My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill...

So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.

Where do you go if you can't afford yoga classes?

The omless shelter.

When I was younger I couldn’t afford a house.

But after years of hard labour and pain, I still can’t. But my boss has five.

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous!” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too!!” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number!?”

In my college days I was so broke I couldn't afford the electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of my life.

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I can’t afford air for my sex doll anymore

Inflation

What do you say when you find a nice, affordable apartment?

Suite!

When I’m older and can afford it, I want to commission an artist to make a bust of me

But that’s getting a head of myself.

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 50 told me my generation sucks...

I could afford a house in the economy they've ruined!

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

What do you eat for breakfast when you can’t afford oatmeal?

Pooridge

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

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There is a fella who is talking To his body and says, I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday.

She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next d...

I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch

He could binomial

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

My boss says he can't afford to pay me during this pandemic...

But luckily he says I can work for exposure.

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?

Most Americans don't get it.

I couldn't afford to take the kids to Sea World.

So I took them to the fish market and said, "Shhh, they're all sleeping."

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Dave cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

It was a 14 year olds birthday

It was a 14 year olds birthday and his family was very poor, and could only afford one gift for him. His father wanted to get him a new toy to play with, his mother wanted to get him new clothes, so they decided to compromise and get him coveralls with the pockets cut out.


(My grandpa tol...

The scariest book of all time!! [LONG]

There once lived an author named Mr. Troller. He was infamous as the writer of the scariest book ever. Only three people ever bought his book and after reading his book , all the three guys passed away . The reason nobody bought his book was because it was damn expensive ($150,000) and nobody wanted...

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I'm starting a charity for girls that can't afford to buy vibrators

It's called **Toys for Twats**

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

How do anime fans afford their hobbies?

They bring home 6 figures

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

I took a very expensive masterclass in reincarnation.

I could barely afford it but hell, you only live once!

My grandfather worked his whole life to be able to afford a nice cremation...

He urned it.

I want to buy platform shoes, but I can't quite afford them

I need a bit more money because I'm still a little short

This is the first year that we didn't go to Hawaii because of coronavirus...

Every other year we don't go because we can't afford it.

My mate Dave's always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything

...but lately he doesn't seem like he's got a care in the world.

"Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?" I asked him.

"I've hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me," he replied. "Only costs me a grand a week."

"A grand a week? How the hell are you going to...

What happens when you can't afford to pay an exorcist?

They repossess your house.

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

What do you call it when I might be pregnant and can't afford something from the vending machine?

A day late and a dollar short

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer ...

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

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An old Jew becomes rich and retires on a large tract of land. He invites his friend to pay him a visit.

An old Jew becomes rich and retires on a large tract of land. He invites his friend to pay him a visit. The friend asks "It's great that you're living out here, but how are you supposed to go to temple?"

The old Jew replies and says, "that's not a problem, I built three temples for me to at...

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surpri...

My favourite icecream place can't afford the electricity bill.

I hear they're having a liquidation sale.

Me: *can't afford to pay medical bills* Cancer cell: Kids these days don't work hard enough

Ok tumor

When I was a teenager, I had to learn how to drive a stick.

We couldn't afford a car.

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If the Great War was a bar fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

I’m in my 40s, but I think I can finally afford to retire

Should I go with Firestone or Michelins?

I grew up so poor that my parents couldn't afford any toys

They had to cut holes in my pockets just so I could have something to play with at night.

I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore

these are some dark times.

Johnny was a bright, charming boy

and he was even fairly good-looking. The only problem was that he had lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. They were too poor to afford a glass eye, so his father made him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self e...

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Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

This is the first time I can't go on vacation around the world because of the pandemic.

Usually it's because I just can't afford it.

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent'shome for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! ...

I couldn’t afford to pay the priest who carried out my exorcism.

He repossessed my home.

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Mr Simpson owned a high end clothing store.

One day, just around closing up, a pretty young woman walks in, browses for a bit and ends up staring at a very expensive designer dress standing proudly in the centre of the store.
Mr Simpson notices, quietly walks up beside her and says 'it's a beauty, isn't it?'
She glances at him, sighs ...

My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

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A classic South African van der Merwe joke

Jan van de Merwe is a South African farmer and he really wants a shiny new tractor but he can't afford it! So he makes a plan: he is going to win the lottery and use the money to buy a new tractor. He is also a religious man, so every night before going to sleep he kneels by his bed and prays:
...

Clowns can no longer afford their ballons

because of inflation

When space travel is affordable I will leave the Milky Way galaxy and move to the Soy Milky Way.

You could say that I'm galactose intolerant.

I heard you can get lawyers at Ikea now.

They're very affordable, but you have to build your own case.

Why couldn't Bach afford a new baton?

Because he was Baroque

The price of real estate in my neighbourhood has become so expensive only cats can afford it.

You need 9 lives to pay it off.

Ps - should this be in /showerthoughts?

