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My girlfriend and I purchased a Great Dane, and now the smell around our house is absolutely revolting.

Every time he barks I shit myself.

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, "throw this and wherever it lands - that's where I'm taking you when this pandemic ends."

Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.

A farmer purchased a new oxen to help plow his field.

The animal hadn’t been well-tamed and the farmer struggled to keep the beast under control. One day, the oxen freaked out and started tearing through the field, dredging up all of the seeds and plants that they had already sewn into the soil. The farmer’s corn and soybean plants were all destroyed. ...

A woman purchased a new incense burner. However, she got very confused since it wasn't working.

It made no damn scents.

Permits required A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the t...

A zoo purchased a female gorilla as their new start attraction.

However, she soon became very aggressive and very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined that the problem was she was in heat. With no male gorilla at the zoo, how could she be calmed down?

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Davi...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

I purchased some noise canceling headphones...

I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints.

A man walks into a pet shop and says “I purchased a parrot from this store a week ago and he has not yet spoken.”

The store owner says, “Well, some parrots are slower learners than others. Here’s a book of simple phrases you can teach your parrot.”

The man accepted the book, paid for it, and left.

The next day, the man walked into the store and said, “That bird still won’t talk.”

The store ...

General Electric's aircraft engine division was just purchased by the Italian airline, Alitalia

The new company will be known as "Genitalia".

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I have purchased a new realistic sex doll.

She is so realistic that she only wants to be friends with me.

Amongst the dumbest things I've ever purchased...

was a 2020 year planner.

I went to the shop to buy a foot pump for our new air bed. I was shocked by how much the price had risen since the last pump I purchased.

But yer, I suppose that’s the cost of inflation.

What happened to Johnny Cash when he purchased a house?

Johnny Debt

I recently went to a beekeeper and purchased 7 bees. When I got home, I realized he gave me 8.

Looks like I got a freebie!

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

Disappointed that the purchased LSD has no effect,

Ivan sat on his dragon and flew away.

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him....

He took his new Benz out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's n...

I'm worried about my flatmate. In the last week he has recently just purchased himself a new Ford, Tesla, BMW, Toyota

I think he might have a car owner virus.

Daryl was sitting in his house when came a loud knock on his door. He went to the door and a salesman was standing there with an unfamiliar object in his hand. “What’s that?” asked Daryl. “It’s a Thermos.”

Intrigued, Daryl asked, “What does it do?”

Shifting into the sales pitch he said, “This little jewel is amazing. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

After some discussion Daryl purchased one thinking it would really help with his lunch situation at work. The next day he arr...

Why can't Popeye the Sailor's enemies ever predict whether or not he's purchased spinach that day?

Because no one expects the spinach acquisition!!!

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

I purchased $1000 in Bose stock today...

My accountant said it would be a sound investment.

I tried taking my newly purchased Beatle back to the Volkswagen dealership the other day...

He punched me in the arm and said; "no returns!"

Purchased Vs. Homemade

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you ...

I purchased a deodorant stick today

Instructions say, “Remove cap and push up bottom”
I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I fart.

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I recently purchased a grandfather clock.

It's like a regular clock except sometimes it forgets the time and pisses itself.

I just purchased some sandals for my frog.

They're open toad....

Just purchased a hazmat suite.

Now I’m ready for that next toxic relationship.

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So my wife struts around in this newly purchased denim skirt

She asks me “does this skirt make my ass look big?”

“No, I think it’s all that shit you eat that makes your ass look big”


True story BYW - yes I am now divorced..

I just purchased a new iPhone 7 Plus, and my son dropped it, So i’m giving it away.

He’s 8 years old, tall and quite thin. Good with pets.

Joel Osteen recently purchased a new Gulfstream Jet

He calls it the G6 Christ.

I purchased this closed box full of bees, it has a warning sign which says

Be Safe

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

I just purchased a cook book, not available on Amazon

It teaches how to cook books.

The Nigerian football team apologize for their poor performance in yesterday's match.

They will be issuing refunds for anyone who purchased tickets. Just send in your bank details and pin number...

I recently purchased a circumcision on the black market.

It was a rip-off.

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I recent purchased a sex doll.

It really took a load off my wifes back.

I recently bought a copy of Monty Python's Big Red Book, but was later dismayed to find that I'd purchased the Spanish language version...

Nobody expects the Spanish text edition.

Apple recently purchased an island for their new HQ

They're calling it iLand.

I got scammed! Purchased Tiger Woods book “18 of my favorite holes”...

and it was about golf.

So I purchased a DVD called “Fyre Festival: Behind the Scenes”

It cost $100 and there was no disc in the case

Why didn't the store let the man return the hand soap he'd purchased?

It was anti-back-to-retail soap.

If you had purchased

$1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you...

My friend had purchased an extra stand-up comedy ticket for me. I turned him down.

After all, I could never enjoy jokes at other people's expense.

I purchased a bottle of whiskey and then got worried that should I fall off my bicycle, the bottle would break.

Instead, I decided to drink it now. Definitely a good decision, I fell off seventeen times on my way back home.

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A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he se...

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

My friend purchased a front row ticket to the upcoming Mayweather fight.

I heard this was a popular community on Reddit and I didn't know where else to post this so here goes. My friend's wedding is coming up soon. He'd bought a ticket to the upcoming Mayweather fight knowing that it was a week before the wedding but the hall at which the wedding was booked made him chan...

Another Lawyer Joke

A very successful attorney parked his brand-new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and ...

Last month I unknowingly purchased stolen roofing supplies. I wrote a Craigslist post to alert others...

HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA

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A man is sitting at a bar...

He has been there for three hours just nursing a beer with a shit eating grin on his face. The bartender (after noticing this man has purchased nothing more) walks up to him and says "Dude. You've been here forever with that warm beer, and that dumb smile. What the hell are you so happy about?" ...

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