Afford Jokes - 105 Hilarious Afford Jokes

I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch.

He can binomial.

I asked my wife, how can we afford to drive when gas costs $500 per gallon?

She told me I was missing the point

Why couldn’t the beekeeper afford a GPS device?

Because honey can’t buy mappiness.

What do you call a Santa Claus who cannot afford to give gifts?

Saint Nickelless.

I couldn't afford an Ancestry DNA kit...

So I just announced that I had won the lottery. I soon found out to all my relatives are.

My friend said she couldn't afford to pay her huge water bill

So I sent her a "get well soon" card.

My suitcases overheard me saying I can’t afford a holiday this year.

Now I have emotional baggage.

What's another word for affordable healthcare?

Unamerican.

All my life I had wanted a Geiger counter but never knew why until I could finally afford one.

Then it clicked

I used to have a pet cigarette because I couldn’t afford a dog

Every night I would take her out for a drag.

How did the pirate afford such a big boat?

It was on sail.

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon…

... so they go back to Fred's parents' home for their first night together.

In the morning, Fred's little brother Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

John...

How can Santa afford all the toys he hands out?

With the money he makes off his ho-ho-hos.

I went to the used car dealer and bought the only thing I could afford, the Rolls-Canardly

It rolls down one hill and canardly make it up the next.

I'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill...

These are the darkest days of my life...

I can't afford to fix my leaky roof. So I'm inviting some kids with chicken pox over.

Hopefully my house will get Shingles.

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

In college, my roommates and I were so broke, we couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of our lives.

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I knew someone who was so broke, he couldn’t even afford to drink water.

He was piss-poor

100 years ago everybody rode horses around, and only the wealthy could afford cars

Today everybody drives cars, and only the wealthy can afford horses

Oh how the stables have turned

If I had a quarter for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

I thought about transitioning into a woman

Im not sure i can afford a pay cut at work though

I couldn't afford to take the kids to SeaWorld...

So I took them to the fish market and said "Shhh, they're sleeping".

What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?

Most Americans don't get it.

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Man I'm poor I can't afford crap.

Shit's expensive.

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You know, if you can't afford to pay for food,

Then you really can't pay for shit.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

Can't afford condoms?

Use latex gloves instead. They're cheaper, and you can use them five times.

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Pizza guy: your total is $26.34

Me: I can't afford that

Pizza guy: well you're gonna have to pay some other way, then

Me: \[takes out wallet\] wait I forgot I had 30 bucks

Porn director: Cut, WTF?

If you can't afford healthcare...

Go to an airport. They give free x-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they'll throw in a free colonoscopy too!

I bought a very expensive limousine but couldn't afford to hire a driver.

Spent all my money and had nothing to chauffeur it.

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year

Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

When I was younger I couldn’t afford a house.

But after years of hard labour and pain, I still can’t. But my boss has five.

Clowns can no longer afford their ballons

because of inflation

Cars are getting very expensive now a days. I was finally able to afford to buy the new Kia that I always wanted.

Brought it home last night and parked it out front. It looked so nice and beautiful. Woke up this morning and the car is gone. Sadly, It was stolen at some point last night, but the suspect dropped a phone as an evidence. It was a very old looking phone that I had never seen before.

I did a ...

What happens when you can't afford to pay an exorcist?

They repossess your house.

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous!” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too!!” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number!?”

Christmas gift to a friend... could afford much but the payphone is cheap.

Me: "Hello, is this the Police?"

Police: "Yes. What do you want?"

Me: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Jones! He is hiding marijuana inside logs of firewood in his woodshed"

Police:"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Police descend upo...

Where do you go if you can't afford yoga classes?

The omless shelter.

Why couldn't Bach afford a new baton?

Because he was Baroque

Damn, I can't afford a girlfriend,

Property tax is just too much

What did the alcoholic do after he couldn’t afford the electric bill?

He took a shot in the dark!

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

My parents made a decent living as fisherman even though they could only afford a boat made of balsa wood.

They didn't have real hardship.

I can’t afford this

A man was buying a duck one day and went to have someone ring it up and the cashier said “the bill is 25 dollars “ the man looks at her and says “how much is the whole thing “

A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that highway over there?...

How do anime fans afford their hobbies?

They bring home 6 figures

Buy the best running shoes you can afford.

You'll thank yourself in the long run.

