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Afford Jokes

My friend said that he couldn’t afford to pay his huge water bill...

So, I sent him a get well soon card.

Why couldn’t the snake afford insurance?

It cost an arm and a leg

How did the pirate afford such a big boat?

It was on sail.

I can't afford to pay for electricity anymore...

these are some dark times.

How can Santa afford all the toys he hands out?

With the money he makes off his ho-ho-hos.

I asked my wife, how can we afford to drive when gas costs $500 per gallon?

She told me I was missing the point

What should you do if you can’t afford to fix your A/C?

Start using only fans!

Thanks, I’ll see myself out!

Cars are getting very expensive now a days. I was finally able to afford to buy the new Kia that I always wanted.

Brought it home last night and parked it out front. It looked so nice and beautiful. Woke up this morning and the car is gone. Sadly, It was stolen at some point last night, but the suspect dropped a phone as an evidence. It was a very old looking phone that I had never seen before.

I did a ...

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon…

... so they go back to Fred's parents' home for their first night together.

In the morning, Fred's little brother Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

John...

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

In college, my roommates and I were so broke, we couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of our lives.

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3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

Life is like a box of chocolates.

The poor can't afford it.

100 years ago everybody rode horses around, and only the wealthy could afford cars

Today everybody drives cars, and only the wealthy can afford horses

Oh how the stables have turned

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

After years of saving, John was able to finally afford a nice car. When he drove by, it would turn all the heads in town, but he would never acknowledge it.

For I do not speak of my own accord - John 12:49

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

I once asked my 97 year old grandfather what his secret was to such a long life.

He said, "I'm just waiting until I can afford a burial service."

In the early days of mixed play, an English couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off.

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee first and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.


“Allo! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy a...

I couldn't afford an Ancestry DNA kit...

So I just announced that I had won the lottery. I soon found out to all my relatives are.

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Since we're doing little Johnny jokes....

Little Johnny's teacher sends the kids home with an assignment to find a story with a moral to it. The next day, the teacher asks, "Who would like to share their story?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up, and the teacher wisely ignores him. "Susie, why don't you go first?"

Susie ...

If I had a quarter for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

I can't afford a nice t.v.

So, I just smoke a load of weed and read the dictionary.

HIGH DEFINITION.

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You know, if you can't afford to pay for food,

Then you really can't pay for shit.

Need your advice

Grew up with very large ears and have always been conscious of them.

Couldn’t afford to get Otoplasty so I signed up for an experimental procedure that involved growing a new pair of ears on my body which would replace the old ones with a much more affordable surgical “cut and stitch” proced...

I thought about transitioning into a woman

Im not sure i can afford a pay cut at work though

My parents made a decent living as fisherman even though they could only afford a boat made of balsa wood.

They didn't have real hardship.

A landlord’s lesson…

A pub landlord is struggling with the cost of living crisis. Customers are down and costs are soaring. To get his business back on track, he decides the best way forward is to host an event to draw in new customers. Noticing the cobwebs in some of the dimly lit corners of the pub, he has a stroke of...

Sugar tongs

A mother from Brooklyn decides to pop in on her son Michael to see his new Manhattan apartment. When she gets there she's shocked to learn that her son has a female roommate.

Her son assures her that there is nothing going on between him and his roommate, that they have separate bedrooms, tha...

I bought a very expensive limousine but couldn't afford to hire a driver.

Spent all my money and had nothing to chauffeur it.

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Man I'm poor I can't afford crap.

Shit's expensive.

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous!” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too!!” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number!?”

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

One Christmas Eve, a man and his wife were shopping in town and became separated...

The woman called him on her cell phone and said, "Where are you?" The guy said, "Remember that little jewelry store we went into last year and you found that diamond necklace that you wanted, but I couldn't afford to buy it for you?" The woman was overcome with emotion and said "Yes, yes ... I remem...

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Wood Eye

Little Johnny had a tragic accident and lost his right eye. His parents were poor and couldn’t afford a replacement so Johnnys father crafted a wooden eye to put in the empty socket.

Johnny was very self conscious and in turn was very shy, especially around girls. His parents encouraged him ...

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Pizza guy: your total is $26.34

Me: I can't afford that

Pizza guy: well you're gonna have to pay some other way, then

Me: \[takes out wallet\] wait I forgot I had 30 bucks

Porn director: Cut, WTF?

