The 58+ Best Invest Jokes

My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

How do you get a million dollars in crypto investing?

Start with ten million.

A boy asked his Crypto-investing dad for $10.00 worth of Shiba Inu currency..

Dad: $16.57? What do you need $3.28 for?

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

I got an email asking me to invest in Egyptian architecture.

Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

After years of Investing and Careful Trading I finally have a Six figure Portfolio thanks to Crypto.

Current Balance: $10.0001

I was shocked to learn my fathers entire portfolio was invested in Rita Hayworth, Bette Davis, Hedy Lamarr, Mae West and Lauren Bacall...

He tells me it's a broad index fund.

Why did Tencent invest $150 million in Reddit?

[censored]

Where does 007 invest his money?

Bonds. Stocks and bonds.

I decided to invest in an agricultural company

I was impressed with their organic growth

where do pigs invest their money?

the slop market

What kind of investments does a clown make?

Laughing stocks!!

Why do pediatricians not like long term investments?

They have little patients.

How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin?

Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

I've decided to invest in boomerangs

They're not too popular now, but I'm betting they'll make a comeback!

Now more than ever, you’d be silly not to be investing in Russian automatic rifles.

Never fired, only dropped once.

Did you hear about the man who invested in a rodent cemetery?

He lost money because of the diminishing rat urns.

What do skeletons invest in?

Crypt-ocurrency

I’ve started investing in stocks; beef, chicken and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

I feel like I should invest in Bread

Might sound crazy, but over time it'll make me a lot of dough

Where does a rooster invest his money

In chicken stock!

Reposted for spelling

My dad is trying to get me to invest in joke production.

I'm pretty sure it's a punzi scheme.

My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company.

It was the wurst decision of his life

I know a guy who is asking for money to invest in Happy Days collectibles.

I told him no. I think he is running a Fonzi scheme.

What do you call an alligator with an investment account?

An investigator

I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they...

...show me the moon, eh!

Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother

For $10 worth of bitcoin

B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin?

T: I just want to start investing for college?

B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you.

T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for?

B: I gave you $15.43...

My first real estate investment will involve campers and dolphins...

For all intents and porpoises...

I was trying to explain how crypto investment works to my dad.

Today he removed my name from his will and transferred all his property under my name to his name.

I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest $50 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs

Why shouldn't you invest in funeral homes?

It's a dying industry

If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early into Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested £10 in 1890,

You would be dead.

A Nigerian businessman emailed me to invest in his mining business

Edit: thanks for the gold stranger

Want to double your money instantly without anysort of investment plans?

Cool, me too. I just placed the cash bundle in front of the mirror.

I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant

He said: it’s naan of your business

I am looking for investors for my new mind controlled air freshener.

When you think about it, it makes scents.

What do you have if you are unable to remove a paperweight from your pile of timber industry investment certificates?

A stuck stack of stick stocks.

I invested all my money in a sylvester stallone action figure

my finances are a little rocky.

How do you get $1000 in cryptocurrency?

Invest $2000

If you had invested $1000 in JP Morgan in 1882, today you'll be

D E A D

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I ...

What do you call investing your partners paycheck into a crypto currency they don't like?

Passive aggressive income

I got asked if i'd like to invest in the development of a new invisibility cloak.

I said no.

I just couldn't see it becoming a thing.

Why did God invest WASPs?

Somebody has to pay retail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

I invested in a coin making machine

It just made cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A classic from Barry Cryer

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding...

So I invested in Teflon recently,

It didn't stick.

So I invested in a hot air balloon company...

And it's really taken off

Why don't people in trailer parks invest in the stock market?

Because their money is tied up in bonds.

Batman invited all the superheros to an evening discussing bitcoin investments

Superman didn't go because it was a crypto-night.

Why does Tom Brady hate investing cryptocurrancy

Because it could lead to inflation.

The first people to invest themselves in Apple

were Adam and Eve

A crossfit enthused, bitcoin investing vegan walks into a bar...

Oh, they already told you about it too?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women hate having sex with people who invested in Gme stock?

They never pull out

Why should you always invest into the bean market?

The stalks can only go up

Dolly Parton has invested $1m in the Moderna covid vaccine

It's working 9 to 5 perecent of the time, what a way to keep us living

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