Why can’t clowns afford balloons anymore?

Because balloon prices are rising due to inflation.

90's kids won't get this 😂😂

Affordable housing prices

My favourite icecream place can't afford the electricity bill.

I hear they're having a liquidation sale.

Husband and wife are shopping...

A Husband and Wife went shopping together just before Christmas. The wife quickly noticed that her husband was missing and because they had a lot to do she called him on his cell phone.
After the husband picked up the phone his wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do!"
He sa...

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

My mathematician girlfriend was sad she couldn't afford me a gift for Christmas. So to cheer her up

I said, "Baby you're my Christmas gift. It's the 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩𝙨."

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

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What do you call people who have trade jobs can't afford to hire individual hookers?

A jackoff all trades.

Can't afford blue cheese?

Buy regular cheese and wait!

Can't afford regular cheese?

Buy milk and wait even longer!

My boss says he can't afford to pay me during this pandemic...

But luckily he says I can work for exposure.

What do you eat for breakfast when you can’t afford oatmeal?

Pooridge

What do you do if you can't afford to fly from Germany to the UK?

euro

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I'm starting a charity for girls that can't afford to buy vibrators

It's called **Toys for Twats**

Whats the only type of Doctor most American's can afford?

Dr.Pepper

Imagine a billionaire, which can't afford basic things

Because, he's from Zimbabwe

Why couldn't the statistician afford an iPhone?

He had a very average salary

Woman could not afford to pay her exorcism bills.

Her soul got repossessed...

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

I couldn't afford to pay my exorcist

Now I'm worried that I'm going to get repossessed

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I'm thinking about starting a donation website for men who can't afford Viagra

I was going to call it "Dick starter"

My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore...

My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would need to quit.
Then I caught her buying expensive makeups.
I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.
I told her that's what the beer was for.

Why couldn't the surf shop afford to stay open?

It was double overhead!

I can’t afford my comedic lifestyle...

My jokes have too much overhead.

I want to buy platform shoes, but I can't quite afford them

I need a bit more money because I'm still a little short

I grew up so poor that my parents couldn't afford any toys

They had to cut holes in my pockets just so I could have something to play with at night.

Doctor says I need an amputation, but I can't afford it..

It'll cost me an arm and a leg.

Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton are all on a plane about to crash.

A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't
afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs scream...

What do you say when you find a nice, affordable apartment?

Suite!

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

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I couldn’t afford a knife for my son’s circumsion

It was a rip off

A husband and wife were grocery shopping ...

A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.

"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.

"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue s...

Our family never could afford much nice for Christmas...

So one year I told my mom "I just want something I can play with." She said ok, went to the local thrift store to find me something, got me a good old used pair of overalls about my size and cut me a hole in the right pocket.

After years of saving, John was able to finally afford a nice car. When he drove by, it would turn all the heads in town, but he would never acknowledge it.

For I do not speak of my own accord - John 12:49

My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

I’m in my 40s, but I think I can finally afford to retire

Should I go with Firestone or Michelins?

A man burglarizes homes so he can afford to renovate his kitchen...

I guess you could say he's taking things for granite.

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Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

So they finally made an affordable and functional jetpack

The sales are through the roof

Have you heard the one about the family who couldn't afford to pay the exorcist?

Their house was repossessed.

Me: can't afford to pay medical bills Cancer cell: Kids these days don't work hard enough

Ok tumor

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Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

I was so poor, we couldn't afford a bidet.

I had to do hand stands in the shower.

The price of real estate in my neighbourhood has become so expensive only cats can afford it.

You need 9 lives to pay it off.

Ps - should this be in /showerthoughts?

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a...

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with ...

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

Why were the melons upset that they cant afford a wedding?

Because they cantaloupe

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He...

When I'm craving middle eastern food, there's this place I always go to. It's delicious, affordable, and best of all...

Israeli quick.

I finally saved up enough money that I could afford to listen to my heart.

It turns out that's just a metaphor.

Anyway, I have a stethoscope for sale.

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

If you can't afford to get your wisdom teeth removed...

Try crystal meth, it really is a miracle drug.

*disclaimer: may remove more teeth than expected.

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Ever notice how strippers' last names are always things they can't afford?

Like Katie Diamond, or Sugar Health-Insurance

What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?

A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

Someone should make a phone app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurant you can afford

Could call it Welp

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