Supermarket franchise moves into small town

A big, nationwide operating grocery franchise opened a store in a small, rural town in the midwest. Since there was only a local farmers store across the street, the manager decided to bankrupt the local store and monopolize on the town. So he approached potential customers at the door of the local...

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Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

One day at Macy's...

The store manager was giving final instruction to the new sales clerk before sending him out onto the floor for the first time.

Said the manager to the clerk, “The most important thing to remember is that we NEVER tell a customer that we don’t have it. Times are tough, and we can’t afford to ...

When I was younger I couldn’t afford a house.

But after years of hard labour and pain, I still can’t. But my boss has five.

What did the alcoholic do after he couldn’t afford the electric bill?

He took a shot in the dark!

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What do you call people who have trade jobs can't afford to hire individual hookers?

A jackoff all trades.

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

What do you do if you can't afford to fly from Germany to the UK?

euro

What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?

Most Americans don't get it.

I'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill...

These are the darkest days of my life...

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After making love as a married couple for the first time, a young bride asks her husband for $50. As he pays her, he advises, "if you want roleplaying, we should both be in on it... ask for the money up front."

So, every time they have sex, she asks for $50 and he gladly pays. After all, it's THEIR money.

After a year, he stops at the bank to get a crisp new $100 Bill to make their anniversary special. He hands it to her as he walks in the door.

"That's sweet," she says, "but first, come o...

What’s the most underrated joke you’ve heard in a movie?

Mine is from The Hangover:

Alan: I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.

Phil: How'd he die?

Alan: World War II.

Phil: Died in battle?

Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World Wa...

I couldn't afford to take the kids to SeaWorld...

So I took them to the fish market and said "Shhh, they're sleeping".

When I'm craving middle eastern food, there's this place I always go to. It's delicious, affordable, and best of all...

Israeli quick.

My grandfather worked his whole life to be able to afford a nice cremation...

He urned it.

Where do you go if you can't afford yoga classes?

The omless shelter.

What happens when you can't afford to pay an exorcist?

They repossess your house.

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Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

Why couldn't Bach afford a new harpsichord?

He was baroque.

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A man and a woman meet in a New York bar. She learns that he is a deck hand on a commercial ship.

“That must be wonderful,” she says. “You get to see the world. I have always wanted to visit Europe, but I have never been able to afford the ticket.”

“How about I smuggle you aboard my ship. I will hide you, and every day I will bring you food and drink in exchange for sex. When we ge...

If I had a dollar for every time I had trouble going to sleep

I’d be able to afford a better mattress

Clowns can no longer afford their ballons

because of inflation

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I'm starting a charity for girls that can't afford to buy vibrators

It's called **Toys for Twats**

Can't afford condoms?

Use latex gloves instead. They're cheaper, and you can use them five times.

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I'm thinking about starting a donation website for men who can't afford Viagra

I was going to call it "Dick starter"

My boss says he can't afford to pay me during this pandemic...

But luckily he says I can work for exposure.

I couldn’t afford to pay the priest who carried out my exorcism.

He repossessed my home.

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mort dies suddenly is his sleep.

Mort died suddenly in his sleep.
Beryl, his wife of 55 years phones the local paper to put her loving husbands passing in the obituary.

"Ok my love," says the guy from the paper, "it's a pound a word. What do you want it to say?"

There's a silence for a moment before beryl says, ...

My favourite icecream place can't afford the electricity bill.

I hear they're having a liquidation sale.

My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

What do you eat for breakfast when you can’t afford oatmeal?

Pooridge

The price of real estate in my neighbourhood has become so expensive only cats can afford it.

You need 9 lives to pay it off.

Ps - should this be in /showerthoughts?

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

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Stalin's driver asks him for a raise

One day; while walking to his car - comrade Krushchev comes upon his driver, eating grass.

"What are you doing?" "Don't you have any food to eat?" "I pay you a monthly salary!"

The driver responds; "Comrade Krushchev, i can barely feed my family with that money. Please! I'm begging you...

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Little Timothy was a bright young boy,

And he was even fairly handsome. The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed ...

I want to buy platform shoes, but I can't quite afford them

I need a bit more money because I'm still a little short

Buy the best running shoes you can afford.

You'll thank yourself in the long run.

I grew up so poor that my parents couldn't afford any toys

They had to cut holes in my pockets just so I could have something to play with at night.

