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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous!” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too!!” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number!?”

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

In college I was so broke I couldn’t afford the electricity bill

Those were the darkest days of my life

I could afford to buy 100,000 balloons, but it wouldn’t be financially prudent...

I can’t afford the cost of inflation.

What do you eat for breakfast when you can’t afford oatmeal?

Pooridge

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What do you call a country that can’t afford bathrooms?

A turd-world country

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

My friend can't afford his water bill...

So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.

I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch

He could binomial

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

How can the Easter bunny afford so much candy?

It's so rich that all of its meals are 24 karat

My boss says he can't afford to pay me during this pandemic...

But luckily he says I can work for exposure.

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?

Most Americans don't get it.

I couldn't afford to take the kids to Sea World.

So I took them to the fish market and said, "Shhh, they're all sleeping."

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.



The 1st passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the...

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Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

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I'm starting a charity for girls that can't afford to buy vibrators

It's called **Toys for Twats**

How do anime fans afford their hobbies?

They bring home 6 figures

A joke I heard a while ago

So there’s this Cheerio. In cheerio-land, there are three kinds of people: original, blueberry, and honey nut. He desperately wants to be honey nut. So he goes to the tattoo shop, and the cheerio running it says he can become a blueberry cheerio first, but it’s gonna cost some money.

He star...

I want to buy platform shoes, but I can't quite afford them

I need a bit more money because I'm still a little short

She’s from Minsk

A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 roubles, but to buy a cow fr...

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The Politician and Sex Workers

A politician visited Sex Workers Anonymous in order to get more information about how these women in his community were doing. He meets three poor prostitutes and speaks to them that their lifestyle is hurting them and that depending on how often they were engaged in the business, he would provide t...

My grandfather worked his whole life to be able to afford a nice cremation...

He urned it.

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up

A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.

Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.

"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.

Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent mu...

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn’t afford a dog.

A blonde takes a pregnancy test and it comes out positive...

After telling her boyfriend she cries 'How are we going to afford so many babies?'

He says 'It couldn't tell you that, how many did it say we're having?'

'98.6!'

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer ...

What happens when you can't afford to pay an exorcist?

They repossess your house.

A C-Level, a middle manager and a worker talk at the Christmas party of their company.

They discuss what to do with the Christmas bonus.

"Well", said the C-Level, "I'm probably gonna do a trip around the world, expand my villa in Malibu and with the rest, well, maybe a new Ferrari"

Said the middle manager "Well, I'm gonna make a vacation in Malibu and get a pool for my h...

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A man is walking by a bar one evening

When he sees a sign in the window with the words “FREE Beer for a year! Inquire within!”
The man, having nothing better to do, decides go in:

“Hey, you’ve got a sign out there talking about free beer, what’s that all about?”

(The bartender)”Oh yeah, I put that up a couple of days ...

My favourite icecream place can't afford the electricity bill.

I hear they're having a liquidation sale.

The joke's posted below

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are ...

I’m in my 40s, but I think I can finally afford to retire

Should I go with Firestone or Michelins?

This guy marched up to me and asked, "Excuse me, but have you considered becoming an organ donor?"

I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Father, I think this church should be able to afford its own!"

I grew up so poor that my parents couldn't afford any toys

They had to cut holes in my pockets just so I could have something to play with at night.

I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore

these are some dark times.

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The baboon.

The zoo owner is becoming concerned because his star attraction, the baboon, is becoming more and more aggressive. He calls an old buddy of his from college, who happens a to have been a zoology major. The zoo owner explains what has been going on, and asks his friend if there is anything that can b...

I just made this one up and it's really stupid. What do you call a resistor that can't afford rent?

Ohm-less

I once had a job at a burlesque club helping the girls in and out of their costumes for $100 a week.

I know it's not much but it's all I could afford.

This year, we had to cancel our annual trip to Hawaii because of Covid-19.

Usually we do it because we can’t afford to go.

When space travel is affordable I will leave the Milky Way galaxy and move to the Soy Milky Way.

You could say that I'm galactose intolerant.

My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

I couldn’t afford to pay the priest who carried out my exorcism.

He repossessed my home.

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

This is the first year I’m not going on vacation to Paris because of covid.

Usually I don’t go because I can’t afford it.

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex

To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.

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A man is golfing and gets a call from his mother-in-law...

“Steve! Thank God! Sharon’s been in a terrible accident! She’s at the hospital! Drop what you’re doing and get right down there!”

“Oh my God! My poor wife!”

He gets ready to leave and thinks- “I’m on the 17th green and 4 shots under par. She’s really in the best hands. I’ll hurry up ...

Clowns can no longer afford their ballons

because of inflation

What happened when the Prague Skydiving club couldn't afford proper equipment?

Their Czechs bounced.

The price of real estate in my neighbourhood has become so expensive only cats can afford it.

You need 9 lives to pay it off.

Ps - should this be in /showerthoughts?

Why couldn't Bach afford a new baton?

Because he was Baroque

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PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34

**ME:** I can’t afford that

**PIZZA GUY:** Well you’ll have to pay some other way.

**ME: [takes out wallet]** Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars.

**PORN DIRECTOR:** Cut! The fuck are you doing?

Woman could not afford to pay her exorcism bills.

