Purchased Jokes - 55 Hilarious Purchased Jokes

I've just purchased a house in Liverpool.

It's a 2 up, 5 down.

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him....

He took his new Benz out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's n...

A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I retuned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

I purchased a deodorant stick today

Instructions say, “Remove cap and push up bottom”
I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I fart.

Purchased Vs. Homemade

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you ...

I purchased a humble potato gun the other day.

Turned out it was a weapon of mashed destruction.

I purchased some noise canceling headphones...

I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have purchased a new realistic sex doll.

She is so realistic that she only wants to be friends with me.

So, I purchased tickets and attended a competition for hitting bongs…

It was a Rip Off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

Amongst the dumbest things I've ever purchased...

was a 2020 year planner.

A zoo purchased a female gorilla as their new start attraction.

However, she soon became very aggressive and very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined that the problem was she was in heat. With no male gorilla at the zoo, how could she be calmed down?

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Davi...

Just purchased a hazmat suite.

Now I’m ready for that next toxic relationship.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man called Peter wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present.

As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchase...

I purchased $1000 in Bose stock today...

My accountant said it would be a sound investment.

I just purchased some sandals for my frog.

They're open toad....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently purchased a grandfather clock.

It's like a regular clock except sometimes it forgets the time and pisses itself.

A farmer purchased a new oxen to help plow his field.

The animal hadn’t been well-tamed and the farmer struggled to keep the beast under control. One day, the oxen freaked out and started tearing through the field, dredging up all of the seeds and plants that they had already sewn into the soil. The farmer’s corn and soybean plants were all destroyed. ...

Disappointed that the purchased LSD has no effect,

Ivan sat on his dragon and flew away.

...just purchased a Hungarian clock!

...it went back fo~~u~~r seconds!

If you had purchased

$1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recent purchased a sex doll.

It really took a load off my wifes back.

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

What happened to Johnny Cash when he purchased a house?

Johnny Debt

General Electric's aircraft engine division was just purchased by the Italian airline, Alitalia

The new company will be known as "Genitalia".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I purchased a Great Dane, and now the smell around our house is absolutely revolting.

Every time he barks I shit myself.

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde was startled. Sh...

I recently purchased a circumcision on the black market.

It was a rip-off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my wife struts around in this newly purchased denim skirt

She asks me “does this skirt make my ass look big?”

“No, I think it’s all that shit you eat that makes your ass look big”

True story BYW - yes I am now divorced..

Apple recently purchased an island for their new HQ

They're calling it iLand.

I just purchased a cook book, not available on Amazon

It teaches how to cook books.

I tried taking my newly purchased Beatle back to the Volkswagen dealership the other day...

He punched me in the arm and said; "no returns!"

I just purchased Big Foot repellant.

Er, sorry, a camera.

Why can't Popeye the Sailor's enemies ever predict whether or not he's purchased spinach that day?

Because no one expects the spinach acquisition!!!

I got scammed! Purchased Tiger Woods book “18 of my favorite holes”...

and it was about golf.

Why didn't the store let the man return the hand soap he'd purchased?

It was anti-back-to-retail soap.

I purchased this closed box full of bees, it has a warning sign which says

Be Safe

I recently went to a beekeeper and purchased 7 bees. When I got home, I realized he gave me 8.

Looks like I got a freebie!

I'm worried about my flatmate. In the last week he has recently just purchased himself a new Ford, Tesla, BMW, Toyota

I think he might have a car owner virus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

A man walks into a pet shop and says “I purchased a parrot from this store a week ago and he has not yet spoken.”

The store owner says, “Well, some parrots are slower learners than others. Here’s a book of simple phrases you can teach your parrot.”

The man accepted the book, paid for it, and left.

The next day, the man walked into the store and said, “That bird still won’t talk.”

The store ...

I recently purchased a teddy bear for £10

And named it Mohammed, then sold it for £20.
My question is.....have I made a Prophet?

A man was idling in the street, bored, when he saw a man selling apples close by

He approached the man, and asked, "How much do these apples cost?". The vendor replied, "An apple costs $1 and an apple seed costs $2.". Confused, the man asked, "Why are you selling the seeds? and why are they so expensive?". The vendor said, "Apple seeds are actually known to make you so much time...

My friend had purchased an extra stand-up comedy ticket for me. I turned him down.

After all, I could never enjoy jokes at other people's expense.

My friend purchased a front row ticket to the upcoming Mayweather fight.

I heard this was a popular community on Reddit and I didn't know where else to post this so here goes. My friend's wedding is coming up soon. He'd bought a ticket to the upcoming Mayweather fight knowing that it was a week before the wedding but the hall at which the wedding was booked made him chan...

Permits required A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the t...

Last month I unknowingly purchased stolen roofing supplies. I wrote a Craigslist post to alert others...

HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA

True Story that is also a joke. (It really is true.)

I was doing tourist stuff in New Orleans one summer and had gone down to the waterfront. I was sitting on a bench looking out at the water when a guy came up to me and offered me a bet. He said, "I bet you $5 I can tell you where you got your shoes."

I was from several states away so I figure...

I went to the shop to buy a foot pump for our new air bed. I was shocked by how much the price had risen since the last pump I purchased.

But yer, I suppose that’s the cost of inflation.

I purchased a bottle of whiskey and then got worried that should I fall off my bicycle, the bottle would break.

Instead, I decided to drink it now. Definitely a good decision, I fell off seventeen times on my way back home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gift for sweetheart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

An Attorney had just purchased and parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office...

An Attorney had just purchased and parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the lawyer's driver-side door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the ...

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