My friend has been trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.

He makes some very good points.

Savvy investors know that this is the time of year to invest in companies that sell supplies for school-goers.

This year, look out for companies like Colt, Smith & Wesson, and Ruger!

I'm waiting to invest in a hot air balloon

I don't want to lose my life's savings to inflation

Never invest in Velcro

It’s a rip-off

Why did Tencent invest $150 million in Reddit?

[censored]

Invest on perfume businesses

It just makes scents

Time to invest! Iron is becoming scarce.

First Iron Man and then the Iron Throne? There can't be much iron left.

Anyone want to invest in my new African-Asian fusion restaurant?

It's going to be call "Wok like an Egyptian".

Don’t invest in the lollipop business.

That market’s for suckers.

Tina Turner was asked to invest in a rom-com reboot of Stephen King's clown movie

She asked, "what's love got to do with *It*?"

Never invest in Waste Management companies

All of those companies are trash

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Invest in porcelain.

Shit is going down!

I tried to invest in the gravy industry

But there wasn't much stock in it.

I am going to invest in Deer Farming...

seems like the best bang for buck!

How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin?

Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

My dad told me to invest my money into bonds.

So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why couldn't the blood invest in Bitcoin?

It's a Cryptocurrency. Now give me karma my wife left me, I lost custody of my kids and I just lost my job. I'm about one more thing from snapping, for the love of fucking god upvote this damn post.

Do you want to invest with me into a chiropractic center?

It will be a joint venture

Did you hear about the dog who told his owner to invest in tennis balls?

They had a high rate of return.

I might decide to invest in Velcro

but I heard it’s a rip off.

I decided to invest on Bitcoins, a Russian airline and a Hong Kong bus company

But all of them crashed!

It's always good to invest in grappling hooks

Their value is always going up

Tom Brady said he refuses to invest in bitcoin.

Turns out he's afraid of inflation.

Why don't clowns invest their money in the market?

They'd be the laughing stock.

How can I invest in the Mexican airline industry?

Call me crazy but once this wall goes up I’ve got a gut-feeling I think that’s one industry that will really be taking off.

I want to invest in massage parlors

I've heard that their turnover rate is pretty high.

It's a great time to invest in retail clothing stock.

Pants and underwear sales in Hawaii are booming.

Don't invest in SeaWorld

It's really starting to tank

Why is everyone always telling me to invest in a retirement program?

If I have them rotated every 6000 miles like I'm supposed to I shouldn't have to re-tire in the first place.

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...

Because you're at an all-time low.

(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

I wanted to invest in Lumber Liquidators...

But wood stock hasn't been viable sincs the 60s.

I asked my secret crush if she wanted to invest in my new invention idea, chloroform kleenex.

She decided to sleep on it...at my place.

What did the spanish soccer announcer invest in?

**GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD**

Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Why shouldn't you invest in muslim-owned businesses?

They never show a prophet.

Invest Now!

Quick! Invest now! Theres a company in England that is now manufacturing landmines that look like prayre mats! The main factorty is in the middle east, where prophets are going through the roof!

Heard someone say they had to play soccer with 2nd graders.

They should really invest in a ball...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an investor...

There was an investor who had three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man finally decides to settle down...

He's been seeing 3 women casually and devises a test to see which one he will choose to be with. He gives them each $500 and watches how they use the money. The first spends it on making herself look good... But hot damn she looks good. The second buys him gifts including a watch and tie for work. T...

A Foreign man wishes to buy land.

\[Long\]

A Foreign man named "Paste" is looking to invest in a plot of land but is short 1/2 of the total cost.

The land he wants and feels is right for him is in the town of "Ugh" but unfortunately he lives in "Um".

He walks into the local Bank and talks to an employee with the...

How do you get a million dollars?

Invest a billion dollars with Donald Trump

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys ...

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

Someone at a BDSM convention asked me what investments he should make

I told them to invest in stocks and bonds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your...

What type of sweet does a banker keep in his wastecoat?

InvestMints

Apparently there's a business that allows you to interview in a tank top

I might invest.

My entire family really loves sleeveless clothing.

So we invest in vests, in vests.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus meets Judas after the Resurrection: A Bible Story

After returning from the dead following his betrayal and crucifixion the first thing Jesus did was seek out Judas. Upon finding the distraught Judas contemplating how he'd use the fifty pieces of silver he received for his treachery Jesus said,

"Look man no hard feelings I know this disciple ...

What do you call alligators interested in real estate?

A: Invest-igators

Lifetime Investment

This morning I heard someone shouting loudly on a megaphone outside my window. Saying "If you invest $15.00 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out onto the balcony with curiosity and saw the idiot, he was selling chairs..

