Thinking of starting a bakery supply business

The whisks are great but so are the wewards.

A man walks into a store and buys a life time supply of condoms.

Only he doesn't know it.

A guy phoned and asked if I was interested in switching to an alternative energy supply...

I said “ No, I think I’ll stick with food thanks!”

A man wanted a chicken of his own to lay fresh eggs for him. He went to a farm supply store that had chickens and tried to buy one, but he was denied because he wasn't a registered farmer. The clerk said, "Sorry sir. . ."

"No farm, no fowl."

My next door neighbour and I became very good friends, do we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

Officials have found a brain-eating Amoba in the water supply of Washington DC. Officials are worried

After all, there's a good chance the Amobas will starve to death

What do you get when you give LSD into the public tap water supply?

A hallucy nation.

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After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a...

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

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My cousin got caught with his pants around his ankles in the supply closet at work

He said he really felt like a jerk.

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whiskey; it's give...

NASA had a supply of rib eye on the last flight to the international space station to see how meat cooked in space. They called it their most important mission.

Because the steaks were never higher.

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?

The Three-Hole Punch...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

I bought a two weeks supply of Alcohol for the quarantine.

For the second time this week.

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"Your one and only job is to supply the miners"

The foreman told the asian man before leaving the job site.

Upon the foreman's return a week later he noticed one of the job site workers lackadaisically lounging in the sun.

"Hey Bob! How are ya? Why arent you workin boy?" said the foreman.

"Im too hungry to work. That chinama...

Swedish recruit goes in to the Supply Sergeant for his first weapons issue:

*" Hallo, my name is Hans ... where are my arms? "*

For safety, if you're turning a power supply on at work, just say hey

Watts going on

I got a pop up ad for a locally owned Sean Connery roofing supply company

It said, “shingles in your area”.

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A school teacher, a police officer, and a hedge fund founder are trapped on a deserted island.

After scavenging for days with little success, they come across a magical lamp. The officer decides to give it a quick rub and out pops a genie.

"Hello, I am here to grant each of you an imperishable supply of food and water as you await your rescue. Be warned, it can only be consumed only ...

I won a year supply of dates once

Turned out it was just a calendar.

What's President Trump's new favorite band?

Air Supply

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Three guys have to go to prison.

But they can bring unlimited supply of any one thing with them.

The first guy chooses books. Second chooses his girlfriend. The third chooses unlimited cigarettes.

After 12 years.

The first guy with the help of books finishes high school, college and law school and is on course ...

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TP is currently in short supply, and I just squandered 3 squares

on a ghost shit.
Thanks for nothing, asshole.

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Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there”

The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”

A man won $100 million dollars in the lottery. Realizing he could buy whatever he wanted, he switched to gold toilet paper and secured a generous supply of daily burrittos

In a single year, his entire winnings were wiped out.

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A Business man decided to hire a Japanese, a German and a Chinese man to make his business run more smoothly.

He told the Japanese man that he is putting him in charge of productivity. The German was put in charge of efficiency. The Chinese man was put in charge of supplies.

A month later, he walks the factory floor and sees the workers working in unison like a well oiled machine which improved prod...

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What did the sherrif say when he discovered that someone had defecated in the town's water supply?

Well shit

Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia.

You could say I was involved in very organised crime.

I never thought I'd be shoplifting from a kitchen supply store

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

You should never cut off an addicts supply line, they will lash out in anger and do everything in their power to stop you.

This is why I avoid talking about abortions with my Priest.

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The little known legend about Attila the Hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

Apparently, when you supply Human Resources with a urine sample...

... it has to be because they requested it

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An American, a Russian, and a Chinese

An American, a Russian, and a Chinese each got stranded on an uninhabited island.

Just as they started to lose hope, God visits all three of them. And gave each of them a food supply good for 1 month, a dog and a task. Their task was to make the dog learn how to speak human language when he c...

What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply?

Pb & J.

I robbed a swimming pool supply store last night.

I need to lilo for a while.

Google announces new usage of an old tool: sending vital organs for surgery via landlines. The organ at the other end will be a working copy of the original, giving an unprecedented supply of life-saving organs to families in need.

They're calling it "The Fax of Life."

A man was working at a boat supply shop

He was a salesman

Scientists were studying rams

They had three rams in their lab. Each ram had a leather collar, and attached to each collar was a tag identifying them as A, B and C.

One of the researchers brought a large gourd from the supply closet and placed it on the head of Ram A. Nothing happened. After five minutes he removed the g...

At the Helsinki Summit, Russia offered to supply both Translators

Which is nice considering they supplied both President

When our little girl was sick in hospital we bought her a lifetime supply of crayons.