What do you say when you find a nice, affordable apartment?

Suite!

Stacey vows to never be like her mother

She furiously stabbed her in her diary.

"I hate my mom. I'll never be like her! Never!"

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Surprisingly, it was Future Stacey! Future Stacey, in a fit of nostalgia and rich enough to afford time travel, had decided to see her childhood. Future Stace...

John and Mary decided to go shopping together in the city for the first time in 20 years.

John and Mary decided to go shopping together in the city for the first time in 20 years. When they arrived in the downtown area where all the stores were, John said "How about we go our separate ways for a bit, and I'll call you in a while."

Mary amused herself window shopping for a couple...

What happened when the Prague Skydiving club couldn't afford proper equipment?

Their Czechs bounced.

Doctor says I need an amputation, but I can't afford it..

It'll cost me an arm and a leg.

Christmas gift to a friend... could afford much but the payphone is cheap.

Me: "Hello, is this the Police?"

Police: "Yes. What do you want?"

Me: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Jones! He is hiding marijuana inside logs of firewood in his woodshed"

Police:"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Police descend upo...

How do anime fans afford their hobbies?

They bring home 6 figures

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Two women are talking over the garden wall and the conversation turns to money.

“You know, Lauren, I’ve discovered a great way to get more money out of my old man. Last week I wore a low necked jumper when we went shopping and as I bent over the supermarket freezer one of my boobs popped out. You should have seen Bill, he nearly had a blue fit. I told him it was because I didn’...

Damn, I can't afford a girlfriend,

Property tax is just too much

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

Whats the only type of Doctor most American's can afford?

Dr.Pepper

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A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II.

Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with...

I am enraged! I spent my whole life being successful and giving my beautiful, blonde daughter every luxury money could afford and she went off and married a horse manure shoveler.

At least he has a stable income though.

I’m in my 40s, but I think I can finally afford to retire

Should I go with Firestone or Michelins?

Why can’t clowns afford balloons anymore?

Because balloon prices are rising due to inflation.

A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He...

The Muppets have fallen on hard times, they can only afford one more show:

Frugal Rock.

Have you heard the one about the family who couldn't afford to pay the exorcist?

Their house was repossessed.

An electrician gets tired of being looked down upon for his profession

so he uses the money he has saved up to become a doctor.

As a resident, he always stood out amongst a crowd that was still mostly younger rich kids who could afford medical school somehow right out of high school and undergrad.

One day in particular, the hospital fire alarm got yanke...

My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore...

My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would need to quit.
Then I caught her buying expensive makeups.
I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.
I told her that's what the beer was for.

Someone should make a phone app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurant you can afford

Could call it Welp

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Michael is very shy and has low self-esteem because he is missing an eye, and his poor parents could only afford a wooden false eye.

He doesn't have many friends, and he's terrified of girls, although there is one girl he has his eye on. Her name is Betsy, and she has a hair-lip.

The school dance is coming up in a few days, and it seems like absolutely everyone has a date. Everyone, that is, except for him and Betsy. It...

A homeless man walks into a job interview..

A homeless man walks into an interview for a truck driver position, the interview goes well.
The inteviewer said: well, I you meet our standards, just the last thing; what is your email address?
By which the homeless man replied: Sir, I don't own a computer, so I don't have an email address....

Me: *can't afford to pay medical bills* Cancer cell: Kids these days don't work hard enough

Ok tumor

A man burglarizes homes so he can afford to renovate his kitchen...

I guess you could say he's taking things for granite.

A Woman Goes To Buy (Another) Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I...

A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that highway over there?...

A lawyer is driving home one evening

When he spots a man at the side of the road, eating the grass on the verge. He stops and asks the man what he is doing. The man says “I am so poor that my family and I cannot afford food and so we eat grass to survive”. The lawyer is horrified and says “that’s terrible! Look, I’m on my way home; gra...

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

You can tell who runs the country by the amount of clothes they wear. Regular people can't afford too much, they are the less-ons

...and the people who run the country are the more-ons.

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Post office joke

A post office received a letter from a little boy named Billy addressed to Santa Claus. They look at each other and, not knowing what to do with this, decide to read it out loud and have some fun. The letter goes something like this: “Dear Santa, our dad left us recently, my mom lost her job, so now...

Woman could not afford to pay her exorcism bills.

Her soul got repossessed...

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