressive income

I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they...

...show me the moon, eh!

I know a guy who is asking for money to invest in Happy Days collectibles.

I told him no. I think he is running a Fonzi scheme.

If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early into Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested £10 in 1890,

You would be dead.

Never invest in Egyptian archaeology

It's a pyramid scheme

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

I invested in a coin making machine

It just made cents.

So I invested in Teflon recently,

It didn't stick.

Why shouldn't you invest in funeral homes?

It's a dying industry

I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest $50 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs

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Man and logic

So a man had three girlfriends and he needed to choose one of them to marry so he gave them each 5 grand to see what they would do with it

The first spent it all on herself- getting her hair done, nails done, outfits so that she could look amazing for him

The second took the money an...

My girlfriend wanted to look slimmer for a party so she invested in a corset.

She’s had a very hard year coping with things and was determined to go looking like a million bucks. She told me what it meant to her to be with me and how this was the only thing she had been looking forward to for months. I helped her into her corset and between us we managed to lace her up.
<...

Batman invited all the superheros to an evening discussing bitcoin investments

Superman didn't go because it was a crypto-night.

If you had invested $1000 in JP Morgan in 1882, today you'll be

D E A D

Why does Tom Brady hate investing cryptocurrancy

Because it could lead to inflation.

I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant

He said: it’s naan of your business

So I invested in a hot air balloon company...

And it's really taken off

I never should have invested with that Bernie guy.

Now he's Madoff with the cash.

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An Old Man Get's The Attention Of The IRS For Some Suspicious Activities

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

A Nigerian businessman emailed me to invest in his mining business

Edit: thanks for the gold stranger

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Why do women hate having sex with people who invested in Gme stock?

They never pull out

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

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A man is trying to decide which woman to marry...

He is picking out of three women. In order to test which one he should marry he gave each one of them $5000 to see what they would do.

The first woman spends her money on new clothes, lingerie, and a total makeover. She tells him she did it because she loves him so much and wants to look gre...

Who knew naming a for-profit investment app after an anti-rich hero was just marketing.

I’m astounded, and am immediately switching to one called Mother Theresa.

The other day I invested in a meat company.

I bought a 20 percent steak.

What do you call a stock broker that also works as a private eye?

An Invest-igator

Dolly Parton has invested $1m in the Moderna covid vaccine

It's working 9 to 5 perecent of the time, what a way to keep us living

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Investing in Bitcoin is like sex without a condom

Everyone's pushing you to do it and it feels good once it's rising, but not withdrawing in time can be costly.

A lot of people aren’t 100% sure of their orientation

That's why you need to invest in a cumpass

Why did Tencent invest $150 million in Reddit?

[censored]

"Make this one investment and you can get almost anything for free for the rest of your life!"

To be honest, I'm glad I made the investment. My gun dealer wasn't lying when he said that!

Need advice

A bit hesitant to invest my money into this dubious Egyptian real estate company.

I am afraid it might be a pyramide scheme.

Why did God invest WASPs?

Somebody has to pay retail.

My friend gave a presentation trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

I got asked if i'd like to invest in the development of a new invisibility cloak.

I said no.


I just couldn't see it becoming a thing.

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There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a televis...

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $10 to15million. And I think she could be right." Paul replied e...

Why is a skateboard a good investment?

Because you can flip it.

I had no complaints....

I had no complaints when i became interested in Buddhism and became a Budist

a few more when i became invested in affirmative action and became an activist

but as soon as i got into fashion....

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

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If I had one million dollars, I'd pay your mom to have sex with me.

Afterward, I would probably invest the remaining nine hundred ninty nine thousand nine hundred ninty nine dollars

Why is Ireland a good investment ?

Cause its capital is dublin'

Boss hired a secretary

10 days later the Boss *committed suicide* by jumping from his 27th floor office...

Police : Who was there at that time in the room ?


Secretary : I was there.


Police :What happened ? Why did he commit suicide ?


Secretary :He was a good man. One day he bought ...

Why don't people in trailer parks invest in the stock market?

Because their money is tied up in bonds.

The first people to invest themselves in Apple

were Adam and Eve

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pig?

The pig doesn't turn into an investment banker when it's drunk.

A man furiously approaches his neighbour and shouts, “Where is your wife!?”

“Why?” the neighbour asks. “What did Anna do?”

