I won a lifetime supply of cyanide pills

I only got one though

I got a lifetime supply of bread!

You'd think I'd say I'm rolling in dough, right? Well I am actuality a very lucky Soviet in 1936.

Why don't Africa supply medicine?

Because you're not supposed to eat medicine on an empty stomach

Two men walk into a chemistry supply store

The first man says: 'I'll have some H2O'.

The second man says: 'I'll have some H2O too'

The second man died

A farmer walks into a farm supply store...

...and says to an employee, "You know, when I bought my farm it had a coop for chickens but I've never had any. I think I'd like to start raising some so what do I need?"

The employee walks him over to the area with the chicken supplies and gets him started with bedding for the coop, heat la...

I won a lifetime supply of rope yesterday

It’s 10 feet long!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone pooped in the water supply?

Well shit.

What do you say to a man who's fallen ill from dehydration after their water supply was cut off?

Hope you get well soon.

I never thought I'd be shoplifting from a kitchen supply store

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

When our little girl was sick in hospital we bought her a lifetime supply of crayons.

It cost $3.

At the Helsinki Summit, Russia offered to supply both Translators

Which is nice considering they supplied both President

To the person that stole my month’s supply of Adderall..

You now have my complete attention.

A man was working at a boat supply shop

He was a salesman

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly couple are about to have sex in a nursing home supply closet.

The woman decided to warn the man about her heart condition. “ You need to know this, I have acute angina.”

“That’s good news.” The man replied, “because you have the ugliest pair of tits I have ever seen.”

Does anyone have Oxfams number? I just got my water bill for £278 and then heard on TV that Oxfam can supply a family for just £2 a month.

I am swapping providers..

I remember once I was forced to choose between Dwayne Johnson and a lifetime supply of frozen fish.

I was stuck between a Rock and a hard plaice.

Whenever I think of the phrase "high off their own supply

I think of a fat chef.

Why did the supply chain manager wake up in the middle of the night with a cold sweat?

He was having a logistical nightmare.

A man walked into an office supply shop a year ago, laid down and said he is a pencil and will never leave.

Some say he is still stationary today.

Last night I bought my friend a lifetime supply of Peach Ice Cream

He has cancer, in Hospice, and the Doctors have given him two weeks tops.

Edit: Bit of a story to this. My friend is having trouble eating so I asked if I could get him anything. He mentioned that he really wants some Peach Ice Cream, but he knows it's out of season. So I went to one of those...

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

Got my water bill today - £400. Then I saw an advert for Oxfam stating they can supply a whole village with water for £5 a month.

Think I'll be changing my supplier.

What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply?

Pb & J.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

Teach a parrot the words supply and demand,

and you’ve got yourself an economist.

My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't

The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

Contest Emcee: Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles!

Me: Can I just take the $20 instead?

My boss just told me I'm now in charge of controlling the town water supply.

Well I'll be dammed

Have you heard they have slashed production of many office supply items.

Especially metre rulers, they won't be making them any longer.

how much is a life-time supply of fast food?

Not much.

Marketing 101

A professor explained about marketing to MBA students.
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party, you go to her and say I am rich, marry me. That's direct marketing.
2. You attend a party and your friend goes to the girl to tell her, he's rich, marry him. That's advertising.
3. The same g...

What do you call a cocaine addict who runs out of supply?

Crackalackin

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

So a farmer goes in to tractor supply...

And he asks the clerk if they have a milking machine. The clerk says, "why sure! How many cows do you have?" The farmer tells him just 1 cow. The clerk finds this odd and asks him why he needs a very expensive milking machine for just one cow.

The farmer says, " Well the other night I tried m...

Beef farmers in Washington are fighting to protect their cattle, whose water supply has been tainted with THC from the marijiana industry

The steaks have never been higher

What did Noah name the carpentry supply store he set up in Little Rock?

Ark-n-Saw.

A cheap camping supply store is having a huge sale...

And they are selling raffle tickets for various camping supply prizes. An old Chinese man comes and buys a raffle ticket, among many other customers. Finally, the announcer asks for the crowd to quiet down so that he can draw out the raffle ticket for first prize. He reads out the number, and the ol...

Skeleton jokes

I used to have a skeleton of jokes, now my supply is bone dry. Guess I wasn’t that femurous.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stoner Joke. Three Men Died and Went to Hell Where They Met the Devil. (Warning! Long one)

Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

AI Doctor.

Guy hurts his arm. It's painful so he goes to his doctor.

The receptionist says "it's all AI now, just supply a sample of your urine and put it in the machine"

The guy things "weird but o.k'., does a sample, puts it in the machine.

A minute later a message appears. 'You have a ...

Why are Catholics so anti abortion?

So they have a good supply of young children in their foster homes for the priests.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

Attila's Legend.

There is a little known legend about Attila the hun.
It goes like this...Attila was known to be very fond of dangerous wild animals. He used to collect all these exotic animals that he came across in his conquests. His favorite was a big ferocious snake. He was so fond of it that he used to bring...

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A truck driver working a long nightshift gets halted by a green man in the middle of a deserted road. The driver slams on his brakes an gets out of the truck

"What the fuck are you doing?!" He screams,
The green man replies:
"I'm from Mars motherfucker, I'm gay as fuck and I'm hungry, now give me some food or your ass will be sorry!"
Quite startled, the truck driver hands over his midnight snack and POOF the green man disappears into a ball of...

I used to supply filofaxes to the mafia

I was involved in very organised crime

Victorinox, the makers of Swiss Army knives, recently branched out into the medical supply business after developing a universal tool fit for every hospital ICU.

Their marketing slogan: "For all intensive purposes."