What happened when the Prague Skydiving club couldn't afford proper equipment?

Their Czechs bounced.

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I'm thinking about starting a donation website for men who can't afford Viagra

I was going to call it "Dick starter"

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

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A guy was shopping with his wife in the supermarket.

Going down the aisle he notices a special offer, of 2 boxes of beer for £10.00. So he says to his wife can I get 2 boxes.?

Wife: No we cannot afford it.

Husband: But you have just spent £50.00. On makeup.

Wife: That is to make me look attractive

Husband: That's what the f...

Buy the best running shoes you can afford.

You'll thank yourself in the long run.

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $100 on make-up. So I asked, “how come I had to give up stuff and not her.”

She said, “she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.”

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

A joke I heard a while ago

So there’s this Cheerio. In cheerio-land, there are three kinds of people: original, blueberry, and honey nut. He desperately wants to be honey nut. So he goes to the tattoo shop, and the cheerio running it says he can become a blueberry cheerio first, but it’s gonna cost some money.

He star...

If I had a penny for

every reposted joke in r/jokes , then I could finally afford healthcare in US

I'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill...

These are the darkest days of my life...

Woman could not afford to pay her exorcism bills.

Her soul got repossessed...

She’s from Minsk

A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 roubles, but to buy a cow fr...

An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up

A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.

Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.

"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.

Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent mu...

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn’t afford a dog.

Damn, I can't afford a girlfriend,

Property tax is just too much

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The Politician and Sex Workers

A politician visited Sex Workers Anonymous in order to get more information about how these women in his community were doing. He meets three poor prostitutes and speaks to them that their lifestyle is hurting them and that depending on how often they were engaged in the business, he would provide t...

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Where did ya come from, Wooden Eye Joe

A nervous man with a wooden eye is alone at a dance

He's too poor to afford a proper eye so he's really insecure about it and has trouble talking to women. At the dance he sees this pretty looking lady also standing alone across the room, he notices she has these kind of big ears so he thinks...

Why couldn't the surf shop afford to stay open?

It was double overhead!

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PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34

**ME:** I can’t afford that

**PIZZA GUY:** Well you’ll have to pay some other way.

**ME: [takes out wallet]** Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars.

**PORN DIRECTOR:** Cut! The fuck are you doing?

Why did Kanye support Donald Trump?

Because he couldn't afford 50 Cent.

A blonde takes a pregnancy test and it comes out positive...

After telling her boyfriend she cries 'How are we going to afford so many babies?'

He says 'It couldn't tell you that, how many did it say we're having?'

'98.6!'

Why can’t clowns afford balloons anymore?

Because balloon prices are rising due to inflation.

Someone should make a phone app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurant you can afford

Could call it Welp

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A man is walking by a bar one evening

When he sees a sign in the window with the words “FREE Beer for a year! Inquire within!”
The man, having nothing better to do, decides go in:

“Hey, you’ve got a sign out there talking about free beer, what’s that all about?”

(The bartender)”Oh yeah, I put that up a couple of days ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex

To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.

I can’t afford this

A man was buying a duck one day and went to have someone ring it up and the cashier said “the bill is 25 dollars “ the man looks at her and says “how much is the whole thing “

Can't afford condoms?

Use latex gloves instead. They're cheaper, and you can use them five times.

A C-Level, a middle manager and a worker talk at the Christmas party of their company.

They discuss what to do with the Christmas bonus.

"Well", said the C-Level, "I'm probably gonna do a trip around the world, expand my villa in Malibu and with the rest, well, maybe a new Ferrari"

Said the middle manager "Well, I'm gonna make a vacation in Malibu and get a pool for my h...

I once had a job at a burlesque club helping the girls in and out of their costumes for $100 a week.

I know it's not much but it's all I could afford.

Doctor says I need an amputation, but I can't afford it..

It'll cost me an arm and a leg.

Imagine a billionaire, which can't afford basic things

Because, he's from Zimbabwe

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I couldn’t afford a knife for my son’s circumsion

It was a rip off

Have you heard the one about the family who couldn't afford to pay the exorcist?

Their house was repossessed.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

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The baboon.

The zoo owner is becoming concerned because his star attraction, the baboon, is becoming more and more aggressive. He calls an old buddy of his from college, who happens a to have been a zoology major. The zoo owner explains what has been going on, and asks his friend if there is anything that can b...

This guy marched up to me and asked, "Excuse me, but have you considered becoming an organ donor?"

I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Father, I think this church should be able to afford its own!"

I couldn't afford a set of false teeth, but I found a guy who would make me a set in exchange for me doing some work around his house.

I guess you could say it was indentured servitude.

A father notices his son has a lot of new toys lately

he asks the boy how come he can afford them.

son: "Because of my hiking."

dad: "Hiking?, how do you get money by hiking?"

son: "There's this man that comes to visit mum a couple of times a week, while you're at work, he always gives me $10 and tells me to take a hike."

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