“She tricked my wife into investing in a fake farm for giant snakes,” the man yelled.

“Anna conned her?”

“No. Burmese python.”

I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were.

They said chicken or vegetable

Why should you always invest into the bean market?

The stalks can only go up

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment..

And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50

Jesus Saves

Moses invests...

Why did Rockstar choose to invest in a Harbour when diversifying their assets?

Because their ports are always a disaster!

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted...

Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother

For $10 worth of bitcoin

B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin?


T: I just want to start investing for college?


B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you.


T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for?


B: I gave you $15.43...

How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin?

Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

Anyone want to invest in my new African-Asian fusion restaurant?

It's going to be call "Wok like an Egyptian".

I lost everything investing in poultry

That’s what you get for putting your money in chicken stock.

Why did the farmer invest in horses?

He heard it was a stable industry

I tried starting two-legged chair business, but no one would invest.

I guess it just didn't sit well with anybody.

If mental asylums invested in walking trails for their patients,

They could really get away with calling them psycho paths.

We've all heard of "dogs with jobs." But where do they keep their investments?

A 401K-9

I tried to learn to invest money, but i could not figure it out, so i put all of my money into a bank account.

It all makes cents now.

Return on investment

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she begins, “would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replies the lawyer. “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny t...

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The porn industry should really invest more to virgin porn

I believe there is alot of untapped potential there.

I’d recommend investing in Weed Wacker companies...

They work on cutting edge technology

Never invest in Waste Management companies

All of those companies are trash

For obvious reasons, I invested heavily in crematoria.

Also joined the anti-vaxxers league.

Time to invest! Iron is becoming scarce.

First Iron Man and then the Iron Throne? There can't be much iron left.

Invest on perfume businesses

It just makes scents

I'm waiting to invest in a hot air balloon

I don't want to lose my life's savings to inflation

Investing in an assisted suicide centre has its pros and cons

The service is non-refundable but there are no repeat customers

I invested all of my money on cannabis infused beef.

The steaks are high

My dad told me to invest my money into bonds.

So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.

I am going to invest in Deer Farming...

seems like the best bang for buck!

I just lost a lot of money to a con-artist

He had this great pitch about investing in an innovative company that could identify male sheep by their urine. Turns out it was a pee-ram-id scheme.

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Why couldn't the blood invest in Bitcoin?

It's a Cryptocurrency. Now give me karma my wife left me, I lost custody of my kids and I just lost my job. I'm about one more thing from snapping, for the love of fucking god upvote this damn post.

I'm heavily invested in a depreciating asset and it feels like I'm just flushing my stock away

Does anyone know where I can find more toilet paper?

Don’t invest in the lollipop business.

That market’s for suckers.

I recently started investing heavily into penny stocks.

It just seemed to make a lot of cents...

I might decide to invest in Velcro

but I heard it’s a rip off.

Tina Turner was asked to invest in a rom-com reboot of Stephen King's clown movie

She asked, "what's love got to do with *It*?"

Someone at a BDSM convention asked me what investments he should make

I told them to invest in stocks and bonds

Why aren't farmers investing in flying cows?

Because the steaks are too high.

A crossfit enthused, bitcoin investing vegan walks into a bar...

Oh, they already told you about it too?

I couldn't find any publishers for my autobiography, so I invested a whole pile of my own money and got 10,000 copies printed. I'm yet to sell even one copy.

Story of my life.

I tried to invest in the gravy industry

But there wasn't much stock in it.

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO...

... After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies,...

I missed out on a great investment opportunity 5 years ago which required an initial deposit of $4 and had a return of thousands of dollars!

Don't believe me? Just ask my 4-year old!

Competing investment clubs are opening in Chicago.

The Chicago Bears and the Chicago Bulls.

My friend recently advised me to invest in marijuana businesses...

Apparently it's a growing industry.

I found an investment with a 5 dollar initial deposit and $500,000 return upon maturity.

Who woulda thought the ROI would be so high on a condom?

Why shouldn't you invest in muslim-owned businesses?

They never show a prophet.

It's always good to invest in grappling hooks

Their value is always going up

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surpri...

Don't invest in SeaWorld

It's really starting to tank

I got an email from a Nigerian Prince asking me for $100,000 to help him build a business and in return I am promised 10 fold. What does he think I am a fool?

I already invested in a Prince from Qatar for half the price last week. Sucker can’t scam me.

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