A Navy recruit has his first day in the submarine.

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

Years ago I used to supply filofaxes for the mafia.

Yes, I was involved in very organised crime.

Apparently, when you supply Human Resources with a urine sample...

... it has to be because they requested it

I robbed a swimming pool supply store last night.

I need to lilo for a while.

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A man wins a lifetime supply of carrots,

After learning about this fortunate occurence, he celebrated and patiently awaited the arrival of the tasty product.

A few days later, he heard knocking at his door and investigated. A delivery man offered him 12 bags of carrots, congratulated him on his winnings, and left.

This contin...

I got a lifetime supply of bread!

You'd think I'd say I'm rolling in dough, right? Well I am actuality a very lucky Soviet in 1936.

Google announces new usage of an old tool: sending vital organs for surgery via landlines. The organ at the other end will be a working copy of the original, giving an unprecedented supply of life-saving organs to families in need.

They're calling it "The Fax of Life."

I won a lifetime supply of cyanide pills

I only got one though

Two men walk into a chemistry supply store

The first man says: 'I'll have some H2O'.

The second man says: 'I'll have some H2O too'

The second man died

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Someone pooped in the water supply?

Well shit.

I won a lifetime supply of rope yesterday

It’s 10 feet long!

A man was working at a boat supply shop

He was a salesman

Why don't Africa supply medicine?

Because you're not supposed to eat medicine on an empty stomach

A farmer walks into a farm supply store...

...and says to an employee, "You know, when I bought my farm it had a coop for chickens but I've never had any. I think I'd like to start raising some so what do I need?"

The employee walks him over to the area with the chicken supplies and gets him started with bedding for the coop, heat la...

I never thought I'd be shoplifting from a kitchen supply store

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

When our little girl was sick in hospital we bought her a lifetime supply of crayons.

It cost $3.

What do you say to a man who's fallen ill from dehydration after their water supply was cut off?

Hope you get well soon.

At the Helsinki Summit, Russia offered to supply both Translators

Which is nice considering they supplied both President

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An elderly couple are about to have sex in a nursing home supply closet.

The woman decided to warn the man about her heart condition. “ You need to know this, I have acute angina.”

“That’s good news.” The man replied, “because you have the ugliest pair of tits I have ever seen.”

To the person that stole my month’s supply of Adderall..

You now have my complete attention.

Why did the supply chain manager wake up in the middle of the night with a cold sweat?

He was having a logistical nightmare.

Does anyone have Oxfams number? I just got my water bill for £278 and then heard on TV that Oxfam can supply a family for just £2 a month.

I am swapping providers..

I remember once I was forced to choose between Dwayne Johnson and a lifetime supply of frozen fish.

I was stuck between a Rock and a hard plaice.

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

Whenever I think of the phrase "high off their own supply

I think of a fat chef.

A man walked into an office supply shop a year ago, laid down and said he is a pencil and will never leave.

Some say he is still stationary today.

Last night I bought my friend a lifetime supply of Peach Ice Cream

He has cancer, in Hospice, and the Doctors have given him two weeks tops.

Edit: Bit of a story to this. My friend is having trouble eating so I asked if I could get him anything. He mentioned that he really wants some Peach Ice Cream, but he knows it's out of season. So I went to one of those...

What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply?

Pb & J.

My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't

The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

Teach a parrot the words supply and demand,

and you’ve got yourself an economist.

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

Got my water bill today - £400. Then I saw an advert for Oxfam stating they can supply a whole village with water for £5 a month.

Think I'll be changing my supplier.

Contest Emcee: Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles!

Me: Can I just take the $20 instead?

My boss just told me I'm now in charge of controlling the town water supply.

Well I'll be dammed

What do you call a cocaine addict who runs out of supply?

Crackalackin

Have you heard they have slashed production of many office supply items.

Especially metre rulers, they won't be making them any longer.

Marketing 101

A professor explained about marketing to MBA students.
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party, you go to her and say I am rich, marry me. That's direct marketing.
2. You attend a party and your friend goes to the girl to tell her, he's rich, marry him. That's advertising.
3. The same g...

how much is a life-time supply of fast food?

Not much.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

So a farmer goes in to tractor supply...

And he asks the clerk if they have a milking machine. The clerk says, "why sure! How many cows do you have?" The farmer tells him just 1 cow. The clerk finds this odd and asks him why he needs a very expensive milking machine for just one cow.

The farmer says, " Well the other night I tried m...

A cheap camping supply store is having a huge sale...

And they are selling raffle tickets for various camping supply prizes. An old Chinese man comes and buys a raffle ticket, among many other customers. Finally, the announcer asks for the crowd to quiet down so that he can draw out the raffle ticket for first prize. He reads out the number, and the ol...

What did Noah name the carpentry supply store he set up in Little Rock?

Ark-n-Saw.

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Budweiser method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

3 men are arrested...

Three men; a Russian, a swede, and a German have been arrested, and they've all been given a 6 month sentence.



Their warden however, is friendly and grants them all a 6 month supply of anything they want.



Upon hearing this, the Russian man jumps up in joy,


...

In the City of Loafington, there lived a superhero named Wonderbread.

Wonderbread was, predictably, a superhero with bread-themed powers. He could beat up a gang with a baguette, trap someone in a giant pita, or cushion someone's fall with swiftly-rising dough. He was beloved by all in the city, for his escapades had the lovely side-effect of feeding the entire city f...

One day, a man decides to make a town.

He walked far and wide, across treacherous land and dangerous grounds, until he found a flat dessert, with rocks pock marking the ground. He decides to settle his town here, and built his first house with some trouble, due to the rocks. He chose to cover the ground with a layer of concrete so it wou...

Suicide is never a solution..

Unless it's of your convicted friend who used to supply underage girls to you...

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