I’ve started to invest in stocks.

Beef, chicken, and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

A man furiously approaches his neighbour and shouts, “Where is your wife!?”

“Why?” the neighbour asks. “What did Anna do?”

“She tricked my wife into investing in a fake farm for giant snakes,” the man yelled.

“Anna conned her?”

“No. Burmese python.”

I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they...

...show me the moon, eh!

Boss hired a secretary

10 days later the Boss *committed suicide* by jumping from his 27th floor office...

Police : Who was there at that time in the room ?


Secretary : I was there.


Police :What happened ? Why did he commit suicide ?


Secretary :He was a good man. One day he bought ...

So I invested in Teflon recently,

It didn't stick.

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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

My girlfriend wanted to look slimmer for a party so she invested in a corset.

She’s had a very hard year coping with things and was determined to go looking like a million bucks. She told me what it meant to her to be with me and how this was the only thing she had been looking forward to for months. I helped her into her corset and between us we managed to lace her up.
<...

Batman invited all the superheros to an evening discussing bitcoin investments

Superman didn't go because it was a crypto-night.

If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early into Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested £10 in 1890,

You would be dead.

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If I had one million dollars, I'd pay your mom to have sex with me.

Afterward, I would probably invest the remaining nine hundred ninty nine thousand nine hundred ninty nine dollars

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There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a televis...

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company.

It was the wurst decision of his life

I know a guy who is asking for money to invest in Happy Days collectibles.

I told him no. I think he is running a Fonzi scheme.

Why does Tom Brady hate investing cryptocurrancy

Because it could lead to inflation.

I just lost a lot of money to a con-artist

He had this great pitch about investing in an innovative company that could identify male sheep by their urine. Turns out it was a pee-ram-id scheme.

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

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A man has three girlfriends, but doesn't know which one to marry... [Long]

So he decides to make a test to find out which one of the three suits him the best. He gives each of them 5K USD and says to them: Spend it on whatever you like.

The first girlfriend goes shopping. Buys clothes, jewelry, goes to the barber, cosmetics etc. She says to the man: I spend all your...

Never invest in Egyptian archaeology

It's a pyramid scheme

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

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Moshe wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You’ll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

Moshe ...

If you had invested $1000 in JP Morgan in 1882, today you'll be

D E A D

So I invested in a hot air balloon company...

And it's really taken off

Why shouldn't you invest in funeral homes?

It's a dying industry

The other day I invested in a meat company.

I bought a 20 percent steak.

I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest $50 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs

I got an email from a Nigerian Prince asking me for $100,000 to help him build a business and in return I am promised 10 fold. What does he think I am a fool?

I already invested in a Prince from Qatar for half the price last week. Sucker can’t scam me.

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Why do women hate having sex with people who invested in Gme stock?

They never pull out

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Why People Hate School Re-Unions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey ...

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A young boy is asking his father how he got so rich in the stock market.

The father says, “well son, I do a lot of careful research. I find a stock that is solid, has a lot of promise, has good people behind it, and I take $100 and invest $100 in that stock. Then I take $1000 and short sell that same stock with the $1000.”

The son says, “how does that make any sen...

Who knew naming a for-profit investment app after an anti-rich hero was just marketing.

I’m astounded, and am immediately switching to one called Mother Theresa.

I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant

He said: it’s naan of your business

How do shoe stores diversify their portfolios?

They invest in socks.

Two brokers are discussing their luck lately with the stock market.

One moans to another, 'With how bad my portfolio's been performing lately, I'd have better luck investing in my own failure!'

His companion looks to him and says 'Don't think like that. Failure is not an option.'

"Make this one investment and you can get almost anything for free for the rest of your life!"

To be honest, I'm glad I made the investment. My gun dealer wasn't lying when he said that!

What do you call it when stock traders take over your home?

An investation

I’m so glad I installed a bidet on my toilet.

These are the kind of investments that are right up my alley!

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Investing in Bitcoin is like sex without a condom

Everyone's pushing you to do it and it feels good once it's rising, but not withdrawing in time can be costly.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so
let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed
me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very n...

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An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

Dolly Parton has invested $1m in the Moderna covid vaccine

It's working 9 to 5 perecent of the time, what a way to keep us living

A man walks down the street and sees a homeless person.

The homeless person asks him for some change, but the man only has a 20$ bill on him. So he asks himself “do I really want to see these 20$ invested in drugs? No.” And so he gave the twenty to the homeless person

A Nigerian businessman emailed me to invest in his mining business

Edit: thanks for the gold stranger

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A toothpaste factory had a problem

Due to the way the production line was set up, sometimes empty boxes were shipped without the tube inside. People with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming off of it is perfect 100% ...

My friend Dave was a single guy living at home with his Father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly Father died.

Dave wanted two things:

1. To learn how to invest his inheritance.
2. To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ord...

Why did God invest WASPs?