How do you get a small fortune?

You start with a big fortune and invest in startups.

US and Russia are at war

It has been going on for endless years so they decide to have a dog fight in 6 months time to see who will be considered winner of the war.
The US invests heavily in steroids for dogs, medicine to improve reactions, implant shark teeth in their dog, cut its ears, its tail, oil it all up, basicall...

No motivation. Why bother if people don't notice my creative work?

It just seems that lately nobody really notices all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort i put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much i try to 'get in the spotlight' and display my art, people seem to ...

What do you call and Alligator who wears a vest ?

An Invest-igator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has 3 women before him that want to be his wife,

So he gives each of them $5,000, and tells them to do whatever they want with it. "What you choose to do shall determine which one of you I marry" he says.

The first woman takes all of her $5,000 and spends it all on clothing, jewelry, lavish spa treatments and the like.

The second wom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a million dollars, I'd probably pay your mom to have sex with me...

Then I'd invest the other 999,990 dollars.

(Bonus points if you know where this is from.)

Three wishes

Bob, James, and Albert go for a hike in the mountains one day and they find a strange lamp. They rub it and a genie appears, the genie is so relieved to be free that he offers each of them three wishes, with the one condition that each man have at least one month between their wishes, they see this ...

When the economy is good, people drink. When the economy is bad, people drink. The moral?

Invest in alcohol

Russian Investments

Two Russians meet up:

- Have you heard, Bitcoin went up in value?

- Ya. But I only invest in one thing - VODKA

- Why Vodka?

- Where else do you get a 40% return??

What do you call a reptile that gives sound financial advice?

An “Invest-i-Gator”.

Courtesy of my 8-year old daughter. :)

A group of guys were having some drinks

When the conversation turned to how great their sons were.

First Frank regaled everyone with the tale of how his son, the car dealer, was so rich, that he gave a buddy a brand new car.

The next guy said "that's nothing! My son, the successful realtor has made so much money, that he gav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

The two old-timers...

...were having a chat over the back fence.


"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."


"Why's that, Clem?"


"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love ...

An American businessman . . .

. . . travels to Mexico on a company-paid trip for a little R&R. One of the nights he and his co-workers hit the local bar, where he order the tilapa fish tacos, and the man swears these are the best tacos he's ever had in his life. He gets an idea and demands to see the chef, who turns out to b...

The moral of the story...

A rich, eccentric man wanted to invest his money, and keep it safe.

He decided to invest in antique furniture, but not just any furniture. He would buy the best and fanciest chairs that could be found only in the finest castles of the world.

He wanted to be sure his collection...

Reason for Divorce

The other day at work I ran into Tom.

We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me.

"Rodney," he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce."

I was stunned.

"Why?

What happened, you two seem so happy together."

"Well," he said, "ever since...

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a little head.......

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head."

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an deser...

A man sees a sign that reads "lose weight now!"...

...with a number listed on the bottom. The man had been feeling a little over weight so he decided to call the sign. A woman answered the phone and told him to be at the local hangout the following morning.

The next morning comes and the man is at the local hangout when a woman walks up to h...

Horrible funny joke

What do you call an alligator in a vest....? An Invest-agator

The way to end up $1 Million using the stock market LEGIT

invest 10 million into it

A lawyer, a carpenter, and an entrepreneur

are all close friends with a man dying of cancer.
He gives each of them 20,000 dollars, and asks them to put them in his coffin when they pay their respects so that he will have some money to spend in heaven.
Well, he eventually dies and the three friends all meet each other after the funeral....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PUNS & BAR JOKES

Why did I invest all of my money into the coin factory?
Because it made cents.

Did you hear about the swiss cheese debate?
The arguments are full of holes.

Did you hear about the flutist who got hit in the face with a banana cream pie?
He is now called the pie'd piper.

...

Budgeting costs

The Italian government was getting ready to invest in a new software that would help them become more efficient. Three companies put bids forth and they turned out to be from different countries: China, Germany and Russia.

The Chinese bid was $1 million, which was quite cheap. The German bid ...

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.

If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a
Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

There were two sisters...

Once upon a time, in the wild, wild West there were two sisters, Jill and Susie. A relative of theirs dies and leaves the two sisters a ranch. The ranch was run down and they had little else to their name besides the ranch so they thought they'd invest what they had left into a stud bull to mate ...

Now that it is 2015 we should all really be on the lookout for Marty Mcfly.

If it is only to forewarn him to invest heavily in Parkinsons research on his return to 1985.

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