Her soul got repossessed...

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $100 on make-up. So I asked, “how come I had to give up stuff and not her.”

She said, “she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.”

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

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I'm thinking about starting a donation website for men who can't afford Viagra

I was going to call it "Dick starter"

An old man is traveling to a far off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.

The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, cons...

A father notices his son has a lot of new toys lately

he asks the boy how come he can afford them.

son: "Because of my hiking."

dad: "Hiking?, how do you get money by hiking?"

son: "There's this man that comes to visit mum a couple of times a week, while you're at work, he always gives me $10 and tells me to take a hike."

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TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and demanded $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
C...

Buy the best running shoes you can afford.

You'll thank yourself in the long run.

I was going to post a joke about Capitalism...

... but 99% of you can't afford to get it.

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

Damn, I can't afford a girlfriend,

Property tax is just too much

An old couple at Burger King

A man noticed that an old couple eating at Burger King were splitting a small hamburger and small fries. They carefully split the burger and fries down the middle. The man went over to the table and offered to buy them each their own meal, assuming they couldn’t afford two meals. The old man told hi...

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A mariner and a woman meet in a bar in New York City...

She says "I have always wanted to visit Europe, but I can't afford a ticket."

The seaman tells her he will sneak her onto his ship, bring her food and water every day until they get to a European port in exchange for sex. She agrees.

The mariner sneaks her onto the ship and hides ...

Why couldn't the surf shop afford to stay open?

It was double overhead!

A young man named Theseus moves to a lakeside fishing village looking for work

When he arrives, he finds one of the residents, Justin, is interested in going out and seeing the world, and wants to sell his fishing boat to fund that trip. Thinking that it might be a good way to make a living, Theseus buys the boat and spends the next few years learning the trade, establishing a...

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So there are three friars living atop a mountain

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.
One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<b...

A husband and wife were grocery shopping

A husband and wife were grocery shopping. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife
"They're on sale, only 10 bucks for 24 cans"
"Put them back, we can't afford them" the wife responded.

Later on, she puts a $20 jar of face...

I'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill...

These are the darkest days of my life...

Why couldn't the statistician afford an iPhone?

He had a very average salary

Why can’t clowns afford balloons anymore?

Because balloon prices are rising due to inflation.

A woman was taking her late husband to the undertakers.

He was wearing his best suit, a charcoal grey suit. The woman knew it was her husbands dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, something that they had never been able to afford when he was alive. So, she told the undertaker about her husband's wish, acknowledging that she couldn't afford a new suit,...

I can’t afford this

A man was buying a duck one day and went to have someone ring it up and the cashier said “the bill is 25 dollars “ the man looks at her and says “how much is the whole thing “

Someone should make a phone app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurant you can afford

Could call it Welp

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant...

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford"

The man says to the doctor "Ok, what are they?"

The doctor s...

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these" and then ...

Imagine a billionaire, which can't afford basic things

Because, he's from Zimbabwe

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I couldn’t afford a knife for my son’s circumsion

It was a rip off

WH advisors: Mr. President federal employees didn’t receive their last check, they can’t even afford to buy their families bread!

Trump: I have the most tremendous solution, let them eat cake.

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and is almost inclined to leave again, since the place appears to be way beyond his budget. The in design is spot on and as fancy as can be, in the corner there is a little person playing the piano perfectly and every liquor, beer or other beverage you could name are all on offer. Also there are...

Can't afford condoms?

Use latex gloves instead. They're cheaper, and you can use them five times.

For the first time in my life, I can’t go for a holiday because of COVID-19

Previously, it was because I couldn’t afford it

Doctor says I need an amputation, but I can't afford it..

It'll cost me an arm and a leg.

Have you heard the one about the family who couldn't afford to pay the exorcist?

Their house was repossessed.

How I became a successful businessman

When I was just about 21 with my shoes worn through and nothing to wear but the one set of clothes I stood up in, I spent my last nickel on an apple from the barrow in the poor end of town, and I walked up to the rich end of town, polishing the apple as I went, until I found someone to buy it from m...

I couldn't afford a set of false teeth, but I found a guy who would make me a set in exchange for me doing some work around his house.

I guess you could say it was indentured servitude.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the word “coronavirus” this month ...

... I’d be rich enough to afford a test.

Why is Whole Foods’ house brand called 365?

Cuz you have to work 365 days a year to afford it.

Did I tell you about the time I met Beyonce?

It wasn't an official meeting. We aren't friends. But I was at the concert venue for work and she was performing that night. She must have been there for a sound check or something. I didn't even really know it was her at first. She came up to me and asked if I had seen her phone. It was gold and st...

A friend and I wanted to get a hooker, but we could only afford one hand job so we had to flip a coin...

Luckily I won the toss...

So they finally made an affordable and functional jetpack

The sales are through the roof

A man burglarizes homes so he can afford to renovate his kitchen...

I guess you could say he's taking things for granite.

I'm starting a charity for PhD students so they can finally afford to live on their own without the need for roommates...

It's called "Doctors without Boarders."

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