It cost $3.

I won a lifetime supply of rope yesterday

It’s 10 feet long!

I won a lifetime supply of cyanide pills

I only got one though

Two men walk into a chemistry supply store

The first man says: 'I'll have some H2O'.

The second man says: 'I'll have some H2O too'

The second man died

Once upon a time, a man appear...

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers...

A maestro is convicted of murdering his wife, and sentenced to die in the electric chair.

On the night of the execution, he is strapped into the chair and they pull the switch. Nothing happens.

Thinking it must be a power supply problem, they turn off all the lights in the prison and try again. Still nothing.

They turn out all the lights in the town and try again. Nothing.<...

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom, the man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks h...

My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't

The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

I got a lifetime supply of bread!

You'd think I'd say I'm rolling in dough, right? Well I am actuality a very lucky Soviet in 1936.

Why did the supply chain manager wake up in the middle of the night with a cold sweat?

He was having a logistical nightmare.

What do you say to a man who's fallen ill from dehydration after their water supply was cut off?

Hope you get well soon.

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A-a-another st-st-stutt...

A guy with a terrible stutter goes to the doctor. The doctor examines him, and says, "I\`m afraid the problem is your large penis. It requires such an enormous blood supply, not enough blood is reaching the speech center in your brain."

"W-w-well, what c-c-can I d-d-do?" asks the guy.

...

Why don't Africa supply medicine?

Because you're not supposed to eat medicine on an empty stomach

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A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

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An elderly couple are about to have sex in a nursing home supply closet.

The woman decided to warn the man about her heart condition. “ You need to know this, I have acute angina.”

“That’s good news.” The man replied, “because you have the ugliest pair of tits I have ever seen.”

A farmer walks into a farm supply store...

...and says to an employee, "You know, when I bought my farm it had a coop for chickens but I've never had any. I think I'd like to start raising some so what do I need?"

The employee walks him over to the area with the chicken supplies and gets him started with bedding for the coop, heat la...

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!”

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bod...

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A guy walks into the doctor’s office

A guy walks into a doctors office and tells the doctor:

“Doccctorrr, I cccaannn hharddlllyyy finiiiishh a senttttenccee.”

The doctor says:

“Alright let’s do a head to toe inspection”

The doctor quickly notices this guy has an enormous penis. Like the biggest the doctor ha...

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A man decided to go hunting...

He drove up to the wilds and stopped at a hunting supply shop. The owner sold the man a precision hunting rifle and then the man went out to hunt. He’d read lots of information about hunting, picked his spot downwind of the watering hole and he waited... and waited.

He was surprised by a ta...

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Unemployment

A young fella with his pants hanging half off his arse, no front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local unemployment office to pick up his benefit money.

He strolled up to the counter and said:
"Hi there, you know what... I really HATE claiming benef...

To the person that stole my month’s supply of Adderall..

You now have my complete attention.

An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman...

An English, Scottish & Irish soldier are caught fighting as mercenaries in a foreign land.


As prisoners of war, the General sentences each to 12 months of solitary confinement, but to show he is fair, he will give them each a years supply of a luxury item of their choosing.

...

I remember once I was forced to choose between Dwayne Johnson and a lifetime supply of frozen fish.

I was stuck between a Rock and a hard plaice.

A man walked into an office supply shop a year ago, laid down and said he is a pencil and will never leave.

Some say he is still stationary today.

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The Arficial Intelligence Doctor.

A guy hurts his arm. It's painful so he goes to his doctor.

The receptionist says "it's all AI now, just supply a sample of your urine and put it in the machine"

The guy things "weird but o.k'., does a sample, puts it in the machine.

A minute later a message appears. 'You have a...

Got my water bill today - £400. Then I saw an advert for Oxfam stating they can supply a whole village with water for £5 a month.

Think I'll be changing my supplier.

Last night I bought my friend a lifetime supply of Peach Ice Cream

He has cancer, in Hospice, and the Doctors have given him two weeks tops.

Edit: Bit of a story to this. My friend is having trouble eating so I asked if I could get him anything. He mentioned that he really wants some Peach Ice Cream, but he knows it's out of season. So I went to one of those...

Does anyone have Oxfams number? I just got my water bill for £278 and then heard on TV that Oxfam can supply a family for just £2 a month.

I am swapping providers..

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Couples coffee (OC WIP)

A priest, a marriage counselor, and a notorious playboy are all at of a romantic breakfast for couples event when the announcer gets on stage and pulls back a curtain to reveal a coffee-making robot with hundreds of robotic arms. He announces that this robot automatically makes coffee for both the p...

Contest Emcee: Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles!

Me: Can I just take the $20 instead?

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