Somebody has to pay retail.

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

Why is a skateboard a good investment?

Because you can flip it.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pig?

The pig doesn't turn into an investment banker when it's drunk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surpri...

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Blonde walks into a bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York city, and talks to the bank's loan officer, asking for a loan.

Loan officer: "How much do you need to take a loan out for?"

Blonde: "Only $1000."

Loan officer: "Do you have collateral?"

The blonde pulls out the keys to a 2016 Ferrar...

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted...

Pretty sure it's original, very rough edges type joke. Input welcome.

A man decides to open his own Plant Nursery. After a few months his business starts going under so he goes to apply for a loan
The loan officer goes to the place of business and asks a couple questions
"sir do you have a background in the study of plants?"
"No, I just got this company on a ...

Why is Ireland a good investment ?

Cause its capital is dublin'

I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were.

They said chicken or vegetable

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Since we're doing favourites, here's mine:

Three men are walking along a beach when they come across a lamp buried in the sand. They pull it out and dust it off and out pops a genie.

"For giving me my freedom, I shall grant each of you three wishes," he declares.

The first guy says, "I wish for a billion dollars!" Poof, his b...

My friend gave a presentation trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women’s lingerie.

But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.

(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)

Why was Theodore so concerned when the stock price dropped?

He was invest-Ted.

I was thinking about going into business and opening my own distillery...

But my accountant thinks that's a whiskey investment.

How To Become a Millionaire:

Be a billionaire and invest in an airline company.

I lost everything investing in poultry

That’s what you get for putting your money in chicken stock.

A young man named Theseus moves to a lakeside fishing village looking for work

When he arrives, he finds one of the residents, Justin, is interested in going out and seeing the world, and wants to sell his fishing boat to fund that trip. Thinking that it might be a good way to make a living, Theseus buys the boat and spends the next few years learning the trade, establishing a...

Return on investment

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she begins, “would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replies the lawyer. “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny t...

A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.

She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie:

today’s investment will pay big dividends!”

We've all heard of "dogs with jobs." But where do they keep their investments?

A 401K-9

For obvious reasons, I invested heavily in crematoria.

Also joined the anti-vaxxers league.

I got asked if i'd like to invest in the development of a new invisibility cloak.

I said no.


I just couldn't see it becoming a thing.

Investing in an assisted suicide centre has its pros and cons

The service is non-refundable but there are no repeat customers

Why don't people in trailer parks invest in the stock market?

Because their money is tied up in bonds.

I’d recommend investing in Weed Wacker companies...

They work on cutting edge technology

I heard people in western countries buy fancy undergarments.

In other words, people in west invest in vests.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Making yachts during the coronavirus lockdown

I have a friend named Pete who makes yachts for a living. Pete was quite worried about the virus as he thought not many people would be in the market for one of his nice boats. His yachts are big, sturdy, and beautiful, but primarily they're designed for big groups of people. Who's going to want to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to him so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?”

Man: “John”

Homeless man: “So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?

How many legs does that chicken have.”

Man: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right,...

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment..

And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50

I'm heavily invested in a depreciating asset and it feels like I'm just flushing my stock away

Does anyone know where I can find more toilet paper?

Jesus saves!

Moses invests!

But only Buddha guarantees returns.

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

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A priest, a politician, and a janitor are asked what they would do if they won a million dollars

"Why, I would invest it in some refurbishments for our great church, for the glory of God, and give the rest to charity!" says the priest.

"I would invest it in schools because our children need a good education and strong family values!" says the politician.

"If I get a million dollar...

I recently started investing heavily into penny stocks.

It just seemed to make a lot of cents...

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

**Papa John:**

**Accountant:** 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

**Papa John:** And that's...

**Accountant:** *(sighs)* 258,000 pizzas

I couldn't find any publishers for my autobiography, so I invested a whole pile of my own money and got 10,000 copies printed. I'm yet to sell even one copy.

Story of my life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has 3 candidates for a wife

A man has 3 candidates for a wife, so he gives each of them £1000 to see what they will do

The first one went out and bought gifts for him saying "this is to show that I care for you"

The second cot a plastic surgery saying "I will do anything to satisfy you"

The third one inves...

I missed out on a great investment opportunity 5 years ago which required an initial deposit of $4 and had a return of thousands of dollars!

Don't believe me? Just ask my 4-year old!

I purchased $1000 in Bose stock today...

My accountant said it would be a sound investment.

I invested all of my money on cannabis infused beef.

The steaks are high

Hairstyle Competition

Hello, my name is John and I would like to tell you about the time I entered a hairstyle competition. You see, I have always loved trying out different hairstyles and colors. It is something I have put great effort into!

It was about February of last year that the idea of entering a hairstyle...

Why should you always invest into the bean market?

The stalks can only go up

The first people to invest themselves in Apple

were Adam and Eve

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